MMA expert TF keeps writing, so we keep posting. This time he tackles the coaching at his alma mater.
Pre-game speeches are nothing new to football games. For years, NFL viewers were subjected to countless tired pre-game sideline shots of a murderous Ray Lewis or a milquetoast Drew “Hair Club for Men” Brees attempting to fire up their teammates. However, thanks to the innovation of voyeuristic network execs, we now have more access to athletes than ever before — including inside the locker room where we can sometimes treat ourselves to the cathartic and spontaneous ramblings of eloquent legends like Ron Mexico Mike Vick.
“Hot route! Hot route!”
Anyway, not to take anything away from their effort, but for some reason ESPN continues to televise Mid-American Conference football games and employing Jesse Palmer. After a disastrous 2009 where they finished with a 1-11 record, Miami of Ohio bounced back in 2010 to finish 10-4, becoming the first team in conference history to go from double-digit losses to double-digit wins. The only person associated with Miami who was disappointed is perhaps the school’s former coach, Michael Haywood, who took the Pitt coaching job just this past December, right before the team won its 10th game. Haywood is also likely just now learning about the Chris Rock school of avoiding domestic violence charges. Instead, Interim Coach Lance Guidry was charged with giving an, oh, I don’t know, let’s say “interesting” speech (as well as a short history lesson) to his team before they went out and beat powerhouse Middle Tennessee State 35-21.
It’s not exactly “Varsity Blues,” but it’s not bad, either. No wonder Miami of Ohio is often fondly referred to as “the Harvard of the Midwest” full of smart, and classy, teachers and students. (Adjusts ascot, opens The New Yorker, lights pipe, strikes Thai escort with a sock full of nickels).
Because he’s been so prolific lately, we allowed MMA expert Turd Ferguson drop some knowledge about his first true love: WWE. At this point, we’re pretty sure it’s the only thing that keeps him off the streets:
As you may know by now, my contributions to this site are related to MMA, a sport that has grown faster than Eddie Murphy’s unrecognized children, or Chris Tucker’s girth (his belly, perverts). Therefore, fair reader: please bear in mind that I speak today in lamentation of the wrestling of yesteryear, and not the MTV garbage that we know today.
Men like the Legion of Doom, the Nasty Boys, the Ultimate Warrior, and Doink the Clown, have been replaced by wannabe models and actors who dance around the ring like a casting call for “The Bachelorette” (note to self: pick up headshots). These days, with guys like MTV’s Real World “The Miz” holding the strap, it’s almost enough to make me want to throw on a sandpaper jimmy hat and hump Snooki. But, that isn’t to say that legends don’t still engage in this sport. Take Triple H for example, a 13-time WWE Champion, which of course has nothing to do with his wife and her role with his employer. Regardless, Triple H has always been a decent wrestler (even after tearing his quadriceps) and seemed like a guy who could make a transition to making crappy movies just like “The Rock” and more recently, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.
After swinging and missing with bigger budget features like “The Condemned” and “See No Evil,” WWE films dialed it back to straight-to-DVD offerings, with budgets that would rival only the wealthiest of porn companies but with acting that falls just below that lofty So-Cal standard.
Be forewarned, fellas, this isn’t exactly Citizen Kane, or even “See No Evil:”
“For Ray Bradstone, no job was too daunting, no job was too dangerous, but one final heist was left, steal back his daughter’s heart…”
At this point in the trailer, 17 seconds in, I downed an entire bottle of unlabeled prescription pills and chased it with a bottle of Drano.
Gouge out my eyeballs and slice off my ears Youtube:
Wow, that spitball that landed on Triple H’s “genetically enhanced” face looked promising at the end. While Triple H is hardly the least charismatic star to make it on screen, probably best to leave this one to the $.99 Wal-Mart bargain bin and late-night Netflix guilt viewings.
In H’s defense, it’s not like the bar has been set particularly high:
MMA expert Turd Ferguson checks-in with a take on Brandon “The Truth” Vera.
UFC President Dana White doesn’t believe in stimulus planning (high-fives John Boehner, googles “John Boner”). Therefore, if you don’t bring daddy his money, then you best be on a stroll fah good, ya dig!? (tips hat with cane, walks away with a limp).
Vera, once heralded as one of the top up-and-coming fighters, has limped to a 3-6 record; including 0-3 in his last three fights. Throw in the fact that he’s 33 years-old and the phrase “up-and-comer” no longer fits; kinda like a freshman trying on pants after his first year of college.
After Vera earned a TKO over Frank Mir in just 69 seconds (laughs like Beavis & Butthead), he got worked over by Tim Sylvia. At UFC 105, Vera controversially lost to Randy Couture by unanimous decision. Lately, Vera fights are tougher to watch than a Ashton Kutcher movie (seriously, why hasn’t someone kidnapped this guy by now?). Nonetheless, it’s a new year, and White is taking out the trash.
Tough break for Vera. Dana White’s got a stable of thoroughbreds right now that would make Hugh Hefner jealous. The top fighters in the world want to compete in UFC, and White won’t keep fighters who on the payroll don’t win. Even popular guys like Keith Jardine, who is probably somewhere in a Motel 6 closet with a baseball bat trying to collect his check.
“I think the fighters in the sport are just now starting to make good money,” Walker [said]. “The promoters are making good money, and sooner or later the fighters should start making good money. Some of them make OK money but not great money. But the way the contracts are written for the UFC, sooner or later there needs to be a union. I think a union should come in.”
A union could help protect fighters from shenanigans like this and would give fighters some basic levels of health benefits in a brutal sport. But, this is America, and what’s good for one fighter, say with mental health issues (cough, War Machine, cough) may not be good for all fighters. This is also “AMERICA,” and if we want to get beaten unconscious, and then lick our wounds with a bottle and a babe, then so be it (cue the National Anthem, light the sparklers). Walker also thinks that MMA should be an Olympic sport. Agreed. If ice skating is an Olympic sport, then why not haul out the octagon and give it a try? Also, mud wrestling.
In case you haven’t noticed, MMA has been in the headlines lately. Expect a lot from our resident MMA-Expert Turd Ferguson in the coming days. Here, T.F. weighs in on the rumored departure of former Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar.
In the 1980’s, professional wrestlers were real-life gladiators, confronting the dual challenges of vanishing scrotums and hairlines against the physical limitations of excessive weightlifting and zero cardio. On any given night, in arenas across the country, well-oiled hot dog-resembling hard bodies would collide for the coveted WWF championship; a gaudy belt that all but guaranteed its owner a bounty of lap dances and boilermakers in all the finest strip clubs and truck stops across the land. His likeness would also adorn only the dirtiest, sweatiest, and tightest cotton t-shirts that trailer-dwellers could purchase. Mock if you must, dear reader, but to the broad array of folks sustaining our mobile home industry, these athletes represented living gods.
Today, like most sports, pro wrestling has evolved. WrestleMania is now a bigger draw than ever, with cities bidding for the right to host it like those dudes in “Hostel.” Every spring, Vince “Clean living” McMahon throws a White Trash Woodstock extravaganza that’s nothing short of a GWAR concert. Please know that WrestleMania is oh, much more than merely a rite of passage for the flyover states, Tea Party activists, and Girls Gone Wild litigants; indeed, it’s more like a monster-truck rally rolled into a porn convention sprinkled with an Insane Clown Posse concert.
Brock Lesnar knows this, but do you?
Famous “journalist” for “non-sports sports” (and probably National Closet-Masturbating Champion) Dave Meltzer, reports Brock “Erik the Red” Lesnar is eyeballing a return to the WWE much like he probably eyeballs a vial of Winstrol just before he takes that big injection in his bum (GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER! I’m talking about ‘roids!).
Meltzer reports Lesnar could pocket $2M to take on “The Undertaker,” who is a whopping 18-0 in Wrestlemania –the greatest fake sports record after Barry Bonds and Wilt Chamberlain. Lesnar’s star is never going to be any brighter, and apparently he wants a big check to step into the squared circle before going back to real fights (and sports).
Of course, we would be remiss if we did not mention the fact that Lesnar is somewhat infamous for his inability to stay in one place for too long, much like myself on Father’s Day or during a certain Christian holiday that demands a sustained presence with your offspring and a gift exchange. Lesnar was a big draw in the WWE from 2002-2004 but left $45M on the table so he could try out for the Los Angeles Minnesota Vikings as a defensive lineman. A motorcycle accident derailed his efforts and led to his eventual release. Subsequently, Lesnar began his MMA career in 2007.
Still, if Lesnar wants to slip back on the black trunks and boots for a quick payday against the ‘Taker, I say do it. The Rock did this several times while he was off making crappy movies and even over-the-hill athletes like Lawrence Taylor, Pete Rose, Mike Tyson, and Mr. T have stepped into the squared circle and put their lives and reputations on the line. At this point in his career, Lesnar’s situation isn’t much different.