World Series of Poker: THE MUSICAL

The well has officially run dry for new ideas for musical theater when someone has come up with a musical about a poker tournament as a legitimate idea for a Las Vegas production. All In: The Poker Musical is a play about 9 people at the final table of the World Series of poker who come from all walks of life and "sing songs that are chock full with double entendres, poker analogies, quotes, lingo, and suggestive situations that also apply to the game of life and the cards we are all dealt." Man, this sounds like a blast, huh?

The show was created by Tim Molyneux with help from the poker brat Phil Hellmuth who had this to say about the show:

"Through the lyrics of the songs and style of music, we see not only who these final nine players are, but we are able to see ourselves, our families, and our world," said Phil Hellmuth.

Right...man that makes me really want to see this. Does this mean that SUPER BOWL: The MUSICAL is like right around the corner? What depraved soul would want to see a musical about people playing cards? The only thing that is somewhat intriguing about it is that it might be MORE interesting to watch people playing cards if there is a whole bunch of singing and dancing going on...might...very very very strong emphasis on the word MIGHT there. Let's not forget that.

Tickets are $30-$50 and you can see it starting July 4th at the Rio. If you do, I want a full review. I'll give you a free DVD which won't offset the cost of the tix or the loss of a piece of your soul, but at least you can watch Tony Hawk do some crazy ass tricks. It has to be at least a couple words and cannot be "THIS PLAY SUCKS" over and over, I already know that is true.

Oh, and yes, I know this post has nothing to do with Jennifer Tilly's melons...but who wouldn't want to go all in there huh? I mean, am I right or am I right?

Do Not Mess With Wynn Las Vegas

This is what happens when you mess with Wynn Las Vegas.

Sir Charles learned his lesson about messing with Wynn when he was hit with a $400,000 bill. Next on the Wynn hitlist: Zo.

The Miami Heat center's charity and NBA Entertainment were slapped with a lawsuit by Wynn Las Vegas for "[failing] to pay a $50,000 bill for convention and meeting space and related services used during the 2007 NBA All-Star weekend".

What is it with these old ass ballers and not paying bills? They're starting to turn into Hollywood types who think they should get comped everywhere they go. Screwing over casinos doesn't seem to be a good idea. The man only has one kidney and I'm sure Wynn will be fine relieving him of it if he doesn't pay up.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: "Dam Jump"

It should be pretty obvious to anyone at the bottom of this dam that one should not ever, under any circumstance, jump from the top of this dam. This kid might be the biggest fool ever and he deserved to die from this, but somehow he didn't. His stupidity will live on to breed into even more stupid versions of himself that hopefully will succeed in killing themselves along with their father in an even more moronic stunt than this.

Even when the French fight, they still can't get it right.

A Moment Of Silence Please...

Former Steelers RB Najeh Davenport shitting out a trail of Cleveland Browns.

It wouldn't be right if we didn't note the release of our namesake Najeh Trenadious Monte Davenport. He's our guiding light. He's our everything. To us, Najeh is more than a shit joke. Well, that's not true. He's mostly a shit joke but he's also a quite capable backup. Chimp and I as well as the women of Barry University thank him as well as the inspirational power of Strongbow for helping us become who we are today. The Deuce wholeheartedly endorses him to any NFL team looking for consistent, regular leadership and occasional on-field play.

Amputated feet, decapitations. What the fuck is going on at Six Flags, Dan Snyder?

Don't Break It Down, Andy Cole

Ay Dios mio. We just stumbled across this...this...abortion dropped by former Manchester United star Andy Cole in 1999. It's his debut and hopefully last music single called Outstanding. Hopefully, that's supposed to be ironic. This stinks so bad it could "knock a buzzard off a crap wagon from 100 yards".



Outstanding didn't even break the UK Top 40. Hopefully Sir Alex gave him the hairdryer treatment for making others suffer through this.

This video got me wondering what other footballers got their music on and whether they fared better than Andy Cole. I managed to pull some "old and busted" together for you. Thank me later.

First up is Diamond Lights by Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle from 1987. Glenn Hoddle will always have a special place in my heart. I can't remember if it's for starting the Chelsea evolution from also-rans to contenders or his views on the disabled.



Diamond Lights charted at No. 12 on the UK charts. "Not a bad song. Not a good song either." You have to love Hoddle forgetting to lip sync at 2:42.

The next entry is the English Super Bowl Shuffle known as the Anfield Rap. Liverpool recorded this before the 1988 FA Cup Final. I have no idea why teams don't record FA Cup Final songs anymore. The songs were always shit but good for a laugh especially when you hated the team.



Geordie boys do anything including "suck sickly sausage rolls" according to Gazza. Paul Gascoigne recorded Fog on the Tyne with Lindsfarne. I certainly don't want to make fun of alcoholism but maybe seeing this had something to do with his incredible decline from being the future of English football to the sad mess he is today.



Who Ate All The Pies lets you compare the original to the Gazzafied version. We have to agree that the Gazza version is actually miles ahead of the original.

Here's another Geordie offering from Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan. Doubt he'll ever sing this to Dennis Wise.

Think Alan Shearer's going to let Gazza and Keegan take all the glory. Hell no. Here's the former Newcastle captain singing an emotionless All Night Long. I think Lionel Richie's job is safe. Yeah jambo jambo!!



Los Angeles Galaxy GM Alexi Lalas is more of an acoustic kind of guy. Here he sings Goodnight Moon. I wonder if this was part of his sales pitch to Goldenballs.



I'll close this post out on a high note with Fulham midfielder Clint "Deuce" Dempsey who happens to be my favorite US player not just because he shares a name with this blog. You might remember his most recent offering on Setanta. Here's Don't Tread with Big Hawk. America, fuck yeah.



If these aren't enough for you, enjoy the musical stylings of Ruud Gullit, Terry Venables (that's El Tel to you) and Blackburn's Morten Gamst Pedersen.


** I just came across this Who Ate All The Pies post listing the top 10 rapping footballers. Enjoy.

No Way This Goes Wrong

"My eyes! The goggles, they do nothing!" Live birds as mascots? That's a brilliant idea.

The front office geniuses at M&T Stadium think it's a good idea for the Baltimore Ravens to use live ravens as mascots at games. The birds are being trained to fly out ahead of the team as they run onto the field before games. They're also being trained how to say "Hello, how are you?", "touchdown" and "Go Ravens". No word on whether they're also being taught how to say "I didn't do it" or "Multiply that bitch up".

[Ravens Vice President for Marketing Gabrielle] Dow said she hopes the bird - or birds - will fly around the bowl of the stadium. She has plans to have the ravens meet fans at the Ravens Walk outside the stadium. As for risk to fans once the birds are in the air, Blocher said there is "none whatsoever" because of training methods Walthers has used.

Any chance she'll regret saying there's no risk to fans? I'll consider the experiment a success if the ravens start dive bombing Steelers, Bengals and Browns fans and dancing with Ray Lewis as he runs out of the tunnel.

Treasury secretary takes five week vacation ... to care for wombats.

Nobody F**ks With The Ally

You might fool the fucks on the ATP, but you don't fool Ally. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man! Hah hah! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Thursday instead. Wooo! You got a date Thursday, baby!

You have to give it up for Ally Kudryavtseva. She does not mess around when it comes to people she doesn't like. She worked Maria Sharapova like a rented mule yesterday beating her 6-2 6-4 and knocking her out of Wimbledon. After she beat Sharapova on the court, she finished her off by calling her out.

"It's very pleasant to beat Maria. Why? Well, I don't like her outfit. Can I put it this way? It's a little too much of everything. It was one of the motivations to beat her.''

"If I'm not afraid to go play her and she's world No.3, I'm not afraid she's going to catch me in the dressing room and say, 'You know what, you said you don't like my outfit. You were wrong'. I will say, 'Sorry. That's just my opinion'.''

It's a well known fact that Sharapova is not well liked (meaning not at all) by her Russian teammates. The girls are going to have a great time rooming together in Beijing. There's a chance she could become shell-shocked like David Carr if she keeps getting beat down Brand Nubian style. She's probably better off hiding out in Bradenton until everyone's gone.

Cohagen, give dees monkeys their rights!

It's Ten O'Clock. Do You Know Where Olympic Games Is?

Something must have been lost in translation. Most parents who name their children after famous athletes generally stick to the first name of the respective athlete unlike those assclowns who named their kid ESPN. Who knows how many little Todds or Akilis are scampering around out there?

The Chinese are taking things to another level by naming their children after sporting events. More and more Chinese babies are being named Aoyun which means Olympic Games. "Super Bowl, where's your brother UEFA Cup? Tell World Series of Poker to get his ass in here too!" Doesn't really work.

One Shining Moment For The Everyman

Some college students have their one shining moment on television or during graduation. Others have theirs under more pedestrian circumstances such as on a beer run on the Illinois-Wisconsin border.

There wasn't much like going to our local college liquor store and finding beer for $6 to $7 a case. There were the legends such as Kingsbury, Huber Bock and Rhinelander (which was as refreshing as Wisconsin's North Woods). There were also losers like the indigestible Sterling. Every once in a while, we would find the random case(s) of some unknown microbrew** such as Brau Meister ... That's right. Brau Meister. Definitely dodgier than Meister Brau. We asked where it came from and the employees had no idea. "They brought it so we're selling it". That would have been it for most thinking people. Fortunately we didn't have that hangup. We were the ones that ignored the Mr. Yuk stickers as kids.

We bought every case they had once we saw Brau Meister was $5 for a case of 24 bottles and drove back to Wisconsin thinking we hit the jackpot. Was it too good to be true? You betcha. Most of the beers had the consistency of quicksand. The silt in each bottle could have beached a small vessel or pilot whale. Did that stop us from drinking it? Of course it didn't.

Why the hell do I reminisce about those times as though they were the salad days? I guess they were in some ways but we only drank that crap because it was all we could afford most times besides the $.99 40oz of Laser. We could also make dorm furniture out of the empty cases. So we had that going for us which was nice.


You're probably wondering why the hell I just took you on that pointless trip down my memory lane. I don't know but what I do know is that a Wisconsin macrobrew is rising from the ashes. Pabst Brewing Co. is bringing back the original Schlitz. This is like going from the new Coke formula back to the original. Actually it's probably more like going from cat piss to monkey piss. OG Schlitz is only in limited release in the Milwaukee area. Hopefully it will open nationally for all the starving high school and college kids so they can live the dream.


** You can't imagine how lightly I use that term.

Giddyup! Diego Maradona Loves Horses

World famous footballer Diego Maradona has finally professed his love for something other than food or Colombian marching powder. He loves him some Julia Roberts. He loves her so much that he would cut off the infamous "Hand of God".

"I would do anything to see her coming along here, along the Croisette," he said, through a translator.

"I'd like to be able to walk along behind her and I'd be able to cut off my hand for that, even the hand with which I scored against England."

"I'd be able to cut off my hand if I could see Julia Roberts," he said.

Now that's dedication. PETA could use a spokesman like Maradona against people like J-Lo, Fur Ho and the seal clubbers of the world.



He makes about as much sense as a sober Pam Anderson and probably costs a dime sack and 20 pounds of chorizo. That's much less than an A-List celeb.

Joey Touchdown Finally Gets His Due

After years of sweat and perseverance, Joey Harrington has finally reached the top. Pro-Football-Reference.com has named him the worst quarterback in NFL history.

Chase Stuart twists the knife:

...No QB has performed so far below the league average for so long as Joey Harrington. To be clear, Joey Harrington probably isn’t the worst quarterback of all time in an absolute sense. But in terms of being so far below average, but far enough above miserable to earn more playing time, Joey Harrington hurt his team more than any other QB in NFL history. If Harrington had been worse, he would have played less, and he wouldn’t have set back the teams he played on. To put it another way, if you had the choice of getting Joey Harrington for 2,538 attempts, or Roger Goodell for 9 attempts you would certainly choose Goodell. At least after he’s gone, your team has a chance.

The Chick-fil-A tomahawk chopping cow should give Joey a 21-chop salute at the Braves' next home game.

We Can Wait For The Petr Cech Version

Ouch...

I demand a Ronaldo Tiny Tears: Deluxe World Cup Set

You know you love Rock and Roll (Part 2). You sing along with it at every sporting event. I was always partial to the obscene Maryland basketball version which I can't find. This will have to do.



Check it. We have great news for you. The pedophile you love to rock with is close to being released from the Hanoi Hilton and is looking to make a musical comeback. Maybe he and R Kelly can do a benefit record for the kids.

Breakin' The Law, Breakin' The Law

Shawn Chacon is a man of solutions. When faced with a problem, he doesn't cry about it like Milton Bradley. He does something about it. Step to him wrong? That's a chokeout.

Chacon was suspended indefinitely for grabbing Astros GM Ed Wade by the throat and throwing him on the ground. The rumble was allegedly over his demotion to the bullpen.

"I said, 'What do you want to speak to me about?' " Chacon said. "He said, 'We just want to talk to you.' I said, 'Anything you can say, you can say to me right here. I don't want to go to the office.' He looked at me, and I said, 'There's nothing for me to say to you guys.' And I don't think whatever they had to say to me they were going to make me happy. I didn't want to get in a closed-room conversation."

"I sat down to eat, and Ed Wade came to me and very sternly said, 'You need to come with me to the office.' I said, 'For what? I don't want to go to the office with you and Cooper.' And I said, 'You can tell me whatever you've got to tell me right here.' He's like, 'Oh, you want me to tell you right here?' And I said, 'Yeah.' I'm not yelling. I'm calm."

"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon said of Wade. "I'm sitting there, and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling at me. Then I stood up and said, 'You better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling and stuff and was like, 'You need to (expletive) look in the mirror.' So at that point I lost my cool, and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him, because at that point I wanted to beat his (behind). Words were exchanged."

Astros owner Drayton McLane told the team that Chacon won't pitch for the Astros again.

"If you shoved a policeman down or any other public servant ... can you imagine shoving a principal in a school? It was in full view of several players. Players pulled Chacon and restrained him. There's absolutely no way..."

Since when are baseball GMs public servants? Mets fans are probably wishing Chacon played for them. There's really no excuse for a physical attack under these circumstances unless physically provoked. However if things went down as described by Chacon and Wade did get in his face, we're not saying he should have choked him but we understand. We know Spree feels us.

Five 80s "Sports" Toys That Didn't Kill You, Just Made You Stronger

Sometimes when I'm at work, and bored out of my ever lovin' mind, I reminisce about the fun that I used to have as a child...and how on earth I ever survived. I'm gonna take a look back at the "action" toys of the 80s, designed to get all you kids out of the house and playing outside, not inside turning into zombies with those nintendos and ataris that we had...or if you couldnt get out of the house, at least to give you some calorie burning activity while you're inside. Here are some toys that didn't kill you, just made you stronger.


Pogo-Ball

This was a genius device. It was an oddly shaped "ball" in name only with a rim around it that you stood on, locked your feet around the orb up top, and attempted to bounce all over town with. This was all good in theory but practically impossible to do for a growing kid. This thing had to be the cause of all sorts of fractured wrists and knee injuries, especially if you blew it up as much as you possibly could. One bad angle of bounce would send your ass tumbling to the ground, which was inevitably concrete or asphalt because this sucker would bounce way better on that than say, grass. I never got down more than 3 or 4 bounces on this sucker before I got tossed off, probably because my dad overinflated the sucker, yet I kept trying and trying.
Sit n Spin

The only purpose of this thing is to spin yourself so dizzy that when you try to stand up you collapse immediately to the floor and vomit. Its like concussion symptoms without the actual brain damage! Its like what daddy feels like when he comes home at 3am smelling like a bottle of Wild Turkey! FUN FOR ALL AGES!!


Big Wheels

One of my favorite toys of all time. So much so, that I really wish I could be riding my own, adult sized, big wheel as I type this. The only problem with these vehicles are that you cant go all that fast on these...except when you go down hill and lift up your feet, but yea, that's not totally safe, as I found out as a kid and I have the scars to prove it. Also of fun was that when you got up to a fast enough speed, you could pull the hand break and skid your big wheel out...or flip it over if you are going fast enough and skid out hard enough. That was fun too. I also liked that the solid tires were great to sharpen sticks to a fine tip when you turn the big wheel upside down. I was a stabby child.

Entertech Water Guns

Ok, so maybe these did help kill some people. The water guns themselves didn't actually kill anyone however, but a few cops did kill some people because the geniuses at Entertech made these battery operated water guns look as realistic as possible...confusing many a law enforcement officer apparently much to the chagrin of quite a few parents. The guns themselves kinda sucked though, once your battery was drained, which was quick, you were left with nothing but a realistic looking useless water gun. What a troublesome piece of crap.

Huffy Bikes

I dunno about your bike when you were a kid, but mine had no actual brakes on it. The brakes were you peddling backwards which then locked the wheels sending you skidding to a stop...sometimes a violent stop, especially if you had no idea how to swerve your bike into a nice steady skid or if you clamped down on those brakes too hard sending yourself flying off or over the bike. Also, we didnt have those fancy helmets kids wear these days either. Apparently head injuries weren't of major concern back in the day...um what was I talking about again?

Got anything else? Leave it in the comments...

Knight Rider Coming To A Car Near You

In the "Why Didn't Someone Think Of This Already?" file, someone has made a GPS unit that sounds like KITT, Michael Knight's car in Knight Rider. In the immortal words of the Guinness beer commercials, "BRILLIANT!" So yea, the Knight Rider GPS by Mio will give you voice directions by the famous William Daniels, the voice of KITT and this should have been around a long long time ago. Who knows how good the actual GPS unit will be, the coolness factor surely will make up for its shortcomings, if any. It even will say "Hello, Michael. Where do you want to go today?" when you fire that sucker up. Pure, genius.

Sure its not sports, but hey, its not every day you get good Knight Rider news. You have to run with it, ya know?


Via Crunch Gear

Apparently, basketball isn't a sport

George Carlin died yesterday. 2 of the things I love are sports and cable and George Carlin figured into both in 1986 with this great bit from an HBO special on what is and what is not, a legitimate sport.



Just for review, here is a handy guide, feel free to clip it and stick it in your wallet so that you can prove to your ass captain friend who brags about his lacrosse (game) prowess that he does not, in fact, play an actual sport.

Sport	Grotesque Injuries?	Played with a ball?	Not basically ping-pong?	Not only played by college douchbags?
Football	X	X	X	X
Basketball		X	X	X
Baseball	X	X	X	X
Hockey	X		X	X
Golf		X	X	X
Tennis		X		X
Lacrosse	X	X	X
Volleyball		X		X
NASCAR	X		X	X
Running			X	X
Boxing	X		X	X

Notice that basketball is NOT a sport due to the lack of groteque injuries. If someone can find me some video, we can revise that.

Now My Pants Are Chafing Me

Depending on your preference, you either want to start paying more or less attention to athlete's crotches. The new wave in performance-enhancing drugs is here and it's long, strong and down to get the friction on.

The Australian reports that athletes are turning to Viagra to improve their performance.

"It has become so widespread that the World Anti-Doping Agency is considering whether to include Viagra on its list of substances banned in international sports."

The head of a World Anti-Doping Agency accredited lab notes that Viagra and Cialis frequently turn up in drug tests and busts.

Experts believe that Viagra, which dilates blood vessels, could help in events requiring explosive power, such as sprinting. Others suggest it could help endurance - not so much marathon sex sessions as marathon running - particularly at high altitude or in polluted conditions, such as those expected at the Beijing Olympics. The drug is believed to aid the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to muscles.

One would think the increased use of sexual enhancing drugs would lead to some awkward situations. A hard-on has to throw off a javelin throw or the swing of a baseball bat. Pitching inside definitely takes on a new, dangerous meaning. Viagra-using athletes might also want to stay away from Andrew Golota.

It's On Like Donkey Kong 2: Electric Boogaloo

Round 2: The Douche Fights Back? It looks like Jay Mariotti has some fight in him (when no one's around) after all. The Sun-Times columnist we all love to hate struck back at critics and sent another shot across Ozzie's bow during an interview with WTTW-11's John Callaway.

Mariotti: "Are the local media now brainwashed that every time Ozzie goes off it's 'Ozzie being Ozzie,' or are we dealing with one of the great crackpots in the history of professional sports? I happen to choose the latter."

Callaway: "That's what people would say about you."

Mariotti: "Not me."

What would you call someone with an inflated sense of worth who refers to himself as Osama Sox Laden or threatens to punch and sue The Hawk?

Mariotti also had words for his Sun-Times colleagues and accused them of not fighting for the paper. He accused Joe Cowley of "[having] "issues" and writing "a 'pathetic' column after the Sox's blowup-doll controversy".

Rick Telander got some too.

"...Don't sit here and stereotype me. That's just a smear campaign from a guy who … if he calls me angry, I call him bitter and old. This is a fellow who needs to examine the newspaper business, where it is right now, where the Sun-Times is in this market and maybe get his act into gear and help us win this battle …"

Can't you see Mariotti fighting all enemies of the newspaper business at Medieval Times in Schaumburg? His long, flowing mullet hanging out of his helmet. He's so Wallace. We can't wait until he starts referring to himself as the Paper Savior. He's a martyr like Gandhi and MLK. What exactly is he doing to help the Sun-Times "win the battle"? Bringing his personal, self-created beefs into the public spotlight? Passing off hyperbole as fact?

Check out Jay the Joke. They've been following the most recent back and forth including Mariotti's admission that he wouldn't take his comments up with Telander. Typical from probably the biggest coward in sports journalism.

New Nabisco tits and new cheese tits, corn tits, pizza tits, sesame tits, onion tits, tater tits. George Carlin will never say those seven words on television again.

Judge For Yourself

Is this fake or one hell of a catch by the ballgirl?

New Yankee Stadium Will Be Hard Rockin'

If you didn't think that the new Yankee's Stadium won't be a freaking circus of a ballpark, you will certainly believe it will be now. There will be a Hard Rock Cafe at the new Yankee Stadium. Thats right, a Hard Rock Cafe will be inside a major league ballpark.

I wonder what else Yankee's stadium will have in it to prove that the Yankees are America's #1 corporate sell-out team. Maybe they will have TGIFridays or Ruby Tuesdays as their restaurants to go along with the Hard Rock instead of some local food fare. Perhaps they'll open up a mini mall of designer fashions in the outfield so people can shop while they watch the game. While they're at it, they should maybe have one of their club levels called "The Mickey Mouse Club Level" and have it be a mini Disneyland all in the heart of the new ballpark.

If there has ever been a baseball team that represents corporate and capitalistic greed it is the New York Yankees. Hard Rock Cafe's have as little to do with baseball as baseball has to do with rock and roll and that is pretty much nothing. What is the point of this? Why not start opening up Hard Rock's in churches and high schools while they're at it, it makes just as much sense. Hooters and baseball I can see...Hard Rock, no freakin way. What a bunch of greedy bastards.

From Orlando Business Journal

There's Nothing Like Team Unity

It's the one thing when sports organizations talk about everyone working towards one goal from the owner to the support staff. It's another thing to see them do it. France was embarrassed in the first round of the Euro, Patrick Viera fought with his teammate Patrice Evra and manager Raymond Domenech proposed to his girlfriend after France's elimination to deflect attention from their abject failure. However we're not just talking about the players and the manager. It looks like everyone in the FFF including the coach driver bought into losing as a team.




via Ollie at Who Ate All The Pies

Bigger Is Better

This is, perhaps, the largest foosball table ever created. From the looks of the website, it was made by some German Dutch guys, here's what they have to say about their pride and joy:

Reclame stunt voor Amstel Bier, tijdens de finale van het Europese voetbalkampioenschap. Aan de tafel kunnen 2 complete elftallen spelen. De tafel is geheel demontabel en wordt in 6 flightcases vervoerd.

This, roughly translated, means "Please enjoy our fucking gigantic-ass table". You actually would need to have two complete football teams to even attempt to play this sucker which was originally created for an Amstel Beer commercial during the European Championship League Finals. Good luck getting enough friends together to actually make this competitive...but with enough alcohol, i'm sure attempting to play this would be fun as hell. Someone here in the states needs to make this.

Here's another picture so you can understand the enormity of this thing.

Wow.

From Airworks Inflatables

Chop Mor Chikin

We don't know whether a 40 foot, 15,000 lb tomahawk-chopping mechanical cow is a brilliant marketing ploy or the sign of something more sinister.

Anyone going to the June 20 Atlanta Braves game against the Seattle Mariners is encouraged to send us pictures of the vengeful cow currently being installed between the Coke bottle and out-of-town scoreboard.

The cow is part of an effort by Chick-fil-A to "[tie] the chicken sandwich chain to its Atlanta roots".

Chick-fil-A headquarters is on the south side of Atlanta and it has 131 outlets in the area. The Braves and the Chick-fil-A cows, part of a campaign that urges people to "Eat Mor Chikin," seemed a natural pairing, [Atlanta area marketing director for Chick-fil-A Robin] Ogle said.

"People have a fondness for the cows," Ogle said. "Anytime we can make a cow bigger and funnier, people love it. They respond to it."

Stereotypes are always funny especially when animals are involved. We're serious. The only thing funnier would be a tomahawk-chopping monkey.

Attempts were made to reach the BJP to ask about rumors that the cow is intended to let baseball-loving Sikhs and Muslims know that the party's reach is long and they can bring the religious ruckus by man or tomahawk-chopping holy beast.

Oh, we'll also take video of the cow.

Apes Don't Read Philosophy

"If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German! Singing 'Deutschland, Deutschland über alles...'"

The Swiss have always claimed to be neutral in international affairs and banking. They try to assuage our suspicions by inundating us with images of that slutty, foul temptress Swiss Miss. However they've finally overplayed their hand.

They may have gone a bit far in showing their loyalty by bringing back the good old days of the Third Reich. A Swiss television station ran the subtitles to the Nazi Germany anthem while playing the current German anthem before Germany played Austria in the Euro.

"It is an inexcusable error," said an employee in charge of the subtitling service for the satation, SRG, though he added it was the fault of two young editors.

Perhaps they were just following orders, Herr Employee.

Call Bill Parcells a "homo", that's a paddlin'.

Big Phil Is Smarter Than You

Portugal manager and Captain Ramsey doppelganger Luiz Felipe Scolari knows how to play the game. On July 1, he will start his new job as Chelsea manager. In the meantime, he's focused on the task at hand which is steering Portugal through the Euro.

No one doubts that lifting the trophy in Vienna is Scolari's main goal but he also has time to counsel his players on their club life. Rumors abound that he has advised Cristiano Ronaldo to transfer to Real Madrid. They are desperate to have him and willing to break the bank to make it happen.

Scolari has even praised him in front of the press during the tournament.

“Ronaldo’s secret thing is the one you all know. He is simple, humble and a magnificent worker. He is part of a group to which he is dedicated and has a will to win of such strength that I have never seen it in anyone else. The others in the group soak up this incredible will to win, dedication and talent. On top of that, he has all his technical qualities. For me, he is one of a kind."

Sir Alex Ferguson must be turning redder than usual as he watches Scolari push Ronaldo away from Manchester in order to ease Chelsea's path to another Premiership title. It's bad enough for him that Real has been blatantly tapping Ronaldo up for weeks. We can't wait to see how Scolari and Fergie get along especially if Ronaldo forces a transfer to Real. Bring on the new season already.

You Think The Animal Revolution Isn't Real

Think again. Now they're going back in time and trying to kill our young like the Terminator.

Guess Who's Back

His Worship Sir Sidney Ponson! So quickly we dismissed you. Buck up, Yankees fans. You may have lost Wang but he's not royalty. This is definitely an upgrade. This is like replacing a Bentley with a DeLorean. Can Bentleys fly? I think not.

If that doesn't get Yankees fans all hot and bothered, the Hard Rock Cafe is opening up in the new Yankee Stadium. Just when you thought overpriced, mediocre food couldn't get any better, it doesn't unless you consider more overpriced and more mediocre better. Famous Fajitas and Heavy Metal Margaritas a poppin' like apes. In the words of Mickey Rivers, "You think it don't be like it is but it do." It do, Mickey. It do indeed.

Euro 2008: Behind The Scenes

You're probably wondering how Italy made it to the knockout stages of the Euro when it looked like they would go out in the first round. Wonder no more. It's all because of a coked-up Romanian striker and Italian training.

Here's a look at a secret Italian training session. It worked in 2004 and 2006. No reason it won't work this year.

Orioles Magic Doesn't Work On Jesus Day

The Orioles have already exceeded the expectations of their fans this season. I should probably speak for myself. Yes, they're in last place but it's not a strong last place. The pitching and offense are much better than expected. However, there's one hurdle the O's can't seem to jump.

Jesus Quintana was right. Nobody fucks with the Jesus (NSFW - language). The Orioles can't win on Sundays. No one seems to know why and the team is getting desperate. Jay Payton is even considering animal sacrifice.

"We should just quit playing on Sundays and we'll be in first place," Jay Payton said. "It's just one of those stats. Maybe we need to cut the head off a monkey or something to switch it up. I think it's usually a chicken, but I'm thinking maybe a monkey would work. But that's animal cruelty. I wouldn't do that."

I bet Ramon Hernandez or Kevin Millar wouldn't hesitate. Aubrey Huff's the utility guy. Animal sacrifice must fall under the utility designation although he'd probably say that's horseshit.


** Sorry about the imbedded crap on the video but every clean version has been taken down or has no sound.

Spinoffs, talking bears and Stewie's sexual orientation. Seth McFarland on the next season of Family Guy and a possibly Family Guy movie.

No Way This Goes Wrong

Someone in the Chicagoland area must take one for the team and invite Jay Mariotti to Binny's on 1132 S. Jefferson on Friday at 11:30. I'd suggest putting a few in him and enough to down a wildebeest in yourself (if you volunteer) since you're going to spend time with him and possibly witness the greatest beatdown in Chicago history since the '85 Super Bowl.

Ozzie Guillen will be guest bartending at Binny's on Friday to celebrate their grand opening. He's always wanted a piece of Mariotti. We'd suggest getting Ozzie to do a couple shots with you to loosen him up. If you play your cards right, you may even get a little play to top off the evening.

He'll also being taking pictures and signing autographs for money which will go to charity. You get to give to charity, get drunk, see Mariotti take a beatdown and get some lovin'. Even if you can't get that douche to Binny's, you know someone's going to piss off Ozzie and get dealt with like Javon Walker. "Malibu on the fucking rocks? What the fuck do I look like to you, cabron??"

When You Don't Know What You're Doing Goes Right

It was only a year and a half ago that a collective scream of horror rose from thousands of bars and homes at the end of the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. It wasn't a scream of excitement over the amazing game. It was a scream of horror as Boise State running back Ian Johnson proposed to his girlfriend immediately after the win.

"What the hell are you doing?? Think about what you're doing!! Your stock's never going to be higher!! You idiot!!"

The proposal was only topped by Chris Myers' efforts to ruin the surprise. You may have agreed or disagreed with the timing of Johnson's proposal but there's no question it was strong. France manager Raymond Domenech got the wrong idea.

France was hustled out of Euro 2008 like Tracy McGrady out of the first round and Domenech thought it would be a great idea to propose to his lady friend during the post-match press conference.

"I have only one plan at the moment, it is to marry Estelle, " Domenech said when asked about whether he felt he had a future as France coach.

"And it is only this evening that I ask for her hand in marriage.

"I know it is difficult, but it is in moments like these that one has need of everyone, and I need her. "

Now that's a winning proposal. "Hey baby, my name is Raymond Domenech and I just oversaw the rape of France by the Netherlands, Italy AND Romania. I'm about to lose my job and move back in with my parents. So you wanna make this forever or what?" It worked for George Costanza so it should work for Domenech. Right? Right? ... Hello?

I Think Your Place Is Safe, Hon

Tight End Daniel Wilcox is willing to go to any end to show his dedication to the Baltimore Ravens. He'll stay late, come early ... and get married at M&T Stadium.

Baltimore Ravens tight end Daniel Wilcox is getting married in a couple of weeks to Shauna Chin, a former Ms. Belize. But the news here is that the ceremony will take place at the 50-yard line at M&T Bank Stadium, according to Wilcox's publicist. The bride will be carried into the stadium by a Cinderella-style horse-drawn carriage.

If he really wanted to show his love of the Ravens, he'd have Ms. Belize carried into the stadium of the shoulders of the Ravens' mascots, Edgar, Allen and Poe. Hopefully Art Donovan and Tony Siragusa will officiate the wedding. Wilcox better watch out for Ray Lewis. Everyone knows how he likes to be the center of attention. He'd probably run up to the 50-yard line during the ceremony and do his dance (as interpreted by Kevin Millar):



Letting rookie Tavares Gooden grab the mike during the end zone reception could also lead to some issues. No one wants to see Ms. Belize multiply that bitch up and get the Big Dick Bandit's dick size. Not the best way to build team unity. (Turn it down - NSFW)

From the Sacramento Bee:

Conspiracy theory – NBA fans hoping for a refresher course on Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference finals were left with just their memories Thursday after videos disappeared on YouTube.

The playoff series between the Kings and Los Angeles Lakers resurfaced in headlines Tuesday after disgraced former referee Tim Donaghy alleged in court papers that officials manipulated Game 6.

Video clips of the other games of that playoff series remain uploaded on YouTube, but Game 6 is no longer available through the site.

Where did the infamous game go? YouTube isn't saying.

"We do not comment on individual videos or video sets," a spokesperson said.

And so the conspiracy continues.

Does this look like a man who has had all he can eat? Are these the actions of an innocent league?

Groin kick specialist. I'm sure there's a space for him on special teams.

You See What Had Happened Was...

What can we say about Javon Walker? We had one take late last night when we first read about him being found unconscious in a Vegas hotel driveway with a broken orbital bone. Brian Griese feels but doesn't remember his pain.

This morning, we find out that he is an alleged robbery victim. Norm Clarke reports that he was at Body English until 7 AM spraying the crowd with over 15 bottles of Dom Perignon. He did the same thing on Saturday night at a different Vegas club. The receiver has a long history with tearing up the club in Vegas.

Walker asked Broncos coach Mike Shanahan for permission not to attend [murdered Broncos teammate Darrent] Williams' funeral in Texas [in 2007], saying he was too distraught. Walker flew to Las Vegas the weekend of the funeral and was seen at Tryst.

Walker recently signed a six-year deal with the Raiders after crying his way out of Green Bay and losing his job in Denver. Hopefully, he's the unlucky victim of a robbery attempt. We don't want to imply anything more devious at this point but he might want to consider keeping his ass out of Vegas for a while. Then again, he better watch his back in Oakland.


**Does anyone know how we can get our hands on some of those Telly Savalas Players Club cards? We've been looking for years with no luck. Vegas, baby.

The Mets Are Like School On A Saturday

The Mets finally pulled the trigger and fired manager Willie Randolph along with pitching coach Rick Peterson and first base coach Tom Nieto at 3 AM EST this morning. Minaya informed them of their firing after they returned to the team hotel following the Mets win over the Angels. Randolph will be replaced by bench coach Jerry Manuel.

If the decision to fire them was made, the team could have informed them before they left for California after Sunday's home doubleheader. Instead they let them fly out west then drop the hammer when everyone's asleep? Did they think informing them in the middle of the night would subject them to less scrutiny? The timing is the problem here. It's indicative of the way the Mets' ownership runs the organization. One can argue about whether the firings were warranted but Randolph and his coaches deserved better than a midnight firing and a walk of shame back east. Stay classy, Omar.

This Guy Had About The Worst Day Ever

You've had a rough day when you get gored by a bull, in the groin, like this poor fella here. Jesus! This is superstar matador Jose Tomas having a bad bad day Sunday receiving quite a massive injury to his groin but living to bullfight again another day. That's right, he received medical attention on the spot, and actually walked away from the ring. That is one tough dude. Stupid...but tough. For this battle however, its Bull 1, Matador 0.

Check out more amazing but stupid pictures from The Daily Mail

This Is Just Ridiculous

Kwame Kilpatrick: Amateur
Mayor For Life: Professional

The Disgrace Of Aruba

Arubans should hang their heads in shame. Their royalty has embarrassed them once again. Sir Sidney Ponson has been cut from the Texas Rangers from “for disrespecting teammates and club personnel”. Even the guys that "didn't kill" that girl are glad they aren't him today. He should just go back to Aruba and start living like King Ralph.

Carefree Wherever He May Be, He Is The Famous KG

Know Your IWFL Players

The Ahern Inquirer introduces you to the dreamboats of the IWFL. I'm all a goo goo over Go-Go! Sardines and pork and beans ... covered with gravy and extra Crisco.

Bono Is No Craig Bellamy

Bono knows nothing about being a humanitarian. He may roam the halls of the UN Building and US Capitol advocating on behalf of his causes. He may make crowds chant slogans about racial and religious harmony at U2 shows and point out the Sikh kid in the crowd to show we're all one people. He may have converted Jesse Helms but can he rumble a casino? I think not. Craig Bellamy would be happy to offer some lessons for a couple Tennants.

The West Ham striker and resident asshole began to rehab his image by opening a football academy in Freetown, Sierra Leone. That didn't last long. Bellamy is accused of attacking a charity worker in Freetown after losing money in a casino following an all day bender.

“He was playing on a roulette table when something seemed to upset him. He was shouting and squaring up to people at the table.

“A few seconds later he jumped on one guy and started wrestling with him on the floor.

“The guy involved was an Englishman who is in Sierra Leone to help raise money for a charity that works with children orphaned by the civil war.

Bouncers eventually broke up the scuffle, dragged Bellamy out a rear exit and dumped him in the casino parking lot.

“Bellamy’s eyes were glazed over and he was in a rage. There were casino chips flying in the air and all hell broke loose. It took the local bouncers several minutes to drag Bellamy out of the club and all the time he was shouting and screaming abuse at everyone.

Bellamy has a long history of being a dick. The Sun has a rundown of his greatest hits.

FEBRUARY 2007: Bellamy attacked his then Liverpool team-mate John Arne Riise with a golf club because the Norwegian refused to take part in a karaoke contest.

NOVEMBER 2006: He was cleared of assaulting two women in a Cardiff nightclub.

MARCH 2004: The then Newcastle player brawled with assistant manager John Carver and hurled a chair at him.

JULY 2003: Bellamy was charged with racially-aggravated harassment outside a Cardiff nightclub but later acquitted.

SEPTEMBER 2002: He was found guilty by video evidence of butting an opponent while playing for Newcastle.

FEBRUARY 2002: He received a caution for hitting a woman in a nightclub.

He's just doing it for the kids. Stay classy, Craig.

Where's Hawkeye When You Need Him

You'd think the losses of Albert Pujols and Adam Wainwright would be bad enough for the Cards. Add Yadier Molina to the wounded list. It's enough to drive LaRussa to the sauce.

Molina somehow avoided serious injury after this collision with the Phillies Eric Bruntlett at home plate yesterday.

Have $16,000 To Spare?

If you do, you can own a mint condition 1954 Hank Arron Rookie card by Topps which is up for sale on Ebay right now. That is just sick that the bidding is up to over $16,000 right now. The auction ends today, and who knows where the final price is going to end up. Its a shame that no athlete today's rookie card will ever be this valuable with the over production and over collecting of modern baseball cards. When this was made, people were sticking them in bicycle spokes to make their rides sound like motorcycles, now they're a down payment on a house.

From Ebay

When A Kiss Just Isn't A Kiss

We all remember that beautiful moment during the 2007 Black Super Bow ... All-Star weekend in Vegas when Charles Barkley and NBA referee Dick Bavetta made sweet love down by the fire. Maybe we're exaggerating a bit but their kiss could have been the sign of something more sinister. We're not talking James Dobson sinister. We're talking Pete Rose and Tim Donaghy. "The donkey kicks twice at midnight. Take the Washington Generals tomorrow, Chuck. They're due."

Much has been written about former NBA referee Tim Donaghy's latest allegations about gambling in the NBA. The New York Times reports that former referee Hue Hollins claimed extensive inquiries were made about Bavetta.

In addition to asking questions about Donaghy, Hollins said the agents inquired extensively about Bavetta. They asked if he ever noticed that Bavetta “was making sure that the home team would win, and I told them I had no idea because I didn’t work with him a lot.”

Hollins said the agents did not ask about a specific team, game or series and did not ask about Game 6 in 2002.

“They were very specific about their questioning, as though they had heard something,” Hollins said. “They knew exactly what they were going after.”

If Hollins is telling the truth about the FBI inquiries, there could much more to Donaghy's claims than the desperation of a doomed man. There's no way to know what other information the FBI has but it seems as though the NBA and David Stern are in for heavier scrutiny and his blanket denials may not hold weight much longer. Game 6 in 2002, the ending of Game 4 of the Lakers-Spurs series this season, the Game 5 suspensions of the Suns-Spurs series last season, etc. The denials already ring hollow with fans and many in the league.

Quit Breaking Milton Bradley's Heart

He may be named after games but love ain't one to Milton Bradley. Can't the Kansas City Royals see what they're doing to him? They're breaking his heart and making him feel like half the man he used to be. He loves himself so much that it just tears him up inside seeing himself get treated this way.

Bradley went postal again after being criticized by Royals announcer Ryan Lefebvre. He charged out of the Rangers clubhouse and up four flights of stairs looking for Lefebvre after hearing himself being called out on the clubhouse television. He got within 20 feet of the Royals announcer before being led back downstairs.

The Rangers outfielder started ranting and crying once he was back in the clubhouse and had to be comforted by teammates.

"I'm tired of people bringing me down," Bradley said. "It wears on you. I love you guys, all you guys. I'm strong, but I'm not that strong. All I want to do is play baseball and make a better life for my kid than I had."

Lefebvre wasn't sure why Bradley was so pissed off.

"It was a conversation about how Josh Hamilton has turned his life around and has been accountable for his mistakes," Lefebvre told The Associated Press. "Right now, it seems like the baseball world and fans are rooting for him. ... It doesn't seem like Milton Bradley has done the same thing in his life."

"We weren't tearing up Milton Bradley. I told (Washington and Daniels) this wasn't a Milton Bradley rip session, but just based on the pictures we've seen in this series of him walking to the dugout all the way to right field, dropping his bat, making gestures to the fans in right field and above the dugout and taunting them. He's the only person in baseball I know that does that type of stuff."

It sure quacks like a Milton Bradley rip session. Lefebvre claimed it was more about praising Hamilton than bringing down Bradley. Of course he couldn't compliment Hamilton without throwing Bradley under the bus.

The only person in baseball who does that kind of stuff? Meet the Washington Nationals. Elijah and Lastings would take exception to that comment.

Can't you see Milton has feelings, girl? He feels pain too. You think he throws water bottles at crowds, fights with managers and injures himself going after umpires for the fun of it? He does it for the kids.

Lefebvre shouldn't have tried to weasel out of his statements. Leave that weak shit to Chicago's favorite douchebag. However his comments certainly don't justify Bradley losing it (again) and going after him.

What's Up With The Fackin' Food, Sully?

The City of Boston would like you to know that Red Sox fans aren't the only things that can make you sick. It turns out the food at Fenway can have the same effect without the horrible accent.

Concession stands at Fenway "flunked city health inspections on more than a dozen health and safety measurements on Red Sox opening day April 8, from storing food at unsafe temperatures to failing to clean food preparation counters".

The violations were serious enough to pose a food poisoning risk to customers. Aramark had been warned about the violations a week before opening day but did nothing to address the problems.

The concession operator's response to the city's findings was so slow that the city threatened at a municipal court hearing to shut down Fenway Park's food stands if the problems were not fixed. Ultimately, 19 home games passed, and thousands of $4 hot dogs and $6 Italian sausages passed across the counters before the Red Sox concession stands finally passed a city health inspection on May 16.

Of course Boston fans will find some way to blame this on the Italians since the sausages are Italian. If that fails, there are always the gays and the blacks.

Washington residents think they have it bad with Poplar Point? They should be glad the Yankees aren't in DC. How does $400 million more for the new Yankee Stadium sound?

Since we brought it up, here are some artist renderings of the proposed Poplar Point development.

When Mexican Standoffs Go Wrong

One would think being Mexican would give Mexican goalkeeper Oswaldo Sanchez an advantage over the Chicago police in a Mexican standoff. One would be wrong.

Sanchez was arrested at the Mexican team hotel in Chicago following Mexico's match against Peru at Soldier Field last Sunday. The police were called to the hotel following several noise complaints from hotel guests about music blasting from a player's room.

"As usually happens after the games, we couldn't sleep," he said.

Hotel security twice asked the players to turn the volume down but the noise continued and, on the third occasion, the police were called, Sanchez said.

"I went into the corridor to try to calm down the situation and ask them not to take any of my mates, but they grabbed me, sprayed tear gas at me and took me to the police station," Sanchez said.

"I went into the corridor to try to calm down the situation and ask them not to take any of my mates, but they grabbed me, sprayed tear gas at me and took me to the police station," Sanchez said.

Sanchez was released after two hours. He's required to show up for court on July 11. It's unlikely The Sanchez Chronicles will come close to The Kelly Chronicles unless someone videotaped him pissing on a cop.

Either something was lost in translation or the Chicago police don't play when it comes to noise complaints. Showing up in riot gear and throwing tear gas canisters in a closed space like a hotel hallway would definitely kill any noise.

Pops Got Hops

That's the last time Dad visits me at college.



That's more dunking than you'll ever see in the WNBA.

Harry Allen says, "Don't believe the hype".

Ex NFL'er Orlando Brown Dreams Big

Some people when they retire have dreams of being a movie star, a television analyst, a musician, or even the writer of the world's next great novel. Not Orlando Brown, he dreams bigger...and fatter. Orlando Brown is bringing the Washington DC/Baltimore area their first Fatburger franchises, 10 of them to be exact.

For those of you who haven't been out to the West Coast, Fatburger specializes in fresh, juicy, not fast food big ass burgers that are, for comparison sake, a step up from the utterly delicious In-And-Out burgers and will provide a bit of competition from the area's own Five Guys franchises.

Brown may be blind as a bat in one eye for all we know, you might remember him as the guy that was hit in the eye by an official's weighted flag and had his career ruined because of it, but the man can spot a tasty ass burger and has a dream.

“When I was hurt, I kept saying ‘When I’m done with football I’m going to need something to take that place,’” said Brown, who said he became a fan of the chain during his recuperation.

“I can afford [to get by] with the lawsuit money,” he said, “but I want to work and get my hands dirty.”

The idea of someday owning the entire chain or at least being a major player in the operations is also on Brown’s list of goals. He said he hoped to turn his South Carolina farm into a cattle ranch and Fatburger’s primary beef vendor. But for now, he said he is excited about making his mark with his first restaurant.

“At my place, the customer is always right,” Brown said. “Even if they throw the burger at you [because they don’t like it], you just go back there and cook them another one.”

Apparently that void has been filled by attempting to become a burger franchise magnate. I'm kind of excited to have a Fatburger here in the area, although truth be told, I'd rather have an In-And-Out or White Castle here. Hell, I'd even take a Sonic. While I dig the Five Guys burger, it is nice to have the variety.

The first location of his chain of burger joints is going to be in Columbia, MD and Brown has his eyes in Washington, D.C., next to Howard University Medical Center and College Park, MD near the new IKEA shopping complex with other restaurants to open in Baltimore and elsewhere in the DC/MD area.

Dream big fat man, dream big.

From Maryland Daily Record

Photo Credit: Eric Stocklin

Mike Hart Channels Drunk, Idiot Kicker

Former Michigan and current Indianapolis Colts running back Mike Hart just doesn't know when to be quiet. He should have learned his lesson when he called out Stanford head coach Jim Harbaugh for criticizing Michigan's low academic standards for athletes.

"He says we don't have great student-athletes, but he just accepted one of our transfers," Hart said. "What kind of sense does that make? Obviously, he wants guys like us at his school. I don't know how he can say that. He's not a Michigan man. I wish he'd never played here."

Just think. Michigan might have beaten Appalachian State if Harbaugh played there last season.

It turned out Harbaugh was telling the truth for the most part. The Michigan football team was all about general studies and not communications. According to Pat Forde, "only one junior ... declared a major, according to the guide (in movement science)" in 2007. "In 18 years of covering college athletics, I've never seen virtually an entire junior class without a major."

Now Hart's gone and done it again. The sixth round pick is claiming that the NFL isn't as hard as he thought it would be.

"It's a little different," Hart said Saturday at Randy Wise Chevrolet in Flint, where he signed autographs. "The only surprise is it's not as tough as I thought it was going to be, as far as practice and those type of things," he said. "It's more laid back."

Hart was selected in the sixth round of the April draft by the Indianapolis Colts. He said: "Indianapolis is a different organization. You watch 'Hard Knocks' on HBO and you expect to be hazed and a lot of those things, but the Colts are a lot different. It's not as bad as I thought -- we don't get taped, we don't get hazed with the Colts."

Hopefully Hart thinks OTAs are similar to training camp. The coaches and veterans must love hearing him say practice isn't that hard or that he's not getting hazed. It'll be interesting to see if he thinks the same way when he's duct taped to a bed while getting teabagged by a camel during training camp. Then again we probably have it wrong. Tony Dungy probably has his players read his book and go out on the town to haze gays while Marvin Harrison shoots off his guns like a Palestinian prisoner release celebration.

The game of chess is like a swordfight. You must think first before you move. Welcome to WuChess. I'd give anything to take on Big Baby Jesus. Instead, I'll have to settle for Cappadonna.

Manny Acta And Elijah Dukes Dont See Eye To Eye

Here's the footage of Manny Acta and Elijah Dukes going at it in the dugout after Lastings Milledge hit a homer to give the Nationals the league. Needless to say, they are not happy with each other for some reason.

What is going on here? Was it the celebration after the home run that has the normally mild mannered Acta on tilt? Dukes, never one to back down from a challenge, didn't take his dugout dressing down by the manager well, yelling back at the skipper and refusing to high five him after the game.

Does anyone else smell a suspension coming? What happened here? Is this the alarm ringing on the ticking time bomb that is Elijah Dukes or just a young man not willing to back down when his coach goes after him. I wonder what set Acta off that bad?

We Were All On Vacation!

Have you noticed an increasing nervousness over the past week? A feeling of impending doom that you couldn't place? Don't feel bad. You were just channeling Austrian terror. Ze Germans are back!

The last time the Germans went on holiday in Europe en masse, they took the Sudetenland and a world war started. This time, they were not so lucky. Over 200 Germans were arrested on Sunday following Germany's 2-0 win over Poland in Euro 2008.

Many of the fans were chanting "Seig Heil" and other Nazi slogans. "Only about a dozen of those arrested were not German". Israel has to be glad it didn't qualify for the finals.

It's good to see the Austrians step up this time as opposed to running and singing in the mountains or just giving up like the French. The Deuce is all about the cheap WWII joke. We'd say we'd be here all week but we can't even promise that.

The New Old Hotness? Pushball!

Now that roller derby and kickball and bocce ball (yes bocce ball, that might have to be another post) have turned into this generation's new urban hipster type games, some more hip than others...*cough**ahem*kickball sucks*cough*, is it time to revive some more old hotness? I say yes, and thus, let us usher in the new age of Pushball! What is it? Check it out below.

Sure you say it looks fun. Bunch of guys on a field, big giant ball, how can that not be fun? So how do you play? Well its pretty easy, at least so says this Wikipeida article on it:

Pushball is a game played by two sides on a field usually 140 yd (128 m) long and 50 yd (45.7 m) wide, with a ball 6 ft (1.83 m) in diameter and 50 lb (22.7 kg) in weight. The sides usually number eleven each, there being five forwards, two left-wings, two right-wings and two goal-keepers. The goals consist of two upright posts 18 ft (5.5 m) high and 20 ft (6.1 m) apart with a crossbar 7 ft. from the ground. The game lasts for two periods with an intermission. Pushing the ball under the bar counts 5 points; lifting or throwing it over the bar counts 8. A touchdown behind goal for safety counts 2 to the attacking side.

How bout that? I want me some of this action, lord knows this would be infinently cooler than kickball and bocce ball combined, but I think I might need some live action video just to get an idea what Modern Pushball is like. Oh...well look what we have here:

Yea this sport rocks. Someone needs to set up a Pushball League here in DC for me and in NYC for Mustafa. My pushball skillz need to be showcased!

Image from Shorpy

Darryl Strawberry Teachin Them Kids Right

I couldn't think of a better place for a former all-star cokehead than teaching young baseball players how to be professional ball players. Darryl Strawberry is a roving instructor for the New York Mets organization, a job given to him by Mets VP and GM Omar Minaya where Straw will visit the affiliates from the rookie leagues to Class AAA.

Last weekend, Strawberry was at the single A Savannah Sand Gnats complex giving all sorts of advice to their young hitters, something he wishes he had when he was coming up to the majors:

"We didn't have that when I came up. You had to learn the hard way. You had to learn the hard knocks of life. It's life. It's a journey. It's the same thing for these younger guys.

"I try to explain to them about the life of playing professional sports, the temptations and the people. You've got to be extremely careful about who you deal with."

Certainly these kids are going to listen to this guy when he tells them how to get to the majors and what not to do to stay there. Straw had a world of talent and he could have been a hall of fame player were it not for his addictions, for him to talk to the kids in the Mets single A team is like the baseball equivalent of Scared Straight to these kids.

"Do you wake up in the morning and feel like you have to kill somebody??"

I have to think besides teaching the normal hitting, fielding, time management and psychological aspects of the game of baseball, Darryl is also telling the kids some other fine points about managing life in the big leagues such as:

- How to have a ho' in every visiting town

- How to not get said ho' pregnant

- How to keep said ho' quiet about her ho'ing around with you

- How to do a proper line of blow off said ho's ass

- How not to mix the uppers with the downers

Well you get the point...oh yea, and if you don't remember scared straight, here's some bonus footage for ya.

From Savannah Morning News/Savannah Now
Photo by Richard Drew / AP

Jose Guillen Reminds Me Of Somone

Is it me or is Jose Guillen starting to look a little like a combination of these two guys nowadays?

Could just be me...

Maybe not

Constitutional Vol. "Lets Link It Up"

Its been awhile for the links since I've been in and out of here, so lets throw up a bunch of stuff that's been sittin around the ole inbox for the past couple weeks. Welcome to the Constitutional:

• I was agreeing with this story up until the point where she actually chose a team to root for...I on the other hand want both the Celtics and Lakers to lose. Idle Chatter
  


• The press isn't thinking highly of the DellMichael Curry hire. Mlive.com
  


• Here's the Ken Griffey Jr. home run video. I'm Writing Sports
  


• How to grade your female prospects like MLB does it's player prospects...playa. Rumors and Rants
  


• We apparently are still in the running to be Deadspin's new editor in chief. Hugging Harold Reynolds
  


• Even though no one is giving us any odds at all at the chance. For shame. AOL Fanhouse
  


• Why isn't Jeff Van Gundy getting any looks at head coaching gigs? Stet Sports
  


• Get your Brooks Robinson and Eddie Murray drank on! Mr. Irrelevant
  


• Baseball has plenty of drug problems with Ritalin and Adderall. Newsweek
  


• Here's a breakdown of the 10 worst sports broadcasters. Maxim
  


• The Sporting News is making another attempt at remaining a viable business. Can't Stop the Bleeding
  


• The Dutch just handled Italy...absolutely handled them. The Beautiful Game
  

An Aside

Yea, we haven't been as prolific as we normally are lately. Its all my fault, I just moved in with the fiance last weekend and I'm still figuring out how to blog while still going to bed at a reasonable hour. This is new for me, I normally do my best work between 1am and 4am but the lady doesn't much like the pitter patter of blogging all night in our 1br apartment, so I'm adjusting a bit here. Until I figure it out, our posting might be a bit sporadic, but we are not going anywhere, dont you worry. This ends your public service announcement.

Dan Snyder Now Controls Your Radio

He finally did it. Dan Snyder has purchased the biggest sports talk radio station in DC, WTEM Sportstalk 980. Snyder purchased 3 low powered DC area radio stations in 2006 creating his own Redskins Radio network and he has used these stations to essentially become the Fox News Channel of Redskins news. Instead of spreading Republican propaganda, it spreads Redskins propaganda.

Broadcaster and Redskins play by play man Larry Michael has been the Bill O'Reilly of Redskins radio, always saying whatever the boss man upstairs tells him to and sticking to the company's agenda. Michael spends most of his time spreading nothing but unbelievably positive news from Redskins Park essentially turning himself into the Baghdad Bob of sports talk radio. A great quote about how bad Michael has become is from the Washington Post's Redskin beat reporter Jason LaCanfora:

There's "The Voice of the Redskins" Larry Michael, who would spew the company line about anything, anytime. I'm not even sure he has to be asked anymore. I'm thinking the mindwashing is complete by now and Michael is thoroughly reprogrammed.

Its only natural to assume that one can expect 980 to eventually become similar to the existing Redskins Radio stations because Snyder isn't overly fond of media criticism since he got burned so bad when he first took control of the team and has been pummeled in the media since (including by this blog). Sadly for 980, it was and currently is the only sports talk radio station in town that is always critical of all of the sports teams in the nations capital, including the Redskins, and now that freedom to be critical of everything without big brother's corporate oversight might be lost.

Its almost a certainty that 980 will switch from being a Fox Sports Radio station and back to an ESPN Radio station (which it was before Snyder got the contract in 2006 with the creation of the Redskins Radio Network) which almost certainly means no more Czaban in the morning and back to the horrid Mike & Mike. That alone will make me listen to less radio...or maybe i'll have to tune into the Junkies...ugh. Lets hope that that will be the only change that Snyder implements. Even Jesus doesn't approve of this...

When I Cook Beef, The Smoke Will Never Clear

Bill O'Reilly is going be pissed when he finds out that his trumped-up war between GE and himself doesn't carry any weight. The real war doesn't even include him. We're talking News Corp. CEO Rupert Murdoch vs. Keith Olbermann.

Murdoch recently spoke at a Wall Street Journal conference and covered a wide range of topics from the presidential election to newspaper industry's decline. He was also asked a question about Keith Olbermann and whether he would hire him.

"No, I fired him five years ago...He's crazy."

Olbermann wasted no time in responding and elaborated on the circumstances of his firing from Fox Sports. It turns out he may have gotten involved in affairs that did not concern him such as the potential purchase of the Los Angeles Dodgers by Murdoch. Unfortunately he didn't have a sprightly Chinese sidekick to save his ass from the ax.

Here's Olbermann's response in full from Mediabistro.com.

Firstly, the quote is, according to AlleyInsider.Com, "he was crazy."

I appreciate the difference and apparently Rupert does, too.

But this is actually quite a news story (for a very small group of people who worked with me at Fox Sports, and people who covered tv at the time). I had already been the host of Fox's Baseball coverage for two years when, in April of 2001, I got a tip from outside NewsCorp that Rupert was unofficially shopping the Los Angeles Dodgers, which Murdoch at that time owned. I confirmed the story with an excellent baseball source, then immediately went up my chain of command at Fox. They all said "if it's solid, go with it," but I suggested we get the corporate viewpoint on this, so they put me in touch with Rupert's PR guy in New York.

I said, in short, this is your candy store, if you don't want me to run this, I'm not running it, and I'm not leaking it, but at minimum you should know the story's out there. And the guy's answer was, thanks for thinking of us, here's our official denial, please report it and whatever your sources tell you, just please make clear that none of your sources are within the company (baseball was, and is, extremely touchy about when a team is, or isn't, "officially" for sale, and woe betide the owner who makes a deal before the "officially" kicks in).

So I ran the Dodgers-Are-Unofficially-For-Sale story (with the "the sources aren't NewsCorp" caveat taking almost as long as the story itself) and everything was swell. And two weeks later, the day before the annual Fox Baseball Meeting convened in L.A., my agent was suddenly notified "he's no longer the host for baseball." This is a week or so before our first game of the week. A day or two later it was "come in and clean out your office."

And a day or so after that I got a call from a friend who's a prominent tv sports beat writer, and he says, I'm hearing Rupert Murdoch just found out about your Dodgers story and personally ordered you fired.

It had never crossed my mind that the two things weren't coincidental. I never could prove that that's what happened, but nor did I ever get any other answer as to why they took me off, considering that in two years we'd been twice nominated for the Emmy for best studio sportscast — and won once (with our competition being all the ESPN shows and hour-long NFL extravaganzas). Months later, the guy who ran sports, David Hill, told another tv sports beat writer that he still thought I was the best sportscaster in the world.

So: I appreciate Rupert finally owning up to firing me because I followed his rules.

And as to the "crazy" part, he had to pay me $800,000 for the rest of 2001, and lord knows how many tens of millions I've helped MSNBC take out of his pocket ever since — so: who's crazy?

Don't you know you don't cross Elliot Carver and his Aryan henchmen? I guess Olbermann didn't know the ledge. However he did get the better of Murdoch in Round 1. It's also interesting to see that Fox Sports is run in a similar fashion to Al-Jazerra English. Don't stray too far from the party line, Brett.

Wondering if Hideki Irabu is still awesome at sucking? Wonder no longer, my fat toad.

What's The Worst That Could Happen?

Donnie Walsh and the Knicks are hedging their bets and praying to Jesus, Buddha and Allah that Stephon Marbury won't be a problem this upcoming season. Don't count on it.

Perhaps an Aztec or Mayan sacrifice would do the trick. Here's a thought. Use Starbury for the sacrifice. If that's too messy, pour BBQ and hot sauce on him and let Eddy Curry eat him like a boa on a small mammal. He must have a detachable jaw. Problem solved either way. A salary cap hit is a small price to pay for peace of mind.

What Happened To Superstition?

Good thing Stevie Wonder's blind. He'd be crushed if he could see how the Lakers and Spurs are abandoning superstition. Whatever happened to not touching the championship trophy until you win it? No respect I tell ya.

Kobe's molesting the Larry O'Brien trophy during photo shoots like a Colorado hote....ah that's too easy. Meanwhile Kevin Garnett and Adidas are putting out special edition Team Signature Commander shoes for the NBA Finals.

Adidas will produce only eight pairs per game of this shoe to be sold at retail (as few as 28 and as many as 58, depending on the length of the Finals). One pair autographed by KG will be auctioned off on NBA.com after the Finals, with the proceeds going to NBA Cares community partners in the Boston area.

The shoe won't be launched until October but Garnett plans to wear a pair with the LOB trophy on the side. It seems like he's tempting fate but humping the trophy has to be much worse. Take note, sports books.

‘‘All season long it has been about we and not me, so as we head into the NBA Finals I wanted to do something special for the Boston community. That is why we came up with this limited edition shoe,’’ Garnett said in a statement. ‘‘Since day one, the fans of Boston have made me feel like family, so to do this and be able to give back to them is a great honor.’’

Auctioning off a pair of shoes should make KG as loved as Dave Roberts in Boston win or lose. The proceeds could surely feed a small African country like Djibouti or Uranus. We're only playing. At least he's doing something for the community unlike ODB.

It's Alive! The Return Of Inside the NFL

It didn't take long for Inside The NFL to make its return to the airwaves. NFL.com reports that Showtime and CBS Sports have decided to pick up the series for air on Showtime.

The show will be produced by CBS Sports and NFL Films and will premiere on Showtime on Wednesday, Sept. 10 (9 p.m. ET/PT). It will air each Wednesday throughout the season through Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2009 ... The talent team for Inside the NFL on Showtime will be announced in the coming weeks.

ProFootballTalk.com sources claim that the HBO cast will be replaced by CBS "talent" including Jim Nantz, Dan Marino, Boomer Esiason and Charlie Casserly.

It's understandable that CBS would want to use their current talent instead of using others that work for competing networks or who might be more expensive. The upside to using the current crop is that there's still a chance we could see the following again:





We notice Shannon Sharpe isn't rumored to be joining the rest of the NFL Today crew on Showtime. Hopefully this means they'll be adding an Emmitt Smith or Eric Dickerson.

Doomsday Device: The Cure For Vertigo

It's not bad enough that unsavory wrestling promoters screw over wrestlers. Now the medical profession thinks it can step in and take credit for maneuvers created by wrestlers.

MSNBC is reporting that the American Academy of Neurology has come up with a "series of gentle head and neck movements known as the canalith repositioning procedure" as the fastest, easiest way to cure BPPV or vertigo.

There's just one problem. They didn't come up with it. Aminal and Hawk may have something to say about that. They've been doing it since the 80s.

Jump to 7:30 unless you want to watch the whole match.

Forgiveness Please: The Alou-Bartman Story

Media outlets reported that Moises Alou forgave Steve Bartman for interfering in that fateful play during the 2003 NLCS. Of course, the Deuce was all over it like the best sports blogging team on the internet. We should just repeat that phrase in every post like a couple of insecure bloggers. Right, Wolf?

I was going to use a political analogy to describe the Alou-Bartman saga but I couldn't decide between Scott McClellan and Robert Byrd. It appears that Alou's advanced age and injuries have finally affected his mental, see. Either that or Alou was playing a cruel April Fool's joke on Bartman. It turns out that Alou now thinks he would have made that catch after all.

Joe Capozzi of the Palm Beach Post reports that Alou now says Bartman did prevent him from making that catch.

"I had it,'' Alou said Wednesday in the Mets' clubhouse. "I make that catch, (the playoffs would have been a) different story.''

In March, Associated Press columnist Jim Litke wrote that he ran into Alou last summer at a department store where the outfielder said he wouldn't have caught that famous foul that hit Bartman's hand in the eighth inning of Game 6, prolonging an inning in which the Marlins later rallied for the lead.

..."Everywhere I play, even now, people still yell, 'Bartman! Bartman!' I feel really bad," Alou, a Cubs left fielder in 2003, was quoted as saying. "You know what the funny thing is? I wouldn't have caught it anyway."

Wrong, Alou said Wednesday.

"I don't remember that,'' he said. "If I said that, I was probably joking to make (Bartman) feel better. But I don't remember saying that.''

Tony Tarasco feels your pain, Moises. Good thing Alou is on the permanent DL. He can nurse this hurt along with the physical ones.

Chelsea Yeah

I'm over Chelsea's loss in this season's Champions League final yeah. So's this Chelsea fan yeah.



What is penalties yeah? I'm Chelsea straight through and through like him yeah. I still love Winston Bogarde and Chris Sutton. I'll always love them yeah. Chelsea yeah?

Actual NYC Fight Club?

In Union Square, in the heart of NYC, a fight club exists. No it doesn't seem to be like the movie where the only rule of fight club is that you do not talk about fight club, the site And I Am Not Lying got tipped to it by an email from a friend. Its also not done at night in a basement of a dive bar, its done in broad daylight in the middle of a park. The fighting however, is very real.

Take this guy below for example, Mr. Afro Puffs we'll call him. This guy's fighting style consists of taking wild ass swings with one arm, while the other one is behind his back. All while intimidating the opponent with a duck over his crotch, for protection of course.

There's a couple more videos by And I Am Not Lying here and you should totally check out that site with a great breakdown of the events along with some investigative blogging that we could only hope to come close to doing...but never will

Anyway here's the videos:

It figures that something like this would happen in NYC, I'd love to see it happen here in DC, but I doubt the authorities would allow it to happen. Too many killjoys here in our nations capital. If anyone else finds more of these, send us some pics, we'd love to see it.

From And I Am Not Lying

All The Shards Of Glass You Can Handle

There's something glorious about watching a basketball player shatter a backboard with a thunderous dunk. Its even more special to watch a 4 minute compilation of dunks destroying backboards. This is just fun right here.

What has 10 legs, $300, and a hell of a lot of balls?

This guy. This kid apparently doesn't take "Get Out!" for an answer. Not only did he throw the octopus in the Pens arena, but he had the guts (and money) to sneak back in with a scalped ticket. I'm sure his face made it onto the JumboTron as he was esscorted out so he is damn lucky this game wasn't on the other side of Pennsylvania. Flyers fans would've kicked his ass.

Rasheed Wallace Has Nothing On Andre Luis

Rasheed Wallace is known for being an ejection magnet. His ability to attract technicals and flagrants knows no bounds. He could be one of the most prolific athletes when comes to getting bounced. Botafogo's Andre Luis might have something to say about that.

Luis was sent off after receiving a second yellow for a foul. Instead of leaving peacefully, he flipped off the crowd, kicked a bottle into the stands, rumbled with the riot police causing his teammates to get involved and was re-arrested only after the police had to use batons and pepper spray on him and his fellow players.



Nice to see the coppers have time for an interview while beating and arresting players. Cops em Brasil could be a hit. The bar has just been raised, Sheed.