Whamp! Whamp! The U.S. women’s soccer team shit the bed against Japan in penalty kicks at the conclusion of the Fifa Women’s World Cup finals in Frankfurt, Germany, surely easing some of the hurt for the nation after the horrific Fukushima daichi nuclear disaster on March 11. Despite this loss, your humble correspondent is not upset by the result. After all, Japan is a terrific nation, with weird, Japanese animation porn, and samurai swords, not to mention sake, and I think robots. They need our support. What? Yes, of course I’ve been to Japan before! I don’t just write about things I know nothing about, you know!

I guess what I’m saying is, it’s just soccer, not a real sport. Women’s soccer at that.

We’re pretty sure the England manager and his assistant Franco Baldini would like to be up in Miss Wales’ ass like Dr. Dre. If either of them get that, it might look a little something like this.

You can’t keep a good ho down especially on her birthday. What does a ho eat on her special day? Hoecakes of course! Jenny “Juici” Thompson, known only for servicing Wayne Rooney for money, celebrated her birthday with a cake commemorating their hotel rendezvous with her friend Helen Wood.

The cake came complete with champagne bottles and cash. Thompson, sorry Juici, loved the cake especially the marzipan Shrek head.

A party attendee said,

“It’s a shame there were no footballers at the party – that would have been the icing on the cake. But Jen had a great night. She looked amazing in a low-cut dress and had dyed her hair red for the occasion.”

Silly customer. He or she should know the footballers only come at the end of the night when hoes are involved. Why would they show up until it’s time for some action? There’s no reason to be around her when she’s off the clock.

Chelsea’s Didier Drogba was not about to be outdone by Shrek. His birthday/ho cake also came with some ladies on it. Since he keeps it classy, it was presented to him by three topless models. Dom Perignon, Cristal and Grey Goose flowed down an ice luge and kept everyone properly lubricated. The models ended up at Ashley Cole’s table so you know lubrication was the word of the night. Just don’t ask him to spell it.

The Sun also reports that Everton’s Jack Rodwell (strong porn name) is attemting to woo Juici by texting her naked pictures of himself. Dude, you’re doing it wrong. She’s a prostitute. Then again maybe he’s old school and wants to court her before he leaves the money on the cabinet after asking her to dress up like a schoolgirl and wear a wig like Fellaini’s. That gets him ready to roast.

** You gotta love our dated references. Since we referenced it, here’s your morning musical interlude.

Natural Born Killers by Dr. Dre and Ice Cube

This clip is a couple years old but it’s new to us. This player didn’t take too kindly to being fouled. If you’re going to do it, you better make sure he stays down. If you don’t, you’re gonna end up in a body bag.

This guy may not have struck first but he struck hard. There’s all kinds of pain in this dojo. Now we know where Evo Morales gets it from.

There’s no better time for announcers to get self-righteous than when a streaker runs on the field of play during a sporting event. Joe Buck must have a small aneurysm every time every time he sees cock and balls on a football field. He almost imploded when Randy Moss pretended to moon the crowd at Lambeau Field.

Dorchester Town’s Andy Vickers decided to help the stewards corral a streaker and received a red card for his efforts. Watch the hilarity ensue.

The sending off scene needs some Benny Hill music playing in the background. This is every day in Latin American soccer.