Usually we're saying watch out for the big girl when we say two tons of fun but Boston pitchers work too. When Schilling comes off the DL, the post-game buffet may start crying.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Two Tons Of Fun
Friday, March 14, 2008
The Story Of Eric Djemba-Djemba
Just imagine you've signed a deal to play for Manchester United but inside you know that you're no good and don't even deserve to play in the top division let alone at Man U. What would you do? Play it cool and just hang on as long as possible while banking the millions you don't deserve? Not if you're Eric Djemba-Djemba.
Former Man U "player" Djemba-Djemba declared bankruptcy last year but that wasn't the half of it. His agent has revealed that while Djemba-Djemba was earning £75,000 a month at Man U, he was relying on appearance and bonus monies to get by.
[Agent Christopher] Mongay said: "Eric is on a different planet. He simply has no notion of money. At one point, he had 30 different bank accounts. He was juggling between credits.I mean, eight 4x4's would seem appropriate but 10? After failing miserably at United, he moved on to Aston Villa where he also failed miserably. In his bankruptcy hearing, it was claimed that he even owed money to the Aston Villa club shop. Hey Djemba, don't tell 'em you're Jewish!
"There was a time when he owned 10 4x4-drive cars — 10! I kept telling him all the time to watch out. When he arrived at Manchester United, I decided to take over the running of his accounts. It used to take me four hours a day! At United he was earning about £75,000 basic per month. But every penny was going straight to loan repayments. He was having to live on bonuses and extras. He started to ask United for advances and, at a club like that, something like that doesn't go down well."
Now Djemba-Djemba's earning a measly £15,000 a month playing in Qatar. Let this story be a lesson to you profligate athletes out there. Even if you blow your load on multiple homes and posses like MC Hammer, you can still make it so go ahead and spend spend spend.
We'll leave you with a quote from Djemba-Djemba's coach at Nantes talking about something he said that would come back to haunt him. "'I don't understand this. In France, I see money coming out of the walls'. He was talking about cash machines."
It's All Halal, Baby
Are you ready for some baseball Pakistan-style? The 16th National Baseball Championship kicked off in Pakistan in early March. Who the hell knew the Pakistanis know how to handle two kinds of bats?
Information on the league has been hard to come by or I'm just lazy. I'd go with the latter.
** The picture is actually of a game in Afghanistan. It's the best I could do. They're next to each other and terrorists go in and out of each like Eliot Spitzer ... eh forget it.
I Gotta Say It Wasn't A Good Day
"Aw yeah, it's hump day! Time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade! I'm gonna head out to the club, get my pisco on and tear up the pan flute!"
"Oh yeah, my brother plays that in some place in New York called Union Square. He says many people come to see him play with his friends. He says he is infamous which is more than famous."
"Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!"
"Any one of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every last one of you motherfuckers! Got that?"
It sucked to be a player on Peruvian soccer club Cienciano on Wednesday. The players were robbed as they lined up for their wages. Guess Peru hasn't discovered direct deposit yet.
"At the moment that the players were receiving their wages, four men entered and surrounded the cashier," said Cusco police official Juan Auccahuaqui.The robbers were well-dressed so they must have been from Lima? What do they wear in Cusco? Burlap sacks? Llama skins? Remind me not to have anyone from Cusco plan my next event since only people from Lima plan for anything.
"It seems that the criminals were from Lima," he said. "They were well-dressed, it seems the operation had been planned. The place does not have security, anyone can come and go as they please."
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Baseball Players Love To Adjust Wangs
Let the 2008 "Chien-Ming Wang Double Entendre News Captionfest" start now! Adjustments always work wonders for my wang.
From MLB.com
Newsday has an interesting post that's pretty relative with the Elliot Spitzer sex scandal all over the news. Its a Top 6 Sports Sex Scandals list. Somehow Mark Chmura wasn't included though...
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
The Seven Deadly Sins Of Sport
Since Pope Benedict XVI has decided to come up with seven new sins out of freakin thin air, I think its only fair that someone should come up with a set of Seven Deadly Sins specifically geared towards the world of sport. Here goes nothin' and may God have mercy on my soul:
1) Thou shall not get caught using performance enhancing drugs.
- See, its ok to use them, its ok to give them to your teammates, its ok to shoot them in other's rear ends, its even ok that you sell them and supplement your already hefty income that was unjustly given to you because you aren't naturally that good...just do not get caught doing any of it. Its the ultimate don't ask, don't tell, don't get caught. Don't get caught, and you're a hero like Albert Pujols, not sayin' just sayin. Get caught and you're vilified...unless you're Shawne Merriman.
2) Thou shall not get caught cheating
- Ok, so everyone cheats in sport. To paraphrase the famous quote is if you aren't cheating you aren't trying to win. If you get caught cheating however, you are found breaking the sin and of course the torches start getting lit and you begin a slow march towards execution.
3) Thou shall not create a rap/rock/blues/jazz/etc. album
- You are an athlete. You are not a musician. No one cares that you think you have talent besides playing a game. You don't. Stop trying or you shall be mocked and ridiculed for all of eternity.
4) Thou shall use prophylactics when engaging in sexual behavior.
- For this, its ok to be a womanizer, it's your birthright as the ultimate alpha-male, just do it right and don't spread your seed. For every Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry (not his actual kids in the picture...least he doesn't think they are) or Elijah Dukes that is spat on there's a Wilt Chamberlain who does it right and is praised for it. Don't be a dork, cover your pork.
5) Thou shall not get caught harming animals for fun.
- No one knows this rule better than Michael Vick, Tripp Isenhour, Pedro Martinez or Qyntel Woods. Pedro gets a bit of a pass because he did it in a country where its legal, but pretty much any athlete who does anything cruel to an animal meets a pretty unfortunate sports demise. The Lord looks down on those who harm the lesser species. We'll see what happens with Pedro this season.
6) Thou shall not get caught gambling.
- Tim Donaghy, Pete Rose, Wayne Gretzky's wife, Michael Jordan's mysterious retirement for baseball all have some ties to gambling and all have never be the same. The easy solution is to wait til you're out of sport like Charles Barkley here to publicly gamble away all your money. People find that kind of gambling far more light hearted, but if you do it while you're active in sport you shall have a pall cast upon you...and you might get forced to run a team in Charlotte named after a guy called Bob for all of eternity.
7) Thou shall not beat on your lady, get caught, arrested, and have a mugshot taken like this
- Sports, by their nature, are very aggressive. It takes an aggressive person to participate at the highest of levels of sport. The problem some have is leaving that aggression on the field or court of play. Those who choose not to will forever be branded WIFE-BEATER and those scarlet 2 words will follow you until your death...Jason Kidd.
Rockets Impersonate Dikembe
The guys at Odenized have found another gem. Here's the entire Houston Rockets team trying their best to sound like their elderly teammate, Dikembe Mutombo.
Constitutional Vol. "More Links Being Dumped"
College Tournaments are in full swing, Spring Training is warming up, NBA and NHL teams are jockeying for playoff position, its a good time to be a sports fan. Alas with all this stuff going on, we still need more things to post. Hence why you have this...welcome to the Constitutional.
- Florida is losing spring training teams to Arizona at an alarming rate. Sun Sentinel
- Brett Favre tribute editions of SI are flying off the shelves in Wisconsin. La Crosse Tribune
- Drew Bledsoe is making wine in his retirement and is at peace with his time in the NFL. New York Times
- Jeter opens his very own rehab center. MLB.com
- Friday Night Lights is returning for a 3rd season (with requisite hot women pictures). Rumors and Rants
- Isiah loves him some popcorn. Life In The Cell
- Man U footballer is injured by a toilet stall door and other poor excuses for injuries in soccer. Fan IQ
- I'm not sure why they emailed me this, but here's some of Maxim's hometown hotties in bikinis. Yea, i know its not sport, but they're actually quite hot. Maxim.com
- The must read Legend of Cannonball Richards. On 205th
- Want Tiger Woods to be your caddy? You can win it. Scott Van Pelt Style
- Its Kobe Bryant Blog Day...i have no idea what this means but i'm interested to see what'l happen. With-Malice
- In an effort to learn how to stop be bleeding before its too late, Matt Leinart is training to be an EMT. Hugging Harold Reynolds
- The Buzz picks the Best & Worst football movies. End Zone Buzz
Monday, March 10, 2008
When All Else Fails, Post Some Japanese Game Show
From JapanProbe
One Way To Get Time Off For The NCAA Tourney
(Turns out that Deadspin had this up Sunday...but I missed that, even used the same graphic at the top...but i'll leave it up here for the Family Guy song at the end. Sorry chums! Thanks 100% for the tip)
The Oregon Urology Institute has a suggestion for guys who want to skip work and watch the first couple rounds of March Madness, get a vasectomy! They are willing to supply guys who sign up for a vasectomy before the NCAA Tournament with a "recovery kit" including sports magazines, free pizza delivery and a bag of frozen peas for your junk.
"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the advertisement of the clinic's radio said. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts."
"Wouldn't it be ideal," [Terry] FitzPatrick [administrator of the institute]said, "just to be able to have your vasectomy so you could watch March Madness?"
He had reserved a dozen appointment slots for March 19, the day before the first tipoffs of the NCAA Tournament. By Thursday afternoon, 15 men had signed up. FitzPatrick expected to fill all 24 slots and to make the promotion annual.
I dunno why any of these idiots would do this when you can just hop on to CBSportsline and watch all the games online while at work...um, yea, except I won't be doing that at my job...nooo way...not me, never mind that I said that. The free magazines and pizza are enticing however. Perhaps if i was out of my prime baby making years i'd think about it just so I could sit at home and watch them all on the HD while chowing down on free pizza (always the best pizza) but I'm trying to catch up with the Elijah Dukes and Travis Henrys of the world dammit!
The best thing about this story is that it allows us to post the Family Guy Vasectomy Song in case you wondered exactly what happens when the doctor goes snip snip down there...sorta. Enjoy
From Some Chinese Paper
It Was A One In A Million Shot Doc
Always make sure that when you're rally racing, you have plenty of padding underneath you.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Seriously check this band out and go to their show tonight if you're in the DC/Baltimore area. For more info go see the Constitutional.
Hank Baskett Will Teach Your Children
Philadelphia Eagle wide receiver Hank Baskett has found a way to keep himself busy this offseason, he'll be teaching a sociology of sport course at Clovis Community College. Despite having never taught any course in his life or even having a degree in sociology, Baskett was tapped to teach the course by the sociology department head Ruthie Hefner.
She said Baskett did not immediately sign up for the course, but spent time making sure he had the proper background to teach the class.
She said he picked out the textbook for the class, and she designed the curriculum around his particular experience.
“He spent about four or five months reading the topics,” she said. “And he started reading and deciding whether or not his credentials were a match.”
Man, who wouldn't want to pay money for a course taught by a football player with no credentials other than reading a book for four or five months...and playing football. I can't imagine why just 8 people have signed up for this 30 person course, this has got to be the easiest guaranteed "A" course in any school's history. That's even counting the African American Popular Music course I took at school where my final exam was a very bad play demonstrating my incredibly poor dancing abilities. Oh yea, that was money well spent.
The good news is that Eagles fans have a new nickname they can give Baskett...The Professor!
Wear This Mask And Get Swiftly Beat Down
This mask is actually for sale. The website says the mask is "[d]esigned to help protect against facial injuries. Total padding on both sides". It should also come with a guarantee that whomever your opponent is will kick your ass quickly and violently. If you have to wear this mask, you shouldn't be participating in whatever sport you're playing, plain and simple.
I'm not even sure why this mask is even designed like it is, what is the point of the gigantic eye holes? What's up with that chinstrap? Who actually wears this crap? So many questions...so angry...
Random Video of Horrific Violence: "Failed Wall Flip"
This just did not go well
Backflip-goes-wrong - Funny videos are here
Bonus Video: Balls To The Face
This made me laugh, i dunno if it is the build up to the final blow but its funny, damn funny when it happens. At least it was to me in my slightly inebriated state. Happy friday you poopers.
Constituional Vol "Free Publicity"
I'll be up in Baltimore tonight at Rams Head Live on the Inner Harbor watching my sister's band Laredo do their thing at 8pm (doors at 7pm). Anyone who wants to help her out and show some support, do go and check them out and look for me wearing a black Laredo shirt. Go to their Myspace page and listen to their stuff, ya got 4 pretty sweet rock songs on their for your morning. It's Friday and a mostly slow "news" week comes to a virtual close but if Mustafa ever gets his internet fixed at home we might see some weekend posting here, so stay tuned. Until then...welcome to the Constitutional.
- Here's a whole list of NFL players who have tried MMA Fighting. Bodog Life Fight Files
- Chad Johnson took a swing at Marvin Lewis and hit him in the eye! DAMN! The Sporting Blog
- John Gruden is caddying for John Daly...wonder if they go for drinks after? Fox Sports
- Here's some photos of some athletes out in the real world. I hope this is a regular feature. EBSports Blog
- Pat Riley stepping away to scout? What? Another year he won't coach for a full season...I wish I could step away from my job as often as he does.Sedano Show
- Freshman wrestler takes people down...with one arm. Scott Van Pelt Style
- Johnny Unitas will train children how to kill. I wish i thought of scanning these first. Kudos guys. Food Court Lunch
- Former Yankee takes 'roids...but for the RIGHT reasons. Steroid Nation
- Here's a Q&A for the upcoming Lebowskifest. Randball
- Is there really an NBA ROY contest going on right now? Legend of Cecilio Guante
- NBA Teams as TV Shows. With Malice
- This is a "good" point. Introducing Liston
- Really, what are the Jets thinking? Rumors And Rants
- 11 ways the Favre retirement has been totally overblown. Epic Carnival
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Four Square Is Not Just For Kids Anymore
The World Championships of Four Square just occurred up in Maine a couple weeks ago in yet another childhood sport that has gone "adult". There actually is an organization that helps people set up their own community leagues and hosts the World Championships called Squarefour.org. If you happen to live in the Boston area, you can sign up for their own league right online.
I used to rock at four square on the asphalt playgrounds of my youth, but it looks like their rules have taken away the many different ways we cheated hit the ball. No atom bombs or super spin in this league. The dork level seems about on par with the kickball leagues that have sprung up all over, which isn't a bad thing if you're a dork and you're trying to get laid. Still intrigued? Watch the highlights of the 2008 World Championships below.
The Only Way To Take Out A Streaker
He should have taken the bat to the dude's neck as a finishing blow. Watch the video of this...
From Daily Mail UK
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
SHOOT IT DEAD!
That is about the only thing that came to mind when I was watching this video. I'm only posting it to ruin you all like I was and because it's all about sports. This is, with out a doubt, the worst piece of synth-pop I have ever witnessed. The only saving grace is it is intentionally bad and part of Tim & Eric's Awesome show. God it is horrible though. So, with those warnings, enjoy SPORTS!
Fantasty Football Site Screws Customers
The old axiom of "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is" still holds water. The American Fantasy Football League promised it's league winners $500,000 in prize money for people signing up, paying for their site and participating in their leagues. Unfortunately for the people who signed up for this site, the AFFL has no money and cannot pay it's winners.
The site was set up in such a way as to get around the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act which effectively prevents gambling online by stating the prize money up front. The bad thing is, they never got enough people to sign up to justify the gigantic payout and now still owe $475,000 in prize money payouts to its customers. Too make it worse, they have $850,000 in current liabilities with no cash coming in to save them yet.
"The problem is that we front-loaded money as entry fees came in. I shouldn’t have assumed we were going to get a certain level of growth. Had we known we weren’t going to get the growth, we wouldn’t have made software changes. Then, we wouldn’t have set the prizes as high as we did. People think we’re running away with the money. We’re not running away with any money; it went to the business.”
Whoops. Looks like they overestimated things a little bit. They should have followed another old axiom "Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver."
Story from Fantasy FanaticsRandom Video of Horrific Violence: Treadmill Handstand
Yea um...don't try this at home kids. Man, do face plants ever get old?
Monday, March 3, 2008
MLB Strikes Out Online Coverage
MLB baseball is now following in NFL's heavy handed footsteps by limiting the amount of coverage online news outlets can give to their sport. Why would baseball want to limit all the free advertising that news outlets give their sport? Money of course. Online news outlets will now only be able to have no more than seven photos from any games and cannot create a photo gallery from those images (so long Yahoo Sports and SI.com galleries) . Also, no more than two minutes of audio/visual footage can be posted about a game and the only site that can post highlights are those who have a deal with MLB Advanced Media (so long YouTube clips). This more than likely means to get all the coverage of the sport that fans are used to, they will have to go to MLB.com.
Heavyhanded? Yup. In one way, this deal is better than the NFL's policy with respect to the amount of a/v footage, MLB is somewhat charitable giving 2 minutes compared to the NFL's 45 seconds, but still it is pretty bad. What really hurts is the "no more slideshows of games" and just 7 photos. That is a bad bad idea and even the NFL doesn't have that policy.
Baseball is a beautiful game to watch in photographs and so many plays come to life when captured in a still frame, the public will lose out when it cannot see all the pictures of a game. Not that anyone but us bloggers scour the photo galleries for timeless photos that people might have missed, but where does this leave individual's photo galleries? The rules, for now, seem to be just for news outlets, but how long will it be before the pseudo news outlets like us blogs or social sites like Flickr are targeted?
It will be interesting to see how this affects the big boys' coverage of the sport. Perhaps they will be less forthcoming to give MLB as much coverage as they used to. Baseball isn't the NFL, it needs all the good free publicity it can get and by biting the hand that feeds, they might not get fed as much as they used to.
From Ars Technica
If Griffey Caught This, He Would Have Broken All The Bones In His Body
This catch is better than pretty much any Major League Baseball catch ever. That's right, I said it. Wow.
Constitutional Vol. "Times Are A Changin"
Big weekend for NFL free agency, I'm sure plenty of sites will have round-ups of those events so you probably won't find much about it here. We deal with the minutiae of sports so that kinda in depth analysis you should look elsewhere for. But keep coming back for our normal crap. Big weekend for the Chimp as well, I popped the question to my gal and she said yes, so I'm soon to be a married man, in a year or so at least. Go me. Here's some links to get you through your Monday...welcome to the Constitutional.
- Pitchfork Media will pick use their indie snobbery to pick music for 2kSports new baseball videogame. GameIndustry
- Broncos' Marcus Thomas arrested for possession. Rocky Mountain News
- Whats worse than Savage Speedball? Well, Speed Pool of course. FanIQ
- Ryan Church is a whiny bitch. Captiol Punishment
- In case you missed it, Michigan's womens basketball coach goes NUTS in a post game interview. You must see it. Gold, Jerry. Gold. Sportscolumn Blog
- Collection of odd baseball youtubes. On 205th
- All about the Jason Taylor situation. Sedano Show
- UTEP has sexy models on their basketball team. SportsbyBrooks
- UFC is ditching Mickey's for Bud. Say it aint so!! Cousins of Ron Mexico
- Dwarf Tossing is Illegal in NY. Who knew? Hugging Harold Reynolds for more on Dwarf Tossing check out this oldie but goodie.
- Did the Pistons "Bad Boys" have the best nicknames of any team? Legend of Cecilio Guante
- Shaq trade...now officially the worst thing they could have done. Larry Brown Sports
- New Oriole Luke Scott is a paranoid man with a gun. Can't Stop The Bleeding
- The Dodgers are erasing their steroids laden past. Lion In Oil
- John Papelbon is lookin pretty fly here. EBSports Blog
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Your Beijing Olympics Opening Cermonies
LiveLeak has an inside look at one of the acts from this summer's Beijing Olympics opening ceremonies.
Looks Señor Spielbergo (Steven Spielberg's Mexican equivalent) is sparing no expense.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Act Like You've Been There Before. Oh That's Right You Haven't
We've been terribly remiss in not discussing the Tottenham brawl the night after their Carling Cup win over Chelsea last Sunday.
Captain Ledley King was tossed out of a club called Faces after being too faced to stand. Instead of leaving quietly, he decided to start a fight outside the club and the Daily Mail has pictoral goodness.
Ledley's in white with his back to the camera.King attempted to fight his way back into the club by taking on several bouncers until he was restrained.
Several other Spurs players were at the club including Jermaine Jenas (seen below) and Aaron Lennon with his idiotic, matching eyebrow/hair parts.
Nothing says winner like dressing like a 14 year old kid who should be selling candy on the F train for a fictional basketball team trip to the Central African Republic. The funny thing is that Jenas would probably play just as well in his drunken condition as he would sober. Most of the other Spurs players at the club managed to hold it together and float the buoy.The paper also reports that WAG Danielle Lloyd and David Beckham's sister Joanne got into it as well. Unfortunately their confrontation only consisted of a "heated argument". Witnesses said that the two were arguing about whether the Copenhagen interpretation is still worthy and whether stuff is really better than things.
Move over, Christopher Hitchens. We can prove God doesn't exist with one link.
There is no God.
If You're 36 And Wear Earmuffs
And you want to be a ballboy, call Peter Angelos.
The Baltimore Sun's Roch Kubatko reports that "there will be an open tryout March 8 at noon at Oriole Park for people 18 and older who want to be a ballboy or ballgirl this season".
I pray this isn't a typo. I just want Benny from the mailroom to finally live out his dream of being pegged by an Adam Loewen pickoff throw.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Kevin Bacon Just Wants To Dance...For The Knicks
Yea, Kevin Bacon here is obviously thrilled to be at a Knicks game and he's almost even more thrilled that he's being interviewed during halftime of what was surely a boring as sin game. So here he is, and all he wants to do is...DANCE!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Kevin Faulk Gets Blunted For Lil Wayne Concert
Patriots running back Kevin Faulk was issued a misdemeanor summons, not arrested, last friday for possession of 4 marijuana cigarettes in his pocket when he was searched going into the suites of the Lafayette Cajundome for a Lil Wayne concert. I hear ya Kev, if i was going to a Lil' Wayne show i'd sure want to be as blitzed out of my mind while sitting there, but son, you gotta protect your stash a little better than that! There are about a million ways to hide that herb man, how on earth are you gonna allow yourself to get caught?
Didn't you see everyone getting searched before you in line? Why didn't you get out of line and hide that shit in your shoe or something at the least?? They wont make you take your damn shoes off there, this isnt the TSA! Better yet, why the hell didn't you just smoke up before hand, then go backstage in the middle of the show and smoke up with his crew? You know he was carrying back there, he's Lil' Damn Wayne and you're a Patriots running back! People...learn from this lesson, don't be like Kevin Faulk, learn to smoke right if you must smoke at all.
From SeacoastOnline
Foosball Robots Will Take Over The World
The geeks over at the University Of Freiburg in Germany have created the ultimate Foosball opponent, a machine. Sorta like the Deep Blue of Foosball, the KiRo is constructed of several motors attached to the foosball table rods which are connected to the electronic control system and guided by a camera that continually scans the table surface for ball movement and player position and movement. The computer follows the ball's movement and speed and choses the best possible move based upon the speed, trajectory and position of all the foosball guys in the ball's path.
At this moment the machine has won 85% of its games against casual players, but the nerds at the school are hoping to get that up high enough to bring it on against pro foosball players. Now that I have to see, not the robot against pros, but pro foosball players actually playing foosball.
Here in America, we have our own challenger already for the KiRo and thats the Foosbot by the American geeks at Illinois University -Urbana-Champaign. They claim their machine is completely undefeated, although I doubt that from watching the machine work. Want to watch the devastation that is the foosbot? I thought so, check it below, and turn down the volume unless you wanna hear a crappy nu metal soundtrack:
Foosball man picture by MattRubens
Foosball story by HobbyStop
Johnny Bench Will Get You Drunk
Johnny Bench is being honored on a limited edition bottle of Makers Mark at Kentucky's Turfway Park. 3000 of these bottles have been made to commemorate their Lanes End Stakes. The booze will go on sale March 14th and proceeds benefit the Cincinnati Reds Hall of Fame and Museum and the Johnny Bench Scholarship Fund.
This should totally be a trend. I want more players to be on bottles of hooch for me to buy. Give me a Bret Boone bottle of Wild Turkey or the Bret Favre bottle of Sailor Jerry any day, i'll pony up for that stuff. Boy, guys named Bret love the hooch don't they?
From Local12
Your boys may not be able to swim anymore but that's cool. Norway's got your back even after you blow up the outside world. Yeah that was weak but anything for a Soundgarden video.
This video sucks but the sound is pretty good. Check out Eddie Van Halen and Michael Jackson on the same stage.
Good thing Wolfgang wasn't alive yet. Michael might have claimed him as royalties. King me, Wolfie!
Chimp Rage Needs Your Help
Ok gang, I am headed out to beautiful Las Vegas in a little over one month and I am in need of some fun and unique things to do there. Drop a note in the comments, tell the Deuce about your Vegas fun and let me know something new and interesting that I can do while I'm out there. Let me know what you think are the best tables, loosest slots, great unknown restaurants, fun random places that no one knows about or just fun places altogether, places for cheap drinks, etc...whatever, let me know. Even if you just want to wax poetic about your last Vegas experience, I wanna hear it. Might give me some ideas. If you even want to donate a buck or two for me to put on black, go ahead and do it here.
It'll be interesting to see if anyone will actually donate for the Bet on Black fund, I doubt it, but I just figured out how to do that button so watch out, it'll be all over this site in no time. Anyway, keep in mind, I've been there before, I've shot guns there, I've raced cars on the speedway (well I watched, that stuff is expensive, but i saw Mario Andretti), I've played most the table games, I've been to all the casinos, I've been to the Double Down Saloon and sucked down their ass juice, I've hit the strip clubs, I've done the Food TV restaurants like Emeril and Bobby Flay, I've been to clubs and lounges like Ghost Bar and Mix Bar, I've done the Rum Jungle...ok i can keep going, but the point is, I'm looking for something new and fun and since i'm a tourist, I don't know all that is there besides the touristy stuff.
I thought about hitting the pinball hall of fame, where you can play pinball machines for free, but the 20 buck cab ride out there doesn't make it seem worth it...especially because my girlfriend definitely doesn't want to check that out, but maybe you can change my mind. I'm looking to try the Price is Right but I have no idea if that is worth it. So if someone wants to chime in on that, that'd be good. So if any of you out there has any worthwhile ideas, let me know in the comments.
SPAM ALERT
Ok, some people out there in the world might be getting spammed by someone who is spoofing our address. Trust us, it is not us. But twice in the past week someone has been spoofing like crazy our email addy, which sucks for real. My inbox has been flooded by returned to sender mail for fucking ever. Same as Mustafa's. So, i'm sorry people who have been getting spammed, its not us, blame the spammer. If we find him, we will shit on him for you. Thanks for your time
Monday, February 25, 2008
You Are Who You Don't Think You Are
Eddy eat only good player on team. No want get better.Somebody call the wahmbulance for Eddy Curry. He claims that he doesn't "fit in" with the Knicks. Apparently he's under the illusion that he doesn't suck. Somebody better let him know there's no other team for him. No one's going to help him realize his suck potential like Isiah. It's no good just being mediocre. If that's what Curry wanted, he should have gone to Philly.
Curry also claimed that he's not going to change who he is. At least he's committed himself to being a crap player.
Your Cluelessness Is Your Scarlet Letter
"I can't even look at you after this past week, whatever your name is."I'll refrain from commenting too much on Spurs winning a tin cup for the first time in ... well forever. At least since the Thirty Years War. I'm not bitter or anything. I had a bad feeling about the Carling Cup final between Chelsea and Spurs on Sunday due to Chelsea's recent play.
Chelsea manager Avram Grant is starting to prove skeptics right as he was outcoached and outclassed yesterday by Spurs manager Juande Ramos. His tactics were questionable and that's being generous. He continues to get it wrong in terms of personnel decisions and adapting to changes and challenges during matches. It pains me to say it but Spurs deserved the win. One has to question if Grant really knows what the hell he's doing.
Somewhere Jose Mourinho and Steve Nash are laughing.
You Heard It Here First
Darren McFadden will be a Cincinnati Bengal this fall. How you ask? It's quite simple you see.
You're already aware that he loves fighting and somehow gets Escalades without getting nailed like an amateur such as Reggie Bush. Now you can add baby mama drama to the mix.
Teams at the NFL combine found out that not only is he the subject of a paternity suit but he already has two kids on the way. Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry agree that the Force is strong with this one.
However Henry also warned McFadden that he has a long way to go before he can touch Henry on and off the field. "Shit, dawg. I got nine kids with nine different mamas. He ain't even comin' close to that. I'll get worried when he gets to seven or eight."
No way the Bengals don't trade up to grab him.
Tennessee's Jordan Howell Is Feeling Sexy
The Vol's senior guard Jordan Howell can play the piano and sing...and is feeling sexy enough to tackle the mighty Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" like only a white kid from Alabama doing what sounds like a cover of Ben Folds Five covering Marvin Gaye can. He's even done a favor for us and stuck it up on Youtube for us all to watch and enjoy cringe. I'd say stick to basketball but he's averaging only 5.4 points a game so...um...yea, i hope he finishes up that degree in finance and gets a good job.
Straight Balla' stuff right there, so much so, he's even got his own fanclub on Facebook titled "Jordan Howell Usta be a bench warmin Screech look-a-like, now he's a BALLA!". Hilarious.
The English Love Their Kids
Not only will they sign 5 year old soccer players but now they have a 13 year old boy who will represent them in the 2008 Olympic Games. Tom Daley is going to be competing in the 10m Dive event for England, becoming the youngest kid ever to participate in the games for the country.
There has got to be some sorta built in advantage to being that young and doing a dive competition. I mean, he's like way lighter than all the other competitors, he'll be floating up there for ever doing his spins and tucks in mid air. His splash will have to be next to nothing going into the water since the kid looks like he weighs around 50lbs.
The Brits have the right idea, we Americans need to train a new legion of 8 year olds to compete in the Olympics against this kid. Its the only way we'll stay a national power.
From BBC Sport
Sometimes The Dumbest Bets Are the Best
In the UK a man wagered 1 dollar and won 2 million dollars. You have to love this story. This guy, who at present wishes to remain unknown, wagered the correct winner of 8 different races on the Friday horse races, he bet 1 dollar to win 2 million and hit the biggest parlay I've ever heard of. The first horse that won was named "Isn't That Lucky" and the last was "A Dream Come True". The best thing is, he didn't even know he won the next day because he was back at it on Saturday making more crazy parlays...where he didn't win a single won, losing $5.
I gotta start hitting the track more and trying this. Sure the odds are against you, but they have to be better than Powerball or Keno. Perhaps i'll try this when I go to Vegas in April. Ohhh yea.
From Yahoo Sports
What Would You Have If You Had Some Balls On Your Chin
Russell Westbrook let the PAC-10 know the answer in case they never heard The Chronic.
Unsilent linked this yesterday at Deadspin but we had to link it ourselves. Victim LeKendric Longmire is lucky that Russell didn't follow that up with some bukakke.
Cake: The New Killer
It's all fun and games until someone overdoes on cake. A cake eating contest in Birmingham, England has claimed the life of a man who was participating in the event to raise funds for an art exhibit. The cake that killed the man were fairy cakes, which are commonly known in America as cupcakes.
Yes you read that all right. Death by cupcakes. Yea, that is just not a dignified way to go there. Bloated from the ever expanding cake in the stomach, face covered in icing, your teeth and tongue stained from the coloring used to make the delicious treats look pretty, a glass of milk gets warm as your body gets colder...not the way I want to go at all. Truly tragic. Lets hope he won, although you can't have your cake and eat it too.
From BBC News
Constitutional Vol: "SUPER FLUSH"
Welcome to a long awaited Constitutional, brought to you by the Washington Nationals Super Flush of 2008. Check the links for more about that, but love this image from the Ballpark Guys forums. Also, for all you Nationals fans out there in DC, they're saying that Five Guys, Ben's Chili Bowl, Hard Times Cafe, Gifford's Ice Cream, Cantina Marina, Boardwalk Fries and others are set to open up outposts at the new stadium. That's fantastic news, I can't wait to see what other local foods I can get there in a couple months. Play ball...and welcome to the Constitutional.
- All you ever wanted to know about flushing 500 toilets at once in a baseball stadium. Washington Post
- These guys want to be the Nationals official beer. Washington Business Journal
- Hardcore ain't so hardcore anymore. Out of Left Field via With Malice
- Don't drink 50 Red Bulls a day, every day, or you will end up like this guy. Sports By Brooks
- Dropping a deuce at the Olympics will be tougher than you think. I love a good poo story. 100% Injury Rate @ FanIQ
- Mike Piazza had to sneak into a party...not a gay party, i repeat he did not attend a gay party. Sedano Show
- Sure Isiah, it was the trade deadline's fault. Scott Van Pelt Style
- Bruce Pearl does what every man wants to do, grab Erin Andrews. Awful Announcing
- American Gladiator's champ was a Blazers girl once...not quite as special as being a Lakers girl, but she's not trying to compete with J Lo or Paula Abdul, she could kick her ass. On 205th
- Creepy doll hung in effigy or just a boring video of a stuffed animal on a fan. You decide. SEC Football Blogger
- This guy is awesome. Luol's Dong
- The NBA Oscar Award goes to... JE Skeets @ Yahoo NBA Blog
- Oregon's basketball uniforms are kinda freaky. Mr. Irrelevant
- The greatest hamburger ever. Can't Stop The Bleeding
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Joe Theismann Feels Your Pain
Arsenal's troubles continued today at St. Andrews where they drew 2-2 with Birmingham City. Their pain was increased by a horrific leg break inflicted on Crozilian (or Broatian if you prefer) striker Eduardo da Silva by Birmingham's Martin Taylor.
Lawrence Taylor does a couple lines and bows in Taylor's general direction.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Oh No You Don't
I won't stand for this. No way Elijah Dukes goes straight now. I am a Nats partial season ticket holder and I demand that the crazy continue. The Nats have Elijah, Da Meat Hook, Lastings Milledge and Paul Lo Duca on the same team and now they want to make everyone walk straight? Sheeeeeeit. I've paid too much money and invested too much hope in this potential train wreck. Just think of the potential Eastern Motors commericals that will never see the light of day. By Thor's Hammer, please don't take this away from us.
Arrrr, Matey. Here Be Your New Stadium
For some reason, the Devil Rays (yeah I know) have decided to stick with the ship theme for their new ballpark. 'Duk has posted a rendering of the new stadium along with links to other pics here.
As one commenter pointed out, wind and rain can go sideways. Just another example of the D-Rays cutting corners.
Expect the Bucs stadium to rape Scott Kazmir and pillage the D-Rays stadium shortly after it opens.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Lindsay Czarniak Is Big Time...Sorta
See that picture right there? Thats Lindsay Czarniak's caricature drawn up on the wall of the Palm restaurant in Washington DC. For those of you who don't know, that officially means you've "made it" here in town. I didn't know that Lindsay had "made it", but apparently she has because she is now on a wall full of DC power players, including Mr. Tony Kornheiser.
Unfortunately for Lindsay...they spelled her name wrong. This picture of the wall was snapped last year for the Washingtonian Magazine so hopefully, the good people of the Palm Restaurant have corrected this egregious error for our new favorite sports personality in town. Also of note...look close and you will see that the artist gave her a pearl necklace. Shame on you Palm, shame on you.
If it wasn't so damned expensive, we'd go in there tomorrow and check for ourselves to see if any of this is still there, but we're broke, so someone is going to have to pop in there and let us know if its still the same.
All those who don't live in DC do not get to see the lovely and talented Lindsay Czarniak on your television every night and that is a shame...but that also means that this little DC tidbit might mean absolutely nothing to you. So instead, here's a real picture of Lindsay for you to drool over you pervy bastards.
Ms Czarniak, we salute you and, at the very least, we hope you get your name changed on that wall.
New Technology Baffles Old Redskins
Mark Mosley, Charles Mann and Art Monk are amazed by those annoying über-geek people movers known as Segways. These guys look like they've never even seen one of these, let alone hopped on them to give them a spin. Its always personally crushing when the heroes of your youth look so old and feeble in the face of modern world. I...I think I heard Charles Mann giggle. I can't take this...I need to walk away for a bit.
Now You Can Settle Your Bets Like A Man
There's no cheating allowed with this sucker. The pro thumb wrestling ring gives you a professional way to settle all debts, by way of THUMB WAR! This little sucker prevents you from pulling the super deadly, "pointer finger sneak attack" maneuver an lets to and lets two thumbs battle it out, mano a mano...or really pulgar a pulgar. Yea, i know how to use an online dictionary.
Imagine the wars that could have been avoided if two world leaders could have duked it out with this? Hitler didn't stand a chance! Saddam's immobile beefy fingers had no chance with Bush's nimble, hook like digits! Thumb wrestling settles it all.
From Perpetual Kid
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Proof That Spain and Real Madrid Hate Your Freedom
1. The Spanish Football Federation have fined Samuel Eto'o for singing anti-Real Madrid songs yet they continue to let their national manager Luis Aragones be a racist as well as tolerate the racist abuse of players by football fans including the Ultras of Real Madrid.
2. Speaking of Real, the Ultra Surs are some of the worst racists in football. They not only slander African players but they also come down on South Americans as well. All you American supporters should take a look at what Abu Muqawama found in Iraq.
That's a militia member currently fighting with the Americans. He's wearing a Barca hat.
Abu Muqawama also picked up on the fact that the Iraqi kids being trained by al-Qaeda were wearing black Real Madrid away shirts.
That's enough for us. Spain and Real Madrid are against you. Think about that the next time you cheer a Arjen Robben dive.
They Get Younger And I Stay The Same Age
Don't be surprised when European soccer teams start getting nailed for cruising public soccer fields in ice cream trucks looking for kids. "Hi, want some candy?" This is getting ridiculous.
Chelsea recently recruited 5-year old Archie Oates from Belmont Youth FC. This beats out Manchester United's signing of 9-year old Rhian Davis.
I'd put money on Archie. Rhian can't even spell Ryan. Then again lack of intelligence never stopped Rio Ferdinand or Cashley Cole.
Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down Redux
The Big Show would like to have a word with Money Mayweather.
Check Please.
Video courtesy of MediaTakeout.com
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