Aww look at Newcastle striker Andy Carroll. He was a little Joey Barton in training but now he’s all growns up. First he was arrested for beating on his ex-girlfriend. He was released on bail with the condition that he move in with captain Kevin Nolan. He then woke up one day to find his Range Rover burnt to a crisp in Nolan’s driveway and graffiti painted on the garage. Now he’s moving out after partying with a bunch of groupies after Newcastle destroyed Sunderland 5-0 almost two weeks ago.

Carroll and Nolan along with two others picked up three girls and brought them back to Nolan’s house after going on a 12 hour bender following their derby win.

The pair were said to have kicked off their drinks spree at 6pm in Ponteland, Northumberland - near the plush pad Nolan shares with Hayley, 29, daughter Jasmine, four, and the couple’s baby son.

The footballers - joined by a pal of Nolan’s called Carl and a “close protection officer” hired to guard Carroll - then moved on to Newcastle city centre. There, they drank in two bars before partying until 3am in a club - linking up with three girls aged around 20.

The group continued their celebrations - which angered Toon boss Chris Hughton - at Aspers Casino until 5.45am before all going back to Nolan’s hom

Carl and the guard fell asleep as the players continued partying with the girls, one dressed provocatively in a black catsuit, in Nolan’s cinema room.

At around 7.15am, Carroll is said to have beckoned one lass upstairs. Fifteen minutes later, the girl in the catsuit joined them and the giant striker was heard yelling: “Ride me! Ride me!”

Nolan remained downstairs with the third girl. Cocaine was allegedly left by one girl on a cinema room table.

Needless to say, Nolan’s wife was away when they brought the girls back to the house. Both players deny any use or knowledge of any drugs being present however pictures obtained by the News of the World show coke in clear view.

I forgot to mention that Carroll was just fined and forced to pay compensation for a previous nightclub assault. Obviously there have been no repercussions as he has played in every match since the incident. There’s no way he’s getting benched as much as he’s been scoring on and off the pitch. Hopefully he’s wrapping that mess up. He doesn’t want to end up like Aston Villa’s Gabriel Agbonlahor.

You want to see things get real, MTV? Move Carroll in with Joey Barton and have cameras follow them everywhere. Guaranteed ratings.

This one goes out to Andy Carroll and all his catsuit wearing hoes:

UPDATE: Joey Barton accepted a 3-match ban for punching Morton Gamst Pedersen during a match on Wednesday. Why do you think he decided to act up again? Coincidence? I think not. He couldn’t have Carroll stealing his thunder. Declaring he’s not a role model? Come on, dawg. Now you’re getting desperate.

Real World: Newcastle needs to happen now. Add Kevin Nolan as the “straight man”. Sol Campbell can be the angry black roommate as well as the … um … do I even need to say it? Let’s just say he’ll take care of two normal Real World categories in one “shot”.

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