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Chimp’s NFL Week 14 Pick Em

Another week, another pick em.  I must admit, its getting a little old doing the pick ems.  This week, time ran short on me and I am putting them up late.  Thats the horrible thing about working a day job and having blogging be your night gig.  If you actually go to sleep at a reasonable time of night, you don’t get much blogging done.  So, basically, blame me having to meet my hours requirement for the year on not posting.  Nevertheless, I would be remiss if I missed a week’s worth of picks.

Last week, I went 6-8, a truly disappointing number for sure.  Also went winless on the Upset Special and Lock of the Week.  Not good for my overall stats, which now stand at 98-82-2, 7-6 on the Locks and 5-8 on the Upsets.  Pretty horrible really, you could probably do just as well picking from a coin toss.  Which, the last week, I will do because everyone pretty much knows who is in and out of the playoffs, teams are resting starters ands basically a crapshoot as to who will win.
The picks this week are going to be just the picks, writing up a column takes too much time in front of a computer and after sitting in front of a computer all week making redactions on document after document…well I just need a little break from this fun little box.  Its not often I say that about fun boxes either.    Anyway, lets give you what you want, the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Olivia from the Seattle Seahawks. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

DENVER +7 at Indianapolis
CINCINNATI +6.5 at Minnesota
NY Jets at TAMPA BAY +3.5
Buffalo at KANSAS CITY +1
New Orleans at ATLANTA +10
Detroit at BALTIMORE -13.5
Carolina at NEW ENGLAND -13
SEATTLE +6.5 at Houston
Washington at OAKLAND +1
SAN DIEGO +3 at Dallas
Philadelphia at NY Giants UNDER 44
ARIZONA -3 at San Francisco

ST. LOUIS +13 at Tennessee

GREEN BAY -3.5 at Chicago

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Chimp’s NFL Week 12 Pick Em

Last week we went an incredible 12-2, winning the locks and the upset specials of the week. Phenomenal week altogether, lets try to keep the momentum going this week. Overall, this puts Chimp’s Picks at 86-67 on the season, a phenomenal 56% rate, the magic number, also 6-5 on the locks of the week and 5-6 on the upset specials. Lets quickly get onto the picks, sadly without any write-ups this week as I am at Mrs. Rage’s parents house and she is glaring at me from the couch as we watch Elf on the USA network. Ahhh the holidays. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Jennifer from the Philadelphia Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Cleveland at CINCINNATI -14

Chicago at MINNESOTA -11
Washington at PHILADELPHIA -3
MIAMI -3.5 at Buffalo
ARIZONA +3 at Tennessee
Seattle at ST. LOUIS +3
TAMPA BAY +11.5 at Atlanta
CAROLINA +3 at New York Jets
JACKSONVILLE +3.5 at San Francisco
Kansas City at SAN DIEGO -14
NEW ENGLAND +3 at New Orleans
INDIANAPOLIS -3.5 at Houston

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Chimp’s NFL Week 11 Pick Em

Last week we were a disappointing 7-8, although I should’ve been 8-7 since I would’ve picked Jacksonville had I known MJD was going to play, but that is the pitfalls in making your picks on Friday morning, so I’ll stick with the 7-8. Although you know, and I know, what the real play was there. The lock of the week (5-5 on the year) failed but the upset special won (4-6 on the year) and we are now 74-65 for the year, 53% so far, which means we need to go on a run to hit the magic 56% number we all strive for. Hopefully this week will be better. Lets get on to the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Linda from the New York Jets. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Cleveland at DETROIT -3.5

Well this is just the NFL equivalent of watching a cripple fight isn’t it? You feel sad for the two participants but you can’t help but watch anyway because hey…cripple fight, right? Its the NFL, you really cant help but watch every game you possibly can, even if it is this game of two sad excuses of NFL teams. If you must put action on this, I like the suddenly looking somewhat stable Lions to beat the constantly in turmoil Browns and to cover the field goal and then some spread. For some reason the Browns’ defense has not been playing that bad, they apparently missed the memo to suck for this season, but I just don’t trust their offense to score anything here.

BUFFALO +9 at Jacksonville

Yes, there is no logic here to this pick. ITS CRRRRAAAAZY! Who on earth would think that the Bills, who just fired their head coach Dick Jauron so he can concentrate becoming the completely dead instead of just the walking dead, could actually compete with the Jaguars who just ran all over the Jets, well I do ladies and gents. Take the Bills who will be so happy to finally play to win instead of playing not to lose like the did with “not really tricky at all” Dickie Jauron.

Pittsburgh at KANSAS CITY +10

Pittsburgh is without their defensive rock Troy Polamalu yet again and they are going seriously pass crazy even though their offensive line cannot pass block to save their lives. This game is and should be a get well game for the Steelers and they should win, but I dont like laying double digits to the home dog so the plan here is to take KC and the points and pray that not having Larry Johnson will be enough to allow the Chiefs to function like a real NFL team.

INDIANAPOLIS -1 at Baltimore

The Colts are a really really good football team, meanwhile the Ravens still have people thinking their defense is the one that won them a Super Bowl in 2000. That was 9 years ago people, wake up. They are a 5-4 team right now and looked wretched against the Browns last week. They could only score 1 offensive touchdown against them. That is bad, man, like crazy bad, Beastmaster bad.

Yeah, I am actually watching Beastmaster right now, it is such a bad movie but like the sucker I am, I am still watching it because I am too lazy to find something else on tv. Well that and I find that if there is anything on TV on that I actually care about when I am writing, I get ZERO work done. Funny how that works. I did get a little nostalgic for Marc Singer watching the new V on tv the other day though. I still don’t know if I actually like the new V or if I am just waiting for it to be as awesome as the old V seemed when I was like 8 years old. WTF is Marc Singer up to besides hitting the comic book conventions circuit? Also, Did you know Rip Torn is in Beastmaster? I certainly didn’t know that, but I, sir, am a moron. That guy must’ve had it rough as an actor before the Larry Sanders show, which, by the way, is possibly one of the top 5 greatest television comedies in my life time. Such an underrated show. Or maybe its just rated. At this point, with people like me talking it up its probably making it overrated. Whatever, lets move on, shall we?

ATLANTA +6.5 at New York Giants

The Giants are coming off a bye week and have lost 4 games straight with their secondary and quarterback both injured and struggling while the Falcons are as up and down as any team in the NFL. 2nd year QB Matty Ice is not looking so good this season after his breakout rookie year but his running game has been working for him lately so they could have a chance in this game even if Turner the Burner sits this one out. I wouldn’t pick the Falcons to win this game outright, but I cant see the Giants busting this one wide open. This pick here is a sharp pick if it works and it should…unless the Giants are healed in their secondary and Eli shows no ill effects from his foot thing. If that is the case, I am fucked.

SAN FRANCISCO +6.5 at Green Bay

Another road dog? What am I smoking? Well truthfully, nothing, but I am eating mozzarella sticks and pepperoni slices at the same time. Its like all the fun of pizza without the dough and sauce. You take one bite of the cheese stick and then take a couple pepperoni slices and it is meaty, cheesy tastiness. What is even better are those mozzarella/pepperoni rolls you can get in the cheese section of any grocery store. Its all done for you, you just have to cut it, or, like I do, just chomp down into that sucker and rip you off a piece of tasty meatcheese. There isnt much like snacking on meats and cheeses at 3am while you are trying to blog. You know you’ve entered a new stage in life when you pass on the chips or candy and use meat as your junk food. Its primal and yet refined at the same time. Its refimal.

Anyway, Green Bay is a mess right now and if you’ve been betting on them lately you are a braver person than I. I have no idea how they beat the Cowboys and I bet neither do they. Sure their sound bites all say the right thing, but inside, they have to be like “What the fuck just happened there? We’re still in this somehow! Hot damn!” The 49ers right now look downright scary with their running game and that is helping to mask the fact that Alex Smith is not and should not be a NFL quarterback. How is he not in the UFL? I gotta think Sexy Rexy or JP Losman could do a little better here. Take the 49ers and pray that Mike Singletary can get some pressure on Aaron Rogers since his line has more holes in it than my meth-head cousin’s brain.

Seattle at MINNESOTA -10.5

Big spread, biiiiiig spread. I have done pretty well betting against Seattle all year, especially on the road where they are 0-4. I like their streak of losing and my streak of winning when betting against them to continue here. Seattle’s defense stinks worse than my breath after eating mozzarella sticks and pepperoni all night…Mrs. Rage is not going to be happy when she catches a whiff of this. I’m not even sure if brushing my teeth and mouthwash is going to stop this from blasting her nostrils and making her visibly gag when i see her in the morning. Also, have you ever gotten liquid smoke on your hands? I used a little liquid smoke to flavor some turkey I was cooking up tonight (I live in a condo, no balcony, which means no grill, I needed some smokey flavor and I know it isnt the same but I have to use it anyway, leave me alone) and I got some of it on my hands and it wont go away. The downside of this is, my hands stink of bottled smokey flavoring, the upside is, my hands smell like delicious smoked meats. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have…the facts of life.
So, to sum up, my breath and my hands smell like smoked meats and cheese and take Minnesota.

Washington at DALLAS -11

Who in the hell thought the Redskins could win that game last week? Not I. My personal thanks to Kyle Orton, the Redskins MVP for the game. Their offense was lighting up the Redskins defense when he was at quarterback but once he injured his ankle, they could only muster 36 yards with the spleenless Chris Simms at the helm. Who would’ve thought that a spleen was an integral part of being a QB in the NFL. Lets look at his stats pre spleen removal and post spleen removal:

Pre Spleen: 19 games played, completed 59.1% of his passes, QB rating of 71.2
Post Spleen: 2 games played, 26% completions, QB rating…well it was 7.2 last week…that is bad.

After this small sample size my conclusions are that spleens are necessary for survival in the NFL. Wait I am just handed a note…Drew Bledsoe ruptured his spleen in like 2000, paving the way for Tom Brady to steal his job, and after his spleen got obliterated his stat lines were statistically better in Buffalo and Dallas than when he was with the Patriots. Ok, so maybe not having a spleen only hurts when you are Chris Simms and you suck. You have NOTHING on Major Applewhite, Simms! NOTHING!

NEW ORLEANS -11 at Tampa Bay

New Orleans has been playing it close lately with their opponents and because of that, this week, I like them to break out of their semi-slump and dominate. I say semi-slump because they still haven’t lost a game, they’ve just been playing in some squeakers. Ronde Barber can only do so much against the offense of the Saints. All the Saints receivers should run wild in this game.

Also, am I the only won in this world rooting for a Saints/Bengals superbowl? Who Dats vs Who Deys! Why don’t more teams do this? Someone needs to adopt Who ‘Dis? or Who Dont! or Who Dunnit! Or something.

Arizona at ST. LOUIS +9

The Cardinals have been playing pretty well lately but I like Steven Jackson to make this game competitive. I still cannot say how sorry I feel for that man. He must really love the game to put forth such effort every game for such a God awful team. I like their chances at home here to keep this game close and even possibly steal one away from the NFC Champs.

New York Jets at NEW ENGLAND -10.5

The Jets are frauds, frauds with a running game, but frauds nonetheless. I think the Patriots here do one of those no mercy style beatdowns on the Jets to make up for their close game against the Colts last week. There shouldn’t be any controversy on the final play of this game, unless its about the Patriots trying to run up the score.

TENNESSEE +4 at Houston

With Chris Johnson looking like the second coming of Walter Payton can anyone reasonably bet against the Titans right now? Their defense scored twice last week, they have the best running back in football and Vince Young is playing some very un-Vince Young like football right now. The Texans never seem to ever live up to their hype and even though they have had 2 weeks to prepare for this game, their defense will not be prepared for Chris Johnson. Little known fact (especially do all you Deadspin readers) Chris Johnson’s middle name actually is Duan. How cool is that?


Cincinnati at OAKLAND +9.5

I just have to think at some point again, real soon, then Bengals will look like the Bungles. This might be it. On the road, with their #1 running back injured, against a team with absolutely nothing to lose…and they just signed the ultimate locker room disaster Larry Johnson. I smell UPSET OF THE WEEK material game right here! I need to hit up a sports bar this Sunday so I can watch this game I think. Watching the Raiders is like watching a NASCAR event, you watch it for the crashes, and crashes in this case mean you watch it waiting for Tom Cable to pull a Woody Hayes or Buddy Ryan and just punch the living shit out of someone.


PHILADELPHIA -3 at Chicago

Even the Eagles cant mess this game up. The Bears simply are a team lacking in talent right now. Their offensive line is a disaster and their vaunted defense from years past is a shell of its former self. Meanwhile, if Andy Reid could just get out of his way and stop making game planning so complicated, the Eagles could beat anyone in the league. Take the Eagles and the 3 points, this one is a gimme.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Chimp’s NFL Week 10 Pick Em

Well last week was pretty freakin average. We went 7-6, although truthfully, I would’ve changed my Indy -9 pick as I found out about their injuries on their D later in the week, but ya can’t cry over spilled milk. We were perfect on the Locks of the Week and Upset Specials making our records in those 5-4 and 3-6 respectively and 67-59 overall. Not bad, but we’re going to try to widen that gap a little bit more this week. Lets get on to it, shall we? As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Stacy from the Philadelphia Eagles. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

Jacksonville at NEW YORK JETS -7

I was soooo close to taking the Jags and the points in this game because i figured this one could be a close one, then I find out that MJD might have a gimpy knee. Oh dear. Well, while I am a fan of Liberty’s own Rashad Jennings, MJD is the heart and soul of the Jags. They go as he goes…well and how David Garrard goes too i guess…and maybe how their defense goes as well but that is neither here nor there. Since MJD might be hurting, I am gonna go ahead and pick the J-E-T-S to come out of their slumpage and kick the Jags down a notch. Its not like the Jaguars defense can really stop any of the Jets running backs anyway and the Sanchize should be able to not screw this game up. A touchdown, at home, should be plenty for the Jets to win by.

CINCINNATI +7 at Pittsburgh

So these two teams played each other back in September and the score was 23-20 with the Bengals winning. Cinci was a 3.5 point underdog in that game at home, double that and that is what they are on the road in Steelertown. I think this one is a close one. The Bengals and the Steelers are both playing some terrific defense and both are moving the ball down the field on offense. Unless the Steelers D goes nuts on Carson Palmer’s knee, this one isn’t going to be decided by more than 4 points. Take the Bengals.

Buffalo at Tennessee UNDER 41

Guess who is back? T.E. in the hizzy yo! You know what that means? Why it means the Bills have no chance at all at winning this game. Well, ok, they do have a slight chance at winning if their ball hawking defense comes to play and picks off Vincent Young a few times. But it really doesn’t matter who wins this game really because I am going for the totals here. I dont anticipate this game having a lot of points. Do you really expect the Titans to score over 30 points for the 3rd week in a row? I certainly don’t. Vinsanity has to come back to earth, Trent Edwards is lookin more like Trent Green with his concussion issues, and both teams will be grinding it out on the ground as much as they can. Take the Under here, its the safe pick for sure.

DETROIT +16.5 at Minnesota

Jesus, that is a lot of points for the Vikings to cover. Sure it is at home and Stafford just had a 5 INT game, but there is no way I can pick a team to cover that many points. Its difficult to imagine that the books are getting equal action on this one, but their loss is your gain. The Vikings defense is not playing well enough now to beat the Lions by 17 points, garbage time will screw them on that for sure. Take the Lions and watch the game pretending that the Lions already have a 16 point lead. Trust me, it’l make it a TON more enjoyable to watch.

ATLANTA -1 at Carolina

This might be the toughest game to pick this week. Both of these teams are impossible to figure out to me. At some times Matt Ryan is a world beater while others it he is just beating himself. The Panthers, meanwhile, are now somehow winning games without any passing game whatsoever. They should just try to be like Navy and never pass the ball, ever. Its worked pretty well for them, I don’t see why the Panthers can’t give it a shot. Can’t be any worse really because how can you trust Jake Delhomme at this point in his career? How bad must the backup quarterbacks be on this team if they are still playing Delhomme? I have no idea who is gonna win this, on paper (my papers at least), the Falcons should win, so I am just gonna go with that and pray it comes true.

TAMPA BAY +10 at Miami

Miami should win this game, hammering the ball at the Bucs with their corps of running backs and if Tampa was smart, they would be doing the same thing in return. However, there is no way I think Miami wins this one by more than 10. If Tampa could put the smack down on Green Bay, certainly they can keep up with Miami. Least I think so…and that is what is important, right? RIGHT?

KANSAS CITY +2 at Oakland

This is a matchup of two of the must brutal offenses in the league. This is NOT a marquee mathchup any stretch of the imagination. I dont even want to pick it really. I really care so little about this game. You shouldn’t watch, you shouldn’t bet on it, but if you do, just take the Chiefs. I dont ever, EVER like Oakland as a favorite.

Seattle at ARIZONA -9

I’ve done pretty well this year picking against the mighty Seahawks and I am hoping this won’t end now. The Cards are coming on strong, picking up momentum as the season progresses and I think they will romp over the Seahawks this week. The ‘hawks just don’t have enough on defense to slow down the prolific attack of the Cards.

The one good thing about the Seahawks is Matt Hasselbeck and watching him on the NFL Network’s Sound FX. This guy is a fucking riot. Listening to him on the field, you can completely tell that 1) He knows Seattle is going nowhere this season and 2) He can just have fun this season because if he took it seriously he might actually kill himself. You can tell that he honestly doesn’t give a damn anymore. Its brilliant television. If you get the NFL Network, dvr/watch Sound FX for last week’s games, its totally worth it for this guy. Anyway, the Seahawks have beaten the Rams, Jags and Lions…no way they are winning this week, take the Cards and the points.

Philadelphia at SAN DIEGO -1

Last time Phily went out to the west coast they got beaten by the lowly Oakland Raiders. I don’t think this week will be much different…except that San Diego is actually starting to play really good football right now. Attribute this spread to the mighty EAST COAST BIAS and the lie that is the strength of the NFC East. Take the Chargers and let Marmalad/Kinglaserface take you to victory.

DALLAS -3 at Green Bay

Oh, see what i just wrote about the NFC East right there…well it doesn’t apply to this game. The Packers are a team in some serious trouble right now. Their offensive line is horrrrrrrrrrrible and Aaron Rogers isn’t helping things right now by not getting out of the way of all the defensive players that are sacking him. Even though the skill players are still putting up crazy good fantasy points, the team as a whole is not playing so well right now. The Cowboys, on the other hand, look to be gelling at the right time. Miles Austin is a revelation. That crazy toothed mofo can get open, run real fast and actually hold onto the ball. All the things that receivers should do, but so, so many of them dont. Look at Roy Williams, Ted Ginn and the entire Washington Redskins receiving corps and so many others for proof of that. Stick with what works, the power running and Miles Austin and Dallas should cover 3 points on the road here easy.

New England at INDIANAPOLIS -3 (+105)

CLASH OF THE TITANS! GAME OF THE YEAR! GAME OF THE MONTH! GAME OF OUR LIVES! This game is SO BIG they should put Pat Summerall and John Madden back together and reanimate Howard Cosell’s lifeless, dead and buried corpse to be the world’s creepiest sideline reporter EVER. Way creepier than Pam Oliver’s fivehead. Two of the douchiest quarterbacks ever in one EPIC BATTLE for AFC DOMINATION.

There are only 2 real good games this week, Cinci/Pittsburgh is one and this is the other and both are only AFC teams. The AFC playoffs are going to be so much more entertaining than the NFC games or the Super Bowl. Because of this, I think we should celebrate the AFC playoffs the way we normally celebrate the Super Bowl and celebrate the Super Bowl the way we normally celebrate the Pro Bowl, because in reality, it is going to be about as meaningful as that game. Whomever wins the AFC Championship is pretty much the best team in the league. At least reanimated Howard Cosell would say so…or something like “mmmMMRRRUURRGGGH!”

Anyway, I think it is possible that the Patriots are just dickish enough to end the Colts winning streak right here and leave Peyton Manning to look like, well, Peyton Manning, but I cannot resist a juicy line like the one I have above. Taking the favorite, giving points, but getting odds…I love it. People are on the Pats 2 to 1 in this one, but the line has been pretty steady at -3. I think the Colts D is getting stronger every week and Peyton is playing football as if he were Neo in the Matrix, everything is just slow for him. They stay unbeaten, take the Colts.

Baltimore at CLEVELAND +10

Baltimore has been looking pretty average as of late and this week the Derek Anderson show is over with Brady Quinn starting for the Browns. 10 points is an awful lot for the Ravens to score on the road, even though the Browns really have no defense whatsoever. This is a horrible Monday night game and ESPN should be pissed that it is on their schedule, especially with the Sunday Night game looking to be like the NBC’s Battle of the NFL Network Superstars. Just take the home dog and immediately hop in the shower to wash away the shame you will have for betting this game…and you will bet it. Its Monday Night Football, you are going to either try to cap your winning week off with a big win, or try to recoup your losses from all the other games you listened to me on. We all know this and you know this. Just admit you have a problem and that is the first step on the road to recovery.


New Orleans at ST. LOUIS +13.5

My spidey sense was tingling last week with the Saints and I was right, they didn’t cover in a game they clearly should have…but I didn’t listen to it, much to my dismay. I’m not making the same mistake this week. Plus, while looking over the numbers on this one, pretty much 99% of the action is on the Saints to cover…yet the line either hasn’t moved or has gone DOWN from 14 points. What does that tell you people? It tells you that the Rams are the play here with out a doubt. I don’t exactly know how this is going to go down…but it will…and you will reap the benefits from it.


DENVER -3.5 at Washington

Since I told myself that I could never bet on Washington again the rest of the season, this is the most obvious pick on the board. Amazingly, betting against Washington for the season has worked out quite well. As a matter of fact if you only bet against Washington all season, you would actually be up a considerable amount of money. The Redskins have beat the spread once, against Carolina, when they lost by 3 points instead of 5. They actually pushed their first game of the season, losing to the Giants by just 6 points. The other 6 games the Redskins have played this year, they failed to cover their end of the bargain. Fading the Redskins is the only way to gamble people! You would be 6-1-1 if you did this! So why go against the grain? Fade them again this week, take the Broncos who should easily cover 3.5 points against this woeful Redskins squad.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Chimp’s NFL Week 7 Pick Em

Wow, ok so last week was my first truly awful week. I finished up a bloody 6-8 last week, losing both my lock and upset picks of the week. Just miserable. For the season, this puts me at 45-43 overall, 3-3 on Locks of the Week and 2-4 on Upsets of the Week. I either need to get a whole lot better at this or a whole lot more interesting as a writer to keep you reading this so this week, I will try to do both. Let me first load up on some booze. Ok done. On to the picks, as a warning, these picks are not for the feint of heart, so many road teams being picked this week it is SICK. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Asia from the New England Patriots. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

SAN DIEGO -4.5 at Kansas City

Do i trust Norv Turner to win this game? No. If they do win, do I trust Norv to win by 5 points. No again. Do you know what I trust even less? If you guessed Kansas City’s defense, then you would be correct. Despite having Norv and a suspect defense (and special teams if you look at what happened last week, sheesh), the Chargers’ offense should be good enough to win this game by a touchdown over the Chiefs’ horrendous defense and substandard offense. If you trust me, take the Chargers and don’t look back…don’t ever look back. TAKING THE CHARGERS IS MY ELECTRIC JOLT TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT PICK OF THE WEEK!

Minnesota at PITTSBURGH -5.5

The Vikings’ run will end in Pittsburgh. Minnesota was exposed last week against the Ravens in the second half as a team that can be thrown on and throwing is something that the Steelers do very very well. Big Ben had yet another 400 yard game last week and he might do it again this week as the Vikings’ corners are suspect and they are not getting much of a pass rush at all. Brett Favre and AP might actually be contained for most of the day, especially if they are down Percy Harvin as the rookie has been a vital cog in their offense thus far this year. Throw in the fact that Polamalu has a chance to play and you got yourself a Pittsburgh win right here. Betting the Steelers is my IRON CITY IRON CLAD LOCK OF THE WEEK!!

SAN FRANCISCO +3 at Houston

The 49ers are coming off a bye and getting their #1 running back back in the saddle. These are good things for the young 49ers. Houston has been the most schizophrenic team in football. They have yet to win 2 games in a row, following every win with a loss. Guess what, last week they won. I’m playing the trends here and taking the 49ers. With Houston’s horrible D allowing Shaun Hill to dink and dunk all over the field when Gore isnt gashing them for yardage, this is as certain a pick as I’ve had all year. Take the 49ers, because if Mike Singletary and Gary Kubiak got into a fight, you’d better believe that I’ll take Singletary. As a matter of fact, next week, i might just pick the head coaches I would think would win in a fight for all my picks. Write that one down, that is a good idea.

GREEN BAY -9 at Cleveland

As of the time I am writing this, my sources tell me pretty much the entire city of Cleveland has the swine flu. This doesn’t bode well for Green Bay next week, but this week they should be golden. If the Pack doesn’t cover this spread look up in the sky because PIGS WILL BE FUCKING FLYING! This is my VACCINATION pick of the week. You will be SICK to your STOMACH and PUKING your GUTS out if you do NOT get in on this!

New Orleans at MIAMI +6.5

Sure New Orleans has this high flying offense that cannot be stopped. Miami will not stop them, but that whacky Wildcat offense sure is going to keep the score close. That is all I am betting on here. Well that and I am a big believer in taking a home dog that is coming off a bye week. There is an advantage there and you should take advantage of it. Also of note, depending on the site, somewhere between 77-95% of the action is on the Saints here…and the line hasn’t moved. Some heavy hitters must like Miami on this one, you should see this and use it to your advantage. This is my SEX PANTHER pick of the week, if you see a little advantage, you might as well use it.

CHICAGO +1 at Cincinnati

The real question is, which Bengals team will show up to this game? The team that beat Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Baltimore or the team that lost to Houston. We wont count the Denver game because they, by all rights, should’ve won that game. The Bengals are 1-2 at home so far and this won’t be an easy test for them at all. Cutler should be secure now with his new contract, but will he go crazy and throw a bunch of INTs to lose this game for his team? Will Forte finally run like he did last year? Who knows. So many questions. In this game, I am just going with the better D and taking the Bears. If defense is good enough to win championships, it is good enough to win midseason games in Week 7.

New York Jets at OAKLAND +6.5

I’m not saying the Raiders are going to win this game…I’m just saying that they have a chance. Sanchez will not have an easy time throwing against this defense so you have to think it will be a running party yet again for the Jets’ rushers. The Jets’ defense should be able to confuse, harass, and dominate the Raiders hapless offense. This game is going to be decided by field goals and not touchdowns. I’d take the under if it werent 35, but it isnt so take the points.

Buffalo at Carolina UNDER 37

Now this game, I am willing to go under. You’re going to have Ryan Fitzpatrick vs Jake Delhomme here which means lots of runs eating away at the clock without points going up. Both running games are miserable right now as well, so that’l be a lotta running without going anywhere.

New England at TAMPA BAY +14.5

There is no home team in England, although I hope the crowd isnt going to be rooting for a symbol of something that killed a shit ton of them. Because American patriots should never be welcome in England we must root for the gay pirates…i mean Buccaneers. Right. I am just hoping the travel keeps this one somewhat close. We’ll see. This is my YOU SAY YOU WANT AN UPSET…errr…REVOLUTION pick. Wait that was sung by a bunch of Brits…whatever, take the Bucs.

ARIZONA +7 at New York

Last week the Giants took a beat down that opened my eyes to something…the fact that they can actually be beat. Arizona, on the other hand, looked pretty solid last week. With the Giant’s secondary in shambles I have to think that the Cardinals’ passing game is going to be just fine this week. I might even be inclined to take the Cardinals money line if it paid well enough. Take the cards in this one. When you win, you will shout “THANK YOU JEEEEEESUS!” like my main man Kurt did lo’ these many years ago.

PHILADELPHIA -7 at Washington

One team is having a guy who has been out of football for five years and on the team for two weeks calling plays…and one team doesnt. How this spread isnt 14 points is a testament to how decent the Redskins D has been playing this year. Nevertheless, no matter what the spread, I cannot pick the Redskins. God, it sucks to be a Redskins’ fan this year…take the Eagles.


ATLANTA +3.5 at Dallas

Ok, this one I just don’t get. Dallas is not a good team at all. Atlanta, on the other hand, is. Dallas hasn’t even won in their brand new stadium, so i cannot think the home field advantage is all that great here. Not going to look a gift horse in the mouth here, just going to take Atlanta and not ask any questions. This is my STICK A CARROT UP MY ASS AND CALL ME MR. ED DON’T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH pick of the week…also the Upset Special.


INDIANAPOLIS -13 at St. Louis

The Colts are going to beat the Rams by 30 easily in this game. They’d have stiffer competition if they were playing Florida right now, even after the beheading of Tebow. The Rams have Steven Jackson and that is it. That poor poor man. If anyone in the Rams’ front office has any soul left from their Super Bowl wins they would trade him while he still has some run left in his legs. I feel bad for him…especially if Bob Sanders is playing this week. Pray for Steven Jackson. Pick the Colts. When in St. Louis, if its cold outside, make sure that you check out The Royale which has a friggin terrific burger as well as plenty of awesomely creative booze and a fire pit. NOTHING goes together better than fire and booze…ok throw some sex and bacon in there and you might actually achieve nirvana. Just try not to mind the hipsters too much…ugh.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Chimp’s NFL Week 6 Pick Em

Week 5 was a whole lot of more of the same, I got a little too cute with a few picks and ended up going 7-6 with my picks. I was perfect on my Upset Specials and Locks of the week though, so for the season we’re at 39-35, 3-2 on locks of the week and 2-3 on upset specials. Really, I am the most mediocre prognosticator there is, but it appears in the long term, you should finish enough over .500 to maybe break even…which is not good enough my friends. You deserve more. This week, we’re shooting for near perfection. Its been a long work week (hence why this place has been a ghost town this week), so my writeups will be quick, but here are the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Tiffany Jimenez from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

KANSAS CITY +6.5 at Washington

Washington is playing with just 2 actual offensive linemen, the other 3 are just getting a headstart for halloween. I dont care how stout their D can be, Chiefs are, more than likely, winning this one straight up. If the Redskins do pull it out, it certainly wont be by a touchdown. Feel safe with this one.

Houston at Cincinnati OVER 46

All the Bengals do is play in close games, why should this one be any different against the occasionally high flying Texans’ offense. I thought about taking Texans +5 because of that, but I also expect this game to be a shootout. Each team scoring in bunches. Just play it safe and take the over.

Cleveland at PITTSBURGH -14

I’m not sure if the Browns will gain over 100 yards here. Only way the Steelers don’t win by more than 2 scores is if their horrible 4th quarter prevent D blows another huge lead. Lets hope they’ve figured that 4th quarter out. You’d think a team that won the Super Bowl the year before would have an inclination as to how to finish out a game strong. Its like they only really know how to come from behind, not play with a lead. Nevertheless, the Browns suck. Stillers dominate this one.

Baltimore at MINNESOTA -3

The Ravens defense is good but their offense is in the starring role this season. Unfortunately for them, the Vikings have a defense that can bottle up their newly dynamic offense and savvy/gritty/gutty/grizzled/tough/wise/veteran QB BRETTFAVRE will yet again perform well enough to solve any blitz thrown at him. Percy Harvin scores here too I think…just a random Peter King like guess there. You like that, I know it.

St. Louis at JACKSONVILLE -9.5

Sure the Jags got shut out last week, but the Rams have been shut out twice this year! Its scary laying this many points on the Jags, but I just have that little faith in the Rams ability to get in the end zone…that and I have a huge man crush on MJD.

Carolina at TAMPA BAY +3

This one is a pure gut feeling play here. I just think that Tampa’s running game and their super mobile QB will present a lot of problems for Carolina. Also, after 2 tough road games, this could be the Bucs’ last chance at a win in a while in a home game against a mentally beaten down team. I think the upset happens and Tampa wins its 1st game of the year.

Detroit at GREEN BAY -13.5

It is looking more and more like Calvin Johnson won’t be playing on Sunday. This news is horrible for my fantasy team, but excellent for my wallet. Take the Packers here and rest easy knowing your money is about to double up.

ARIZONA +3 at Seattle

Its tough to play in Seattle for sure, but Arizona does it twice a year and know what they are getting into. Well, that and the Seahawks really aren’t a good team despite what they did last week to Jacksonville. Kurt Warner flies high this game Arizona will win straight up, if the moneyline was better i would be all over that.

Bills at Jets UNDER 37.5

If you don’t live on the east coast, you might not know this but…it is friggin wet. REAL WET right now. This deluge wont stop for days, its Friday morning when i’m writing this and it wont stop raining until sometime next week. It will be raining on Sunday and with the Jets starting a rookie QB from Southern California and the Bills just being one of the worst teams in football playing one of the best defenses in the league…I am thinking all of this will keep the score loooooow.

Tennessee at NEW ENGLAND -9

The Patriots are going to flex their muscles here and show that they can, at times, play like the dominating team they used to be. The Titans will just stand idly by watching as it happens to them. No shocker here when the Pats win.

Chicago at ATLANTA -3.5

After last weekend’s offensive explosion, how do you not roll the dice and pick the Falcons here? You have to like what Ryan and White are doing in the air and Turner seems to be gaining his footing this season as a RB. Their D is also playing some decent football. I think the Bears hit a wall in Atlanta.

Denver at SAN DIEGO -3.5

The Chargers are coming off a bye week having rested and licked their wounds and they are going to come out, at home, on Monday night and put an end to the amazing win streak the Broncos are on right now. Believe in NORV! Chargers will win!


NEW YORK GIANTS +3 at New Orleans

In my mind, the Giants are the most complete team in the NFC and possibly the NFL, unless they prove me otherwise by getting their asses handed to them, I think they should be favored in every game this year. So, in light of that, any time they are underdogs I am taking them…even though New Orleans is at home and coming off a bye week. 2 things that mean that I will probably soon be parted with my money…but i’m still liking the Giants here.


PHILADELPHIA -14 at Oakland

I think there is some rule to NFL sports betting that if the home team is a 14 point underdog, you really just have to take them…but screw that rule. This year in the NFL has been no stranger to some crazy blowouts. The difference between the the haves and the have nots is HUGE this season. Take the Eagles, they cover this huge line easy. And if you’re ever up in Philly, hit up Monk’s Belgian Cafe…seriously the best mussels and fries in the city and a great selection of Belgian beers.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Chimp’s NFL Week 5 Pick Em

This is going to be one long season, last week was another totally average week, with your boy Chimp going 7-7, losing the upset special and winning the lock of the week. Overall, I am 32-29 and 2-2 on the Locks of the Week and 1-3 on the Upset Specials. Still a whole lot of room to make some money and if you were for some reason betting with me here, you would probably be around even. But, we can do better, and we certainly will this week. I have information that will make this week the ultimate lock week of all weeks! READ ON! As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Abbie M from the Baltimore Ravens. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

MINNESOTA -10 at St. Louis

You know a team is bad when I am willing to lay 10 points against a home team on a team playing on a short week due to them having just played their guts out on Monday night. St. Louis is that bad. If this were a college game, there would be a 30 point spread. These teams are mirror images of each other. If you wanted a real life analogy, the Vikings are a NASA shuttle lifting off to go visit the space station, while the Rams are the rocket that is on a death mission to the Moon to literally punch the moon in its fucking face. You gotta take the Vikings here, their D will pummel whomever is quarterbacking the Rams into the ground like a NASA rocket into the moon…I cannot use that story enough apparently! THIS IS MY SUPERSONIC PICK OF THE WEEK because you will be running so fast to make this bet you will generate a Goddamn SONIC BOOM!!!

Dallas at KANSAS CITY +9

Sure Tony Romo is a screw-up, they have average wide receivers, all their running backs are banged up and their defense is garbage….wait…no do not ignore any of that information. As bad as Kansas City is and they are pretty horrible, I actually think they have a chance at home against this Dallas squad. Not a good chance, but a good enough chance to cover 9 points here. Take the Chiefs, put a good amount of money on it, then go take this sick ass Makers Mark Master Distiller’s Experience. You get a friggin 24 karat bottle of your own booze, literally your face is etched onto the bottle, its YOURS! THIS IS MY 130 PROOF KILLER BUZZ PICK OF THE WEEK!

Washington at CAROLINA -3.5

Yeah, so far I am 1-0 when picking against my Redskins like I said I would the rest of the season and I think I am going to increase my winning streak to 2 games this week. Both teams are desperate, one team will win.

My information this week says the ‘Skins have hired a man that was recently pulling bingo balls out of a barrel for a church to be the salvation for their offense. How anyone can ever bet on them is beyond me. If you live in the DC area like me, you should take Carolina and when you win buy yourself a nice big HD television and some NFL Sunday Ticket so you never have to watch the Redskins again. GOD they suck.

Tampa Bay at PHILADELPHIA -14.5

I must be crazy…or AM I? This line is actually up to 16 in some places and the action on Tampa has been pretty steady even with the line moves. No one thinks the Bucs can actually win this game, but they question whether the Eagles can actually put up the points to cover this line. I’m here to assure you, they will. Sure McNabb is just coming back, but after the performance that Kevin Kolb had the last two weeks and Mike Vick’s ever increasing appearances on the field, Donovan will want to desperately piss all over the Buccaneers to assert his dominance and claim this football team for himself, once and for all…again…and just for this season. No way McNabb is here next year. Take the Eagles and when you win, piss all over your house, just to make a point. Claim that territory.

NY JETS -1 at Miami

Look for the Jets’ defense to terrorize Chad Henne into making a mistake on the few plays he is allowed to throw the ball. The other 80% of the time when the Dolphins are running, they will be bottled up tighter than a jar of some tasty Rao’s Vodka Sauce. Have you ever had this shit? It is possibly some of the greatest, store bought and mass produced red sauce on the planet. Mrs. Rage made some tasty Spaghetti alla Carbonara that was pushed over the top by the application of this sauce. Oh my GOD was so good I actually regurgitated it a few times in my mouth after the meal just to taste it again…or maybe that was just acid reflux…either way it was just as tasty the second time. Buy it, you cannot go wrong with it, much like you cannot go wrong taking the Jets here. This is my HOLY SHIT I ACTUALLY ATE 3/4 OF A BOX OF PASTA AND DAMN NEAR A PACKAGE OF BACON AND I STILL WANT MORE PICK OF THE WEEK!!!

Oakland at NY Giants UNDER 38

Look, the Raiders havent let anyone put up over 29 points on them this season and they haven’t scored a touchdown in 2 weeks with 9 points being their total offensive output in that span. The Raiders shut out a Tampa offense that is actually better than the Raiders. All this adds up to another really, really, low scoring game. Unless the Giants win 39-0, with an injured Eli Manning and a running game that will run the clock down quick, this game is going under. Take the Giants, its my Super Mega Ultra Special Upside Jigga Generic-Cliched Words pick of the week.

Cincinnati at BALTIMORE -9

I have inside information on this game that YOU NEED TO KNOW…and if i had a 1-800 number I could let you know, but I don’t so you will have to trust me. This is my 4 star, game of the year pick! Home team covers this large 9 point spread. The Bengals are paper…bengals…um yeah and they will be exposed this as such! Take Baltimore -9, thats right the RAVENS giving 9 points is your pick! Bet this right and you will be set to gamble the REST OF THE YEAR…HON!

PITTSBURGH -10.5 at Detroit

Yea, the Steelers should cruise this week and they might be getting the heart and soul of their D back when Troy Polamalu returns. Detroit has been beat down by more than 10 points in all 3 of their losses…and why not make it 4 for 4? By the way, you notice how large the spread are this week? So far we’ve had a 10, two 9′s, two 14.5, now a 10.5. I mean, what happened to parity? Jesus! Take the Stillers, eat all the Primanti Bros you want after you win, you’ll need it to absorb the alcohol you will ingest so you can stand to watch this blowout.

ATLANTA +2.5 at San Francisco

San Fran has surprised many with its 3-1 record, beating the Cardinals, Rams and Seahawks and losing to the Vikings by just 3 points. Meanwhile Atlanta is coming off a bye week at 2-1, losing once to the Patriots…San Fran is getting way too much respect here. This is a gimme, take the Falcons, the 49ers are impressing people, but lets not crown them yet. The Falcons are a solid team and should win this game out right. Take the Falcons, ITS MY FIVE POINTED STAR DEVIL MAY CARE PICK OF THE WEEK!

NEW ENGLAND -3 at Denver

I mean really, in what would should the Patriots ever be favored by just 3 points against the Broncos? I mean, these Broncos barely beat the Bengals and have beat the Cowboys, Raiders and Browns…hardly stout competition. Belichik taught Josh McDaniels all he knows…except how to beat the King. Not this week for the brash young coach, like the late James Brown said “I taught them everything they know…not everything I know.” Take the Patriots, this is my GET UP PAPA’S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG SEX MACHINE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE ME WANNA KISS MYSELF PICK OF THE WEEK!

Houston at Arizona UNDER 50

Yeah, everyone and their mother thinks this game is going to be some 35-29 high scoring fiasco, but I am not buying that hype. Arizona is at home and coming off a bye week allowing them 2 weeks to prepare for this offense. This game will have plenty of fireworks, but its not going above 50 points total. Fade the public and take the under safely here peoples. If I had a fade of the week, this would be it.

Jacksonville at Seattle

I can only find this line at one sportsbetting site and they have Jacksonville favored by 3. The rest of the sports gambling world it is off the board due to Hasselbeck’s questionable status right now. So, i’m not going to do a huge writeup about this game and I am not going to include it in my picks for this week. But, if I had to make a pick, I’d take Jacksonville, even if the spread is 3.


CLEVELAND +210 at Buffalo

Well isnt this game a stinker? Toss a coin, I dunno. Seriously, no team deserves to win this game. Buffalo is favored by 6 at home and they need to win because when they dont, the crime rate jumps in Buffalo. Meanwhile, the Browns are winless and traded their former best receiver away for a couple of gritty role players to shake things up a little. Will it work? Who knows. What I do know is, i don’t feel confident in the Bills winning by a touchdown, nor do I feel confident the Browns will let them. No, where I see value in this matchup is the moneyline bet. +210 is just juicy enough to want to gamble since the Browns do actually have a chance here, not a good chance, but a double my damn money chance if they win. Take the Browns, gamble a little to double your cash and when you do, find me and shake my hand…if you dont, please dont punch me in the face. THIS IS MY DO NOT DARE PUNCH ME IN THE FACE PICK OF THE WEEK! Oh…also the Upset Special seeing as I am picking a 6 point underdog to win outright. Trapper, this one’s for you.


INDIANAPOLIS -3.5 at Tennessee

I am officially done with the Titans like I am done with the Redskins. Every week I bet on them to break out of this slump and every week they disappoint me. Obviously, Jim Schwartz was a fucking genius and his absence is a void that cannot be filled by any other mortal being. Screw this team, take the Colts, Peyton Manning is playing the best football of his career, their defense is getting healthier every second, they have 2 running backs and 3 receivers playing exceptionally well, their offensive line is fantastic…how are they only favored by 3.5? You know what this means? LOCK OF THE WEEK. Thats right…i just did that. And while you’re in Nashville watching your Titans lose, hit up Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge because no trip to that city is complete without it.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Chimp’s NFL Week 4 Pick Em

Last week wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t amazing either. I finished up 9-7 here, and missed on the Upset Special but hit on my Lock of the week. Overall, I am 25-22 and 1-2 on the Locks of the Week and Upset Specials. Like I said, not bad, but not great. We can do better, and we will this week. HERE WE GO. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Emily C from the Jacksonville Jaguars. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

OAKLAND +9 at Houston

The Raiders are a horrible team, just horrible, but as bad as they are, Houston’s D is worse. They are, and have been for awhile, the worst defense in the league. Its hard to be this bad for this long, but they are and have been. For this and this reason only, I am picking the Oakland Raiders to cover. With a D this bad, Oakland might not ever have to actually throw the ball and, really, why would they? JaMarcus Russel is scary bad. Take the Raiders and get yourself a big puffy Raiders Starter jacket with it, kickin it old skool boyeeeeee.

TENNESSEE -3 at Jacksonville

Tennessee is the best 0-3 team in football, hands down, and I will keep putting money on them until they win a damn game. Certainly they should have no problem putting away the hapless Jaguars at their home. 3 points is a gimme here. Take two Titans -3 and call me in the morning.

CINCINNATI -6 at Cleveland

You’re kidding me right? The real question is how does Cincinnati screw this game up so they don’t win by more than 6 points. They are perfectly capable of this and we all know it, but do not let that persuade you into making a bet on the home dog. You are better than that and you know it. Just look at this game as a gift from the gambling God, Gamblor. He knows you cannot resist a juicy line like that so don’t. Gamblor is a spiteful God. Do not anger him by turning down gifts. Once you win this bet, make sure you go straight to under your bathroom sink where you have your mini slot machine surrounded by candles and a picture of the Cthulhu-like monster that is Gamblor and pay your respects to the God that controls you.

New York Giants at Kansas City OVER 42

Everyone knows the Giants are going to win this game and after shutting out Tampa last week, everyone anticipates this game to be just as big a blowout, hence the 9 points that the Giants are favored by. But is 9 too much? Over 80% of the action is on the Giants and this line has not budged. I smell a rat. What I expect this time is that their D will give up points, their offense will score more, and in the end, it will be a 31-14 type score with thanks to a garbage time score for the Chiefs. If that score actually happens, my wife gets dinner at a restaurant of her choice…if she is actually reading this of course.

DETROIT +10 at Chicago

What, exactly, have the Bears done this year to be 10 point favorites against anyone? I’m waiting…yeah, I thought so, nothing. The Lions have at least proved one thing this year, that they are one game better than last year. That is always nice to get out of the way in the 3rd week. They wont win this game, but they aren’t going to get blown out either. Culter doesn’t have those kinds of weapons here and the Bears’ defense, while solid, has seen better days. Take the Lions, but first, you need have a yard sale on Saturday morning. Think of it as fall cleaning, you slob. Get rid of all that clutter like old books, t-shirts, silverware, plates, watches, couches, televisions, your children and take all that money and throw it on this game. You’ll thank me for it.

TAMPA BAY +9 at Washington

Yea, if you read last week, you know that I said that if the Redskins didn’t cover, I would bet against them the rest of the season, no matter what the line was. Well, they didn’t cover, so here we are picking Tampa. Luckily, this week, I actually like Tampa to cover this one since I don’t believe the Redskins can beat anyone by more than a field goal this season. I’m still rooting for my ‘skins to win…but I ain’t betting on them ever again. Take the Bucs, they wont win, but the Redskins can’t help but make this game close.

Seattle at INDIANAPOLIS -10.5

That is a LOT of points. A LOT of them. I’m not sure, but over 10 point favorites never seem to do that well in the NFL, someone should look that up…so why am I picking the Colts? Because they are freakin good and the Seneca Wallace show isn’t going to be able to keep up with them, especially with Julius Jones looking like he’s running through quicksand. Oh, and I have to take one of these massive home favorites at some point, so here we are. Take the Colts and the points, act like a total barstool pundit while you’re doing it and when you win kick everyone that mocked you right in the balls. They deserve it.


Last week the Bills proved that you can slow down the Saints mighty offense and the Jets will put all sorts of pressure on Drew Brees to prove that you can slow them down enough to win. Thing is, I dont think they will. With all that pressure, someone’s gotta be open, and Brees is good enough to find them. The Saints’ defense, however, has become blitz happy as well now that Gregggggggg Williams is their new coordinator and they will put the heat on young Mark Sanchez forcing him into finally showing the league that he is, indeed, a rookie. After you win this, shake a magic 8 ball and ask it if you are the man…signs will point to YES.

Buffalo at MIAMI +1

This is a game separated by two camps. Those that went to Michigan and believe that Chad Henne will actually win this game, thus proving he actually does belong in the NFL…and there is the rest of the world that knows he doesn’t. I fall in the latter of the two camps but I know something you may not and this might amaze you but…Miami runs the ball a TON. Henne will really just have to hand the damn ball off and they will beat Buffalo at home this week. On the defensive side, even Jason Taylor, who looks like he is playing the role of Bruce Smith in his last year, can sack Trent Edwards with the Buffalo O Line in front. Take the ‘phins, enjoy the 1 point cushion you have, relax in that easy chair you have and win you win your big bucks…buy me an easy chair like the one you have. I need me some lay-z-boy action.

DALLAS -3 at Denver

Denver is not a very good team. Oh, I know they are 3-0, but really, trust me, they are not a very good team. Don’t trust them. It pains me to go with Dallas here, but you have to pick them. Denver’s stats have been padded by playing the Raiders and the Browns the last two games, any team will look like a champion with that schedule. In this game, they will come down to earth. Orton will come down to earth. Their D will realize they still do not have a defensive line as Barber and Choice gash them for 200+ yards. Dallas wins this…well, just pray Romo doesnt screw this up. Take the Cowboys, buy yourself a pony when you win…for the kids of course.

San Diego at Pittsburgh OVER 43

Both teams have been hit by injuries and I have no idea who is going to win this game. What I do know is that both teams are hurting at RB and even with healthy RB’s they love to sling the ball. There is going to be a lot of clock stoppages and big plays and this will be one exciting, high scoring game. Take the over and don’t look back. No idea who is going to win…but points will be scored!! After you bet this game and before you sit down to watch it, make sure you buy yourself a seat belt for your couch…you’re going to need it.

GREEN BAY +3.5 at Minnesota

The revenge game, on Monday night, can it get any better? Yes…if Brett Favre loses this game. That will make it perfect. This will be a squeaker, take the road dog yet again this week. If Brett Favre actually beats his old team at least we know that we are already in Hell.


BALTIMORE +1 at New England

Its a rare day that I pick against the Patriots at home, but this is one of those days, I’m going Ravens here. Why? Well after the Jets gave the Pats fits I kinda think the Ravens can do the same thing with their D. Also, the Ravens’ offense is better. Their running backs are better, they are deeper at WR, their line is playing better, and Flacco is, right now, playing better football than Football Fabio Tom Brady. Come to think of it, the Ravens are just a better team all around right now. Be gutsy, be a man (or woman) and do what you know is right and pick against the Pats at home. When you make this call and you win, you’re going to want to do exactly what I am going to do…which, of course, is to run outside and rip your shirt off full-on Hulkamania stylie and scream “I AM A FUCKING SPORTS BETTING GOD!”…especially if you are a woman you might want to consider this.


St. Louis at SAN FRANCISCO -9

Lets see, Bulger is hurting, their best receiver (and a revelation at the position for the team) Laurent Robinson is out for the year and their defense is wretched. They only thing the Rams have going for them is poor Steven Jackson, whose talents are being wasted more than Marshall Faulk’s were when he was with the Colts. It’d be awesome if they repaid the Colts for giving them Faulk and give them Jackson, not because i like the Colts, but because i REALLY feel bad for Jackson. Pick the 49ers here and watch this game if you can. You might see Mike Singletary blow a groin from jockin his players so hard.

And while your in San Francisco, make sure you hit up Burger Meister. Gourmet burgers…can you go wrong? No, especially when they look like this!

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

It Was Only A Matter Of Time For Jim Zorn

Yes, FireJimZorn is up and running on the blogger platform, and after that last loss to the Lions, you can’t blame the MongooseLG for starting it. The .com address is just a parked webads page, so that wont get used anytime soon. Oh, and if you like that graphic you can buy it on a t-shirt over in our t-shirt store.

Although, as a Redskins fan, I’m trying to fathom why anyone thinks their offense is supposed to be any good? I mean, hasnt it been garbage ever since Spurrier? They’ve been struggling to get points ever since Marty left town. Lets just say, they are who we thought they are. A team capable of hanging around with anyone…and losing to most of them.

I think that the only way this Redskins season can be considered a success is if we finally stop teasing Dan Snyder with a near 8-8 mediocre season and just tank it horribly, hopefully forcing Danny to clear house of Vinny Cerrato, and all the bloat on the team they can, blowing up the salary cap one year to get everything off the books and to start fresh. I would, however, keep the entire coaching staff because no one who is any good will want to coach this team after destroying it so bad…unless we get Raheem Morris I guess.

Lets hope it will happen this offseason, it can only get worse before it gets better.