A couple weeks ago the Washington Nationals put out a list of the top “81 Ways To Use Your Season Tickets” for its fans. Now, call me crazy, but I thought there was really only a couple ways to use your tickets, sell them or use them yourself. Luckily the Nationals were there to tell me that, no, there are other ways that one can use their Nationals season tickets.

The remarkable thing about this list is that there are at least 20 suggestions they offer up that involve you not going to the game.  The team itself is saying “give these tickets away that you paid your hard earned dollars for”!!

Lets take a look at some of the best suggestions.

81. Offer them to your neighbor who takes in your mail while you are on vacation

80. Show your mail carrier you appreciate him or her

79. Get in good with your in-laws

76. Give your tickets to a youth team

75. Give them to a prospective employee who is interviewing from out of town

Right away, five of the first seven suggestions they give the fans are to give away their tickets and make some poor neighbor that cant afford a vacation or a poor mailman or your old ass inlaws or some kids or an unemployed bastard your tickets.  So there you have it Nats fans.  These will be  your demographics for the stands this year: Old people, kids, the unemployed and/or poor and underemployed people.  Sounds like a rollicking good time, what say you chap?  Lets continue.

71. Everyone digs the Long Ball!

Well that is just cheating, that isnt even a way to use the seats.

62. Include them in your products to promote sales

They want me to give them away again, aarrgh! How will forcing anyone to watch this team actually IMPROVE sales anyway?  People might get angry you subjected them to this spent husk of a baseball team.  Onward…

61. Watch all of the teams in the National League in person

In other words…”Come for the Nats…stay for the Phillies”. It should probably read like this instead, however, “Watch all of the teams in the National League’s fans in person”.

60. Rub shoulders with a member of Congress

This will never happen.  You’re far more likely to be rubbing shoulders OF a member of Congress than this.  Hell you’re far more likely to be rubbing a member of a member of Congress than this.

57. Five Guys, Hard Times, Gifford’s Ice Cream … need we say more?


/not honestly

56. Donate them to your Chamber of Commerce

What?  Who? Give them away again??

53. Send a fax or make a copy in the Sharp Business Center

Wait, ok, you want your fans to go to the stadium and use their tickets just so they can treat your stadium like a Kinkos? That’s our Nats!!

50. Offer tickets to a service person who has taken care of you or a family member

“Thanks for watching over grandma while she was dying so here’s some Nationals tickets.  You might get a sense of what she was feeling in her end of days while attending this game.”

36. Catch a glimpse of the Washington Monument and the Capitol Dome

But only a glimpse since the geniuses that built this stadium didn’t point it in the right direction and built above ground parking garages that conveniently block all the views that would allow you to see these things.

34. You need an excuse to eat an ice cream sundae in a little batting helmet

Dont you go there Nationals!  DONT GO THERE!

29. Because Ben’s Chili Bowl tastes so good in April and September


20. Sit in the Scoreboard Pavilion seats and catch some rays

They are actually talking about the Tampa Bay Rays but sadly the Nationals do not play them this season.

19. Impress your friends

“Hey check out my season tickets to this suck ass team.  Impressed?  I know you are.”

18. Check out a new part of DC along the Anacostia waterfront


17. Be eco-friendly and ride the Metro


16. Pay your babysitter with them so…

So…what? You can bang and pay off her silence with tickets?  What the hell are the ellipses for here?  WHAT ARE THEY HIDING??

13. Meet a blind date at the Red Loft

This one is actually brilliant.  You tell your date to wear something and then you say you’ll wear a Red hat or something and then you can go and scope him/her out at the crowded ass Red Loft before you actually meet.  If the person looks like Quasimodo then you can just toss your hat in the trash and head to the bar for a much deserved beer.  Best. Suggestion. Ever.

11. Show your appreciation to the company intern

9. Birthday gift for Dad! (and Mom since Dad will be out of the house!)

8. Give your tickets to your child’s little league or softball coach

5. Donation to an auction for your favorite charity

4. Reward employee for a job well done

3. As a “Thank You” for local community volunteers

Anthony Keidis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers says “GIVE IT AWAY! GIVE IT AWAY! GIVE IT AWAY NOW!”

And finally.

10. Donate to our wounded veterans at Walter Reed Hospital

Haven’t they suffered enough, Washington Nationals?  For reals.

H/T to Trapper John for this

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