Do not waste Vinnie Jones’ time on a Sunday by showing up and wanking off. Do that and you’ll get the hairdryer treatment. Check this epic halftime speech Jones gave to the Hollywood All-Stars. Definitely NSFW.

Most people who were aware of the 1994 World Cup at the time remember the name Andres Escobar*. If they don’t, his story still resonates with them. He played for Colombia and is best known for being murdered after scoring an own goal in the tournament. Several drug kingpins were upset with him for causing Colombia to crash out of the competition after losing 2-1 to the US. Let’s just say they had a bit of money riding on Colombia making the second round.

Players, managers and team officials in many countries are used to threats from fans and gamblers when results don’t go their way. Here’s video of ultras protesting Roma’s horrific 4-3 loss to Genoa at their Trigonia training ground on Sunday.

Fans expressing their disappointment by way of pyrotechnics or beatings is expected. Pre-meditated murder is not. Carlos Noe Gomez, vice-president of Guatelmalan team Deportivo Xinabajul was shot and killed after leaving a team meeting last Friday. He received death threats related to the team’s performance prior to his death. They’re currently at the bottom of the league. One has to imagine it’s going to be hard to fill that opening.

If that’s not bad enough, a player from another team was found “chopped up and left in five plastic bags in a rural area with a note saying the player had been killed for ‘messing with other women’” back in November.

Incidents like these make people wish for the good old days of Arkan. At least he was predictable.

*Far be it for us to recommend watching anything on ESPN but you’re missing out if you haven’t seen “The Two Escobars” yet.

** We’re just seeing this now but apparently Salvador Cabanas is back in training. Did we mention he still has a bullet lodged in his brain?

Lionel Messi may not line the ladies up against a wall, ask for 40 condoms and go to work like Robinho but that’s cool. He doesn’t need to go through all that cause he can make the pants drop like a Jedi knight.

What’s more embarrassing? A grown ass man chasing a kid half his age around an airport for some love or that his pants drop while he’s doing it?

So that’s how Real Madrid felt when Barca whupped them 5-0 earlier this season.

Last time we saw Newcastle owner Mike Ashley, he was tearing up Pink Elephant and buying 175 bottles of Cristal while Rome burned. Now fans are giving him a hard time for selling striker Andy Carroll to Liverpool. They need to back up off him like Ed Lover and Dr. Dre. The man has issues.

Newcastle managed to take Liverpool for £35M in exchange for Carroll. One would think the Scousers would have seen it coming considering how robbery is their forte. No way he’s worth that amount despite that being what the market will bear.

Carroll claimed he was forced out. Of course he could have refused to sign a new contract but everyone knows he’s full of shit like Harry Redknapp. He should be happy. He’s now in a city that embraces a criminal like him. Meanwhile Newcastle fans are left holding the team’s official calendar which features Liverpool’s newest striker as Mr. February.

That’s not the worst of it. Newcastle supporters should know better if they think Ashley is going to reinvest the proceeds from the Carroll sale. He would have bought another striker to replace him before the transfer window closed. He’s got more important things to do like lose nearly £1M playing craps.

The Newcastle United owner blew the cash on a night out with team manager Alan Pardew.

At first he hit a winning streak and was soon up £130,000.

Then his luck turned and after two hours’ further play at the craps table he was down an eye-watering £970,000.

Apparently Ashley didn’t care. He still has £889M to lose and he’ll get a decent payout from balloon payments when Newcastle gets relegated again. What’s the lesson here? Alan Pardew makes everything he touches a loser. Somewhere Chris Hughton is laughing.

Seriously, Ashley is going to ruin the club he claims to love through idiotic decisions. For all the talk about Liverpool’s ownership issues, Newcastle has the most to worry about over the rest of the season and into the next. He fired Hughton who brought the team back to the Premier League and had them playing well. He replaced him with a manager who is a perennial loser and was fired from a lower league job because he couldn’t get it done there. He can’t be trusted to buy players who would help the team long or short term. It’s a recipe for disaster.

Photo: The Sun

Don’t let us tell you. Let the Wigan midfielder tell you himself.

“The truth about life in Wigan is that there is nothing to do.”

“It is a crappy place. The town is tiny, and there is no atmosphere.”

“…After training I was able to go for a peaceful stroll. It was never really cold over there.

“But as for here – don’t get me started! When it snowed I felt like the temperature was minus 15, and feared I was going to turn into an ice cube.”

Speaking to French magazine So Foot, he added: “It is a myth to claim that all English women are ugly. But I won’t lie, it is rare to see truly beautiful girls when you go out during the day.

“In Madrid I had the impression that all the women were beautiful.

“But it’s a different story when you go out in the evening here. The girls seem to cover themselves up all day, only to be in good-looking mode at night.”

Well then tell us how you feel. We’re not going to argue with Diame about Wigan. However he might want to worry more about not getting beat by Shaun Wright-Phillips. His only move is to sprint directly into the closest defender after going on a mad run.

Andy Gray says if Diame thinks the women in Wigan are busted, he should check out Newcastle. Why does he think Darren Bent wanted out so bad? Think Andy Carroll and Joey Barton fight all the time for the hell of it? It’s training to keep the wolves at bay.