Sometimes I wish I didn’t live in a two bedroom condo in the city. If I had a basement rumpus room (or “Man-cave” as is the mot du présent) every empty space of it would be filled with used crap that I just bought at this ESPN Zone auction that is currently going on right here in Washington DC. You can bid on things online and the auctions start closing on November 16th but you probably have to show up here to Washington DC pick up your crap if you win it.

You absolutely must check out some of the stuff you could own from this joint. Its like you actually could finally own all the stuff that was in that kids’ house on Silver Spoons. Lets take a look at some of the more awesome stuff that could be in your basement or garage if ONLY you had the space for it.

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I rarely write about baseball, mostly because it’s just not that appealing to me. If the ratings are to be believed then I far from alone. I can pretty much predict all the teams that will be in it every season. Oh, sure, some “smaller market” clubs can break through here and there, like the Detroit Tigers, or the Tampa Bay Rays (or the Milwaukee Brewers), but we all know that the Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies, and Braves are almost assured to be in it and that they get the dominant coverage.

It doesn’t even matter that there have been five different clubs that have won the World Series the last five years; including a “small market” St. Louis Cardinals team. It was pretty lame for me to watch Indians Pitcher Cliff Lee face off against former Indians pitcher CC Sabathia in Game 1 of the 2009 World Series but that’s not the worst for me, either. It sucks that every August, just as the division races heat up, wealthier teams swarm like vultures and just scoop up players from other teams that either a) can’t afford to resign them or b) aren’t playing for anything. That’s bad, but not the worst, either. That’s not what I hate the most about baseball. No, the worst in when one of those clubs DOESN’T make it; because then we have to hear about all the time.

Case-in-point; the Red Sox absolutely collapsed down the stretch to piss away the AL East division crown and slip out of the playoffs. No big deal, right? The Cleveland Indians were in first place at the all-star break, and shit the bed as well, it happens. But, this is the Red Sox, why how will WE EVER BE ABLE TO WATCH THE POSTSEASON WITHOUT THEM!? ESPN has been running constant coverage of the Red Sox; interviews with David Ortiz; “analysis” from fake bleeder Curt Schilling; and grainy footage of Terry Francona in dad jeans leaving the Red Sox podium. I have heard more about the “lack of chemistry” and “too much partying” in the Red Sox clubhouse then I have heard about the entire rest of the postseason. Baseball players party ALL THE TIME. It’s not like baseball is a grueling sport to play. But because the Red Sox cleaned out their lockers last week we MUST HAVE ANSWERS!

That’s wrong; that’s part of why baseball is awful.

Do you think the NFL yammers away when the Cowboys miss the postseason AGAIN? No, they move on; because they rightfully recognize that the to sustain interest in the sport you have to look for more compelling stories then just the same stuff with the same teams. In 2007, Alex Rodriguez opted out of his $252 million contract with the New York Yankees just before Game 4 of the World Series. It pissed off a lot of people because it took away interest from the game. Not ESPN; they ran 24/7 coverage and moved the two teams playing in the World Series to the back of the bus. More Yankees stories, YES PLEASE? (claps like a seal)

It illustrates the other thing I hate about baseball. ESPN is a huge part of the problem. They spent years building up the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry to some obnoxious crescendo. It helped that they had willing participants; why, who could forget Pedro Martinez, who grew up in the Dominican, and started his career with the Expos, throwing down former Red Sox bench coach Don Zimmer, who looked curiously like Don Rickles. Or the footage of A-Fraud Alex Rodriguez and Jason Veritek sissy-fighting was played thousands of times. In the process of building up this phony rivalry, they managed to make the game stale. How much breath and footage can be wasted on this? ESPN plans to find out.

Look, I don’t give a shit that Theo Epstein is going to go try to fix the Chicago Cubs, another team that doesn’t do shit every season but we have to hear about it because Michael Wilbon likes to remind people that he once lived in the midwest more than 30 years ago. GMs move teams all the time. I don’t even care that Terry Francona is being made the scapegoat for the collapse of his team; doesn’t that happen with EVERY coach that gets the door? I just know that everytime one of the “evil empire” teams misses the postseason ESPN runs about a thousand stories; and an angel gets it’s wings. I also know that many more people would rather watch pre-game coverage of an early season NFL game when airing opposed to October baseball.

Seriously, what the hell is Shane Ryan doing writing on Grantland? Didn’t he get the memo that this thing was really just supposed to be Bill Simmons masturbation project? Bill Simmons gets to lazily write about the NBA and make arbitrary lists of his favorite celebrities, and movies, and we get to grind our teeth into dust.

Ryan should set the bar a little lower next time.

In May, Fliehr and a group of other wrestlers, including Scott Hall (“Razor Ramon”) and Virgil Runnels III (“Dustin Rhodes a.k.a. Goldust”) were on a chartered flight back to the United States after a series of shows in Europe. They began drinking, and the situation quickly deteriorated. Two flight attendants, Taralyn Cappellano and Heidi Doyle, would compile their allegations into a 2004 lawsuit. Chief among the chronicled misdeeds was Fliehr’s sexual aggression. He wore nothing but a jeweled cape, the flight attendants said, and “flashed his nakedness, spinning his penis around.”

They don’t call him the nature boy for nothing! AMMMIYRIGHT? (High fives frat brothers, flashes penis to neighbors).

As much as it pains me to admit it, Ryan’s piece on the sad state of affairs in Flair country is easily the best thing that has appeared on the site so far. Why? Because unlike some asshole who remembered an interview that Will Smith gave in 2007, Ryan appears to have done real reporting. Sure, there have been other articles about Flair’s troubles (Editor’s note: What does it say about North Carolina, or Flair, if he was seriously considering a run for Governor?) but this thing is way more detailed and comprehensive. Will this inspire the DoD staff to strive to bring you better, stronger, and edgier content? No, no it probably will not.

That above caption seems to constitute reporting for most major sports news outlets’ NFL coverage these days. To that, I say, “C’mon people, give it a rest.” This is all akin to being that annoying commenter who always has to chime in with “FIRST” and has nothing else to say. No one likes it and you are contributing nothing to the conversation. You are just filling up empty space with more empty space.

Granted, its partially the sports fan’s fault. These guys have made their living reporting rumors and guesses that they get from their sources inside the NFL and most people eat up that sort of “news”, but this is getting ridiculous. Its not even news anymore. Its “newsish”. You have sources, they say its close to ending, we get it, let us know when it is actually over.

Guess what, I have sources too, my sources say the NFL lockout will continue until it they lift the lockout. We will all pretty much know at the same exact time when the lockout actually ends.  Being first will not matter one bit. No career will be made by announcing the lockout is over first. A press conference will be called and Adam Schefter, Chris Mortensen, Jay Glazer, Mike Florio and a thousand other mouthbreathers will tweet and write up a 4 line blog post as fast as they possibly can just so they can be first.

I’m just sick of seeing John Clayton or Schefter on TV telling me random dates of when the lockout will end and then laying out a schedule of events if what they are saying happens. Suddenly all NFL reporters are Nostradamus. This is not reporting. This is guessing. Newsish.

Look, just give it a break. We all know the owners and the players are close to a deal thanks, in some part, to your somewhat accurate reporting. I say somewhat because most these reporters have been saying the lockout was close to ending for the better part of a month now and reality has finally caught up to their guesses and rumor spreading. Congrats guys. Way to keep up those journalistic standards.

But really, cut this shit out please. Just tell us the facts and stop your guessing.

Just over one year ago choke artist Lebron James ripped our collective Cleveland hearts out of our big, fat, unemployed chests when he uttered the now imfamous “taking (his) talents to South Beach” staging a public divorce from his hometown team (well, not really, I mean he grew up in Akron, not Cleveland but Akron doesn’t have an NBA team, so suck it) and the only team he had played for professionally (he probably got paid at SVSM, but semantics).

Cleveland went on to finish with the second worst record in the NBA but did manage to lock up two of the top four draft picks in the worst NBA draft in years. Typical.

While ‘The Decision’ was savaged by the media, including ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports is now sticking a small makeshift scarecrow outside of their hole to see if Elmer Fudd has left yet. They are now attempting to recast Lebron and ESPN’s collectively selfish, and transparent tv special as a noble, and selfless act.

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