Nuts And Gum: Together At Last

There are certain things that should never go together like Vito Fossella and drunk driving or Ted Kennedy and channels. Who knew drunk driving makes love children?

Another deadly combination is athletes and music. There are always exceptions like Wayman Tisdale but the usual result is Carl Lewis or Deion Sanders. Could Jon Mikel Obi and Didier Drogba do better? Unlikely but they're going to try anyway. The Chelsea players are collaborating on some hip-hop tracks. If there's one thing footballers can't do, it's make music. If you doubt me, try this, this or this. I'll never look at John Barnes the same way again.

Joel Knows Donkey Kicks

It's still not a spinning donkey kick but it's a start.

Hard Working Americans Aren't The Only Ones Being Screwed By NAFTA

Chin up white peop...I mean hard-working American people. Damn you for infecting me so fast, Hillary. While your jobs are being shipped overseas and given to bloodthirsty, whore-loving illegal immigrants thanks to NAFTA, corporate America is having a grand old time at your expense. The Bush administration is bailing out the banks while screwing homeowners. Guess what? You aren't the only ones they're trying to screw like a penguin.

The US is forcing Mexico pay Canada some serious loonies. Ron Mexico a.k.a. Michael Vick has been ordered to pay a Canadian bank $2.4 million dollars for defaulting on a loan.

The Royal Bank of Canada sued Mexico after he pled guilty to the dogfighting charge that eventually landed him in Leavenworth. The bank claimed the plea amounted to a default as laid out by the terms of the loan.

This is a bloody outrage. Another judge said Vick could keep his $20 million in bonuses earned from 2004-2007. That's because the judge understood what freedom is all about. If you have money, you get to keep it.

Canada is just going to use that money to finance their end of the NAFTA superhighway which will ease Mexico's eventual takeover of the US. It's a c-o-n-spiracy.

I don't know why Rev. Al's wasting his time with Sean Bell. He needs to remember what the struggle's about and put on that sweatsuit with some fat chains. Get your Tawana-lovin', permed ass to Kansas. America and Mexico need saving.

When in China, do as the Chinese government do. David Hasselhoff just shed a tear.

Cookin With The Oak

Former Phoenix Suns PG Kevin Johnson is running for mayor of Sacramento. Magic Johnson has a real estate empire including a bunch of movie theatres in the hood and pretends to have the AIDS. Charles Oakley feels left out so he's decided to make his name in the world of cooking.

Page Six reports that Oakley has already filmed three episodes of his new cooking show, Cafe Oakley.

The former Knick enforcer has already taped three episodes, one featuring John Starks, where his former teammate cooked Oak's fried chicken and macaroni salad, pasta and sausages, and smothered steak and rice. Ingredients for Oak's beef short ribs in cinnamon wine sauce include 18 beers and two or three Cuban cigars, and the directions begin, "Drink 10 beers."

The Oak should continue to have special guest stars show off their culinary skills. Sam Perkins should appear to make his Mary Jane Marsala. Oliver Miller can show off his lard-infused bacon rolls. Set your DVR for Stephen Jackson's Strip Club Snapper and Andray Blatche's Hooker Hanger Steak.

Oakley should have no problem making his mark. If Rachel Ray can do it, he can do it. We haven't seen Cafe Oakley yet but it has to be better than this:

Bobby Engram Hearts Mike Holmgren

Awww! Seahawk WR Bobby Engram's too shy to tell his coach Mike Holmgren that he choo-choo chooses him in person so he thought he would drop off a letter early before practice. It didn't work for Ralph Wiggum so Engram's chances aren't looking too good.

"I kind of enjoy that," Holmgren kidded. "It means he graduated from college and he can type."

The letter is assumed to contain Engram's demands for mo' money**. He dropped the letter off and left before the start of minicamp.

Engram wants a new deal from the Seahawks however the team wants him to play out this coming season before negotiating a new deal. He's coming off a career season in which he had 1147 yards. Woo. He did attend a mandatory camp last Friday. Chad Johnson called to call him a sellout.

It doesn't seem as though Holmgren is too concerned. He said that Engram "is an emotional player" so this isn't unexpected. Hopefully there will be videotape of the moment Engram's heart breaks when Holmgren tells him that he's not getting what he wants.


**You thought you were getting Stacey Dash, didn't you?

Finally Someone Who Won't Fight Back

Very Big Club Newcastle United has fallen on hard times over the past couple years after finding domestic and European glory. Winning the Inter-Cities Fairs Cup in 1969 is a massive achievement. Have you won it? I didn't think so.

Despite the lack of success on the pitch, Newcastle claims to have fans that will see the club through thick and thin. St. James Park is always filled to its 50,000+ capacity for every match by loyal and... What's that? They give tickets away? Of course they do. All teams have corporate and family seats. What do you mean they're not exactly corporate or family seats?

The BBC reports that Newcastle distributes four season tickets a year to recovering drug addicts as a way to "help them on the path to recovery".

"The tickets are provided on the understanding that they are used, as part of a package of measures, to particularly help young people who have had substance misuse problems, and are making clear progress and showing a genuine commitment to living a normal, structured life.

"We thank the club for this generous gesture that goes a long way towards re-introducing people to a structured way of life."

It's not clear how going to a Newcastle match would help addicts adapt to living a sober life. Have you ever been to Newcastle? There's nothing to do but drink and use drugs. Have you ever watched Newcastle play? It'll make you want to drink and do drugs. Even when they're not playing, they're not setting a good example:

Ja! Check out the latest installment of Michael Ballack's Secret Diary. It's wunderbar.

The Tipsy McStagger Clause

Time to get paid, blow up like the...too soon? Bob Huggins is getting some serious paper from West Virgina. His contract was made public and shows that he stands to make at least $20 million over the next 10 years before incentives.

The contract does note that he can be fired for being drunk or using drugs.

The contract stipulates Huggins can be fired for substance abuse or habitual intoxication affecting his job performance. A West Virginia spokesman said that is a standard clause in employment contracts.

I wonder if there's a graduation rate clause. Somehow I doubt it.

You Can't Stop Roman Abramovich

Will Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich stop at nothing to rule the world of soccer? £80M for Messi? What would he pay for Wayne Rooney?

The Deuce has exclusive footage of Uncle Roman trying to tap up Wayne Rooney. This clip also shows that you can't leave Sven Goran-Eriksson in a room alone let alone with a secretary.



You can't blame Sir Alex for being so pissed at this blatant effort to steal his player.

Hang Your Head, Purple Jesus

Maybe we spoke too fast. We brought you the story of the Long Island parents who tried to cook their baby in the car during the Kentucky Derby on Monday. Ex-Minnesota Viking Darrion Scott is not about to give up the Parent of the Year Award without a fight.

Scott was arrested after putting a dry cleaning bag over the head of his 2-year old son and holding him down while he kicked and screamed. The mother came to pick the boy up and heard him screaming.

She said the boy was on his back on the floor, his legs kicking and that Scott was holding the bag tightly around the boy's neck.

Scott was charged with third-degree assault, domestic assault by strangulation and endangerment of a child. He claimed he was playing with the boy and he "wanted to see if the boy could get the bag off his head by himself". What the fuck?

This isn't the first time Scott has been suspected of child abuse.

[The mother] told police she had evidence of previous injuries while the child was in Scott's care. A doctor who examined the boy said there is a reasonable degree of medical certainty that marks on the boy's arm and ear were intentionally inflicted and were consistent with either burning or being struck.

How children manage to stay with abusive parents is beyond me. People always talk about an overburdened system but how many times do people in the know look the other way? One can only hope the mother reported the previous incidents to the authorities so they could do nothing.

Here's hoping Scott gets molested in jail if found guilty. I'm not sure who would do it. Maybe some big Green Mile looking muthafucka. Perhaps Kamala the Ugandan Headhunter could be introduced into the general population. That Kamala concept wasn't racist. Not at all.

WTF? Have they ever heard any player from Liverpool speak? They should be required to take English lessons as well.

What Will America Jr. Think Of Next

The NHL wonders why it's on Versus along with the first Invitational Robert Mugabe Ultimate Animal Fighting Memorial Tournament live from Harare. It's partially because of stupid intros like this one courtesy of the Ottawa Senators. An guard of honor for a mascot? Really?



If we (well Canadia in this case) are going to go down that route, I demand to see a guard of honor for Mr. Met and the San Diego Chicken. It's a different story if the Nationals had a drunk Ted Kennedy with a set of car keys and a bottle of jack for a mascot instead of that stupid Screech.

Pacman Jones' TN Home, Surprisingly Normal

So Pacman Jones has put his house up on the market since he's been traded to Dallas to play for the Cowboys so now one very rich person has a chance to live like Pacman...which by looking at his house, is pretty damn normal.

Here's one more picture of this place below, looks nice and spacious, but unless he's already 3/4 moved out already you must have to make way more than Pacman does to furnish this place. This guy is living like the bachelor that he is in this gigantic house so does he really have to have all this room? Looks to me like he can just live out of his bedroom here. I mean, what more does a man need in there besides a refrigerator and a microwave?

The shocking this is that I don't see any stripper poles or gigantic circular revolving beds with velvet sheets and disco balls above. No, none of that. Just what looks like a relatively normal McMansion in the suburbs of Nowheresville, Tennessee. Where the heck is a man supposed to play "Make it Rain" in this joint?

Dude even has horse stables and a whole horse run there. I noticed they were empty, but hey, its a lot better than what Michael Vick had going on in his backyard.

This house only makes the mystery that is Pacman Jones grow bigger.

Images all from the real estate page

MLB Really Wants You To See Indiana Jones

Here is a screen grab of the Washington Nationals tickets page, click on it if you want it full size. Did you see May 22nd there and notice that the Nationals are playing Indiana Jones that day? What the hell is that? Its not just the Nationals either, if you look at all the MLB games that day on MLB's team ticket sales sites, they all have an Indiana Jones background on May 22nd, which happens to be the opening day of the fourth installment of the franchise. Want a closer shot of him? Here you go:

I'm not sure why, could be because I'm a sensitive blogger who gets touchy about a lot of things, but I'm kind of upset about this. I mean, i'm sure MLB got paid a pretty penny to stick Harrison Ford on every team's schedule, and that's good for them, but really, this has NOTHING to do with baseball. Its just a pure and blatant cash grab. Sure, MLB schedules are not some sacred thing that never have advertising along with t