A former Dallas Cowboy is under investigation for distributing steroids and no, it's not Nate Newton. You know he's all about the tweed.

The Man Is Not Happy

Ozzie Guillen better watch out for secret weapon White She-Devil on the South Side. The "Venezuelan piece of shit that is racist and only starts the Latin players" (as some Chisox fans call him) doesn't play whitey.

Guillen surprisingly has been taking the criticism in a calm manner.

''I got a bunch of e-mails that said I played the 'Cuban Missile' [rookie Alexei Ramirez in the season opener] because he's Cuban,'' Guillen said. ''Wow, did you see the spring training the 'Cuban Missile' had? You would play him, too. I don't make a lineup because of who is Latino and who is not. That's ignorant. The 'Cuban Missile' had bad games because he went against C.C. [Sabathia] and [Fausto] Carmona.

''The one thing people need to understand is it takes me a long time to make the lineup. It's not easy. But people say some dumb things.''

If anyone would know anything about saying dumb things sometimes, it would be Guillen. However, the guy is great and it's refreshing to have someone like him in the league. It would be better if more managers spoke their minds. He could be the off-brand Jose Mourinho.

We suppose the term hypocrisy would be lost on White Sox fans who spew racism while accusing Guillen of the same. Boston fans better step their racialist game up.

Sheeeit, I Didn't Have Anything To Do With That

Mike Martz wasted no time in throwing the Detroit Lions under the bus.

“In Detroit we were not a good football team,” said Mike Martz, who joined San Francisco after he was fired as the Lions’ offensive coordinator. “We were last in the NFL on defense and when you have to throw the football to win, that’s not a good thing. We weren’t good enough on the offensive line to protect him and throw the ball like we did. When I was with the Rams, we were. The number of hits on the quarterback when I was with the Rams near the end of my time there was about the middle of the pack. In the early goings, it was actually very low and we were ranked near the best in the league.”

Martz made the comment to 49ers fans at a "chalk talk" session. He is right about the Lions not being a good team. We hate to break it to him but the Niners aren't very good either. However, they don't have Matt Millen or an assistant that likes to get naked and drunk drive to the drive-thru. That's like being spotted 2-3 games.

What Would Max Mosley Do?

Good thing F1 boss and sexual holocauster Max Mosley doesn't own Chelsea. He would most certainly deal with defender Tal Ben Haim in a harsh manner.

Ben Haim put keeper Petr Cech out for the season after running into Cech's face with his cleats during training on Sunday. The cleats caused a laceration straight to Cech's jawbone. He received "30 stitches sewn in the deepest area of the wound that stretches from his bottom lip to his chin, a further 20 on the outside of his face and also required plastic surgery 'for aesthetic reasons'.

The collision was an accident but nonetheless puts Chelsea in the position of having one legitimate keeper coming into the Premiership and CL homestretches. All we need is for something to happen to backup keeper Carlo Cudicini and we could have a repeat of last season. If Ben Haim insists on being slow and useless, the least he could do is not injure his own teammates.

Speaking of Herr Mosley, his weak pleas that his Nazi orgy had nothing to do with Nazis have been bukkaked back in his face. Wunderbar! One of the hookers who participated in the orgy reported by News of the World claims that he ordered the Nazi orgy by name. "Max KNEW last week's orgy was to have a Nazi theme—he ORDERED it!"

"We were only following orders," said [News of the World's] informant, who does not wish to be identified. but admits she was one of five prostitutes who turned up at Mosley's Chelsea dungeon at 11.30am on Friday, March 28.

"Max told Mistress Switch that he wanted a German dominatrix and she got one—Mistress Zena. She's German and wore a German military uniform. Then Mistress Abi was booked and had to be in German uniform, too—a German Luftwaffe tunic. All the outfits come from army surplus stores.

..."And I was told to expect a very strong Nazi theme, including demeaning body inspections, brutality and that two submissive girls, called Leah and JD, must play the parts of camp inmates.

One has to appreciate that the ho used the Nuremberg defense. Daniel Day-Lewis would be proud. Never break character.

It's easy to see why one would mistake the events that took place for a Nazi-themed orgy. Apologies due to Herr Mosley. His papers seem to be in order.

We Need Some Maury Povich Up In Here

Michael Jordan's mistress just wont quit. Lisa Miceli is opposing a February injunction, forbidding her from having contact with Jordan because the crazy beeyotch won't leave him alone about her baby, and is calling for a third paternity test. A third! Twice before MJ has been tested and twice before it has been determined that he was not the father of her child like she is still trying to claim.

You know what this means of course...MJ needs Maury. Obviously going on the Maury Povich show is the only way that this woman will believe that he is NOT the father and quit her golddigging ways. Someone needs to make this happen. I want to see MJ do this

From Popcrunch

Ballin? Yes We Can

Looks like everyone's getting on the Obama bandwagon.

Fox Sports reports that Oregon State has hired Brown basketball coach Craig Robinson as their next men's head basketball coach. Robinson is Obama's brother-in-law. The Clinton campaign will probably come out in support of Oregon in the next couple of days.

College Basketball HOF Inductees Kinda Suck

Dick Vitale will be inducted into the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame on November 23 and Hell must have just started to freeze over. Its certainly not for his coaching as Dickie V was a college basketball coach for just 5 years from 1972-1977 at the University of Detroit before jumping to the Detroit Pistons in '78 and getting fired the next season. Granted during his 5 years at Detroit he sported a 78-30 record but he only made the NCAA tournament (then just 32 teams) once but that isn't enough to get him into the hall of fame. No, his "inspirational" televised buffoonery is what gets Dickie V in as a contributor to the game.

“I can’t run, can’t jump, can’t shoot and I’ve got a body by linguini,” Vitale said. “But I’ve been honored by those halls of fame for one reason: Enthusiasm.”

Enthusiasm that's what he calls it. Right.

Moving on, amazingly, Dickie V isnt the worst inductee into this year's class. That honor belongs to the incomparable Bill Raftery. Raftery is another announcer in the televised buffoonery vein with an even worse college head coaching record than Vitale. Raftery rocks a solid 154-141 career record as Seton Hall's head coach but unlike Vitale, he actually did play in college. That record certainly isn't what makes him an even worse selection to the college basketball hall of fame, it's really that his announcing sucks worse than Vitale somehow. Vitale occasionally makes sense even though he is usually wrong, Raftery never does.

Rounding out this stellar class are players Danny Manning, one of the greatest college players ever to have destroyed his knee 26 times in the NBA, Charles Barkley, no real argument there and the one of the few highlights of the class, and Arnie Ferrin, Utah's only four time All-American...which happened in the 1920s. Also joining them are coaches Nolan Richardson, who hasn't done anything since he played the race card smack out of college hoops and into coaching Panamanian and Mexican Olympic hopefuls, and Jim Phelan, who with 830 wins and 1321 games coached should have been in awhile ago.

Lets add this all up: 2 blowhard announcers, 1 coach who pissed off a state and can't get a job anywhere but South America, 1 player who peaked in college and might have set a pro record for knee surgeries, 1 player who has had over 80 years to get into the hall of fame and JUST got in, and 2 people who you can't say much about other than, its about time. Sounds like a good time. Charles, what do you think about being inducted into the hall of fame with this stellar class?

From the Fort Worth Star-Telegram

Maybe The NHL Is Plundering Russia After All

Now the Russian League has to resort to circus animals to fill team rosters. Shame.

WHAT!! DRUNK?? YEAH!!

Nothing says success like a pimp chalice. Of course, people will want to know what is in your cup. Here is where the real is separated from the weave. Make sure you're real and not unbeweavable by drinking only the best. Wines from Little Jonathan Winery. WHAT!! YEAH!!

The Cleveland Three-Card Monte

The Cleveland Three-Card Monte isn't as famous as the Cleveland Steamer yet but give it some time. If Phil Savage pulls a couple more moves like this, the whole world will know the Cleveland Monte. Perhaps not as well as the Donkey Punch but close enough.

Browns GM Phil Savage resigned QB Derek Anderson to a 3year, $26 million extension in part for his play last season but also to spite the Cowboys and Dolphins. Wha?

Savage admitted that he was worried that Dallas would sign Anderson then trade him to the Dolphins and he just couldn't have that.

Dallas would have signed Anderson to a big contract and included a "poison pill," which would have made it impossible for the Browns to match the offer.

Dallas would have compensated the Browns with first- and third-round picks. They would be the Cowboys' original selections, No. 28 overall in both rounds.

Dallas would have traded Anderson and their other first-round pick - No. 22 overall, obtained from the Browns last year - to Miami for the No. 1 overall pick in the draft. The Cowboys then would select Arkansas running back Darren McFadden with that pick.

Savage was suspicious that Bill Parcells wouldn't return calls before the Feb. 29 tender deadline. He just couldn't live starting a douchebag at QB and we have to respect that.

There would be nothing to see here if that were the only reason Savage boxed out the Cowboys. However our resident conspiracy theorist "also thought the Cowboys would lend Parcells a hand in the transaction partly to tweak the Browns for looking good in the Brady Quinn trade of a year ago, which resulted in a much lower pick for the Cowboys than anticipated."

Yeeeeah that's it. The Cowboys already have their own douchebag who dates never-been singers and chokes under pressure. We're surprised Romo wasn't in the hot tub with Leinart and Lachey. It must suck when you don't get invited to amateur hour. Tom Brady's probably laughing at these clowns and think, "Dude, I was so never like that." as he blocks out the fact that he dated the same Tara Reid as Kyle Boller.

Fuck it. We already got political even though we said we wouldn't. If getting political means pinching the squid then we'd sure like to get political with Amy Holmes. When it comes to looks, you can keep your HRC. We brought it back to the gutter. You happy?

A Dishonest Footballer In England??

Heavens to Mergatroid! Next thing, you're going to tell me that Mr. Mugabe is not an honorable man. It's ridiculous how some British like to hold themselves above the rest of Europe as though they are immune to problems that affect other countries on the continent. Kind of like...Oh we don't want to get too political here. We see the assclowns from all sides that comment on most political sites. No wonder we elect the hacks we do in this country.

The English press has had a free-for-all over bribery and corruption in the continental leagues but in the words of Malcolm X and Rev. Wright, the chickens have come home to roost. Don't they always? Where else would they go? I want my chickens where I can see them.

The Independent reports that a footballer with a £50,000 gambling debt admitted that he fixed a match in the past two years to satisfy the debt. The unnamed player, who fell victim to Gamlor and is now in rehab, confessed that his bookie promised to release him from the debt if he got himself sent off and had three teammates booked. All the above happened as planned and the player checked himself into rehab as he was "ashamed and full of remorse" like Mark Foley without the booze (booze meaning boy love).

The suggestion that any match has been fixed – or that significant events within it have been rigged – is a nightmare scenario for football's authorities. It is confirmation that football in Britain is not immune to the corruption that has recently blighted other nations – including Italy, Germany and Poland – albeit with personal addiction as a driving force, as opposed to institutional corruption or large-scale criminal syndicates in those cases.

Institutional corruption or large-scale criminal syndicates could never affect football in Britain. Sheeeit, the suggestion that somehow British football is immune to the same factors that cause continental corruption is absurd. "Oh that could never happen here." Guess what? It is. People are fooling themselves if they think it isn't. There's too much money, ego and stupidity in the game these days.

Gambling is a problem with people including athletes the world over. There's no reason British football should be any different. There are players who consider suicide because of gambling addiction just as there are many whose careers and family lives are affected. When young players are getting paid the way professional athletes do in the top leagues, there are going to be issues related to excess including gambling. Just ask Michael Jordan, Michael Owen and Art Schlichter of the late, great Baltimore Colts. Damn you to hell, Elway and Irsay.

Currently the FA allows players to bet on matches in which they have no involvement or could influence. American sports leagues seem to take a hardline stance especially in light of the Tim Donaghy scandal. Leagues outside of the US take a more flexible position such as the FA. People including athletes are going to bet on sports and it seems silly to pretend gambling doesn't exist when we constantly pay attention to point spreads and it generates so much money. However people do need to believe that the results they see are legit. What is the middle ground? Mustafa is going back to the lab until he has an answer.

Thank You Chris Henry

Just when you thought the Bengals would get through the off-season without any arrests, Chris Henry comes to the rescue like the Brown Hornet.

A warrant has been issued for Henry's arrest after an incident where Henry allegedly punched an 18-year old kid and broke his car window with a beer bottle.

We can't wait to hear what Carson Palmer has to say about this. Jay Cutler just threw Brandon Marshall under the bus so Palmer has to wreck Henry.

Henry, in turn, has thrown down the gauntlet for the rest of the Bengals. It seemed as though no one was willing to step up and get in trouble with the law. This is a call to arms!

"Aye, get arrested and you may get suspended. Hide and you'll play -- at least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our paychecks but they'll never take our (figurative) FREEDOM!!"

Who's with him?

Our Little Danny's All Growns Up

Tom Cruise, wife Katie Holmes and Chelsea midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips at a Redskins game

He's all growns up and he's all growns up! At least that's what Lil' Danny like you to think.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder insists that he's matured after a few missteps along the way.

"There are a bunch of things I wish I would have done differently," Mr. Snyder told The Washington Times yesterday at the annual NFL meetings. "I've made plenty of mistakes, but I've learned from my mistakes as a good entrepreneur, a good CEO would do. I've matured. I wasn't patient enough in certain areas early on. I didn't understand the game the way I do now. I didn't understand the agents, the contractual relationship with the salary cap, the importance of the age of players. Now it's easy for me, second nature."

It's so easy that he made the Redskins a laughing stock this off-season after their comedic, slapstick coaching search that ended up with Jim Zorn after 1,000 assistants said no and used the team for leverage with their current teams.

Let's not even talk about his love for Tom Cruise-sized receivers. Oh yeah, things are really gonna change for the maroon and black this season.

Has Arthur Blank Been Getting High Off His Own Supply?

Don't be surprised if you see Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank roaming the aisles of your local Home Depot mumbling, "I can't quit you, Ron" while huffing glue like a Brazilian street kid. What other reason could he have for talking about the redemption of Michael Vick?

Blank spoke with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's Steve Wyche in an interview about the state of the Falcons. He admitted that he has been in touch with Vick and that they have written each other several times.

Q: Have you been in touch with Michael Vick?

A: Michael has written a couple times. I've written him back. We have that kind of relationship. Despite the mixture of frustration, anger and disappointment in him, I believe in second chances and redemption. I would love to see Michael pay his debt to society and come out and play again in the NFL. I think he could also be a big help to ... speak to people about some of his choices.

Q: Would you welcome him back to the Falcons?

A: I would not say yes. I would not say no. At this point, Michael is in a federal penitentiary [on a dogfighting conviction] and is suspended from football. We have to move forward. We are moving forward. We have to assume he's not coming back. I do wish him well. I'd love to see him play again. It would be good for the NFL.

Of course Vick should get another chance in the NFL once he's served his sentence however one has to question the possibility of Vick returning to the Falcons. The Falcons' acceptance of him would almost be equivalent to the battered wife taking back the abusive husband. He had plenty of chances and burned the team at every turn. The team is a wreck in large part because of him. Let's also give Bobby Petrino his props.

The Falcons need to make a clean break and start fresh. Let some other team like the Bengals make Vick their redemption project. We can't imagine Blank would seriously consider taking him back but someone might want to check the glue stock in case.

You Don't Win Friends With Salad

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the greatest technology known to man: The iHam.

Can't Truss It

It was a great time to be a baseball fan in Chicago during 2003 unless you were on the South Side. I remember following the Cubs trip to the playoffs with the excitement of someone who didn't have a vested interest besides wanting to see a Cubs-Red Sox World Series so the Cubs fans could finally get the monkey off their backs and Red Sox fans could come within touching distance of the prize before having it ripped away once again.

I was sitting in a Chicago bar with a friend watching Game 6 and everything was on track until the Bartman. At least that's what most people think. Everyone remembers some guy reaching out and interfering with Moises Alou as he tried to make a catch. The ball fell foul and the Cubs' dream of reaching the World Series immediately fell into the toilet. Everyone blames Steve Bartman for the Cubs losing that Series but most forget Alex Gonzalez committing a colossal fuckup error that led to eight runs instead of closing out the inning. It was also Game 6 but everyone including myself knew the Cubs weren't winning Game 7.

Five years later, Moises Alou has finally admitted that there was no way he would have caught that ball. Really, dude? It must have taken so much for you to come forward. Saying that earlier might have saved Bartman from the death threats and pariah status he still carries instead of saying that you hoped he didn't regret it the rest of his life. Shit, Salman Rushdie comes out in public and he has a fatwa against him. When was the last time anyone saw Bartman? He's become the chupacabra of Chicago.

Why You Gotta Be All Racialist And S**t

While we may say we're related to Billy Ocean because it just sounds different enough to be believable, people may be a little skeptical of the Deuce's views on race. Don't judge us based on the fact that we're named after a shit joke or think being related to Billy Ocean makes us experts on race. We're so much more than that.

Saying that, I still have no idea why Europeans call slights against people from different regions or religions "racialist". I do like saying that much more than "racist". It's deep like the mind of Minolta.

If there's one country that's good at being racialist on the DL, it's France. Never mind that "liberté, égalité, fraternité" nonsense if you're not white. Apparently northern France gets no love either.

The city of Lens is in a tizzy over the French Cup final against PSG in Paris. A banner translated into "Paedophiles, unemployed, inbred: welcome chez les Ch'tis" was unfurled during the match. The banner refers to a popular movie about people from northern France.


Lens mayor Guy Delacourt is demanding a replay as though the banner had anything to do with the performances on the pitch.

'Even if we had won the game, I would have asked for a replay,' Delcourt, who is also a member of parliament, told a news conference on Sunday.

'I took the banner as an insult to all the people of northern France, to all the mineworkers who died for our country,' he added.

'I'm going to file a complaint and I'm asking the judge to hear as a witness President Nicolas Sarkozy and all the ministers who attended the game. We'll go all the way. It's an affair of state.'

First, no one should listen to anyone whose first name is Guy or Bro. Disco Guy Lafleur may get a pass because his first name is Disco. Second, Mayor Guy should know better than to think France is actually going to be pro-active when it comes to matters of discrimination. Anyway, Sarkozy is too busy getting it on with his missus to worry about northern monkeys being insulted by southern fairies.

Speaking of Billy Ocean, why has no one pointed out that Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car is a stalker/child molester theme song? "Hey you, get into my car! Who me? Yes you, get into my car!" Reading the lyrics is like reading a stalker or NAMBLA playbook. Change the car to a white van for kids. Billy should be ashamed.

Steve Bisciotti Says _________________ Is Not An Offensive Genius

Someone get the license of that bus that wrecked Brian Billick. Baltimore Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti wasted no words in explaining the circumstances of Brian Billick's firing.

SUN: Billick said he was never given a reason for his firing. Have you talked to him since his dismissal?

SB: No, I haven't talked to him. I certainly will this spring. I've been through thousands of hirings and hundreds of firings in my business career. As Brian stated [in February], it was clear that I had made up my mind and there was no reason to push it any further. You know how much I care about Brian. No matter how detailed the reasons, he's not going to agree with them. That's my experience with this process. I'm in the enviable or the unenviable position depending on how you look at it of being the person that ultimately has to decide that we need change.

Bisciotti chalked up Billick's firing to a "deterioration of confidence in him and his coaching staff". He agreed that the players' feelings about Billick led him to fire the offensive genius after giving him a vote of confidence earlier in the season.

There's something refreshing about Bisciotti's honesty except when he says that Steve McNair can be the starting quarterback this upcoming season. Lie to me, Stevie. Tell me sweet little lies. It's bad enough the Orioles have already met expectations with 161 games left.

Don't feel too bad for Billick. Just wait until he goes head to head with Emmitt Smith on Countdown. Welcome to your personal hell, genius.

Day Labor Ain't For Salvadorans Any More

I'm Giving Up Love My Baby

It's always tough to see two people in love go through a bad patch. We've seen it with Tom Arnold and Roseanne. Bobby and Whitney. R. Kelly and that underage girl. Say it ain't so, Jay and Brandon.

Denver Broncos QB Jay Cutler is sick of WR Brandon Marshall's shit and he's not gonna take it anymore.

"I support him and stuff, but it's always something with him right now," Cutler told a small media contingent at Dove Valley in a wide-ranging, surprisingly candid interview.

...The third-year quarterback admitted about Marshall, only half- joking, that "He's not my favorite person right now."

"This wasn't like his DUI and other stuff he's had. It was an accident. But, still, stuff like this can't happen," Cutler said. "Hopefully, this is the last."

As to Marshall's claim that the horseplay that led to his arm injury was a wake-up call,

"I mean, a DUI is a wake-up call. He's had many wake-up calls," Cutler said. "He's been in (coach Mike) Shanahan's office many times. I've been up there with him and he's said the same thing, 'It's a wake-up call, a lot of things are going to happen.' Blah, blah, blah. Until he goes out and proves it, we'll see what happens."

It's hard to see Jake Plummer or Brian Griese stepping up like Cutler. Plummer would just walk away and Griese would trip ... sorry, fall over shitfaced in the driveway and knock himself out before showing any kind of leadership.

Cutler didn't stop there. He proceeded to call out Javon Walker, the left tackles, the kicker, management and the beer guy. It's about time Denver had some leadership at the QB position. Hopefully that'll keep him safe when the left tackle lets the blitz through on the weak side as revenge for selling him short.

Cycling's Not For Suckas

I'd be more into professional cycling if this happened more often. Adding roller derby to the mix would seal the deal.

I don't even know what to say. Jay Leno's spot on about the upcoming American version of Top Gear.

Any Day's Alright For Fighting On Convict Island

Poor Simon Cowley. He has a name similar to Simon Cowell and he was beat up by a swimmer. Maybe it's something about being on an island but it doesn't take much to set off the Aussies or English.

Australian swimmer Nick D'Arcy is looking at a possible 10 years in jail for decking fellow swimmer Crowley after being told to stop bragging. Isn't the whole country a jail? If so, isn't he already in jail? Maybe it's an existential jail.

D'Arcy was out celebrating on Monday morning after finding out he was chosen for this summer's Australian Olympic squad. Cowley and his training partner met D'Arcy after throwing down with The Thorpedo.

"Everyone was in great spirits but D'Arcy was creating problems before the incident took place," a source said. "He was acting like a goose and mouthing off, and it was becoming a bit full-on."

It is understood Thorpe left the bar about 12.30am but Cowley, Sullivan and D'Arcy decided to stay on.

"It would be fair to say Nick was going down hill and was mouthing off at a few people and just being a smart a*** basically," a witness said.

It is claimed Cowley told D'Arcy to tone down his behaviour and gave him a gentle slap on his face. It was claimed D'Arcy struck back with his elbow, leaving Cowley bleeding on the floor.

D'Arcy put Cowley in the hospital with multiple facial fractures. Keep in mind D'Arcy did this with one hit and after 12 beers.

[Cowley's] father Peter said Cowley faced a long recovery. "He has a broken nose, the top part of his jaw is broken and pushed back, on one side his cheekbone is crushed, and on the other there's a fracture up towards his eye socket," Mr Cowley said. "He will have some plates put into his face in an operation later this week."

D'Arcy's in all kinds of trouble. Besides the legal problems, officials are saying that he will probably be excluded from the Olympic team this summer. His mom says he feels really bad about it and hasn't been eating since yesterday. Cowell is preparing for "major surgery" on Thursday and faces the prospect of losing his teeth. Balance is restored. Yin and yang.

Meanwhile, a woman got her arse handed to her in a sack while watching a rugby match in Tasmania on Saturday. Who knows what's gotten into people down under. We're guessing sweet, sweet beer and koala steaks. Mmmm koala on a stick...

From One Deuce To Another

Clint Dempsey's got a lot of nerve calling himself Deuce but we wholeheartedly approve. Ollie from Who Ate All The Pies beat us to this piece on Deuce. He's becoming one of our favorite American players for his game on and off the pitch. Check out his freestyle skills as he flows over an official Setanta beatbox.



Setanta has to get him and The Special One together.

Storybook Ending!!

Photo by Drew Hallowell/Getty Images

Wow. There wasn't a whole lot of offense but there was a whole lot of drama as the Washington Nationals opened their new park by beating the Atlanta Braves 3-2. Ryan Zimmerman, he of the many game winning hits in his 2 seasons in baseball hit one for the ages. A walk-off, frozen rope, home run to left center field that started the season in style and opened the new Nationals stadium with a memory that none of the fans or players will ever forget.

After George Bush got more boos than cheers during the ceremonial first pitch and the Atlanta side was retired in order by opening day starter Odalis Perez, the game started off with a bang for the Nationals, getting two runs in the first inning against Braves starter Tim Hudson. Sadly, that was all the offense they could muster against the veteran as he retired 19 straight batters before being sent to the showers.

Cristian Guzman got the first hit in the park off a broken bat single and scored the first run off a Nick Johnson double. Johnson would later score off a Kearns single to right field. Larry "Chipper" Jones hit the first home run in Nationals Park getting the Braves to within 1 run in the fourth inning. A mishandled Jon Rauch pitch by Paul Loduca allowed the Braves to tie the game at 2-2 in the top of the 9th, but a 2 out home run by Ryan Zimmerman against Peter Moylan allowed the Nats to take home their first win ever in Nationals Park.

(Photo by Drew Hallowell/Getty Images)

Overall, the Nationals pitched well, had more good defensive plays than bad and were a little overmatched at the plate against a crafty veteran pitcher. In the end, they won in very dramatic fashion but the real story of the game was that ballpark looked and played great. Hopefully Trapper John, who was at the game, will write up his game day experience in the blog, but watching it on TV, I have to say I cannot wait to see this place in person. I'm sure there will be plenty of stories today that will talk about the food lines, the high prices, the horrible traffic, the congestion at the metro stations, etc. but for now, lets just savor the Nats win and the opening of the new digs. Baseball season has started folks, and I, for one, cannot be happier.

Oh yea, Zimmerman is a God. Long live Zimmerman!

Is There Nothing Mr. T Can't Do?

Mr. T can bring people out of comas. That is a fact. This isn't some Chuck Norris thing, Mr. T actually brought a boy out of a coma. From Yahoo news:

[A] kid fell unconscious in Detroit, Michigan in the mid-1980s - and the only physical movement he made was in response to hearing Mr. T's name. And when the mohawked star was in town, he stopped by the hospital to visit the ill boy - with miraculous results.

He tells Empire magazine, "His family put toys around him and one of them was a Mr. T doll. And whenever my name came up, the boy moved his arm.

"Somebody told the doctors I was in town, so they called me down there. I closed the curtains and prayed. Then, as I was walking down the hall, the kid suddenly came out of the coma and hollered out.

"That was my supernatural moment."

Supernatural indeed, that is freaking crazy right there. Mr. T has Godlike powers that even he doesn't understand, but he pities the fool that attempts to comprehend them. If Mr. T can wake people from a coma, who knows what else this man could do? Cure AIDS? Turn water to wine? Mr. T is not just a man, he is your new God. Bow before your new mohawked overlord.

Just like the Spurs, Davidson hates your freedom. They'd make one hell of a UN inspection team though.

Exhibition Expansion

Check us out! The US Dollar may be going in the toilet but American sports aren't going out like that. They'll take Europe one way or another. The NFL and NBA are planning to have more exhibition and regular season games in Europe in the near future.

The NFL has tossed out the possibility of having a regular season game in the UK as much as once a month during the season.

"The numbers were extraordinarily positive. We made the subsequent decision not just to return for this year but to return for the next three years," NFL international operations manager Mark Waller said.

"This is me speaking at the moment but I can see no reason why one day you wouldn't be able to buy, say, a game season ticket for four games that come into the U.K., say once a month.

"There is no reason you couldn't have a game in the U.K. at a venue every month and that would enable you to have a mini-season."

... "The biggest and, I think, the only resistance that we have to deal with is we play very few games. Therefore at the moment without extending the season the only way we can play games internationally is if we don't play them in the U.S," he said.

Lean back. Genius at work.

Waller says he's speaking for himself but this has to be a thought in the league offices especially with the larger crowds and exchange rates. Teams may bitch and moan but if the Dolphins and Giants can sell, anything can and the NFL will do anything for a profit.

Not wanting to be left off the European gravy train, the NBA is increasing the number of games played in Europe. The Wizards, Hawks, Heat and Hornets will all play exhibition games this fall in London, Berlin, Barcelona and Paris. There's not much to be said for quality but maybe they figure no one will know Shaq's not on Heat and Jon Koncak isn't on the Hawks anymore before they buy their tickets.

NBA Commish David Stern admits it's about the money and fall of the dollar. Straight cash homey.

"Playing 'friendlies' is a historically known format outside the US. It puts less stress on us economically. Fans get to know us," Stern said.

"Now that we have arenas like the (ones in London and Berlin), we have the economic base to support regular season games. With the changes in the economic environment, particularly the dollar to the European currency, we might have the support for regular season games. But we're happy with the friendlies."

Fans will love getting to know the New Jersey Nets. Maybe they can send the Clippers, Grizzle and Washington Generals before the 2009 season. That'll really make the European fans beg for more.

The World's Most Expensive Hunting License

A new law in Illinois forces "deadbeat dads" to pay their child support or else they cannot buy new hunting or fishing licenses. Apparently you just dont mess with a man's hunting license. One man paid $14,000 to his baby mama just so he didn't have to give up his favorite sport...thus making his hunting and fishing license the most expensive ever. The state so far has collected over $100,000 in child support payments through this program which really seems to work despite the deadbeat dads really not liking this turn of events:

[One deadbeat dad] isn’t happy about the turn of events, claiming the way the state works now, they’re in control of way too many things.

This is a pretty smart way to get those jackasses to pay what they should've been paying in the first place. If a guy is intent on not paying his child support he can get away with it pretty easy, might as well go after him where it really hurts. I wonder what else this can be extended to?

From Pantagraph.com

The real story behind Santa, Eagles fans, Booing and the Snowballs.

Barack, Paper, Scissors

The geniuses at USARPS have a flash game up where you can play RPS online against the likes of GW Bush, Hilary Clinton and many other political figures. Pretty funny voice-overs of the characters as well. I can waste time on this all freakin day.

Play Barack, Paper, Scissors

A New Way To Waste Time

A few month's back I did a post on the growing world of the Sports MMORPG, well a new game has emerged and seems to be somewhat interesting. Its called Goal Line Blitz and if you hadn't guessed from the name, its an American football simulation.

There are a couple ways you can actually play this. One way is that you can create your own player, stick him at any position, adjust his stats and add gear to him to make him better. Then, you sign with a team that gives you a contract offer (computer or user controlled) and then...well you sit back and watch your player accumulate stats.

I made a character for this simulation last week, LB Rocko Bronkowski who plays for the Spokane Angry Pirates...ARRRGH in the Canadian AAA Conference. So far, he's played in 2 games and has 15 tackles, so i'm happy about that. The sucky thing is that you have to wait 2 days for a game to be simulated...the rest of the time, you pretty much dont do anything. Makes it a bit boring i think, but i'm gonna see what happens.

The other way to play is that you buy a team, then you can run the team like any owner, setting prices for tickets and concessions, building your stadium, signing and releasing and trading players. That to me seems a bit more fun, but I haven't pony'ed up the cash to get it going. Yes, as with any good MMORPG you gotta spend some cash to have the real fun, but you can do it mostly for free..

If you want to sign up and check it out, you can use my referral link here or if you dont want to use me as a referer go ahead and use this link. It'l be interesting to see what features they add to the game as it is just in Beta form (as you can tell from the slow server speed) but I'll keep an eye on it and see if it is something us sports freaks actually want to play.

Looks like the sport of boxing might have met it's match in the Philippines

It's about time! La Gazzetta Dello Sport finally has an English edition. Enjoy.

Zab Judah Guarantees His Next Defeat

Zab Judah doesn't know when to let his fists do the talking for him. Now he's going to look like a part-time sucka and lose $100, 000 in the process.

The increasingly infuriating Judah has challenged Sugar Shane Mosley to put his money where Judah's mouth is and bet $100, 000 on who will win their upcoming fight on May 31.

"That's free money," the 30-year-old Judah said Monday at a news conference to publicize the fight. "If he's so confident and so much in shape, then why didn't he take it? The last time I put a $100,000 bet on the table was against Corey Spinks. What did I do? I knocked him out."

Apparently Judah doesn't remember what happened to him when he fought Kostya Tszyu. He ended up taking on the ref because he was the only guy in the ring he had a chance of beating. Tszyu wrecked him in the second round of that fight. Mosley and Tszyu are no Corey Spinks.

Judah has to be one of the most frustrating fighters in recent history. He undoubtedly has the talent to be one of the best but he'd rather party and talk shit than work. That will be his undoing and he'll end up sliding into the large group of boxers filed under "Who the hell was the guy?" despite rolling with H.O.V.A.

Excuse Me, Sir. Your Arse In A Sack

It's never a good idea to get shitfaced and start trouble when a rugby team is on the same flight. Don't believe us? Ask the assclown who found out the hard way on a Quantas flight.

South African rugby squad The Stormers were asked to get involved when a unruly, drunk passenger wouldn't simmer down on a flight from Sydney to Perth.

"He became extremely aggressive and abusive," team representative Frikkie Erasmus told the Cape Town Argus. "That's when one of the Stormers calmed him down with a good klap. It worked out quite well."

Why the hell do they spell klap with a k? Who knows. They probably have diplomatic immunity or something.

The passenger "remained in time-out mode" for the rest of the flight. We're guessing he was out like when KRS beat down the fat guy from PM Dawn. He was arrested upon the flight's arrival in Perth.

Crockett vs. Tubbs

This isn't sports related but I've been waiting for a reason to post a PMT video and I haven't found an in. I may not have looked but that's neither here nor there.

Sonny Crockett was always seen as #1 to Rico Tubbs #2 on Miami Vice. Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas released solo musical efforts in the 80s. Johnson had "Heartbeat" while Thomas had "Living The Book of My Life". Johnson may have had a hit and more costly production but there's no denying Rico's smooth sounds. Tubbs may finally have topped Crockett.
Decide for yourself and discuss the demerits of either or both.

Don Johnson - Heartbeat




Philip Michael Thomas - Just The Way I Planned It

Hillary Clinton's not the only one stalling when it comes to showing paperwork. We'll give you a hint. He could be "caught raping an underage nun while clubbing baby seals" and still be elected governor of Wisconsin.

** We couldn't put that any better than Fark.

Shocking! A Discriminatory Policy in NASCAR

The fact that NASCAR is involved with a discriminatory policy probably comes as no surprise to many of you. However it wasn't enacted by NASCAR and it harms a group not used to oppression. NASCAR fans who attend races.

Tennessee passed the Non-Smoker Protection Act which bans smoking in public places such as arenas and racetracks. The result is that smoking is no longer allowed at Bristol Motor Speedway. That doesn't sit too well with racegoers.

"You can drink as much beer as you want and get in your car and drive home, but you can't come in here and smoke a cigarette," [Freddie] Lochner said Saturday, while waiting out a rain delay in the track's concourse. "Now, which would you rather have: A guy smoking a cigarette sitting next to you, or a guy who drunk all that beer driving down the road next to you?"

Cars can smoke but not people?? Well let's not be too harsh. Drunk gets you laid and makes you funny to your platonic and sexual mates. Secondhand cigarette smoke just gets in your eyes and causes cancer. It also interferes with the awesome smoke coming from the #3 car and incredible amounts of smoke coming from the other cars and race equipment at track level.

This does seem rather silly at a track when there are numerous other ways to kill yourself like getting in the way of flying debris or as Freddie said, getting hit by a drunk driver. One could also get cut real good by a ripped tall boy can. There's always the option of going as any other black guy besides Brad Daugherty. NASCAR ain't no joke.

Europeans Just Make Better Commercials

Our only salvation is the chimp. We're still number one when it comes to putting chimps in commercials. God bless America and no one else.



Imagine the bitching and moaning that would have gone on if this commercial was shown on television in the US. "Won't someone please think of the children?!"

Classic boxing entrances brought to you by Maxim UK. It's hard to beat Apollo Creed and James Brown. Any suggestions for missing entrances? Marvis Frazier's loss to Mike Tyson could be considered an entrance as he wasn't in the ring long enough for a fight to start.

Wooooo! Learn to love it, South Cackalacka

Ric Flair's the best thing going today as far as Columbia, SC is concerned. Mayor Bob Coble awarded Flair the key to the city for ... for ... I don't know what. Perhaps it's for his contributions to South Carolina culture along with Leeza Gibbons, Edwin McCain, Hootie and The Fridge.

Nature Boy is friends with the Ol' Ballcoach (yeah click clack) and regularly attends Gamecock games.

Unfortunately Flair didn't wear the awesome 80s sweater and hair pictured above. We're pretty sure Barry Windham is rocking the exact same gear while riding around with the rest of the Four Horsemen in a RV solving mysteries in exactly 22 minutes Monday through Friday.

A-Rod Hates Him Some Texas

It appears that A-Rod's learned something before he's done like Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.

New York Daily News' John Harper sat down with Rodriguez for a one-on-one interview in which they discussed his reasons for staying in New York as well as his recent split with agent Scott Boras and more interestingly, his regrets over picking the Texas Rangers over the New York Mets in 2000.

Rodriguez named his regrets over his move to the Rangers as being a factor among others in his decision to cut Boras loose to negotiate his return to the Yankees.

"I went for the contract when my true desire was to go play for the Mets," Rodriguez said of his decision to ink his $252 million deal with Texas eight years ago.

As A-Rod looked back on the events of the past offseason, he seemed haunted by the idea that in breaking free of the Yankees he could have made another decision based strictly on money and wound up as .unhappy as he was in Texas for three years.

The three-time MVP says that at some point after his opt-out decision in October, he realized he could have been heading for a similar scenario, with Boras dictating his next destination.

"So to make the right decision just feels really good," Rodriguez said, "versus being taken down a road where I'm like, 'Oh, my God, where am I? Oh, $400 million to play in some place I hate? Great, I'll blow my --- head off.'

Let's play gotcha for a second. Well done for saying what he thinks but wow. He hated Texas enough to give up $252 million to play for the Mets or end it? That's rough. I mean the Rangers suck and Dallas ain't that great but damn. That's some cold, honest shit right there.

Rodriguez also indirectly acknowledged one of his biggest knocks.

"If people want to question why I did it, I don't care because it made me happy. If I had gone to Team X, Y or Z, it wouldn't have made me happy. It would have been because Scott wanted me to go - it would have been for the most money. And then I'm always going to be known as a guy who always wanted the most money."

...If I had gone to Detroit or someplace and I don't win, people are going to hammer me, because there's no loyalty, and by moving again, I don't represent anything. Instead, I'm planting my roots here and saying I want to win with one team and represent something as a Yankee the rest of my career. I think it's the right way to do it."

No one questions his ability ... until October. He's one of the greats in the game but he is known or thought of to be about the money to a large percentage of baseball fans. An opt-out would have sealed that impression and kept him from the one thing it seems he wants the most besides a ring which is the love of the fans.

There's no reason to not take A-Rod at his word especially in light of his actions over the past months. He even says, "'That was me - and now it's not,' he said. 'That's the difference between being 24 and 32. And that's what I'm proud of.'"

Now A-Rod needs to come through in October otherwise he'll never be considered a Yankee by New York fans. Incidentally, this is another reason why the majority of Yankee fans are donkeys. The Yankees wouldn't even have made it to the postseason if A-Rod didn't carry them on his back most of the season. It's amazing how fast they turned on him (not entirely unwarranted at the risk of contradicting myself) and forgot that they could have been sitting around talking about how fuckin' awesome Jeremy Shockey's tattoos are because the baseball season was over. Ah they probably do that anyway when they're not talking about how Chad Pennington really has a good arm.

Holy shit...



As if that wasn't brilliant enough, check this hotness out.

Melo's Son Got His Cake

It took a little bit though. While Carmelo's son, Kiyan's, (and his mom Lala from MTV...yowza) birthday party was taking place on March 15th, the cake was being driven to the party by Daniel Young. Unfortunately for Mr. Young, he ran a stop sign in front of a cop and it turned out he was driving with a suspended license. This meant, of course, that he was going to have to go with the officer. But what of the cake??

As the officer placed handcuffs on Young, Young asked, "Can I ask one favor? Can I have someone come and pick up this cake? It is supposed to go to Carmelo Anthony's kid's birthday party."

That is some dedication there. The man is headed to jail but still is thinking of 'Melo's kid and his cake. That's a friend...either that or he watched stop snitchin too many times and knew that Melly Mel is not a man to play around with!

Anyway, Young was sent to the jail, the car was impounded, but the cake was released to a friend of Carmelo and little Kiyan got some cake for his first birthday party. Nothin' like a feel good story to warm the heart, huh? Dad is great...gettin us some chocolate cake.

From Denver.Yourhub

Eat It, Shapiro

Leonard Shapiro of the Washington Post has a problem with MMA's growing popularity and its imminent debut on CBS. Not only will it do great on CBS but the network has managed to land Kimbo Slice for the debut of EliteXC Saturday Night Fights on May 31st.

Those of you not familiar with the exploits of the undefeated Mr. Slice should take a look at some of his backyard and professional fights on the YouTubes.



He is not a man to be trifled with unlike Johnnie Morton.

The Detroit Free Press seems to think you've gone to the end of the interwebs and back. When you finish watching them lay the floor, you can start eating paint chips off the wall. New floor every hour!

This Is What Losing Gets You

We didn't have a chance to speak on so-called Super Sunday with Manchester United vs. Liverpool and Arsenal vs. Chelsea yesterday. We'll let the picture above do the talking about the first match as 10-man Liverpool were crushed 3-0 by United. Unsilent put the second match in five words yesterday. Chelsea made Easter tolerable by beating the Arse 2-1. The win put them five points off of leaders United while Arsenal dropped to third. If Chelsea lost, I would have spent the rest of the day thinking about the betrayal of 8 lb, 6 oz newborn baby Jesus by Bill Richardson.

Don't think this changes our opinion of Avram Grant. Even a blind pig finds a truffle every now and then. Oh I don't want to get in trouble. A blind, kosher pig. Whew...

Deadspin's Dave Hirshey did touch on something else we couldn't get to due to the sauced-up singing at Nevada Smiths and Central Bar as well as the man on Monday. Derby manager Paul Jewell.

Jewell took over Derby this season knowing he had an impossible task keeping them in the Premiership. He decided to go down fighting however no one thought he would lead by example.

News of the World has access to a sex tape made by Jewell of himself with a mistress. (Images may be NSFW although they are blurred out)

Jewell showing how he keeps his hoes in check by keeping his pimp hand strong.

NOTW describes an hour long bondage video made of Jewell and some lady who ain't his wifey. He's got some 'splainin to do!

We could make the obligatory Spitzer comment about him not possibly being stupid enough to tape himself cheating but we don't want to apologize down the road.

I just hope that one day me missus tells me to "fuck her in daylight on my car". I'll bang her up on my Trablant real nice.

Sheeeit I tore them pork chops up! I already miss The Wire like a fat kid misses cake.

Interesting article from Slate about how the "sheeeit" started. (Includes audio of call from the one and only Senator Clay Davis)

Thanks to Grippy for the tip.

An A For Effort

The Chinese have already won the gold medal as far as we're concerned. In what you ask? Oppression of course! No one beats Steven Seagal in the kitchen and no one beats the Chinese in beating down opposition.

The Chinese government has ordered a crackdown on ticket scalpers known as yellow bulls before the Olympics by threatening up to four years of "re-education through labor". Take that, gulag.

"(Offenders involved in) the counterfeit, alteration, and illegal selling of tickets for major events can be detained according to (relevant) laws," the [Beijing News] quoted the unnamed spokesman as saying.

"Those deemed to have seriously disturbed public order can be detained for re-education through labor," the spokesman said.

The Chinese are willing to go to any end to ensure a perfect Olympic Games even if it means putting thousands in jail. Add the touts to the list of Tibetans, homeless and Three Gorges Dam blockers. Soon the group of people being crushed by the government will be picked as randomly as Stalin's purges.

Add this to the decree that there will be no live broadcasts or telecasts from Tienanmen Square, constant surveillance during the Games and the fact that the US and other governments are going out of their way to say the Chinese actions are not related to the game and we have the makings of the best Olympics ever!

Then again, we could be making a big deal out of nothing. I've seen Hogan's Heroes a bunch of times and that didn't look so bad. I'm sure Chinese labor camps are just as cool as the Nazi POW camps. That Colonel Klink sure had a heart of gold.

ABC Appreciates The Choke Out

"I love Stackhouse's tenacity on this Mavericks team."



You gotta love endorsing fighting and dirty play. Maybe next time Stackhouse will suplex some meatball so he won't get the offensive board.

Kimbo Slice at the Baltimore Arena? It could happen if the Maryland State Senate gets its way.

The Denver Broncos Are Broker Than Britney Spears

Don't tell Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen money don't matter. He's running low and needs all he can get. The Denver Post reports that the Broncos canned eight employees including the director of media relations and the manager of DenverBroncos.com.

Cost-cutting has been taking place for a while with three coaches being let go and replaced internally. In addition, players have been forced to eat gruel out of troughs and share jock straps.

Bowlen might want to consider asking head coach Mike Shanahan for a loan. He just sold his house for $16 million and "recently broke ground on a megamansion that will take a year to complete".

Specs on the old house?

It includes three Jacuzzis, an 80-square-foot steam room, a 108-square-foot sauna, a 2,299-square-foot heated garage, a 2,100-square-foot swimming pool, a 165-square-foot hot tub. It was built in 2000 and has slate mission tile on the roof.

Two buildings are on the land, one with three bedrooms and six fireplaces; the other with two bedrooms.

The new house will be 30,000 square feet. That's got to be a kick in the dick for Broncos employees who are worried about their jobs.

As if that wasn't odd enough, the land for the new home was previously owned by Janet Elway who received it from her divorce settlement with former Bronocs QB and Baltimore Colts destroyer John Elway. (Not like I'm still bitter or anything.) That has to be an awkward conversation at Bronco reunions.

Nobody circles the wagons to America Jr. like the Buffalo Bills. Catch the Bills farewell tour before they permanently move away like the freedom haters they are.

What You Know Bout Practice?

The good news is that no one on the Bengals has gone to jail yet. Don't hold us to that. That's since two minutes ago. The bad news is that not only does Ocho Cinco want out but T.J. Houshmandzadeh is skipping the voluntary conditioning program as well.

NFL.com reports that TJ is skipping the workouts for "many of the same reasons Johnson is not attending". The reasons include being underpaid and not being paid enough.

Houshmandzadeh is in the final year of four-year contract that is scheduled to pay him a base salary of $2.525 million. He failed to show up to the Bengals' offseason conditioning program last season and, without a new deal before this year’s offseason conditioning program, Houshmandzadeh is not about to attend now. It is the reason he is not expected Monday or anytime shortly thereafter.

The article also notes that TJ is in the last year of his contract unlike Cinco who still has three years left. It would seem that the Bengals have to make a decision on TJ before Cinco. That'll definitely sit well with Cinco.

Speak of the devil, Cinco just appeared on Last Call with Carson Daly but didn't say anything about a potential holdout. Leave it to the douchebag and not ask the important questions. Before you ask, I lost the remote and I'm too lazy to get up to change the channel. This is my cruel and unusual punishment.

Bucks owner Herb Kohl is a gentleman and a scholar unlike George Shinn and Clay Bennett. Mediocrity is here to stay in Milwaukee.

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we've been to cougar country and since we've had a soccer roundup so without further ado, let's go hunting for MILFs and news from the world of futbol.


The MLS Is Hot Hot Hot, Hot For Beckham


It seems as though there's nothing the MLS won't do for Beckham. They'll let him play when he wants. Travel as he wants. It wouldn't be a surprise to know that Don Garber and Alexi Lalas are required to suck him off on command.

Reports are surfacing that Beckham has the right to buy the Galaxy after his contract ends in three years. 60 Minutes will report on Sunday that the option was given to him as well as his manager, Simon Fuller. Fuller, in addition to being Goldenballs' manager, is also the creator of Pop Idol which is the father of American Idol.

Don't be surprised if Landon Donovan's wife is part of the option as well. It's not like he would do anything about it expect bitch, moan and cry while running back to his house with his hands at his sides. "It's just like Leverkusen!"


Everton Adopts The Kitchen Sink Approach


Hillary Clinton isn't the only one out there to resort to the kitchen sink approach while on the ropes. Everton is desperately trying to lock down 4th place in the Premiership. Plan X: 7-year old Harry Yates.

Finishing in the top four means Champions League football next season and the additional millions that will come from competing in the competition. Yates is a keeper which has to make current Everton and US keeper Tim Howard nervous.


Drunk Me Up Woman, I'm Going In

It would be nice if today's athletes had the same drive and dedication to their game as Norwich's Matty Pattison. Pattison was worried about being late for practice so he hopped into his car and rushed to practice last Sunday morning. The problem was that he was only wearing his underwear, a t-shirt and shoes. It gets better as there was no practice that day. Oh almost forgot, he was also shitfaced from the previous night and was arrested for drunk driving.

Pattison, also known as "Party", was arrested after being seen driving all over the road by cops. When he was arrested, he was "unsteady on his feet and slurring his words".

A source at Norwich told the Mirror: "Matty is always out clubbing which is why he has got the nickname 'Party'. It's a shame he has a bit of a problem because he is a good player."

Manager Glenn Roeder should lay off Party. He should be lucky that Party still wanted to show up in his state. Most of today's athletes would have blown off practice or showed up late. That's commitment. If Roeder recognized that, he'd probably have a job in the Premiership.


Newsflash: Avram Grant Doesn't Know What He's Doing


I would call Chelsea manager Avram Grant a donkey but that would be an insult to donkeys. At least they're useful. Word seems to be getting out that he's in over his head. Chelsea is still within sniffing distance of the league and Champions League in spite of his cluelessness.

Add Didier Drogba to the list of people who wonder what the hell Grant is doing. Like the rest of us who always ask "What the fuck are you doing?", Drogba was asking the same question during Wednesday's draw with Tottenham.

Sportsmail can reveal that the Chelsea striker approached a leading club official in the tunnel area at White Hart Lane and expressed his frustrations with the decisions that rocked the club's title aspirations.

Drogba spoke to assistant manager Steve Clarke as the players left the field on Wednesday night and demanded to know 'what was going on?'

That continued when he walked down the tunnel and he sought a leading club official for an explanation on how the club had 'thrown away' maximum points.

Hopefully Drogba will let us know if he finds out the answer to his questions especially the one about Joe Cole's substitution. Grant's tactics and substitutions continue to wreck Chelsea's season. He's cost the club two cups and now maybe a chance at the title.

Roman Abramovich needs to pull his head out of his ass and make some wholesale changes starting at the top if he wants to realize his goals for Chelsea. He needs to drop the yes men and clear out the dead weight in the changing room starting with Grant and players such as Claudio Pizarro, Andriy Shevchenko and Steve Sidwell among others.


No One Expects The Scottish Taliban


The War on Terror is working out just as well as the War on Drugs. The Taliban have now spread their sphere of influence to Scotland.

Celebrations for Scottish Third Division winners East Fife were ruined when police threatened to arrest a director after champagne bottles were popped on the pitch. The team was warned that it was illegal to have alcohol in glass containers in the stadium. They were told to remove them and the coppers stepped up like the Saudi moral police when the bottles reappeared.

"After the match, another of the guys brought the bottles out and began to celebrate Formula One style. One of the local bobbies took exception to it and said put it away or they would be arrested.

Well good thing they're on the case. First the champagne comes out and next thing the town burns to the ground. Just wait until the cops make haggis start wearing burkhas because some people think it tastes good.

Shut up, you fucking baby. David Cross and Bob Odenkirk are getting back together to work on a new project called David's Situation. Hell yes.

The Chicago Sun-Times Gets Played

It's not bad enough that the Chicago Sun-Times has one of the biggest douchebag hacks in the business. We're looking at you, Mariotti. They just got punked (merked if you're in England) by their rival, the Chicago Tribune.

The Sun-Times held a music video contest to protest the renaming of Wrigley Field by Tribune owner Sam Zell. Today college student Katie Hamilton was named the winner. The only problem is that she's also a Tribune intern.

Hamilton and a Tribune reporter posted a thank you video this morning aimed at the Sun Times and said they would donate the $1000 prize to charity. Anyone else that wants to donate was encouraged to send money to "Tribune Totally Wins the Sun-Times’s Music Video Contest".

Here's the winning video along with the thank you. Suck it, Mariotti.



The only thing better would have been a guest appearance by Ozzie Guillen threatening to choke out Mariotti if Zell sells the naming rights to anyone other than Elvis Hitler who owns the Inner Town or Gold Star.

The administration wasn't kidding when it said it was getting serious about domestic surveillance. The increased surveillance is paying off already thanks to the crack efforts of the State Department.

Want To Have Sex With Tony Parker's Wife?

Now everyone can! Well, sorta. Pipedream Products (link NSFW) has put out some ridiculous blow up dolls featuring Tony Parker's wife Eva Longoria as well as Tony Romo's girlfriend Jessica Simpson amongst other famous female celebrities. So all you lonely bloggers living in your parents basements, toiling away in your underwear, with no chance of ever seeing a real live woman naked, can now get some action with the same hot women your favorite athletes do...wait, i'm talking about myself aren't I? I'm going to go cry in a corner...
From The Superficial

The World Series of Golf Is Coming Again

Poker players are bored, it seems, so combining the betting of poker with the skill of golf is the World Series of Golf that is set to arrive in May. You can even sign up for it right now. Its only accepting amateur golfers and you actually wager every hole you play on for who can get the best score.

Players ante on each tee. The ante is followed by a pass, bet or fold on each golf shot, combining the skill of golf with the finesse of betting. When a player is out of money, they are out of the hole and out of the tournament. The players do not play against the field; they play against those in their group.

The objective is to win all the money from the other players in the group. Whoever does that, wins the match and advances to the next round. Players are paid after advancing through the first round.

The challenge of this type of competition is to win all the other players’ money in each group in each match. This is not about shooting the lowest score, it’s not a stroke play format. The World Series of Golf® tournament allows players to compete in successive elimination matches and use the pressure of betting and the skills of golf.

The event itself will take place May 12 - May 15th and requires a $1,000 registration deposit to play so the prize pool (aka all the money people use to enter the tournament) should be in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Last year's event had a top prize of $250,000.

So far, this gambling event has attracted the likes of poker pros Phil Ivey, Phil Gordon, Steve Dannenmann, Rhett Butler as well as former Bond girl Tanya Roberts and former Miss Nevada Michelle Yegge. Superstars in their own minds for sure.

I've always thought that golf should be more exciting and nothing quite matches the excitement of gambling so the combination of the two thoroughly intrigues me. If this event ever gets televised somewhere they might be on to something. Most people play golf and gamble anyway, ask Michael Jordan, this is just a more formalized event for it all and if I was any good at golf, I would think about signing up myself. Too bad I suck harder than a Dyson vacuum cleaner at it.

Sports Illustrated Covers Trending Towards Blacks And Football

Dolores Labs Blog has taken an interesting look at the Sports Illustrated covers for the past 50 some years and found that the covers are trending more towards football player covers and black athletes covers.

Leaving the race on covers issue aside for now, I find it most interesting that basketball overtook football in the spotlight for over a decade and baseball has actually remained pretty constant despite all of its troubles...maybe that makes for good press. The race issue is certainly more of a factor of the rising amounts of black athletes in "major" sports compared to the declining amounts of white athletes in the same sports. The sports covered however is an interesting indication of the increasing and decreasing popularity of the sports as a whole.

In the grand scheme of things, this doesn't mean all that much, but it is always neat to look at the trends in the coverage of sports from the publishing world.

Images & Data from Dolores Labs Blog

Tank Chair Will Kill You Dead

Really? Seriously? There is now a chair that will run the fuck over the Rascal that your grandmother used to own. Its the Tank Chair. If you are paralyzed and need to do some off roading or snow travel or to go down some stairs or whatever, this is the bad-ass chair of your dreams.

Tank Chair is a Custom off-road wheelchair that can go anywhere outdoors. TankChair conquers streams, mud, snow, sand, and gravel, allowing you to get back to nature. Using rubber tracks and high torque electric motors, TankChair can take you just about anywhere. Even the urban street and stairs, with a incline accent of up to 45 degrees, TankChair will take you anywhere and back.

What more can you ask for?? I've got two fully functional legs but even I want one! This thing kicks the shit out of any Segway or Rascal that I have ever seen. I am thinking of custom ordering one right now. Actually, I think i heard that Len Pasquarelli was ordering one the other day, Lord knows he needs one more than me.

Wow, Sports Illustrated is putting the contents of every issue they've published online...for free! God bless SI.

Mets fans: Not as annoying as Red Sox or Yankees fans but definitely batshit crazy.

Thank You Jesus

Those are words Jon Kitna will never yell in triumph unless he yells them after he successfully lights the grill in his backyard.

Showing that he never learns, Kitna has once again predicted that the Lions will reach double digits in the win column this coming season. Admittedly he has show some humility by declaring that the Lions will win 10 games as opposed to more than 10 last year. His Jebus would be proud.

The matchup you've been waiting for: porn vs. prostitution. (SFW)

Is Nothing Sacred?

First they ruined Coupling and now this. We've hyped the British show Top Gear several times on the Deuce. If you haven't caught it on BBC America, you're missing out. We'd venture to say it's one of the best shows on tv right now.

An American version of Top Gear is in the works and Edmonds Inside Line reports that Adam Corolla has been lined up to host the American version. So much for that. The British version revolves around three hosts who combine great senses of humor along with decent knowledge about cars. We can't speak to Corolla's knowledge of cars but we do question whether he would be able to carry the show. Top Gear on BBC works in part due to the interaction between the hosts. We also imagine the American version would be tamer due to the puritanical standards of broadcast tv and the delicate sensitivities of the American viewing public.

Here's a little sample of what you're missing if you haven't seen Top Gear. This is a clip from their American road trip.



Here's a 747 blowing different vehicles off course.



Don't fuck this up, Corolla.

What happens when you fuck with the Boss? You get dealt with.

I Predict A Riot

Boom goes the dynamite. Seriously it does so watch where you run.

Chechnya welcomed back top-flight football for the first time in 14 years as Chechen powerhouse Terek took on brickhouse Krylya Sovietov. I like how the brickhouse takes it back to the old school. They broke Terek 3-0.

Warlord/benevolent dictator Ramzan Kadyrov said this showed that Chechnya was over the unpleasantness of the past years when everyone was on vacation and nothing happened.

“It’s a great victory for us because this shows Grozny has returned and the Chechen people are tired of war and just want to live normal lives.”

Kadyrov failed to mention that the people were beaten into submission by the Russian military which was aided by his paramilitary army.

The match took place in the same stadium where Kadyrov’s father Akhmad was killed by a bomb (5:00) planted under his seat during a rally. Ah memories.

The match was so normal that snipers were on roofs surrounding the stadium. They backed up over 7000 police officers. Oh sewers were checked and cell phone signals were jammed as a precaution against remote-controlled bombs.

Mercy Mercy Me

Marvin Gaye could sing his ass off but he sure couldn't play darts.



Good thing his dad didn't see that. We might have lost him sooner. What? Too soon?

Is there anything pig can't do?

What The Problem Is?

You say potato. Dan Quayle says potatoe. James Dolan says marked improvement. Anucha Browne Sanders says incompetent.

Former Knicks executive Sanders put Isiah, Dolan and the rest of the MSG crew on blast in the March issue of Elle Magazine.

“I’m not surprised [that MSG didn’t fire Isiah after her win in her lawsuit against MSG] because incompetence is rampant across the board at MSG and Cablevision. [Isiah] fits in pretty well then. They all deserve each other, Mills, Dolan, Isiah. Dolan is incompetent. Mills is incompetent. Isiah is incompetent. That’s why they’re at this point, that’s why there was a lawsuit, that’s why there was a trial, that’s why they allowed all their dirty laundry to be aired.”

Sanders continued on to say that NBA Commissioner David Stern is aware of Isiah’s reputation and will pressure the Knicks to do something about it after the season.

Clearly Sanders underestimates Dolan’s stubbornness and stupidity. Stern only cares about fixing playoff series and making sure players dress right.

Two Tons Of Fun

Usually we're saying watch out for the big girl when we say two tons of fun but Boston pitchers work too. When Schilling comes off the DL, the post-game buffet may start crying.

The Story Of Eric Djemba-Djemba

Just imagine you've signed a deal to play for Manchester United but inside you know that you're no good and don't even deserve to play in the top division let alone at Man U. What would you do? Play it cool and just hang on as long as possible while banking the millions you don't deserve? Not if you're Eric Djemba-Djemba.

Former Man U "player" Djemba-Djemba declared bankruptcy last year but that wasn't the half of it. His agent has revealed that while Djemba-Djemba was earning £75,000 a month at Man U, he was relying on appearance and bonus monies to get by.

[Agent Christopher] Mongay said: "Eric is on a different planet. He simply has no notion of money. At one point, he had 30 different bank accounts. He was juggling between credits.

"There was a time when he owned 10 4x4-drive cars — 10! I kept telling him all the time to watch out. When he arrived at Manchester United, I decided to take over the running of his accounts. It used to take me four hours a day! At United he was earning about £75,000 basic per month. But every penny was going straight to loan repayments. He was having to live on bonuses and extras. He started to ask United for advances and, at a club like that, something like that doesn't go down well."

I mean, eight 4x4's would seem appropriate but 10? After failing miserably at United, he moved on to Aston Villa where he also failed miserably. In his bankruptcy hearing, it was claimed that he even owed money to the Aston Villa club shop. Hey Djemba, don't tell 'em you're Jewish!

Now Djemba-Djemba's earning a measly £15,000 a month playing in Qatar. Let this story be a lesson to you profligate athletes out there. Even if you blow your load on multiple homes and posses like MC Hammer, you can still make it so go ahead and spend spend spend.

We'll leave you with a quote from Djemba-Djemba's coach at Nantes talking about something he said that would come back to haunt him. "'I don't understand this. In France, I see money coming out of the walls'. He was talking about cash machines."

It's All Halal, Baby

Are you ready for some baseball Pakistan-style? The 16th National Baseball Championship kicked off in Pakistan in early March. Who the hell knew the Pakistanis know how to handle two kinds of bats?

Information on the league has been hard to come by or I'm just lazy. I'd go with the latter.


** The picture is actually of a game in Afghanistan. It's the best I could do. They're next to each other and terrorists go in and out of each like Eliot Spitzer ... eh forget it.

I Gotta Say It Wasn't A Good Day

"Aw yeah, it's hump day! Time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade! I'm gonna head out to the club, get my pisco on and tear up the pan flute!"

"Oh yeah, my brother plays that in some place in New York called Union Square. He says many people come to see him play with his friends. He says he is infamous which is more than famous."

"Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!"

"Any one of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every last one of you motherfuckers! Got that?"

It sucked to be a player on Peruvian soccer club Cienciano on Wednesday. The players were robbed as they lined up for their wages. Guess Peru hasn't discovered direct deposit yet.

"At the moment that the players were receiving their wages, four men entered and surrounded the cashier," said Cusco police official Juan Auccahuaqui.

"It seems that the criminals were from Lima," he said. "They were well-dressed, it seems the operation had been planned. The place does not have security, anyone can come and go as they please."

The robbers were well-dressed so they must have been from Lima? What do they wear in Cusco? Burlap sacks? Llama skins? Remind me not to have anyone from Cusco plan my next event since only people from Lima plan for anything.

Baseball Players Love To Adjust Wangs

Let the 2008 "Chien-Ming Wang Double Entendre News Captionfest" start now! Adjustments always work wonders for my wang.

From MLB.com

Newsday has an interesting post that's pretty relative with the Elliot Spitzer sex scandal all over the news. Its a Top 6 Sports Sex Scandals list. Somehow Mark Chmura wasn't included though...

The Seven Deadly Sins Of Sport

Since Pope Benedict XVI has decided to come up with seven new sins out of freakin thin air, I think its only fair that someone should come up with a set of Seven Deadly Sins specifically geared towards the world of sport. Here goes nothin' and may God have mercy on my soul:

1) Thou shall not get caught using performance enhancing drugs.
- See, its ok to use them, its ok to give them to your teammates, its ok to shoot them in other's rear ends, its even ok that you sell them and supplement your already hefty income that was unjustly given to you because you aren't naturally that good...just do not get caught doing any of it. Its the ultimate don't ask, don't tell, don't get caught. Don't get caught, and you're a hero like Albert Pujols, not sayin' just sayin. Get caught and you're vilified...unless you're Shawne Merriman.

2) Thou shall not get caught cheating
- Ok, so everyone cheats in sport. To paraphrase the famous quote is if you aren't cheating you aren't trying to win. If you get caught cheating however, you are found breaking the sin and of course the torches start getting lit and you begin a slow march towards execution.

3) Thou shall not create a rap/rock/blues/jazz/etc. album
- You are an athlete. You are not a musician. No one cares that you think you have talent besides playing a game. You don't. Stop trying or you shall be mocked and ridiculed for all of eternity.

4) Thou shall use prophylactics when engaging in sexual behavior.
- For this, its ok to be a womanizer, it's your birthright as the ultimate alpha-male, just do it right and don't spread your seed. For every Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry (not his actual kids in the picture...least he doesn't think they are) or Elijah Dukes that is spat on there's a Wilt Chamberlain who does it right and is praised for it. Don't be a dork, cover your pork.

5) Thou shall not get caught harming animals for fun.
- No one knows this rule better than Michael Vick, Tripp Isenhour, Pedro Martinez or Qyntel Woods. Pedro gets a bit of a pass because he did it in a country where its legal, but pretty much any athlete who does anything cruel to an animal meets a pretty unfortunate sports demise. The Lord looks down on those who harm the lesser species. We'll see what happens with Pedro this season.

6) Thou shall not get caught gambling.
- Tim Donaghy, Pete Rose, Wayne Gretzky's wife, Michael Jordan's mysterious retirement for baseball all have some ties to gambling and all have never be the same. The easy solution is to wait til you're out of sport like Charles Barkley here to publicly gamble away all your money. People find that kind of gambling far more light hearted, but if you do it while you're active in sport you shall have a pall cast upon you...and you might get forced to run a team in Charlotte named after a guy called Bob for all of eternity.

7) Thou shall not beat on your lady, get caught, arrested, and have a mugshot taken like this
- Sports, by their nature, are very aggressive. It takes an aggressive person to participate at the highest of levels of sport. The problem some have is leaving that aggression on the field or court of play. Those who choose not to will forever be branded WIFE-BEATER and those scarlet 2 words will follow you until your death...Jason Kidd.

Rockets Impersonate Dikembe

The guys at Odenized have found another gem. Here's the entire Houston Rockets team trying their best to sound like their elderly teammate, Dikembe Mutombo.

Constitutional Vol. "More Links Being Dumped"

College Tournaments are in full swing, Spring Training is warming up, NBA and NHL teams are jockeying for playoff position, its a good time to be a sports fan. Alas with all this stuff going on, we still need more things to post. Hence why you have this...welcome to the Constitutional.

• Florida is losing spring training teams to Arizona at an alarming rate. Sun Sentinel
  


• Brett Favre tribute editions of SI are flying off the shelves in Wisconsin. La Crosse Tribune
  


• Drew Bledsoe is making wine in his retirement and is at peace with his time in the NFL. New York Times
  


• Jeter opens his very own rehab center. MLB.com
  


• Friday Night Lights is returning for a 3rd season (with requisite hot women pictures). Rumors and Rants
  


• Isiah loves him some popcorn. Life In The Cell
  


• Man U footballer is injured by a toilet stall door and other poor excuses for injuries in soccer. Fan IQ
  


• I'm not sure why they emailed me this, but here's some of Maxim's hometown hotties in bikinis. Yea, i know its not sport, but they're actually quite hot. Maxim.com
  


• The must read Legend of Cannonball Richards. On 205th
  


• Want Tiger Woods to be your caddy? You can win it. Scott Van Pelt Style
  


• Its Kobe Bryant Blog Day...i have no idea what this means but i'm interested to see what'l happen. With-Malice
  


• In an effort to learn how to stop be bleeding before its too late, Matt Leinart is training to be an EMT. Hugging Harold Reynolds
  


• The Buzz picks the Best & Worst football movies. End Zone Buzz
  

When All Else Fails, Post Some Japanese Game Show

So I've got nothing much here for Monday, so that means, post some crazy Japanese game show filler. Here's a brand new competitive sport, a Sliding Door Battle! The Japanese can make anything exciting. Not sure what the bug outfits are for though, but they only make it more awesome.

From JapanProbe

One Way To Get Time Off For The NCAA Tourney

(Turns out that Deadspin had this up Sunday...but I missed that, even used the same graphic at the top...but i'll leave it up here for the Family Guy song at the end. Sorry chums! Thanks 100% for the tip)
The Oregon Urology Institute has a suggestion for guys who want to skip work and watch the first couple rounds of March Madness, get a vasectomy! They are willing to supply guys who sign up for a vasectomy before the NCAA Tournament with a "recovery kit" including sports magazines, free pizza delivery and a bag of frozen peas for your junk.

"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the advertisement of the clinic's radio said. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts."

"Wouldn't it be ideal," [Terry] FitzPatrick [administrator of the institute]said, "just to be able to have your vasectomy so you could watch March Madness?"

He had reserved a dozen appointment slots for March 19, the day before the first tipoffs of the NCAA Tournament. By Thursday afternoon, 15 men had signed up. FitzPatrick expected to fill all 24 slots and to make the promotion annual.

I dunno why any of these idiots would do this when you can just hop on to CBSportsline and watch all the games online while at work...um, yea, except I won't be doing that at my job...nooo way...not me, never mind that I said that. The free magazines and pizza are enticing however. Perhaps if i was out of my prime baby making years i'd think about it just so I could sit at home and watch them all on the HD while chowing down on free pizza (always the best pizza) but I'm trying to catch up with the Elijah Dukes and Travis Henrys of the world dammit!

The best thing about this story is that it allows us to post the Family Guy Vasectomy Song in case you wondered exactly what happens when the doctor goes snip snip down there...sorta. Enjoy

From Some Chinese Paper

It Was A One In A Million Shot Doc

Always make sure that when you're rally racing, you have plenty of padding underneath you.