Predicting the Next Doomed Sports City
Hey, did you hear? Some guy named “Steve” pitches for the Washington club now and everyone loves him. In a few weeks, the Wizards will draft a point guard who may be the next Chris Paul. The District’s football team just got an All-Pro QB and the hockey team trots out the most exciting player in the NHL on a nightly basis. The world’s most popular fan (and erstwhile 90’s music video star?) lives a few blocks away from the arena and the stadium. It’s safe to say DC is no longer a sports-doomed city. So who will take their place?
Beantown has enjoyed a nice run in the last decade. Between the Celtics, Patriots and Red Sox, they’ve collected over 5 titles and multiple playoff appearances. However, storm clouds are forming: while the Red Sox are making a nice comeback from a slow start (hey, who predicted that?), they have a number of older players who are starting to show their age. The same can be said for the Celtics who are only still relevant because the alien life form that inhabits Rajon Rondo has saved them. The Patriots are clinging to their perch atop the AFC East after a playoff drubbing last season and a plethora of age and contract issues (Brady and Moss, for starters). The hockey team had a great season, but blew a 3-0 lead in the first round of the playoffs. This could be the worst bandwagon crash of all time – I see Faneuil Hall burning the mighty flames of pink “B” hats and Patriots hoodies by next fall. Odds: 15-1
A mediocre basketball team that’s been cursed by injuries, there is a significant faction of NBA people who believe Yao Ming’s days as an effective NBA player are over. The Texans have a nice team that finished 2009 with four straight wins, but Andre Johnson doesn’t seem interested in sticking around, Steve Slaton was benched, and Rookie of the
Year Brian Cushing was busted for steroids. And last time I checked, Peyton Manning was still in their division. Meanwhile, the Astros field a team replete with overpaid veterans and inept youngsters with no help on the way: their farm system is one of baseball’s worst. At this point, you’d have more fun at the rodeo. Odds: 6-1
Charlotte: Deceptive choice here, but if you dig a little deeper, it’s not good. First off, this guyowns your basketball team. Larry Brown is a great coach, but he’s not long for Charlotte or really anywhere else: he has more committment issues than George Clooney at a Hawaiian Tropic contest. The Carolina Hurricanes are a mediocre team that didn’t even make the playoffs, which is pretty bad considering in the NHL they give out 8 seeds like AT&T does your personal information (topical humor, zing!). The Charlotte-based Carolina Panthers have a lame-duck head coach and just lost Julius Peppers, their best defensive player. While Jake Delhomme and his overrated career are no longer on the team, they’re still paying him $7 million to throw interceptions in Cleveland. Oh, and Casey Claussen’s Hair is your new QB. Good luck with all that… Odds: 3-1
The baseball team has repeatedly underachieved since their playoff run in 2007. The football team lost a Hall of Fame quarterback and replaced him with a dude who drank more beers last weekend than has career touchdown passes. Everyone loves the Suns, but Steve Nash is 36 and their second best player just opted out of his contract. Oh, and the hockey team is bankrupt. Plus, they won’t even allow immigrants into their state. They’re screwed. Odds: Even
The good news? Well, you could always live in Kansas City or Cleveland.
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