Michigan Fan Is Hot For Jim Tressel

Maybe it's the sweater vests that get it done for Michigan fan John McKay. He likes to stalk Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel wherever he goes under the guise of hating Ohio State.

''I have a history of denigrating Coach Tressel,'' McKay said. ''He cheats everywhere he goes, and he's holier than thou. And he's yet to beat an SEC team. I'm not impressed.''

There's no word on whether Tressel is considering a restraining order or showing McKay his version of the Dirty Horseshoe. For the record, McKay was born and raised in Georgia and went to Georgia for college.

In other Michigan news, Go Blue! has new uniforms and it's national news. The new jerseys include a quote from Bo Schembechler, "Because I couldn't go for three". Oh wait, that was Woody Hayes. Never mind.

Scott Linebrink Doesn't Trust Your Newfangled Medicine

Yao Ming isn't the only one resorting to traditional medicine in order to deal with injuries and ailments. White Sox reliever Scott Linebrink is cheating on the training room with acupuncture and Gua Sha.

"[Acupuncture] hasn't eliminated the migraines, but it has made them more manageable and less frequent," said Linebrink, who personally discovered the ancient Chinese remedy after his signing with the Sox.

"I'll tell you what, it relaxes me more than a massage," he said. "It's a total body thing. I tell [the acupuncturist] what's bothering me [so] he also does the back and shoulders.

Some of you may be unfamiliar with the practice of Gua Sha. It involves "[scraping] shoulder skin to take away stagnant blood and replace it with fresh blood".

"It's not very comfortable and … my back is black and blue," he said. "It looks terrible. The first time I came home my wife said, 'What in the world happened to you. It looks like you got flogged.'

... "If there's something that can speed along the [recovery] process, I'm for it."

Might want to be careful about that. Just ask Andy Pettite.

This Is Real

This is DZNUTS, a cream for your "junk" that was created for Tour De France cyclist Dave Zabriskie...and this ain't no steroid stuff its all natural goodness for your goods. Here's what Dave had to say about using proper protection when riding:

“Proper mainTAINTanance of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.”

That emphasis was his not ours. Just the thought of an infected saddle sore makes me whince in agony. I'm thinking Kaz Matsui could've used some of this before his problem became a PROBLEM or maybe not, I've never had the anal fissures myself, but really, could it have hurt? Protect your junk...use DZNUTS!

Get DZNUTS here

Adam Loewen tries to pull a Rick Ankiel. So cliché.

Best. Pictures. Ever.

Leopard taking down a crocodile. It doesn't get much better than this. This picture along with the others was taken at a South African game preserve by Hal Brindley, an American wildlife photographer. The leopard attacked the croc in the water and dragged it onto land where it finished the croc off by suffocating it. See the other pictures here.

How Bad Do You Want It?

How bad do you want to eat and drink all you want while watching minor league baseball? How much would you pay? What would you eat? How about a beetle?

The Madison Mallards held Beetle Eating Night on Thursday. Fans were received free access to the all you can eat and drink area of the stadium if they ate a dead beetle. The offer was only open to the first 250 fans who took up the challenge.

Beetle Eating Night is only the tip of the iceberg. Next Saturday, fans can meet William Hung and "stick around for some intense karaoke!". Hung is followed by the What You Talkin' Bout Tour on August 1 when Gary Coleman shows up "'Eighties' Night". The fun never stops in Madtown.

If you make it to Madison, send us a couple Plazaburgers. There's not much like a Plazaburger with a pint of Point Amber.


** We're not even touching that picture, you perverts.

Jordan Will Make Your Pants Wet

So, the ESPY's just happened and this is about the only interesting story that I could find that came out of the whole event. ESPY host Justin Timberlake recounted the story of his first meeting with Michael Jordan...and his pants got a little wet.

"When I was young... I wanted to be Michael Jordan. It was weird, I heard (Gary Wright song) Dreamweaver in my head when he walked in the room.

"He was like, `Hey man, my kids and I, we're big fans of your music,' and I was like, `That's cool...' Up until the point where he walked away and I realized I had peed a little."

Yea, Mr. Dick In The Box couldn't contain himself when he got near his idol, ole #23. I can sympathize though, when I met my idol, Lancelot Link Secret Chimp i shat my pants and flung it at him. In retaliation of course.

That's When It's Time To Kick Some Back

25
Created by OnePlusYou

Did you ever wonder how many five year olds you could take in a fight? Wonder no longer. The answer awaits you.

Not to be outdone by Rampage Jackson's multiple arrests in one week, DMX goes for number of arrests record.

Brian Westbrook Wants To Get Paid For You

This is a new one. Brian Westbrook wants more money from the Eagles. Who cares? Happens all the time. Right. However he doesn't want more money so he can buy more horses. He thinks he deserves it but he also wants to show all the kids out there that they too can get paid if they work hard.

Westbrook's ... point about his contract is that if the Eagles gave him an extension, it would provide incentive for his teammates.

"Players see you getting compensated and that makes them want to go bust their butt," Westbrook said. "Nobody is going to quit on this team, but if you know you're going to be compensated, you might give that little extra. That's natural."

I think Warrick Dunn might have some competition for the most selfless player in the NFL. Never mind pride, doing your job or free agency. Having a big money guy on your team is just the incentive you need to get out there and be somebody.

"If LaDainian [Tomlinson] got paid $25 million guaranteed in 2003 and now it's 2008, the next person needs to be paid $30 million guaranteed," Westbrook said. "It works its way up. You can't sit here and say, 'I'm as good as LaDainian right now, and I'm getting paid five years after him. . . . So I'll take $15 million.' That doesn't make any sense."

Yeeeeeeah.... Westbrook may be good but he's not quite that good. I don't know LaDanian Tomlinson but sir, you are no LT. However he is the Philadelphia offense. If the Eagles are smart, they'll make Westbrook happy. He may be 29 but he's pretty much all they have. Sorry, Donovan.

Did Money Mayweather Get Knocked The F**k Out?

When Media Takeout reports a story, you know you're going to need at least five more sources before you believe it. I couldn't find a second but I'll go with it anyway. The potential of it being true is too good to pass up. Who's the journalist?

MTO claims that Floyd Mayweather Jr. (aka Money - Language probably NSFW) was knocked out by former sparring partner Edner "Cherry Bomb" Cherry. We're not even going to touch that nickname. A dispute over back pay at a Las Vegas club escalated into a fight that resulted in Money being laid out.

I imagine the fight went down a little something like the following (except the roles were reversed):



If this story is true, Money better get back in the gym and fast. Everyone's going to take him on. I might think about stepping to him in a couple weeks if he's not careful. I'll probably cry after thinking about it but that don't mean I ain't no man.

Please, For The Love Of God, I Like V*gina: The Story Of Brady Quinn, Mike Piazza And Al Reynolds

Poor Brady Quinn. He just can't stop the rain of gay rumors. He certainly does himself no favors when he rocks it like this and this. He finally decided to fight back against The Others since he can't hold himself back.

TMZ has learned that a dating site has been using Brady's image for months in M4M ads.

A rep for the Cleveland Browns tells us Brady had no knowledge of the ad saying, "He was not involved in posting photos."

Brady's lawyer has already taken action and has sent a cease and desist letter to the website today, demanding all photos of him be removed ASAP.

Interesting denial by the Cleveland rep. Brady also claims that he's straight. We can't wait until he holds a press conference to announce his heterosexuality. That always works. Just ask Mike Piazza. Oh wait, what's that about him and Sam Champion? Never mind.

Maybe Brady should take some advice from Al Reynolds. An off the cuff presser isn't the move. You need to go with someone sympathetic like an off-brand entertainment reporter who probably hawks Colonblow on those infomercials you always see after getting home pissy drunk off of Henny and skunk at 4 AM.

If Brady really wants to prove he likes vagina, he should keep taking pictures of himself grabbing packages, leave his picture on the dating site and start answering ads directed to him. A couple dates wouldn't hurt. He might as well even give a couple handjobs just to show how secure he is in his heteronesses. All denials do is make people more suspicious. We don't want a suspicious Kellen Winslow. Our favorite soldier might crash his douche rocket again and no one wants that.

James Ingram Will Let The Macarena Pass Just Once

It's been a couple weeks since Spain won Euro 2008. Keeper Pepe Reina (Liverpool) is probably still waking up in the middle of the night yelling, screaming and scaring the shit out of little kids and old people.

The players and coaches weren't the only ones to get their party on. I don't know what airline the Spanish national team uses but American sports teams need to find an American equivalent. Here's video (via Who Ate All The Pies) of the flight attendants getting down for the team. Just skip to :22 for the PG.



I don't know if I can accept this or any Macarena. They just don't seem like they really mean it. In the words of Ice Cube, "I can do it, put your ass into it". We need a dirty, grimy, freak nasty strip club version. Then again can the Macarena ever be sexy? I just don't see it.

I do know one thing. These troopers put those mom shorts-wearing Southwest flight attendants to shame in spite of their half-ass Macarenain'.

Even Slaves Don't Want What Paris Hilton Is Selling

If you want to know what reparations can do, just follow Cristian Ronaldo. Slave du jour Ronaldo is a man about town. He keeps his pimp limp strong even when he's on crutches. He may an idiot and douchebag when it comes to handling his transfer to Real Madrid but even he's smart enough to avoid the walking STD that is Paris Hilton.

Ronaldo was accosted by Hilton at Villa on Wednesday night. He recently broke up with Nereida Gallardo whose pictures you couldn't have avoided if you tried over the past month. Lady Herpes made for him like Don Vito on an underage girl.

A source said: 'Paris was all over him. The moment he arrived, she went over to his private table.

'At one point, she pushed her chest together and made a point of trying to snuggle up against him.

'But Ronaldo clearly wasn't interested in Paris. He turned his back on her.'

What's your sign? Stop sign, muthafucka! I'm not sure what the soccer equivalent of the Heisman is called but this has to be it. He probably saw the flies hovering around her nether regions and recoiled in horror.

Maybe he's smarter than he lets on. Getting with Paris would definitely drop his transfer value. Who knows how many weeks he would spend out of action thanks to an STD cocktail that rivals a komodo dragon's saliva? Too bad Eric Djemba Djemba wasn't around to clean up the mess. He could use the money.

Sayonara Hideo Nomo

Turn off the lights. There will be no mo' Nomo for you.

Hideo Nomo is hanging it up after four years in Japan and 13 years in the majors over here. He was the Tony Batista of pitchers with his tornado delivery. At least he can say that he was better than The Fat Toad of New York.

R Kelly's Dog Runs Loose At Cricket Match

How cute. Maybe we should give the dog some credit. At least it's not pissing on underage girls.

The Bears Still Suck

Watch this brilliance as Paul Hornung owns Mike Ditka at Ditka's roast.



Hornung should have done the Lambeau Leap into the crowd or on top of Ditka after that performance.

Cardboard Tube Fighting Invades DC

You read that title right, Cardboard Tube Fighting. The Seattle Cardboard Tube Fighting League is coming to Washington DC on Saturday July 26th at 3pm on the National Mall. For the price of nothing (yea its free) you may participate in the cardboard tube fighting tournament. The information is here on their website if you want to join in and they recommend cardboard armor and/or costumes...and business suits for some reason.

If i was fighting, i'd fight in a business suit with cardboard armor on top i think. Thats gotta be cooler than what these guys are using. Although I do like the cardboard shield. That seems like it'd be cheating though.

This is a new low for made up sports and events...but it is brilliant in it's stupidity...if that makes sense. How do you not go to this and have fun? I'd love to whack the shit out of someone with a tube of cardboard and not get arrested for it.

From Tubeduel via Washington City Paper

Rampage Jackson Lives Up To His Name

Rampage Jackson was in an automobile accident yesterday, but he decided that staying and waiting for the cops wasn't worth his time, so he ran, in typical hit and run style. Also in typical hit and run style, the cops caught up with him and engaged him in a high speed chase. The problem Rampage had was that he wasn't exactly driving in the worlds most inconspicuous vehicle.
Yea...not the smartest move to make a getaway with a truck that has your photo plastered on it. Ya can't use the Shaggy defense (It wasn't me) on that one.

From TMZ

Is That Hulk Rock? Well Turn It Up

Season by season, Manchester United striker Carlos Tevez comes closer to looking like Lou Ferrigno's Incredible Hulk. Who knew Hulk sing?

The Sun caught Tevez singing on stage with the evil Bob Ross in Cordoba, Argentina. Evil Bob is going by the name of Juan Carlos Mona Jimenez.

You're probably wondering how Hulk sound on mic. Hulk sing for you.

A-Rod Gets Nothing And Probably Doesn't Like It

All-Star weekend can't end fast enough. I only made it until the 14th inning last night until I decided that sleep was more important and I realized that I didn't care who won. Nice to see Billy Wagner show consistency. Also good to see George Sherrill show up big for the O's though. Too bad the Yankees couldn't show up for A-Rod.

Page Six reports that none of A-Rod's Yankee teammates showed up for the party he was hosting at 40/40 on Monday night. Instead he was surrounded by Madonna's posse and a bunch of chickenhead groupies listening to Madonna songs. It turns out his teammates would rather hang out at home or with Mets than with him.

Sources tell the Post that A-Rod's obsession with manly women is becoming a distraction for the team.

"He's become a huge distraction with the Madonna fiasco," a source told Page Six. "It's always all about him."

Those chickenhead groupies and manly women must have warmed up at STK on Sunday. They took over the place en masse. I assume they were there waiting for Captain Morgan or the Chicago Blackhawks' Martin Havlat. Both were there in force. The former was also there in free liquid form.

The Deuce decided to make an appearance after an exhausting day at the free Breeders show in Brooklyn Sunday afternoon. The Breeders? Yes. Fat girls rocking hula hoops and string bikinis? No. Standing in the same place for five hours in the sun isn't the move either. However standing in the same place in air conditioning with an open bar is never a bad move. Famous last words.


The party itself was rather blah despite the best efforts of Captain Morgan to get the crowd hype. I just didn't believe he was that happy. I suspect he's really empty inside because he misses the sea and now has to shuck and jive for douchebags at the club. I think I'm mocking the Captain because I want to be Captain Morgan. I wanted to ask if I could sign up for duty but he was more interested in raising the roof and doing the running man.

The party was made slightly better by the David Ortiz making his run to the VIP and the efforts of girls to get past the rope man including one who tried to squeeze herself through a hole in a glass wall in an unsuccessful yet hilarious effort to get to Havlat. The number of athletes was probably equal to the number of Menounoses and Kieblers in the house.

The All-Star parade didn't get much better. Athletes waving from cars in 100 degree heat. I'd be more impressed if they rode on elephants and rhinos. Something to think about for next season.

Here are some parade shots taken of ex-players with mustaches by the Deuce's partner in crime who showed up strong All-Star Weekend.





Makes you wish you were getting swamp ass while watching the players roll by. Those of you interested in innuendo should know that Big Papi was still working Maria Menounos during the parade. Make of that what you will. Unfortunately their ride was too fast so you'll have to take our word for it.

The More You Know

Here's your lesson for the day. You don't get points for stupidity. Just ask this guy who didn't know when to stay down.

Tony Kornheiser's Head Finally Too Big

Tony Kornheiser was spotted in Rehoboth Beach last weekend and the locals didn't have much good to say about Mr. Tony's conduct while in town. He was at the Big Fish Grill and made no friends with his arrogance on full display for the servers at the seafood joint says this Delaware blogger:

While at the restaurant, Kornheiser didn't make too many friends, a source told me. After announcing that he was "too famous to he here," a staffer finally found him a corner table to keep him from, ahem, all his fans.

Once there, the type of crabs he wanted weren't on the menu (stop giggling) and he allegedly said, "I want what I want when I want it."

My source swore he said that, but I'd be surprised if anyone could be such an ass. Staffers had to go next door to the Big Fish Seafood Market to get Kornheiser his precious crabs.

This, sounds pretty standard for Mr. Tony and for those used to his shtick it might've even garnered a chuckle...if he weren't dead serious. I mean, if he was too famous to be there, why the hell was he even there? He could've gone to a number of restaurants in the area that could've better catered to Kornheiser's needs, but to throw a minor tantrum saying "I want what I want when I want it" and making them go to a market to get the food he wants is a bit much.

You stop writing, you stop doing talk radio, you're currently barely on the ESPN show that made you a minor national cultural phenomenon and now you're just being an ass for no reason while waiting for football season to start so you can suck more on TV? We all know you are a funny jerk in your public persona, but who knew you were just a jerk in general.

From Delaware Online via DCRTV

Worlds Largest Flip Cup Tournament To Hit NYC

Oh yes, it is time to get your drink on. A group called Flip Cup Guys is putting on a 64 team field of flip cuppers to have the largest official flip cup tournament in the US...or so they say. Some frat house somewhere has to have had something similar to this at some point in time right? Nevertheless, these guys have a website and are making it look quite official.

Its a $30 entry fee per player or $25 per spectator and that gives you all the beer you can drink. That, dear readers, is a cover price that I would pay any day of the week. If you're in NYC its being held at M1-5 Bar which is on 52 Walker Street between Broadway and Church St. and you best be loaded up with all sorts of B vitamins before, during and after to help lessen the inevitable hangover you're going to get from this event.

However, these guys do have some serious competition, there is a circuit called Major League Flip Cup which puts on the World Series of Flip Cup and these guys claim to be the "Official Governing Body Of All Things Flip Cup". Their World Series consisted of just 50 teams and the event occurred a couple months ago on May 3rd, 2008 at the Recher Theatre in Baltimore. Even though they are lacking the field of 64, these guys mean serious business, having regional tournaments across the nation and even teams from other countries.

Flip Cup guys seem to have a rival circuit. Could this be like the AFL and NFL? The AL and the NL? Could we be witnessing history in the world of sanctioned binge drinking? I might have to start up my own league and call it USA Flip-Cup and have a field of 80 teams. Bigger is better apparently.

If you forget how flip cup works, here's a demonstration:

Athletes Rejoice! Pre-Game Sex Doesn't Hinder In Game Performance

Those screams and yells you hear outside is not from the bum fight that might occurring in the alley outside your window right now, no, those are the collective hoots and hollers from athletes around the globe celebrating the release of this interview from Kansas University sports physician Sean Cupp who states that sex before a game doesn't hinder an athlete's in game performance. HELL YEA!

“Basically, the best way to continue positive performance outcomes would be to not change your pre-game ritual,” Cupp said.“The long-standing myth that athletes should practice abstinence before important competitions may stem from the theory that sexual frustration leads to increased aggression, and that the act of ejaculation draws testosterone from the body.”

Carl Inzerillo, a sports medicine specialist at Inzerillo Family Practice agrees:

“It seems to help because it relaxes you,” said “Number one, they get a good night’s sleep. Number two, it takes their mind off the competition. Number three, it increases testosterone.”

If you thought there was an epidemic of bastard athlete's children already then you'd better watch out now! Shawn Kemp, Evander Hollyfield and Derrick Thomas were ahead of their time. They knew what it took to be a top flight professional athlete. This is just what Kwame Brown needs to get over the hump I think. He'd better get to some sexin!

From Kansan.com

New Sport: "Naked Rock Climbing"

Well, I guess you will save a lot of cash by taking up this version of the already extreme sport of rock climbing. Nude rock climbing is supposedly the latest craze here in the states, but I'll be damned if I've heard about it before reading this article (might be NSFW since there are some arty nude shots) from the Daily Mail.

People who do this sort of climbing swear that it is the "true essence of the climbing spirit," whatever that means. One climber, Dean Feldman, was so inspired that he took this photo and a whole bunch of others and made a calendar called "Stone Nudes" (also might be NSFW for some arty nude shots) which you can pick up on his site there, showing that this new extreme sport is already primed for capitalism to exploit it to its fullest. I mean, who doesn't love naked women on rocks right? I know I just bought two, one for the wall and the other for...personal use. Yea, that's right.

Sure you can save a lot of cash on climbing equipment but has got to be offset in a big way with the medical bills. I mean no ropes or hooks or knee pads or anything to prevent the bumps and bruises and um...FALLING DOWN to the ground to your death? Yea, sounds like an awesome way to spend the afternoon.

From Daily Mail UK

This Is The Most Powerful Weapon of All

This is Curt Schilling's bloody sock from Game 2 of the 2004 World Series and it is the most powerful weapon in the universe...in Curt Schilling's video game world he is creating. We've all known for awhile that Schilling has been busy working with his company 38 studios (formerly Green Monster Games) on a new MMORPG that was supposed to be like the Everquest world that he loves so much and now it has a name, Copernicus, and the sock is apparently the biggest baddest weapon you can get in the game.

Not much else is known about this game, other than Todd McFarlane of Spawn and McFarlane Toys fame is the art director and sci-fi writer R. A. Salvatore is the creative director and it's due to be released sometime in 2010. Here's a video that goes into a bit more of Schilling's want to achieve "World Domination Through Gaming".

I dunno, sure it's neat that an ex athlete has a unique, albeit nerdy, career goal after sports...but would it not have been a lot cooler if the guy made a game that was about sports? Like any dork playing his fantasy game will have any idea what this sock is all about in the first place.

From Game Pro

I Award You No Points And May God Have Mercy On Your Soul

Don't you love seeing the mascot jump in the pile when athletes are celebrating a major win or title? They never get any love even though they hyped up the 11th man for the whole season. You'd think a team would throw the mascot some groupie scraps like the girl with a second head or missing several fingers and toes but nope. Mascots get nothing and like it.

All glory be to failblog.org. After watching this video, you'll gain a better understanding of why athletes want nothing to do with mascots. No one wants to catch the suck. Maybe Shaun Livingston messed with Clippers mascot Brevin Knight and got the horns.



It would be wrong not to acknowledge Clutch's attempt to salvage what little dignity a person in a mascot outfit can have left at the end.

Constitutional Vol. "Half-Arse"

Usually Chimp handles the Constitutional and keeps it blog heavy. However I didn't get a chance to hit everything I wanted this morning so here are some links. I promise Chimp will be back with a legit, blog-lovin' Constitutional next week.

Barcelona/Argentina winger Lionel Messi is dating Argentina's 2006 World Cup mascot and she could very well be a he. (Probably NSFW - The essentials are covered up but not by much)

Mmmm statutory crepe. Different area code rule goes for statutory rape and possession of kiddie porn? If you're a diplomat, it do.

Jason Whitlock throws Sunday Night Football under the bus. Does that qualify as bus-on-bus crime? He's right however I'm not so sure about the "interest" reason. We might dig a little deeper into this over the weekend or more likely on Monday.

Spare some change for Chris Henry?

Hopefully there are double knockouts in every fight.

Kwame Brown Has Something On Somebody

If the NBA was run like a fantasy league, both trades involving Kwame Brown would have been vetoed by every team in the league and the person who owned him would be subjected to a Zimbabwe level of abuse for attempting such a thing. However this is real life and apparently anything like lopsided Kwame Brown trades fly in the NBA.

The Miami Herald reports that the Heat could be interested in acquiring Brown as a free agent. They could offer him a bucket of shrimp that's been sitting on Collins Ave for three weeks but they would probably have better luck offering him some French dressing.

Brown must have pictures of Pat Riley in a compromising position. Why else would the Heat be interested in signing him? Agent Mark Bertelstein claims to have talked to the Heat about Brown (who is his client) as well as Jannero Pargo and Roger Mason who recently signed with the Spurs. Maybe Brown is being offered as part of a package deal for Pargo. Maybe the Heat could have sign Brown just so he can get with Star Jones. It's probably easier for Dwyane Wade to refocus and get back to being good if her crab ass isn't around. I'm going with that theory.

Bleeding from the ass? That's a scandal. He should have stopped at 14 "beatings from the cane".

The Czechs Have Lost Their Damn Minds

The Czechs could be taking their early and sudden elimination from Euro 2008 a bit hard. They've resorted to jumping from rocks. High rocks.

Czechs and other climbing enthusiasts have taken to rock jumping since simply climbing them is old and busted. The sport started from attempts to climb as many rocks as possible. The easiest way to do this is to jump from rock to rock with a rope attached to the waist. It seems simple enough if you make it. However if you don't make it, you fall back into the wall of the base tower. That often ends up broken bones and damaged spines.

The New York Times has video on the linked page which includes a quality fail and the resulting smack into the base tower. The other thing we learn from the video is that jumpers like to drink before they jump. Homemade anesthesia probably doesn't help when your spine is slammed into a rock. I'll give it a try this afternoon and let you know how it goes.

What?? Hallelujah!! Morris Day and the Time are getting back together.

Bill Cosby Says Fail, Tony Zendejas

Really, dude? Former kicker Tony Zendejas was arrested and charged with "one count each of rape by use of drugs, rape of an unconscious person, sodomy by anesthesia or controlled substance and sodomy of an unconscious victim" after a customer of his sports bar was allegedly raped.

Zendejas is still in custody after not posting bail. No Jello Pudding Pops for him.

Vindication for Vindication, the son of Seattle Slew. Oh wait, Vindication was executed.

Just Call Cristiano Ronaldo Toby

The absurdity of the Cristiano Ronaldo saga has reached an all-time low. The constant back and forth between Manchester United and Real Madrid had been tiresome for some time and then FIFA president Sepp Blatter decided to stick his nose into the drama. He accused United of treating Ronaldo like Kunta Kinte. When Ronaldo was informed of Blatter's comments, he had no problem agreeing with them.

'I agree with what he said. It's true. I agree with the president of FIFA. I know what I want and what I would like.

'We have to see what happens.

'What the president of FIFA said is correct. At the moment I don't say anything more. 'I don't know whether or not there is slavery in football. I don't say anything.'

Ronaldo shouldn't complain. He's definitely in the house considering he makes £120,000 a week. Talk to the players in the field like Wes Brown who only makes £50,000 a week. Who will give them free?

Teams are stupid enough to pay players absurd salaries and wonder why they become such spoiled prima donnas. Ronaldo is in the first year of a five-year contract and is trying to force his way out of Old Trafford.

Asked if he wished to go to Real Madrid, he said: 'At the moment I can't say any more. You know what I said and what I want.

'At the moment we're going to see what happens.'

The sad thing about it is that he might get his wish. As much as I would love to see the back of him, it would be wise of United to make an example of him and keep him at the club as long as possible even if it means letting him rot in the reserves. There has to be some loyalty considering the way the team protected him after his World Cup theatrics. There has to be some order considering he just signed a new contract. One has to wonder whether there's any point to contracts in sports.

You Be The Judge

Is this that offensive? I certainly don't think so.

From Imran Anwar's "My Humble Opinion"

Who Wins: Batmobile vs Toyota F1 Racer

Its just more free advertising for the movie and while it is cool to see a few of Batman's vehicles in action...the Batmobile isn't all that impressive in its "race" with the F1. The F1 pretty much blows it away and has to slow to a crawl to make it look competitive. The rest of the film is just a bunch of drivers mugging for the camera with the car. Meh...11 days til training camp

The Oklahoma City Thundercats Are Loose

Fans of the team formerly known as the Seattle Supersonics must be going through the different stages of grief. All other NBA fans are going to wet themselves if the rumors about the Oklahoma City team are true.

Monica Guzman of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reports (via Yahoo Answers) that the Oklahoma City team might be named the Thundercats. Oh sweet baby Jesus, let this be true. Screw my previous loyalties. There's no way I can't back a team named after the Thundercats. Of course, the mascot will end up being a giant Snarf. If they're smart and mean business, the mascot will be PummRa. He should have run the show instead of MummRa. They would have conquered Third Earth in a week. You can't have a boss who spends most of his time in a mummy case and occasionally pops out to order people around while getting his ass handed to him Monday through Friday.

The Thundercats sent Chimp and I off on a tangent about 80s cartoons. We both spent way too much time watching cartoons during the 80s. This is also the dead period before training camp and everyone's fighting for blogging scraps so we decided to take a trip down memory lane and look back at some of the best and worst the decade had to offer in cartoon theme songs.


1. Thundercats



You can't tell me this didn't hype you up as a kid and make you wish you were Lion-O. For such a sweet opening, Lion-O was kind of a bitch. How many times did the other Thundercats have to save him? Can you really respect yourself if you have to rely on Snarf to get your ass out of a jam? I think not. Panthro (clearly the black Thundercat) would have wrecked shop. Apparently Third Earth wasn't ready to say "Yes We Can".


2. Silverhawks



I think this was made by the creators of the Thundercats. Great cartoon but wack theme song. They must have blown their load the first time around because this intro is garbage. "Silverhawks are rainbows in the night"? Really, dude? I always had a funny feeling when I watched the Silverhawks. I didn't know why until now. I became hot for guitarists who fly through rainbows. That crap belongs on a cartoon like Jem.


3. Jem



Of course we didn't watch Jem. Not that there's anything wrong...Yes there is. What's truly outrageous is the fact that I know this damn theme song because it was on when I was watching other cartoons and I couldn't turn away from her sweet ass. Is it wrong to admit that I thought Jem was hot? I'd still hit that. Bet she's a MILF now. I bet I could get with all the Misfits at the same time. They definitely have some freak nasty about them with all that tribal shit on their faces. One of them would definitely let me put it in...


4. Voltron



No. I don't want to put it in a robot. It might be tougher to get with the princess because of all the security and the other douches on the Voltron Force would probably cockblock with Voltron. This theme song isn't noteworthy on its own but it's here because Voltron was the shit. We're talking lions here. Fuck the off-brand Car Voltron.


5. GI Joe



This theme song is straight up awful. It sounds like it was written and sung by some West Point glee club. What's up with no one ever dying on the show. They had to make a movie just to kill Duke? Screw those parachuting cobra agents. Boo.


6. Mr. T



This could be one of my all-time favorites. You even had the smooth 80s sax used on 80s live action tv shows. Maybe I wouldn't feel the same if it was called Mr. Keaton but I don't have to worry about that. What the hell did Mr. T know about gymnastics? I'm guessing nothing but that's cool. I'd let him run a nuclear sub.


7. Captain Planet



Fuck Captain Planet. I hated this theme song and this cartoon. Trying to force multiculturalism and environmentalism on me when I just want to be entertained. Of course the Asian controls the water. How come they never had a seal clubbing or whale harpooning episode? You know she was all about that. I always wanted to punch Captain Planet. Chimp polluted more and lit Smokey the Bear on fire because of him. I would have punched that crying Indian if I had the chance.


8. Alvin and the Chipmunks



I'm going to go ahead and punch myself in the balls for admitting I watched the Chipmunks. I couldn't get enough of this theme song and the cartoon. I blame my parents for letting me watch it unsupervised.


9. The Snorks



"If you had friends underwater, who would you know?" What the hell does even mean? I could only hang with the Snorks for so long past the theme song. Watching All-Star hang around that hot Snork piece Casey and not snork her was way too snorkin' frustrating.


10. M.A.S.K.



Not the kid who looked better than Cher in Mask. The cartoon. Matt Trakker. The two KK's meant he was bad ass or they stood for the Kollege Klub in Madison, WI which might as well have added the last K unless you played football. This was probably in my top three cartoon theme songs during the 80s. I actually had most of these toys but of course they ended up breaking. I blamed Bruce Sato. Sato, you are not covered.


11. Pole Position



You have to give Atari credit for this cheap marketing ploy. Average cartoon. Solid theme song. Hell yeah I wanted to play me some Pole Position after this. I made a point of letting my parents know by singing this catchy song in their face. They finally broke and bought us a Sega Master System years later. Who else had that? That's right. No one.

That Strange Sensation You'll Be Feeling In the Seat Of Your Pants Will Be My Boot In Your A*s

Gene Hackman is officially on board as Chelsea manager. Go Bama! Roll Tide!

Newcastle United Hates Your Freedom

Where's the laugh track when you need it? Everyone's favorite family after the Cosbys and Seavers might be interested in buying Newcastle United.

Rumors are floating around that the Bin Laden family is interested in buying Newcastle United from current owner Mike Ashley. A Newcastle spokesman called the rumors "absolute nonsense". What better way is there to differentiate yourself from your Arsenal-loving terrorist spawn than buying a second rate team with delusions of grandeur and no chance of success?

Dwyane Wade: Solid As A Rock

We recently noted that Dwyane Wade and Britney Spears are dangerously close to living parallel lives. They both seemed to be headed in a downward direction. Little did we know he was extending his business interests overseas. Things are definitely on the up and up.

Wade is going to do more than play basketball in China this summer. He's also going to help the Chinese get their hard on. Black Sports Online found this Chinese ad for sexual enhancement pills. You might notice Wade in the corner giving his best fuck face.

Wade's representatives say he did not give permission for his image to be used. There's nothing to be ashamed of here. The Chinese need all the pleasure they can get after this summer's early unpleasantness. Ramming speed! Sueper sex indeed!

Look Out, Don Francisco

Spain backup keeper Pepe Reina desperately needs his own variety show. Here he is moving the crowd like Rakim at Spain's celebration after winning the Euro. Be afraid, Don. Be very afraid.

The BBC asked readers to come up with their own mascot designs for the London Olympics. Lazy bastards.

The Height Of Arrogance

Does President Bush think the Chinese are that stupid? He's already trying to get another one over on Congress. He's getting cockier by the day. This is how Sammy Sosa trades happen.

Bush "lifted restrictions to allow firearms to be shipped to China for U.S. athletes competing in shooting events at the Olympic Games". He's also "allowing mobile high-definition television cameras embedded with military-grade gyroscopes to [go to] China for use by American filming crews'. He must think the Chinese have never bootlegged any Bond movies.



This plan is foolproof. Who knows what he's after. I'm guessing a secret egg salad recipe, da mystery of chessboxin' or killer pandas with bees in their mouths.

Give Me Half, Mr. F**k You Man

This isn't sports-related but you should probably know about this before someone tells you while you're doing something important. Eddie Murphy could be quitting the movies and getting back into standup ... if you believe the bloggers. No way he comes close to Delirious or Raw after all this time away from the game. Just don't. You've done enough damage already.

Pacman Jones Has Nothing On Joey Barton

What's there to say about Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton? He's currently serving a six-month sentence for an assault outside of a Liverpool McDonalds. I don't think his victim was lovin' it.



If you lost count, Barton punched the guy 20 times. This wasn't his first run-in with the law. We detailed his rap sheet last year when news broke of his beatdown of former Manchester City teammate Ousmane Dabo. He changed his plea and admitted assaulting Dabo in court yesterday.

Barton and Dabo confronted each other after a row during a training match, the court was told.

Dabo, 31, was said to have felt intimidated that Barton had invaded his personal space as he shouted and swore at him.

The Frenchman pushed his shoulder with both hands and Barton retaliated by punching him in the head, causing the Frenchman to fall over and lose consciousness.

Mr Vardon said several witnesses said Barton continued to punch Dabo while he lay on top of the player, who was in a dazed state.

One player, Georgios Samaras, said he had never seen such a violent incident on a training pitch in all his career, the prosecutor added.

Barton will be sentenced today. Hopefully he'll rot in a cell with his degenerate brother who's serving a 17-year sentence for participating in an ax murder. Not that I feel strongly about it or anything.

World Series of Poker: THE MUSICAL

The well has officially run dry for new ideas for musical theater when someone has come up with a musical about a poker tournament as a legitimate idea for a Las Vegas production. All In: The Poker Musical is a play about 9 people at the final table of the World Series of poker who come from all walks of life and "sing songs that are chock full with double entendres, poker analogies, quotes, lingo, and suggestive situations that also apply to the game of life and the cards we are all dealt." Man, this sounds like a blast, huh?

The show was created by Tim Molyneux with help from the poker brat Phil Hellmuth who had this to say about the show:

"Through the lyrics of the songs and style of music, we see not only who these final nine players are, but we are able to see ourselves, our families, and our world," said Phil Hellmuth.

Right...man that makes me really want to see this. Does this mean that SUPER BOWL: The MUSICAL is like right around the corner? What depraved soul would want to see a musical about people playing cards? The only thing that is somewhat intriguing about it is that it might be MORE interesting to watch people playing cards if there is a whole bunch of singing and dancing going on...might...very very very strong emphasis on the word MIGHT there. Let's not forget that.

Tickets are $30-$50 and you can see it starting July 4th at the Rio. If you do, I want a full review. I'll give you a free DVD which won't offset the cost of the tix or the loss of a piece of your soul, but at least you can watch Tony Hawk do some crazy ass tricks. It has to be at least a couple words and cannot be "THIS PLAY SUCKS" over and over, I already know that is true.

Oh, and yes, I know this post has nothing to do with Jennifer Tilly's melons...but who wouldn't want to go all in there huh? I mean, am I right or am I right?

Do Not Mess With Wynn Las Vegas

This is what happens when you mess with Wynn Las Vegas.

Sir Charles learned his lesson about messing with Wynn when he was hit with a $400,000 bill. Next on the Wynn hitlist: Zo.

The Miami Heat center's charity and NBA Entertainment were slapped with a lawsuit by Wynn Las Vegas for "[failing] to pay a $50,000 bill for convention and meeting space and related services used during the 2007 NBA All-Star weekend".

What is it with these old ass ballers and not paying bills? They're starting to turn into Hollywood types who think they should get comped everywhere they go. Screwing over casinos doesn't seem to be a good idea. The man only has one kidney and I'm sure Wynn will be fine relieving him of it if he doesn't pay up.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: "Dam Jump"

It should be pretty obvious to anyone at the bottom of this dam that one should not ever, under any circumstance, jump from the top of this dam. This kid might be the biggest fool ever and he deserved to die from this, but somehow he didn't. His stupidity will live on to breed into even more stupid versions of himself that hopefully will succeed in killing themselves along with their father in an even more moronic stunt than this.

Even when the French fight, they still can't get it right.

A Moment Of Silence Please...

Former Steelers RB Najeh Davenport shitting out a trail of Cleveland Browns.

It wouldn't be right if we didn't note the release of our namesake Najeh Trenadious Monte Davenport. He's our guiding light. He's our everything. To us, Najeh is more than a shit joke. Well, that's not true. He's mostly a shit joke but he's also a quite capable backup. Chimp and I as well as the women of Barry University thank him as well as the inspirational power of Strongbow for helping us become who we are today. The Deuce wholeheartedly endorses him to any NFL team looking for consistent, regular leadership and occasional on-field play.

Amputated feet, decapitations. What the fuck is going on at Six Flags, Dan Snyder?

Don't Break It Down, Andy Cole

Ay Dios mio. We just stumbled across this...this...abortion dropped by former Manchester United star Andy Cole in 1999. It's his debut and hopefully last music single called Outstanding. Hopefully, that's supposed to be ironic. This stinks so bad it could "knock a buzzard off a crap wagon from 100 yards".



Outstanding didn't even break the UK Top 40. Hopefully Sir Alex gave him the hairdryer treatment for making others suffer through this.

This video got me wondering what other footballers got their music on and whether they fared better than Andy Cole. I managed to pull some "old and busted" together for you. Thank me later.

First up is Diamond Lights by Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle from 1987. Glenn Hoddle will always have a special place in my heart. I can't remember if it's for starting the Chelsea evolution from also-rans to contenders or his views on the disabled.



Diamond Lights charted at No. 12 on the UK charts. "Not a bad song. Not a good song either." You have to love Hoddle forgetting to lip sync at 2:42.

The next entry is the English Super Bowl Shuffle known as the Anfield Rap. Liverpool recorded this before the 1988 FA Cup Final. I have no idea why teams don't record FA Cup Final songs anymore. The songs were always shit but good for a laugh especially when you hated the team.



Geordie boys do anything including "suck sickly sausage rolls" according to Gazza. Paul Gascoigne recorded Fog on the Tyne with Lindsfarne. I certainly don't want to make fun of alcoholism but maybe seeing this had something to do with his incredible decline from being the future of English football to the sad mess he is today.



Who Ate All The Pies lets you compare the original to the Gazzafied version. We have to agree that the Gazza version is actually miles ahead of the original.

Here's another Geordie offering from Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan. Doubt he'll ever sing this to Dennis Wise.

Think Alan Shearer's going to let Gazza and Keegan take all the glory. Hell no. Here's the former Newcastle captain singing an emotionless All Night Long. I think Lionel Richie's job is safe. Yeah jambo jambo!!



Los Angeles Galaxy GM Alexi Lalas is more of an acoustic kind of guy. Here he sings Goodnight Moon. I wonder if this was part of his sales pitch to Goldenballs.



I'll close this post out on a high note with Fulham midfielder Clint "Deuce" Dempsey who happens to be my favorite US player not just because he shares a name with this blog. You might remember his most recent offering on Setanta. Here's Don't Tread with Big Hawk. America, fuck yeah.



If these aren't enough for you, enjoy the musical stylings of Ruud Gullit, Terry Venables (that's El Tel to you) and Blackburn's Morten Gamst Pedersen.


** I just came across this Who Ate All The Pies post listing the top 10 rapping footballers. Enjoy.

No Way This Goes Wrong

"My eyes! The goggles, they do nothing!" Live birds as mascots? That's a brilliant idea.

The front office geniuses at M&T Stadium think it's a good idea for the Baltimore Ravens to use live ravens as mascots at games. The birds are being trained to fly out ahead of the team as they run onto the field before games. They're also being trained how to say "Hello, how are you?", "touchdown" and "Go Ravens". No word on whether they're also being taught how to say "I didn't do it" or "Multiply that bitch up".

[Ravens Vice President for Marketing Gabrielle] Dow said she hopes the bird - or birds - will fly around the bowl of the stadium. She has plans to have the ravens meet fans at the Ravens Walk outside the stadium. As for risk to fans once the birds are in the air, Blocher said there is "none whatsoever" because of training methods Walthers has used.

Any chance she'll regret saying there's no risk to fans? I'll consider the experiment a success if the ravens start dive bombing Steelers, Bengals and Browns fans and dancing with Ray Lewis as he runs out of the tunnel.

Treasury secretary takes five week vacation ... to care for wombats.

Nobody F**ks With The Ally

You might fool the fucks on the ATP, but you don't fool Ally. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man! Hah hah! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Thursday instead. Wooo! You got a date Thursday, baby!

You have to give it up for Ally Kudryavtseva. She does not mess around when it comes to people she doesn't like. She worked Maria Sharapova like a rented mule yesterday beating her 6-2 6-4 and knocking her out of Wimbledon. After she beat Sharapova on the court, she finished her off by calling her out.

"It's very pleasant to beat Maria. Why? Well, I don't like her outfit. Can I put it this way? It's a little too much of everything. It was one of the motivations to beat her.''

"If I'm not afraid to go play her and she's world No.3, I'm not afraid she's going to catch me in the dressing room and say, 'You know what, you said you don't like my outfit. You were wrong'. I will say, 'Sorry. That's just my opinion'.''

It's a well known fact that Sharapova is not well liked (meaning not at all) by her Russian teammates. The girls are going to have a great time rooming together in Beijing. There's a chance she could become shell-shocked like David Carr if she keeps getting beat down Brand Nubian style. She's probably better off hiding out in Bradenton until everyone's gone.

Cohagen, give dees monkeys their rights!

It's Ten O'Clock. Do You Know Where Olympic Games Is?

Something must have been lost in translation. Most parents who name their children after famous athletes generally stick to the first name of the respective athlete unlike those assclowns who named their kid ESPN. Who knows how many little Todds or Akilis are scampering around out there?

The Chinese are taking things to another level by naming their children after sporting events. More and more Chinese babies are being named Aoyun which means Olympic Games. "Super Bowl, where's your brother UEFA Cup? Tell World Series of Poker to get his ass in here too!" Doesn't really work.

One Shining Moment For The Everyman

Some college students have their one shining moment on television or during graduation. Others have theirs under more pedestrian circumstances such as on a beer run on the Illinois-Wisconsin border.

There wasn't much like going to our local college liquor store and finding beer for $6 to $7 a case. There were the legends such as Kingsbury, Huber Bock and Rhinelander (which was as refreshing as Wisconsin's North Woods). There were also losers like the indigestible Sterling. Every once in a while, we would find the random case(s) of some unknown microbrew** such as Brau Meister ... That's right. Brau Meister. Definitely dodgier than Meister Brau. We asked where it came from and the employees had no idea. "They brought it so we're selling it". That would have been it for most thinking people. Fortunately we didn't have that hangup. We were the ones that ignored the Mr. Yuk stickers as kids.

We bought every case they had once we saw Brau Meister was $5 for a case of 24 bottles and drove back to Wisconsin thinking we hit the jackpot. Was it too good to be true? You betcha. Most of the beers had the consistency of quicksand. The silt in each bottle could have beached a small vessel or pilot whale. Did that stop us from drinking it? Of course it didn't.

Why the hell do I reminisce about those times as though they were the salad days? I guess they were in some ways but we only drank that crap because it was all we could afford most times besides the $.99 40oz of Laser. We could also make dorm furniture out of the empty cases. So we had that going for us which was nice.


You're probably wondering why the hell I just took you on that pointless trip down my memory lane. I don't know but what I do know is that a Wisconsin macrobrew is rising from the ashes. Pabst Brewing Co. is bringing back the original Schlitz. This is like going from the new Coke formula back to the original. Actually it's probably more like going from cat piss to monkey piss. OG Schlitz is only in limited release in the Milwaukee area. Hopefully it will open nationally for all the starving high school and college kids so they can live the dream.


** You can't imagine how lightly I use that term.

Giddyup! Diego Maradona Loves Horses

World famous footballer Diego Maradona has finally professed his love for something other than food or Colombian marching powder. He loves him some Julia Roberts. He loves her so much that he would cut off the infamous "Hand of God".

"I would do anything to see her coming along here, along the Croisette," he said, through a translator.

"I'd like to be able to walk along behind her and I'd be able to cut off my hand for that, even the hand with which I scored against England."

"I'd be able to cut off my hand if I could see Julia Roberts," he said.

Now that's dedication. PETA could use a spokesman like Maradona against people like J-Lo, Fur Ho and the seal clubbers of the world.



He makes about as much sense as a sober Pam Anderson and probably costs a dime sack and 20 pounds of chorizo. That's much less than an A-List celeb.

Joey Touchdown Finally Gets His Due

After years of sweat and perseverance, Joey Harrington has finally reached the top. Pro-Football-Reference.com has named him the worst quarterback in NFL history.

Chase Stuart twists the knife:

...No QB has performed so far below the league average for so long as Joey Harrington. To be clear, Joey Harrington probably isn’t the worst quarterback of all time in an absolute sense. But in terms of being so far below average, but far enough above miserable to earn more playing time, Joey Harrington hurt his team more than any other QB in NFL history. If Harrington had been worse, he would have played less, and he wouldn’t have set back the teams he played on. To put it another way, if you had the choice of getting Joey Harrington for 2,538 attempts, or Roger Goodell for 9 attempts you would certainly choose Goodell. At least after he’s gone, your team has a chance.

The Chick-fil-A tomahawk chopping cow should give Joey a 21-chop salute at the Braves' next home game.

We Can Wait For The Petr Cech Version

Ouch...

I demand a Ronaldo Tiny Tears: Deluxe World Cup Set

You know you love Rock and Roll (Part 2). You sing along with it at every sporting event. I was always partial to the obscene Maryland basketball version which I can't find. This will have to do.



Check it. We have great news for you. The pedophile you love to rock with is close to being released from the Hanoi Hilton and is looking to make a musical comeback. Maybe he and R Kelly can do a benefit record for the kids.

Breakin' The Law, Breakin' The Law

Shawn Chacon is a man of solutions. When faced with a problem, he doesn't cry about it like Milton Bradley. He does something about it. Step to him wrong? That's a chokeout.

Chacon was suspended indefinitely for grabbing Astros GM Ed Wade by the throat and throwing him on the ground. The rumble was allegedly over his demotion to the bullpen.

"I said, 'What do you want to speak to me about?' " Chacon said. "He said, 'We just want to talk to you.' I said, 'Anything you can say, you can say to me right here. I don't want to go to the office.' He looked at me, and I said, 'There's nothing for me to say to you guys.' And I don't think whatever they had to say to me they were going to make me happy. I didn't want to get in a closed-room conversation."

"I sat down to eat, and Ed Wade came to me and very sternly said, 'You need to come with me to the office.' I said, 'For what? I don't want to go to the office with you and Cooper.' And I said, 'You can tell me whatever you've got to tell me right here.' He's like, 'Oh, you want me to tell you right here?' And I said, 'Yeah.' I'm not yelling. I'm calm."

"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon said of Wade. "I'm sitting there, and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling at me. Then I stood up and said, 'You better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling and stuff and was like, 'You need to (expletive) look in the mirror.' So at that point I lost my cool, and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him, because at that point I wanted to beat his (behind). Words were exchanged."

Astros owner Drayton McLane told the team that Chacon won't pitch for the Astros again.

"If you shoved a policeman down or any other public servant ... can you imagine shoving a principal in a school? It was in full view of several players. Players pulled Chacon and restrained him. There's absolutely no way..."

Since when are baseball GMs public servants? Mets fans are probably wishing Chacon played for them. There's really no excuse for a physical attack under these circumstances unless physically provoked. However if things went down as described by Chacon and Wade did get in his face, we're not saying he should have choked him but we understand. We know Spree feels us.

Five 80s "Sports" Toys That Didn't Kill You, Just Made You Stronger

Sometimes when I'm at work, and bored out of my ever lovin' mind, I reminisce about the fun that I used to have as a child...and how on earth I ever survived. I'm gonna take a look back at the "action" toys of the 80s, designed to get all you kids out of the house and playing outside, not inside turning into zombies with those nintendos and ataris that we had...or if you couldnt get out of the house, at least to give you some calorie burning activity while you're inside. Here are some toys that didn't kill you, just made you stronger.


Pogo-Ball

This was a genius device. It was an oddly shaped "ball" in name only with a rim around it that you stood on, locked your feet around the orb up top, and attempted to bounce all over town with. This was all good in theory but practically impossible to do for a growing kid. This thing had to be the cause of all sorts of fractured wrists and knee injuries, especially if you blew it up as much as you possibly could. One bad angle of bounce would send your ass tumbling to the ground, which was inevitably concrete or asphalt because this sucker would bounce way better on that than say, grass. I never got down more than 3 or 4 bounces on this sucker before I got tossed off, probably because my dad overinflated the sucker, yet I kept trying and trying.
Sit n Spin

The only purpose of this thing is to spin yourself so dizzy that when you try to stand up you collapse immediately to the floor and vomit. Its like concussion symptoms without the actual brain damage! Its like what daddy feels like when he comes home at 3am smelling like a bottle of Wild Turkey! FUN FOR ALL AGES!!


Big Wheels

One of my favorite toys of all time. So much so, that I really wish I could be riding my own, adult sized, big wheel as I type this. The only problem with these vehicles are that you cant go all that fast on these...except when you go down hill and lift up your feet, but yea, that's not totally safe, as I found out as a kid and I have the scars to prove it. Also of fun was that when you got up to a fast enough speed, you could pull the hand break and skid your big wheel out...or flip it over if you are going fast enough and skid out hard enough. That was fun too. I also liked that the solid tires were great to sharpen sticks to a fine tip when you turn the big wheel upside down. I was a stabby child.

Entertech Water Guns

Ok, so maybe these did help kill some people. The water guns themselves didn't actually kill anyone however, but a few cops did kill some people because the geniuses at Entertech made these battery operated water guns look as realistic as possible...confusing many a law enforcement officer apparently much to the chagrin of quite a few parents. The guns themselves kinda sucked though, once your battery was drained, which was quick, you were left with nothing but a realistic looking useless water gun. What a troublesome piece of crap.

Huffy Bikes

I dunno about your bike when you were a kid, but mine had no actual brakes on it. The brakes were you peddling backwards which then locked the wheels sending you skidding to a stop...sometimes a violent stop, especially if you had no idea how to swerve your bike into a nice steady skid or if you clamped down on those brakes too hard sending yourself flying off or over the bike. Also, we didnt have those fancy helmets kids wear these days either. Apparently head injuries weren't of major concern back in the day...um what was I talking about again?

Got anything else? Leave it in the comments...

Knight Rider Coming To A Car Near You

In the "Why Didn't Someone Think Of This Already?" file, someone has made a GPS unit that sounds like KITT, Michael Knight's car in Knight Rider. In the immortal words of the Guinness beer commercials, "BRILLIANT!" So yea, the Knight Rider GPS by Mio will give you voice directions by the famous William Daniels, the voice of KITT and this should have been around a long long time ago. Who knows how good the actual GPS unit will be, the coolness factor surely will make up for its shortcomings, if any. It even will say "Hello, Michael. Where do you want to go today?" when you fire that sucker up. Pure, genius.

Sure its not sports, but hey, its not every day you get good Knight Rider news. You have to run with it, ya know?


Via Crunch Gear

Apparently, basketball isn't a sport

George Carlin died yesterday. 2 of the things I love are sports and cable and George Carlin figured into both in 1986 with this great bit from an HBO special on what is and what is not, a legitimate sport.



Just for review, here is a handy guide, feel free to clip it and stick it in your wallet so that you can prove to your ass captain friend who brags about his lacrosse (game) prowess that he does not, in fact, play an actual sport.

Sport	Grotesque Injuries?	Played with a ball?	Not basically ping-pong?	Not only played by college douchbags?
Football	X	X	X	X
Basketball		X	X	X
Baseball	X	X	X	X
Hockey	X		X	X
Golf		X	X	X
Tennis		X		X
Lacrosse	X	X	X
Volleyball		X		X
NASCAR	X		X	X
Running			X	X
Boxing	X		X	X

Notice that basketball is NOT a sport due to the lack of groteque injuries. If someone can find me some video, we can revise that.

Now My Pants Are Chafing Me

Depending on your preference, you either want to start paying more or less attention to athlete's crotches. The new wave in performance-enhancing drugs is here and it's long, strong and down to get the friction on.

The Australian reports that athletes are turning to Viagra to improve their performance.

"It has become so widespread that the World Anti-Doping Agency is considering whether to include Viagra on its list of substances banned in international sports."

The head of a World Anti-Doping Agency accredited lab notes that Viagra and Cialis frequently turn up in drug tests and busts.

Experts believe that Viagra, which dilates blood vessels, could help in events requiring explosive power, such as sprinting. Others suggest it could help endurance - not so much marathon sex sessions as marathon running - particularly at high altitude or in polluted conditions, such as those expected at the Beijing Olympics. The drug is believed to aid the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to muscles.

One would think the increased use of sexual enhancing drugs would lead to some awkward situations. A hard-on has to throw off a javelin throw or the swing of a baseball bat. Pitching inside definitely takes on a new, dangerous meaning. Viagra-using athletes might also want to stay away from Andrew Golota.

It's On Like Donkey Kong 2: Electric Boogaloo

Round 2: The Douche Fights Back? It looks like Jay Mariotti has some fight in him (when no one's around) after all. The Sun-Times columnist we all love to hate struck back at critics and sent another shot across Ozzie's bow during an interview with WTTW-11's John Callaway.

Mariotti: "Are the local media now brainwashed that every time Ozzie goes off it's 'Ozzie being Ozzie,' or are we dealing with one of the great crackpots in the history of professional sports? I happen to choose the latter."

Callaway: "That's what people would say about you."

Mariotti: "Not me."

What would you call someone with an inflated sense of worth who refers to himself as Osama Sox Laden or threatens to punch and sue The Hawk?

Mariotti also had words for his Sun-Times colleagues and accused them of not fighting for the paper. He accused Joe Cowley of "[having] "issues" and writing "a 'pathetic' column after the Sox's blowup-doll controversy".

Rick Telander got some too.

"...Don't sit here and stereotype me. That's just a smear campaign from a guy who … if he calls me angry, I call him bitter and old. This is a fellow who needs to examine the newspaper business, where it is right now, where the Sun-Times is in this market and maybe get his act into gear and help us win this battle …"

Can't you see Mariotti fighting all enemies of the newspaper business at Medieval Times in Schaumburg? His long, flowing mullet hanging out of his helmet. He's so Wallace. We can't wait until he starts referring to himself as the Paper Savior. He's a martyr like Gandhi and MLK. What exactly is he doing to help the Sun-Times "win the battle"? Bringing his personal, self-created beefs into the public spotlight? Passing off hyperbole as fact?

Check out Jay the Joke. They've been following the most recent back and forth including Mariotti's admission that he wouldn't take his comments up with Telander. Typical from probably the biggest coward in sports journalism.

New Nabisco tits and new cheese tits, corn tits, pizza tits, sesame tits, onion tits, tater tits. George Carlin will never say those seven words on television again.

Judge For Yourself

Is this fake or one hell of a catch by the ballgirl?