Adventures in Cheap-Asstackery

So, Washington DC has built the Lerner family-owned Nationals one hell of a shiny new stadium to the tune of $650,000,000. It even opened on time. I seem to recall Ryan Zimmerman hitting a game winning home run on opening night!

Apparently, though 45,000 fans packed into the stadium handing the Lerners $8 for a beer doesn't mean the stadium is "complete". See, the team offices in the stadium still need some spit and polish, so the city is letting them use the old RFK offices for free until all the "Hang in There Baby" posters can be leveled. Do the Lerners say "thanks for the new home, looking forward to the new offices"? Of course not, that wouldn't be up to the high standards of DC-area sports owner douche-bagocracy. Nope, instead, they try to get another $100k/day out of the city and its taxpayers. Hmmm, wonder what they would do with that extra money. Players who can hit the ball? Pitchers who can actually get it over the plate? Or maybe they'll just squeeze in a few more seats behind home plate that noone wants to pay for.

Your Champions League Handicapper

You want to know who to support in today's Champions League final. Go with the winner.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas who is a Manchester United fan questioned Kevin Garnett's loyalty to Chelsea.

Ilgauskas said: “We talked about it after one of the games because I had spoken to our local paper and said KG wasn’t really a proper Chelsea fan.

“I didn’t know he was such a big fan so he was giving me a hard time.

“I guess he really is a big Chelsea fan!”

Winners stick with winners. That's all you need to know. Now I go hide in a corner with my thoughts until 2:45.

Pete Doherty: Sportsman

Babyshambles' Pete Doherty is like school on a Saturday. No class. If he's not combining with Amy Winehouse to form a diseased, drug-addled version of Voltron, he's getting kicked out of Millwall's ground.

Doherty was "escorted" from The Den by security after being caught pissing in a trophy in the chairman's office.

One of the security guards was tipped off that Pete was trying to take a trophy. When he checked it out he found that Pete wasn’t nicking it, he was filling it up. He is a huge QPR fan and thought it would be a laugh to leave a little surprise.

You would think they would have hauled him into a backroom and beat that ass like a rented mule. Their hooligans probably didn't want to get any number of diseases from any transfer or contact with his bodily fluid. The fluid combination of him and Winehouse is probably more deadly than a komodo dragon's saliva.

The Spurs Can't Get No Respect

Hey Fabricio, don't tell 'em you're Argentinian? Oh you are? Get out of my hotel.

The San Antonio Spurs are going to the Western Conference Finals for the umpteenth time and they still can't get any love. They were forced to sleep on their plane after winning their Game 7 against the Hornets due to mechanical problems and a lack of hotel rooms in New Orleans. It's a shame to think the hotel industry showed more defense and outside perimeter hustle than the Hornets.

It's a good thing the Spurs found a place to sleep. If this happens late in their series against the Lakers or in the Finals should they get there, they may end up ass out. Their airline, Champion Air is going out of business. They better hope they don't get Detroit in the finals. You ever try sleeping outside in Detroit? I've seen Robocop. I want no part of that.

Then again Boston wouldn't be much better. A bunch of guys named Sully would probably mess with them every night in the park. "Hey why is theah ah so many blackies in the pahk?"

I Won't Not Never Do It Again

If you missed Ernie Johnson's interview with Charles Barkley about his gambling debt on the TNT pregame show last night, here's the video.



Barkley says he can handle it on his own and says he's not going to gamble again before qualifying it by saying he won't gamble for a year... Best of luck to Sir Charles.

Bring the ruckus in Moscow? That's a beatin'.

Moose Has Pacman Fever

Daryl Johnston likes him some Pacman. He thinks the locker room can keep him in check and make him the Pacman on the right. That sounds like Bill Maas silly talk. You can't hold the Pacman.

Feed the Children is code for Take Care of the Kid. That's what he's gonna be telling the Dallas-area strippers as he makes it rain. Who knows? T.O. might even get him involved in some porn.

You Do Not Know Who You Are F**king With

David Beckham ain't about to take shit from a guy who can't even spell Serious. Watch his reaction to a hard tackle from FC Dallas defender, Adrian Serioux.



Beckham wasn't content with Serioux's sending off.

As Serioux tromped off the field at Pizza Hut Park, Beckham blew him a couple of kisses and then curled up his fingers and gave him a few farewell waves. That riled up the record crowd of 22,331, and from then on they booed Beckham every time he touched the ball.

Beckham's response? After laying on the perfect cross for Edson Buddle to head home his third goal of the game and the Galaxy's fifth, Beckham turned to the crowd and put his right forefinger to his lips in a shushing motion."

You mess with Goldenballs and you get the boot.

I Used To Believe In You, JaMarcus

Jamarcus Russell with Fats Domino. See that's the idea.

My disappointment knows no bounds. JaMarcus Russell showed up to Raiders minicamp only weighing in at 269 pounds. I expected better of him. Rumors had him weighing over three bills. That's the kind of dedication that shows me something. I wanted him so fat that he couldn't get his fingers between the laces. I wanted to see him run out of breath walking from the huddle to the line. It would have made the Raiders ineptitude so much more fun to watch. Football is dead to me unless JaMarcus bacons up that sausage or changes his name to Jermajesty.

Francesco Totti Sleeps With The Fishes

The Roma striker may have ended up floating in the Tiber if Inter Milan's tailor had his way.

Tailor Domenico Brescia was "revealed to be a convicted murderer who is close to the Crisafulla Mafia clan". The Telegraph reports that Italian police suspect he is also a coke dealer.

Brescia's telephone was tapped and thousands of conversations were taped including ones with Inter players and manager Roberto Mancini. Most calls were innocent. Others? Not so much.

However, in one call Mr Mancini is recorded discussing Daniele Bizzozzero, a Mafioso associate of Brescia's who had fled to Monte Carlo and then Paris in a bid to escape the police.

"What happened to him," Mr Mancini is heard asking. "How was he arrested? I told him to stay [in Paris] and wait for a pardon."

Brescia then said that Bizzozzero was stupid, to which Mr Mancini replied: "He has always behaved well with me."

What the hell is Mancini doing telling some Mafia guy to stay on the lam? How does he have knowledge of this situation?

Mancini is most likely out of a job after winning the Scudetto this past weekend even after fans harassed Luis Figo for allegedly running over a black cat on purpose. Rumors have Mancini replacing Avram Grant at Chelsea next season. Just what we need. A shady Russian owner and a Mafia consigliere. I suspect the number of favorable calls on the pitch will shoot up should Mancini take over the reins.

Police don't intend to prosecute anyone at Inter because that's the Italian way from Berlusconi on down. The club claimed to have let Brescia go after finding out the full extent of his criminal history yet the conversation with Mancini shows that some at the club knew his background.

I'm not going to front. I still think Jean-Claude Van Damme is brilliant. I can't wait for The Quest II: Electric Boogaloo. However this is nowhere near brilliant.

You Sir Are A Buffoon

The goalkeeping magic continues...

Chris Henry: Visionary

Old and busted: Cincinnati Bengals
New hotness: Miami Dolphins

Not many among us are prescient beings. Most of you go through life stumbling from one unfortunate incident to the next hoping that it's not as bad as the one before it. There are the few who have the ability to see the future. Like Nostradamus and Warren Buffet, Chris Henry is one of the few.

The Miami Dolphins have already had four players in trouble with the law this off-season. Will Allen was just the latest. The former Bengal knows trouble when he sees it and he's not going to miss his opportunity to be part of Cincinnati South under Bill Parcells.

Talented former Bengals receiver Chris Henry, on house arrest, said by phone he ''would love to play for'' the Dolphins, Saints or Cowboys. But it's hard to fathom Bill Parcells pursuing someone who has had multiple legal problems and faces a potential NFL suspension after a March arrest for misdemeanor assault and criminal damage. ''That situation isn't what it seems,'' Henry said. ``I regret a lot that has happened.''

Me thinks the man that tolerated a raging coke fiend like LT should have no problem with Henry. He's embraced Ricky Williams and ostracized Jason Taylor. We see where his priorities are and so does Chris Henry.

We Were All On Vacation!

Being a British secret agent? Priceless. Losing your job because your wife was one of the prostitutes involved in the Max Mosley nazi sex orgy? Nah, that's priceless.

In an extraordinary turn of events yesterday, MI5 was forced to deny through Whitehall channels that the orgy had been a “sting” that it had set up to discredit Mosley. “Any suggestion that the service was involved in setting up Mosley is total nonsense,” a senior Whitehall official said.

The official did disclose, however, that one of MI5’s officers had left the agency after his wife’s involvement as a call girl in the orgy became known. “I cannot talk about individual cases, but we do expect high standards of behaviour from all staff at all times, both professionally and privately,” the official said.

The officer forced to resign was working in surveillance. How the hell do you miss seeing this? The MI5 officer's wife Mistress Abi was the one that sold the story to the News of the World.

Mosley is the current head of F1 racing and was caught on tape engaging in an orgy with a Nazi theme. His father was a well known facsist in the 30s and 40s who witnessed Adolf Hitler's wedding in addition to heading up a fascist party in Britain.

Straight cash homey.

Clinton Portis Is A Fan of Country Music

Clinton Portis is a fan of country music or he just likes to keep his boss happy...or maybe just both. In any case, Portis was spotted at the 2008 Country Music Awards, which is, coincidentally enough, now owned by Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder as part of his $175 million purchase of Dick Clark Productions. I wonder if he was the Danny's date? Its a wonder that Chad Johnson didn't make an appearance at the event in some crazy attempt to give Snyder another reason to want to trade for him. Kid Bro Sweets knows where his bread is buttered, Johnson should've known how to play the game right. Clinton also knows not to get his picture taken at such an event because attendance at such an event immediately lowers a bit of his street cred and with no available photographic proof, he can always use plausible denial...and he doesn't end up looking like this jackass.
(AP Photo/Isaac Brekken)
From WTOP

T.O. seems to get by with short arms especially when he goes across the middle. Chris Williams should have no problem at all.

Dwayne Wade Now Owns God

Dwayne Wade loves two things very much, his mother and God. Lucky for him, his mother loves God too, so it only seems natural then that he'd buy his mom her very own church called the Temple of Praise. Having her own church will allow Jolinda Wade to tell the tales of a life that started with crime and drugs and only began to actually make sense to her after she found God.

You see, there was a time when Jolinda Wade was a fugitive from the law, a drug dealer and user and eventually a prisoner. Her life finally got turned around while in jail and she started preaching. She later became a Baptist minister and hasn't looked back, and now, she's got her own church thanks to her boy, D-wade. Whattaguy.

"My mother is not the kind of person who will come to me and ask me for this kind of favor. She's so thankful for even the little things I've done for her," Dwyane Wade said. "But it's the dream of every man, every boy, to be able to give their mother everything they want. So that was my dream and this is her dream. To me, that makes this perfect."

So why am I publishing this story, you ask? No, its not because I found that awesome Photoshop, it is because its not everyday you hear an athlete buy a church, but I'm now wondering why more haven't?

Why waste your cash on an inevitably doomed to fail car wash or restaurant or bar or auto dealership when you can throw some cash down on something that is pretty much fail-proof, a church! Sure they are technically non-profit, but that basically just means Uncle Sam isn't taking any of your cizzash yo'! You plop down a ton of D-Wade Baptist Churches all over town, have yourself on the board, draw a modest salary once you retire from basketball, and BAM, instant cash for life plus amazing public goodwill because no one is gonna talk shit about you being Godly. If Magic can make movie theaters and Starbucks work for him, certainly D-Wade can become the Magic Johnson of the religious industrial complex? Its a brilliant scheme plan.

D-wade Last Supper Pic from Dave Barry's Blog
Story from Canadian Press

You Couldn't Try This If You Tried

"You're gone! You are with little rabbits! You are in the pen!"

What does that even mean? I don't know but this is one hell of a try and a conversion afterwards. Don't sleep on rugby.

By Thor's hammer! Chick-fil-A is revamping its menu for health reasons. Bastards. Checkers will never change.

When Making It Rain Goes Wrong

What's happened to Money Mayweather? He appears on the WWE and now he's making Pacman Jones look good up in the club. At least Pacman kept it real when he made it rain in Vegas even if he proceeded to take his money back and tear up the club afterwards. When we say keeping it real, we mean he used real money.

Floyd Mayweather could be the target of federal investigators after allegedly making it rain at a club with counterfeit money.

My photographer Freddy O was almost arrested at a gas station this morning after trying to pay for gas with one of the counterfeit $100 bills that boxer Floyd Mayweather tossed in the air at Club PURE last night.

According to Fred (and several others in attendance) Mayweather’s “boys” were handing him the stacks of hundreds.

There is speculation that one of his “boys” switched out the real hundreds for the counterfeit hundreds and kept the real cash for himself. I would be inclined to believe that maybe Floyd didn’t know what his boys were doing, except that this has happened before!

Some club patrons in Las Vegas also complained about Mayweather tossing counterfeit bills earlier this year. We’re not talking fake bills of the copy machine variety - we’re talking print shop quality counterfeit bills.

Sandra Rose offers up what it says is proof of the counterfeit bills. The site also says Mayweather exaggerates his wealth. Shocking. A real rapper (lyrics NSFW) would never lie about his paper. Oscar de la Hoya should pay Money in fake bills for their rematch.

You Crossed The Line. People Trusted You And They Died. You Gotta' Go Down

Don't act like you haven't been longing for this. You need it. Vaya con Dios, brah.

Reggie Bush Needs An Intervention

Is Master P involved in sports representation again? We only ask because Reggie Bush could be making some poor (well, idiotic) decisions and obviously his agent is not doing his job. Let's start with the obvious. It's not good for a football player's image to seriously date a transvestite. Maybe a funny tranny like Eddie Izzard would fly but I see no evidence of humor in or around Kim Kardashian.

It's not clear that Kardashian's a tranny with business sense either. That's not stopping Reggie Bush from letting her handle his business affairs when it comes to entertainment. That bastion of truthiness MediaTakeout.com reports that Bush is allegedly allowing Kardashian to take control of his entertainment career. This doesn't include his sports interests.

If this rumor is true, someone needs to check Bush before he wrecks himself since his agent is nowhere to be found. Kardashian's supposed to help him with television and movie roles. What would she know about that? Besides her reality show, she has no experience with anything outside of playing a status ho and celebutard. In her defense, she does play them very well. She's been desperate for years and she finally found some sucka to take her on.

Bush needs to focus on football. His football career has been average at best and his acting is nothing of note. Then again we shouldn't completely crush him. It's quite progessive of him to publicly date a tranny. Hopefully this will begin to change people's opinions of them and see that they can be as shallow as the rest of us. Hooray for cookies!

Orioles Magic: Feel It Happen

I'm still a bit troubled by the Baltimore Orioles start. I don't want to believe because they let me down every year after getting off to a hot start. This season does seem different so far. Maybe it's because they brought back Orioles Magic.

Orioles Magic 2008
by gatecitycanes

I'm not going to front. I've loved this song since I used to watch the O's at Memorial Stadium. Let's see Chimp Rage pull a Nats song out of his ass to match this old hotness. Yeah that's right. He can't. However if they get Paul Lo Duca, Elijah Dukes, Da Meat Hook, Lastings Milledge and Jesus Flores to collaborate, Orioles Magic could have some competition.

What They Do Indeed

The real David Banner could turn into the Incredible Hulk or Lou Ferrigno once something or someone pissed him off. He was even polite enough to request that you not anger him. The rapper David Banner do what they do. He's all show like most rappers. Instead of renting a ride and house, he rented an off-brand Lou known to you as Barry Bonds. Here's to keeping it real at :46. Fuck a transform.




Video from New York Daily News I-Team.

Cheeseracing!

Sure, its not really a sport, but I have been slacking posting this week due to power outages and my regular drinking binges. Speaking of drinking binges, someone had to be real drunk to think of this "new sport". Its called Cheese Racing.

Its a simple sport to participate in, all you need is a BBQ grill and individually wrapped slices of cheese. Ya put the cheese on the smoking hot grill and see whose cheese package fully inflates the quickest. Full inflation means that all four corners have raised up off the grill. Even if you spring a leak, it isnt a disqualification. So...thats it.

I had no idea that they wrapped cheese so tightly that when placed on a grill the cheese will boil inside the package. I also didn't realize that the plastic they use to wrap the cheese is completely impervious to fire. They should use this shit to wrap race cars in or something.

Check out the Cheese Racing site here

Fist Pump On A D**k? That's A Bit Much

A message to Goose Gossage and David Dellucci. Shut up. The bitching and moaning over Joba Chamberlain's celebrations needs to stop. This issue is bigger than Joba so don't take us for Yankee apologists. Yankee fans have a hard-on for Joba. He can do no wrong in their eyes. He could give a newborn baby a spinning roundhouse kick out the window at St. Vincent's, fist pump, yell and Yankee fans would blow a load about his heart.

Goosage whines about Joba's celebrations not being the "Yankees way" and he's right. They aren't and that's what makes him refreshing. For all the talk about tradition, the Yankees are a stodgy, corporate faceless club with no personality. There's no denying their history or accomplishments but to root for the Yankees is to root for the mind-numbing efficiency one expects from a clock. Any excitement is generated by John Sterling warbling "The Yankees win!" or Suzy Waldman blubbering over a deserved loss as though someone ran over her mother. Even when the Yankees are winning, it seems like punching the clock at the sweatshop. No doubt real Yankees fans love their team but to decry shows of emotion and excitement on the field seems odd considering how rabid the fans get.

Drooling local sports radio idiots and ex-players like Gossage yell about "acting like you've been there" and respect for the game. Implying players like Joba respect the game less than other players is absurd. Save that for Pete Rose and Art Schlichter. These critics try to elevate the game to the level of heart surgery. It's as though calling it a game and treating it as such is an affront or insult to their work. There's a fear of not being taken seriously. No one denies the hard work and dedication it takes to become and stay a professional athlete. It's something most can only hope to do. However when it comes down to it, it's still a game and people seem to forget that. I'm sure Dan Patrick wasn't alone when he was going on and on about celebrating your office job. Can we please drop this bullshit comparison? No one really thinks the job of pro athlete compares to humping your desk eight hours a day. Sport is more than work. Sport is about winning. Sport is entertainment. Sport is emotion. Consulting is not being able to explain what you do. I digress.

Of course there's a limit and there is a thing as too much. Taunting would fall under that category. A fist pump doesn't come close to the wrong side. A fist pump on your dick? That's a bit much. There's also something to be said for pitchers that don't bat. It should be equal opportunity but life ain't fair.

Current players like Dellucci and Nelson Figueroa of the Mets need to chill. If a fist pump gets you worked up, you might have some other issues. Figueroa called the Nats "softball girls" because they were celebrating in the dugout. Guess what? It worked. Maybe he should have spent less time paying attention to them and more getting them out. Sexist twat. Me thinks that's fear of the minors talking. Bottom line? Everyone needs to chill the fuck out. It's a game. Yeah it's a job too. Let the kid do his thing. He'll grow out of it or batters will beat him like a rented mule. It's not like he's taunting the batters or throwing broken bats at them. If he does, then the batter must do what he must. Just don't be Robin Ventura.

Do You Feel Lucky

You have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?

Yes. Yes I do.

Shit, guess I’m fucked.

Clint Eastwood is bringing the grizzly detective back one more time just to kill him off. We think this is a solid idea. We’re not opposed to seeing another Dirty Harry movie especially if we know it exists to give Harry a proper sendoff into the afterlife or to a dirt nap for all you atheists out there. More actors should consider a similar end for their characters. We’re looking at you, Sly. The world is begging for another Stop or My Mom Will Shoot or Judge Dredd 2: Electric Boogaloo. Rob Schneider needs a job soon before Deuce Bigalow becomes a documentary. Bonus points for Stallone if he kills off Dredd and his annoying sidekick.

The demise of Dirty Harry got us thinking. What if athletes resumed their careers just so they could go out in a blaze of glory? We tried to keep this to players are currently retired but no reason why it can’t involve active players. This probably won’t work but I’m not turning back now.

Michael Vick

Vick is released from jail and has to return to football in order to pay off his debts. He makes a team as a reserve running back only to be called into action as QB when the starter and backup both get injured. He throws for 275 yards and four touchdowns. He also runs for 89 yards and one touchdown. He becomes the new starter and his team makes a successful run to the playoffs. Vick wins Comeback Player of the Year. Meanwhile a cure for herpes is found and PETA forgives him for his past transgressions. Everything’s coming up Mexico. Vick invites his teammates to his modest house to celebrate their first-round bye. A neighbor in his cul-de-sac is washing his F-150 in his driveway. His dog jumps in the driver’s seat after smelling the Snausages his owner was eating under the seat. It inadvertently knocks the truck into drive. It rolls down the driveway and picks up speed on the decline. It flies onto Vick’s lawn and nails him just as he’s giving a toast proclaiming he’s king of the world again.

Mark Chmura

After several years out of the game and having to hear Brett Favre constantly go back and forth about coming back, Chewie decides to make his own comeback as a way to make people forget about his molestiness. He talks his way into a tryout with the Packers and somehow makes the team when every starting tight end in the NFL comes down with Ebola after a Oxfam charity trip to the Congo. The worst part is none of the Congolese know what the NFL is and keep asking the TE’s if they can give up Dikembe Mutombo’s number. Chewie's contributions end up helping Aaron Rodgers and the Packers make the NFC Championship game. They win the game in overtime and Chewie shows up big time. He pays for some teammates to hit Acapulco with him to celebrate. While they’re down there, they get separated and he runs into a cute underage girl. He can’t resist the urge and convinces her to come back to his room with her. He makes them some drinks and the next thing he knows, he wakes up in a hot tub full of ice and missing a kidney. To top it off, he suffers frostbite and has to have his foot amputated.

Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds

Roger Clemens comes back to some desperate team. Barry Bonds who just came back after finally being signed kills him with a line drive to the face only to then be killed by Mark McGwire who just came back and in a 'Roid rage fit crushes his skull when Bonds fails to tag home base after a home run. McGwire is then killed by Sammy Sosa who just came back and injects McGwire with antifreeze because Miguel Tejada told him it will make him huge, who then kills himself by accidentally shooting himself while sneezing. Fin.

Once An Assclown, Always An Assclown

How could we forget Inter Milan/Italy star Marco Materazzi? He was the victim of a brutal head butt from Zinedine Zidane during the last World Cup. Oh how we cried for him. Turns out he's an asshole who deserved the head butt and it's too bad his chest didn't cave in.

One would think he would have learnt some humility but he's an Italian footballer so no such luck. One game left and Inter is nursing a slim lead over Roma for the Scudetto (Seria A Champion) thanks to another moment of madness from Materazzi against Siena yesterday.

A penalty was awarded to Inter in the 78th minute and striker Julio Cruz stepped up to take the kick. Materazzi decided that he wanted to be the hero so he pushed Cruz out of the way with his manager yelling at him and took the kick. He missed. He didn't just miss. It was an awful kick. Witness the shame that is Marco Materazzi at :23.



The game ended in a 2-2 draw. Inter fans showed up expecting to celebrate a title and instead yelled "Get back to work!" at the team after the match. That karma's a bitch.

Is Dwyane Wade Turning Into Britney Spears

What the hell is going on with Dwyane Wade? His flight path seems to be taking a downward trajectory similar to Britney Spears. She had it all only to throw it away and turn into an unmitigated disaster. We’re not saying Wade is going to get knocked up by some Heat dancer but things aren’t looking too good for him these days. Only two years ago, he was on top of the world. NBA Champion, commercial darling, etc. Now is not good. Yes? The Heat? Fail. Star Jones? Fail. His new restaurant? Fail.

D. Wade’s Sports Grill in Boca Raton has closed after only two months. The Palm Beach Post reports that the restaurant opened to mixed reviews, little advertising and no D-Wade. He only showed up once since it opened.

“A note on the closed Boca restaurant's door tells fans to head to Fort Lauderdale, home of the only other D. Wade's. A third is in the works in Aventura.”

Hmm where have I heard of a similar situation? Oh that’s right. Britney’s restaurant.

Not only is another D. Wade’s in the works but he’s also looking to get into gourmet Chinese with Alonzo Mourning. Oh yeah I’m going to get Chinese from Zo and D-Wade. I’m also going to get sushi from Popeye Jones, Elijah Dukes and Raekwon while I’m at it. Rae’s a chef after all. You would have thought Star could have kept the restaurant going by herself. Don’t let that staple gun action fool you. She can still bring the ruckus.

Let’s run down the list. Britney cheated on Justin Timberlake and ended up with Kevin Federline. Wade’s marriage is falling apart and he’s seen hanging with Star Jones. Britney was on top of the charts and selling out shows before crashing and burning on the VMAs. Wade was an NBA championship team which has become a lottery team that can’t sell half their seats.** Her restaurant failed miserably and so did his. He hasn’t quite caught the crazy yet but hanging with Star Jones is definitely suspect.

Wade could use an intervention before it’s too late. We suggest Sir Charles and Montell Williams ambush him Cheaters style when he’s out with Star and break him down on camera. Fuck the whales. Save the Wade!


**We can’t put attendance on him. Sports have no business in Miami. They could be some of the worst fans in America.

Lucas Licht Is Better Than You

National Xtreme Baseball Is Finally Upon Us

May 10th 2008...a day that will live in infamy as National Xtreme Baseball starts its inagural season. You may remember way back when when we first caught a glimpse of the spectacle that is National Xtreme Baseball, well now it has finally come into it's own as an official league. Not that it takes a lot to become an official league. Anyway, the first real game (not the exhibition games they've been playing for the past year) was Saturday, May 10th, 2008 and it pit the Daytona Stingrays against the Miami Pythons, which are Xtreme team names for sure. Daytona won the contest 12-4 and I'm sure you really cared about that.

We're gonna try to track down actual video of the game, but if you want, you can see some photos of the game's events with a snappy soundtrack below. We're expecting big things for this league (not really) but it sure is nice to reminisce about when sports blogging weird shit was easy because stuff just leaped out at you. Nowadays a man's gotta actually work for his blogging stories...dammit.

NXBL Home Page here

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Federale

If it ain't a drug dealer, it's a drum. Something will get a federale these days.



If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

What Every Sox Fan Needs

Can a Red Sox fan's life be complete without one of these? Look closely, that's not just a bunch of ticket stubs, no, it's actually a wallet made of ticket stubs. It's actually got 10 slots on the inside for cards and 1 big slot for cash, even tho you can't see it. Its all from the good people at Refinding who take old crap and turn it into stuff like wallets and belts and other stuff. Interesting concept, but I hope these fine people expand their ticket stub collection to more than just BoSox stuff, ya know, in case you aren't a fan of said team. Neat stuff though.

Find BoSox Stub Wallets here

Lock, Stock And One Footballing Dutchman

One more post for today before I leave my mom's basement. We forgot to post the full version of Nike's "The Next Level" commercial featuring more Nike-sponsored footballers than you can shake a stick at. I guess Guy Ritchie had to find something to do while his wife fights the Malawian authorities, freaks Justin Timberlake and pretends to kiss underage girls.



1. I thought I spotted a John Terry lookalike around :43. I doubt it because Chelsea's sponsored by Adidas.

2. Madonna should leave more often.

Dave Attell + The Gong Show = Result

Hey Thaksin, Leave Our Sven Alone

Not quite as catchy as "Hey Wenger, leave those kids alone!" but it works. Manchester City fans have been singing in protest of manager Sven-Goran Eriksson's seemingly imminent departure from the City of Manchester Stadium following the end of the season and a post-season Asian tour.

City owner and ex-human rights abuser Thaksin Shinawatra is reportedly pushing Eriksson out due to "lack of results". The team is in a better position than they were last year and they look to be headed to the UEFA Cup through the Fair Play award. Expectations of a Champions League place in his first season were unrealistic if not crazy. There's no question City is a team on the rise under Eriksson.

It's not clear who Shinawatra expects to fill the position should the rumors be true. Portugal manager "Big Phil" Scolari has already distanced himself from reports linking him to the job. He will be lucky to find anyone better than Eriksson out on the market. The players are considering a revolt. There's talk of the players boycotting the Asian tour in protest of Eriksson's firing. He has the support of the fans and players in addition to results so this move makes no sense.

There's another disturbing aspect to this story that doesn't make any sense. Noel Gallagher of Oasis is making sense about Shinawatra.



Wait until Liam gets involved. Thaksin should be scared. Very scared.

The Sauce Clause Lies In Wait

Bob Huggins hasn't changed much over the years. From his eating habits to his mobility, the West Virginia basketball coach is determined to stay the same no matter what.

Huggins is still getting around as though he's under the influence. He tripped over a cone and smacked his head on the tarmac while leaving a plane in Charlotte. The coach never lost consciousness but was taken to a hospital as a precautionary measure as he was feeling dizzy. Our first thought was that he made nice with the drink cart but it seems to be nothing but mere clumsiness. The Tipsy McStagger Clause has not been triggered so you can relax.

One would think Huggins would be more careful. This is the same guy who had to be shocked back to life three times after suffering a "massive heart attack" almost six years ago yet is proud of not changing his habits.

"It's the same thing you do New Year's Eve," he said. "You say, 'I'm going to do this,' and about the 3rd of January you're back doing what you did before. I haven't really changed all that much. I would love to sit here and tell you that I probably eat better, but look at me. That's obviously not the case.''

A man of habit. The same theory probably holds true for the graduation rate of his players. "I gotta get this back down to zero ... Hey! What the fuck are you doing reading? Who taught you that shit?"

Thanks to Don T for the tip.

You Know You Love It

All you aspiring porn moguls beware. Let the story of former Australian porn kingpin Greg Lasrado be a warning to you. Don't take pictures with Bill Clinton. He'll only bring you down.

Photo: Mike Cassese/Reuters

Nuts And Gum: Together At Last

There are certain things that should never go together like Vito Fossella and drunk driving or Ted Kennedy and channels. Who knew drunk driving makes love children?

Another deadly combination is athletes and music. There are always exceptions like Wayman Tisdale but the usual result is Carl Lewis or Deion Sanders. Could Jon Mikel Obi and Didier Drogba do better? Unlikely but they're going to try anyway. The Chelsea players are collaborating on some hip-hop tracks. If there's one thing footballers can't do, it's make music. If you doubt me, try this, this or this. I'll never look at John Barnes the same way again.

Joel Knows Donkey Kicks

It's still not a spinning donkey kick but it's a start.

Hard Working Americans Aren't The Only Ones Being Screwed By NAFTA

Chin up white peop...I mean hard-working American people. Damn you for infecting me so fast, Hillary. While your jobs are being shipped overseas and given to bloodthirsty, whore-loving illegal immigrants thanks to NAFTA, corporate America is having a grand old time at your expense. The Bush administration is bailing out the banks while screwing homeowners. Guess what? You aren't the only ones they're trying to screw like a penguin.

The US is forcing Mexico pay Canada some serious loonies. Ron Mexico a.k.a. Michael Vick has been ordered to pay a Canadian bank $2.4 million dollars for defaulting on a loan.

The Royal Bank of Canada sued Mexico after he pled guilty to the dogfighting charge that eventually landed him in Leavenworth. The bank claimed the plea amounted to a default as laid out by the terms of the loan.

This is a bloody outrage. Another judge said Vick could keep his $20 million in bonuses earned from 2004-2007. That's because the judge understood what freedom is all about. If you have money, you get to keep it.

Canada is just going to use that money to finance their end of the NAFTA superhighway which will ease Mexico's eventual takeover of the US. It's a c-o-n-spiracy.

I don't know why Rev. Al's wasting his time with Sean Bell. He needs to remember what the struggle's about and put on that sweatsuit with some fat chains. Get your Tawana-lovin', permed ass to Kansas. America and Mexico need saving.

When in China, do as the Chinese government do. David Hasselhoff just shed a tear.

Cookin With The Oak

Former Phoenix Suns PG Kevin Johnson is running for mayor of Sacramento. Magic Johnson has a real estate empire including a bunch of movie theatres in the hood and pretends to have the AIDS. Charles Oakley feels left out so he's decided to make his name in the world of cooking.

Page Six reports that Oakley has already filmed three episodes of his new cooking show, Cafe Oakley.

The former Knick enforcer has already taped three episodes, one featuring John Starks, where his former teammate cooked Oak's fried chicken and macaroni salad, pasta and sausages, and smothered steak and rice. Ingredients for Oak's beef short ribs in cinnamon wine sauce include 18 beers and two or three Cuban cigars, and the directions begin, "Drink 10 beers."

The Oak should continue to have special guest stars show off their culinary skills. Sam Perkins should appear to make his Mary Jane Marsala. Oliver Miller can show off his lard-infused bacon rolls. Set your DVR for Stephen Jackson's Strip Club Snapper and Andray Blatche's Hooker Hanger Steak.

Oakley should have no problem making his mark. If Rachel Ray can do it, he can do it. We haven't seen Cafe Oakley yet but it has to be better than this:

Bobby Engram Hearts Mike Holmgren

Awww! Seahawk WR Bobby Engram's too shy to tell his coach Mike Holmgren that he choo-choo chooses him in person so he thought he would drop off a letter early before practice. It didn't work for Ralph Wiggum so Engram's chances aren't looking too good.

"I kind of enjoy that," Holmgren kidded. "It means he graduated from college and he can type."

The letter is assumed to contain Engram's demands for mo' money**. He dropped the letter off and left before the start of minicamp.

Engram wants a new deal from the Seahawks however the team wants him to play out this coming season before negotiating a new deal. He's coming off a career season in which he had 1147 yards. Woo. He did attend a mandatory camp last Friday. Chad Johnson called to call him a sellout.

It doesn't seem as though Holmgren is too concerned. He said that Engram "is an emotional player" so this isn't unexpected. Hopefully there will be videotape of the moment Engram's heart breaks when Holmgren tells him that he's not getting what he wants.


**You thought you were getting Stacey Dash, didn't you?

Finally Someone Who Won't Fight Back

Very Big Club Newcastle United has fallen on hard times over the past couple years after finding domestic and European glory. Winning the Inter-Cities Fairs Cup in 1969 is a massive achievement. Have you won it? I didn't think so.

Despite the lack of success on the pitch, Newcastle claims to have fans that will see the club through thick and thin. St. James Park is always filled to its 50,000+ capacity for every match by loyal and... What's that? They give tickets away? Of course they do. All teams have corporate and family seats. What do you mean they're not exactly corporate or family seats?

The BBC reports that Newcastle distributes four season tickets a year to recovering drug addicts as a way to "help them on the path to recovery".

"The tickets are provided on the understanding that they are used, as part of a package of measures, to particularly help young people who have had substance misuse problems, and are making clear progress and showing a genuine commitment to living a normal, structured life.

"We thank the club for this generous gesture that goes a long way towards re-introducing people to a structured way of life."

It's not clear how going to a Newcastle match would help addicts adapt to living a sober life. Have you ever been to Newcastle? There's nothing to do but drink and use drugs. Have you ever watched Newcastle play? It'll make you want to drink and do drugs. Even when they're not playing, they're not setting a good example:

Ja! Check out the latest installment of Michael Ballack's Secret Diary. It's wunderbar.

The Tipsy McStagger Clause

Time to get paid, blow up like the...too soon? Bob Huggins is getting some serious paper from West Virgina. His contract was made public and shows that he stands to make at least $20 million over the next 10 years before incentives.

The contract does note that he can be fired for being drunk or using drugs.

The contract stipulates Huggins can be fired for substance abuse or habitual intoxication affecting his job performance. A West Virginia spokesman said that is a standard clause in employment contracts.

I wonder if there's a graduation rate clause. Somehow I doubt it.

You Can't Stop Roman Abramovich

Will Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich stop at nothing to rule the world of soccer? £80M for Messi? What would he pay for Wayne Rooney?

The Deuce has exclusive footage of Uncle Roman trying to tap up Wayne Rooney. This clip also shows that you can't leave Sven Goran-Eriksson in a room alone let alone with a secretary.



You can't blame Sir Alex for being so pissed at this blatant effort to steal his player.

Hang Your Head, Purple Jesus

Maybe we spoke too fast. We brought you the story of the Long Island parents who tried to cook their baby in the car during the Kentucky Derby on Monday. Ex-Minnesota Viking Darrion Scott is not about to give up the Parent of the Year Award without a fight.

Scott was arrested after putting a dry cleaning bag over the head of his 2-year old son and holding him down while he kicked and screamed. The mother came to pick the boy up and heard him screaming.

She said the boy was on his back on the floor, his legs kicking and that Scott was holding the bag tightly around the boy's neck.

Scott was charged with third-degree assault, domestic assault by strangulation and endangerment of a child. He claimed he was playing with the boy and he "wanted to see if the boy could get the bag off his head by himself". What the fuck?

This isn't the first time Scott has been suspected of child abuse.

[The mother] told police she had evidence of previous injuries while the child was in Scott's care. A doctor who examined the boy said there is a reasonable degree of medical certainty that marks on the boy's arm and ear were intentionally inflicted and were consistent with either burning or being struck.

How children manage to stay with abusive parents is beyond me. People always talk about an overburdened system but how many times do people in the know look the other way? One can only hope the mother reported the previous incidents to the authorities so they could do nothing.

Here's hoping Scott gets molested in jail if found guilty. I'm not sure who would do it. Maybe some big Green Mile looking muthafucka. Perhaps Kamala the Ugandan Headhunter could be introduced into the general population. That Kamala concept wasn't racist. Not at all.

WTF? Have they ever heard any player from Liverpool speak? They should be required to take English lessons as well.

What Will America Jr. Think Of Next

The NHL wonders why it's on Versus along with the first Invitational Robert Mugabe Ultimate Animal Fighting Memorial Tournament live from Harare. It's partially because of stupid intros like this one courtesy of the Ottawa Senators. An guard of honor for a mascot? Really?



If we (well Canadia in this case) are going to go down that route, I demand to see a guard of honor for Mr. Met and the San Diego Chicken. It's a different story if the Nationals had a drunk Ted Kennedy with a set of car keys and a bottle of jack for a mascot instead of that stupid Screech.

Pacman Jones' TN Home, Surprisingly Normal

So Pacman Jones has put his house up on the market since he's been traded to Dallas to play for the Cowboys so now one very rich person has a chance to live like Pacman...which by looking at his house, is pretty damn normal.

Here's one more picture of this place below, looks nice and spacious, but unless he's already 3/4 moved out already you must have to make way more than Pacman does to furnish this place. This guy is living like the bachelor that he is in this gigantic house so does he really have to have all this room? Looks to me like he can just live out of his bedroom here. I mean, what more does a man need in there besides a refrigerator and a microwave?

The shocking this is that I don't see any stripper poles or gigantic circular revolving beds with velvet sheets and disco balls above. No, none of that. Just what looks like a relatively normal McMansion in the suburbs of Nowheresville, Tennessee. Where the heck is a man supposed to play "Make it Rain" in this joint?

Dude even has horse stables and a whole horse run there. I noticed they were empty, but hey, its a lot better than what Michael Vick had going on in his backyard.

This house only makes the mystery that is Pacman Jones grow bigger.

Images all from the real estate page

MLB Really Wants You To See Indiana Jones

Here is a screen grab of the Washington Nationals tickets page, click on it if you want it full size. Did you see May 22nd there and notice that the Nationals are playing Indiana Jones that day? What the hell is that? Its not just the Nationals either, if you look at all the MLB games that day on MLB's team ticket sales sites, they all have an Indiana Jones background on May 22nd, which happens to be the opening day of the fourth installment of the franchise. Want a closer shot of him? Here you go:

I'm not sure why, could be because I'm a sensitive blogger who gets touchy about a lot of things, but I'm kind of upset about this. I mean, i'm sure MLB got paid a pretty penny to stick Harrison Ford on every team's schedule, and that's good for them, but really, this has NOTHING to do with baseball. Its just a pure and blatant cash grab. Sure, MLB schedules are not some sacred thing that never have advertising along with them, as a matter of fact they always do, but this just seems a little too much to me because its pretty obtrusive. Most online ads you can do away with with an AdBlocker or just by not looking at the sides of the computer screen, but for this, you just cannot avoid Ford's mugshot there which kinda sucks.

So, kudos, I guess to MLB for finally figuring out a way to guarantee it's fans pay attention to their ads. I sure did and I even gave it a freaking blog post...wait...maybe this is what they wanted all along?!?! Curses!

Never Question The Sex Boat. Ever.

Jim Zorn is the Redskins head coach whether you like it or not. He may or may not know what he's doing. Talk to me about Avram Grant sometime. First he refers to the Skins as "the maroon and black" and now he's questioning the Captain.

Washington Redskins Coach Jim Zorn has a reputation for being a good teacher and a nice guy, but he erupted in anger after cornerback Shawn Springs intercepted quarterback Jason Campbell's pass and attempted to lateral the ball to cornerback Fred Smoot on the first day of the team's minicamp.

Zorn stopped play while shouting: "Don't do that! Don't do that!"

Not wanting to risk a fumble, Zorn made it clear that the Redskins will not take chances like that.

You may be the head coach but you never question the Sex Boat. You think he didn't know what he was doing when he demanded the ball? When the Vikings wanted some ass on a boat, did they go to Mike Tice? No. Did they go to Fran Tarkenton or party animal Carl Eller? I don't think so. They went to Fred Smoot. If there are two things he knows, they're high pro hoes and laterals, so slow your roll Zorn. Never address Fred "I could be the prettiest guy in the NFL" Smoot in that manner again.

There's Nothing To See Here. Move Along.

"He's getting pummeled." You think? Looks like Roger Clemens' attorney Rusty Hardin has pulled his head out of his ass just in time. Huh? Oh...

Hardin made the statement in reference to the public beatdown Clemens is taking in the media for his alleged steroids use and affairs with broke-ass country singers, golfer's wives, strippers, bartenders, penguins, etc.

"There hasn't been any change in plans," Hardin said. "Everybody keeps asking these questions. We'll sit down and see what his views are."

The decision on whether to drop the suit rests with Clemens.

"That's always a decision the client has to make. That's not the lawyer's decision," Hardin said. "I've never seen somebody get beat up like this. In some ways, I think we're on uncharted ground."

"That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy."

How the hell did Hardin allow Clemens to go through with this defamation suit? This was a no-win from the start. Smooth of him to start separating himself from Clemens. This should go as well as Obama and Jeremiah Wright. We can't wait until the Clemens' press conference where he throws Hardin under the bus or jumps him like a seal on a penguin. Does that even work?

Eight Belles Ain't The Only Derby Loser

Early contenders for the Parents of the Year Award go to a Long Island couple who were down to see "the best 2 minutes in sport" no matter what.

Kristal Rose Downes and Jhimy Alban Vintimilla left their 2-month old baby in the car for 20 minutes at a Southampton OTB while they watched the Kentucky Derby.

Southampton Town police say the 2-month-old was left unattended for more than 20 minutes during Saturday's race.

Police say the mother later told officers she thought the infant was safe enough because the car's heat was on.

The car was left running in a busy parking lot outside the Suffolk Regional Off-Track Betting Corp. branch in Southampton, on Long Island.

It wasn't hot enough to fry the baby so she made sure she'd roterisserie that kid real nice while they watched them horses run round that track there. Here's to all the Derby losers this year.
** Speaking of Derby losers, check out this brilliant coincidence brought to you via Wonkette.

Chris Cooley's Job Is Safe

If Redskins fans including Chimp Rage were pissed the Skins drafted Fred Davis (TE-USC), imagine how Chris Cooley felt. Actually don't bother, let him tell you in his increasingly money blog, Outside Football.

I think no more be said in the question. I was surprised as anyone that the Redskins drafted a tight end this year. We saw Fred Davis as a first round player that had fallen way down into the second round. The Redskins felt like it was way to much value to pass on. As a player I feel like you can never discount having the best 11 guys on the field, so if two tight ends makes up the best 11 guys I'm all for it. I will do everything I can to help Fred become the best football player for the Redskins and I think he will do a great job. All that being said, I feel like the next five years should be Pro Bowl years for me and I would be extremely surprised if my production on the field goes down at all.

No wonder Cooley isn't worried. He's already got a master plan to make sure Davis even has trouble getting to practice.

Team security was sent to find Davis after he didn't show up for practice on Sunday for the final day of minicamp. It turns out he slept through practice. Very crafty, Mr. Cooley. I'm guessing chloroform or roofies. Either those or just telling him he'd wake him up on time.

**Damn. Unsilent beat us to the punch over at Deadspin. You win this time...by a mile.

We Don't Need Another Hero

Thank you, Jose Offerman. Your services are no longer needed. Like his hero Offerman, pitcher Olivio Astacio brings new meaning to the phrase "batshit crazy".

Astacio was released from the Pirates organization yesterday after attacking a teammate with a bat during an argument at extended spring training.

Astacio and the other player were having an argument, the sources said, and Astacio struck the player's leg with a swing of his bat. He swung again and missed before the incident was broken up.

The other player -- who was not identified -- is not seriously injured, and no charges have been filed. But Pirates management, already wary of Astacio's troubled past throughout his professional career, promptly released him Thursday.

Astacio is the Ryan Perrilloux of the minors. He has also been benched for a whole season by the Red Sox for disciplinary reasons and broken his hand in a fight after pitching one game in 2006. No word on whether the Bengals will try to convert him to a football player.

Since we stretched for the post title, we might as well give it to you here and below:



Thanks to Nyjer Please for the tip.

Guess who wants to be the Nate Newton of track and field.

It's Good To Be The King

Make the Champions League final and party until 4 AM the next day. Cool. Party with a porn star like the Sixers? Hell yea...wait, which one?

Chelsea captain John Terry and several players partied until 7 AM at Chinawhite in London. They were joined by ex-porn star Jenna Jameson who recently seems to be doing everything she can to stop being attractive.

Reportedly, adult film star Jenna moved her table right next to the Chelsea stars and wowed them with her raunchy dancing, as they continued to rack up their hefty bar bill, which ended up at an estimated £10,000.

Unfortunately for one, two or all of them, she was tossed for trying to do drugs in the bathroom so no bukakke or happy endings for anyone. Bugger!

The Cincinnati Bengals Are Like School On A Saturday

As the sun rises and sets so continues the commitment to criminal excellence by the Cincinnati Bengals.

LB Ahmad Brooks has been accused of punching a woman in the face last month. According to the victim, Brooks and a neighbor got into an argument. She attempted to play peacemaker and was about as successful as George Clooney's movie of the same name. She ended up unconscious with a black eye.

Brooks told the neighbor that he was going to “split his head open,” Rosich wrote in her statement.

That when she “nicely approached” Brooks and asked him to stop and “take it somewhere else,” according to the statement.

“He then pulled back his fist and struck (punched) me in the left eye,” Rosich wrote. “I then fell and blacked out.”

When Rosich gained consciousness, she grabbed her children, ran inside her home, called 911 and was taken to an area emergency room.

I imagine it went down something like this:



Brooks is scheduled to appear in court on June 6th to answer the assault charges. Keep in mind that he was dismissed from the UVA football team and cost the Bengals a draft pick when he was drafted last year.

It's rare to find such draft consistency from a team's manangement. We should salute the Bengals' vigor.

I Think They Like Celtic Because They Like The Color Green

Here's some video of Newcastle's Damien Duff and Spurs striker Robbie Keane celebrating Celtic's win over Rangers on Sunday.



Keane's teammate Alan Hutton must be thrilled with Keane as he stands to receive a winner's share and medal if Rangers win the SPL. They're five points behind Celtic but have three games in hand. How the hell does that even happen?? The words of the immortal Barry Glendenning come to mind but I don't need to start a sectarian battle. They do that just fine on their own.

This Is Not Cougar Country

Finally. It took Dwyane Wade long enough but he finally came out and spoke about the nature of his association with Star Jones. Leave it to Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley to ask the important questions. Hopefully George Stephanopoulos was taking notes.

Wade claimed that he and Jones are just "good friends"

“Star is an unbelievable woman. We have a great, great relationship. As friends.”

Sir Charles also referred to Jones as a cougar who is "praying on a young Dwayne Wade". Sir I know cougars and Star Jones is no cougar.

Wade needs to put an end to this. Charles needs to take him out of his Fave 5 until he gets his head straight. Would this have happened if Shaq were still on the Heat? Probably not because he would have been rightly shamed into submission. Wait until Star starts demanding front row, all you can eat seats during Heat games next season. She'll scream for Hebrew National and Sbarro sponsorships, a staple will pop and game over. They'll be wheeling her out in Dwyane's wheelchair.

NFL Rookie Prop Bets Are Out

Now that the NFL draft is over, the odds makers have spoken with what they think about this years draft class. The leading candidate for Offensive Rookie of the Year is Darren McFadden currently at 3-1 odds. The surprise 2nd choice is Jacksonville's Jonathan Stewart at 6-1 odds, followed by Matt Ryan at 8-1, Kevin Smith at 9-1, Rashard Mendenhall at 10-1 and Felix Jones at 12-1 odds. Anyone that wants to make some long-shot bets can look at #1 draft choice Jake Long who is at 30-1 odds or Earl Bennett at 100-1 odds.

No surprise that running backs are the top choices here because since 1997, 7 out of 11 times a running back has won the award with WR and QB's winning the award twice each. I am surprised that Joe Flacco has just 18-1 odds at winning the award, behind even 2nd round draft choice Devin Thomas who is at 16-1. I guess they are expecting a Boller-type effort from the Baltimore rookie. Also interesting is that Mendenhall is ahead of Felix Jones in the lines, even though Jones went before him in the draft. Both will be on running back by committee teams, but apparently the odds makers like the chances that Mendenhall will overtake or steal carries from Willie Parker more than Jones doing the same with Marion Barber.

The biggest shocker is that Kevin Smith in Detroit, a 3rd round pick and #64 overall is at 9-1 odds, the 4th most favorite person to win the rookie of the year! 7 running backs were chosen before Smith but he is the 3rd favorite running back to win the award. Do they know something we don't? Sure he's probably going to start, but that certainly does not guarantee success in Detroit, i mean have they had a good running back there since Barry Sanders? Also surprising is that Matt Forte, the 44th pick in the draft is at 13-1 odds to win, ahead of Chris Johnson, the 24th pick, who is at 18-1. They must not think highly of the RB situation in Tennessee.

At Defensive Rookie of the Year the odds makers are liking Chris Long at 4-1 odds. Long is followed by Vernon Gholston at 5-1, Derrick Harvey at 7-1, Keith Rivers at 10-1, and Jerod Mayo and Glen Dorsey at 12-1 odds.

I find these odds interesting because looking at who the odds makers like for the rookies of the year might be an early indicator of how well a team did in drafting its players. Dorsey was drafted before Gholston but the odds makers think Gholston has a better chance of being the best rookie defender in 2008. Sedrick Ellis who was taken just after Gholston has 16-1 odds of winning the title while Derrick Harvey who was taken after Ellis is 7-1. This might lead one to believe that some of those later picks might have been better picks.

I'm going to discount that theory right now just for the defensive rookie of the year selection because I think the odds distribution probably has to do more with Long, Gholston and Harvey playing DE as opposed to DT, a more "glamorous" line position. However, since 1997 a linebacker has won the award 8 out of the last 11 years with a defensive end winning just twice and a corner (Charles Woodson) winning once. This might lead one to believe there is some value in picking one of the linebackers if you were a gambling man since it appears like the odds makers are overvaluing the defensive ends and undervaluing the linebackers that were taken. The last time a defensive tackle has won the award was 1994, I'd stay away.

Plenty more interesting bets to look at for sure including which Redskins rookie receiver will have the most yards (Devin Thomas is the favorite at -145), which Ravens QB will throw the most touchdowns (Flacco is at 21-20 odds there) and which rookie QB will start a game first between Brian Brohm (-110) and John David Booty (-130).

All of this is interesting to look at and helps to give another, possibly more unbiased, look at the NFL season ahead. Should be a fun year, is it training camp time already?

All odds from Bodog.com

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Owned By Soccer Goal

Not only did he miss the shot, but he didn't miss the pole. That is a lose lose situation there. As the kids say, dude was pwnd.

Two Man Enter, One Man Leave

13:45 and counting. No more bullshit. Manchester United is through. One semifinal left. Chelsea vs. Liverpool. 2:45 EST. Only one genre has the words. Yacht Rock.

What I Thought Was A B**ch Was Nuthin' But A Man

When will the bad times end for AC Milan and Brazil striker Ronaldo? Once he was almost the greatest soccer player in the history of the universe. Now he's fat, gimpy and getting rolled by trannies.

Ronaldo was questioned by police in Sao Paulo after being caught with transvestite hookers in a motel room. He claimed the bitches set him up (Marion Barry would be proud) and tried to extort money out of him. He was unaware that the hookers were trannies until they got to the hotel but he was aware that they were prostitutes.

[Police inspector Carlos Augusto] Nogueira said the altercation began when Ronaldo found out he was dealing with transvestites instead of women. The inspector said Ronaldo admitted he knew they were prostitutes when they met earlier Sunday night but did not realize they were transvestites until they got to the motel.

"He admitted to everything, he wanted to have fun," Nogueira said. "But he committed no crime at all, it was immoral at best."

...The AC Milan striker told police he offered to pay the transvestites anyway, but before he left one of them allegedly asked for $30,000 to hide the story from the media.

The prostitutes claimed Ronaldo also asked for drugs but he denied this in a statement to Globo TV.

Prostitution isn't a crime in Brazil so Ronaldo isn't in trouble with the law.He must be happy that he won't be going back to Milan in the near future. AC Milan owner, Italian prime minister and all-around buffoon Silvio Berlusconi probably ordered him to use hookers to keep his cardio up while rehabbing his knee.

Perhaps Madonna Hasn't Finished Off Guy Ritchie's Soul Yet

Here's a preview of Guy Ritchie's new Nike Football commercial which will be shown in its entirety during today's Champions League match between Manchester United and Barcelona. It features Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo, Cesc Fabregas, William "Wah" Gallas, Marco Materazzi, and Arsene Wenger. Ronaldinho, Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Ruud Van Horseyface also appear in the ad.

Tigers Fans Start Drinking Young

You know your season is going bad when 7 year olds are drinking in the stands. 47 year old Tigers fan, Christopher Ratte lost custody of his son for a week because his 7 year old son was caught drinking a bottle of Mikes Hard Lemonade in the stands. Ratte's son was thirsty towards the end of a game and asked for a bottle of lemonade and Ratte obliged but he unknowingly purchased his son a bottle of "hard lemonade", not knowing that it contained any alcohol.

"I'd never drunk it, never purchased it, never heard of it," Ratte of Ann Arbor told [the reporter] sheepishly last week. "And it's certainly not what I expected when I ordered a lemonade for my 7-year-old."

A security guard saw the boy drinking it, took the bottle away from the kid, scolded the parent, called the police over and took Ratte in for questioning for an hour while his son was taken to a hospital for observation. The child was then kept from Ratte and his wife for two days in foster care, then once released, it was another week before Ratte could go back to his house and be around his son.

Bit of an overreaction sure, but, sadly, the officials all pretty much followed the law on this one. Still though, quite a mess. Poor kid probably had no idea what was going on...and not because he was hittin the bottle hard. Apparently the kid didn't even get drunk. All of that and he didn't even get sauced? Methinks that 7 year old already has a pretty solid tolerance...or Mike's is just a weak excuse for an alcoholic beverage. I want to believe the former is true, but the reality is the latter.

Of course, if i were a fan of the Tigers right now, I would be tipping back as many beers as I could to make it through a game...oh wait, i'm a Nationals fan...they're so sad I'm drunk right now and its an off game. Go Nats!

From Detroit Free Press

The guys at FanIQ are celebrating the 25th anniversary of Lee Elia's rant on Cubs fans. You have to click here to listen to the clip of the greatest sports tirade ever. EVER.

Barry Bonds Doesn't Need A Team To Win

This is almost a half hour of footage of Barry Bonds taking on a Japanese comedian for some Japanese television show. You get to see some of Barry at his bulked up best, cranking balls left and right out of a small ballpark in California, beating the crap out of his opponent in a live action Baseball Board Game.

That alone is cool to watch but the amazing thing here is how much Barry seems to be genuinely enjoying himself. I don't ever think I've seen Bonds smile and laugh this much, ever. It's actually quite fun to watch him playing baseball without the weight of the world bearing down on his shoulders. Barry Bonds smiling, laughing and having fun, it's been a long time. You forget how likable he can be when he doesn't have the media and professional pressures beating him down.

Watch it now before it gets taken down because it probably will soon.

Bonds Art From George Vlosich's Art Gallery

The Hand Check Is Illegal But....

...no one said anything about a groin check. No foul here...totally legal.

Constitutional Vol. "Two In A Row"

Who woulda thought I could get two of these up in a row? I surely didn't. Enjoy the links...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• Whats up with Ian Kennedy? Dugout Central
  


• Shea Hillenbrand was bitten by his pet lemur? So many questions... Bill Palmer Sports
  


• Bloggers should help sign a card for Erin Andrew's 30th Birthday Bash. Busted Coverage
  


• Where does EZE get these girls, and why have I not been invited to a party with them? EBSports Blog
  


• Do NOT disagree with Chris Mortensen. Intentional Foul
  


• Joe Johnson went "NOVA" last night. Hardwood Paroxysm
  


• Proper NFL preparation includes how to use steroids...wait, huh? Steroid Nation
  


• Fixing annoying team nicknames. The Legend of Cecilio Guante
  


• Soulja Boy & Lebron hold a (Mock) Press Conference. Sedano Show
  

Roger Clemens Likes Em Young?

The NY Daily News is reporting that Roger Clemens had a 10 year affair with country music star Mindy McCready that started when she was just 15 years old. At the time Clemens was 28 years old and pitching for the Red Sox, with a wife and two kids. They are also reporting that Clemens denies their friendship was of a sexual nature, but admits that they were friends during that time period.

"He flatly denies having had any kind of an inappropriate relationship with her," [Clemens attorney Rusty] Hardin said. "He's considered her a close family friend. ... He has never had a sexual relationship with her."

Hardin said the Rocket's wife, Debbie, knew McCready and that the singer had traveled on his plane.

Riiiiiight Roger. I know a ton of professional athletes that consider 15 year old girls to be close personal friends and allow them to fly on their personal planes all the time without having to give any sexual favors whatsoever. It's practically standard practice in the MLB isn't it? Isn't it?? Anyway, if he was giving the bone to a 15 year old girl with stars in her eyes, the emotional damage that usually follows might explain some of the reasons why McCready is so messed up as a human being to this day. If you don't know, McCready has quite a storied past including identity theft, assault and battery, DUIs, a drug overdose, a suicide attempt, and parole violation. She apparently is addicted to Oxycontin (an opiate) and served a year in jail for her parole violation. That's her in a glamorous photoshoot mugshot there. Hottie fo' sho', well maybe she was when she was 15. Ew...lets not think about that.

Roger is sure gonna have some 'splaining to do and more denials just isn't cutting it. It's tough to believe every single story that has been written about this guy has been wrong or misremembered or whatever. It just smells off to me, bad news is all around this guy lately. Say what you will about Barry Bonds, but at least there are no stories about that guy doing this to a girl.

From NY Daily News

Condom Killer Loose In Chapel Hill

Ramming speed! One usually thinks of a child killing his or her parent to escape an abusive situation or over a dispute about money. It usually doesn't occur because the son wants to be the UNC mascot.

Former mascot Rameses XVII was given a Kool Moe Dee Death Blow by his son, Pablo during a battle over the right to lead the Tar Heels football team out on the field this fall.

Rameses and Pablo shared a field at Hogan's farm outside Carrboro. On April 13, they butted heads, as rams are occasionally wont. This particular collision was so jarring that it snapped off one of the older ram's horns.

The son Pablo, 3, will take the name Rameses XVIII and succeed his slain father as Carolina mascot, keeper Rob Hogan said.

Doesn't Pablo know what happened to Commodus in Gladiator? His reign will not end well. It is written. Never trust your children.

How's That Jason Kidd Trade Working Out?

Not a Flagrant 2?



Now that's leadership. Nice knowing you, Avery.

From Odenized

Evo Morales: President And Maradona?

Bolivian president Evo Morales has solved Bolivia's class and gas problems. He must have since he's found enough time to join a second-division soccer team.

Morales joined second-division Litoral and played 41 minutes in a loss to Deportivo Municipal. Surprisingly he didn't score. If you're the president, you should be able to fix the match. He doesn't have a problem trying to fix laws and the economy so why should a soccer game be any different?

How great would it be if presidents and prime ministers had a phys ed requirement? Gordon Brown could be forced to do rhythmic gymnastics. Mahmoud Ahmedinejad would make a great jockey. If Ariel Sharon didn't choke himself out on shawarma and hummus, he would have made a solid professional wrestler.

It Ain't Over Yet

Avram's victory hearse may roll down King's Road yet.

Karl Malone: Father of the Year

Karl Malone's powerful man juice has now spread beyond the world of professional basketball and into the world of professional football. It's widely known that one of former NBA great Karl Malone's bastard children is budding WNBA superstar Cheryl Ford (who was born the same year as his daughter with his current wife), but now the world will get to know another creation of Karl Malone's super DNA, new Buffalo Bills offensive lineman Demetrius Bell.

Unfortunately for Bell, he didn't get the chance to reconnect with his dead-beat father like Ford did. While Ford currently enjoys a dad-daughter relationship with Malone, Bell tried to connect with Karl and got this response:

"It was too late for him to be his father and that Bell would 'earn his money on his own,'"

Damn Karl, that's cold. Besides playing football at a reasonably high level, Demetrius was a decent ballplayer too, taking Northwestern State to the NCAA tournament in 2006 and beating Iowa. He also shares his father's proclivity for finely trimmed beards. I guess Karl didn't think he was was enough of a prospect to earn his attention or something?

Maybe he should have tried to contact him before he was 18 like Ford did so he could get some child support money...or maybe he had the mistake of being conceived while Karl Malone was actually married to his current wife? Oops, tough luck kid...don't try to take no money from the Mailman now. You earn that on your own since you're an adult, no child support for you son. Good thing you got into the NFL, boy.

Either way, Karl Malone, for your promiscuity and your blatant disregard for the holy sacrament of marriage, the use of birth control, and the responsibility for the care of all of your children (even the ones you want to forget about) you sir, deserve to be nominated for father of the year. The Deuce's hat is off to you Karl, but really, true congratulations goes out to Demetrius Bell for making it to the pros without any of that asshat's help.

From NFL.com

Seagalogy should be a major at every college and university

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Here's a thought in case you're thinking about advertising the fact that you're in the cheating market on Facebook. Don't.

University of Buffalo's Andy Robinson (posterized on the right) tried to solicit someone to read a book and write a 3-4 page paper on it.

Robinson admitted posting a message on [Facebook] last week that read: “I am paying anybody who have read the book ‘there are no children here’ by Alex Kotlowitz $30-40 which in some classes you have to read at UB (even more money if you have to read the book a little more!!) to write a 3-4 page paper, on a couple questions which was assigned.”

Robinson was suspended indefinitely for his efforts after another student saw the posting and alerted the school newspaper. He took it down and completed the assignment.

For his next trick, Robinson will solicit ladyboys and untaxed cigarettes on MySpace. The enriched uranium requests will go on Friendster.

Robinson should consider himself lucky. Honor code violators at UVA are strung up and beaten like Russians clubbing the fuck out of a baby seal.

It's not bad enough that they have Landycakes. Now the LA Galaxy hates your freedom.

Caption Contest: NFL Draft Edition

This picture comes via the front page of SportingNews.com as of 11:00 Sunday night. Did I miss something? What hell is going on here?

Don't worry, Rick. No one's calling you.

Multiply The B**ch Up

"Yeah ho, 7th Floor after the game. Bring some Magnums...Nah, nah it ain't like that. Ho's short for honey. We drop the "ney" like you drop to your knees."

I received great news today via text. I can't consider it anything other than destiny. I knew having the 7th Floor Crew on my iPod and as MySpace friends would pay off. Now I can blast them every Sunday when Tavares "T-Good" Gooden a.k.a. the Big Dick Bandit or Seventh Floor King Ding-A-Ling lines up with the Baltimore Ravens. Best pick of the draft as far as I'm concerned.

He needs to get in the studio with Ray Lewis, Ed Reed and Willis McGahee to make some hot tracks as the Pigtown Crew ASAP.

Constitutional Vol. "Post NFL Draft Linkage"

Been a long time since we've had one of these eh? Now is as good a time as any to throw out some links. Maybe i can try to make this a regular thing...at least for a week or so. We'll see. I doubt it. I spent this past weekend following the NFL draft on my blackberry, while I was wandering around doing wedding stuff. Not the way I really envisioned my NFL draft day festivities. I even attended a bridal convention this weekend, and if you don't know what one of those is, then consider yourself lucky. Its a level of hell I do not wish upon any man. In any case, welcome to the Constitutional:

• You have to scroll down to read the last line of this Mock Draft. It's worth it. Detroit Free Press


• Barry Zito apologizes for sucking. MLB.com


• Great post of the top 10 celebrity pinball machines ever. I want to buy all of them. On 205th
  


• The Odenized video playoffs is still going on. NESW Sports


• Australia has signed a vocal coach to get their fans louder...seriously. The Beautiful Game


• For all you Redskins fans, he's a quality draft recap for you in case you missed it. Hogs Haven


• Brian Billick, your new Fox Analyst. The Ebony Bird


• The Mets' Joe Smith caught heckling the fans...this video was taken off the Metsblog, corporate shenanigans abound. Can't Stop The Bleeding


• Following in the Deuce's proud tradition of what's new in non-sports we have an "other" sports update. Food Court Lunch


• Packers don't seem to be showing much faith in Aaron Rogers. Larry Brown Sports


• Undercover male prostitutes found around the home of the Wizards/Capitals. Truthaboutit


• Gator tries to eat man on golf course. Tampa Online
  


• A 6 year look at MLB team valuations...as a stat's geek, this is fun stuff. The Biz of Baseball
  


• Football Outsiders go to town on the NFL draft. Interesting reading. Football Outsiders
  


• Take the NFL Referee quiz. Why not? East Coast Bias