We’re pretty sure the England manager and his assistant Franco Baldini would like to be up in Miss Wales’ ass like Dr. Dre. If either of them get that, it might look a little something like this.

You can’t keep a good ho down especially on her birthday. What does a ho eat on her special day? Hoecakes of course! Jenny “Juici” Thompson, known only for servicing Wayne Rooney for money, celebrated her birthday with a cake commemorating their hotel rendezvous with her friend Helen Wood.

The cake came complete with champagne bottles and cash. Thompson, sorry Juici, loved the cake especially the marzipan Shrek head.

A party attendee said,

“It’s a shame there were no footballers at the party – that would have been the icing on the cake. But Jen had a great night. She looked amazing in a low-cut dress and had dyed her hair red for the occasion.”

Silly customer. He or she should know the footballers only come at the end of the night when hoes are involved. Why would they show up until it’s time for some action? There’s no reason to be around her when she’s off the clock.

Chelsea’s Didier Drogba was not about to be outdone by Shrek. His birthday/ho cake also came with some ladies on it. Since he keeps it classy, it was presented to him by three topless models. Dom Perignon, Cristal and Grey Goose flowed down an ice luge and kept everyone properly lubricated. The models ended up at Ashley Cole’s table so you know lubrication was the word of the night. Just don’t ask him to spell it.

The Sun also reports that Everton’s Jack Rodwell (strong porn name) is attemting to woo Juici by texting her naked pictures of himself. Dude, you’re doing it wrong. She’s a prostitute. Then again maybe he’s old school and wants to court her before he leaves the money on the cabinet after asking her to dress up like a schoolgirl and wear a wig like Fellaini’s. That gets him ready to roast.

** You gotta love our dated references. Since we referenced it, here’s your morning musical interlude.

Natural Born Killers by Dr. Dre and Ice Cube

This clip is a couple years old but it’s new to us. This player didn’t take too kindly to being fouled. If you’re going to do it, you better make sure he stays down. If you don’t, you’re gonna end up in a body bag.

This guy may not have struck first but he struck hard. There’s all kinds of pain in this dojo. Now we know where Evo Morales gets it from.

There’s no better time for announcers to get self-righteous than when a streaker runs on the field of play during a sporting event. Joe Buck must have a small aneurysm every time every time he sees cock and balls on a football field. He almost imploded when Randy Moss pretended to moon the crowd at Lambeau Field.

Dorchester Town’s Andy Vickers decided to help the stewards corral a streaker and received a red card for his efforts. Watch the hilarity ensue.

The sending off scene needs some Benny Hill music playing in the background. This is every day in Latin American soccer.

Not only are we going to Cheshire … we’re going to Manchester and Madrid and Los Angeles and Milan and South Africa, and we’re going back to California and London. And then we’re going to Westminster Abbey to take back the Royal Wedding. Yeah!

David Beckham’s inaugural game for the LA Galaxy was a garish scene. Cameras flashing. Celebrities milling about the stadium. Little girls screaming. Chelsea fans (including myself) loudly questioning Posh’s love of anal and screaming at him every time he came near our section. His scowls warmed our hearts. Goldenballs’ American future was so bright. He was single-handedly going to fill the Galaxy’s trophy cabinet with silverware as well as boost the profile of the MLS. His wife would become a Hollywood A-lister. Years later, the cabinet has more in common with Arsenal’s and his wife is better known for looking like Skeletor than having a successful music or television career. How’s the MLS doing? Growing every year no thanks to him. Since he’s not needed, he’ll be off again.

The Mirror reports that the Galaxy have given Beckham permission to attend the Royal Wedding. It will take place during the regular MLS season and 48 hours before they play FC Dallas (dumbest name in MLS until Real Salt Lake and Sporting Kansas City). He intends to return in time for the game. The reasoning besides his friendship with Prince William? It’s an “amazing British royal event”. I can just imagine Bruce Arena saying that like Billy Bush then throwing it to some chickenhead entertainment reporter for the whole scoop.

Beckham may have helped the Galaxy sell a few more shirts and tickets but that’s about it. It seems as though he spends more time worrying about his non-existent England chances and playing for teams in Europe during the off-season. At least he didn’t come back injured from his time with Spurs. He didn’t do much for them either except buy them pies and mash on the way out.

The Galaxy were wise not to allow Beckham to play any games for Spurs. He’s not getting any younger and playing constantly doesn’t do him or the team any favors. His last stint with AC Milan ended up with him being out for months. His first priority should be the team that sorts his direct deposit. If he wants to leave at the end of his deal, that’s his prerogative.

No one questions Beckham’s work ethic and taking off for a wedding isn’t the worst thing ever but there is something to be said for perception. It’s understandable why many Galaxy fans are fed up with him. It would behoove him to put his head down and fully commit to the team’s cause for a whole season without always thinking about his next move or appearing to put the cause second or third to outside interests.