Zombies Taking Over The NBA

They got Pau Gasol dammit!

From the people at 30fps.

Las Vegas awarded the keys of the city to Ron Artest for his charity work dealing with mental health issues. The LA Times’ Lakers Blog reports:

He’s earning recognition at the Mirage Hotel for … his work with Xcel University, which works with community centers and schools to identify high-risk students, and the Mental Health in Schools Act, which would provide $200 million in grant funding to support mental health issues should it pass Congress when it’s reintroduced in February 2011.

Oh good lord, Vegas. What have you done? There’s the issue of what Artest should do with the keys now that he has them. He’s undecided so far but he does have some ideas.

Giving them to Kobe Bryant or Derek Fisher is a nonstarter. Kobe would just break into hotels and sexually assault homely staff members while Tiger Woods watches. Think of Charlie Murphy in the Mad Real World. He might also consider starting a one man Vegas show to showcase his rapping skills. No one wants that.

Derek Fisher would probably do something for charity. That’s laudable but not epic enough for our purposes. If Artest wants to amuse us and continue to give back, he should give Oliver Miller the keys when he goes to sleep so he can after hours every buffett on the strip.

“I’ll probably just walk in everybody’s home,” Artest said after practice Tuesday at the Lakers’ facility in El Segundo. “I’ll go to Floyd Mayweather’s house first and put on some of his jewelry.”

If Artest wants to walk around with jewelry, he should stay the hell away from Javon Walker if he wants to keep it.

Pacman Jones seems to have rehabilitated himself. Maybe he should hold on to the keys to show that he’s a changed man. He can also let himself out of handcuffs or jail when he’s detained or arrested for something he didn’t do.

Forget a duet with Celine Dion. R Kelly already did that and she probably smells like piss and Kuma’s now. You know how The R rolls. What? He probably bats above the Mendoza age of consent once in a while. How about Cher? She/He could sing the hook on one of his tracks although her voice might be a little deeper than his. That won’t do much for the street cred.

We should convince him to take out Frank Caliendo. That would be worthy of the keys to Burning Man at the least.

H/T to the Lakers Blog.

Chris Paul

The hot rumor out there today is that Chris Paul has demanded to be traded…to one of three teams of his choosing. According to the CBS Sports,

Paul’s list of preferred destinations consists of the Knicks, Magic and Lakers, and members of his inner circle already have sent word to the Hornets of his desire to be traded to one of those teams, sources say. If Paul has his way, he’s played his last game in a Hornets jersey.

So you see what he’s done there? No? Well lets look at the three teams he’s chosen and then I’ll tell you where I think he really wants to go.

The Lakers have Kobe and Gasol, the Magic have Dwight Howard and the Knicks have Amare Stoudemire to go with Mike D’Antoni’s run and gun offense where Paul would fit in perfectly. The Lakers and the Magic probably can’t afford to pull this trade off, not enough cap room and not enough players to trade away.

The Knicks, who cleared away a ton of salary in an attempt to get Lebron James or Dwayne Wade to go with Stoudemire haven’t killed their cap even with the Amare signing. They have the cap space, they have trade pieces, they have a big time city, a big time arena in Madison Square Garden, a big time media market and most of all…he’d be the star.

Stoudemire would pick up right where he left off with Steve Nash if Chris Paul was leading the offense and getting him the ball. In turn, making Stoudemire look good will only make Paul look better. He won’t be the second fiddle or a star in a small market. He will be the number one basketball player in New York City and he’ll probably turn the team into a winner immediately making him the savior of New York basketball.

If I were a betting man, and I am, I am putting my money on the New York Knicks being the place Paul really wants to go. If Paul puts up enough of a hissy fit, it actually might happen.

Los Angeles Lakers Defeat Boston Celtics 83-79

Its the 16th championship title for the LA Lakers as they beat the Boston Celtics in Game 7 of the NBA Finals by the score of 83-79. Shockingly, their Wheaties box is already set to go out to your local grocery store. Check your store shelves in a month or so for it if you want it. Personally, as a Washington sports fan I had no horse in this race but in the interests of not being a sore loser I wish the Lakers and their fans congratulations for an excellent season.

Even though it would’ve been a heck of a lot cooler to see Phil Jackson lose one of these things for once.  That guy is friggin bullet-proof. Also, can people put the rest the whole Kobe is as good as MJ now b/c he won almost as many titles?  Kobe wasn’t even the best player on the team for the ones he won with Shaq. He was the Jimmy Olson to Shaq’s Superman. Kobe is an excellent player, but he is no Michael Jordan.

If you don’t believe me, look up the stats on Basketball-Reference.com and you’ll see, its not even close. As a matter of fact, Lebron and Dwayne Wade are probably closer to his skills than Kobe is.

Nevertheless, congrats Lakers. John Wall is now gonna be gunning for you. TO BE THE BEST YOU GOTTA BEAT THE BEST!