I'm sorry, what?

Just in case you didn’t know before reading this, I am a girl.  And, like any stereotypical girl, I also happen to be rather fond of shopping. I like shopping for pretty much anything, clothes, purses, shoes, and make-up. I even like the trying on part but, I’ll be honest that I especially like the buying part.  There is just one exception to my love of shopping, I LOATHE shopping for fan gear. 

I hate it so much, I avoid it at all costs and sometimes just opt for wearing my team’s colors.  Why the seething hatred?  Because shopping for fan gear is an extremely frustrating experience. Why? Because I don’t like sparkles, pink (unless it’s the teams color or made to raise awareness for breast cancer), team earrings, team purses, going to a game looking like I am there solely to whore myself, or wearing clothes that don’t fit. Yeah, that’s a lot to dislike.  Hence the moving on to loathing levels. 

Women can’t buy fitted baseball caps.  Instead,  We have to buy those baseball caps with the metal belt thingy in the back, which is miserable to adjust, or buy the plastic snap adjustable ones, which never fit right and look silly when you have a long piece of plastic leftover in the back.  I am sure you are not shocked to learn I do not own a single baseball cap.  At rainy games, I wish I had a hat that fit right.  At sunny games, I wish I had a hat that fit right. 

Women also can’t buy authentic NFL Jersey’s.  Replica and premier jerseys only.  Need help choosing from the options that are available?  Take a look at NFL.com’s guidelines for women shopping for a jersey: 

“Women’s NFL® jerseys from Reebok® have a slimmer, shorter, tighter fit that hits just below the waistline. NFL Shop customer feedback suggests that you should select a size larger than normal when purchasing these jerseys. If you prefer a boxier cut, a kids’ size may fit better, and if you’re looking for a fuller cut and longer length, choose a smaller men’s jersey.”

Gee thanks, but the guide doesn’t work.  Don’t tell me it’s too hard to make clothes that fit us cause if Target can make girls strapless dresses that fit just fine, I have faith that the multi-billion dollar industry that is the NFL can figure it out.  But they haven’t yet.  Women’s jerseys never fit right.  They are too short, too tight in the boobs, and too big everywhere else.  Who thought having boobs should cause a problem?  Clearly the makers of jerseys think women should be flat-chested.  So, I can buy a smaller men’s jersey, right?  Wrong.  The smaller sizes of the men’s jerseys are down to my mid thighs at a minimum and sometimes down to my knees.  So, I usually opt to go with the kids jerseys, which always makes me think, seriously?  Is this really the best they can offer?  At least I get to save money, right?   Right, but I would still rather pay more for something that fit properly.

It also seems as if the marketing geniuses, probably men, thought that in order to make women purchase fan gear, it needed to be sparkly or come in pink

Pink and sparkly at one time, YAY!

It isn’t completely their fault though.  There are a lot of women out there who want pink sparkly clothes available for every occasion, including their one and only trip to The Green Monster

Hmmm, why does he look so happy? Oh, I totally get it now. He's not a Romo fan. He's trying to make fun of Romo? Jessica? Wait, I'm still not sure.

Quite frankly, in my opinion, the only jersey that should be made in pink is Tony Romo’s but, it should come in all sizes so that even his male fans can be forced to wear it when he fumbles away their playoff chances next time. Just kidding.  Okay, I lied, I’m not.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why sports stores offer them.  They offer them because girls, who are more concerned about how they look in orange and think they look like, so much better in pink, buy them.  However,  they should be offered as an option, for girls below the age of 13 only, ID required for purchase.  It shouldn’t be force fed down my throat every time I walk into a Modell’s.  To be honest, I don’t think other women should wear them either.  But, the only way to make stores stop selling them is for girls to stop buying them.  So, PLEASE, stop buying them.  Remember last year when the Titans decided to stomp all over some terrible towels on the sideline?  After the game, it was repeated all over the media, discussed endlessly, and was considered a display of intended disrespect?  Wearing a pink jersey is kinda like that.  So, in my opinion, fan gear should be worn in the authentic team colors only, and, should not be worn in the form of a pair of earrings or an ugly purse.  So, until the teams I root for change their colors to include pink, which I seriously doubt will ever happen, I will never be caught dead in one. 

There needs to be a better option and it seems there are others who agree with me.  There have been recent efforts to tap into the female fan market.  MLB has been at the front of a movement to offer female fans options while baseball reap’s the benefits of tapping into an undervalued market with few desirable options.  So, what made MLB wake up and pay attention?   I would also like to think that someone recognized that men will continue wearing their favorite players t-shirt or jersey long after the shirt is stained, wripped, torn, or their favorite player has retired.  Women, on the other hand, will want options in their wardrobe based on weather, time of the game, or who’s playing that day.  I mean shoot, I know I would never wear a shirt again after there was a big mustard stain on it, I;m just sayin.  Or, someone figured out that MLB Statistics indicate women account for over 40% of fans in attendance at their games.  In leading this movement, MLB partnered with Alyssa Milano and G-III apparel to launch the Touch Line.  The line was then introduced into the NFL, and now, the NHL as well with some college gear thrown in.  Some of the clothes are actually pretty cute.  HOWEVER, most of the items offered are tight, short, show lots of cleavage, and are super-girly, by which I mean you can’t even tell it’s fan gear unless you look very very closely, if anyone looking ever got past the cleavage, that is.  

I am apologizing in advance if this is your mom in her mom jeans.

I know the men reading this aren’t complaining; however, picture that shirt on someone who doesn’t look like Alyssa Milano.  Plus, excuse me if I don’t want to take her fashion advice.  She dated Eric Nies, Carl Pavano, Barry Zito, and Brad Penny.  That’s like a parade of athletic douches.  So, maybe she is designing these clothes for girls who want to look like they date douches?  Word of advice ladies.  You don’t want to look like you want to date a douche, do you?  To be fair though, some of it is wearable and pretty cute.  The hoodies, some t-shirts, and that’s about it.  Tunics and baby doll dresses with a red sox logo on it isn’t my idea of fan gear.

Instead of making further improvements; however, female fan gear has just taken a step backwards.  For all the girls who wear those lame ass sweat pants with Juicy across your asses that make you look like you take it up the ass, Victoria Secret has made something for you.  They just had to throw their hats in the ring with their PINK brand.  I can see the whores, oops I meant hordes, of girls now.  Before you know it, the shirts will say hottest _____fan, right across their ass.  I personally can’t wait because, trust me, even in jeans and a normal t-shirt, when I talk about sports, guys always take me seriously.  These items of clothing will undoubtedly make the girls wearing it look like they are at the game for anything other than the game itself, even if it isn’t true. 

So, fashion designers take note, make something more appropriate, I can guarantee you at least one customer.

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