Reading Between the Headlines

Sometimes I think sports are a lot like little kids; they always want attention, even if it makes them do something really stupid.  I know that consciously, professional football players would never purposefully sexually assault a young woman, throw a drink on her, or even carry a loaded gun to the airport.  But part of my subconscious wonders if they just can’t stand the fact that NCAA basketball and Major League Baseball are stealing all the attention so this is their way of getting it back.  Ok, I know that’s a stretch, but there has to be a reason to explain away this stupidity.  Oh wait, it’s called “Young Dummies with Money” syndrome or YDMS.  Did I just invent that?  Well, color me Bill freakin’ Simmons.  Now, a 20,000 word missive comparing the 2007 Patriots to some jackass on the Real World. 

Nah, we’ll just do headlines…  

• ESPN celebrated the launch of ESPN New York.

Also known as “ESPN.”  How was this even a challenge for them?  Did they just pay some guy to create a NYC skyline graphic and put it up?  And at what point will we get ESPN Des Moines?  And will I ever write another sentence that isn’t a rhetorical question?

• LaDainian Tomlinson attempted to blame his lack of production in San Diego on Norv Turner’s offensive scheme.

Now LT has something in common with Heath Shuler.  Not sure if that’s what he was looking for, though.  To borrow a phrase from Thomas Hobbes (is this a great sports blog, or what?), the life of a NFL running back is “nasty, brutish, and short.”  In 2008, LT carried the ball only 23 less times than in 2007 (his last great season) and had 364 fewer yards.  That’s a big drop-off.

• Denard Span hit a line drive that nailed his mother in the chest.

 

I’m happy that everyone is ok, but sorry Mom, that’s what you get for naming your kid, “Denard.”  It always amazes me that more people haven’t gotten hurt at baseball games.  This sounds like a job for ESPN Des Moines.

• ESPN had six of its basketball writers scrutinize the factors that may lead LeBron James to finding a new home this summer.

Hey, check me out!  I did the same thing!  Here’s my list of factors:

1. $

Let me double check the list, one more time, just to be sure:

1. $

 And I’mmmmmm spent.  ESPN, call me!

• Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested for carrying a loaded .45-caliber hand gun at a Cleveland Airport.

 I don’t understand the big deal — maybe he was there to shoot birds.  Has anyone asked him that?

• The University of Alabama will unveil a Nick Saban statue outside the school’s football stadium.

How do you convey “pompous” and “insane” into a statue?

• A Washington DC high school hired a female teacher as its new varsity head football coach.

And at a private school just outside of Houston, Roger Clemens applied to coach the women’s softball team.

• The final PECOTA projections were released for the 2010 baseball season.

And somewhere, VORPies gather to collectively mock the tsunami of enraged fans inhabiting the ESPN comment section   Hey guys, you’re getting angry at a math formula.  Isn’t that what 3^rd graders do? 

• Hulk Hogan was so depressed after his divorce that he took a bunch of pills and rum.

Lindsay Lohan is not impressed.  She calls those “Tuesdays.”

Boom. Roasted.

In any case, baseball season is here.  I cannot wait.

Tagged with: Alabama • Bill Simmons • Bron-Bron • ESPN • Hulk Hogan • Idiot Football Players • LT • MLB • NCAA • NCAA Tournament • NFL • Thomas Hobbes • YDMS

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