The 2010 World Cup in South Africa is quickly approaching. Stadiums are nearing completion. Jacob Zuma is picking out the race of his next love child and WAGs are preparing to play Chickenhead in Sun City while their husbands and boyfriends choke away another chance at everlasting glory.

If there’s one thing South Africa is besides beautiful, it’s hospitable … unless you’re from Zimbabwe or a space alien. South Africans want to make sure visitors take full advantage of everything their country has to offer including whores. The Sowetan was kind enough to give readers a rough guide to Johannesburg’s finest and skankiest houses of ill repute.

Enjoy these high and lowlights of the Sowetan’s “investigation”:

The Diplomat Hotel: “As I walked up the stairs at 8pm I felt my shoes stick to the floor … But I am distracted by women in miniskirts, sitting to stairs with their legs open. They are not wearing underwear.”

The Ambassador Hotel: “…The foyer looks inviting but the inside is disappointing” [like the women and your soul] … The sex workers are sitting around with open legs and smoking. For R15 you will get in but it felt like a huge rip-off. The beers cost the same and sex is R50. The rooms are not that bad.”

The Hillbrow Inn: “Imnandi nge condom (It’s delicious with a condom) is the song that welcomes you to the Inn … Other than sex workers, the place has strippers. It was a sight to behold. Red-blooded men being called on to the stage to help strippers take off their underwear and have sex in full view of the patrons … The DJ encouraged safe sex by providing condoms. [You're still doing it wrong, South Africa]

The Royal Hotel: The Royal Hotel, on Leyds Street in Joubert Park, is more upmarket. You fork out a R50 entrance fee. With the bouncers dressed in black suits, I felt like a king.

The Summit Club: “For a sex worker you will pay R260, but using my birthday status I got away with R180.” [Merry new year! Beef jerky time!]

Don’t fret if you’re on a budget. The Moulin Rouge got you. Cheap rooms and ass. Otherwise expect increased prices during the tournament. Inflation’s a bitch. If you’re lucky, you may find that perfect balance of disease that keeps you healthy like Mr. Burns. Happy STD cocktailin’!

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