Since the NFL lockout began we, the NFL fanbase, have been consumed with stories of players stepping up to hold players only workouts. Drew Brees, Tony Romo, Matt Cassel, Colt McCoy, and Matt Sanchez have all organized workouts. With busty Bengals’ QB Carson Palmer is organizing workouts too, just that they are with his personal trainer, and his cell phone turned off.

But the NFL offseason for bloggers is traditionally dominated by the other ways that players step up. Oh sure, we’ve had a field day with the James Harrison interview recently, and perhaps we all chuckled a bit by Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones’ latest misunderstanding, but where is a good old fashioned domestic assault to report when you need it? Enter Bengals’ runningback and free agent-if-the-season-ever-starts-again:

Bring joy to my empty existence, Profootballtalk.com:

Benson has been arrested and jailed in Travis County, Texas. He’s charged with assault causing bodily injury to a family member.

Even still, it’s good to see other Bengals players are taking time to get their fans exciting about another horrendous season. Ownership is doing their part too, FRONT PAGE ON THE WSJ! Oh, and out of journalistic fairness, I will also link the Bengals’ rebuttal. My girlfriend loves Harry Potter, but I just don’t like to read fiction. Unless it’s Penthouse Forum.

De-thawed corpse and Mr. Magoo-sports mogul Mike Brown is not the most beloved owner in the NFL, which is really saying something right now. But he still has fans in Pittsburgh, Baltimore, and even Cleveland, who have benefited from his leadership of the Bengals for years. In January, interception machine quarterback Carson Palmer put his crib on the market, changed his cell phone number, deleted his four square twitter app, and changed his facebook status to “available.” Mike Brown responded to all these clear signs of Palmer’s desire to move on by threatening to deprive the field hands of their supper, giving them each forty lashes, and then after soiling himself, he muttered something about controlling “the rebellion.” Mike Brown can’t quit you Carson, so come on home!

Your name is Toby, NFL.com:

“We don’t plan to trade Carson,” Brown said Monday at the NFL Spring Meeting. “He’s important to us. He’s a very fine player, and we do want him to come back. If he chooses not to, he’d retire. And we would go with Andy Dalton, the younger player we drafted, who’s a good prospect.

“Ideally, we’d have both of them. That’d be the best way to go forward. If we don’t have Carson, we’ll go with Andy.”

Ideally, Mike Brown would be removed from being the owner, like some other Cincinnati sports executives. Make no mistake, Mike Brown will burn this village in order to save it, Bengals fans. Start printing Super bowl tickets Cincinnati (downs scotch bottle, collapses in small pile of empty pill bottles and vomit).

I was at a friend’s birthday party several years ago when she decided that she was tired of karaoke and wanted to go to another bar to ride a mechanical bull. Did I mention she’s from Texas? We got to the bar, loaded up on Lone Stars and whiskey and started messing with the bull. I demurred for a while but eventually the bourbon started talking and I agreed to have a go. The minute I mounted the bull, my friend started yelling, “Black man on a bull!” and off I flew. I may have lost my dignity but at least I didn’t lose the tip of my finger like another friend on the same bull earlier this year.

Now imagine a whole crowd yelling “Black man on a bull”. You won’t have to wonder what that’s like for much longer. Chad Ochocinco is going to ride a bull. PBR COO Sean Gleason challenged the Bengals receiver to mount up at the LucasOil Invitational in Duluth, MN later this month. He’ll get $10,000 just for getting on the bull and a Ford F-150 if he stays on for eight seconds.

Gleason says Ochocinco is “a gifted athlete, but bull riding is a much different sport and climbing on the back of a bull in the chutes takes a little more than Twitter confidence, let alone calling for the gate (to open).”

Ochocinco = Twitter gangsta. Gleason has a point. He still has a standing challenge to take on the Ravens’ Tom Zbikowski in the boxing ring but he wisely shut up about that.

Marvin Lewis is gonna love hearing about his number one receiver riding a bull. Unfortunately for him, he can’t tell Ochocinco not to do it. I think we all know how this is going to end. The only way it can for a Cincinnati Bengal. Pray for Mojo.

Legedu Naanee asks the Patriots why they're being such (expletive) and not letting Vincent Jackson catch the ball.

“Do you know who I am?” Anyone who’s a regular listener of Tony Kornheiser’s radio show** knows his signature line when they hear it. He gets away with the running joke. Chargers wide receiver Legedu Naanee does not.

Naanee was arrested and charged with public intoxication and resisting arrest after refusing to leave an active crime scene.

According to police, Naanee came across an active crime scene at about 3:20 a.m. and was told he would have to turn around or go in another direction. Naanee, who according to police had a “strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on or about his breath or person,” asked the officer why he was being “such an (expletive).”

The police officer said after several attempts to get Naanee to leave the scene failed, he told Naanee he was under arrest. Naanee “actively began to pull away” and the officer used pepper spray but Naanee continued to resist.

Eventually he was handcuffed and as he was being walked to the police car, Naanee said, according to police, “Do you know who I am? I am an NFL player and I’m going to sue your ass.”

Quoting Kornheiser didn’t work for Naanee. Maybe he should have channeled Joe Namath and said, “I want to kiss you”.

Naanee’s agent, Buddy Baker, waited until Naanee resisted and was handcuffed before he intervened. He told the cop that he “was going to ruin [Naanee's] career”. That’s a bit of an overreaction. Marvin Lewis is still a head coach. There’s always a place for an oft-injured, average to mediocre player on the Bengals.

Why wouldn’t a police officer in Indianapolis should know about the legend they call Naanee, the twin brother of Nanu and son of Mork from Ork? Shazbot! What’s going on there anyway? Football players have been getting wrecked in that city ever since Mike Vanderjagt became the “idiot kicker who got liquored up and ran his mouth”. Now it’s contagious. Imagine what’s going to happen when the Super Bowl comes to town next season. Somebody take the keys away from Leonard Little and Donte Stallworth!

It was only late last year when Naanee was accused of putting someone in the hospital with “internal head injuries and a broken nose”. He was later cleared of any involvement.

…Naanee, 27, was asked if it was a relief that police concluded he was not involved in the fight. Naanee said, “Not for me. I mean, I never really was a suspect in the first place, but I’m grateful that the police came out and said that.”

When he was asked about the lessons learned from the incident, he said, “You’ve just got to remind yourself that you can go out as much as you want but you’ve got to remind yourself about the things that can happen, and that’s really all I can say about it.”

Chargers head coach Norv Turner said he spoke to Naanee about late-night partying, which he said isn’t a good idea when there is an important practice the next day.

Well there we are. Everyone knows no one listens to Norv Turner. He should have told Naanee to party his ass off. He would have stayed dry or continually dropped his drinks before accomplishing his mission. It would have been just like the Chargers in the playoffs. One big fail after another. The Super Bowl was only a week ago. It’s way too soon for anything Chargers related to succeed.

I can’t believe I dropped references from Mork and Mindy in this post. I’m not far away from dropping some Small Wonder and Vic Tayback on your ass.

** The show isn’t as good as it was when it consisted of Kornheiser, Andy Polin and Nigel but what are you going to do? Listen to Mike Wise? Try to tolerate Colin Cowherd? Focus on work?

If you can’t get into that hot party on January 19th, try the Blind Barber. T.O.’s hosting a “speakeasy soiree” benefit for the Alzheimer’s Association. Musical entertainment will be provided by … Pras Michel, the most talented of all the Fugees.

Pras is probably the safest Fugee to have at your party if one must be present. Wyclef will steal the money and use it on his mistress or a fake political campaign. Lauryn Hill will show up 3-4 hours late then tell you she’s worth the wait as she rushes through a medley while being played over by her band. Your best bet? Get some of that Four Loko you’ve been holding back and swig it in Washington Square Park while yelling at tourists.

H/T to Grub Street

Whoa. What? Ron Jeremy’s making a food truck porno? Do with that what you will. Grub Street’s finally paying off.