The last few weeks I’ve found myself listening to more sports talk radio than usual.  In between listening to Sportszilla and the Jabber Jocks blather on about the NFL Lockout (“WE ARE GETTING CLOSER. I THINK THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN ANY DAY NOW), I’ve heard a gravelly-voiced guy referred to as “Coach” giving a bunch of dudes in what sounded like a locker room, a pep talk about drinking. A similar commercial features a Rex Ryan-wannabe that talks to a similar group of cheering men about being “that guy.” The background features a cheap “Explosions in the Sky”-esque guitar riff to build the anticipation. Are they hackneyed? Oh Lord, yes. Do they make me want to go out on a random Tuesday night and tie one on? Sort of. A few of the choice lines:

“Gentlemen, you were conceived on nights like tonight.”

Bullshit. This is also kind of insulting — is Budweiser insinuating my parents were hopped up on Bud Heavys when they decided to make a little Duke? A) My parents weren’t that cool; and B) thanks for making me think about how that whole process went down.

“Tonight, you’re up against it. It’s gonna be YOU against YOU.  Who you gonna be? You gonna be that guy who missed it?”

Oh, crap.  Someone let Jon Gruden in the building. But pangs of guilt are seeping in. Quoth the Cube: “Peer pressure is a motherf*cker.”

“You don’t want to be that guy that has to turn in early because he has work the next morning.”

Man, I do not want to be that guy.  I have too many friends who are that guy and they are lame. But… I also don’t want to be the guy who rolls into work reeking of booze with glassy eyes.  That guy usually ends up unemployed or in AA.

“That guy will never buy a round of Budweisers for the entire bar. We LOVE that guy.”

“See kids, there are 3 types of advertising messages: Subliminal, Liminal, and SuperLiminal.” — LT Smash

“Tonight is underrated…Tonight you can’t be disappointed… It’s just another night.”

Huh? It’s a Tuesday and I have a 9 o’clock meeting tomorrow. Do chicks even go out on Tuesday nights? I have the feeling I’m going to be sitting at a bar by myself until 11:30, when the bar closes BECAUSE IT’S A FREAKING TUESDAY NIGHT.

“It’s when you stayed up until the sun comes up.”

Does that mean I won’t be conceiving children tonight?  Or does that come after?  Because I’m gonna be tired.

“Put on your Saturday night outfit and make tonight the greatest night of your life.”

Help me out here — what is my “Saturday night outfit?” Can I wear jeans? Are flip flops to casual? Also, anyone else creeped out that “Coach” is telling me what “outfits” to wear?

“YOU GOT TO GO OUT.”

Ok, ok, I get it. See you at the bar.

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