Reading Between the Headlines
It’s pretty easy to get obsessed with the MLB Trading Deadline, but as I get older I find myself getting tired of being jerked around. In my mind, I’m able to live with certain guys no longer being on their previous team as long as I have proper time to visualize it. For example, it was tough for me to accept Roy Oswalt in anything but an Astros uniform, but when I thought he’d land with the Cardinals, I started to make peace with it. When he was traded to the Phillies, that messed up the entire part of my brain dedicated to processing Roy Oswalt’s existence in my feeble mind. It’s a rather small existence, but still… Since there is a new Adam Dunn trade rumor just about every couple of hours, that part of me is in utter disarray. I don’t know how I’ll contemplate him in a Tigers or White Sox uniform. That wouldn’t look right. What if he stays in Washington? Will I still view him as a National or does part of me think of him as a rental from the Reds? I don’t know. That one may take some time. But I do know this: it’s time to do some headlines:
- Roy Oswalt waived his no-trade clause in order to complete a trade sending him to the Philadelphia Phillies.
Not a bad consolation prize for basically giving Cliff Lee away this past winter. In the past year, the Phillies have traded for three of the best pitchers in baseball (combined career record: 402-222) without giving up their best prospect. Ifthe Yankees had done this, we’d have to hold an intervention for ESPN.com story commenters. Either way, Team Roy should form a pretty good 1-2 punch as the Phils try to get back to the World Series.
- Terrell Owens signed a free agent contract with the Cincinnati Bengals.
Bengals coach Marvin Lewis must be a glutton for punishment. Here are his starting wide receivers, or as I like to call it, the “Depth Chart of Crazy”:
Chad Ochocinco: Twitter-addicted egomaniac who legally changed his name to “eight-five” in Spanish. Budding reality TV star, possibly insane.
Terrell Owens: Egomaniacal cry baby who throws quarterbacks under the bus like temper tantrums: regularly. Budding reality tv star, probably insane.
Antonio Bryant: Labeled as a “bad character” guy dating back to his college days at Pitt, he repeatedly gets into fights with his coaches, probably because of his ego, which usually leads to him having to find a new team (or because he fails a drug test). Maybe insane.
See a trend here? Sidenote: Marvin’s starting running back is Cedric Benson… So good luck with all that…
- The Baltimore Orioles hired Buck Showalter as their new manager.
I don’t know what took the Orioles so long, but Showalter is probably the best hire the Orioles could have made. He has a solid track record of getting his players to play disciplined baseball. Granted, he usually gets fired after three or four
seasons because his players grow to hate him, but with 32 wins through July, the O’s aren’t really in a place to call the shots. One O’s fan reaction: “Did Showalter count how many times ‘major league worst’ can appear in one article about the Orioles before he took the position?” Needless to say, Buck will have his work cut out for him. First suggestion: hire this man! You can never have too many “Bucks.”
- ESPN reportedly killed a Vegas story on LeBron James that painted the player in an unflattering light.
The rumor circulating was that the writer misidentified himself to Team LeBron. Silly ESPN, how dare they report something unflattering about a basketball player. Best leave that to those scalawags at Deadspin! And how come Bill Simmons wasn’t writing this piece? He knows more about Vegas and the NBA than anyone! Oh wait, it was because he was busy hopping off the Red Sox bandwagon to write a “This Third Place Boston Red Sox Team Doesn’t Entertain Me” article for the front page of sonsofsamhorn.com espn.com.
- Albert Haynesworth failed his physical with the Redskins for the second time in as many days.
Comeback story of the week:
- Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez made his minor league debut for the Washington Nationals’ Rookie League affiliate.
Duque is one of my favorite players of all time. He tells people he’s 44 years old but it’s probably closer to 46. Despite his World Series rings and career earnings over $34M, he’s still holding on to the dream. Or he’s broke. I hope it’s not the latter. Either way, I’ll be pulling for him.
That’s it for me. If you need me, I’ll be on a gigantic boat, resting my shoulder, preparing for one last summer push into the MLB playoff races and the start of football. Gotta make some room in my brain:
Tagged with: Adam Dunn • Antonio Bryant • Buck Showalter • Chad Ochocinco • El Duque • ESPN • Homer • Lebron • Reading Between the Headlines • Roy Oswalt • Simmons • Simpsons • Terrell Owens • Trade Deadline • Wine-making Course
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