Will Leitch's New Book Out Today

Will Leitch's new book God Save the Fan is out in stores TODAY and the Deuce encourages you to go out and buy the book. Either click at the bottom or just head to your local bookstore and find it. Will's done a lot for the Deuce while over at Deadspin so its only right that we return the favor and support him in this endeavor. Congrats Will, now the next big thing will be for all us bloggers to start writing actual literature. In most instances, that cannot be a good thing, in this instance however, it is good. Buy it, read it, love it.

Get the Book Here

It's All Hilal, Baby

Integrity is Job #1 at Manchester United. Throw enough money at them and they'll bring the whole team and lose if you want.

Man U took a shitload of money to travel to Saudi Arabia and play Al-Hilal in a testimonial match for Saudi international Sami al-Jaber. They ended up losing 3-2 in front of thousands of fans screaming like little girls. I only say like because women aren't allowed in the stadiums and it was reported that every Ronaldo touch "brought high-pitched screams from the Saudi supporters".

Oh that Roony is dreamy.

Either United got the payoff UNLV-style or there was no way Al-Hilal would be allowed to lose.

Referee Saad al-Kathery appeared determined to edge Al Hilal towards victory judging by his decision to award another penalty early in the second-half.

Nobody could understand the decision, least of the all the protesting Wayne Rooney, but Al Shalhob shot wide of goal to ensure that justice was done.

Well sometimes you gotta take one for the team like a prisoner of an Afghan warlord.

Since we did a shameless plug for a friend yesterday, we'll do it again and further damage our integrity. You know, speaking of halal, DC residents and visitors must try El Khartoum on the corner of Florida Ave. and 18th Street in Adams Morgan. I'm pretty sure your money won't be going towards more slaughter in Darfur. If it does, I've got massive amounts of tasty blood on my hands. Just don't tell Don Cheadle and George Clooney.

(In)Famous Bigots In Sport

Its the day after Martin Luther King Jr. day. A day where most Americans are not working like I was, otherwise this post would've been up on Monday. Nevertheless, since we at the Deuce love to do nothing but promote racial and social harmony, just like the good doctor King, and in light of the Kelly Tilghman scandal, lets take a look back at some of the sports worlds greatest bigoted members:

John Rocker

A man who if bigoted remarks were dollars, would be rich. In a Sports Illustrated interview Rocker went down the list. Lets start with Asians:

"Look! Look at this idiot! I guarantee you she's a Japanese woman." A beige Toyota is jerking from lane to lane. The woman at the wheel is white. "How bad are Asian women at driving?"

How about foreigners and homosexuals:

"Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing."

Don't forget about African Americans:

In passing, he calls an overweight black teammate "a fat monkey."

In a separate interview, he even said he has gone through more crap than Hank Aaron and Jackie Robinson:

"I've taken a lot of crap from a lot of people. Probably more than anybody in the history of this sport. I know Hank [Aaron] and Jackie [Robinson] took a good deal of crap, but I guarantee it wasn't for six years. I just keep thinking: How much am I supposed to take?”

But...ya know, its all cool now, he's dating a black woman.

Bobby Fischer

The old crazy chess player who died last week was also an anti-Semitic man describing Jews as "thieving, lying bastards" and he also hated America, the country as a whole. He cemented that hatred after September 11th stating that the whole country should be blown up. Curiously enough, he was Jewish himself. No one said being a bigot didn't mean you weren't filled with self-hate.

George Preston Marshall

The former owner of the Washington Redskins (yes, he did name the team) is widely considered to be a great innovator in the NFL...and widely to be considered the sport's biggest racist. While the rest of the NFL began signing black players in 1946 and drafting black players in 1949, Marshall held out until 1962 before signing a black player to the Washington Redskins. He is quoted as saying "We'll start signing Negroes when the Harlem Globetrotters start signing whites."

As a matter of fact, the only reason Marshall signed a black player was because Interior Secretary Stewart Udall issued an ultimatum to GPM saying that unless he signed a black player to the team, the government would revoke the Redskins' 30-year lease on the year-old D.C. (RFK) Stadium. Fortunately for the Redskins, the first black player that suited up for them was the great Bobby Mitchell...so, um, no harm no foul right? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Reggie White

The late great Reggie White, who on the football field was a terror, was even more frightening when he spoke. He has something fun to say about everyone!

"Homosexuality is a decision, it's not a race," White said. "People from all different ethnic backgrounds live in this lifestyle. But people from all different ethnic backgrounds also are liars and cheaters and malicious and back-stabbing."

White said he has thought about why God created different races. Each race has certain gifts, he said.

Blacks are gifted at worship and celebration, White said.

"If you go to a black church, you see people jumping up and down because they really get into it," he said.

Whites are good at organization, White said.

"You guys do a good job of building businesses and things of that nature, and you know how to tap into money," he said.

"Hispanics were gifted in family structure, and you can see a Hispanic person, and they can put 20, 30 people in one home."

The Japanese and other Asians are inventive, and "can turn a television into a watch," White said.

Indians are gifted in spirituality, he said.

"When you put all of that together, guess what it makes: It forms a complete image of God," White said.

Oh...my...God...stop talking!!

Tim Hardaway

Not too long ago, Tim Hardaway told everyone what he felt about homosexuals. Quite plainly, he didn't like them at all. Really, you should just watch it all here

Its amazing how far he sticks his foot down his throat. I didn't think a foot could go that far.

Gary Sheffield

How great is that old Sheff picture by the way? Priceless. Anyway, in a GQ article in 2007, Sheffield said that the reason there were so many Latino players in the majors is because they are easier to control than African Americans. Specifically he said:

I called it years ago. What I called is that you’re going to see more black faces, but there ain’t no English going to be coming out. … [It’s about] being able to tell [Latin players] what to do — being able to control them,” he told the magazine.

“Where I’m from, you can’t control us. You might get a guy to do it that way for a while because he wants to benefit, but in the end, he is going to go back to being who he is. And that’s a person that you’re going to talk to with respect, you’re going to talk to like a man.

“These are the things my race demands. So, if you’re equally good as this Latin player, guess who’s going to get sent home? I know a lot of players that are home now can outplay a lot of these guys.”

This is quite the triple racist volley here because in making a racist remark he took down Latinos and Blacks with rash generalizations and he's actually calling the people who make roster decisions racist as well. Sheff is quite the complex (and racist) fellow.

Dusty Baker

In 2003 Dusty tried, in vain, to discuss biology and genetics with reporters and in doing so, set off a bit of firestorm in his comments:

"What I meant is that blacks and Latins take the heat better than most whites, and whites take the cold better than most blacks and Latins. That's it, pure and simple. Nothing deeper than that."
"It's easier for most Latin guys and it's easier for most minority people because most of us come from heat," Baker said. "You don't find too many brothers in New Hampshire and Maine and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. ... We were brought over here for the heat, right? Isn't that history? Weren't we brought over because we could take the heat?"

One has to wonder if a white manager said something like this, would he still be a manager in professional baseball? Dr. King would be proud.

Marge Schott

The former owner of the Cincinnati Reds got into a boatload of trouble for referring to her players Eric Davis and Dave Parker as "million-dollar niggers" and maintaining an unwritten team policy of not hiring blacks. Schott was also rumored to have kept an old Nazi swastika armband at her home and was once overheard saying "sneaky goddamn Jews are all alike."

To make matters worse, when Schott was trying to clear the air she stated the "million dollar niggers" comment was made in jest, but then stated that she felt that Adolf Hitler was initially good for Germany and didn't understand how the epithet "Jap" could be offensive.

Topping it all off, before an owner's conference call, Schott was overheard saying "I would never hire another nigger. I'd rather have a trained monkey working for me than a nigger."

A few years later Schott once again made statements favorable towards Adolf Hitler, whom she believed "was good in the beginning, but went too far." Then, later that same month, Schott was quoted in Sports Illustrated as speaking in a "cartoonish Japanese accent" while describing her meeting with the prime minister of Japan. She also said that she didn't like Asian-American kids "outdoing our kids" in high school.

Like John Rocker, Schott is also out of baseball, they would've made a great radio show if she didn't die from complications from smoking.

Al Campanis

Al Campanis was the general manager for the LA Dodgers up until he made his infamous remarks about African Americans on Nightline in 1987. Campanis said that blacks "may not have some of the necessities to be, let's say, a field manager, or, perhaps, a general manager" when asked why there weren't any African American gm's in the league. He later in the interview said that blacks are often poor swimmers "because they don't have the buoyancy." Dunno how that relates to managerial abilities, but hey, no one said bigots have to make sense!

Fuzzy Zoeller

'Nuff said.

(Note, Jimmy The Greek wasn't included just because he was a broadcaster and we could do a whole different article on broadcaster's racism. Also, Bill Romanowski was not included because while he did spit in a black players face & beat in a black player's face, I think he was so doped up on the 'roids that he would have done that to a player of any color. Finally, Ty Cobb was not included because, in the 5 minutes of research I have done, its kind of in question whether or not he actually was a racist, a horrible man yes, but a racist, maybe not so much. Look it up. Surprised me too.)

Scrabble Goes Hard Core

What do you get when you put a bunch of dorky, seemingly damn near autistic people in a room for 48 hours? No, not the next weapon of mass destruction, you get HARD CORE SCRABBLE!

Thats right, 75 scrabble players gathered last weekend at a Holiday Inn in Bloomington, Minnesota for a 48-hour Scrabble tournament for cash and national ranking. The winners in the three divisional matchups each received $500 and all of the tournament results will affect the player's national rankings for the Scrabble national championships in Orlando, Florida which has a $25,000 prize.

It does amaze me that a game like Scrabble which involves a great deal of thinking and strategy has a national championship with less prize money than, say, Beer Pong. That tells you where our priorities as a nation are these days...not that I am unhappy with this. Hooray beer!!

When Getting Your Shine On Goes Wrong

Watching the Wizards lose away to the Knicks last Tuesday surrounded by Knicks fans was bad enough. I was abused worse than Mr. Horton on Dudley about the Wizards' uniforms. You know, they were right. Seriously, what the hell is going on with these uniforms?

Who designed these uniforms? Whoever did it should be held criminally responsible. They make the Wizards look like a flamboyant Globetrotters opponent. Why don't they come out to the Pet Shop Boys' "New York City Boy"? Maybe they can change it to "Chocolate City Boy" to hold DC down. If that doesn't work, What Is Love is a solid fallback.

The way I see it there are three suspects: some daughter/granddaughter of Abe Pollin, some Project Runway reject and Mase.

The daughter of a senile, rich old man would have the ability to create something so gaudy. Pollin changed the name of the team from Bullets to Wizards so we know he's soft. A large cry rose and was instantly silenced in PG County when that happened. "Daddy, I don't like the uniforms. Can I make new ones?? I'll make them shiny and put lots of stars! Yay cookies!"

Some girl gave me the idea about Project Runway cause you know I don't watch that. Please believe me! Apparently the contestants have no idea how to make men's clothes. When they do, it's usually a disaster like when they tried to make a suit for Tiki Barber. I wouldn't know. You believe me, right?


My money's on one Mr. Mason Betha. How can you watch this and not figure that he had a hand in this debacle? Shiny clothes. Check. Cheesedick. Check. He has to be a prime suspect. You could easily see him rocking this uniform in a Bad Boy video. However it's rumored that he's now down with the G-Unit and I can't imagine Fiddy tolerating nonsense like this. The only way shiny and basketball work together (without jewelry or grills) is when the shine is on a platinum tank.

There's only one solution to this. Go back to Les Boulez stat. Bring back the red uniforms. Bring back the red, white and blue uniforms. Bring back the memories of John "Hot Plate" Williams, Never Nervous Pervis and Maunte Bol.

Picture Of The Day

The scousers should have seen this coming. All they had to do was take a look at how Hicks has wrecked the Texas Rangers. Two names: A-Rod and Chan Ho Park.

Hell he even admitted he's going to screw them on video (starting around 10:20).

The Weather Outside Is Frightful

Whoever set this up is one sick bastard and we salute him.



No kids or animals were seriously harmed.

Give Us Free: African Cup of Nations 2008

The African Cup of Nations is off to a flying start with some great goals and all the drama one would expect from the continent's major soccer tournament. For those not in the know, the ACN is the equivalent of the Euro which is being played this summer in Austria and Switzerland.

Check out my boy Glendon over at Football Roundtable for highlights and updates from Ghana including this wonder strike from Ghana's Sulley Muntari. Click on the second link in the post. You can also check it here.

Sorry to all non-NYC readers but this is need to know time. For those of you in New York, a friend of the Deuce has arranged for all the matches to be shown at Fiona's on the Upper East Side. Here's the info from the flier:

CAN 2008 EDITION, BEING HOSTED BY THE GATEWAY TO AFRICA - GHANA - CAN BE SEEN CONVENIENTLY AND INEXPENSIVELY! (TELL THE BOSS YOU HAVE AN ERRAND TO RUN, A PRESCRIPTION TO PICK-UP, JURY DUTY...ANY THING)! ESCAPE FROM THE DRUDGERY OF YOUR PROFESSIONAL - AND UNFORTUNATELY FOR SOME, PERSONAL - LIVES! LIKE CINQUE SAID: "GIVE US FREE" TO WATCH THESE GAMES!!!

JUST DON'T BE THE GUY - AND LASSIE OF COURSE - WHO HAS TO HEAR OTHERS DESCRIBE GAMES TO YOU AFTER THE FACT!!!!

ALL GAMES LIVE!!!AT THE WORLD FAMOUS FIONA'S (THEY OF THE SMASHING IRISH BREAKFASTS - BLOOD SAUSAGE, BANGERS, BEANS, BACON YUMMY)

GATHERING POINT FOR ESCAPEES: 1ST AVENUE BETWEEN 86TH AND 87TH STREETS

ESCAPE ROUTE: TAKE....the 4,5,6 trains at 86th & Lex to any MTA destinations

INFORMATION: 212-347-3783

FREEDOM TRAIN BOARDING: DOORS OPEN 30 MINUTES BEFORE KICK-OFF

GIFT TO MANAGEMENT: $10/head, and $5 Guinness drafts.

LIBATIONS TO GODS: GUINNESS, HEINEKEN, ALL DOMESTICS AND LOADS OF CURVACEOUS IMPORTS(BEERS THAT IS), SPIRITS, GUINNESS, GUINNESS AND....YEP, MORE GUINNESS!! BRILLIANT!

Mustafa will be rotating between Fiona's and Nevada's for the next month as American football is dead to him thanks to Brett Favre. A little known fact. The rates of domestic violence go up in Wisconsin on the days when the Packers lose. Last night was not a good night to be a child or woman in Wisconsin. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

There's Only Two Herschel Walkers

Herschel Walker's upcoming autobiography has plenty of stories about his football career. However it also has a "stunning" revelation. Walker cops to having Multiple Personality Disorder.

Teammates and former coaches were shocked as he showed no signs of being off or possessed.

"I'm probably one of his closest friends and that's news to me," said Frank Ros, a Coca-Cola executive who played linebacker and was captain of Georgia's 1980 national championship team. "I knew he was working on a book but I just thought it was about football. He does 100 things at once and always has projects going on but that blows me away."

Said his former coach, Vince Dooley: "That's all news to me. All I know is whatever personality he had when he had the football was the one I liked."

Sounds suspect if you ask us. He'll probably use this as an excuse for his play with the Vikings.

"You see what had happened was the Herschel who played with the Cowboys isn't the same as the Herschel that played with the Vikings. See George Foreman's boys. They're all named George but they're all different. It's the same with me 'cept all the Herschels are in my head!"

Oh, that probably offended someone. Whatever, damn this country's PC, puritanical streak. In England, there are so many good songs to sing mocking athlete's at their lowest points without Joe Buck or some other assclown screaming hysterically about the children and our virgin ears and eyes. Thank Jebus for soccer where that's not a consideration.

"We were here when you were one!"

From Atlanta Journal Constitution

Deez Nuts And Goldenballs

Just like peanuts and gum, together at last.

David Beckham and Snoop Dogg had so much fun learning about soccer and getting their Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles on. They've decided to take their relationship to the next level through their mutual love of chickenhead hoes and slippers.

"We are talking about making a slipper together," revealed the US rap star. "So when I stop rapping and he stops playing soccer we can kick back and slip on a house shoe."

Their mutual appreciation for the comfy footwear was established after the soccer ace made a guest appearance on Snoop's US reality show Father Hood. "I got David a pair of slippers as a present," says the Paid Tha Cost To Be Da Boss star. "He took a picture of himself wearing them and sent it to me. I said, 'They look cool!'."

And then he said, "Like totally, mate! Shall I rub your chin nuts?"

It's not clear that this would work. Does Beckham appreciate the simple South Central house shoes from the swap meet? They could expand into the mothball-infested house robes worn by junkies and Mafia dons. I don't see that selling in Paris and Milan. Essex and Detroit? Yes. This just seems like an idea destined for failure. Snoop's better off getting Goldenballs into the studio. Fire!

What's The Matter? You Burnin?

"Johnny, please report to the nurse's office. Your jumbo pack of Valtrex is here."

You have to feeling for the wrestling team at Gustine High. The principal might as well have called them up in front of the entire school to give them the mother of all cockpunches while he or she was at it after throwing them under the bus.

Gustine High officials announced to student and teachers that there was a herpes outbreak at the school. Word quickly spread that the wrestling team was hit by the outbreak.

An announcement was made over the school intercom informing students and teachers of a herpes outbreak.

...A recorded message was sent by phone to the students’ parents informing them of the outbreak at school. “That message did not single out or identify any individual or group of students who may have contacted or been exposed to the skin condition,” the school’s press release insisted.

...“We can’t walk down the hallway without someone yelling, ‘Herpes!’” said senior wrestler Zane Atkins. “Kids, teachers who usually shake our hand — they don’t want anything to do with us.”

One problem. The wrestlers didn't have the herp. One of them thought it might be herpes gladiatorum or staphylococcus aureus and it turned out to be the latter. However the school decided to go apeshit before the final results were gone and blow up the wrestler's spot.

The school denied leaking the fact that the wrestling team was involved but a school employee said that he saw a Spanish language version of the parental notice and the wrestling team was involved. Ay dios mio!

Now You're Out Of Table! Where Are You Going, Pal?

Things aren't so bueno for Miguel Tejada these days. He probably thought he was free and clear when he was traded from the Orioles to the Astros until he was named in the Mitchell Report.
Then the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee decided to look into whether he lied to federal investigators in 2005. As if that wasn't bad enough, his brother died in a motorcycle accident on Tuesday.

One would think that would be enough to deal with but we ain't even got started yet. It looks like the violent Olestra diarrhea is hitting the industrial fan. The FBI has initiated an investigation into Tejada and the Houston Chronicle reports that he could lose his green card.

Tejada, a native of the Dominican Republic, is a legal U.S. resident with a green card. Yet there are some instances in which he could be denied entry back into the country just by admitting he committed a crime for which he is being investigated.

"Obstruction of justice is considered under immigration law a crime involving moral turpitude," said attorney Alexandre Afanassiev, who practices immigration litigation. "So the question then becomes, how long did he have his green card? Why? Because the law says that if you had your green card for less than five years and then committed a crime of moral turpitude, you can be subject to deportation. In other words, they can take your green card away because of that crime and (have you) sent home."

One has to think Andy McPhail is hoping for deportation. It would make Orioles management look like geniuses until they trade Erik Bedard to the Cubs for a case of skunk Old Style and a lifetime supply of dogs from the Wiener's Circle. I would go for Burritoville (RIP) or Taco Burrito Palace #2.

Maybe Miggy can play for Los Aguilas de Mexicali and convinced Fernando Valenzuela to come back for one more year. So much for the B-12.

Your Dream Is Dead, Go Learn Golf

I was browsing through some NBA rosters the other day and it struck me that there were a lot of players wasting away on the bench that are of virtually no value whatsoever. They have long proven their lack of worth and really have no reason to be on an NBA team other than their mistakenly given massive contracts or as roster fodder. Surely these roster spots could be given to some young kid from the NBDL who has a chance and the desire to prove their worth in the NBA since these guys haven't? So, why are these 6 guys in the league still? Read mine and tell the Deuce who you think shouldn't be in the league.

Othella Harrington:
I have a soft spot for Othella since he played at Georgetown here in DC, but it has got to be time for the guy to hang up the shoes. He's played in just 8 games this year for the woeful Bobcats and hasn't had a good year since the 1999-2000 season. How has a guy with career averages of 7.5 points and 4.5 rebounds stuck around this long? He is a big man that doesn't even rebound? Why does someone want to employ this guy? Oh right, because he has 1 more year left on his deal after this one.

Shareef Abdur-Rahim:
Long gone are the days when Shareef was filling a stat line with 20/9/3 every night. The guy is 31 years old and has lost his shooting touch...as well as his ability to move like he used to. He's a jump shooting power forward with a bad shot and hasn't been able to even crack the 2nd rotation of the Kings. Sadly for the Kings, they still have to pay this stiff another 12.8 million for 2 more years to sit on their bench and rot.

Kevin Ollie:
Ollie was benched after 23 games last season when the Philadelphia 76ers realized he's old and cannot run the point anymore. Perhaps their first clue about this could have been in looking at his career statistics of pure crap. Ollie has a career apg of 2.4...and he's a pure point guard. Not much distribution of the ball there, eh Kev? Its not like he was jacking the ball up in the air or scoring a ton of baskets with his less than gaudy career average of 3.9 ppg. Sure he has been held back in his statistics with the fact that he has averaged 16 minutes per game for 11 seasons of basketball. I'm no general manager or scout but this guy seems to have never belonged in the NBA in the first place? Luckily, he's in the last year of his contract.

Eric Piatkowski:
The Phoenix Suns kept Eric around all year last year and didn't use him fore more than 11 games worth of garbage time, and for that, they picked up his contract for 1 more year. Amazingly enough, he's actually appeared in 9 games so far, and has done even less than he did last year. Piatkowski is 37 years old and is 5 years removed from his last meaningful season in the NBA, coincidentally this is his last year with the Clippers. Their taint went with him after he left. Poor guy. Must be nice to get paid over 1 million dollars to sit in the best seats in the arena every night and watch an amazing team like the Suns play ball. Yes, we all want to be Eric Piatkowski, he's like the Jim Sorgi or Matt Cassell of the NBA.

Lorenzen Wright:
The tread on Wright's tired wore out around his last year with Memphis in 2005-2006. In wisdom only the GM of the Atlanta Hawks could follow, this meant they should sign him to a 2 year contract. This, of course has blown up in their faces. This season Lorenzen has appeared in 9 games and has a total of, wait for it, 9 points. He did have one game this season where he played for nearly 30 minutes and dragged down 12 boards, but sadly for him, that has not been duplicated. It was a quick fall for Lorenzen, he should exit the league even quicker.

Pat Garrity:
Was Pat Garrity ever good? Well, he did have a couple decent years for the Magic, but since the 2002-2003 season, he has been suck in a can for the Magic. He's got wrecked knees and he can no longer do one the thing he was particularly adept at...that is shoot the ball. He has averaged 2.2 points this year and last year and around 4.7 the two years before that. Would you believe that he banked over 7 million dollars for this season and last season combined? This guy took the money and just stopped running. I think it is time the Magic let go of their boy Pat.

There are many more than just these 6 guys so, I open it up to the readers, who else doesn't belong in the league anymore?

Every Other City We Go, Every Other Video

Cristiano Ronaldo sees the same hoes. For a soccer player who's revered for his good looks and dubious crossover, he sure loves himself some hookers.

Ronaldo's already been busted for having hookers over to his place to welcome recent Manchester United signings Nani and Anderson. Now it looks like he's been busted again for jetting off to Rome for some NICE!

Ronaldo shot down to Rome right after United's win over Aston Villa and headed straight for the red light district.

The star's night of disgrace began with his visit to Rome's notorious Divafutura Channel club. Inside the dimly-lit basement punters are hustled to buy hostesses £120 bottles of champagne as brazen performers-who charge £35 for private lapdances—strip on a podium.

...A source at the strip joint told us: "Ronaldo and a pal arranged for two girls to go to his hotel after leaving the club.

"They PAID for sex with the girls then SWAPPED over so they could bed BOTH of them."

Getting a brace in Rome and then a hat trick against Newcastle this past weekend shows that Ronaldo's at the top of his form. He's well on his way to Footballer of the Year.

All In The Family

There's just something about these English football families. From the Bartons to the Pennants, there's a bond which you just don't get over here except with the Vicks.

Let's meet the Pennants. The best known Pennant is Jermaine who's known for his lackadaisical play for Liverpool and his criminal record which includes being arrested for drunk driving and giving the police the name of his Arsenal teammate Ashley Cole. He was also arrested for smacking his bitch up.

Now where would he learn these nasty habits. Enter dad Gary Pennant. News of the World discovered that Gary is the proud owner of a crack and heroin den in Nottingham, England.

"Crack" investigators were able to buy crack and heroin from Gary after working their way into his lair of temptation.

On Thursday our undercover investigators got inside his dingy two-storey lair. Dreadlocked pusher Pennant, 43, sold them three rocks of crack and a wrap of heroin, then bragged:

"It's top sh**. See for yourself. Just let me know if you need any more, you're safe!"

But safety is his last concern. Our team watched in shock as Pennant's dad INJECTED heroin into a call-girl customer then used the SAME needle on himself.

Meanwhile three men were upstairs having sex, all at the same time, with another hooker out of her head on drugs.

A Jamaican henchman called Tee told us: "Drugs, gang-bangs, anything you like goes here. It's cool. If you want to take one of the bitches you can.

Gary Pennant's crib sounds like the Carter Apartments. You can just see him jumping up and yelling at Tee, "Sit yo five dollar ass down before I make change!"


The paper reports Jermaine is still close with his dad. If that's the case, it's amazing he's managed to get in as little trouble as he has so far. He must be a huge disappointment to his pops.

Vai Sikahema, Your Next Boxing Superstar

Vai Sikahema works at Philadelphia's NBC 10 as its sports director, has a good job and a good life after his NFL playing days, but his life will not be complete until he gets into the ring and gets his head knocked off by a boxer.

Vai is chronicling his attempt to get back into shape and get into the ring for an actual boxing match on January 19th against 37 year old David Cruise. Cruise is a former University of Iowa martial arts team member specializing in Tae Kwan Do and currently does some radio work. This, does not sound good for the former NFL running back/return man.

Dude is 45 years old and only boxed when he was a teenager and he's going up against a man who is nearly 10 years younger and was on his college's martial arts team. This has disaster written all over it. For what you ask? Let Vai tell you himself:

"'Why?' my wife has asked numerous times over the past month.Well, because I'm curious. That's all, just curious. And frankly, I think it'll be fun. That's it -- no hidden agenda, just curiosity and fun."

Well that makes sense. I, too, am a curious sort who likes to have fun, but never in my mind did I think that getting the shit beat out of me would be entertaining for myself. In fact, I generally feel quite the opposite about it. This is almost like right out of fight club or something. Someone has to get some video of this fight for us. You know where to send it. (mail [at] deuceofdavenport [dot] com).

From NBC 10 Philadelphia

HS Students Fight Fire With Fetuses

Swimmers at the Roosevelt High School in Des Moines, Iowa are suspected of retaliation by fetus from a snowball attack after one of their swim meets. The swim team is being investigated for stealing pig fetuses from the science department and "decorating" their rival's cars with them.

Lord knows what kind of repercussions these students face for this because in the age of zero tolerance, one has to figure this won't be taken lightly. Its a shame though, this seems like a perfectly harmless prank. I mean, its human nature to escalate a battle. One day its snowballs, the next day pig fetuses, the next day you disembowel a cow over the coaches car. Seems logical to me.

I hope the principal takes it easy on these kids because the Deuce approves of these actions. We thank them for giving us the chance to use the words pig fetus in a post.

From Political Gateway

Road Bowling: The New Old Sport

Just grab a couple balls and go. The Irish are not to be outdone with stupid sports, they have one of their own, Irish Road Bowling. This is a game played with a couple 28oz cannonballs and a road, not even a straight road, just a road. The object is to throw the ball from the predetermined start of the course to the end of the predetermined end of the course in the fewest number of throws. Basically, you go from the start of the road to the end of the road with as little throws as possible.

Its sorta like golf, more like Frisbee golf, only unlike those Scottish and English wankers, they use a cannonball and asphalt because, well, the Irish are hard-core like that. I was told about it this past weekend at my favorite drinking establishment here in DC and it was news to me that this existed. Personally I find it fantastic, but if you want to see its awesomeness in video form, check out this roadbowler displaying how to properly bowl the ball. The man is a force.

You can play Irish Road Bowling here in the states but you might want to find a road where you wont get hit by a car. A couple groups have organized themselves in West Virginia and New York if you really want to get your organized activity Jones going. Get your balls ready, its time to play.

The Expected Unexpected In NFL Playoffs

Saturday, the expected happened. The Patriots toppled the Jaguars in a hard fought (Joe Gibbs term) battle in Foxboro. Most everyone expected that their opponent in the conference championship game would be the Colts who should've had no problem with the San Diego Chargers on Sunday. Most everyone was wrong when the Chargers, who lost LT in the 2nd quarter and Phillip Rivers later in the game, snuck away with a win at Indy with some solid defense and huge contributions from back-up players.

Also on Saturday, the expected happened when the Green Bay Packers dismantled the Seattle Seahawks in classic Green Bay weather, a heavy snow and plenty of cold and wind. Most everyone expected that their opponent in the conference championship game would the the Dallas Cowboys who should've had no problem with the New York Giants on Sunday. TO was playing, it is a home game, no problem right? Wrong, Eli Manning (of all people) had a great game with no mistakes and the defense stepped up in the 2nd half, disrupting Tony Romo greatly, and allowing only a field goal for Dallas in the 3rd quarter. New York beats Dallas, Romo is 0-2 as a quarterback in the playoffs and T.O. cries after the game:

The unexpected should always be expected in the NFL. All Norv Turner haters, myself included, are scared to find out that a Norv Turner team made it to the conference championship. In addition to this development, most Eli Manning haters are frightened that he is in a conference championship game, especially with Tom Coughlin as his head coach. Tiki Barber must be crying in his dockers pants right now that he retired because his former team, and the next season they are a game away from the Super Bowl. All of this of course means there is a tear in the fabric of the universe somewhere and we are all certainly about to die. You should be afraid. Yes, Armageddon is upon us people but first, we have 1 more round of playoffs to go before the Super Bowl.

San Diego at New England and New York at Green Bay...this doesn't leave much drama I don't think. With weather being a huge factor, it has got to be Green Bay vs New England, dont you think? You know this guy wants to show the kid how its done.

The Constitutional Vol. "And Then There Were 4"

Hella fun NFL playoffs weekend, all sorts of fun NBA games going on and we could use more stories to link to. Thanks for the links we do have though, we'll share what we can to spread the blog wealth around. But, don't forget, you people who don't have blogs already can also share stories with us, we're lazy, its tough to search around for crap. Hook us up and we'll hook you up...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• If you missed what happened this weekend, look no further than to Don at With Malice to give you a weekend wrapup. With-Malice
  


• Even world class pianists are juicing, what has the world come to? Steroid Nation
  


• Terry Bradshaw's daughter is actually sorta good looking, yet eerily reminds me of Terry Bradshaw. I feel dirty. On 205th
  


• Mark Schlereth would sell his own bodily organs on his website if he could. Scott Van Pelt Style
  


• Beautiful Game dug up a video of Freddy Adu that is pretty interesting. No, he doesn't admit he's actually 28 years old. The Beautiful Game
  


• An Amazing Revalation...Wolf on American Gladiator is a spitting image of Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. Luol's Dong
  


• Some good TV Sports Theme Songs...but where is the Wide World of Sports? Damn I am old. The Sports Flow
  


• A Friday Night Lights Battle Royale. Rumors and Rants
  


• Even Joakim's teammates hate him. This whole living thing isnt going well for the guy, he should do something about it. Larry Brown Sports
  


• Burly Sports Show is back. Burly Sports
  


• Fan taunts player at hockey game without saying a word. FanIQ
  

Terrell Owens Only Wants To Talk To This Gal

Really, who wouldn't want to talk to Ines Sainz, a former Miss Spain? Watch the video here where TO is hiding behind a curtain, avoiding all reporters until he spots this Latin beauty, calls her over, and gives her an "interview". Hilarious. He seems in a good mood, i'm guessing he'll play this weekend.

And because she's hot, here's one more pic of her:

Thanks to Fox Dallas via MachoChip

Super Giant Russian Boxer Back In The Press

Do you remember Russian Heavyweight and former WBA Heavyweight title holder Nicolay Valuev? No? Maybe? Well think hard, you may remember Valuev as the 7'1" giant that beat John Ruiz for the Heavyweight boxing title back in 2005. He never actually made it big here in the states, but that's not stopping him from acting like American boxers do while over in his homeland.

Valuev was just ordered by St. Petersburg’s Kalininsky district civil court to pay 130,000 rubles ($5,320) in compensation to a security guard at the Spartak sports complex which for beating the 60 year old guard all upside his head over a dispute with Valuev's wife's car. Valuyev also has to pay 100,000 rubles in “moral damages” to the guard, Yury Sergeyev, and 30,000 rubles in fines.

The Beast from the East doesn't stop there though. He's gone Hollywood out in the former Eastern Bloc and has wrapped a yet to be released movie entitled "Stone Head" (Kamennaya Bashka) by director Fillipp Yankovsky. The director says he's a natural and that he showed range in playing an athlete and someone who struggles with being a giant. That had to be a HUGE stretch for Valuev for sure.

So lets see, 7'1" athletic freak, championship boxing title, assault, battery, making movies...how did this guy not make it in the states? Surely his stunning good looks and lumpy head had nothing to do with it? WWE needs a new Russian villain, they should look this guy up. He's a freakin natural

From St. Petersburg Times

Pat Sajak Is Just A Squirrel Trying To Get A Nut

Too late. Chuck Woolery has the biggest ones of all. Not only did he host Love Connection, dance and kick ass on New Zoo Revue but he also fishes the fuck out of a pond.

Pat might as well form a support group with Magic Johnson and Chevy Chase. It's Chuck's world, bitches.

All of Tom Brady's TD Passes in 2007 Season

This might be the longest video we've ever posted here on the Deuce. At a whopping 25 minutes, here is every one of Tom Brady's 50 touchdown passes thrown this season. While the Deuce hates feeding the Tom Brady media machine, this is a pretty good, albeit long, video. Sit back and relax, enjoy the show...oh, and Tom Brady can go to hell. There, I feel better. Don't you?

UPDATE: Looks like someone took down that video, so here it is again, only broken up into 3 bite sized parts.

Who Shot Who In The What Now

Now I may not be some hotshot trial lawyer like Jackie Chiles but I do have the sense that I'd probably have a better strategy than telling my client to pretend he doesn't speak English. Then again that's probably why I'm not one.

Andy Pettitte was impressed enough with the strategy to hire Jay Reisinger. Reisinger represented Sammy Sosa during the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform hearings. If you remember, Sosa forgot that he spoke English. It was pretty damn funny but effective enough to stymie the hacks that inhabit the House of Representatives. Pettitte will probably have a harder time convincing the committee members that he doesn't speak English but perhaps we give them too much credit.

Chuck Knoblauch should have an easier time defending himself. Unless he was trying to peg Keith Olbermann's mother, he's proof that steroids don't necessarily make one a better player. He should get together with all the named Orioles and demand an apology.

The Constitutional Vol. "Linkage Extraordinaire"

And the links keep rolling...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• A veritable pity party for Brady Quinn. Rumors And Rants
  


• I can't agree with this more, Shut up Roger! I'm Writing Sports
  


• Since everyone was all about the Jordan XX3's here's some other shoes you might want to check out. Bayareakicks
  


• ESPN cannot get enough of David Garrard's colon. Signal to Noise
  


• Brooks has discovered The Dunkometer. Sports By Brooks
  


• Kid getting nailed in the head with a baseball. Ahhh little league memories. We Are The Postmen
  


• LSU Fans are classy. Fortress of Pillows
  


• The most uncomfortable PSA I've seen. 700 Level
  


• The History of the Harlem Globetrotters. PBS
  

New Jordan Shoes Just As Ugly As The Rest

The new Jordan XX3's are set to be released this month and what is going on with that pattern on these shoes? They look like they have one of those "3-D" image posters that you're supposed to stare at for an hour while somehow relaxing your eyes just to see a lame T-Rex jumping out at you on em. Truthfully, I don't know anyone who actually wears the Jordan brand of shoe anymore. Long gone are the days when kids were skipping school and lining up at the store to get the new Jordan's for the year. At this point, these shoes are for the collectors and completionists out there that have the other 22 Air Jordans that Michael Jordan and Nike have made over the years.

Who really wants to wear a sneaker of a recently divorced, womanizing, deadbeat father, front office mismanaging, shell of an athlete with a massive gambling addiction who hasn't played a game in 5 years where when he did play SUCKED HORRIBLY AND WAS RUN OUT OF TOWN? Anyone? Anyone? I don't see anyone lining up for the new Isiah Thomas' or the new Billy King's showing up at Foot Locker anywhere so why is there another Jordan shoe?

Also, who in their right mind would drop $230 dollars ($185 dollars for the national release edition) on a sneaker and then actually wear it anyway? I just dropped $65 bucks on an $85 running shoe at DSW and I am afraid to wear those outside because I cannot imagine the horror of running down their treads let alone a scuff or tear on those suckers.

Nike needs to stop, they've exploited Jordan's name long enough to finally make his 23rd edition of the shoe brand. Let's hope its the last...and someone bring back British Knights while we're at it, their commercials were dope.

China's Olympic Committee Has Thought of Everything

China believes it takes a highly trained individual to be an Olympic medal presenter for the Beijing Olympics. They take it so seriously that they have developed a program for young girls to train for this arduous task.

At these schools, young girls must wear high heeled shoes for hours at a time, smile pretty much all day and balance books on their heads to improve posture along with studying etiquette and English. Sounds tough huh? Well the competition is tougher, there are only 380 spots available for this coveted position and they only accept girls who are at least 5'4" and "not too heavy" so they could "fit into the uniforms provided".

"This is a huge opportunity for them. The Olympics will put them in front of the world's audience and lead to a life-time of fortune,"

The perfect smile consists of showing only the top 8 teeth and looks nothing like this...

USA! USA!! USA!!!

From Yahoo Sports

The Constitutional Vol. "Back So Soon?"

People love links. Who are we to disappoint? How about that comeback by Hilary yesterday, huh? That was about as stunning as when Buffalo came back against the Oilers after being down 35-3. On that quick note...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• Jorge Sedano has his own Politics and Sports Mash-up. Well done sir, we'll make a blogger out of you yet. Sedano Show
  


• 100% Injury Rate is done and is going mainstream headed to FanIQ. The Deuce shall miss one of our favorite sites out there but we wish nothing but the best for WCK and shall keep reading his stuff on the new site. 100% Injury Rate now at FanIQ Blog
  


• Just when you thought the "Leave ---- Alone" series had jumped the shark, here comes Roger Clemens. Part Mule
  


• What Kelly Tilghman should've said instead of "lynching Tiger". Rumors and Rants
  


• God I miss Dimebag...so do some people in Dallas. Can't Stop The Bleeding
  


• The Czech's were badass in Nintendo's "Ice Hockey". My Brain Says Rage
  


• Just created...the Tony Allen Face. The Basketball Jones
  


• Gary Payton rapping for Sega's ill fated Dreamcast. You Been Blinded
  


• Finally, for you DC citizens, here's an update on the Poplar Point developments (including a DC United stadium). Bisnow
  

Two Cents on Gibbs Resignation

Here at the Deuce we love the legend of Joe Gibbs, but as with most legends, the stories are better than the actual truth. The truth is, in Gibbs reincarnation as a head coach, he was largely unsuccessful. He was still a good motivator, he's made as many good personnel moves as he made atrocious ones, but he never figured out time management or the NFL's replay system and for a guy who was once considered one of those NFL offensive "geniuses", his system turned out to be dated and predictable in the modern NFL. His 4 year win/loss totals ended with an unimpressive 30-34 and two lackluster appearances in the playoffs as a wild card.

Joe Gibbs did give the Redskins a couple things they have not had for a long time though, consistency and leadership. Sure it was consistent mediocrity, but there was no massive shuffling of coaches or players in his 4 years here as head coach. The one big change was the implementation of Al Saunders offense, which possibly could be one of the best moves Joe made here in his time with the Redskins. The last four games of the season, the league saw that when their players are healthy, the offense can be effective and possibly still quite prolific.

As for leadership, I think its safe to say the Redskins players over the last four years have never had a coach that inspired them more than Joe Gibbs had. They played for him like they never wanted to let him down. They battled through injuries for him, they crawled into the playoffs twice for him, they learned from him what it takes to be a football player and what it means to be a Redskin. He instilled within them the organizational pride that had not existed since the 80s and one can only hope that will be his legacy here in his second term as head coach.

Joe Gibbs leaving it is a bit sad but he's left the team with a possible franchise quarterback and a solid defense for the next head coach to build from. Unfortunately he's also left them with an aging offensive line, salary cap issues, and wide receivers that scare no one. The best thing that Redskins fans can possibly hope from Gibbs' departure is that Dan Snyder will finally hire a general manager to pick the players and set a new organizational mission for the next head coach. No more of this Coach/gm/president business, the rest of the league realizes this rarely works, and hopefully Danno has figured it out as well (after much trial and error).

In all, Gibbs 2.0 was not a failure [but it wasn't a resounding success either]. While the Redskins didn't make the Super Bowl in his four seasons, Gibbs leadership formed a team identity that had not existed for a long time in Washington and taught his players how to play football the right way and the Redskins way...even if he didn't always make the right decisions himself.

My Prediction For The Election? Kane! Part II

Ah we meant to get the Democrats the day after we did the Republicans but a BBQ coma from Hill Country slowed me down like Mark Foley on eHarmony.com. Zing. In the meantime, several candidates on both sides have dropped out which makes part of what we were going to do moot. We'll do the most of the field from before the Iowa caucus anyway.

So if you remember Wonkette reported that WWE wrestler Kane endorsed Ron Paul for President. That got us wondering who the candidates would get to endorse them from the world of sports. You can find the Republicans here.

Dennis Kucinich - Spud Webb/Mugsey Bogues

There's a reason Tom Cruise demands small co-stars and elevator shoes. He doesn't want anyone else to steal the spotlight from him. The same goes for a political endorsement. Dennis Kucinich needs the endorsement of someone with similar stature. Spud Webb and Mugsey Bogues match up rather well. Webb and Bogues were able to overcome their height disadvantages to succeed in the NBA. Kucinich...well he didn't pull a MLK and overcome in the election but he definitely married out of his league so he's got that and only that going for him which is nice.

Bill Richardson - Isiah Thomas

Bill Richardson, Isiah Thomas and success go together like peanuts and gum. It's not clear how they continue to get so many chances when they fuck up as often as they do. No one understands fucking up golden opportunities like Isiah. He destroyed the CBA, failed with a solid Pacers team and made the Knicks an international laughingstock. The UN thinks they're beyond help and they're in Lebanon and Kosovo.

Bill's also a notorious assgrabber. If there's one thing Isiah's good at, it's grab ass. Just ask Anucha.

By the way, this should be his campaign song.

Joseph Biden - Ozzie Guillen

Talk about two people who most will agree actually have experience that doesn't include being married to someone with experience. They would probably get much further in life if they knew when to shut the fuck up.

Hillary Clinton - Brenda Warner

Conspiracy theorist? Check. Neurotic? Check. Sense of Entitlement? Check. All Hillary needs is a more butch haircut, a tacky blouse and she's good to go.

Hillary's panic attack campaigning over the past weeks reminds one of her conspiracy theory protestations during the Clinton I reign. If Bill played for the Skins, it would be easy to see her call up Sportstalk 980 to bitch out the Sports Reporters for calling out her man.

It's also rumored that Pokey Chatman is leaning her way but that's another story.

John Edwards - Scott Boras

Forget the stump speeches about poverty and his daddy working in some sort of mill. John Edwards will say whatever he has to win although he's an amateur compared to Mitt Romney who would probably sell his wife to an Albanian human trafficker if it meant New Hampshire.

While he was a trial lawyer, he had no hesitation about using his deceased son in a closing argument. He and his wife Elizabeth refer to his "electability. Read: I'm not black or a woman. He also has no time for gays.

Scott Boras will do anything for a buck including lie to his clients. They're a match made in heaven.

Barack Obama - Howard Cosell's Ghost/Jim Brown

No one supported a black frontrunner like Howard Cosell. Just ask Muhammad Ali. "Look at that little monkey run! For president!" Then again he might want to keep Cosell's ghost under wrap. He needs that African-American vote in South Carolina and Rev. Jesse's already stuck up for Edwards.

Obama needs to go for someone with undeniable street cred. Enter Jim Brown. He played lacrosse and football. He was in the Dirty Dozen and I'm Gonna Git You Sucka. He's got mass appeal. He even did one of the first interracial love scenes with Raquel Welch in 100 Rifles and got all Shawn Kempish with Michael Jackson's girlfriend from the Thriller video. Let's not even forget The Running Man.

Brown is the man that said "Make sure when anyone tackles you he remembers how much it hurts." Those are words to live and run by.

Chris Dodd - Eh.....

Vick Not the First NFL Player Sentenced To Leavenworth

Everyone knows Michael Vick left Virginia on Monday and headed out to Leavenworth Prison in Kansas to carry out his drug treatment program. Did you know, however, that he is not the first NFL player to be incarcerated in Leavenworth? Let us go into the wayback machine and remember the infamous Bam Morris.

Byron "Bam" Morris had numerous scrapes with the law, but the biggest was in 2000 when Bam pleaded guilty to federal drug trafficking. He admitted attempting to distribute more than 220 pounds of marijuana in the Kansas City area between Jan. 1, 1998, and May 10, 2000. He was sent to Leavenworth and served his sentence, being released two years later, but those two years were no picnic in federal "pound you in the ass" prison says Bam,

"The federal is like a Cadillac where you have televisions, phones, air conditioning," said Morris. "You watch movies on the weekends. The only thing you are missing is your freedom. You have longer visiting hours."

But another fact of life in prison was that Morris was a target because he was a celebrity.

"I had guys wanting to fight me. I had to fight," said Morris. "People wanted to fight me because I was an ex-football player. They told me I lost them money in the Super Bowl. They were fighting me over that. Others told me how stupid I was. I always had to defend myself."

Boy, Vick might want to watch out, there have to be a ton of people in the prison that lost a lot of money on him over the years. I know i lost a few bucks on that poor excuse for a quarterback. Anyway, after Leavenworth Bam was convicted of violating his parole of a previous plea bargain in Texas and was sent to jail again, getting released in 2004.

But who says there are no second chances after Leavenworth? According to Bam's Wikipedia page,

"In January of 2006, Morris was signed by the Orlando Predators of the Arena Football League. The NFL reinstated his eligibility as a player on January 13, 2006. Morris quit Predators training camp the following day stating that he hoped to win a contract with an NFL team. A mere two months later, on March 9, 2006, Morris signed with the Katy Copperheads of the National Indoor Football League."

So see, it might not be too long before we see Vick follow in Bam's footsteps and, at the very least, play some fun Arena ball...just as long as he doesn't get the crap kicked out of him in jail.

The Constitutional Vol. "Bowl Game Hangover"

With the NCAA football all wrapped up in a tidy little bow, there wasn't much going on for us to find, so we're gonna fire at you a link dump of stuff that others wrote to make up for our shortcomings. Yea, we know, we're a bit lazy sometimes. Maybe if people would send us stuff to write about we could actually post a bit more! Yea, that's right, i'm callin you out!! Anyway...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• Rose Bowl float volunteer tells of his harrowing day. Broowaha
  


• Help Sidney Pointer get in touch with Gilbert Arenas! Gilbert where are you?? Scott Van Pelt Style
  


• Ex-FBI Agent says Clements act is "shaky". Daily News
  


• Dan Snyder seems to ruin everything he touches these days. City Desk
  


• Redskins Radio guy Bram Weinstein thinks sound definitely was piped into the Seahawks stadium. Covering the Redskins
  


• American Gladiators that didn't make the cut. Kissing Suzy Kolber
  


• Whoops...liar. More Credible
  


• Hockey players can be quite limber. Going Five Hole
  


• NBA 1st quarter grades...i think? With-Malice
  

This Guy Makes Bobby Knight Look Sane

Roller Derby is a contact sport, but who knew that sometimes the coaches get into the game. Check this footage out, this coach is not happy with the outcome of the game and goes ballistic at the end of the match. This is straight out of WWE.

You Know You Don't Want This

But we're gonna give it to you anyway. Here's Floyd Mayweather...sorry Money's video Yep.



I can't wait for the Larry Holmes/Evander Holyfield duo debut as Mumblefuck.

Beers Around The NFL Playoffs

The NFL playoffs start this weekend and we at the Deuce cannot be more excited. The playoffs are a time when we can actually watch every game on television and see the best of the best duke it out for a chance at the championship. The only beverage one should be consuming during this festive time is, of course, beer. So lets take a look at the 12 NFL playoff teams and the beer that best represents the cities/states/districts they are in. If you can actually find all 12 of these near you, get them, and drink them all this weekend with their corresponding games.

lets start out with the NFC...

Dallas Cowboys
Shiner Bock
A somewhat decent beer but a poor imitation of an actual German Boch beer. Sorta what you'd expect a Cowboys fan to drink since its from Texas and Texans love all things Texas and think that Texas is better than the rest of the union let alone the world...but we all know it isn't and neither are the Cowboys. It tries to be classier than most American macrobrews but in reality its not that much different than the rest. Easy to go down and more flavorful than most macrobrews but when compared to all beers out there, its not that special at all. Drink it cold from a tap and you probably will do fine for yourself.

Green Bay Packers
Miller Lite
Yes, we all know this beer. This is the beer you graduated to after you totally realized that Milwaukee's Best and PBR sucked ass...in high school. This is your college beer and hopefully you don't drink it anymore because once you left school you had money and could afford a real beer. But if you do drink it, you know what to expect. Virtually no flavor, goes down like water, takes a lot to get you drunk but allows you to do a nice slow burn to total unconsciousness with enough effort. You have to drink an equal amount of beers as years Brett Favre has played in the NFL to really get your evening going...and you will.

Seattle Seahawks
Red Hook ESB
Now this is a classier beer here. Not a major brewer, its made in Washington, which means they can actually take the time to make a more complex beer since its not in super mega ultra mass production. Has a sweet and hoppy flavor and pours a copper/orange color and will satisfy you for a nice long evening of drinking. Its a good beer, typical of the Pacific Northwest breweries and Seattle fans should be proud to drink this beer, but like the team, it beat out a weak field to get this distinction.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Bud Light
They dont really brew much beer in Florida. There is the Florida brew company but I cant say I've ever had their beers or heard of it. When I think of Tampa Bay I think of one thing, stripclubs. For my strip club dollar there is only one beer I drink. Bud Light. Nothing goes better with that strip club stank than a nice watery beer that won't get you so drunk that you'd do anything stupid in the club...and won't cost you an arm and a leg with the strip club's beer tax added on to it. Plus Jeff Garcia's wife is a former Playboy playmate which means she stripped naked on at least one occasion. So cheers Tampa fans, drink your Buds with shame heavy in your heart. You are a town of strip clubs and strippers and your beer reflects you.

New York Giants
Brooklyn Lager
The unofficial beer of NYC and for good reason, this beer is a little gem of the US microbrewery world and a pretty good lager. Great complex flavor, full body, its an excellent example of how a lager should be made but something is missing, its still not an amazing beer, just a good one. Add it all up and its above average, much like the Giants. Has all the pieces to be a very good beer, but something is still missing to make it stand out above the entire league. Sure it looks good in its division, even its conference, but its not about to win the championship anytime soon.

Washington Redskins
Dominion Ale
Washington DC doesn't really have a brewery to call its own, at least not an operating one, but due to its close proximity to Virginia and Maryland the city does have a few beers to choose from which it can adopt as its own. For this exercise I guess we'll choose the old standard, Dominion Ale brewed right near Redskins HQ in Ashburn, VA. Its another quality microbrew with all sorts of flavor that sits on your mouth for awhile. Like the Redskins you don't know exactly how good it is until its finished.

and now for the AFC...

New England Patriots
Sam Adams Boston Lager
I mean, can there be another beer to choose for this team? This beer was at one time critically acclaimed but has since kinda sold out to become quite corporate and mass produced which is quite obviously shown in its flavor. Like the Patriots, the beer's acclaim is a bit tainted with controversy, no it wasn't a videotape scandal, but a ballot stuffing scandal at the Great American Beerfest where it won best beer in America many times a bit suspiciously.

Indianapolis Colts
Three Floyds Dark Lord Russian Imperial Stout
Indiana also doesn't have a lot of breweries, but one of the beers this state produces is widely considered one of the best in the world. It is thick with what seems to be a thousand different flavors hitting the mouth at once. Coffee, molasses, malt, chocolate, fruits, wood, nuts, hops all come to tongue and mind when drinking this beverage. It is truly one of the best beers created anywhere at anytime. The Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts (for another month at least) should be watched and savored with this beer along side. Get it while you can though, its not around much and who knows when it'l be back.

San Diego Chargers
Arrogant Bastard Ale
This beer, like the Chargers, could be one of the best beers in its league but it isn't. Actually some of the other Bastard beers are actually far better, but this one just gets around a lot more. Anyway, its got quite a rich flavor and you wont be disappointed drinking it. The same can't be said for watching the Chargers, one week they look unstoppable, the next week they get stopped. If it weren't for their arrogant bastard GM switching coaches last year they might be taken a lot more seriously. Sure no one has won with Marty, but NO ONE wins with Norv.

Pittsburgh Steelers
Iron City Beer
Now this is a craptacular beer in the Milwaukee's Best vein of beers only somehow different and in my opinion worse. You know what you're getting with this beer though, its a working man's beer, nothing complex to think about with it as you just pound it and get it over with. There is no finesse here which is a perfect comparison to the Steelers game. They run it, they use play action, they have fundamentally solid defense. You know what you're getting and they give it to you. Sometimes, that's all a guy can want.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Natural Light
Again, the lack of Florida beers makes this difficult. So, because David Garrard might not be effective for the first round of the playoffs with his ankle and the crappy Steelers field might slow them down, I feel like this team is a bit watered down from what it could be. Jacksonville as a city is the most populated one in the state and one of the most populated cities in the country, but no one considers it a real city. All of that put together is like what I think of Natural Light. It sells a lot, but its not really a real beer, its quite watered down so it tastes like beer water. Its just pure nastiness and while it is technically beer, it really isnt. Its just suck in a can.

Tennessee Titans
Steel Reserve 211 High Gravity
Like a few other teams, this team's state has no beer to call it's own and since I've never been there, I'm just going to have to pick one so Steel Reserve it is. Why? Well because this beer is horrendous but it gets the job done. Luckily its sold in 40 ounces and once you get halfway through the bottle you cant even taste it anymore since your body's natural defense mechanisms kick in and save you from having to suffer through it anymore...but MAN will it get you shit-faced. What I am saying is, like the Titans, its shit, but it works.

Hockey Players Should Not Try Comedy

Some people were born to be comedians, Chicago Blackhawks defenseman James Wisniewski is not one of them. He shows his lighter side in this mini-movie entitled "Don't Quit Your Day Job" where he plays the role of the caretaker of a hotel. I'm not sure if this is an ad, a school project, a favor or what but it goes on entirely too long. This begs the question of why I am posting it? The answer is because the Deuce doesn't really give much time to hockey and this is sadly one of the most interesting things we've seen to post about the sport...even if it is a train wreck. Um...enjoy?

Let The Games Begin...

The World Series of Beer Pong is currently underway in Las Vegas at the South Point Casino. You can read all about some of the goings on from the first day here in the blog of a guy named "The Champ" from the team Saddam's Model Home, a wonderful pull from the now cancelled but never forgotten Arrested Development.

There are 295 other poorly wittily named teams participating this year with 16 teams currently tied for first place with records of 6-0 after the first day of competition. Two more days of this contest are left for one team to win the $50,000 first place prize.

Everyone loves a good drinking game and even if this does have the possibility of being the worlds biggest frat party I cannot help but wish I and all of the Deuce members could be out there with them drinking beer for the chance to win money. Ladies and gentlemen, what the fuck is more American than that?

The Constitutional Vol. "Its Friday B*tches!"

Some pretty crazy comments from our Republican candidates roundup that we did yesterday, people certainly are passionate about politics. Don't worry, we'll have a post on the Democrats soon enough. It is Friday though, so we might as well head into the weekend with a bang and a dump of links for everyone...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• DC legend Chuck Brown gets a shout out at the Orange Bowl. Scott Van Pelt Style
  


• Should Bud Selig actually think about contraction again? I'm Writing Sports


• One way the Patriots lost on Saturday. Hot Chicks Hot Picks
  


• Owen Pochman wrote a book and apparently its good. Here's a review. Sports Agent Blog
  


• Japanese show their collective cultural insanity yet again. With-Malice


• New Jersey Nets wont be playing in Brooklyn next year. Cant Stop The Bleeding
  


• A good rant about college bowl season. The Money Shot
  


• You can own a jersey from the NHL's Winter Classic, lets hope the money goes to a charity or something. Going Five Hole
  


• With conference play starting, here's 8 teams to keep an eye on for the new year in NCAA basketball. The Sports Lounge
  


• We've heard this before, but here's more proof that the NBDL is useless. Epic Carnival
  


• Mr. Irrelevant & Sporting Blog's Chris Mottram gets interviewed in the blogger interviews series. The Big Picture
  


• Stadium security scares the crap out of experts. MSNBC
  


• ESPN's film crew needs clearly written instructions. Knoxville Films
  


• Cam Cameron really should've thought things through a little bit. Larry Brown Sports
  

Kevin Durant Is Havin A Party

Kevin Durant is finally coming back to his home, the DC Metro Area, and is throwing a party for his return. The Sonics play the Wizards at the phone booth on Sunday January 6th and the party is on Friday night so this gives young mister Durant plenty of time to recuperate after imbibing all night long. Wait, Kevin Durant was born in September of 1988...this means he cannot even drink legally in this club? This means he can just dance and eat?? We must get pictures of him boozing it up, we'll give away a random box of poop to someone who gets us some photos.

If you didn't see it on the post twice already, "LADIES ARE FREE ALL NIGHT", which means this party is one huge sausage fest waiting to happen. You know its gonna be packed with dudes from 9-11, eating that complimentary buffet and waiting for the "hordes" of women who are supposed to show up.

Remember, the Deuce is sadly going to be busy this evening so if anyone can get us photos of this event, we've got prizes to send to you. Well, a prize, a random box of poop we'll call it. Just make sure they're good photos.

My Prediction For The Election? Kane!

Wonkette reports that WWE wrestler Kane has endorsed Paultard #1 Ron Paul.

Stories like this gives us...well me the chance to touch on other subjects outside the world of sports such as politics. If you have any interest in politics or a sadomasochistic streak, Wonkette is a required visit several times a day for a generally humorous look at the assclowns and hacks who run this country.

It's usually a clusterfuck when the worlds of sports and politics collide. There are exceptions but the loudest ones (see Curt Schilling) are usually the reason why people say athletes and other entertainers should stay out of politics. This is said as though the average person or politician is that much more intelligent. Elections aren't contests for the most qualified. They're glorified popularity contests for power-hungry/delusional people who are about stuff, things and whatever you're for. Enter Kane.

“Over the next year or so, many different people are going to tell you which presidential candidate to vote for. I’m not qualified to do that (and, in reality, neither is anyone else), but I would like to explain why I support and am going to vote for Congressman Ron Paul. [I'm going to tell you who to vote for anyway.]

...If you aren’t concerned about any of these things, you’ll have plenty of choices for President in 2008. If, on the other hand, you would like to see the IRS eliminated and the income tax ended, a return to sound money and the end of inflation, and a President who takes his oath to defend the Constitution and the Bill of Rights seriously, then Dr. Ron Paul is your only choice.

It’s not just a catch phrase; Ron Paul is Hope for [white] America.”

Well this endorsement means nothing when you put it up against Ric "WOOOO!" Flair and Chuck Norris' endorsement of Mike Huckabee.

Every candidate should have a pro sports endorsement. We've gone through the trouble of matching them up with someone from the world of sports so they can spend more time telling you that showing up and being in the same building means more foreign policy experience and that atheists, agnostics and non-Christians are on their own when the homeland is attacked in Iraq. 9/11!

We'll start off the Republican endorsements today and bring you the Democratic endorsements tomorrow.

Mitt Romney - Bobby Petrino/Nick Saban

Mitt gets the two for one here. What better says I'll tell you whatever you want to hear but don't trust a word I say because you can bet I'll change than the endorsements of Atla...Arkansas head coach Bobby Petrino and Miam...Alabama head coach Nick Saban?

Ron Paul - Jerry Glanville

Yeah he has Kane but Jerry Glanville works on so many levels. Both are batshit crazy and have no discernible talent. Paul has gotten lucky due to the existence of thousands of idiots who would have thrown their weight behind Nader if he were around yet most can't tell you what he's about besides Iraq.

Paultard #1 hangs out with Stormfront, wants to get rid of most federal agencies and thinks we can dump the federal income tax without having a plausible alternative.

Glanville got lucky with Warren Moon, Haywood Jeffries, Drew Hill and Ernest Givens. He left tickets for Elvis during every game he coached and dressed like an off-brand Johnny Cash. He was a disaster as a studio commentator but he did have Pigskin Footbrawl. I assume Ron Paul's game would team up Kane, Ric Flair and Stromfront as they cruise the country in an RV hunting down black people. Surviving the Game on wheels if you will.

Duncan Hunter - Jerry Tarkanian

All Hunter needs to do is start chewing on a towel. As Trapper John points out, neither have seen a bribe they haven't liked. Anderson Hunt and the Mafia are to The Tark as Duke Cunningham and Brent Wilkes are to Hunter.

All we need to see is a picture of Hunter hanging out in a hot tub with Duke, Wilkes and a couple defense contractors a few weeks before the contractors get a massive no-bid contract from DoD. You sit here and tell me that UNLV really lost that game against Duke. That was possibly one of the biggest fixes in NCAA history. Well besides the one orchestrated by Dion Lee and Dewey Williams.

Fred Thompson - Marv Levy

Yes they're very old and very white but they also have the same trait of being absolutely useless in power. Senator Thompson would often be caught sleeping under his table or in the cloakroom while GM Levy was busy doing nothing except digging in his Depends over and over again. He did take the Bills $10 million under the cap but forgot that he had the money or he sent it to Sani Abacha's son in Nigeria.

Thompson has never done anything except be a yes man during Watergate. It's not clear if he remembers what he's running for.

"Senator, where do you stand on immigration reform?"
"Why I go in and out of comas all the....French toast please!"

Alan Keyes - Darren Daulton

Now go to If They Only Knew on DarrenDaulton.com. Nuff said.

Mike Huckabee - Wayne Fontes

Oh don't let the poll surge and sweet talk fool you. Oh Huck's damn charming but he's a certifiable wack job too. When he's not quarantining people with AIDS or Pakistanis, he's taking back the country for Christ. Wait until more stories about his beliefs come out.

There are only a few in sports so detached from reality. Hah? One is former Detroit Lions head coach Wayne Fontes. Nothing fazed him. He met constant defeat, disappointment and the threats of thousands of fans with a smile Corky would have loved. He always had a cheery demeanor and warm smile. Either he was that tough or he was about as aware as a kid who chugged lead paint for 10 years.

Rudi Giuliani - Bill Belicheck

This has nothing to do with going undefeated. It has everything to do with being a prick and being a cheat...The wife thing not Spygate. Then again it doesn't seem Belicheck would be stupid enough to appoint some equivalent to Bernie Kerik to a coordinator position or recommend him for a position in the league office. You know you done fucked up when they take your name off the jail.

John McCain - Drew Bledsoe

Both know what it's like to undergo intense mental and physical torture. McCain was held and tortured as a POW by the Vietcong while Bledsoe got wrecked by Mo Lewis and then had to endure the success of Tom Brady and Tony Romo.

Ain't That A Kick In The D--k

Hey Zhang Bin, we want you to you to be the face of our new network to over a billion people! How's that sound? What if we also made you the face of our Olympic coverage?? Sound good? Yeah? Now what if we throw in a pissed-off wife? Whose wife? Yours!

It's one thing being shamed in front of milllions like Hawaii's offensive line. It's another to be called out and made to look like an assclown by your wife in front of hundreds of millions.

Zhang Bin was in the midst of relaunching CCTV-5 as the Olympics Channel when his wife crashed the set, grabbed his mike and read him the riot act for allegedly having an affair. She then compared his adulterous behavior to China's poor human rights record.

Only two hours earlier, she said, she'd discovered his "improper relationship."

And as Zhang stood open-mouthed, uncertain what to do, she bravely coupled his infidelity with her country's poor human rights record.

"Today is a special day for the Olympics Channel, it's a special day for Zhang Bin, and it's a special day for me too," she said.

...Fighting off attempts to remove her, she said: "That French foreign diplomat also said that until China is able to start exporting its values, it won't be able to become a great power." "Yet Zhang Bin can't even face up to his own hurt wife. I think China, to succeed as a great power...

"Don't any of you have any conscience? Let go of me! We're very far from being a great country."

Zhang figured he was in the clear thanks to the government's oppressive censorship but no such luck. Video was posted on Chinese websites but was then moved to international websites like YouTube after the Chinese government removed them from the Chinese sites.



Play on, playa. Play on.

Learn Them Kids Real Good

Oh well. Too bad Christmas is already gone. You might be able to squeeze in a Kwanzaa gift or wait until Chinese New Year. It's never too early to start teaching your kids life lessons. Get them this gift that will help your little buckeroo learn how to act before every life event.

Soon to follow: An entire team dancing on a logo and the Late Hit/Personal Foul line.

Aggies Fan Digs For Gold

One should always be aware that when they are out in public or, say, at a football game that cameras might just be watching you. Maybe that is us being paranoid, but it would have served this gentleman well to not be caught on national television digging for gold...then eating it. Ew...

Chinese Players Will Advance To World Cup Or Die

In a page taken from the Uday Hussein handbook of how to motivate athletes, the Chinese National soccer team has made an oath to qualify for the World Cup or die. The players said to their country on Tuesday:

"I pledge to advance to the World Cup, which is the professional goal that we strive for. We swear by death to kill along the bloody road of defending the honour of the motherland and realise our youthful dreams."

As added incentive, the China Football Association will pay the team eight million yuan (1.09 million dollars) if they qualified for the World Cup.

If China actually does qualify, thus saving the lives of its team members, it would be only the second time they have advanced to the World Cup, the first being in 2002 where they failed to get a point or even score a goal in their first round exit.

I wonder what FIFA has to say about this? Is this the standard for all other teams to follow, mass suicide or murder of entire teams that fail to meet their goals? The Deuce, for one, is intrigued by their passion and will be rooting for Australia, Iraq, or Qatar to knock the shit out of them in the qualifying rounds to see if they will actually follow through with their pledge. Yes, we're sick, we know, but damn do we love drama.

From Yahoo Sports
Painting is famous

Anorexic Child Wears Favre Jersey For Over 1460 Days

David Witthoft here is 11 years old and he's been wearing the same Brett Favre jersey every day since he got it for Christmas when he was 7 years old. That is an interesting human interest story there in and of itself, but the Deuce really wants to know how this child still fits in this jersey? In looking at the picture of young David, its clearly because he has zero body fat whatsoever and possibly because he stopped growing at age 7. Look at this kid, he's got to be rivaling the Olsen Twins in amount of bones protruding out of his body. Those aren't shoulder pads you see, they are shoulder blades. Someone give this poor kid a freakin hamburger, with cheese...and bacon. Mmmmm bacon.

Image & Story From Fox News

Happy New Year, Now Back To Work

Yes 2008 is here and everyone can now resume their normal lives after a nice holiday break, at least it was a nice holiday break for the Deuce. Since we were last here, several bowls have been played, we're gonna give you some of the most interesting images that we've found from them all.

(AP Photo/John Amis)

(AP Photo/Terry Renna)
Vince Hall Injures Knee At Beach Outing

(AP Photo/Paul Connors)

(AP Photo/Bill Waugh)

(AP Photo/David J. Phillip)

(AP Photo/Donna McWilliam)

(AP Photo/Charles Smith)

(Photo by Brian Bahr/Getty Images)

(AP Photo/Danny Moloshok)

(Photo by Sam Greenwood/Getty Images)

Sashay Shante, Rooney

Wayne Rooney doesn't takes 'em 8 to 80 dumb, crippled and crazy like Big Daddy Kane. He takes them dumb and 80 except when it comes to 'is Colleen. We know how he loves him some dusty granny action on the DL. Now he's going have to work it and do his thing down the wedding aisle if his cousin has anything to say about it. Good thing he has an open mind.

Rooney is marrying his WAG Colleen in June 2008 and his tranny cousin Stephen wants to be a bridesmaid. In fact, he's already hitting the shops in hope/anticipation of Colleen asking him to be a part of the wedding.

Friends are worried that the wedding would turn into a spectacle due to Stephen's antics. However, they shouldn't be so quick to judge. One friend said, ""Wayne didn't rule Stephen out so we reckon he's still in with a chance as a bridesmaid ... and he'd do as good a job as posh friends like Victoria Beckham any day."

Stephen also works at Kentucky Fried Chicken so he could stock the reception at cost or even less if he saves up his shift meals and keeps them frozen until June. He's the gift that keeps on giving.

If this picture is anything to go by, he'll definitely do a better job than Rio Ferdinand.

Colleen had some "thoughts" on her impending nuptials.

"What I do know is that wherever we marry I'd like a Catholic ceremony and want to be married by a priest. I'm really looking forward to becoming Mrs Wayne Rooney!"

Yeah, Pope Benedict will be down with a drunken Scouser tranny in the wedding party. The Catholic Church's stance against Scousers hasn't changed since Liverpool's founding in 1207.

Rugby Players Are Affectionate Towards Each Other

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...this one is worth at least two. So gay...

I'm In Control Here

"He's kind of in the same position Bush is in. No matter what he does, if it's good, no one's going to give him a break. Everything he does or the team does that doesn't look good, he's going to get blamed for. Isiah's heart is in the right spot. He's trying to do the things to manufacture a good team. Things aren't clicking. It's easier to fire a coach than 15 players."

-- Phil Jackson on Isiah Thomas

Four words. Stephon Marbury Eddy Curry.

The Constitutional Vol. "Back From Break"

Aaaaaaaand we are back. I hope all had a nice winter holiday, I know did. We missed a ton over the last couple weeks (like the Najeh Davenport playing thing) that we were sporadically posting, but we'll come on strong heading into and through the new year. Its good to be back...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• We were interviewed by this new blog recently, it was posted while we were on break, but here it is. Sports Tech Blog
  


• We also participated in Jamie Mottram's top 40 sports figures of 2007 list, see what some of the top names in blogging had to say about who were the most blogable sports peoples this year. Yahoo Sports
  


• WCK never ceases to amaze me with his coverage of the Olympics. This Olympics advertisement is one of the most glorious abortions on film i've ever seen. 100% Injury Rate
  


• Found: Footage of Jordan vs Len Bias in college. Disappointing these two never got to spar in the NBA. Hoopsvibe
  


• What Derrick Coleman is up to nowadays. Can't Stop The Bleeding
  


• This guy has no business being on the sidelines of a college football bowl game. Awful Announcing
  


• Liston brings you...the Douchemaster 2000! Introducing Liston
  


• Steve Nash is walking behind Jessica Alba...and so would we. The Big Lead
  


• Darren McFadden just ended his college career in style. Cadillac style. (the new look)Sports by Brooks
  


• Carl (of Aqua Teen Hunger Force) makes his Bowl picks. You have to watch. With Leather
  


• Why the D-Rays suck, Lamaritis. DRaysBay
  


• Len Kasper and Bob Brenly cannot rock. Home Run Derby
  


• One of the best "O" faces on a baseball card ever. Wax Heaven
  


• Do Steroids Really Work? Seems silly, but it is a good question to ask. The Slav
  

Tap The Bottle And Eat The Cap

Leave it to the Australians to take a celebration to the next level. Screw pouring beer on heads. Try eating the bottle caps as well.

An amateur Aussie Rules football player was rushed to the hospital after swallowing a bottle cap during celebrations for a grand final win. He chugged a beer and swallowed the cap that was at the bottom.

He was rushed to the hospital where surgeons were able to remove the cap using an endoscope. His blood alcohol level was almost .11.

"This is the first one of these I've seen (personally), but we see stupid stuff all the time - it always involves young blokes, beer, girls and sport,'' [Royal Adelaide Hospital emergency department registrar Dr. Robert Douglas] said.

You think it would end there but it don't. As Mickey Rivers would say, "You think it don't be like it is but it do".

Dr. Douglas wrote an article in the British Medical Journal which uses this incident to illustrate that champagne and wine are safer than beer when celebrating or making it rain.

Excessive alcohol consumption as a celebratory consequence of high profile sporting victories is well known. Oesophageal obstruction from a bottle cap, however, is rarely seen in emergency departments.^{1 2} In suspected cases, airways obstruction and injury should be rapidly excluded. A comprehensive Medline search failed to elicit an example of oesophageal obstruction secondary to the ingestion of a champagne (or wine) cork. Since the 18th century, champagne has been the beverage of choice for celebrations³ and on current evidence should remain so.

If anything, this incident should be looked at as a challenge to the next Aussie Rules champions. Let's see you down a bottle cap, mate.

Since we referenced it and you know you want it...

Happy Boxing Day

We at the Deuce hope yours is better than this clown's.


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