Soccer Archives

Wayne Rooney’s Cougar

It’s been a minute since we’ve posted a soccer roundup. John Terry was the inspiration the Deuce needed. We’re ready to go like a 17year old girl in the back of JT’s Bentley. Let’s do this!

The Undertaker Likes To Pay For His Souls

Poor Avram Grant. He lead Chelsea to the Champions League final only to be unceremoniously bounced by owner Roman Abramovich. He landed on his feet at Portsmouth this season knowing he was going to have a rough time saving them from relegation. Unfortunately no one warned him about the clusterfuck also known as Pompey’s finances. A man might want to blow off some steam when his employer can’t pay him and wants to sell his best players.

The Sun is confirming what many including the Deuce suspected about a report describing a Premier League manager’s trip to a brothel in December. Avram Grant has been named as the manager under suspicion.

He is alleged to have smiled when admitting knowing the building was a brothel before speeding off in a car.

Ain’t no shame in Avram’s game. He would have been better off rolling with Vanessa Perroncel instead of some Thai hookers in an industrial park. It’s the Chelsea way.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Sympathetically

We hate to come back to Terrygate so soon. That’s not true. It’s awesome. No new details since yesterday however we noted a potential landmine on the side that has the potential to blow up into another Chelsea/England scandal…if we’re lucky.

All the attention in this scandal has been on John Terry and his road beef. What about the real victim? Wayne Bridge. The defender has been left to fend for himself in Manchester or has he? The Telegraph reports that Ashley “Cashley” Cole’s wife Cheryl has been comforting Bridge in his time of need. Uh oh…

Cashley is a current Chelsea teammate of Terry’s and also plays for England with both players. Miss Cashley has a career of her own as a host on X Factor and mediocre singer. She’s also known for being in a similar position as Bridge when her man cheated on her after a drunken night on the town in 2008. She feels Bridge’s pain. No one’s saying she’s feeling more than that but it would be a perfect opportunity for her to exact some revenge on Cashley for his transgressions. It’s unlikely since he’s known as one of the nice guys in the game and she grudgingly took her man back. Probably not worth staying tuned but you never know.

Sir David Attenborough Takes On The Premier League

If you haven’t seen Life of Mammals or Life of Birds, you’re missing out on some nature excellence. David Attenborough has presented more nature specials than you’ll ever see. I got the British version of Planet Earth because he does the narration. While most of the specials are top notch, they don’t begin to compare to his work on Premier League players and managers. Take a gander at this excerpt.

“This extraordinary creature is half-blind…” Brilliant. It’s funny because it’s true.

“Chelsea wherever you may be, don’t leave your wife with John Terry!”

England manager Fabio Capello called Wayne Bridge to tell him that John Terry had lost the England captain’s armband. He asked him to look under his bed. Bam!

The terrace chants, songs and jokes are heating up as more details begin to emerge from Terrygate. The latest reports may actually help Terry save his job as captain. What could save his armband besides proof that he didn’t have an affair with the former nightclub worker? It turns out that he wasn’t the only Chelsea player to have a go at Bridgey’s ex.

The Sun reports that former players Eidur Gudjohnsen, Adrian Mutu and one unnamed player also ran up in Perroncel while she was working at a nightclub frequented by Chelsea players. Terry’s just getting sloppy fifths. Gudjohnsen allegedly warned Bridge about Perroncel’s super-WAG/ho-ish intentions but he didn’t listen. Whoa, hold up…

The Mail claims that the number is up to seven as two CURRENT Chelsea players have been identified as also being Perroncel dick bandits. They remain unnamed for now. Don’t be surprised to learn that mascot Stamford the Lion also made sweet love to her.

Bridge might want to consider a paternity test to make sure he’s the father of their child. This sounds like a job for Maury. 

British tabloids are bloody outraged over John Terry’s alleged affair with former Chelsea and current England teammate Wayne Bridge’s ex-girlfriend, Vanessa Perroncel. Commentators are screaming for his head like al-Shabab. They want him removed as England captain yesterday. What’s England manager Fabio Capello to do?

Terry is accused of giving the Double D to Perroncel not soon after they broke up. It’s alleged that he not only slept with her but also knocked her up. The England and Chelsea captain is married with two children. Sticky situation but it’s not all bad. He was man enough to pay for the abortion. Problem solved, yes? Hell no.

Stories of the affair came to light when tabloid News of the World took pictures of the Chelsea and England captain leaving Perroncel’s house in his Bentley. Terry sought and received a superinjunction to prevent the story’s publication. Legal fail. The high court overturned it and the story quickly became a superclusterfuck when it was splashed across the front page of every major paper in the UK.

Normally the private lives of athletes and other famous people should stay as such in spite of the media and general public’s obsession with every detail of their idols’ lives. The Deuce always respects th….Never mind. Is this situation different? Terry is supposed to lead England in their World Cup campaign. It’s rumored that Bridge won’t travel to South Africa if Terry remains captain or even on the team depending which reports one believes. There are also claims that Terry isn’t the only professional footballer to get a professional from Perroncel. This could get messier before it gets better for the involved parties.

Instead of hiring a PR representative, Terry should take some advice from South African president, Jacob Zuma. He just fathered his 20th child with the daughter of friend, Sonono Khoza. There ain’t no shame in his game. He has multiple children from seven women which include his “current three wives” as well as various other women. The Khoza family wasn’t pleased and sought discussions over “inhlawulo, the customary Zulu damages payable when a child is born out of wedlock”. Problem solved? Yes.

Khoza is the chairman of the South Africa’s World Cup organizing committee. You think Zuma’s love child is going to blow up the biggest sporting event in the world? No way. Is anyone talking about Zuma stepping down from the presidency? Of course not. Bill Clinton was president of the wrong country.

England needs to tighten up. Terry isn’t the first pro athlete to cheat or knock someone up and he won’t be the last. No doubt the situation is ugly for the involved parties. It makes for juicy gossip and speculation but it shouldn’t threaten England’s chances at the World Cup. There will be hundreds of excuses to choose from when they inevitably choke. This drama should be handled internally by Capello and his decision should be respected. The FA and British govermnent should keep their noses out of it. They’ve made it apparent over the years that they have no clue what they’re doing when it comes to soccer. The team is ultimately Capello’s responsibility. It might be worth talking to Sven as he has experience with handling these types of situations from every angle. Know what I’m sayin’?

There are some lessons to be learned from this mess. Never leave your lady around John Terry. Never leave valuables around his mother. Always look for his dad when you’re ready to have a good time. “Come on, Chelsea” has taken on a whole new meaning.

** The Deuce declares all conflicts unlike Howard Kurtz. Mustafa is a long-time Chelsea supporter. He is only interested in Terry keeping his head on straight when he’s playing for the Blues.

Soccer Not Allowed!


Real Madrid Has A Genius Marketing Team

Real Madrid knows that sex sells, so the team has decided to start up its own futbol inspired lingerie line for men to enjoy.  Well i mean i guess women can enjoy it too, but c’mon, you add a submarine sammich in this picture and its about every man’s wet dream staring right at you.  You want another picture?  You got it.

The underwear sets are pretty subtle though, its not like the Real Madrid branding is all over it in a gaudy fashion, no its subtle, delicate…smooth…supple…ahem.  God bless the soccer marketing geniuses.  If you want to pick up some of these suckers, you gotta wait until March tho.  Boo-hoo.

I hope the NFL, kings of marketing here in the US, take notice here.  Well, for that matter, lets hope all American professional sports look at this and copy it. This is how it should be done if you want to get your name plastered on the sexy naughty bits of women everywhere.  Lets hope they can make it happen.  Of course if it does happen here in the states, i guarantee you that the majority of the women everywhere who would actually wear this stuff…probably shouldnt be seen in it if you want to keep your eyes intact.

Like, for example, her…

From the Daily Mail UK

Ataturk Said There Would Be Days Like This

Commentators love to wax idiotically about American team rivalries as being among some of the most heated in the world. Assclowns like Woody Paige or Jay Mariotti always mention Red Sox-Yankees, Duke-Carolina, Ohio State-Michigan, etc. None of the matchups come close to generating the hate of Celtic-Rangers, Real Madrid-Barcelona or Galatasary-Fenerbahce.

The following is footage from Galatasary-Fenerbahce. You may not know of these two Turkish teams but their supporters are rowdy and dangerous enough to make English fans think twice about traveling to Turkey.

Now Fenerbahe knows how the Armenians felt back in the day. What? Too soon?

Hat tip to the player that decided to take the corner after his teammate bailed. At least he didn’t have a pig’s head thrown at him like Luis Figo. Then again it could have been a “Fuck that, send the black guy to take the kick” situation.

When Ramming It Goes Wrong

Rammie feels your pain. Sike.

Some things should be left to the Los Angeles Rams. Vince Ferragamo, losing, rocking LA, coming till they put them on their back, ramming it all day and all night, etc. The Derby County Rams should probably stick to not getting relegated.

Derby mascot Rammie the Ram was forced to send an apology to Reading’s Brian Howard after mocking him while he was injured during a match on Saturday. Rammie thought Howard was faking an injury so he ran on the field and lay down while the physio attended to him. It turns out Howard had a broken jaw. D’oh.

Derby confirmed that Rammie sent a letter to Howard and Reading FC. Hopefully the page was blank except for a hoof print. I challenge you to show me a ram that can talk let alone write.

West Ham should thank Russell Brand for choosing Katy Perry to service his needs at the present time. They may be able to pull themselves out of massive debt thanks to her assets. Icelandic millionaires came in and tried to save the team but their country’s economy tanked and so did the team’s fortunes. Who knew lingerie was the answer?

Perry wore West Ham-inspired lingerie to the European MTV Awards for Brand who is a West Ham supporter. The outfit was so popular that the designer, Siobhan Dillon, will make more exclusively for West Ham and sell them for $500 a pop. Hopefully a purchase doesn’t require being forced to listen to Perry’s music. One can go to Guantanamo or Afghanistan for free if one wants to be tortured with terrible music.

It’s a good thing the Icelanders didn’t come up with the team lingerie idea first. No one wants to see Bjork with a West Ham swan around her neck. Other teams might want to consider doing the same thing although it might not work out well for them. Charlize Theron has been known to follow Chelsea. That’s good but so has Tara Reid. That’s bad. Lumpy bad. Ashley Judd follows Kentucky basketball religiously. That’s good. Penny Marshall is a die-hard Lakers fan. That’s bad. Bad in so many ways like Warren G. Alyssa Milano would just rotate her gear depending on the week, city and team. It’s a hit or miss proposition but don’t front like you wouldn’t be down if your man or woman wanted to rock your team’s gear for you.

Aw That’s A Brazilian Shower?

It’s not every day that a Brazilian Shower video turns up in your mailbox. There was no way we were going to look it when we first got it. “Aw what’s in the box?? What’s in the fucking box??” It wasn’t too long ago that the rainbow country brought us the horror of 2 Girls, 1 Cup. We weren’t going to fall for that scat again. Eventually I broke and took a look. I was overcome with relief when I saw that it wasn’t an attempt to one up the infamous video. I’m not gonna lie. A small part of me was disappointed that it was just sports-related.

Check it out. No Rickroll. It’s SFW. Assistant referee Celio Cavalcante goes postal after Carlos Eduardo sprays him with a water bottle during a soccer game in Brazil.

Eduardo was interviewed after being sent off but said he had “no regrets” about spraying Cavalcante. It’s just another day in Brazilian soccer. At least this incident didn’t end with cops rushing the field and arresting players or some girl making a shart-infused Jackson Pollock on someone else.

Some Chinese healers say the first piss of the morning heals black toe nails. Bull penis is also considered to be an aphrodisiac. Footballers have relied on injury treatments involving goat’s blood and Viagra in the past. A horse’s placenta? Why the hell not?

Arsenal and Netherlands striker Robert van Persie won’t be making any runs due to being ruled out for six weeks following an ankle injury suffered in a friendly against Italy on Saturday. He’s going to Serbia for treatment in an attempt to return to action as soon as possible. A Serbian doctor will attempt to treat his injury by rubbing fluid from a horse’s placenta on his ankle. Arsenal physios are fine with this. Manager Arsene Wenger probably suggested using a little boy but that wouldn’t go over too well in the press. It’s not clear how rubbing Ruud van Nistelrooy’s placenta on van Persie’s ankle will make it heal faster but the visual has to be worth the price.