Cristiano Ronaldo is missing his calling. He’s wasting his diving talents in La Liga. He needs to be in Italy where diving is considered an art form. Take Bostjan Cesar for example.

The Chievo defender tackled Inter’s Samuelo Eto’o from behind during yesterday’s match. A free kick was given but that wasn’t enough for Eto’o. Check out his reaction after play resumed.

Cesar made the most of the headbutt as it didn’t look nearly as hard as Zidane’s. However Eto’o can bet on a three-game suspension at the least for his actions.

Four minutes into injury time and Napoli’s Ezequiel Lavezzi has one more chance to steal a win against Cagliari. Listen to the announcer’s buildup and goal call. It may not be “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!” but it’s strong. Don’t forget to wait for Lavezzi’s celebration fail.

Liverpool fans probably wish the advertising boards cut Lavezzi in half. I’ll take the aborted somersault.

Speaking Of Blow, What’s Up With Adrian Mutu?

If you guessed still being a douchebag, winner winner chicken dinner.

The Fiorentina striker is about to come off his 101st suspension for drug use and he’s already in trouble again. This time, he beat up a waiter who refused to take his Player’s Club card.

The disgraced Romanian international who is currently serving a suspension from the game for doping, attacked a waiter in a local bar over a dispute about the bill. Witnesses have been explaining that Mutu refused to pay the bill for his drinks as he claimed to have had an account with the establishment.

The waiter, a 28-year-old Yugoslavian man refused to accept the player’s explanation which resulted in the Viola hit man punching the man in the face breaking his nose. The victim was taken to the nearby hospital at Santa Maria Nuova.

“Don’t you know who I am?”

“Eh no … Oh Adrian! Mi scusi! I didn’t recognize you at first. You’re not assuming your regular position of doing lines off a porn star’s ass in a Roman hotel room window!”

In Mutu’s defense, his latest ban was for sibutramine, an appetite suppressant. Unfortunately it doesn’t suppress asshole. That appears to be genetic.

No charges have been brought yet but it’s probably safe to assume that someone will be bought off. This is Italian soccer after all.

Since we brought it up:

Tuesday brought upsets as well as some expected results. Turkey fell 1-0 to Azerbaijan and Northern Ireland only managed to draw 1-1 with the Faroe Islands. England failed miserably as expected against Montenegro and staggered to a 0-0 result. Meanwhile in Genoa, it was business as usual for Serbia. What’s that mean? Italy-Serbia was called off due to Serbian rioting that was predictable whether you listen to the Kaiser Chiefs or not.

The good times kicked off after Serbian keeper Vladimir Stojkovic withdrew from the match due to abuse suffered from Serbian supporters on his way to the stadium. It’s suspected that he was being abused for currently being a Partizan Belgrade player after plying his trade with Red Star Belgrade. Remember how well Figo’s switch from Barcelona to Real Madrid went?

The match started 30 minutes late as Serbian fans led by a guy wearing a ski mask climbed a fence, tore a hole in it and started throwing flares on the pitch and at Italian fans.

Some footage has finally hit YouTube. Enjoy!

Play was halted after several minutes as police tried to control the crowd. A flare appeared to hit Italian keeper Emiliano Viviano. Meanwhile Italian fans cursed the Serbs and the guy in the ski mask kept the Serbian contingent hyped up until the team came over to ask them to calm down.

At this point, Serbia should charged with a forfeit and Italy will granted three points. Italian fans should be grateful the way they’ve been playing the past year.

You have to love how the Guardian refers to Serbian supporters as “traditionally combustible”. How cute.

UPDATE: Here’s the best YouTube footage we’ve seen so far courtesy of @Paolo_Bandini. Ski Mask Guy is really making things happen.

Smooth on you if you got the Peabo Bryson reference.

You know what movie doesn’t pass the test of time? Tango and Cash. I remember seeing the previews and thinking it was going to be the greatest movie of all time. (I thought the same thing about the Three Amigos. “Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?”) The prison break scene was solid but it could have been better. They should have broken into prison instead of out. No. They should have broken into a women’s prison. Maybe that could be the premise of Tango and Cash 2: Electric Boogaloo. Stallone and Russell are probably overpriced so they could be replaced by Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli and his brother, Enock.

Balotelli and his brother were briefly detained by Italian police after breaking into a women’s prison in Brescia.

Brescia jail officer Calogero Lo Presti said: “We saw a high-powered Mercedes coupé come through the gate with two lads on board, and after a few minutes we realised Balotelli was one of them.

“They were questioned for 30 minutes to get their details and by the end both were frightened. Balotelli said he was sorry.

“They said they had seen the gate was open, and went in without knowing that you need special permission to visit a jail.

“They added they were specially curious at the fact it was a women’s prison.”

Too bad Mario and Enock mistake porn for documentaries. This is the difference between Europe and the United States. No way a black man in this country goes into a prison by choice (besides Omar) although points should be given for busting into a women’s prison. If the Balotelli brothers want a good time with porn stars, they should hook up with Adrian Mutu. They’ll be doing lines off a hooker’s ass in no time.

Mike Tyson Will Dance You Into Bolivian

Anything Marvin Hagler can do, Mike Tyson can do better. If Marvin Hagler can become an Italian icon, you know damn well Iron Mike can the same. First step towards Italian domination: Dancing with the Stars.

Next step: Prime Minister. Silvio Berlusconi has been prime minister multiple times in a country where every has a turn. The office has changed hands over 40 times since Mussolini. If someone like that clown can lead the country, there’s no reason why Tyson can’t have a go. “Iron” symbolizes law and order. Forza Iron Mike!