National Poo

Baseball season is coming...FOR ME TO POOP ON!

Euro 2008 Gets Shaggy

The theme song for Euro 2008 was recently released and for a soccer theme song, its really not that bad although I'm not sure why a sporting event actually needs a theme song. What is bad is the computer animated kids who must be some sorta Euro 2008 mascot thing or something. They are annoying beyond belief. Its got Shaggy warbling in his pseudo reggaeton style, on a side note, who the hell thought he would have a career longer than Bombastic and It Wasn't Me? I mean, that was one crap song and he's somehow held on and made an acual music career with subsequent "hits". Still amazes me. Anyway, if you're interested, here you go

Eli Won The MVP But...

(AP Photo/Gene Puskar)

David Tyree is the real hero in this game. That jump ball catch, on 3rd and 5 with less than 1:15, to go, thrown by a scrambling for his life Eli Manning and caught on his head with Rodney Harrison draped all over him was one of the best moments in Super Bowl history. That play set up, what proved to be, the winning touchdown of the game just four players later with the Giants beating the Patriots 17-14. That says nothing of him catching the first touchdown pass of the game for the Giants and giving them a 10-7 lead. He played one great game but that catch will be remembered with some of the all time great plays of Super Bowls.

The video of it (while it's up) is below, but here's the quotes from some Giants and Patriots players, one coach and a brother that sums the catch all up:

"David Tyree, that's all you have to say." It was just a great catch by David Tyree. I found a way to get loose and just really threw it up. He made an unbelievable catch and saved the game." - Eli Manning
"Unbelievable, in Friday's practice, he was dropping everything." - Amani Toomer
"I don't know that there's ever been a bigger play in the Super Bowl than that play." - Tom Coughlin
"He made a hell of a play." - Asante Samuel
"Eli's pass to Tyree, I think, was one of the greatest plays of all time. You always see Swann's catch." Peyton Manning

Here's the video:

Excuse Me, Sir. Are You Choking?

Manning to Tyree was probably one of the greatest plays in Super Bowl history but we shouldn't forget the soldiers patroling the sidelines. Jared Lorenzen (a.k.a Hefty Lefty or Quarter Got Back) was one of the more interesting side plots to the night's event. He seemed to get redder as the game went on. It was as though he had a gordita stuck in his throat.

Robeast was wondering if Gatorade made him a special turkey gravy flavored mix for the Super Bowl. It looks as though he's doing his best to get bigger. We encourage him to keep up the good work. Here's hoping he dumps turkey gravy on his head at the parade tomorrow. Super Tuesday indeed.

Spike Lee Loves Some Giants Football

No one ever accused Spike Lee of being a bandwagon jumper, Lord knows we've all seen him on the sidelines of the train wreck that is the New York Knicks, but who knew he was a Giants fan? I dunno if I've ever seen him rock the Giants gear. By the way, who let him on the field? Does he own a part of the team, because fans do not belong on the field, right?

(Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

Constitutional Vol. "Giants Win, Patriots Not Perfect"

Tremendous game last night, one of the best Super Bowls I have ever watched that did not have the Washington Redskins in it. Great defense, timely offense, and the underdog beat the big bad, previously undeafeated bully. Sadly, football season is now over. What is it like 2 weeks until pitchers and catchers report? Crap, this is gonna be a tough stretch of blogging. Here's some other news you might've missed while watching the big game. Welcome to the Constitutional:

• What Happens to the NFL Super Bowl losers gear. Walker Economics Blog
  


• Who cares what Mercury Morris thinks? Sure they didnt go undefeated, still won more games than the Dolphins. But here's what he says here. Fan IQ Blog
  


• Will Leitch defending the racial jokes in his new book on NPR. NPR.org
  


• Dikta picked it right. Luol's Dong
  


• The ladies... Super Bowl spread makes me drool, but they didnt have a meat house! Ladies Dot Dot Dot
  


• Congressional Steroid Hearing Updates. Steroid Nation
  


• Home Shopping Network got the score wrong. Sports by Brooks
  


• A good breakdown of Pau Gasol now playing for the Lakers. With-Malice
  


• It took awhile for the Giants to burn the Patriots...but it can be done as shown here in this weak attempt at effigy. We Are The Postmen
  


• What I wish I could've written about this Super Bowl. The Sporting Blog
  


• Top 5 Super Bowl commercials. For my dollar, the Tide Stain should have been #1. Yahoo NFL Blog
  


• This is, of course, one of my favorite Super Bowls right here. East Coast Bias
  


• Finally, do Super Bowl ads really work? PR Blog Guy
  

Sheeeeeeeit, It's About Time

Clay Davis may be Bawlmer through and through but even he has to respect Art Monk. He was finally admitted to the NFL Hall of Fame along with Darrell Green after eight years of waiting. He's Washington's Nelson Mandela. Give us free!!

Maybe that's a bit much but Redskins fans including Chimp Rage must be thrilled that he's finally got his due. Now let's see about Timmy Smith and Heath Shuler.

Germany's Feeling A Bit Caliente These Days

The Jews must be thrilled that the Germans seem to be moving their attention away from the chosen people. I'll tell you who's not thrilled. Mexico.

This isn't sports-related but it's a great story. A diplomatic rift is growing between Germania and Mexico over a song. One would think Deutscheland Uber Alles would be enough to make people nervous but ze Germans have gone one step further and started attacking other countries individually through song. Finger Im Po, Mexico (translated as Finger In The Butt, Mexico) has become a hit in Germany and La Raza are not happy.



Mexican Ambassador to Germany Jorge Castro-Valle Kuehne has written a letter of protest to the song's publisher EMI.

"As I'm sure you can understand, the lyric has aroused great outrage among the members of the Mexican community living in Germany, who have a right to be angry that Mexico's name is being used in this kind of disrespectful and disgusting way."

The song was written and is performed by 34-year-old German entertainer Mickie Krause, who made his breakthrough performing works such as "Go Home, You Old Shit" and "10 Naked Hairdressers."

Krause told [German newspaper] Bild that the song had to be taken with a sense of humor. "On stage, I also sing the lyric 'Finger in the vagina, Bosnia-Herzegovina,'" he added. "And nobody has gotten worked up about that."

Just wait until Finger in the Anus, Cyprus or Finger in the Pussy, Central African Republic. Major wars have started over lesser issues.

Thanks to Glendon over at Football Roundtable for the tip.

Nobody Likes Ramming Any More Than Me

At first I thought this David Lee Roth video was the greatest thing I've seen or heard all year until this pièce de résistance. All the Zubaz in the world can't help Cory and the Fins now.



Did I just see an attempt at the wop along with more pelvic thrusting than you can shake a dick at? I feel so violated. It's like Eric Dickerson rammed me without permission.

Update: Deadspin had this linked way earlier in January, my bad Unsilent!

Super Bowl Means EAT MORE MEAT!

With the Super Bowl on Sunday you are sure to be a part of some big fancy party with all sorts of appetizers and wings and assorted meats of many kinds to go with the tasty frothy beverages of your choice. Well, the Deuce loves itself some meat, so we're here to help you out with some fine meat dishes that you might want to cook for your Super Bowl party.

1) The Meat House:
Yea, look at this thing in all its glory. Get the instructions on how to do it here, along with a bunch of tasty pictures of the construction. Know that it contains 20 sausages, 12 strips of bacon and 1 package of sausage meat. Mmmmm delicious. Do not forget to eat several packages of Tums afterwards or your stomach might very well explode

2) The Bacon Burger
Yea, that is a deep fried burger made up entirely of ground bacon. Serve with deep fried jalapenos and you are on your way, kid. Get instructions on making the burger here, and remember you'll need 1 pound of bacon stuffed with cheese and topped with more cheese to make this delicious meal. Mmmmm, a Mike Wilbon like heart attack awaits you soon after...oh, too soon?

3) Ultimate Jerky Sampler
This is a beauty, every smart man loves some excellent jerky, well now is your chance to eat some exotic jerky! In this set you get 4 oz Buffalo Jerky, 4 oz Venison Jerky, 4 oz Ostrich jerky, Elk Sticks, Buffalo Sticks and Alligator sticks. Order it up here, might not make it for the Super Bowl on Sunday, but rejoice in knowing that soon you will get all sorts of fancy jerky for the NCAA tournament. Oh wait, jerky lasts forever, save it for the super bowl next year! And send us some free samples if you're reading this guys!

4) Burger In A Can
Look at the canned burger in all of it's glory. Order it here, watch it being made and eaten here, vomit in a trash can in your own home. If you're tailgating though, this is a perfect "in case of emergency pop the top" burger. All you need is a fire and a pot of boiling water and you will have yourself a burger! Surprisingly, its not too bad...not too good either.

5) Bacon Vodka
What better to wash down your meaty meals than a few shots of Bacon infused vodka? Get the recipe here and drink it down to your own destruction at your Super Bowl party on Sunday. I cannot think of a better way to drink myself into oblivion than drinking and tasting bacon the entire time. There should be more baconated beverages out there. I want bacon beer dammit!

6. Bacon Cheeseburger Cake
Finally, a non meat product, but it sure looks like meat. Its just one gigantic cake. The recipe is here, and you can definitely have this ready for the super bowl. Nothin says lovin' like a gigantic bacon cheeseburger cake in the oven. Hells yea.

HS Girl Dunkin' All Over You

Brittney Griner is 6'8 and can dunk the ball like pretty much any 6'8 guy can. If there ever was a girl that could play in the NBA, its certainly her, i say that not because she can dunk but because she's kinda manly. She sounds like a dude and has Kevin Garnett's body, to put it bluntly, but man can she dunk. Yea, that's mean and I know she's a high school girl, but she'll face way worse when she's playing at Baylor next year. Toughen up. Anyway, have a look.

Super Bowl Logos Over The Years

Here's a picture of all the past Super Bowl logos going up until last year. Nothing really remarkable about it, not nearly as craptacular as all the past Olympic logos, the NFL really has their logo-making down pat. Just found it neat to look back at the many, quite similar logos of the Super Bowl. My favorite is Super Bowl XII, looks like a Tecmo Bowl logo or something.

Yet Another New Sport: Combaton

In the ever evolving world of sport, I have never seen anything like this. This sport is called Combaton, derived from the use of combat and a baton, and it is pretty uniquely weird. From the website:

"The object of the game is for the offense to move the baton down field and score on their opponent’s goal pole. The defense must stop the offense and end the attack by kicking the baton carrier."

So if you're scoring at home, its kinda like cricket, lacrosse, football and martial arts exhibitions all wrapped up into one. Yea, that's about right. Speaking of scoring, the points system is this: 3 points for any standing kick, 4 points for any jumping kick up to 180 degrees and 5 points for any 360 degree spinning kick. The only way to stop the guy with a baton, and thus the advance to the goal, is to kick him off his feet or just so hard an official stops the action for a reset.

As if that wasn't nutty enough, if opposing teams possess the baton at the same time, they have a freaking "Fight Off" which means the two guys get taken to a circle to battle it out over who gets the right to hold the baton. Two men enter, 1 baton leaves!!!!

So yea, potentially brutal and awesome sport but from the looks of this video, kind of a sport for really intense martial arts type peoples that like to run around quite a bit while getting their kicks off. I want to see some brutality in these videos! Watch the promo for yourself

From Combaton.com

Aussie F@ckin Rules F%ckin F%ck!

This fucking video is the fucking best fucking pep talk of all fucking time. Fucking Shepherds Bush fucking Raiders have some fucking intense fucking fucks on their fucking team. Enjoy this fucking video for fucks sake....needless to say ITS FUCKING NSF FUCKING W!!!

Worst Super Bowl Tie-In Ever

Even geeks have to watch the Super Bowl so what better to get the geeks of the world excited about the big game than with a physics contest! Yea, a site called Physics Central is hosting a contest for the geeks of the world to make a video that demonstrates some aspect of physics in football. The prize, you see below. Doesn't look all that special? Well it's special to the physics nerds. Its a nanoscale trophy. Get excited people!

A nanoscale trophy will be created in silicon and metal, which will be visible only under super high magnification electron or scanning microscopes. At such minuscule dimensions, the width of the features will be about a thousand times thinner than a strand of human hair!

Oh, and you can bag $1000 bucks too so there is something in this story for the non-geeks of the interwebs (wait, are there any?) . So get your geek on and make a grab for that cash and a really fucking tiny trophy that you will never, ever see.

I might send in a video demonstrating the physics of the impact of an Osi Umenyiora sack on Tom Brady's receding hair follicles.

From Physics Central

Alonzo Spellman Is A Special Kind Of Crazy

How Alonzo Spellman is still able to walk amongst us normal not insane people is something that I will never understand. Spellman was arrested last night in Tulsa after a 20 minute car chase with police, that was stopped only by police stop sticks which took out three of his Chrysler Pacifica's tires, followed by a 20 minute stand-off with police where Spellman would not get out of his car, followed by police firing pepper pellets into said car, finally getting the crazy mofo out of his vehicle. He was charged with eluding, assault with a deadly weapon on a police officer, resisting arrest and driving without a license.

I understand and am sympathetic to those who suffer with bipolar disorder, but c'mon 'Zo, take your damn medication! Most people with bipolar disorder are not six feet tall, three hundred pound wrecking machines. I mean, he's now doing MMA fighting, he's learning more skills to beat people down with other than just tackling you hard enough to break your ribcage. That is not a good thing if he's liable to breakout in violent, manic episodes at any given second. If Spellman can't be responsible enough to take his drugs that keep him sane, it might be more responsible if he weren't let out to possibly harm someone.

From CBSSportsline

Is There A Señor Mutu Or A Señor Bosnich In The House?

If not, they might have left a package for me?

Cashley Cole, Catholic Crusader?

Don't say that footballers don't have a serious, contemplative side. Players like Kaka and Mateja Kezman score for Jesus all the time. Well, Kaka does. It's not yet clear what the hell Kezman is doing. Seems more like blasphemy.

Then you have players like Chelsea's Ashley "Cashley" Cole. Billy Gallas and £5M to Arsenal for Cole was a bad move. However, I may have been too quick to judge him. The Catholic Church may have found a new champion or crusader in the form of Cashley Cole.

Cole, married to Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole, was busted for hooking up with a hairdresser after a night of heavy drinking. Among other things, he "slapped her bottom so hard his platinum wedding ring left a mark, vomited in a girl’s car — then said she should feel 'privileged', made absurd claims that Girls Aloud singer Cheryl 'didn’t mind' him cheating as long as he kept it secret, and interrupted their sex session to be sick again".

It looks as though he's learned from that experience and has turned to the church for guidance. The Sun reports that he hooked up with another girl but he followed Rome's advice and didn't use protection.

Glamour model BROOKE HEALY, 23, has told how England ace Cole bedded her at a friend’s house following a boozy night out with Chelsea team-mates.

She said yesterday: “When we were getting down to it I asked him if he had protection because I wasn’t on the Pill.

“He said not to worry about it because he was always getting tests at Chelsea and he was clean.

“He said he didn’t do protection and not to worry because everything would be cool.

Who knew commies like Roman Abramovich were closet believers? When you're richer than Nazis, you can check for everything. Derby and Wigan must be running rampant with STDs. No wonder they're so slow. It's hard to run fast when your crotch is burning like Michael Jackson's hair on fire.

Like all heroes, Cole isn't a perfect man. Hoes have been dropping out of the sky like dead spy satellites to call him out. He allegedly offered the hairdresser money to have an abortion.

When Aimee, 22, feared she might be pregnant, Cole’s representative met her at a Harvester pub and offered her cash to have an abortion ... She was then taken into the office of a West End nightclub and told to sign a document declaring she hadn’t slept with Cole - in exchange for an envelope stuffed with £6,000 in cash.

That's not the half of it.


Cole slept with the girl on the left the year he got married and paid her £10,000 in hush money. The chickenhead on the right claims to have slept with him five months after he was married.

He claims to not "do protection" and none are pregnant. What other proof do you need, people? Get out there and do God's work!

This Can't Be A Good Sign For Sunday

This probably isn't as bad as the Seahawks taking the field to Bittersweet Symphony. You knew no good would come of that.



Way to back your fans, Rangers.

Is This Love That I'm Feeling

Howard University Men's Soccer Coach Joseph Okoh thought he made a love connection over the interwebs after previous attempts on J-Date (Juvenile not Jewish) didn't work out. Too bad it turned out to be a cop instead of a 13-year old girl.

Okoh was arrested after being netted in a sting operation conducted by the Louisa County Sheriff's Office as part of the Southern Virginia Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force. He traveled to Louisa County thinking he was going to give a girl some Bison love and instead ended up posterized in a mug shot. He was charged with one count of using a commuications system to solicit a person under 15 years old with lascivious intent.

He just finished his first year as head coach after coming from Shepherd University. The 2007 Season Outlook for the team states:

Okoh will look to incorporate the Dutch philosophy of "Total Football" to the Bison's on-the-field strategy, typically a system in which every player is active in all facets of the game, whether it is full-backs joining the offensive attack or wide midfielders tracking back to help defend. In other words, much of the Bison's focus will be geared around its players' versatility.

Apparently he had the same Total Molestation game plan. Luckily, his record off the field was just as bad as his record on it. Okoh could have done himself a favor by listening to the words of BDP.

All jokes aside, one has to feel for Okoh's family for the embarrassment and shame they have to deal with in the coming months thanks to his depraved, selfish actions.

Steve McClaren could use a job these days and the Howard job would give him massive street cred.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Pole Crotch

Nothing starts a day off like a good shot to the balls. Its timeless really.

96 Ain't Nuthin' But A Number

Winning the NIT ain't nuthin' but a thing. Isiah thinks the Knicks are a playoff team.

While saying that he believes the Knicks are a playoff team, Thomas reiterated that he will not be making any deals prior to Feb. 21 trading deadline.

It's not clear what playoffs he's talking about. Maybe he thinks owning the CBA means he can rig the playoffs. Oh wait... He must be talking about the NIT. Why would he want to dump salary or trade for a proven winner when he's got walking heart condition Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph who looks and runs like he eats a pygmy before every game?

There's only an outside chance of the Knicks not winning the NIT. Home court advantage all the way to the end. They just have to figure out how to shut down that pesky Drexel Dragon defense and quick-paced Marist offense. They're like UNLV in 1990.

96th best team in the land = Mission Accomplished. Hopefully, Isiah stays in and on New York forever like herpes.

The Constitutional Vol. "We Just Turned 1!!!"

Yes, we actually turned 1 yesterday. Who would have thought our attention spans would have lasted this long? We could not have actually lasted this long if you guys weren't reading us, so we want to take a little time out to say thanks to everyone that has helped make the Deuce what it is today...here's the laundry list. Many thanks to Deadspin, With Leather, Sports by Brooks, Jimmy at SI, 100% Injury Rate, Awful Announcing, the entire gang at Epic Carnival (you guys are too many to list, but thanks all of you), Hogs Haven, Bullets Forever, the guys at Mr. Irrelevant, Dan Steinberg and the Sports Bog & Blog Show, Matt Mosley at Hashmarks, Cousins of Ron Mexico, Jarrett at Scott Van Pelt Style, Chris at the Hot Route, Don at With-Malice, the Ball Hype crew, Liston, Sarge, Larry Brown, Signal To Noise, Who Ate All The Pies, Rumors & Rants , Can't Stop the Bleeding, Football Roundtable, Busted Coverage, The 700 Level and all you regular readers out there and people that we missed, we're sorry, we'll get ya next time, if you commented more or emailed us we might remember ya more often...for now...Welcome to the Constitutional:

• How much of the "genius" of Belichick is due to having Tom Brady? Randball
  


• You can now order your Patriots 19-0 commemorative book! On 205th
  


• Maxim is posting some "classic" Super Bowl moments on their website. Watch for the fun electric football peoples running about and snorting massive amounts of cocaine. Maxim Online
  


• Eli has reconsidered his deal with the devil. Food Court Lunch
  


• Even Bartolo Colon won't play for the ChiSox. Luol's Dong - Now with L33T Sp3@k!1!!1
  


• I might be late on this but here's the always excellent Steroid Nation with a found story about HGH usage in the NFL. Steroid Nation
  


• Michael Wilbon had a heart attack on Monday, apparently even he can suffer from the Madden Curse. Fan IQ Blog
  


• I owned this card too...a flood of memories just hit me like a ton of bricks. They gave these out in PG County schools too Jamie, thanks for the memories. Mr. Irrelevant
  


• Gilbert isn't dating Mya...but he is reading this blog. Scott Van Pelt Style
  


• Oh, your son doesn't have cancer? Wow. That is low. The World of Issac
  


• Dwayne Wade felt like he was a 16 year old virgin after snapping the 15 game losing streak (with audio). Sports by Brooks
  


• Buy Kirk Herbstreet's House! Every Day Should Be Saturday


• Handicapping Romo's next sexual conquest. Rumors & Rants

Are You Ready For Some Hookers?

Purple Jesus, please rip Hank Williams Jr.'s throat out Roadhouse/Rambo style so we'll never have to hear him do that song live. I'll take care of the recordings.

Hopefully Arizona's also ready for the clap because prostitutes from all over the country are about to descend on Arizona like locusts on African crops. Pimps and hoes are loading up the limos and speeding towards the Phoenix metro area as fast as they can load up the Cadillac Broughams.

The Phoenix area, which already is known among hookers as a lucrative stop in the winter because of the snowbirds, is expected to be irresistible to sex workers this year.

The Fiesta Bowl already brought thousands of football fans to the region at the beginning of January. And the Super Bowl was preceded by the Barrett Jackson car show and will be played on the final day of the FBR Open golf tournament, both major draws for wealthy, vacationing men.

"It's a big deal this year," said Tammy Marie Pagel, a 31-year-old local hooker who was recently jailed in Phoenix but was scheduled to be released the week before the Super Bowl.

It's Christmas in February. Screw April and fixing houses. It's about circuit girls building up an immunity to penicillin.

Phoenix police plan to be on the lookout for circuit girls, their pimps as well as their customers although they'll be more concerned with security issues. However they're still unclear as to what they'll do if they encounter Tara Reid, Paris Hilton, Lil' Kim or any number of video hoes. Prostitutes usually get between 15 to 180 days in Phoenix depending on the number of violations so it's probably best to err on the side of caution. At least "customers" can have time to get tested, stuck and/or quarantined.

Then again , the police should also be careful as pimps won't take too kindly to an interruption of they interstate commerces as protected under the commerces cause. If the police know what's good for them, they'll move and let the pimps pass before they have to be pullin' some pimp Hush Puppies out of their muthafuckin' ass. After all, it's principalities in there.

In Case You Have Any Faith Left In Humanity

Losing to Duke tonight or ... um yesterday was bad enough but this and this have convinced me that there's no hope and we're all going to implode on each other.

I knew Meet The Spartans would be number one but really, people? Are people really begging for the return of the New Kids on the Block? Maybe I could understand if we lived in Europe and embraced shit groups like Take That and the Spice Girls on the regular. Are there rumors of a Boyzone reunion? Don't tell Gary Glitter. He might get too excited and have another heart attack before realizing they're of age.

Rambo had it right. Nothing ever changes. Just ask Peter Angelos. I need Colonel Troutman to talk me down or a Murland win at Cameron on February 13. I gotta go talk to my purents.


** You might have noticed that I saw Rambo this past weekend. No time for a review because it's time for sleep. That's where I'm a Viking. Let's just say that if you see it, you'll overdose on what you expect. It was impossible to keep track of the decapitations and severed limbs. It's like trying to keep track of shots fired in The Killer. What do you learn? It's acceptable to blow up bad people and stuff for freedom. Fuck yeah. Make sure you do a thorough job otherwise you won't come to a resolution about the fate of your soul. The best way to do this is mow them down and take off as many body parts as possible.

Maybe the Karen people would have better luck if they changed their name to Helen or something Burmese. A little hiding out in the open if you will. Always gotta be thinking.

The unintentionally funny movie preview was solid. I won't give away the title of the movie as that's the best part but I haven't laughed at a preview like that since Blood and Chocolate.

What The Problem Is?

We were really hoping this story would take a UNC molester turn but alas, our hopes were for naught. It's just another simple case of football players being dumbasses.

Texas A&M football players Yemi Babalola and Brandon Joiner were each indicted on two counts of aggravated robbery. No buffets were harmed. Zing. Hey oh. They did tie up and rob a drug dealer. Joiner was also indicted for one felony count of manufacturing or delivering methamphetamine and two misdemeanor counts of possessing marijuana and hydrocodone.

You see what had happened was they just happened to be in the lab and wanted to make a citizen's arrest but then the police came in and that's where things got confused. Really there's nothing to see here.

Unlike A&M, the Fat Boys always ended with an uplifting moral or full stomach and all left satisfied ... until they all went solo or dead. Luckily for all of us, Men At Large filled the gap with ease. Pour out a little bacon vodka for these husky, defunct groups.

Boom Goes The Dynamite. No, Seriously.

In spite of the fact that MySpace and Facebook are part of a facist conspiracy to control the world that is only rivaled by Harpo Studios, they do have some use. I have a friend who is a prosecutor in Florida. Yes, interesting. Very interesting. He's actually used MySpace pages of gang members against them in court and won convictions thanks to them. Note to you aspiring gangbangers and Unabomber wannabes, don't write your plans or pose with your weapons on your pages. Advertising doesn't work for Bond villains and it certainly won't work for you.

Someone should have explained this to former Wake Forest RB Luke Caparelli before he decided to post his plans to blow up the Wake Forest campus on his Facebook page. He also claimed to have an Uzi "locked and loaded in his bag".

That same someone should probably tell Caparelli the "I wuz just playin'! LOL!" defense was probably not the move either. He acknowledged writing the posts but claimed he really wasn't going to do it. Claims of really meaning to blow up the outside world would probably fall on deaf ears as well.

As of post time, Caparelli has been dismissed from the team and charges could be pending. There's no word on any discipline from the school itself. I'm sure there are several people from Virginia Tech who would like to have a word with him in an alley.

Bron Bron Needs A Hug

Bear Down Chicago Bears

We brought you the first kick in the dick with the story of CCTV presenter Zhang Bin and his wife who blew up his spot on national tv. Well we have another early 2008 candidate for mother of all kicks to the dick.

Going through a child custody battle is tough enough especially when you're a public figure. It's a whole other thing when the mother of your child is a coke-addicted hooker and you're former Chicago Bear Richard Dent.

Funniest Beer Commercial Ever

Hands down, this commercial beats anything that you will see during the Super Bowl next Sunday. Enjoy the classic Adam Sandler and Chris Farley fake commercial for "Schmitts Gay"

DC Mayor Wants Redskins Back

Washington DC mayor Adrian Fenty wants the Washington Redskins to return to the nation's capital. Currently the Redskins play at the 11 year old Fed Ex Field, which is in Landover, Maryland. Former Redskins owner Jack Kent Cooke built the stadium with his own money on land given to him by Maryland officials. At the time, Washington DC did not want to give land to the Redskins to build their own stadium. Times have now changed.

Adrian Fenty said on Wednesday that he is going to present a proposal to Redskins owner Dan Snyder for a possible a 100,000-seat domed stadium that also could be used for Super Bowls and other major events. DC's Chief Financial Officer Natwar Gandhi has gotten involved and will do a financial analysis of the impact that building this stadium and the return of the Redskins to town will have on the city.

To this, I have two things to say 1) It better not cost the tax payers much if anything like the National's stadium and 2) THANK GOD! Going to FedEx Field is a miserable experience. There is no good way of getting there. If you drive, you're stuck in traffic, if you metro, you have to take it all the way out to Maryland, then choose to either walk a mile and a half or take a shuttlebus that may or may not leave you once the game is over, causing a crazed mad scramble to find your bus (an adventure unto itself) and get on it before it leaves you.

Once you're there, the stadium itself has as much character as an office building. There is nothing good to see when walking up to the stadium or when you are in your seat sitting down. If you're unfortunate enough to sit up in the "nose bleed" seats, you could actually get a nose bleed. You are eye level with helicopters that fly around the stadium and I have seen several cases of vertigo bring people down once getting up there.

I hate FedEx field and would love to see the Redskins back where they belong, in Washington DC. If these guys can figure out a way to do this that is beneficial to the city, its citizens and the Redskins organization (tall order I know) this might be one of the few bits of good news out of this team since the Dan took over.

From NBC 4

Just In Time For Wedding Season

Sports Garters! There is no way that these are officially licensed, but they are here and just in time for the spring wedding season. So now, for the ultimate theme wedding, your lovely bride can wear the team logo that you love near and dear to her...um...upper leg. Sexy ain't it?

They come in most NFL and NCAA team logos and colors, so if you're planning on getting married and are a couple that enjoys sports, uh, maybe think about it? Or not, really, you shouldn't, perhaps you should move on to another story.

From Unique Wedding Garters

Creepy Pedos Ruining Swim Meets

Three Newport Harbor, California boys were unknowingly photographed while at their water polo matches...and those photos have been posted all over the web on a bunch of different gay porn sites. The sites show several photos of non action shots of the boys in their speedo swimsuits, but no nude shots.

“The kids are being photographed for wearing normal water polo gear,” [coach Jason] Lynch said. “It’s not like they’re going out of their way to wear something racy. Water polo players wear Speedos.”

The sucky thing for the swimmers is that no one can do anything about it (note that pic isn't them, thats just for the ladies and gay men who read the site):

“Anybody can come to a public event and photograph it,” he said. “They’re public Web sites. They’re not making money off it.”

“It’s creepy,” [one of the players] said. “I guess there’s nothing you can do about it. I guess you should just keep your eye out to see if there’s a weird-looking guy or device taking your picture. If you see that, just report it.”

So yea, it is creepy, but how different is it than the people taking pictures of Allison Stokke? Is it just that much creepier because its a homosexual thing? Maybe because instead of their pictures being posted on a sports blog they are being posted on gay porn sites? I mean, either way its wrong and these high school students are being exploited for the sexual gratification of people who like to look at teenagers in skimpy athletic uniforms. Although that Allison Stokke is hot...wait, that is bad, I think, oh dear, time to go get another e-meter reading.

From Daily Pilot

Amateur Hour's Almost Over

It's ok. We all make mistakes. The important thing is that we learn from our errors and grow as a result of them. It's not as bad as you think it is. Who remembers that Tom Brady used to mess with Tara Reid? As far as most are concerned, that's all Kyle Boller and that's pretty much what you would expect from him.

Tony Romo's about to blow the whistle on his relationship with Jessica Simpson. Ok Magazine reports that Romo's been trying to break up with Simpson because he's sick of her shit but like a snap and the Giants defense, it's a bit harder than expected.

On Jan. 17, Tony called Jessica at her L.A. home to try to break things off. "He said he thought it was better if they went back to being friends," a pal of the singer tells OK!. "'Just friends' is not in Jessica's vocabulary, and she is not a victim. She knows how bad this will look in the media."

But according to the pal, Jessica refused to give up, and so Tony invited her on what he thought would be the worst date of her life: a hunting trip! "It's Tony's way of punishing Jess," laughs her friend. "Jessica Simpson hunting — and without her entourage? Forget it!"

But according to an insider,"Tony has finally started to realize how high-maintenance Jessica is," says her friend. "We're talking diva status. She comes with an entourage, and that includes her dad, Joe Simpson. What's not to love?"

Too bad he didn't pull a Dick Cheney on the hunting trip. We're sure this has nothing to do with her effect on his play or the pure hatred of the fans.


Regardless, one can only hope that he's decided to step his game up and quit messing with chickenheads. Brady seamlessly stepped up his game to the professional level by pulling actresses and Victoria's Secret models while leaving the chickenhead hoes like Britney, Jessica and Tara to neophytes like Romo and Matt Leinart. You want to be big time, you gotta roll big time. You're the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. Leave Simpson for guys like Cleo Lemon or Philip Rivers. Rivers would probably be happier than a pig in shit to go to the preview of Blonde Ambition 3 at the corner Blockbuster.

Dan Marino Sells High Class Wine At Publix

Dan Marino is selling some "premium" chardonnay, merlot and cabernet sauvignon wines that are going for $13 at Publix, local wine shops and his Dan Marino's Fine Food & Spirits which has several locations in Florida. Its called Vintage 13, you see, Dan wore number 13, so that's why its called Vintage 13 and is sold for 13 bucks. That, my friends, is good marketing there.

This is only the start for Marino Estates' venture into wine however, later this year Marino plans to nationally distribute a line of reserve wines at a $25 price tag. Maybe then he can get that wine into other fine drugstores like CVS or Walgreens!

Marino of course isn't the first former quarterback to have his own wine label, Joe Montana has done it too, and we need to somehow procure a bottle of this wine so that we can sample it and give a review. Without having tasted a bottle, the Deuce will just assume that the wine will have a sort of nutty smugness, with hints of fruitiness and a bitter aftertaste from lingering around too long.

The good news is that for each bottle sold, $1.25 will go to the Dan Marino Foundation to help children with chronic disorders. I dunno what chronic disorders specifically, but if some kid has one, buying this wine will apparently go to help them. If anyone can get their hands on this and wants to send one our way, email us here at the Deuce. We like to get drunk.

Via Miami Herald

Rappers Makin' Movies About Sports

Oh dear, it seems that Fred Durst is going to be directing Ice Cube in a new, yet to be titled "inspirational" sports film about the first female quarterback in Pop Warner history, "who with her teammates draws support from her uncle (Ice Cube) and members of their Illinois town when the team plays in the Pop Warner Super Bowl." My dear God...what hell hath we wrought people?

As if any Ice Cube movie could be worse than any movie he's made since the original Friday, he's got the former king of all douchebags Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit directing him in this feature. This has the makings of being one of the worst sports movies of all time, and I'm not using hyperbole here, I really am saying this movie might just be the worst sports movie of all time.

We all know the film credits of Ice Cube lately (XXX State of the Union, Are We There Yet?, Are We Done Yet?, Torque to name a few) and Fred Durst's directing, well, lets just hope its better than his singing (oh yea he directed this video...Jebus save us):

What The Blood Clot?

Maybe we should be happy that the Japanese spend their time coming up with crap like this instead of trying to take over the Pacific Rim. Getting slapped in the balls or bitten by a komodo dragon has to be way better than a death march. Too soon?

US Sports Fans Want To Buy A Team

In an idea similar to the Myfootballclub.uk's successful effort to purchase a European football club, some guys here in the good ole US of A are trying to gather sports fans together to purchase a professional sports franchise of any type. Its called Project Franchise and it wants sports fans of all types to give $5 bucks for a share in a sports team yet to be purchased. They aren't trying to buy a MLB, NBA, NFL, or NHL team yet, we all know those cost hundreds of millions of dollars, but they are trying to buy into a minor league baseball or hockey team, NBDL franchise, or Arena League team.

With your 5 bucks, you get a vote in the running of a professional sports team ("team name, colors, coaches and lineups all the way down to condiments at the concession stand"), which is pretty much every fan's dream, right? Seems pretty cheap to me but also just a little bit dangerous if they aren't careful because the British version wanted a donation of 70 bucks for 1 share and each person could have just 1 share so that block voting did not occur. Lets hope this rule exists here.

Also, they'll have to get tens of thousands of donations to get enough to purchase a team. 50,000 people with 5 dollar donations means just $250,000 and I wouldn't think that'd be enough, but what do I know.

We'll see if these guys can figure out these kinks as it goes, but right now they just want people to sign up for their mailing list if they are interested in the idea or there is a facebook group you can sign up with.

Its an interesting idea and we encourage you to sign up and see what happens, I mean, the worst thing is you get your 5 bucks back and you don't own a team. Nothing wrong with that.

From Project Franchise

LT's Playoff Glory Captured In Action Figure

Yes, that's right, you too can own a piece of NFL playoff history, immortalized in plastic, with McFarlane Toys LaDanian Tomlinson "sittin on tha bench scowling cause I cant play" action figure! Look at the detail in that scowl, the slight pout in the lips, he just wants to get in the game so bad, but that knee just won't let him! Get yours today Chargers fans!

From Toys R Us via Kissing Suzy Kolber (saw they had this after we posted)

The Constitutional Vol. " "

Here's some news and posts to help you get you through your day and the scariest urinal on the face of the earth...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• Friend of Deuce, Enrico from the 700 level gets profiled by Philadelphia Inquirer. Philadelphia Inquirer
  


• Canseco tried to blackmail Magglio Ordonez? Steroid Nation
  


• NHL thinking of expanding back to Canada? Food Court Lunch
  


• Aikman and Buck more than just broadcasting partners? The Legend of Cecilio Guante
  


• Participate in the Grudge Match of the Damned! Luol's Dong
  


• More fun with Tom Cruise. The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes
  


• Luke Walton admits he's playing like a bum. Press Enterprise
  


• The Cubs really messed up with their Fukudome ad campaign. With-Malice
  


• The sound of one leg breaking...God it looks like he got shot. We Are The Postmen
  


• Spanish football club wants you to pray a cow takes a dump on your land. Who Ate All The Pies
  


• Tiger Woods is OK with PGA drug testing. LA Daily News
  


• Live action Speed Racer film...oh man I hope the chimp is funny. Miami Herald
  

OJ Mayo Just Ended His Collegiate Career

Apparently OJ Mayo might have violated NCAA policy by accepting "complimentary" tickets from Carmelo Anthony for Monday's Nuggets/Lakers game at the Staples Center. The LA Times reports that:

NCAA bylaw 16.11.2.2.3 states that student-athletes may not receive "free or reduced-cost admission to professional athletics contests from professional sports organizations, unless such services also are available to the student body in general."

Whoops! OJ Mayo didn't do himself any good when asked for comment on his gratis $230 dollar seats,

Anthony made the offer of tickets at a party he hosted Sunday night, Mayo said.

"I was talking to him like, 'Man, you're out pretty late. You've got a game tomorrow against Kobe [Bryant],' " Mayo said. "He said, 'Nah it will be all right.' And then he asked, 'You want to come to the game?' And I was like, 'Sure.' "

Mayo said his seats for his first Lakers game were so good "I could talk to [television analyst] Reggie Miller and tease him about UCLA."

Well lets see, first Reggie Bush possibly could be ruining the football program's legacy after news he took improper benefits from prospective agents and now this happens to the USC basketball program, before they even get the chance to do anything of importance on the court.

Can USC keep its players from taking shit? How hard is it to tell these guys to "not take anything from anyone because you are being watched". I mean, its probably easy for some scrub on the offensive line or a 3rd string point guard to take something, but c'mon now, EVERYONE is watching OJ Mayo???

Granted, with all the hype that OJ Mayo has as a player his team is just 11-6 with a 2-3 conference record so far but at least he is averaging 19.7 points a game (with a team high 3.9 turnovers a game). So even with OJ performing as great as he can be, his teams stinks. Do they really need him messing up their tournament (NIT anyone?) & scholarship opportunities?

This season was just a way for him to jump to the pros without getting hurt anyway, so screw him. Kick his ass out and leave him to get drafted by the Timberwolves, that'l show his pampered ass somethin and maybe he'll start following the rules.

From LA Times

You Know How I Know The Patriots Are Gay?

I watched this video

The Constitutional Vol: "All The News Fit To Print"

Here's some news and posts to help you get you through your day...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• An amazing look back at the roots of video game football. Oh, how I love the electric football...100% Injury Rate @ Fan IQ
  


• David Delluci is not bitter about players using steroids AT ALL. Ohio.com
  


• The Astrodome is going to become a hotel? Houston Chronicle
  


• Hockey player turned figure skater wins medals and endures the scorn of all men. San Jose Mercury News
  


• The Return on Zubaz!! Food Court Lunch
  


• Even though we haven't made it lately, here's the new Blog Show. Mr. Irrelevant
  


• Long rant on hating columnists. Rumors and Rants
  


• The Cloverfield monster recaps American Gladiators. Cousins of Ron Mexico
  


• Larry wants to know, where is Tiki Barber now? Larry Brown Sports
  


• Tiki Barber answers that question with a flat, I don't care. NFL Guru
  


• MLB does not know that the Washington Nationals are in the National League. Scott Van Pelt Style
  


• History's worst NHL All Star Jerseys. Going Five Hole
  

Will Leitch's New Book Out Today

Will Leitch's new book God Save the Fan is out in stores TODAY and the Deuce encourages you to go out and buy the book. Either click at the bottom or just head to your local bookstore and find it. Will's done a lot for the Deuce while over at Deadspin so its only right that we return the favor and support him in this endeavor. Congrats Will, now the next big thing will be for all us bloggers to start writing actual literature. In most instances, that cannot be a good thing, in this instance however, it is good. Buy it, read it, love it.

Get the Book Here

It's All Hilal, Baby

Integrity is Job #1 at Manchester United. Throw enough money at them and they'll bring the whole team and lose if you want.

Man U took a shitload of money to travel to Saudi Arabia and play Al-Hilal in a testimonial match for Saudi international Sami al-Jaber. They ended up losing 3-2 in front of thousands of fans screaming like little girls. I only say like because women aren't allowed in the stadiums and it was reported that every Ronaldo touch "brought high-pitched screams from the Saudi supporters".

Oh that Roony is dreamy.

Either United got the payoff UNLV-style or there was no way Al-Hilal would be allowed to lose.

Referee Saad al-Kathery appeared determined to edge Al Hilal towards victory judging by his decision to award another penalty early in the second-half.

Nobody could understand the decision, least of the all the protesting Wayne Rooney, but Al Shalhob shot wide of goal to ensure that justice was done.

Well sometimes you gotta take one for the team like a prisoner of an Afghan warlord.

Since we did a shameless plug for a friend yesterday, we'll do it again and further damage our integrity. You know, speaking of halal, DC residents and visitors must try El Khartoum on the corner of Florida Ave. and 18th Street in Adams Morgan. I'm pretty sure your money won't be going towards more slaughter in Darfur. If it does, I've got massive amounts of tasty blood on my hands. Just don't tell Don Cheadle and George Clooney.

(In)Famous Bigots In Sport

Its the day after Martin Luther King Jr. day. A day where most Americans are not working like I was, otherwise this post would've been up on Monday. Nevertheless, since we at the Deuce love to do nothing but promote racial and social harmony, just like the good doctor King, and in light of the Kelly Tilghman scandal, lets take a look back at some of the sports worlds greatest bigoted members:

John Rocker

A man who if bigoted remarks were dollars, would be rich. In a Sports Illustrated interview Rocker went down the list. Lets start with Asians:

"Look! Look at this idiot! I guarantee you she's a Japanese woman." A beige Toyota is jerking from lane to lane. The woman at the wheel is white. "How bad are Asian women at driving?"

How about foreigners and homosexuals:

"Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing."

Don't forget about African Americans:

In passing, he calls an overweight black teammate "a fat monkey."

In a separate interview, he even said he has gone through more crap than Hank Aaron and Jackie Robinson:

"I've taken a lot of crap from a lot of people. Probably more than anybody in the history of this sport. I know Hank [Aaron] and Jackie [Robinson] took a good deal of crap, but I guarantee it wasn't for six years. I just keep thinking: How much am I supposed to take?”

But...ya know, its all cool now, he's dating a black woman.

Bobby Fischer

The old crazy chess player who died last week was also an anti-Semitic man describing Jews as "thieving, lying bastards" and he also hated America, the country as a whole. He cemented that hatred after September 11th stating that the whole country should be blown up. Curiously enough, he was Jewish himself. No one said being a bigot didn't mean you weren't filled with self-hate.

George Preston Marshall

The former owner of the Washington Redskins (yes, he did name the team) is widely considered to be a great innovator in the NFL...and widely to be considered the sport's biggest racist. While the rest of the NFL began signing black players in 1946 and drafting black players in 1949, Marshall held out until 1962 before signing a black player to the Washington Redskins. He is quoted as saying "We'll start signing Negroes when the Harlem Globetrotters start signing whites."

As a matter of fact, the only reason Marshall signed a black player was because Interior Secretary Stewart Udall issued an ultimatum to GPM saying that unless he signed a black player to the team, the government would revoke the Redskins' 30-year lease on the year-old D.C. (RFK) Stadium. Fortunately for the Redskins, the first black player that suited up for them was the great Bobby Mitchell...so, um, no harm no foul right? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Reggie White

The late great Reggie White, who on the football field was a terror, was even more frightening when he spoke. He has something fun to say about everyone!

"Homosexuality is a decision, it's not a race," White said. "People from all different ethnic backgrounds live in this lifestyle. But people from all different ethnic backgrounds also are liars and cheaters and malicious and back-stabbing."

White said he has thought about why God created different races. Each race has certain gifts, he said.

Blacks are gifted at worship and celebration, White said.

"If you go to a black church, you see people jumping up and down because they really get into it," he said.

Whites are good at organization, White said.

"You guys do a good job of building businesses and things of that nature, and you know how to tap into money," he said.

"Hispanics were gifted in family structure, and you can see a Hispanic person, and they can put 20, 30 people in one home."

The Japanese and other Asians are inventive, and "can turn a television into a watch," White said.

Indians are gifted in spirituality, he said.

"When you put all of that together, guess what it makes: It forms a complete image of God," White said.

Oh...my...God...stop talking!!

Tim Hardaway

Not too long ago, Tim Hardaway told everyone what he felt about homosexuals. Quite plainly, he didn't like them at all. Really, you should just watch it all here

Its amazing how far he sticks his foot down his throat. I didn't think a foot could go that far.

Gary Sheffield

How great is that old Sheff picture by the way? Priceless. Anyway, in a GQ article in 2007, Sheffield said that the reason there were so many Latino players in the majors is because they are easier to control than African Americans. Specifically he said:

I called it years ago. What I called is that you’re going to see more black faces, but there ain’t no English going to be coming out. … [It’s about] being able to tell [Latin players] what to do — being able to control them,” he told the magazine.

“Where I’m from, you can’t control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is. And that’s a person that you’re going to talk to with respect, you’re going to talk to like a man.

“These are the things my race demands. So, if you’re equally good as this Latin player, guess who’s going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys.”

This is quite the triple racist volley here because in making a racist remark he took down Latinos and Blacks with rash generalizations and he's actually calling the people who make roster decisions racist as well. Sheff is quite the complex (and racist) fellow.

Dusty Baker

In 2003 Dusty tried, in vain, to discuss biology and genetics with reporters and in doing so, set off a bit of firestorm in his comments:

"What I meant is that blacks and Latins take the heat better than most whites, and whites take the cold better than most blacks and Latins. That's it, pure and simple. Nothing deeper than that."
"It's easier for most Latin guys and it's easier for most minority people because most of us come from heat," Baker said. "You don't find too many brothers in New Hampshire and Maine and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. ... We were brought over here for the heat, right? Isn't that history? Weren't we brought over because we could take the heat?"

One has to wonder if a white manager said something like this, would he still be a manager in professional baseball? Dr. King would be proud.

Marge Schott

The former owner of the Cincinnati Reds got into a boatload of trouble for referring to her players Eric Davis and Dave Parker as "million-dollar niggers" and maintaining an unwritten team policy of not hiring blacks. Schott was also rumored to have kept an old Nazi swastika armband at her home and was once overheard saying "sneaky goddamn Jews are all alike."

To make matters worse, when Schott was trying to clear the air she stated the "million dollar niggers" comment was made in jest, but then stated that she felt that Adolf Hitler was initially good for Germany and didn't understand how the epithet "Jap" could be offensive.

Topping it all off, before an owner's conference call, Schott was overheard saying "I would never hire another nigger. I'd rather have a trained monkey working for me than a nigger."

A few years later Schott once again made statements favorable towards Adolf Hitler, whom she believed "was good in the beginning, but went too far." Then, later that same month, Schott was quoted in Sports Illustrated as speaking in a "cartoonish Japanese accent" while describing her meeting with the prime minister of Japan. She also said that she didn't like Asian-American kids "outdoing our kids" in high school.

Like John Rocker, Schott is also out of baseball, they would've made a great radio show if she didn't die from complications from smoking.

Al Campanis

Al Campanis was the general manager for the LA Dodgers up until he made his infamous remarks about African Americans on Nightline in 1987. Campanis said that blacks "may not have some of the necessities to be, let's say, a field manager, or, perhaps, a general manager" when asked why there weren't any African American gm's in the league. He later in the interview said that blacks are often poor swimmers "because they don't have the buoyancy." Dunno how that relates to managerial abilities, but hey, no one said bigots have to make sense!

Fuzzy Zoeller

'Nuff said.

(Note, Jimmy The Greek wasn't included just because he was a broadcaster and we could do a whole different article on broadcaster's racism. Also, Bill Romanowski was not included because while he did spit in a black players face & beat in a black player's face, I think he was so doped up on the 'roids that he would have done that to a player of any color. Finally, Ty Cobb was not included because, in the 5 minutes of research I have done, its kind of in question whether or not he actually was a racist, a horrible man yes, but a racist, maybe not so much. Look it up. Surprised me too.)

Scrabble Goes Hard Core

What do you get when you put a bunch of dorky, seemingly damn near autistic people in a room for 48 hours? No, not the next weapon of mass destruction, you get HARD CORE SCRABBLE!

Thats right, 75 scrabble players gathered last weekend at a Holiday Inn in Bloomington, Minnesota for a 48-hour Scrabble tournament for cash and national ranking. The winners in the three divisional matchups each received $500 and all of the tournament results will affect the player's national rankings for the Scrabble national championships in Orlando, Florida which has a $25,000 prize.

It does amaze me that a game like Scrabble which involves a great deal of thinking and strategy has a national championship with less prize money than, say, Beer Pong. That tells you where our priorities as a nation are these days...not that I am unhappy with this. Hooray beer!!

When Getting Your Shine On Goes Wrong

Watching the Wizards lose away to the Knicks last Tuesday surrounded by Knicks fans was bad enough. I was abused worse than Mr. Horton on Dudley about the Wizards' uniforms. You know, they were right. Seriously, what the hell is going on with these uniforms?

Who designed these uniforms? Whoever did it should be held criminally responsible. They make the Wizards look like a flamboyant Globetrotters opponent. Why don't they come out to the Pet Shop Boys' "New York City Boy"? Maybe they can change it to "Chocolate City Boy" to hold DC down. If that doesn't work, What Is Love is a solid fallback.

The way I see it there are three suspects: some daughter/granddaughter of Abe Pollin, some Project Runway reject and Mase.

The daughter of a senile, rich old man would have the ability to create something so gaudy. Pollin changed the name of the team from Bullets to Wizards so we know he's soft. A large cry rose and was instantly silenced in PG County when that happened. "Daddy, I don't like the uniforms. Can I make new ones?? I'll make them shiny and put lots of stars! Yay cookies!"

Some girl gave me the idea about Project Runway cause you know I don't watch that. Please believe me! Apparently the contestants have no idea how to make men's clothes. When they do, it's usually a disaster like when they tried to make a suit for Tiki Barber. I wouldn't know. You believe me, right?


My money's on one Mr. Mason Betha. How can you watch this and not figure that he had a hand in this debacle? Shiny clothes. Check. Cheesedick. Check. He has to be a prime suspect. You could easily see him rocking this uniform in a Bad Boy video. However it's rumored that he's now down with the G-Unit and I can't imagine Fiddy tolerating nonsense like this. The only way shiny and basketball work together (without jewelry or grills) is when the shine is on a platinum tank.

There's only one solution to this. Go back to Les Boulez stat. Bring back the red uniforms. Bring back the red, white and blue uniforms. Bring back the memories of John "Hot Plate" Williams, Never Nervous Pervis and Maunte Bol.

Picture Of The Day

The scousers should have seen this coming. All they had to do was take a look at how Hicks has wrecked the Texas Rangers. Two names: A-Rod and Chan Ho Park.

Hell he even admitted he's going to screw them on video (starting around 10:20).

The Weather Outside Is Frightful

Whoever set this up is one sick bastard and we salute him.



No kids or animals were seriously harmed.

Give Us Free: African Cup of Nations 2008

The African Cup of Nations is off to a flying start with some great goals and all the drama one would expect from the continent's major soccer tournament. For those not in the know, the ACN is the equivalent of the Euro which is being played this summer in Austria and Switzerland.

Check out my boy Glendon over at Football Roundtable for highlights and updates from Ghana including this wonder strike from Ghana's Sulley Muntari. Click on the second link in the post. You can also check it here.

Sorry to all non-NYC readers but this is need to know time. For those of you in New York, a friend of the Deuce has arranged for all the matches to be shown at Fiona's on the Upper East Side. Here's the info from the flier:

CAN 2008 EDITION, BEING HOSTED BY THE GATEWAY TO AFRICA - GHANA - CAN BE SEEN CONVENIENTLY AND INEXPENSIVELY! (TELL THE BOSS YOU HAVE AN ERRAND TO RUN, A PRESCRIPTION TO PICK-UP, JURY DUTY...ANY THING)! ESCAPE FROM THE DRUDGERY OF YOUR PROFESSIONAL - AND UNFORTUNATELY FOR SOME, PERSONAL - LIVES! LIKE CINQUE SAID: "GIVE US FREE" TO WATCH THESE GAMES!!!

JUST DON'T BE THE GUY - AND LASSIE OF COURSE - WHO HAS TO HEAR OTHERS DESCRIBE GAMES TO YOU AFTER THE FACT!!!!

ALL GAMES LIVE!!!AT THE WORLD FAMOUS FIONA'S (THEY OF THE SMASHING IRISH BREAKFASTS - BLOOD SAUSAGE, BANGERS, BEANS, BACON YUMMY)

GATHERING POINT FOR ESCAPEES: 1ST AVENUE BETWEEN 86TH AND 87TH STREETS

ESCAPE ROUTE: TAKE....the 4,5,6 trains at 86th & Lex to any MTA destinations

INFORMATION: 212-347-3783

FREEDOM TRAIN BOARDING: DOORS OPEN 30 MINUTES BEFORE KICK-OFF

GIFT TO MANAGEMENT: $10/head, and $5 Guinness drafts.

LIBATIONS TO GODS: GUINNESS, HEINEKEN, ALL DOMESTICS AND LOADS OF CURVACEOUS IMPORTS(BEERS THAT IS), SPIRITS, GUINNESS, GUINNESS AND....YEP, MORE GUINNESS!! BRILLIANT!

Mustafa will be rotating between Fiona's and Nevada's for the next month as American football is dead to him thanks to Brett Favre. A little known fact. The rates of domestic violence go up in Wisconsin on the days when the Packers lose. Last night was not a good night to be a child or woman in Wisconsin. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

There's Only Two Herschel Walkers

Herschel Walker's upcoming autobiography has plenty of stories about his football career. However it also has a "stunning" revelation. Walker cops to having Multiple Personality Disorder.

Teammates and former coaches were shocked as he showed no signs of being off or possessed.

"I'm probably one of his closest friends and that's news to me," said Frank Ros, a Coca-Cola executive who played linebacker and was captain of Georgia's 1980 national championship team. "I knew he was working on a book but I just thought it was about football. He does 100 things at once and always has projects going on but that blows me away."

Said his former coach, Vince Dooley: "That's all news to me. All I know is whatever personality he had when he had the football was the one I liked."

Sounds suspect if you ask us. He'll probably use this as an excuse for his play with the Vikings.

"You see what had happened was the Herschel who played with the Cowboys isn't the same as the Herschel that played with the Vikings. See George Foreman's boys. They're all named George but they're all different. It's the same with me 'cept all the Herschels are in my head!"

Oh, that probably offended someone. Whatever, damn this country's PC, puritanical streak. In England, there are so many good songs to sing mocking athlete's at their lowest points without Joe Buck or some other assclown screaming hysterically about the children and our virgin ears and eyes. Thank Jebus for soccer where that's not a consideration.

"We were here when you were one!"

From Atlanta Journal Constitution

Deez Nuts And Goldenballs

Just like peanuts and gum, together at last.

David Beckham and Snoop Dogg had so much fun learning about soccer and getting their Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles on. They've decided to take their relationship to the next level through their mutual love of chickenhead hoes and slippers.

"We are talking about making a slipper together," revealed the US rap star. "So when I stop rapping and he stops playing soccer we can kick back and slip on a house shoe."

Their mutual appreciation for the comfy footwear was established after the soccer ace made a guest appearance on Snoop's US reality show Father Hood. "I got David a pair of slippers as a present," says the Paid Tha Cost To Be Da Boss star. "He took a picture of himself wearing them and sent it to me. I said, 'They look cool!'."

And then he said, "Like totally, mate! Shall I rub your chin nuts?"

It's not clear that this would work. Does Beckham appreciate the simple South Central house shoes from the swap meet? They could expand into the mothball-infested house robes worn by junkies and Mafia dons. I don't see that selling in Paris and Milan. Essex and Detroit? Yes. This just seems like an idea destined for failure. Snoop's better off getting Goldenballs into the studio. Fire!

What's The Matter? You Burnin?

"Johnny, please report to the nurse's office. Your jumbo pack of Valtrex is here."

You have to feeling for the wrestling team at Gustine High. The principal might as well have called them up in front of the entire school to give them the mother of all cockpunches while he or she was at it after throwing them under the bus.

Gustine High officials announced to student and teachers that there was a herpes outbreak at the school. Word quickly spread that the wrestling team was hit by the outbreak.

An announcement was made over the school intercom informing students and teachers of a herpes outbreak.

...A recorded message was sent by phone to the students’ parents informing them of the outbreak at school. “That message did not single out or identify any individual or group of students who may have contacted or been exposed to the skin condition,” the school’s press release insisted.

...“We can’t walk down the hallway without someone yelling, ‘Herpes!’” said senior wrestler Zane Atkins. “Kids, teachers who usually shake our hand — they don’t want anything to do with us.”

One problem. The wrestlers didn't have the herp. One of them thought it might be herpes gladiatorum or staphylococcus aureus and it turned out to be the latter. However the school decided to go apeshit before the final results were gone and blow up the wrestler's spot.

The school denied leaking the fact that the wrestling team was involved but a school employee said that he saw a Spanish language version of the parental notice and the wrestling team was involved. Ay dios mio!

Now You're Out Of Table! Where Are You Going, Pal?

Things aren't so bueno for Miguel Tejada these days. He probably thought he was free and clear when he was traded from the Orioles to the Astros until he was named in the Mitchell Report.
Then the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee decided to look into whether he lied to federal investigators in 2005. As if that wasn't bad enough, his brother died in a motorcycle accident on Tuesday.

One would think that would be enough to deal with but we ain't even got started yet. It looks like the violent Olestra diarrhea is hitting the industrial fan. The FBI has initiated an investigation into Tejada and the Houston Chronicle reports that he could lose his green card.

Tejada, a native of the Dominican Republic, is a legal U.S. resident with a green card. Yet there are some instances in which he could be denied entry back into the country just by admitting he committed a crime for which he is being investigated.

"Obstruction of justice is considered under immigration law a crime involving moral turpitude," said attorney Alexandre Afanassiev, who practices immigration litigation. "So the question then becomes, how long did he have his green card? Why? Because the law says that if you had your green card for less than five years and then committed a crime of moral turpitude, you can be subject to deportation. In other words, they can take your green card away because of that crime and (have you) sent home."

One has to think Andy McPhail is hoping for deportation. It would make Orioles management look like geniuses until they trade Erik Bedard to the Cubs for a case of skunk Old Style and a lifetime supply of dogs from the Wiener's Circle. I would go for Burritoville (RIP) or Taco Burrito Palace #2.

Maybe Miggy can play for Los Aguilas de Mexicali and convinced Fernando Valenzuela to come back for one more year. So much for the B-12.

Your Dream Is Dead, Go Learn Golf

I was browsing through some NBA rosters the other day and it struck me that there were a lot of players wasting away on the bench that are of virtually no value whatsoever. They have long proven their lack of worth and really have no reason to be on an NBA team other than their mistakenly given massive contracts or as roster fodder. Surely these roster spots could be given to some young kid from the NBDL who has a chance and the desire to prove their worth in the NBA since these guys haven't? So, why are these 6 guys in the league still? Read mine and tell the Deuce who you think shouldn't be in the league.

Othella Harrington:
I have a soft spot for Othella since he played at Georgetown here in DC, but it has got to be time for the guy to hang up the shoes. He's played in just 8 games this year for the woeful Bobcats and hasn't had a good year since the 1999-2000 season. How has a guy with career averages of 7.5 points and 4.5 rebounds stuck around this long? He is a big man that doesn't even rebound? Why does someone want to employ this guy? Oh right, because he has 1 more year left on his deal after this one.

Shareef Abdur-Rahim:
Long gone are the days when Shareef was filling a stat line with 20/9/3 every night. The guy is 31 years old and has lost his shooting touch...as well as his ability to move like he used to. He's a jump shooting power forward with a bad shot and hasn't been able to even crack the 2nd rotation of the Kings. Sadly for the Kings, they still have to pay this stiff another 12.8 million for 2 more years to sit on their bench and rot.

Kevin Ollie:
Ollie was benched after 23 games last season when the Philadelphia 76ers realized he's old and cannot run the point anymore. Perhaps their first clue about this could have been in looking at his career statistics of pure crap. Ollie has a career apg of 2.4...and he's a pure point guard. Not much distribution of the ball there, eh Kev? Its not like he was jacking the ball up in the air or scoring a ton of baskets with his less than gaudy career average of 3.9 ppg. Sure he has been held back in his statistics with the fact that he has averaged 16 minutes per game for 11 seasons of basketball. I'm no general manager or scout but this guy seems to have never belonged in the NBA in the first place? Luckily, he's in the last year of his contract.

Eric Piatkowski:
The Phoenix Suns kept Eric around all year last year and didn't use him fore more than 11 games worth of garbage time, and for that, they picked up his contract for 1 more year. Amazingly enough, he's actually appeared in 9 games so far, and has done even less than he did last year. Piatkowski is 37 years old and is 5 years removed from his last meaningful season in the NBA, coincidentally this is his last year with the Clippers. Their taint went with him after he left. Poor guy. Must be nice to get paid over 1 million dollars to sit in the best seats in the arena every night and watch an amazing team like the Suns play ball. Yes, we all want to be Eric Piatkowski, he's like the Jim Sorgi or Matt Cassell of the NBA.

Lorenzen Wright:
The tread on Wright's tired wore out around his last year with Memphis in 2005-2006. In wisdom only the GM of the Atlanta Hawks could follow, this meant they should sign him to a 2 year contract. This, of course has blown up in their faces. This season Lorenzen has appeared in 9 games and has a total of, wait for it, 9 points. He did have one game this season where he played for nearly 30 minutes and dragged down 12 boards, but sadly for him, that has not been duplicated. It was a quick fall for Lorenzen, he should exit the league even quicker.

Pat Garrity:
Was Pat Garrity ever good? Well, he did have a couple decent years for the Magic, but since the 2002-2003 season, he has been suck in a can for the Magic. He's got wrecked knees and he can no longer do one the thing he was particularly adept at...that is shoot the ball. He has averaged 2.2 points this year and last year and around 4.7 the two years before that. Would you believe that he banked over 7 million dollars for this season and last season combined? This guy took the money and just stopped running. I think it is time the Magic let go of their boy Pat.

There are many more than just these 6 guys so, I open it up to the readers, who else doesn't belong in the league anymore?

Every Other City We Go, Every Other Video

Cristiano Ronaldo sees the same hoes. For a soccer player who's revered for his good looks and dubious crossover, he sure loves himself some hookers.

Ronaldo's already been busted for having hookers over to his place to welcome recent Manchester United signings Nani and Anderson. Now it looks like he's been busted again for jetting off to Rome for some NICE!

Ronaldo shot down to Rome right after United's win over Aston Villa and headed straight for the red light district.

The star's night of disgrace began with his visit to Rome's notorious Divafutura Channel club. Inside the dimly-lit basement punters are hustled to buy hostesses £120 bottles of champagne as brazen performers-who charge £35 for private lapdances—strip on a podium.

...A source at the strip joint told us: "Ronaldo and a pal arranged for two girls to go to his hotel after leaving the club.

"They PAID for sex with the girls then SWAPPED over so they could bed BOTH of them."

Getting a brace in Rome and then a hat trick against Newcastle this past weekend shows that Ronaldo's at the top of his form. He's well on his way to Footballer of the Year.

All In The Family

There's just something about these English football families. From the Bartons to the Pennants, there's a bond which you just don't get over here except with the Vicks.

Let's meet the Pennants. The best known Pennant is Jermaine who's known for his lackadaisical play for Liverpool and his criminal record which includes being arrested for drunk driving and giving the police the name of his Arsenal teammate Ashley Cole. He was also arrested for smacking his bitch up.

Now where would he learn these nasty habits. Enter dad Gary Pennant. News of the World discovered that Gary is the proud owner of a crack and heroin den in Nottingham, England.

"Crack" investigators were able to buy crack and heroin from Gary after working their way into his lair of temptation.

On Thursday our undercover investigators got inside his dingy two-storey lair. Dreadlocked pusher Pennant, 43, sold them three rocks of crack and a wrap of heroin, then bragged:

"It's top sh**. See for yourself. Just let me know if you need any more, you're safe!"

But safety is his last concern. Our team watched in shock as Pennant's dad INJECTED heroin into a call-girl customer then used the SAME needle on himself.

Meanwhile three men were upstairs having sex, all at the same time, with another hooker out of her head on drugs.

A Jamaican henchman called Tee told us: "Drugs, gang-bangs, anything you like goes here. It's cool. If you want to take one of the bitches you can.

Gary Pennant's crib sounds like the Carter Apartments. You can just see him jumping up and yelling at Tee, "Sit yo five dollar ass down before I make change!"


The paper reports Jermaine is still close with his dad. If that's the case, it's amazing he's managed to get in as little trouble as he has so far. He must be a huge disappointment to his pops.

Vai Sikahema, Your Next Boxing Superstar

Vai Sikahema works at Philadelphia's NBC 10 as its sports director, has a good job and a good life after his NFL playing days, but his life will not be complete until he gets into the ring and gets his head knocked off by a boxer.

Vai is chronicling his attempt to get back into shape and get into the ring for an actual boxing match on January 19th against 37 year old David Cruise. Cruise is a former University of Iowa martial arts team member specializing in Tae Kwan Do and currently does some radio work. This, does not sound good for the former NFL running back/return man.

Dude is 45 years old and only boxed when he was a teenager and he's going up against a man who is nearly 10 years younger and was on his college's martial arts team. This has disaster written all over it. For what you ask? Let Vai tell you himself:

"'Why?' my wife has asked numerous times over the past month.Well, because I'm curious. That's all, just curious. And frankly, I think it'll be fun. That's it -- no hidden agenda, just curiosity and fun."

Well that makes sense. I, too, am a curious sort who likes to have fun, but never in my mind did I think that getting the shit beat out of me would be entertaining for myself. In fact, I generally feel quite the opposite about it. This is almost like right out of fight club or something. Someone has to get some video of this fight for us. You know where to send it. (mail [at] deuceofdavenport [dot] com).

From NBC 10 Philadelphia

HS Students Fight Fire With Fetuses

Swimmers at the Roosevelt High School in Des Moines, Iowa are suspected of retaliation by fetus from a snowball attack after one of their swim meets. The swim team is being investigated for stealing pig fetuses from the science department and "decorating" their rival's cars with them.

Lord knows what kind of repercussions these students face for this because in the age of zero tolerance, one has to figure this won't be taken lightly. Its a shame though, this seems like a perfectly harmless prank. I mean, its human nature to escalate a battle. One day its snowballs, the next day pig fetuses, the next day you disembowel a cow over the coaches car. Seems logical to me.

I hope the principal takes it easy on these kids because the Deuce approves of these actions. We thank them for giving us the chance to use the words pig fetus in a post.

From Political Gateway

Road Bowling: The New Old Sport

Just grab a couple balls and go. The Irish are not to be outdone with stupid sports, they have one of their own, Irish Road Bowling. This is a game played with a couple 28oz cannonballs and a road, not even a straight road, just a road. The object is to throw the ball from the predetermined start of the course to the end of the predetermined end of the course in the fewest number of throws. Basically, you go from the start of the road to the end of the road with as little throws as possible.

Its sorta like golf, more like Frisbee golf, only unlike those Scottish and English wankers, they use a cannonball and asphalt because, well, the Irish are hard-core like that. I was told about it this past weekend at my favorite drinking establishment here in DC and it was news to me that this existed. Personally I find it fantastic, but if you want to see its awesomeness in video form, check out this roadbowler displaying how to properly bowl the ball. The man is a force.

You can play Irish Road Bowling here in the states but you might want to find a road where you wont get hit by a car. A couple groups have organized themselves in West Virginia and New York if you really want to get your organized activity Jones going. Get your balls ready, its time to play.

The Expected Unexpected In NFL Playoffs

Saturday, the expected happened. The Patriots toppled the Jaguars in a hard fought (Joe Gibbs term) battle in Foxboro. Most everyone expected that their opponent in the conference championship game would be the Colts who should've had no problem with the San Diego Chargers on Sunday. Most everyone was wrong when the Chargers, who lost LT in the 2nd quarter and Phillip Rivers later in the game, snuck away with a win at Indy with some solid defense and huge contributions from back-up players.

Also on Saturday, the expected happened when the Green Bay Packers dismantled the Seattle Seahawks in classic Green Bay weather, a heavy snow and plenty of cold and wind. Most everyone expected that their opponent in the conference championship game would the the Dallas Cowboys who should've had no problem with the New York Giants on Sunday. TO was playing, it is a home game, no problem right? Wrong, Eli Manning (of all people) had a great game with no mistakes and the defense stepped up in the 2nd half, disrupting Tony Romo greatly, and allowing only a field goal for Dallas in the 3rd quarter. New York beats Dallas, Romo is 0-2 as a quarterback in the playoffs and T.O. cries after the game:

The unexpected should always be expected in the NFL. All Norv Turner haters, myself included, are scared to find out that a Norv Turner team made it to the conference championship. In addition to this development, most Eli Manning haters are frightened that he is in a conference championship game, especially with Tom Coughlin as his head coach. Tiki Barber must be crying in his dockers pants right now that he retired because his former team, and the next season they are a game away from the Super Bowl. All of this of course means there is a tear in the fabric of the universe somewhere and we are all certainly about to die. You should be afraid. Yes, Armageddon is upon us people but first, we have 1 more round of playoffs to go before the Super Bowl.

San Diego at New England and New York at Green Bay...this doesn't leave much drama I don't think. With weather being a huge factor, it has got to be Green Bay vs New England, dont you think? You know this guy wants to show the kid how its done.

The Constitutional Vol. "And Then There Were 4"

Hella fun NFL playoffs weekend, all sorts of fun NBA games going on and we could use more stories to link to. Thanks for the links we do have though, we'll share what we can to spread the blog wealth around. But, don't forget, you people who don't have blogs already can also share stories with us, we're lazy, its tough to search around for crap. Hook us up and we'll hook you up...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• If you missed what happened this weekend, look no further than to Don at With Malice to give you a weekend wrapup. With-Malice
  


• Even world class pianists are juicing, what has the world come to? Steroid Nation
  


• Terry Bradshaw's daughter is actually sorta good looking, yet eerily reminds me of Terry Bradshaw. I feel dirty. On 205th
  


• Mark Schlereth would sell his own bodily organs on his website if he could. Scott Van Pelt Style
  


• Beautiful Game dug up a video of Freddy Adu that is pretty interesting. No, he doesn't admit he's actually 28 years old. The Beautiful Game
  


• An Amazing Revalation...Wolf on American Gladiator is a spitting image of Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. Luol's Dong
  


• Some good TV Sports Theme Songs...but where is the Wide World of Sports? Damn I am old. The Sports Flow
  


• A Friday Night Lights Battle Royale. Rumors and Rants
  


• Even Joakim's teammates hate him. This whole living thing isnt going well for the guy, he should do something about it. Larry Brown Sports
  


• Burly Sports Show is back. Burly Sports
  


• Fan taunts player at hockey game without saying a word. FanIQ
  

Terrell Owens Only Wants To Talk To This Gal

Really, who wouldn't want to talk to Ines Sainz, a former Miss Spain? Watch the video here where TO is hiding behind a curtain, avoiding all reporters until he spots this Latin beauty, calls her over, and gives her an "interview". Hilarious. He seems in a good mood, i'm guessing he'll play this weekend.

And because she's hot, here's one more pic of her:

Thanks to Fox Dallas via MachoChip

Super Giant Russian Boxer Back In The Press

Do you remember Russian Heavyweight and former WBA Heavyweight title holder Nicolay Valuev? No? Maybe? Well think hard, you may remember Valuev as the 7'1" giant that beat John Ruiz for the Heavyweight boxing title back in 2005. He never actually made it big here in the states, but that's not stopping him from acting like American boxers do while over in his homeland.

Valuev was just ordered by St. Petersburg’s Kalininsky district civil court to pay 130,000 rubles ($5,320) in compensation to a security guard at the Spartak sports complex which for beating the 60 year old guard all upside his head over a dispute with Valuev's wife's car. Valuyev also has to pay 100,000 rubles in “moral damages” to the guard, Yury Sergeyev, and 30,000 rubles in fines.

The Beast from the East doesn't stop there though. He's gone Hollywood out in the former Eastern Bloc and has wrapped a yet to be released movie entitled "Stone Head" (Kamennaya Bashka) by director Fillipp Yankovsky. The director says he's a natural and that he showed range in playing an athlete and someone who struggles with being a giant. That had to be a HUGE stretch for Valuev for sure.

So lets see, 7'1" athletic freak, championship boxing title, assault, battery, making movies...how did this guy not make it in the states? Surely his stunning good looks and lumpy head had nothing to do with it? WWE needs a new Russian villain, they should look this guy up. He's a freakin natural

From St. Petersburg Times

Pat Sajak Is Just A Squirrel Trying To Get A Nut

Too late. Chuck Woolery has the biggest ones of all. Not only did he host Love Connection, dance and kick ass on New Zoo Revue but he also fishes the fuck out of a pond.

Pat might as well form a support group with Magic Johnson and Chevy Chase. It's Chuck's world, bitches.

All of Tom Brady's TD Passes in 2007 Season

This might be the longest video we've ever posted here on the Deuce. At a whopping 25 minutes, here is every one of Tom Brady's 50 touchdown passes thrown this season. While the Deuce hates feeding the Tom Brady media machine, this is a pretty good, albeit long, video. Sit back and relax, enjoy the show...oh, and Tom Brady can go to hell. There, I feel better. Don't you?

UPDATE: Looks like someone took down that video, so here it is again, only broken up into 3 bite sized parts.

Who Shot Who In The What Now

Now I may not be some hotshot trial lawyer like Jackie Chiles but I do have the sense that I'd probably have a better strategy than telling my client to pretend he doesn't speak English. Then again that's probably why I'm not one.

Andy Pettitte was impressed enough with the strategy to hire Jay Reisinger. Reisinger represented Sammy Sosa during the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform hearings. If you remember, Sosa forgot that he spoke English. It was pretty damn funny but effective enough to stymie the hacks that inhabit the House of Representatives. Pettitte will probably have a harder time convincing the committee members that he doesn't speak English but perhaps we give them too much credit.

Chuck Knoblauch should have an easier time defending himself. Unless he was trying to peg Keith Olbermann's mother, he's proof that steroids don't necessarily make one a better player. He should get together with all the named Orioles and demand an apology.

The Constitutional Vol. "Linkage Extraordinaire"

And the links keep rolling...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• A veritable pity party for Brady Quinn. Rumors And Rants
  


• I can't agree with this more, Shut up Roger! I'm Writing Sports
  


• Since everyone was all about the Jordan XX3's here's some other shoes you might want to check out. Bayareakicks
  


• ESPN cannot get enough of David Garrard's colon. Signal to Noise
  


• Brooks has discovered The Dunkometer. Sports By Brooks
  


• Kid getting nailed in the head with a baseball. Ahhh little league memories. We Are The Postmen
  


• LSU Fans are classy. Fortress of Pillows
  


• The most uncomfortable PSA I've seen. 700 Level
  


• The History of the Harlem Globetrotters. PBS
  

New Jordan Shoes Just As Ugly As The Rest

The new Jordan XX3's are set to be released this month and what is going on with that pattern on these shoes? They look like they have one of those "3-D" image posters that you're supposed to stare at for an hour while somehow relaxing your eyes just to see a lame T-Rex jumping out at you on em. Truthfully, I don't know anyone who actually wears the Jordan brand of shoe anymore. Long gone are the days when kids were skipping school and lining up at the store to get the new Jordan's for the year. At this point, these shoes are for the collectors and completionists out there that have the other 22 Air Jordans that Michael Jordan and Nike have made over the years.

Who really wants to wear a sneaker of a recently divorced, womanizing, deadbeat father, front office mismanaging, shell of an athlete with a massive gambling addiction who hasn't played a game in 5 years where when he did play SUCKED HORRIBLY AND WAS RUN OUT OF TOWN? Anyone? Anyone? I don't see anyone lining up for the new Isiah Thomas' or the new Billy King's showing up at Foot Locker anywhere so why is there another Jordan shoe?

Also, who in their right mind would drop $230 dollars ($185 dollars for the national release edition) on a sneaker and then actually wear it anyway? I just dropped $65 bucks on an $85 running shoe at DSW and I am afraid to wear those outside because I cannot imagine the horror of running down their treads let alone a scuff or tear on those suckers.

Nike needs to stop, they've exploited Jordan's name long enough to finally make his 23rd edition of the shoe brand. Let's hope its the last...and someone bring back British Knights while we're at it, their commercials were dope.

China's Olympic Committee Has Thought of Everything

China believes it takes a highly trained individual to be an Olympic medal presenter for the Beijing Olympics. They take it so seriously that they have developed a program for young girls to train for this arduous task.

At these schools, young girls must wear high heeled shoes for hours at a time, smile pretty much all day and balance books on their heads to improve posture along with studying etiquette and English. Sounds tough huh? Well the competition is tougher, there are only 380 spots available for this coveted position and they only accept girls who are at least 5'4" and "not too heavy" so they could "fit into the uniforms provided".

"This is a huge opportunity for them. The Olympics will put them in front of the world's audience and lead to a life-time of fortune,"

The perfect smile consists of showing only the top 8 teeth and looks nothing like this...

USA! USA!! USA!!!

From Yahoo Sports

The Constitutional Vol. "Back So Soon?"

People love links. Who are we to disappoint? How about that comeback by Hilary yesterday, huh? That was about as stunning as when Buffalo came back against the Oilers after being down 35-3. On that quick note...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• Jorge Sedano has his own Politics and Sports Mash-up. Well done sir, we'll make a blogger out of you yet. Sedano Show
  


• 100% Injury Rate is done and is going mainstream headed to FanIQ. The Deuce shall miss one of our favorite sites out there but we wish nothing but the best for WCK and shall keep reading his stuff on the new site. 100% Injury Rate now at FanIQ Blog
  


• Just when you thought the "Leave ---- Alone" series had jumped the shark, here comes Roger Clemens. Part Mule
  


• What Kelly Tilghman should've said instead of "lynching Tiger". Rumors and Rants
  


• God I miss Dimebag...so do some people in Dallas. Can't Stop The Bleeding
  


• The Czech's were badass in Nintendo's "Ice Hockey". My Brain Says Rage
  


• Just created...the Tony Allen Face. The Basketball Jones
  


• Gary Payton rapping for Sega's ill fated Dreamcast. You Been Blinded
  


• Finally, for you DC citizens, here's an update on the Poplar Point developments (including a DC United stadium). Bisnow
  

Two Cents on Gibbs Resignation

Here at the Deuce we love the legend of Joe Gibbs, but as with most legends, the stories are better than the actual truth. The truth is, in Gibbs reincarnation as a head coach, he was largely unsuccessful. He was still a good motivator, he's made as many good personnel moves as he made atrocious ones, but he never figured out time management or the NFL's replay system and for a guy who was once considered one of those NFL offensive "geniuses", his system turned out to be dated and predictable in the modern NFL. His 4 year win/loss totals ended with an unimpressive 30-34 and two lackluster appearances in the playoffs as a wild card.

Joe Gibbs did give the Redskins a couple things they have not had for a long time though, consistency and leadership. Sure it was consistent mediocrity, but there was no massive shuffling of coaches or players in his 4 years here as head coach. The one big change was the implementation of Al Saunders offense, which possibly could be one of the best moves Joe made here in his time with the Redskins. The last four games of the season, the league saw that when their players are healthy, the offense can be effective and possibly still quite prolific.

As for leadership, I think its safe to say the Redskins players over the last four years have never had a coach that inspired them more than Joe Gibbs had. They played for him like they never wanted to let him down. They battled through injuries for him, they crawled into the playoffs twice for him, they learned from him what it takes to be a football player and what it means to be a Redskin. He instilled within them the organizational pride that had not existed since the 80s and one can only hope that will be his legacy here in his second term as head coach.

Joe Gibbs leaving it is a bit sad but he's left the team with a possible franchise quarterback and a solid defense for the next head coach to build from. Unfortunately he's also left them with an aging offensive line, salary cap issues, and wide receivers that scare no one. The best thing that Redskins fans can possibly hope from Gibbs' departure is that Dan Snyder will finally hire a general manager to pick the players and set a new organizational mission for the next head coach. No more of this Coach/gm/president business, the rest of the league realizes this rarely works, and hopefully Danno has figured it out as well (after much trial and error).

In all, Gibbs 2.0 was not a failure [but it wasn't a resounding success either]. While the Redskins didn't make the Super Bowl in his four seasons, Gibbs leadership formed a team identity that had not existed for a long time in Washington and taught his players how to play football the right way and the Redskins way...even if he didn't always make the right decisions himself.

My Prediction For The Election? Kane! Part II

Ah we meant to get the Democrats the day after we did the Republicans but a BBQ coma from Hill Country slowed me down like Mark Foley on eHarmony.com. Zing. In the meantime, several candidates on both sides have dropped out which makes part of what we were going to do moot. We'll do the most of the field from before the Iowa caucus anyway.

So if you remember Wonkette reported that WWE wrestler Kane endorsed Ron Paul for President. That got us wondering who the candidates would get to endorse them from the world of sports. You can find the Republicans here.

Dennis Kucinich - Spud Webb/Mugsey Bogues

There's a reason Tom Cruise demands small co-stars and elevator shoes. He doesn't want anyone else to steal the spotlight from him. The same goes for a political endorsement. Dennis Kucinich needs the endorsement of someone with similar stature. Spud Webb and Mugsey Bogues match up rather well. Webb and Bogues were able to overcome their height disadvantages to succeed in the NBA. Kucinich...well he didn't pull a MLK and overcome in the election but he definitely married out of his league so he's got that and only that going for him which is nice.

Bill Richardson - Isiah Thomas

Bill Richardson, Isiah Thomas and success go together like peanuts and gum. It's not clear how they continue to get so many chances when they fuck up as often as they do. No one understands fucking up golden opportunities like Isiah. He destroyed the CBA, failed with a solid Pacers team and made the Knicks an international laughingstock. The UN thinks they're beyond help and they're in Lebanon and Kosovo.

Bill's also a notorious assgrabber. If there's one thing Isiah's good at, it's grab ass. Just ask Anucha.

By the way, this should be his campaign song.

Joseph Biden - Ozzie Guillen

Talk about two people who most will agree actually have experience that doesn't include being married to someone with experience. They would probably get much further in life if they knew when to shut the fuck up.

Hillary Clinton - Brenda Warner

Conspiracy theorist? Check. Neurotic? Check. Sense of Entitlement? Check. All Hillary needs is a more butch haircut, a tacky blouse and she's good to go.

Hillary's panic attack campaigning over the past weeks reminds one of her conspiracy theory protestations during the Clinton I reign. If Bill played for the Skins, it would be easy to see her call up Sportstalk 980 to bitch out the Sports Reporters for calling out her man.

It's also rumored that Pokey Chatman is leaning her way but that's another story.

John Edwards - Scott Boras

Forget the stump speeches about poverty and his daddy working in some sort of mill. John Edwards will say whatever he has to win although he's an amateur compared to Mitt Romney who would probably sell his wife to an Albanian human trafficker if it meant New Hampshire.

While he was a trial lawyer, he had no hesitation about using his deceased son in a closing argument. He and his wife Elizabeth refer to his "electability. Read: I'm not black or a woman. He also has no time for gays.

Scott Boras will do anything for a buck including lie to his clients. They're a match made in heaven.

Barack Obama - Howard Cosell's Ghost/Jim Brown

No one supported a black frontrunner like Howard Cosell. Just ask Muhammad Ali. "Look at that little monkey run! For president!" Then again he might want to keep Cosell's ghost under wrap. He needs that African-American vote in South Carolina and Rev. Jesse's already stuck up for Edwards.

Obama needs to go for someone with undeniable street cred. Enter Jim Brown. He played lacrosse and football. He was in the Dirty Dozen and I'm Gonna Git You Sucka. He's got mass appeal. He even did one of the first interracial love scenes with Raquel Welch in 100 Rifles and got all Shawn Kempish with Michael Jackson's girlfriend from the Thriller video. Let's not even forget The Running Man.

Brown is the man that said "Make sure when anyone tackles you he remembers how much it hurts." Those are words to live and run by.

Chris Dodd - Eh.....

Vick Not the First NFL Player Sentenced To Leavenworth

Everyone knows Michael Vick left Virginia on Monday and headed out to Leavenworth Prison in Kansas to carry out his drug treatment program. Did you know, however, that he is not the first NFL player to be incarcerated in Leavenworth? Let us go into the wayback machine and remember the infamous Bam Morris.

Byron "Bam" Morris had numerous scrapes with the law, but the biggest was in 2000 when Bam pleaded guilty to federal drug trafficking. He admitted attempting to distribute more than 220 pounds of marijuana in the Kansas City area between Jan. 1, 1998, and May 10, 2000. He was sent to Leavenworth and served his sentence, being released two years later, but those two years were no picnic in federal "pound you in the ass" prison says Bam,

"The federal is like a Cadillac where you have televisions, phones, air conditioning," said Morris. "You watch movies on the weekends. The only thing you are missing is your freedom. You have longer visiting hours."

But another fact of life in prison was that Morris was a target because he was a celebrity.

"I had guys wanting to fight me. I had to fight," said Morris. "People wanted to fight me because I was an ex-football player. They told me I lost them money in the Super Bowl. They were fighting me over that. Others told me how stupid I was. I always had to defend myself."

Boy, Vick might want to watch out, there have to be a ton of people in the prison that lost a lot of money on him over the years. I know i lost a few bucks on that poor excuse for a quarterback. Anyway, after Leavenworth Bam was convicted of violating his parole of a previous plea bargain in Texas and was sent to jail again, getting released in 2004.

But who says there are no second chances after Leavenworth? According to Bam's Wikipedia page,

"In January of 2006, Morris was signed by the Orlando Predators of the Arena Football League. The NFL reinstated his eligibility as a player on January 13, 2006. Morris quit Predators training camp the following day stating that he hoped to win a contract with an NFL team. A mere two months later, on March 9, 2006, Morris signed with the Katy Copperheads of the National Indoor Football League."

So see, it might not be too long before we see Vick follow in Bam's footsteps and, at the very least, play some fun Arena ball...just as long as he doesn't get the crap kicked out of him in jail.

The Constitutional Vol. "Bowl Game Hangover"

With the NCAA football all wrapped up in a tidy little bow, there wasn't much going on for us to find, so we're gonna fire at you a link dump of stuff that others wrote to make up for our shortcomings. Yea, we know, we're a bit lazy sometimes. Maybe if people would send us stuff to write about we could actually post a bit more! Yea, that's right, i'm callin you out!! Anyway...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• Rose Bowl float volunteer tells of his harrowing day. Broowaha
  


• Help Sidney Pointer get in touch with Gilbert Arenas! Gilbert where are you?? Scott Van Pelt Style
  


• Ex-FBI Agent says Clements act is "shaky". Daily News
  


• Dan Snyder seems to ruin everything he touches these days. City Desk
  


• Redskins Radio guy Bram Weinstein thinks sound definitely was piped into the Seahawks stadium. Covering the Redskins
  


• American Gladiators that didn't make the cut. Kissing Suzy Kolber
  


• Whoops...liar. More Credible
  


• Hockey players can be quite limber. Going Five Hole
  


• NBA 1st quarter grades...i think? With-Malice
  

This Guy Makes Bobby Knight Look Sane

Roller Derby is a contact sport, but who knew that sometimes the coaches get into the game. Check this footage out, this coach is not happy with the outcome of the game and goes ballistic at the end of the match. This is straight out of WWE.

You Know You Don't Want This

But we're gonna give it to you anyway. Here's Floyd Mayweather...sorry Money's video Yep.



I can't wait for the Larry Holmes/Evander Holyfield duo debut as Mumblefuck.