Baseball Archives

Buy One of A-Rod’s Balls!

There’s probably somewhere in the neighborhood of one million different jokes that I can make here about A-Rod’s balls, but no, I am going above the low brow humor that I normally use and just giving it to you straight. You can soon purchase Alex Rodriguez’s 500th home run ball which he hit in old Yankee Stadium on Aug. 4, 2007.

So, you too can be a part of history and pay a ton of money for a ball, hit by a guy, who admitted he once used performance enhancing drugs to help hit balls.  Awesome.  Ask Todd McFarlane how buying home run balls has worked for him lately?  Yea, he’s the wisenheimer who bought Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball for 3 million dollars. BRILLIANT!

 From The Globe and Mail

Hey Ladies, Shake Them Rally T*ts For The Mariners

The war is over! The Seattle Mariners and Seattle strip club DreamGirls finally reached an agreement to end their legal battle over the club’s presence 400 feet from Safeco Field. The pros on the field are going to have some competition from pros on the stage.

The Mariners agreed to drop their appeal of a lower court decision allowing the club to open after the owners agreed to several concessions.

Under the settlement, the club operators agreed to certain limits on the building’s outdoor signs and a canopy along First Avenue South and Occidental Avenue South, including the size and degree of lighting.

No pictures of women on a full-color outdoor video display will be shown on days when events aimed at children are taking place at Safeco, such as Little League days. Only messages with text would be permitted on those days. The agreement covers up to 15 baseball games and up to 12 other events such as graduations.

When displayed, those pictures cannot be sexually explicit. The video sign must be on First Avenue South and can’t be visible on Occidental Avenue South, where many people walk to Safeco.

The club also will not use barkers to attract customers or use amplified sound outside the building. No live adult entertainment will be allowed on the roof, and the club will employ private security guards to deal with unlawful activity and loiterers.

That’s cute. Does team management think the restrictions are going to keep Adrian Beltre away from the club? If there’s anyone who can take a knee to the balls, it’s him. Fuck a cup. If club owner Roger Forbes is smart, he’ll get all subliminal and pay players to use strip club music while batting. Mike Sweeney could come out to a little Crüe. Imagine Ichiro stepping into the batters box to the big booty shakin’ sounds of Uncle Luke (lyrics NSFW). Doo Doo Brown!!

Chicago Baseball Is The Definition Of Irony

Ozzie Guillen wants you to be honest. Anyone of us would be crushed if we got dumped by someone on Full House. You might not go full meth head like Stephanie Tanner but you might dip a bit heavy into the sauce. Whatever you do, it’s not ironic despite what Alanis Morrisette might say especially when it comes to Dave Coulier. Chicago pickup baseball may not have sold as many albums as You Can’t Do That On Television but it knows the definition of irony.

A stop the violence baseball game went wrong when a player busted a cap in his coach’s ass after an altercation in the dugout.

The shooting happened during the second game of the day for the Cardinals after the gunman became upset with Hall for pulling him from the game, the Cardinals’ captain told WGN-Ch. 9.
The captain, a 23-year-old man who did not want his name revealed, told the station the player tried picking a fight with the coach in the dugout until the captain intervened and kicked the player out.

The player retrieved a semiautomatic handgun, returned to the field and chased after the coach, firing repeatedly. At one point, the player stopped to reload his gun, said the captain.

Hall appeared to have been hit twice, in an arm and in the back, the captain said. When Hall fell to ground, it appeared the player wanted to continue firing at him, but he had run out of bullets, the captain said.

Why does everything go wrong when a coach tells a player to sit his five dollar ass down before he makes change? Don’t nobody know nuthin? What up with this? What’s this world coming to if a stop the violence game kicks off some violence. Next thing you know the West Coast All Stars will be rapping about stopping the violence. Oh wait..

How Do You Spell Hypocrite, Kids?

It’s great to see baseball players giving back to the community especially when they can be hypocritical about their own actions. A-Rod took some time off before his error filled night on Tuesday to address students at Milford Mill Academy in Baltimore County about the dangers of sterioids.

“I am here today simply because I made a mistake,” Rodriguez said, according to a transcript provided by Powered By Me! “Now, how many of you here have made a mistake? Well, I’m here because I made a mistake, and one of my missions in life is to turn a negative into a positive.

“And to actually tell the truth, it feels pretty darn good and liberating. It is very important to me professionally and spiritually. At the end of the day when we look into the mirror, we learn from our mistakes, it’s something we should feel proud of and become a better version of ourselves.”

Let’s take a quick look at how taking steroids has been a negative for A-Rod. Thanks to performance enhancing drugs, he has a multi-million dollar contract, dates actresses and singers and suffered no long-term consequences besides the initial public furor and a book by Selena Roberts. Yeah kids, steroids make your life miserable.

It’s probably a good thing that A-Rod is out there talking to kids about the dangers of using steroids but it’s difficult to see him being an effective messenger when he suffered no serious consequences and didn’t admit using PEDs until he was called out. To his credit, he is working with the Taylor Hooton Foundation and talking to select groups of students around the country on a regular basis. That’s more than the majority of named players have done to prevent the use of PEDs by student-athletes.

There’s nothing more endearing than an alcoholic clown unless it’s an alcoholic clown played by Bobcat Goldwaith. Unfortunately there won’t be a Shakes the Clown II: Electric Boogaloo. No more mime beatdowns, kids. Luckily, we have the second generation spawn of Bozo the Clown to fill the void.

The Angels saved birthday parties and condemned mimes to doom by calling up pitcher Trevor Bell on Wednesday night. Bell’s first major league start resulted in 5 1/3 innings, four runs and nine hits in the Angels’ 10-4 win against the Blue Jays. Manager Mike Scoscia said Bell had “moxie” but he didn’t mention that he’s the grandson of the original Bozo the Clown. If the kid has any sense, he’ll work with his pitching coach and come up with a Bozo pitch. Allow us to play Leo Mazzone for a minute and suggest that he give the gas face while throwing a submarine pitch and screaming about poutine. If that doesn’t say clown, I don’t know what does. Sorry, do.

Wanna See A Kid Hit A Cycle of Home Runs?

With the first pick of the 2016 draft, the Washington Nationals select…this kid. This 10 year old kid hit 2 solo home runs, a 2 run homer, a 3 run homer and a grand slam to do the unthinkable and hit a cycle of home runs. Absolutely insane and an extremely rare event. Check it out.

Photo from the LA Times

Who could forget this Nick Nolte worthy mugshot? An athlete could only hope to have this dead sexy on his arm. Kim Mattingly is back. This time she’s bringing some family and she will cut off that TV if you don’t take her insults like a man.

Taylor Mattingly, the oldest son of Don Mattingly, was arrested after shoving and spitting on his mother because she sent him insulting text messages and cut off his satellite TV.

Mattingly acknowledged confronting his mother, Kim Mattingly, on Tuesday afternoon in her Evansville home after she had sent him a text message insulting him, his girlfriend and his father, Vanderburgh County Sheriff’s Deputy Nathan Espenlaub said Wednesday.

The deputy wrote in an affidavit that Mattingly acknowledged pushing his mother down and spitting on her. Mattingly, who surrendered to police Tuesday evening, also acknowledged smashing a patio table, flipping over a second table and damaging a patio door and a window.

The affidavit states that Taylor Mattingly, who was drafted by the Yankees in the 42nd round in 2003 but no longer plays professionally, said his mother had been drinking and that when she gets drunk she calls him and makes rude comments.

Insulting three people in one text message is rather impressive. Kim claims that Taylor became angry with her after she couldn’t get a car dealer to trade his car in for another one. He blew his lid when cut off his satellite TV service. He came over to her house within 15 minutes and and that’s when things popped off. You can’t cut off Home Improvement in Indiana and not expect to reap the whirlwind.

Care to bet any money on the next time Donnie Baseball goes back to Evansville? Kim probably insulted his 100% cotton pants. That would set any son off. Maybe he could trade Kim and Taylor for players to be named later or a bucket of week old, room temperature shrimp. The Pirates would probably take them for a couple top prospects plus Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez. That’s just how they do.

Brooklyn Cyclones Salute Pregnancy

Minor league baseball teams will do anything to get people to games, even appealing to demographics that most sports teams ignore, such as pregnant women. The Brooklyn Cyclones had a salute to pregnancy on Sunday where they offered a centerfield Lamaze class before the game, pregnancy food favorites such as pickles, ice cream, anchovy pizzas etc., a run/walk around the bases, a ceremonial first pitch by women in their 3rd trimester and if any woman gives birth at the stadium before the end of the game, the entire family gets tickets for life.

All pretty nice stuff for them to give out. There was one more giveaway though, and its a doozy. If any mother agrees to name her child “Brooklyn” or “Cy” will get season tickets for life.

Sadly, the kid doesnt get anything for being named after a minor league baseball team except relentless teasing for the rest of his/her life for being the child of an asshat.

From Brooklyn Cyclones

Ponch Needs To Slow His P*rn Roll

Erik Estrada is gonna have some splainin’ to do. First he molested “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”.

It’s not the worst rendition of the song. Ozzy Osbourne and Denise Richards don’t have to worry about anyone stealing their thunder or lack thereof. Estrada decided to make television viewers forget about his singing by throwing kiddie porn and Ron Jeremy in the mix.

The former actor and current deputy sheriff (Bedford County, VA) was talking about his policing and lobbying efforts against kiddie porn when he dropped this gem.

“I’ve seen my fair share of child pornography, and I want to do something about it.”

He went on to discuss his police work, reality TV career and the virtues of Ron Jeremy who is apparently a certified special education teacher and talented musician in addition to being hung like a donkey. It was all Len Kasper and Bob Brenly could do to get back into the game.

I can’t wait until Steve Pocaro of Toto sings “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” during the seventh inning stretch then tells Len and Bob that he’s done some research and learned that the root chakra is his taint.

Erik Estrada Talks Child Porn With Len and Bob [Sports Pros(e)]

If anyone knows the whereabouts of Bartolo Colon, please call Ken Williams. The Chicago White Sox lost their pitcher and have no idea where he is. He was rehabbing in Charlotte, was supposed to start at AAA Charlotte and is scheduled to start for the Sox on Thursday. Somebody check the Taco Burrito Palace #2 or Carmen’s.