There’s no need to touch the first part of that. It’s an accepted fact that Lars Ulrich is a waste of space. Many would call it a posteriori knowledge based on years of shows, interviews and a painful movie. I would venture to say that it’s a priori. Experience and evidence be damned.

What does Lars have to do with Metallica playing soccer? Nothing. Kirk Hammett on the other hand…

Hammett could definitely start for Qatar’s national team. Gotta love how he looked back and kept on moving. “Shit, that’s probably Lars’ kid. Maybe he’ll feel that like a Crimson Twin.”

Bet you didn’t think you would see anything more homoerotic than the Top Gun beach volleyball scene or the race between Rocky and Apollo in Rocky III outside of porn. Tina Turner and Australia have something to say about that. Check out this 1989 Australian rugby league promo. Talk about hitting all markets in one money shot.

Who knew Freddie Mercury played rugby? No fat-bottomed girls for him today. He likes his men like he likes his paper towels. Burly with a mustache.

Aussie Rules could have gone down the same path and gotten Elton John or Cher to do their ads. Hell no. AC/DC all the way.

The NFL and major networks could learn something from the Australians. Give the people what they want and stop trying to force feed us crap like the Sunday Night Football theme by Faith Hill.

No way we’re posting the real thing. Do they really think viewership will go up with Hill doing the intro? I’ll say it now. I’ll take John Tesh over that milquetoast bullshit every time. I’d give NBC a little more leeway if they had Joan Jett sing it but she’s a lesbian and they can’t have that. We also can’t show players getting blown up because people’s feelings will get hurt and no one will think of the children. Douche rock doesn’t count, ESPN. That’s no better. You want to get me hype for a game? Give us players getting lit up and making ridiculous catches to X Gon Give It To Ya by DMX or Assassin by Muse.

Who can forget Joel Monaghan? It seems like it was just last week when he was letting a dog blow him. Oh that’s right. It was last week. As you might imagine, his team wants nothing to do with him. Luckily for him, Super League teams are cool with bestiality.

London-based Harlequins of the Super League are interested in signing Monaghan after he resigned from the Canberra Raiders after pictures of him being blown by a dog were released on the internet.

Harlequins are favourites to sign Joel Monaghan after the disgraced centre announced he would be continuing his career in Super League.

Monaghan admitted that he would look to continue his career in Super League, where his older brother Michael plays with Warrington. His agent, Jim Banaghan, has already made contact with several clubs.

Quins have been linked with the player, though a spokesperson said: “I can confirm we haven’t had any direct contact with Joel.”

So that means he’ll be signed tomorrow or they’ve never heard of him. Glad that’s clear.

You know you’ve messed up when you have to leave Australia for something that isn’t even a crime down under. The closest example is probably Gary Glitter getting kicked out of Thailand for being too good of a pedophile. “Yeah we’re normally cool with it but you’re putting a lot of Germans and Irish out of business the way you run through our kids. Try Vietnam instead.”

Maybe Monaghan and Michael Vick can start their own support group. Then again Vick might suggest killing the dog that blew him for being a snitch. Never mind.

You know times are ill when you can’t score in Bangkok. Tiger Woods lost his number one ranking to Lee Westwood. He then flamed out of the appropriately named World Golf Salutes King Bhumibol Skins Tournament in Thailand the following week finishing last out of four. He should have rolled with Gary Glitter. He can bag a win anywhere in southeast Asia.

Tiger is now off to Australia where he’ll compete in the Australian Masters, the last tournament he won before he went to town on Perkins and caught a golf club upside the head. Tournament officials are warning spectators that they shouldn’t heckle him about his “troubles”. We assume they’re talking about his standards. He should be thoroughly mocked for them. Fans will receive one warning before being ejected if they start trouble. In other words, make the first taunt count.

100,000 fans are expected over the course of the tournament. Now we expect that someone can come up with something good to rattle Tiger. We challenge anyone in attendance to one up this kangaroo.

Imagine if he did this in front of Tiger instead of Rory Sabbatini? Genius. In the words of Homer Simpson, “It works on so many levels”

Although Tiger will be protected, spectators will be permitted to berate Sergio Garcia at will until he cries.

Who can forget DMX? A brilliant mix of infectous stupidity and ignorance that was impossible to deny. 1998 brought “It’s Dark and Hell is Hot”. It wasn’t long before he reached even higher heights with tracks like “What’s My Name” and “What These Bitches Want”. Bet you never read the lyrics. Amazing. He’s loved all over the world from France to Australia. Canberra Raiders center Joel Monaghan loves him so much, he decided to make a photo tribute while drunk. To say he took “Get At Me, Dog” the wrong way would be the understatement of the year.

Monaghan is facing a Randy Moss-style release from the Raiders after a picture emerged of him in a sex act with a dog. He, along with several teammates, got loaded during Canberra’s Mad Monday festival and somehow ended up have a dog go to town on his kibbles and bits if you know what I mean. If that wasn’t bad enough, someone posted the picture on Twitter where it quickly made the rounds.

Canberra CEO Don Furner was dumbfounded and appalled by the image of Monaghan and a dog, which was posted on the social network site Twitter before Melbourne radio station SEN named the Raider yesterday morning.

Monaghan admitted to being the person in the picture and issued a statement through his manager.

“Joel can’t blame anyone but himself for an act of stupidity that will haunt him for the rest of his life,” Banaghan said.

“Joel wants to make it clear that he was the one playing a prank on an absent teammate by simulating the act.

“There are no words of explanation that can be offered because none can be appropriate.

“Joel has to now face his family as well as fans and supporters with that shame and has already undergone counselling to help him cope with the consequences of what has happened.

“It was a moment of abject stupidity brought about by too much drink and a complete lack of any thought process.

“The fact that someone has sought to compound the situation further by the use of social media only adds to the trauma, but Joel accepts that it is his actions alone that are at fault.

Ah yes. Blame the messenger for having a dog all up on your nuts like a squirrel. Luckily for Monaghan, bestiality isn’t illegal in the ACT so he won’t face any charges. He still has to deal with a pissed off and rejected dog. “You expect me to just go away after I service you? I will not be ignored!”

Monaghan entered counseling or beasthab for an undetermined amount of time. He’d probably be better off moving to Tasmania where he wouldn’t have to hide his shame.

We managed to find a SFW picture of the incident. It’s greened out enough so you can’t see the unpleasantness. If you’re sick, sorry interested enough, it’s after the jump. Enjoy!

Read the rest of this entry