Reading Between the Headlines
Ever walk into a movie knowing it wasn’t going to be very good? Maybe you’re there because the movie stars a legend like Robert DeNiro, so you feel obligated to give it a shot. Now, let’s say this movie not only has DeNiro, but Al Pacino, too – as a self-respecting fan of you cinema, you kind of have to watch it, right?
But then, about 15 minutes into the movie, you realize it sucks and you should have known better… especially when said movie features 50 Cent. Well, this year’s NBA Finals was the league’s version of “Righteous Kill.” And Fitty’s role was played by Rasheed Wallace.
Two legendary franchises coming together to do battle in a seven game series should have had more allure to it. In fact, it should have been epic. Instead, this year’s NBA Finals was a free-throw shooting contest between two completely underwhelming teams. During last night’s Game 7, announcer Mike Breen kept lauding the defense of both teams repeatedly — it was almost as if he was embarrassed to be broadcasting a Game 7 with such lackluster play.
And while they were the better team, the Lakers are a pretty annoying bunch to watch. Aside from Kobe, there was crazy Ron Artest who somehow limited his insanity to only chucking up ill-advised three-pointers at inopportune times. Seriously, if you envisioned a Finals with Wallace and Artest on opposite sides and there wasn’t a death threat from one of them to the other, you’d be disappointed, right? Lamar Odom is tough to like because he married the most annoying (and least attractive) of the Kardashian girls. And by the end of Game 1, Sasha Vujacic captured the title of player “Most Deserving of a Punch to the Face.” Not exactly Kareem and Worthy…
In any case, Kobe has his five rings and the Boston triumvirate is probably finished. Say what you want about how Jordan was better (he was) and Kobe’s titles have come against weaker competition (they have), but he’s etched himself into the game’s history as one of the greatest. Now, he should take a day or two to enjoy his victory, then get to work on engineering a sign and trade for LeBron. The only way he can enhance his legacy and shut people like me up is to win more. Time for some headlines:
- Tiger Woods endured his “worst heckling” yet at the opening round of the U.S. Open.
This must have been awful. So what did the fan actually say?
“It is our business. You made it our business!”
This is laughably weak. Only on a golf course would someone heckle without cursing. If Tiger thinks that’s bad, he probably shouldn’t play any tournaments in Philly.
- Seattle Mariners bullpen catcher Jason Phillips is marrying a woman he met in the stands during a game.
Another reason why it is awesome to be a professional athlete… What would happen if a lawyer, in the middle of cross examination, spotted a hot juror and slipped her his number? Nevermind, this has probably already happened.
- A South African man was beaten to death by his family for changing the channel from a religious program to the World Cup.
This is the kind of story people look at and say, “No way this will never happen in our country.” Well, I’ve got three words for you: 700 Club fans. Wait for it.
- Roger Goodell insists that the NFL doesn’t need four preseason games.
Yeah, why have two meaningless preseason games when you can extend the season into March and make a pants-load of money with two extra regular season games? Look (Gammons’d), I understand that sports are a business. If there wasn’t money to be made, 99% of these ideas would not be on the table. Nonetheless, I’m pretty sure NFL owners are delirious: they want to extend the season by two games, cut the percentage of revenue that goes to the players AND keep the salary cap? Who is advising you all? That little guy from “Entourage?” If there ever were a reason for a strike, this is it. Besides, isn’t it time we gave a second look at the XFL? Nevermind.
- Albert Haynesworth skipped a mandatory minicamp and demanded a trade from the Washington Redskins.
Haynesworth’s big complaint is that he would never have signed with the Redskins if he knew that he’d have to play nosetackle. That’s great, but guess what? It’s your freaking job. You got paid $26M last year to roll around the field like a big jamoke. You can’t do that in a 3-4? Please. Don’t worry, Danny will keep the golf cart gassed up to carry you off the field on 3rd down.
That’s it for me. Have a great weekend. I’ll be hanging out with Dale Peterson. He doesn’t give a rip about sports or Democrats (but he HATES thugs and criminals). We have a lot in common. In the meantime, check out Deuce of Davenport Bossman Chimpanzee Rage on the KSK podcast.
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