You Are Who You Don't Think You Are

Eddy eat only good player on team. No want get better.

Somebody call the wahmbulance for Eddy Curry. He claims that he doesn't "fit in" with the Knicks. Apparently he's under the illusion that he doesn't suck. Somebody better let him know there's no other team for him. No one's going to help him realize his suck potential like Isiah. It's no good just being mediocre. If that's what Curry wanted, he should have gone to Philly.

Curry also claimed that he's not going to change who he is. At least he's committed himself to being a crap player.

Your Cluelessness Is Your Scarlet Letter

"I can't even look at you after this past week, whatever your name is."

I'll refrain from commenting too much on Spurs winning a tin cup for the first time in ... well forever. At least since the Thirty Years War. I'm not bitter or anything. I had a bad feeling about the Carling Cup final between Chelsea and Spurs on Sunday due to Chelsea's recent play.

Chelsea manager Avram Grant is starting to prove skeptics right as he was outcoached and outclassed yesterday by Spurs manager Juande Ramos. His tactics were questionable and that's being generous. He continues to get it wrong in terms of personnel decisions and adapting to changes and challenges during matches. It pains me to say it but Spurs deserved the win. One has to question if Grant really knows what the hell he's doing.

Somewhere Jose Mourinho and Steve Nash are laughing.

You Heard It Here First

Darren McFadden will be a Cincinnati Bengal this fall. How you ask? It's quite simple you see.

You're already aware that he loves fighting and somehow gets Escalades without getting nailed like an amateur such as Reggie Bush. Now you can add baby mama drama to the mix.

Teams at the NFL combine found out that not only is he the subject of a paternity suit but he already has two kids on the way. Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry agree that the Force is strong with this one.

However Henry also warned McFadden that he has a long way to go before he can touch Henry on and off the field. "Shit, dawg. I got nine kids with nine different mamas. He ain't even comin' close to that. I'll get worried when he gets to seven or eight."

No way the Bengals don't trade up to grab him.

Tennessee's Jordan Howell Is Feeling Sexy

The Vol's senior guard Jordan Howell can play the piano and sing...and is feeling sexy enough to tackle the mighty Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" like only a white kid from Alabama doing what sounds like a cover of Ben Folds Five covering Marvin Gaye can. He's even done a favor for us and stuck it up on Youtube for us all to watch and enjoy cringe. I'd say stick to basketball but he's averaging only 5.4 points a game so...um...yea, i hope he finishes up that degree in finance and gets a good job.

Straight Balla' stuff right there, so much so, he's even got his own fanclub on Facebook titled "Jordan Howell Usta be a bench warmin Screech look-a-like, now he's a BALLA!". Hilarious.

WTF?

No idea what is going on here

The English Love Their Kids

Not only will they sign 5 year old soccer players but now they have a 13 year old boy who will represent them in the 2008 Olympic Games. Tom Daley is going to be competing in the 10m Dive event for England, becoming the youngest kid ever to participate in the games for the country.

There has got to be some sorta built in advantage to being that young and doing a dive competition. I mean, he's like way lighter than all the other competitors, he'll be floating up there for ever doing his spins and tucks in mid air. His splash will have to be next to nothing going into the water since the kid looks like he weighs around 50lbs.

The Brits have the right idea, we Americans need to train a new legion of 8 year olds to compete in the Olympics against this kid. Its the only way we'll stay a national power.

From BBC Sport

Sometimes The Dumbest Bets Are the Best

In the UK a man wagered 1 dollar and won 2 million dollars. You have to love this story. This guy, who at present wishes to remain unknown, wagered the correct winner of 8 different races on the Friday horse races, he bet 1 dollar to win 2 million and hit the biggest parlay I've ever heard of. The first horse that won was named "Isn't That Lucky" and the last was "A Dream Come True". The best thing is, he didn't even know he won the next day because he was back at it on Saturday making more crazy parlays...where he didn't win a single won, losing $5.

I gotta start hitting the track more and trying this. Sure the odds are against you, but they have to be better than Powerball or Keno. Perhaps i'll try this when I go to Vegas in April. Ohhh yea.

From Yahoo Sports

What Would You Have If You Had Some Balls On Your Chin

Russell Westbrook let the PAC-10 know the answer in case they never heard The Chronic.



Unsilent linked this yesterday at Deadspin but we had to link it ourselves. Victim LeKendric Longmire is lucky that Russell didn't follow that up with some bukakke.

Cake: The New Killer

It's all fun and games until someone overdoes on cake. A cake eating contest in Birmingham, England has claimed the life of a man who was participating in the event to raise funds for an art exhibit. The cake that killed the man were fairy cakes, which are commonly known in America as cupcakes.

Yes you read that all right. Death by cupcakes. Yea, that is just not a dignified way to go there. Bloated from the ever expanding cake in the stomach, face covered in icing, your teeth and tongue stained from the coloring used to make the delicious treats look pretty, a glass of milk gets warm as your body gets colder...not the way I want to go at all. Truly tragic. Lets hope he won, although you can't have your cake and eat it too.

From BBC News

Constitutional Vol: "SUPER FLUSH"

Welcome to a long awaited Constitutional, brought to you by the Washington Nationals Super Flush of 2008. Check the links for more about that, but love this image from the Ballpark Guys forums. Also, for all you Nationals fans out there in DC, they're saying that Five Guys, Ben's Chili Bowl, Hard Times Cafe, Gifford's Ice Cream, Cantina Marina, Boardwalk Fries and others are set to open up outposts at the new stadium. That's fantastic news, I can't wait to see what other local foods I can get there in a couple months. Play ball...and welcome to the Constitutional.

• All you ever wanted to know about flushing 500 toilets at once in a baseball stadium. Washington Post
  


• These guys want to be the Nationals official beer. Washington Business Journal
  


• Hardcore ain't so hardcore anymore. Out of Left Field via With Malice
  


• Don't drink 50 Red Bulls a day, every day, or you will end up like this guy. Sports By Brooks
  


• Dropping a deuce at the Olympics will be tougher than you think. I love a good poo story. 100% Injury Rate @ FanIQ
  


• Mike Piazza had to sneak into a party...not a gay party, i repeat he did not attend a gay party. Sedano Show
  


• Sure Isiah, it was the trade deadline's fault. Scott Van Pelt Style
  


• Bruce Pearl does what every man wants to do, grab Erin Andrews. Awful Announcing
  


• American Gladiator's champ was a Blazers girl once...not quite as special as being a Lakers girl, but she's not trying to compete with J Lo or Paula Abdul, she could kick her ass. On 205th
  


• Creepy doll hung in effigy or just a boring video of a stuffed animal on a fan. You decide. SEC Football Blogger
  


• This guy is awesome. Luol's Dong
  


• The NBA Oscar Award goes to... JE Skeets @ Yahoo NBA Blog
  


• Oregon's basketball uniforms are kinda freaky. Mr. Irrelevant
  


• The greatest hamburger ever. Can't Stop The Bleeding
  

Joe Theismann Feels Your Pain

Arsenal's troubles continued today at St. Andrews where they drew 2-2 with Birmingham City. Their pain was increased by a horrific leg break inflicted on Crozilian (or Broatian if you prefer) striker Eduardo da Silva by Birmingham's Martin Taylor.


Lawrence Taylor does a couple lines and bows in Taylor's general direction.

When Showboating Goes Right

My name is Mustafa Redonkulous and I approve of this brawl.

Dude, we've tried nuthin' and we're fresh out of ideas.

Oh No You Don't

I won't stand for this. No way Elijah Dukes goes straight now. I am a Nats partial season ticket holder and I demand that the crazy continue. The Nats have Elijah, Da Meat Hook, Lastings Milledge and Paul Lo Duca on the same team and now they want to make everyone walk straight? Sheeeeeeit. I've paid too much money and invested too much hope in this potential train wreck. Just think of the potential Eastern Motors commericals that will never see the light of day. By Thor's Hammer, please don't take this away from us.

Arrrr, Matey. Here Be Your New Stadium

For some reason, the Devil Rays (yeah I know) have decided to stick with the ship theme for their new ballpark. 'Duk has posted a rendering of the new stadium along with links to other pics here.



As one commenter pointed out, wind and rain can go sideways. Just another example of the D-Rays cutting corners.

Expect the Bucs stadium to rape Scott Kazmir and pillage the D-Rays stadium shortly after it opens.

Random Photo of Horrific Violence: Motorcycle Fail

Let's hope this guy lived to fail again.

From: ToxicBlogs (few more pics there)

Lindsay Czarniak Is Big Time...Sorta

See that picture right there? Thats Lindsay Czarniak's caricature drawn up on the wall of the Palm restaurant in Washington DC. For those of you who don't know, that officially means you've "made it" here in town. I didn't know that Lindsay had "made it", but apparently she has because she is now on a wall full of DC power players, including Mr. Tony Kornheiser.

Unfortunately for Lindsay...they spelled her name wrong. This picture of the wall was snapped last year for the Washingtonian Magazine so hopefully, the good people of the Palm Restaurant have corrected this egregious error for our new favorite sports personality in town. Also of note...look close and you will see that the artist gave her a pearl necklace. Shame on you Palm, shame on you.

If it wasn't so damned expensive, we'd go in there tomorrow and check for ourselves to see if any of this is still there, but we're broke, so someone is going to have to pop in there and let us know if its still the same.

All those who don't live in DC do not get to see the lovely and talented Lindsay Czarniak on your television every night and that is a shame...but that also means that this little DC tidbit might mean absolutely nothing to you. So instead, here's a real picture of Lindsay for you to drool over you pervy bastards.
Ms Czarniak, we salute you and, at the very least, we hope you get your name changed on that wall.

New Technology Baffles Old Redskins

Mark Mosley, Charles Mann and Art Monk are amazed by those annoying über-geek people movers known as Segways. These guys look like they've never even seen one of these, let alone hopped on them to give them a spin. Its always personally crushing when the heroes of your youth look so old and feeble in the face of modern world. I...I think I heard Charles Mann giggle. I can't take this...I need to walk away for a bit.

Now You Can Settle Your Bets Like A Man

There's no cheating allowed with this sucker. The pro thumb wrestling ring gives you a professional way to settle all debts, by way of THUMB WAR! This little sucker prevents you from pulling the super deadly, "pointer finger sneak attack" maneuver an lets to and lets two thumbs battle it out, mano a mano...or really pulgar a pulgar. Yea, i know how to use an online dictionary.

Imagine the wars that could have been avoided if two world leaders could have duked it out with this? Hitler didn't stand a chance! Saddam's immobile beefy fingers had no chance with Bush's nimble, hook like digits! Thumb wrestling settles it all.

From Perpetual Kid

Proof That Spain and Real Madrid Hate Your Freedom

1. The Spanish Football Federation have fined Samuel Eto'o for singing anti-Real Madrid songs yet they continue to let their national manager Luis Aragones be a racist as well as tolerate the racist abuse of players by football fans including the Ultras of Real Madrid.

2. Speaking of Real, the Ultra Surs are some of the worst racists in football. They not only slander African players but they also come down on South Americans as well. All you American supporters should take a look at what Abu Muqawama found in Iraq.


That's a militia member currently fighting with the Americans. He's wearing a Barca hat.

Abu Muqawama also picked up on the fact that the Iraqi kids being trained by al-Qaeda were wearing black Real Madrid away shirts.

That's enough for us. Spain and Real Madrid are against you. Think about that the next time you cheer a Arjen Robben dive.

They Get Younger And I Stay The Same Age

Don't be surprised when European soccer teams start getting nailed for cruising public soccer fields in ice cream trucks looking for kids. "Hi, want some candy?" This is getting ridiculous.

Chelsea recently recruited 5-year old Archie Oates from Belmont Youth FC. This beats out Manchester United's signing of 9-year old Rhian Davis.

I'd put money on Archie. Rhian can't even spell Ryan. Then again lack of intelligence never stopped Rio Ferdinand or Cashley Cole.

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down Redux

The Big Show would like to have a word with Money Mayweather.



Check Please.


Video courtesy of MediaTakeout.com

The Only Way To Make Billiards Somewhat Exciting on TV

You've got to hand it to the Aussies, they have managed to make billiards at least somewhat bearable on television. They have this game called Savage Speedball, where it's one guy shooting all the balls into the pocket as quick as possible (yellow balls first, then the red one, then the white one) and hopefully getting it done faster than his other opponent and, in some events, in a lesser distance running around the table. It is pretty much, what we would call in the states, EXTREME Billiards.

On their TV broadcasts, they even have heart rate monitors hooked up to the players, keeping track of their stress levels, because hitting balls into holes and running around a bumperless bumper-pool table gets the heart rate up pretty high for these loafs and they don't want anyone keeling over from the excitement. Now, I think they should be going simultaneously, but apparently they think this would be WAY too much action at once. Here's another Savage Speedball site with a nifty theme song that will blow you away.

Watch the scintillating action for yourself:

Extreme Jelly Beans

You know the end of times is upon us when Jelly Belly is hopping into the sports energy world of products. Jelly Belly has created the Extreme Sports Beans, which are caffeinated jelly beans "enhanced" with Vitamins B and C, carbohydrates and electrolytes. Ye Gods.

The Jelly Belly company even has a study by UC Davis that says that their beans are just as effective as sports drinks and gels in maintaining blood sugar levels and improving exercise performance. If you don't want that caffeine, you can just shoot for the regular Sports Beans, which are caffeine free and come in more flavors while still providing all the other bean enhancements. So, instead of cracking open that Gatorade, just chew up a package and a half of those tasty little jelly beans and kick some ass!

This isn't the end of these suped-up candies either. A Seattle PI reporter has found that there are now a ton of these products out on the market:

Last month, Mars Inc. introduced Snickers Charged, a version of the candy bar with a cup-of-coffee's worth of caffeine, plus B vitamins and amino acids, ingredients typically found in energy drinks. Jelly Belly Candy Co. has come out with Extreme Sport Beans, which are caffeinated and contain electrolytes, compounds beneficial for hydration, while Hershey Co. has launched caffeine-enhanced Ice Breakers Energy mints. Along with Jolt mints and gum, Buzz Bites, Foosh Mints, Crackheads chocolate-covered espresso beans and several others, these products make up a burgeoning "energy candy" category.

As if kids today aren't hyper-active enough, they now have these candies readily available to them to ramp up the ADHD to new, as of yet, unexplored levels. There is no way that any of these things are all that tasty, at least not as tasty as their less EXTREME original counterparts. Like I said before, the end of times are near...is nothing sacred?

Random Video of Horrific Violence: OH MY GOD NO

So this is a pretty disturbing edition of random video of horrific violence. Not that most aren't disturbing, but this one is just bad, not purely for the visual, but for the utterly horrifying guttural howls and moans this injured B.A.S.E. jumper belts out when his chute fails and he crashes to the ground. The sound is pretty NSFW unless you turn the volume down, not because of swear words or anything, there are no words, its just some of the worst sounds a human being can ever make.

Fox Let TO Get Called The N Word

This video is a month old, but we've never seen it, apparently on a Fox News show called "The Overtime" the producers of the show let a caller get away with calling Terrell Owens a "nigger" on live tv...even though they could have used a delay to bleep it out. Gotta love to hate Fox news huh? I'm not even sure what the caller is actually saying other than the N word flying in there. TO is a lot of things, but no one should ever dare call him that...well maybe unless you're his boy, then its probably ok. This video here is a bit dramatic, but you still get to hear what happened, let the comments fly in...

Who Deposed Who In The What Now?

Yo, I'll drop the suit, Reggie! The depositions keep callin' me, man!

This Reggie Bush business keeps getting darker and stranger by the day and we're not talking about him being a bust compared to Mario Williams or dating a tranny.

New Era Sports co-founder Lloyd Lake was scheduled to be deposed yesterday in regards to his lawsuit against Reggie Bush alleging non-payment for money and gifts given to Bush starting in high school and continuing through his entire college tenure. If the allegations are proved to be true, Bush could lose his Heisman and USC could lose the wins and national title earned while Bush was on the team.

Bush denies the allegations and claims that Lake shouldn't be believed because he's a convicted felon. If that's the case, why would someone show up unannounced to Lake's deposition with a gun?

Charles Robinson and Jason Cole of Yahoo Sports report that Lake's deposition didn't take place due to the presence of an armed man who came with Bush's attorneys, David Cornwell and Kevin Leichter. The attorneys "refused to reveal why the man was present".

"All Cornwell said was that this guy was working for the law firm of David Cornwell and that he has a CCW (carrying concealed weapon) permit," Watkins [Lake's attorney] said. "The guy sat with his arms folded the whole time, staring at Lloyd. Then he opened up his jacket and you could see that he had a gun on him. I asked (Bush's attorneys) to identify him, and they refused to even tell me his name. Then after going back and forth about it, they told me his name, but wouldn't tell me who he was working for or why he was there. I wanted a business card or something that explained who this guy was."

Watkins said the man followed Lake in "an intimidating manner" almost immediately after Lake arrived for the deposition ... After following Lake, the man sat down in the area where the deposition was to take place. Watkins said the man didn't identify himself, and instead stared at Lake before eventually opening his jacket to reveal a handgun. At that point, Watkins said he asked that the man leave.

Watkins said he halted the proceedings when the armed man moved "only eight to 10 feet away" from where the deposition was set to take place

Robinson and Cole also report that Cornwell, who is also employed as an ESPN analyst, told ESPN said he was advised to take precautions in Lake's presence.


We're just going to assume that Reggie's innocent so he decided to "persuade" Lake that this is a frivolous lawsuit by proxy. He'd be better off trying to steal the tapes of conversations between Lake and Bush's father. The tapes played on Real Sports have Bush's father promising that Reggie will pay Lake back on several occasions. Anyway, Bush has top notch representation and they wouldn't allow him to put himself in a compromising situation as seen below in an excerpt from an ESPN chat on Ookie's fate.

David Cornwell: That is a great point, Adam. Hopefully other young men, whether they play sports or not, will learn from Michael's experience that bad choices inevitably lead to bad consequences. Michael had incredible opportunities because of his athletic ability and rather than embrace the opportunity he embraced risky behavior that not only cost him the opportunities but also cost him his freedom.

Charlie Casserly's looking smarter by the day.

Shaka Zulu, Muthaf--ka!!

You cookin' with Coolio?

Do You Have Any Idea How F--cking Busy I Am

North Korea is a country on the move and in a hurry to get wherever the hell it's going. It's probably somewhere near inefficiency and famine.

Apparently the North Koreans don't have time to come up with an anthem or sew a flag. A minor diplomatic tiff has broken out over a World Cup qualifier between North and South Korea. The North wants to use a joint anthem and flag while the South prefers that each country use their own flag and anthem. You know a country's broke when they have to borrow an anthem and flag.

Empire Building With Jim Fassel

Did you know that if you're an empire, you create your own reality when you act? That's a little nugget from the Bush administration courtesy of The One Percent Doctrine. Jim Fassel's taken that to heart and decided to do the reverse and create an empire by creating his own reality on talk radio.

Fassel spoke to Mike and the Mad Dog on WFAN and explained why he's been unable to get a head coaching job.

"My biggest mistake was going to Baltimore," Fassel said. "That was the biggest mistake. I don’t think I needed to do that and when I went there and it was such a mess and got caught up in all that stuff..."

Now keep in mind the Ravens ended the season 13-3 and were 4-2 at the point he was fired by his BFF in 2006. Yes, the Ravens got much better when he left.

"I can’t tell you how many people have told me if you’d have just stayed out and done TV and radio and that stuff, it would have changed the whole perception of you," Fassel said.

That's it. The perception of Fassel had nothing to do with his relentless pursuit of a head coaching job during the season when he should have been focused on his job. It also had nothing to do with his lazy reputation among players and the front office.

Fassel's so good that Dan Snyder let him put together a coaching staff ... and then hired a guy who along with everyone else couldn't believe he got the job.

Fassel was supposed to be a slam dunk for the job once Giants defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo returned to New York last week. After all, he helped put together the team's staff -- including the choice of Zorn as offensive coordinator -- and, according to Fassel, he had started to talk about a contract.

"I wasn't looking for just anything," Fassel, head coach of the Giants from 1997-2003, said Saturday night. "I was looking for the right fit, and I thought this was the right fit because I knew Dan (owner Dan Snyder). It's a long, twisted story."

If Fassel "knew Dan", he should have known what he needed to do to get the job. Why do you think Vinny Cerrato gets stronger while the rest fall off like Paperboy?

Looks like Paul Bremer finally has a soulmate. Crown his ass!

Full Court Shots Rock

I love a good full court basketball shot, this one is so impressive, it almost looks fake. Hella lucky basket.

Rick Riley Turns 50...Cannot Sing

Fresh off the heels of his new multi-million dollar contract with ESPN, Rick Riley just threw himself a 50th birthday bash complete with karaoke, unfortunately for Riley, he cannot sing karaoke.

...Reilly may have topped [Elway's steakhouse co-owner Tim] Schmidt in the ear-splitting category with his rendition of Me and Bobby McGee. "This is a little something I wrote with Kris Kristofferson," he joked.

"He sounds like he's losing his voice," one woman said. "That would be a good thing," her friend offered.

The party was held at Lannie's Clocktower Cabaret in Denver and its good to know that Riley and his friends, like Elway pictured above, are spending all that hard earned cash with style. Doesn't Riley look like he's enjoying himself there? He'd better just remember, easy come, easy go...just ask Spree. In any case, happy birthday Rick Riley, you signed a deal with the devil, might as well enjoy the party while it's hot.

Photo by Bradley Joseph via Rocky Mountain News

Sheeeeeit! Welcome To Bawlmer

"Meanwhile, Jones continues to seek out more information on the city he will call home during the baseball season. When word came out that the six-player deal was finally completed, Jones fielded a call from one of his brothers, who suggested that he start watching The Wire, the HBO police drama set in Baltimore."

Quote from Meet Mr. Jones: The Heart of the Deal by Jeff Zribiec, Baltimore Sun 2/11/08.

Boris Becker Has A Skyscraper?

Thats right, Boris Becker has a skyscraper, well he at least has one named after him. Down in Dubai there is a real estate development called the Sports Legends Trilogy which will have 3 towers all with athletes names lent to them. Michael Shumacher already has one building named after him, a 29 story tower called "Michael Shumacher Business Avenue", but Becker's new building named "Boris Becker Business Tower" is opening later this month as the final phase of the project.

Ok, so how bad ass is that? As much as we talk about Tiger and Lebron and MJ having it all, none of those cats have people who want to put their names on skyscrapers. I don't know if we'll ever see the day we have a Lebron Heights, Jordan Towers or Marbury Row. You know you have clout if you can be rollin' with the Trumps or the Carnegie's...granted they built those buildings themselves, but still, pretty darn neat.

Bloggers Now Can Lose Weight While Working

Now us bloggers have no excuse to have extra pounds. Some intrepid dude has come up with the Tread Desk. Thats right, its a desk that can lift up so you can work while you are walking or running right in front of it. Genius right? The bane of your existence? True as well. Going to burn a hole in your pocket if you wish to purchase it? You betcha! It can run up to 4000 bucks to get yourself a complete set up if you want to do it up all fancy, but it looks like you can be good to go with a $2000 outlay. In reality, the money you spend on this probably would be made up in the fact that you're actually active and burning some calories making you much healthier.

Sure there are plenty of us sports bloggers that could probably stand to lose some pounds. I'd love to drop a solid dime in weight. I can also think of a few head coaches that could use this during the week while they're preparing their game plans.
Yea, definitely Friedgen

Oh yea, Mangino too

Do not forget Weis in this...eh you get the point.

From Tread Desk

Random Video of Horrific Violence: EPIC FACEPLANT

We at the Deuce love some face plants, i mean look at that picture, that is pure awesome. There is nothing more cringe inducing than a solid face plant. This clip here is of a wrestler, who does not intend to give us glorious face plant footage, but he did and we thank him for mistiming his jump and landing his face on some stairs. The only thing that'd make it better is a nice, slow motion replay of it, but i just watched it seven times in a row and that helped to make up for it.

NEW T-SHIRTS!

In a nod to the Wizznutzz and their distinctive styles of t-shirts, the Deuce has gone ahead and created what is sure to be a sensation for Washington Nationals fans across the globe. Enjoy the 4 troublemakers and Jesus shirt, available in blue or red. Don't forget about the Elijah Dukes "You Dead Dawg" t-shirt as well. With pitchers and catchers reporting, you should get your baseball gear now!

Also we have the ZORN!!! t-shirt with the image below on a black t, for ladies and men.

Visit Deuce of Davenport Apparel by clicking on the image above or right here

Redskins Achieve Consistency, Hire From Within

Ok, so that is not a totally accurate statement. While they did promote D-line coach Greg Blache to the Defensive Coordinator position, the Redskins did the unthinkable on Saturday by promoting their newly hired (like, not even 2 weeks) Offensive Coordinator, Jim Zorn, to the position of the Head Coach of the Washington Redskins.

Mustafa did a great post this weekend on this topic, and many others have posted their own takes, so, being a Redskins fan, and a pretty die-hard one, I figure I might as well put in my two cents on this decision.

I heard about the hiring of Jim Zorn while drinking a tasty Strongbow (official beverage of the Deuce of Davenport) at the always fun Atomic Billiards in Washington DC and my reaction was shock, anger, sadness and disgust all at once. My girlfriend thought someone had died in my family, I started to tell her the news, and she quickly lost interest right about when I said "The Redskins...". So I decided to share my news with the bartenders and patrons around me. As a whole, the reaction from everyone at the bar was shock, anger, sadness and disgust all at once, just like me. I wasn't alone.

Soon thereafter, Trapper John entered the establishment, he being a Buffalo Bills fan I thought he would enjoy mocking the Redskins decision if only because his team is coached by Dick Jauron and anyone the Redskins hire is going to actually be worse than Dick. I told him the news and indeed his comment was "Hah! That's it, that's all I have to say. Hah!" After this, text messages came in from all over. A friend of mine from Seattle has not stopped texting me the same message of "HAHAHAHAHAHA!" for now going on 24 hours. Mustafa was texting me the same as well. My father is giving me the silent treatment after I texted my mom the news to break to him. He is getting old and surely didn't want to hear this was going to be the Redskins' head coach for around 3 more years. There's only so much a man can take.

After a day of getting mocked and processing my own emotions I have come to this conclusion... Maybe it's not so bad? He will be the most driven coach we have ever had because he actually has something to prove. This is not to say the other coaches weren't "driven", Schotty is always driven, but he's been there and done that before, Spurrier was done once he got his multi-million dollar payday, Gibbs didn't have anything to prove because he could always fall back on the whole, "I won you 3 Super Bowls" thing, but Zorn, he has to succeed, or he might not get another chance at this. He has got the most to prove out of any coach we've had here since Norv was hired...but lets not think about him...

Andy Reid worked out ok with the same level of coaching experience, same with Shanahan, and I cannot honestly say I wanted Fassel or Mariucci as coaches here. Ron Meeks would have been a solid hire in my mind, but that would mean they'd have to fire Greg Blache, and they only promote after 2 weeks, they don't fire after 2 weeks. Really, is there anyone else that they could have hired at this point that actually could be a good hire? I somehow think this is actually the best they can get, and while sad, at least he's got low expectations to start unlike the other coaches who were supposed to lead the Redskins to the promise land.

So while unorthodox, very very unorthodox, some would say unprofessional ( I certainly would), I am not sure if it is really a bad move at this point. It is a really poorly handled move and I think if they had to somehow salvage this bungled, crock of shit, mess of a debacle of a head coaching search...this might be the best way to do it.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Zednik's Throat Slashed

When skating on ice with really sharp blades, its always a danger in the NHL that someone is going to get cut. It rarely happens that someone gets their carotid artery sliced. Here's the video of Richard Zednik getting his throat cut open, hitting that major artery, and the blood that gushed on the ice. The scared look on Zednik's face says it all.

(AP Photo/Don Heupel)

Tecmo Bowl Replay of Giants Final Drive

Tecmo bowl will never leave us, ever. These guys have whipped up a Tecmo Bowl representation of the last 2 plays that really counted from the Giants Super Bowl win. We've got Eli & David Tyree's "The Play" or "The Escape" or "The Catch II" or whatever you want to call it, as well as Plaxico's touchdown catch to give the Giants the win. All set, beautifully, to a Radiohead soundtrack. Well done peoples. You deserve an award. Not from us, but from someone that actually makes money off their website.

Erik Bedard Throws The O's Under The Bus, Hon

"With Baltimore, it seems like you were backwards. When I first got there, they were signing players and trying to compete with Boston and New York. Then it went downhill. I'm glad to be here."
-- Seattle Mariner Erik Bedard

No matter how Rick Maese tries to spin it, Bedard's right. The Orioles have been going backwards since 1998. By no means does trading him to the Mariners mean the team is out of the woods but it's a hopeful first step. Adam Jones is a great pickup and Orioles manager Dave Trembley has already told George Sherrill that he wants him to be the closer this season.

Orioles fans, including myself, are surprised and strangely relieved that the deal was successful. We suck again and that's a good thing. Hopefully this is a sign that GM Andy MacPhail will be allowed to go about his job and rebuild the team. Besides Jones and Sherrill, the Orioles picked up three pitching prospects in addition to the prospects received in the Miguel Tejada trade.

After trading Bedard and Tejada, Brian Roberts is next up on the block if the rumors are correct. Owner Peter Angelos is a strong supporter of Roberts and has been reluctant to let him go in spite of the Cubs wanting to feel the fiber of his fabric. Even if the Orioles trade Roberts for value, the fact still remains that the organization has wasted over ten years and millions of dollars for 4th place finishes. If that's not going backwards, I don't know what is. Baltimore's already the city that bleeds. It's got to stop somewhere.

I Award You No Points And May God Have Mercy On Your Soul

I went to a football game and a donkey show broke out. Wow. What can you say about the debacle that is the Washington Redskins? If you're Vinny Cerrato, you say "Who done what in the who?" and grab Mr. Dan another POM. If you're a Redskins fan, you're probably praying for the return of Jack Kent Cooke. I think they'd almost take George Preston Marshall back at this rate, racism and everything.

It appears the Redskins coaching search has finally ended. The Washington Post is reporting that newly hired offensive coordinator Jim Zorn has been promoted to head coach.

"We're proud that our search was diligent, thorough, and resulted in today's announcement," Snyder said in a statement. "Jim's track record and reputation as a player, great teacher, and as a coach makes us confident that they will translate to success for the Redskins."

Ironically, Fassell and Williams both told the Redskins that Zorn would be their top choice to be offensive coordinator if they got the head coaching job, sources said.

It would be next to impossible to name all the candidates Dan Snyder has run through so we'll let BradyFan83 do it for us.



Snyder has turned the Skins into a laughingstock. He's run through coaching candidates like Travis Henry through baby mamas and come out looking like an ass. Everyone's turned him down except Jim Fassel who apparently can't get a job if his life depended on it. Maybe he shouldn't have blown off the job given to him by his best friend.

Spagnuolo withdrew on Wednesday. Of the remaining candidates, Fassel was the only one to get a phone call that day from the Redskins reiterating their interest and telling him to expect further contact, league sources said. On Thursday, none of the candidates was contacted, according to league sources, but observers at Redskins Park began to notice that Zorn was not at the facility as often as expected and had begun spending more time with Snyder and vice president for football operations Vinny Cerrato, leading some in the organization to believe he was now interviewing to become the head coach.

Bt yesterday, negotiations with Zorn intensified and that evening one of Snyder's planes was sent to Seattle to pick up Zorn's family. The Redskins also contacted Fassell yesterday, telling him further communication would be coming today, league sources said.

Did Snyder really think that he would get a top coach when he hired the rest of the staff first? Sally Jenkins laid it out for anyone considering the job. Who would work for Dan Snyder unless they were desperate or were new to the coaching game? No big name coach in his right mind would work for him.

Snyder doesn't just want a head coach. He wants a yes man and apparently it will be Jim Zorn. I'm not implying that Zorn is a poor choice or that he won't be a good coach but one has to wonder how long of a leash he'll have. Norville was fired midseason with a winning record. Marty was canned after taking the Skins to the playoffs.

Snyder's done nothing to show that he stands by his coaches or players except in the aftermath of the Sean Taylor murder. It shouldn't take a death to make an owner show some competence and reliability.

This search has exposed to the country to what Redskins fans have known for a long time. When it comes to football decisions, Dan Snyder doesn't know his head from his ass.

Best of luck to Jim Zorn. He's going to need it.

Just Say What?

Rappin' Kurt Rambis? Fucking brilliant. The shorts really do make the man.

Byron Scott should reprise his performance for the 30 people in the New Orleans Arena. Not like anyone's watching the game anyway. AC Green should have gone solo and made another "Just Say No" video.

Apparently Diego Maradona didn't watch the video and look what happened.



Diego Maradona don't need no stinkin' Lakers.

When The Hair Dryer Treatment Goes Wrong

Talk about a thankless job. You're damned if you don't and you're damned if you d....nah that won't happen. England played their first match under the reign of "Don" Fabio Capello as they took on Switzerland in a friendly this past Wednesday. What do you know? Same old England.

The game has been analyzed backwards and forwards although it's not clear why pundits and fans wasted their time. It's simple. They're not as good as they think they are. If this is going to work, it's going to take time. Let Ollie from Who Ate All The Pies tell you what else went wrong on Wednesday night.

England players are soon going to learn what happens when you cross Don Fabio. Someone stole the "top of the line" hairdryer he had installed in his private Wembley changing room. Someone on the squad must think wet hair is his Achilles or that he can't give the hair dryer treatment without the use of a hair dryer.

A source told the Mirror: "The England manager has his own dressing room next to the players' one. After Fabio got the England job he asked for a hairdryer to be put in there for his sole use.

"We thought it was a bit strange but he's the boss and we got a top-of-the-range dryer. Everything went smoothly on Wednesday and Fabio seemed happy when he left.

But it wasn't until the next day we noticed the hairdryer had disappeared.

"Everyone is terrified about what he is going to say when he finds out it's missing."

"Goldenballs, Goldenballs. What have I ever done to make you to treat me so disrespectfully? If you had come to me in friendship then this scum that stole my hair dryer would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies then they would become my enemies. And then, they would fear you."

Can you really be scared of an angry Italian? One from Staten Island or Jersey, yes. One straight from the mother...sorry, mutha? Not so much. You look at Mussolini and wonder how anyone could have feared him. As Eddie Izzard pointed out, they made for shit fascists.

"Italy invented fascism in 1922. Mussolini said, 'Right, we're all fascists!' but most Italian people are always on scooters going, 'Ciao!' And they're into football, and life, and they're not fascists, you know? He said, 'We're all fascists!' 'All right, ciao!' No helmet on... (imitates scooter running). All those 50s films, like 'Roman Holiday', it's just like that! Everyone's just cool and hangs out."


**You're missing out if you haven't seen Eddie Izzard's Dressed To Kill yet. Go here to check it out.

This Was An Elevation Elevation

Expect a whole lot of YouTubes this weekend because we're lazy. You should be happy you're getting anything from us this weekend. Enjoy Patrick Ewing and Spike Lee getting bitched. Even when the Knicks were good, they still sucked it.



Here's an added bonus. One of the greatest sports theme songs. Don't front like you didn't love it. The Technotronic is on us.

Finally Something To Replace The NHL

Can Alexander Ovechkin eat 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes? Hell naw. Can Sidney Crosby eat 241 chicken wings? Sheeeeeeeit. They better step off like grandpa. They may earn the big bucks and play who knows when on Versus if you can find it but they have nothing when it comes to competitive eating. When was the last time hockey was on ESPN??

The next step in the competitive eating takeover has commenced with the release of Major League Eating: The Game. The game features competitive eaters such as Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi. Can you say you were there when Kobayashi ate 54 hot dogs in 12 minutes at Coney Island? I can and now you can too.

Mastiff brings you Major League Eating: The Game, featuring competitive eaters like Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut. Master an offensive and defensive arsenal and become an eating champion.

The game brings you American heroes you can support like Chestnut and the Sonya "Black Widow" Thomas. No long do you have to support players named Satan, freedom lovers! No more compromising your principles by supporting pinkos who happen to wear your team's colors. No more having to take crap from America Jr. about being better in the game even though they can't remember the last time the Stanley Cup went north of the border.

It also has an international appeal. Did you know Chestnut also holds the gyoza world record? 212 gyoza. That's chicken and vegetable. Screw Godzilla. Japan better fear Jaws. Now that's mandible destiny, my friends.

Andre Bikey's A New School Fool

What the hell is wrong with Cameroon's Andre Bikey? You have to see this to believe it.



Here's a better view without sound. The foul happened in the 90th minute and now he's ruled out of Sunday's ACN final against Egpyt.

Oh did we forget to mention that the medic was helping an injured Cameroon player? That would be a teammate of Bikey's. Apparently he doesn't believe in that new medicine. He's like school on a Saturday. No class.

Look Ma, I Wash For Supper

Look Ma, no HIV! Tommy Morrison's pretty selfish for not sharing his cure for HIV. I'm sure it involved some rum, chicken bones and a guy who calls himself Screwface. "Screwface give a thousand deaths worse than you!" I'm sure he's cured. If he's not, he's going to spread some disease all over Leon, Mexico.

Morrison is going to fight in his second bout after being miraculously cured on the undercard of the Julio Cesar Chavez Jr.-Jose Celaya fight. He's fighting some fool named Matt Weishaar from Kansas. The fight before them is between Juan Marichal's cock and Little Jerry.

Promoter Bob Arum claims ignorance of Morrison's addition to the fight.

"The fight happens to be in Mexico. It's not like we're doing the fight with Morrison to circumvent the rules," Arum said. "If the fans want to see it, let 'em do it. If you were going to watch the show, as I would to see this kid [Chavez] in his development against Celaya, who is a step up, I think that's worthwhile doing. That's why I am doing the show. But anyone who wasn't going to buy it and now you decide to buy it just to see Tommy Morrison, you're out of your mind."

Sure whatever you say, guy.

Parkour Turns Soccer Up To 11

This is a pretty crazy video of some Parkour guys doing some impressive soccer kicks and goals...off of buildings and bridges. Sick. Although I can certainly see some CGI in there so i'm not 100% sure what the hell is real and what isn't in it. But it is a fun watch. Perfect for a nice slow day, I dont feel like opining on Shaq or Bobby Knight like everyone else.

Holy Crap! Blacks Playing Hockey?

I had no idea there was a Black hockey league at one time called the Colored Hockey League of the Maritimes. Seems that from 1895-1925 this league existed and consisted of the sons and grandsons of runaway slaves from the U.S.. The league itself was pretty innovative, like they apparently were the first ones to allow the slap shot and created a more offensive, wide open style of play.

If you wanna learn more about it, check out this site I found George & Darril Fosty's Black Ice there's some interesting materials there and they are even making a documentary about it all, here's their promo, complete with John Tesh like super cheesy music, Ken Burns they are not:

Black Ice via AAEB

National Poo

Baseball season is coming...FOR ME TO POOP ON!

Euro 2008 Gets Shaggy

The theme song for Euro 2008 was recently released and for a soccer theme song, its really not that bad although I'm not sure why a sporting event actually needs a theme song. What is bad is the computer animated kids who must be some sorta Euro 2008 mascot thing or something. They are annoying beyond belief. Its got Shaggy warbling in his pseudo reggaeton style, on a side note, who the hell thought he would have a career longer than Bombastic and It Wasn't Me? I mean, that was one crap song and he's somehow held on and made an acual music career with subsequent "hits". Still amazes me. Anyway, if you're interested, here you go

Eli Won The MVP But...

(AP Photo/Gene Puskar)

David Tyree is the real hero in this game. That jump ball catch, on 3rd and 5 with less than 1:15, to go, thrown by a scrambling for his life Eli Manning and caught on his head with Rodney Harrison draped all over him was one of the best moments in Super Bowl history. That play set up, what proved to be, the winning touchdown of the game just four players later with the Giants beating the Patriots 17-14. That says nothing of him catching the first touchdown pass of the game for the Giants and giving them a 10-7 lead. He played one great game but that catch will be remembered with some of the all time great plays of Super Bowls.

The video of it (while it's up) is below, but here's the quotes from some Giants and Patriots players, one coach and a brother that sums the catch all up:

"David Tyree, that's all you have to say." It was just a great catch by David Tyree. I found a way to get loose and just really threw it up. He made an unbelievable catch and saved the game." - Eli Manning
"Unbelievable, in Friday's practice, he was dropping everything." - Amani Toomer
"I don't know that there's ever been a bigger play in the Super Bowl than that play." - Tom Coughlin
"He made a hell of a play." - Asante Samuel
"Eli's pass to Tyree, I think, was one of the greatest plays of all time. You always see Swann's catch." Peyton Manning

Here's the video:

Excuse Me, Sir. Are You Choking?

Manning to Tyree was probably one of the greatest plays in Super Bowl history but we shouldn't forget the soldiers patroling the sidelines. Jared Lorenzen (a.k.a Hefty Lefty or Quarter Got Back) was one of the more interesting side plots to the night's event. He seemed to get redder as the game went on. It was as though he had a gordita stuck in his throat.

Robeast was wondering if Gatorade made him a special turkey gravy flavored mix for the Super Bowl. It looks as though he's doing his best to get bigger. We encourage him to keep up the good work. Here's hoping he dumps turkey gravy on his head at the parade tomorrow. Super Tuesday indeed.

Spike Lee Loves Some Giants Football

No one ever accused Spike Lee of being a bandwagon jumper, Lord knows we've all seen him on the sidelines of the train wreck that is the New York Knicks, but who knew he was a Giants fan? I dunno if I've ever seen him rock the Giants gear. By the way, who let him on the field? Does he own a part of the team, because fans do not belong on the field, right?

(Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

Constitutional Vol. "Giants Win, Patriots Not Perfect"

Tremendous game last night, one of the best Super Bowls I have ever watched that did not have the Washington Redskins in it. Great defense, timely offense, and the underdog beat the big bad, previously undeafeated bully. Sadly, football season is now over. What is it like 2 weeks until pitchers and catchers report? Crap, this is gonna be a tough stretch of blogging. Here's some other news you might've missed while watching the big game. Welcome to the Constitutional:

• What Happens to the NFL Super Bowl losers gear. Walker Economics Blog
  


• Who cares what Mercury Morris thinks? Sure they didnt go undefeated, still won more games than the Dolphins. But here's what he says here. Fan IQ Blog
  


• Will Leitch defending the racial jokes in his new book on NPR. NPR.org
  


• Dikta picked it right. Luol's Dong
  


• The ladies... Super Bowl spread makes me drool, but they didnt have a meat house! Ladies Dot Dot Dot
  


• Congressional Steroid Hearing Updates. Steroid Nation
  


• Home Shopping Network got the score wrong. Sports by Brooks
  


• A good breakdown of Pau Gasol now playing for the Lakers. With-Malice
  


• It took awhile for the Giants to burn the Patriots...but it can be done as shown here in this weak attempt at effigy. We Are The Postmen
  


• What I wish I could've written about this Super Bowl. The Sporting Blog
  


• Top 5 Super Bowl commercials. For my dollar, the Tide Stain should have been #1. Yahoo NFL Blog
  


• This is, of course, one of my favorite Super Bowls right here. East Coast Bias
  


• Finally, do Super Bowl ads really work? PR Blog Guy
  

Sheeeeeeeit, It's About Time

Clay Davis may be Bawlmer through and through but even he has to respect Art Monk. He was finally admitted to the NFL Hall of Fame along with Darrell Green after eight years of waiting. He's Washington's Nelson Mandela. Give us free!!

Maybe that's a bit much but Redskins fans including Chimp Rage must be thrilled that he's finally got his due. Now let's see about Timmy Smith and Heath Shuler.

Germany's Feeling A Bit Caliente These Days

The Jews must be thrilled that the Germans seem to be moving their attention away from the chosen people. I'll tell you who's not thrilled. Mexico.

This isn't sports-related but it's a great story. A diplomatic rift is growing between Germania and Mexico over a song. One would think Deutscheland Uber Alles would be enough to make people nervous but ze Germans have gone one step further and started attacking other countries individually through song. Finger Im Po, Mexico (translated as Finger In The Butt, Mexico) has become a hit in Germany and La Raza are not happy.



Mexican Ambassador to Germany Jorge Castro-Valle Kuehne has written a letter of protest to the song's publisher EMI.

"As I'm sure you can understand, the lyric has aroused great outrage among the members of the Mexican community living in Germany, who have a right to be angry that Mexico's name is being used in this kind of disrespectful and disgusting way."

The song was written and is performed by 34-year-old German entertainer Mickie Krause, who made his breakthrough performing works such as "Go Home, You Old Shit" and "10 Naked Hairdressers."

Krause told [German newspaper] Bild that the song had to be taken with a sense of humor. "On stage, I also sing the lyric 'Finger in the vagina, Bosnia-Herzegovina,'" he added. "And nobody has gotten worked up about that."

Just wait until Finger in the Anus, Cyprus or Finger in the Pussy, Central African Republic. Major wars have started over lesser issues.

Thanks to Glendon over at Football Roundtable for the tip.

Nobody Likes Ramming Any More Than Me

At first I thought this David Lee Roth video was the greatest thing I've seen or heard all year until this pièce de résistance. All the Zubaz in the world can't help Cory and the Fins now.



Did I just see an attempt at the wop along with more pelvic thrusting than you can shake a dick at? I feel so violated. It's like Eric Dickerson rammed me without permission.

Update: Deadspin had this linked way earlier in January, my bad Unsilent!

Super Bowl Means EAT MORE MEAT!

With the Super Bowl on Sunday you are sure to be a part of some big fancy party with all sorts of appetizers and wings and assorted meats of many kinds to go with the tasty frothy beverages of your choice. Well, the Deuce loves itself some meat, so we're here to help you out with some fine meat dishes that you might want to cook for your Super Bowl party.

1) The Meat House:
Yea, look at this thing in all its glory. Get the instructions on how to do it here, along with a bunch of tasty pictures of the construction. Know that it contains 20 sausages, 12 strips of bacon and 1 package of sausage meat. Mmmmm delicious. Do not forget to eat several packages of Tums afterwards or your stomach might very well explode

2) The Bacon Burger
Yea, that is a deep fried burger made up entirely of ground bacon. Serve with deep fried jalapenos and you are on your way, kid. Get instructions on making the burger here, and remember you'll need 1 pound of bacon stuffed with cheese and topped with more cheese to make this delicious meal. Mmmmm, a Mike Wilbon like heart attack awaits you soon after...oh, too soon?

3) Ultimate Jerky Sampler
This is a beauty, every smart man loves some excellent jerky, well now is your chance to eat some exotic jerky! In this set you get 4 oz Buffalo Jerky, 4 oz Venison Jerky, 4 oz Ostrich jerky, Elk Sticks, Buffalo Sticks and Alligator sticks. Order it up here, might not make it for the Super Bowl on Sunday, but rejoice in knowing that soon you will get all sorts of fancy jerky for the NCAA tournament. Oh wait, jerky lasts forever, save it for the super bowl next year! And send us some free samples if you're reading this guys!

4) Burger In A Can
Look at the canned burger in all of it's glory. Order it here, watch it being made and eaten here, vomit in a trash can in your own home. If you're tailgating though, this is a perfect "in case of emergency pop the top" burger. All you need is a fire and a pot of boiling water and you will have yourself a burger! Surprisingly, its not too bad...not too good either.

5) Bacon Vodka
What better to wash down your meaty meals than a few shots of Bacon infused vodka? Get the recipe here and drink it down to your own destruction at your Super Bowl party on Sunday. I cannot think of a better way to drink myself into oblivion than drinking and tasting bacon the entire time. There should be more baconated beverages out there. I want bacon beer dammit!

6. Bacon Cheeseburger Cake
Finally, a non meat product, but it sure looks like meat. Its just one gigantic cake. The recipe is here, and you can definitely have this ready for the super bowl. Nothin says lovin' like a gigantic bacon cheeseburger cake in the oven. Hells yea.

HS Girl Dunkin' All Over You

Brittney Griner is 6'8 and can dunk the ball like pretty much any 6'8 guy can. If there ever was a girl that could play in the NBA, its certainly her, i say that not because she can dunk but because she's kinda manly. She sounds like a dude and has Kevin Garnett's body, to put it bluntly, but man can she dunk. Yea, that's mean and I know she's a high school girl, but she'll face way worse when she's playing at Baylor next year. Toughen up. Anyway, have a look.

Super Bowl Logos Over The Years

Here's a picture of all the past Super Bowl logos going up until last year. Nothing really remarkable about it, not nearly as craptacular as all the past Olympic logos, the NFL really has their logo-making down pat. Just found it neat to look back at the many, quite similar logos of the Super Bowl. My favorite is Super Bowl XII, looks like a Tecmo Bowl logo or something.

Yet Another New Sport: Combaton

In the ever evolving world of sport, I have never seen anything like this. This sport is called Combaton, derived from the use of combat and a baton, and it is pretty uniquely weird. From the website:

"The object of the game is for the offense to move the baton down field and score on their opponent’s goal pole. The defense must stop the offense and end the attack by kicking the baton carrier."

So if you're scoring at home, its kinda like cricket, lacrosse, football and martial arts exhibitions all wrapped up into one. Yea, that's about right. Speaking of scoring, the points system is this: 3 points for any standing kick, 4 points for any jumping kick up to 180 degrees and 5 points for any 360 degree spinning kick. The only way to stop the guy with a baton, and thus the advance to the goal, is to kick him off his feet or just so hard an official stops the action for a reset.

As if that wasn't nutty enough, if opposing teams possess the baton at the same time, they have a freaking "Fight Off" which means the two guys get taken to a circle to battle it out over who gets the right to hold the baton. Two men enter, 1 baton leaves!!!!

So yea, potentially brutal and awesome sport but from the looks of this video, kind of a sport for really intense martial arts type peoples that like to run around quite a bit while getting their kicks off. I want to see some brutality in these videos! Watch the promo for yourself

From Combaton.com

Aussie F@ckin Rules F%ckin F%ck!

This fucking video is the fucking best fucking pep talk of all fucking time. Fucking Shepherds Bush fucking Raiders have some fucking intense fucking fucks on their fucking team. Enjoy this fucking video for fucks sake....needless to say ITS FUCKING NSF FUCKING W!!!

Worst Super Bowl Tie-In Ever

Even geeks have to watch the Super Bowl so what better to get the geeks of the world excited about the big game than with a physics contest! Yea, a site called Physics Central is hosting a contest for the geeks of the world to make a video that demonstrates some aspect of physics in football. The prize, you see below. Doesn't look all that special? Well it's special to the physics nerds. Its a nanoscale trophy. Get excited people!

A nanoscale trophy will be created in silicon and metal, which will be visible only under super high magnification electron or scanning microscopes. At such minuscule dimensions, the width of the features will be about a thousand times thinner than a strand of human hair!

Oh, and you can bag $1000 bucks too so there is something in this story for the non-geeks of the interwebs (wait, are there any?) . So get your geek on and make a grab for that cash and a really fucking tiny trophy that you will never, ever see.

I might send in a video demonstrating the physics of the impact of an Osi Umenyiora sack on Tom Brady's receding hair follicles.

From Physics Central

Alonzo Spellman Is A Special Kind Of Crazy

How Alonzo Spellman is still able to walk amongst us normal not insane people is something that I will never understand. Spellman was arrested last night in Tulsa after a 20 minute car chase with police, that was stopped only by police stop sticks which took out three of his Chrysler Pacifica's tires, followed by a 20 minute stand-off with police where Spellman would not get out of his car, followed by police firing pepper pellets into said car, finally getting the crazy mofo out of his vehicle. He was charged with eluding, assault with a deadly weapon on a police officer, resisting arrest and driving without a license.

I understand and am sympathetic to those who suffer with bipolar disorder, but c'mon 'Zo, take your damn medication! Most people with bipolar disorder are not six feet tall, three hundred pound wrecking machines. I mean, he's now doing MMA fighting, he's learning more skills to beat people down with other than just tackling you hard enough to break your ribcage. That is not a good thing if he's liable to breakout in violent, manic episodes at any given second. If Spellman can't be responsible enough to take his drugs that keep him sane, it might be more responsible if he weren't let out to possibly harm someone.

From CBSSportsline

Is There A Señor Mutu Or A Señor Bosnich In The House?

If not, they might have left a package for me?

Cashley Cole, Catholic Crusader?

Don't say that footballers don't have a serious, contemplative side. Players like Kaka and Mateja Kezman score for Jesus all the time. Well, Kaka does. It's not yet clear what the hell Kezman is doing. Seems more like blasphemy.

Then you have players like Chelsea's Ashley "Cashley" Cole. Billy Gallas and £5M to Arsenal for Cole was a bad move. However, I may have been too quick to judge him. The Catholic Church may have found a new champion or crusader in the form of Cashley Cole.

Cole, married to Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole, was busted for hooking up with a hairdresser after a night of heavy drinking. Among other things, he "slapped her bottom so hard his platinum wedding ring left a mark, vomited in a girl’s car — then said she should feel 'privileged', made absurd claims that Girls Aloud singer Cheryl 'didn’t mind' him cheating as long as he kept it secret, and interrupted their sex session to be sick again".

It looks as though he's learned from that experience and has turned to the church for guidance. The Sun reports that he hooked up with another girl but he followed Rome's advice and didn't use protection.

Glamour model BROOKE HEALY, 23, has told how England ace Cole bedded her at a friend’s house following a boozy night out with Chelsea team-mates.

She said yesterday: “When we were getting down to it I asked him if he had protection because I wasn’t on the Pill.

“He said not to worry about it because he was always getting tests at Chelsea and he was clean.

“He said he didn’t do protection and not to worry because everything would be cool.

Who knew commies like Roman Abramovich were closet believers? When you're richer than Nazis, you can check for everything. Derby and Wigan must be running rampant with STDs. No wonder they're so slow. It's hard to run fast when your crotch is burning like Michael Jackson's hair on fire.

Like all heroes, Cole isn't a perfect man. Hoes have been dropping out of the sky like dead spy satellites to call him out. He allegedly offered the hairdresser money to have an abortion.

When Aimee, 22, feared she might be pregnant, Cole’s representative met her at a Harvester pub and offered her cash to have an abortion ... She was then taken into the office of a West End nightclub and told to sign a document declaring she hadn’t slept with Cole - in exchange for an envelope stuffed with £6,000 in cash.

That's not the half of it.


Cole slept with the girl on the left the year he got married and paid her £10,000 in hush money. The chickenhead on the right claims to have slept with him five months after he was married.

He claims to not "do protection" and none are pregnant. What other proof do you need, people? Get out there and do God's work!

This Can't Be A Good Sign For Sunday

This probably isn't as bad as the Seahawks taking the field to Bittersweet Symphony. You knew no good would come of that.



Way to back your fans, Rangers.

Is This Love That I'm Feeling

Howard University Men's Soccer Coach Joseph Okoh thought he made a love connection over the interwebs after previous attempts on J-Date (Juvenile not Jewish) didn't work out. Too bad it turned out to be a cop instead of a 13-year old girl.

Okoh was arrested after being netted in a sting operation conducted by the Louisa County Sheriff's Office as part of the Southern Virginia Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force. He traveled to Louisa County thinking he was going to give a girl some Bison love and instead ended up posterized in a mug shot. He was charged with one count of using a commuications system to solicit a person under 15 years old with lascivious intent.

He just finished his first year as head coach after coming from Shepherd University. The 2007 Season Outlook for the team states:

Okoh will look to incorporate the Dutch philosophy of "Total Football" to the Bison's on-the-field strategy, typically a system in which every player is active in all facets of the game, whether it is full-backs joining the offensive attack or wide midfielders tracking back to help defend. In other words, much of the Bison's focus will be geared around its players' versatility.

Apparently he had the same Total Molestation game plan. Luckily, his record off the field was just as bad as his record on it. Okoh could have done himself a favor by listening to the words of BDP.

All jokes aside, one has to feel for Okoh's family for the embarrassment and shame they have to deal with in the coming months thanks to his depraved, selfish actions.

Steve McClaren could use a job these days and the Howard job would give him massive street cred.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Pole Crotch

Nothing starts a day off like a good shot to the balls. Its timeless really.

96 Ain't Nuthin' But A Number

Winning the NIT ain't nuthin' but a thing. Isiah thinks the Knicks are a playoff team.

While saying that he believes the Knicks are a playoff team, Thomas reiterated that he will not be making any deals prior to Feb. 21 trading deadline.

It's not clear what playoffs he's talking about. Maybe he thinks owning the CBA means he can rig the playoffs. Oh wait... He must be talking about the NIT. Why would he want to dump salary or trade for a proven winner when he's got walking heart condition Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph who looks and runs like he eats a pygmy before every game?

There's only an outside chance of the Knicks not winning the NIT. Home court advantage all the way to the end. They just have to figure out how to shut down that pesky Drexel Dragon defense and quick-paced Marist offense. They're like UNLV in 1990.

96th best team in the land = Mission Accomplished. Hopefully, Isiah stays in and on New York forever like herpes.

The Constitutional Vol. "We Just Turned 1!!!"

Yes, we actually turned 1 yesterday. Who would have thought our attention spans would have lasted this long? We could not have actually lasted this long if you guys weren't reading us, so we want to take a little time out to say thanks to everyone that has helped make the Deuce what it is today...here's the laundry list. Many thanks to Deadspin, With Leather, Sports by Brooks, Jimmy at SI, 100% Injury Rate, Awful Announcing, the entire gang at Epic Carnival (you guys are too many to list, but thanks all of you), Hogs Haven, Bullets Forever, the guys at Mr. Irrelevant, Dan Steinberg and the Sports Bog & Blog Show, Matt Mosley at Hashmarks, Cousins of Ron Mexico, Jarrett at Scott Van Pelt Style, Chris at the Hot Route, Don at With-Malice, the Ball Hype crew, Liston, Sarge, Larry Brown, Signal To Noise, Who Ate All The Pies, Rumors & Rants , Can't Stop the Bleeding, Football Roundtable, Busted Coverage, The 700 Level and all you regular readers out there and people that we missed, we're sorry, we'll get ya next time, if you commented more or emailed us we might remember ya more often...for now...Welcome to the Constitutional:

• How much of the "genius" of Belichick is due to having Tom Brady? Randball
  


• You can now order your Patriots 19-0 commemorative book! On 205th
  


• Maxim is posting some "classic" Super Bowl moments on their website. Watch for the fun electric football peoples running about and snorting massive amounts of cocaine. Maxim Online
  


• Eli has reconsidered his deal with the devil. Food Court Lunch
  


• Even Bartolo Colon won't play for the ChiSox. Luol's Dong - Now with L33T Sp3@k!1!!1
  


• I might be late on this but here's the always excellent Steroid Nation with a found story about HGH usage in the NFL. Steroid Nation
  


• Michael Wilbon had a heart attack on Monday, apparently even he can suffer from the Madden Curse. Fan IQ Blog
  


• I owned this card too...a flood of memories just hit me like a ton of bricks. They gave these out in PG County schools too Jamie, thanks for the memories. Mr. Irrelevant
  


• Gilbert isn't dating Mya...but he is reading this blog. Scott Van Pelt Style
  


• Oh, your son doesn't have cancer? Wow. That is low. The World of Issac
  


• Dwayne Wade felt like he was a 16 year old virgin after snapping the 15 game losing streak (with audio). Sports by Brooks
  


• Buy Kirk Herbstreet's House! Every Day Should Be Saturday


• Handicapping Romo's next sexual conquest. Rumors & Rants

Are You Ready For Some Hookers?

Purple Jesus, please rip Hank Williams Jr.'s throat out Roadhouse/Rambo style so we'll never have to hear him do that song live. I'll take care of the recordings.

Hopefully Arizona's also ready for the clap because prostitutes from all over the country are about to descend on Arizona like locusts on African crops. Pimps and hoes are loading up the limos and speeding towards the Phoenix metro area as fast as they can load up the Cadillac Broughams.

The Phoenix area, which already is known among hookers as a lucrative stop in the winter because of the snowbirds, is expected to be irresistible to sex workers this year.

The Fiesta Bowl already brought thousands of football fans to the region at the beginning of January. And the Super Bowl was preceded by the Barrett Jackson car show and will be played on the final day of the FBR Open golf tournament, both major draws for wealthy, vacationing men.

"It's a big deal this year," said Tammy Marie Pagel, a 31-year-old local hooker who was recently jailed in Phoenix but was scheduled to be released the week before the Super Bowl.

It's Christmas in February. Screw April and fixing houses. It's about circuit girls building up an immunity to penicillin.

Phoenix police plan to be on the lookout for circuit girls, their pimps as well as their customers although they'll be more concerned with security issues. However they're still unclear as to what they'll do if they encounter Tara Reid, Paris Hilton, Lil' Kim or any number of video hoes. Prostitutes usually get between 15 to 180 days in Phoenix depending on the number of violations so it's probably best to err on the side of caution. At least "customers" can have time to get tested, stuck and/or quarantined.

Then again , the police should also be careful as pimps won't take too kindly to an interruption of they interstate commerces as protected under the commerces cause. If the police know what's good for them, they'll move and let the pimps pass before they have to be pullin' some pimp Hush Puppies out of their muthafuckin' ass. After all, it's principalities in there.

In Case You Have Any Faith Left In Humanity

Losing to Duke tonight or ... um yesterday was bad enough but this and this have convinced me that there's no hope and we're all going to implode on each other.

I knew Meet The Spartans would be number one but really, people? Are people really begging for the return of the New Kids on the Block? Maybe I could understand if we lived in Europe and embraced shit groups like Take That and the Spice Girls on the regular. Are there rumors of a Boyzone reunion? Don't tell Gary Glitter. He might get too excited and have another heart attack before realizing they're of age.

Rambo had it right. Nothing ever changes. Just ask Peter Angelos. I need Colonel Troutman to talk me down or a Murland win at Cameron on February 13. I gotta go talk to my purents.


** You might have noticed that I saw Rambo this past weekend. No time for a review because it's time for sleep. That's where I'm a Viking. Let's just say that if you see it, you'll overdose on what you expect. It was impossible to keep track of the decapitations and severed limbs. It's like trying to keep track of shots fired in The Killer. What do you learn? It's acceptable to blow up bad people and stuff for freedom. Fuck yeah. Make sure you do a thorough job otherwise you won't come to a resolution about the fate of your soul. The best way to do this is mow them down and take off as many body parts as possible.

Maybe the Karen people would have better luck if they changed their name to Helen or something Burmese. A little hiding out in the open if you will. Always gotta be thinking.

The unintentionally funny movie preview was solid. I won't give away the title of the movie as that's the best part but I haven't laughed at a preview like that since Blood and Chocolate.

What The Problem Is?

We were really hoping this story would take a UNC molester turn but alas, our hopes were for naught. It's just another simple case of football players being dumbasses.

Texas A&M football players Yemi Babalola and Brandon Joiner were each indicted on two counts of aggravated robbery. No buffets were harmed. Zing. Hey oh. They did tie up and rob a drug dealer. Joiner was also indicted for one felony count of manufacturing or delivering methamphetamine and two misdemeanor counts of possessing marijuana and hydrocodone.

You see what had happened was they just happened to be in the lab and wanted to make a citizen's arrest but then the police came in and that's where things got confused. Really there's nothing to see here.

Unlike A&M, the Fat Boys always ended with an uplifting moral or full stomach and all left satisfied ... until they all went solo or dead. Luckily for all of us, Men At Large filled the gap with ease. Pour out a little bacon vodka for these husky, defunct groups.

Boom Goes The Dynamite. No, Seriously.

In spite of the fact that MySpace and Facebook are part of a facist conspiracy to control the world that is only rivaled by Harpo Studios, they do have some use. I have a friend who is a prosecutor in Florida. Yes, interesting. Very interesting. He's actually used MySpace pages of gang members against them in court and won convictions thanks to them. Note to you aspiring gangbangers and Unabomber wannabes, don't write your plans or pose with your weapons on your pages. Advertising doesn't work for Bond villains and it certainly won't work for you.

Someone should have explained this to former Wake Forest RB Luke Caparelli before he decided to post his plans to blow up the Wake Forest campus on his Facebook page. He also claimed to have an Uzi "locked and loaded in his bag".

That same someone should probably tell Caparelli the "I wuz just playin'! LOL!" defense was probably not the move either. He acknowledged writing the posts but claimed he really wasn't going to do it. Claims of really meaning to blow up the outside world would probably fall on deaf ears as well.

As of post time, Caparelli has been dismissed from the team and charges could be pending. There's no word on any discipline from the school itself. I'm sure there are several people from Virginia Tech who would like to have a word with him in an alley.

Bron Bron Needs A Hug

Bear Down Chicago Bears

We brought you the first kick in the dick with the story of CCTV presenter Zhang Bin and his wife who blew up his spot on national tv. Well we have another early 2008 candidate for mother of all kicks to the dick.

Going through a child custody battle is tough enough especially when you're a public figure. It's a whole other thing when the mother of your child is a coke-addicted hooker and you're former Chicago Bear Richard Dent.