Michael Vick Archives

The Return of the Dog Slayer

Today, the City of Brotherly Love introduced a brother who recently has been loved dearly in the joint.

And of course with the announcement that the Eagles signed Michael Vick, the Worldwide Leader went to Plaid implementing wall-to-wall coverage featuring a nationwide polling orgy and Woody Paige arguing with a life size mannequin of Michael Vick. The Leader’s pundits took to the airways frothily debating the rationale of signing Mr. Vick and thereby potentially alienating their entire fanbase. (Of course, this is the same team that once had a jail in its own stadium and whose head coach has two sons, who have done more drugs than most of Philly combined. Not to mention, this is the same fanbase who cheered a potentially paralyzed Michael Irvin and pelted Santa Claus with snowballs.) So the claims of potential alienation seem to be a stretch at best.
Missing from all of this coverage, however, is how I wish the Vick signing would play out…
At the first home game of the season, out of a smokey tunnel run the Eagles led by their quarterback, Donovan McNabb.
WHEN SUDDENLY, the entire stadium goes dark and out of nowhere a pack of dogs rush the field attacking Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid. Then a single spotlight shines back onto the entrance tunnel, and we see Michael Vick and Tony Dungy standing their with arms raised…while Jim Ross exclaims….

(A boy can dream.)

It’s never pleasant whenever victims of heinous crimes decide to profit off their pain to increase their 15 minutes of fame. Most end up on daytime talk shows or Nancy Grace. Others appear on wine bottles. Just look at the former residents of Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennels.

Dogs rescued from the evil grasp of Michael Vick are appearing on wine bottles of the Vicktory Dogs Wine Collection.

Each bottle includes a portrait of one of the dogs on the label. On the back, instead of a description of the wine, there’s a brief story about each four-legged friend.

… Artist Cyrus Mejia, one of the founders of Best Friends, began painting the dogs after they arrived at the sanctuary. Gone in the portraits are any signs of snarling beasts fit for a fight ring. Instead, there are cocked heads, soulful eyes and floppy ears.

“I think he’s been able to capture the real personalities of each of the dogs,” said John Polis, a Best Friends [Animal Sanctuary] spokesman.

There’s a whole lot of talk about mental rehabilitation of the dogs but what good does it do to encourage unstable killing machines to start drinking? Let’s see those winning personalities after one or two bowls of wine. No good will come of this. You have been warned.

10% of each sale goes to the animal sanctuary. Matt Hahn of Carnivitas Winery which produces the wine said the goal was “to show the dogs in a positive light” and hopes it encourages people to talk about dogs and protecting animals. It’s more likely that they’ll look for more sauce or get it on doggy style after one or two bottles of the stuff.

There’s no word on whether the wines will be sold at The Tasting Room. Shouldn’t these dogs be grateful to Vick in some way? They would be nowhere without him. Just some no name dogs attacking small children, the elderly and mail carriers in somewhere in southern VA. It could have been worse. They could have belonged to Marcus Vick.

What? Now I’m the asshole? You’re probably right.

Great article here by Dave Forester of the Virginian-Pilot on the current goings on of Michael Vick. Big surprise, he wants back in the NFL. Also, he hasn’t talked at all about playing in the United Football League like a quote in an SI article said. Give it a read.

“White power, white power!”

Somehow I don’t think Billy Ocean meant for people to take him literally when he said, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” If that were the case with “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car”**, Chester the Child Molester would be using that song as his script when cruising in his cargo van at 2:30 PM Monday through Friday.

Petrino took to the podium during SEC media days and gave excuses so good that Nick Saban might have shed a tear if he had anything but coal and greed in his heart. When asked about his new job as Razorback head coach and his departure from the Falcons, the b.s. started to flow like the runs.

“Yeah [the Falcons situation] was [the most difficult time he endured as a coach],” he said. “It was a trying situation. But everybody there worked as hard as they could to do the best job they could. … The whole situation, the timing was bad, no question. With the Falcons, and with Arkansas, it was really the only way it could play out.”

Three games left in the season. Oh I don’t know. Maybe he could have finished the season then resigned to pull a Rodney Dangerfield. Maybe he could have addressed his team and the organization face to face instead of sneaking out like a Mayflower truck (not that I’m still bitter about the Colts or anything). Maybe he could have been straight up with owner Arthur Blank instead of lying to his face.

In Atlanta, Petrino found himself handcuffed by the dog-fighting controversy that surrounded quarterback Michael Vick. He said one the primary attractions of joining the Falcons was the opportunity [to] coach Vick.

After Vick was suspended by the league and eventually sentenced to federal prison, Petrino said much of the attraction was gone.

“They had a quarterback at that time that I thought could be real special, so that played a lot into it,” he said. “But, you know, it was a difficult season. You always try to look back and really try to reflect on what I could have done better here and what we could have done better.”

Billy Ocean says Petrino is very bad man. At least that’s what I think he would say. I imagine he sounds like Jar Jar Binks or Screwface when he talks unless he fakes it like Lennox Lewis.

Arkansas must be pleased to know that when things get hard, Coach Bobby will have one foot out the door. I can understand wanting to run away from the worst QB in NFL history but the city and rest of the team had no choice. Do players and fans need to worry about his commitment if they hit a rough patch or lose some of their top players to injury, arrest or ineligibility?

I can’t wait until his press conference in the fall of 2009 when he takes the Valley High job. “I love high school football. I was asked earlier what it is I like about high school football. And really the answer is everything.”

** You can’t tell me that “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car” isn’t a stalker anthem. Listen to the lyrics and don’t be distracted by the awesome animation and choreography. Every Breath You Take and Invisible could also be included on a compilation album. “Is that Stalker Rock? Well turn it up!”

Did I just admit I know a Clay Aiken song? Shit, it must be the Malibu talking. Wait, I swear someone just told me as I was writing this. I thought it was Nick Lachey. That’s better? Right? Please tell me I’m not a douchebag … Hello?

Do You Feel Lucky

You have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?

Yes. Yes I do.

Shit, guess I’m fucked.

Clint Eastwood is bringing the grizzly detective back one more time just to kill him off. We think this is a solid idea. We’re not opposed to seeing another Dirty Harry movie especially if we know it exists to give Harry a proper sendoff into the afterlife or to a dirt nap for all you atheists out there. More actors should consider a similar end for their characters. We’re looking at you, Sly. The world is begging for another Stop or My Mom Will Shoot or Judge Dredd 2: Electric Boogaloo. Rob Schneider needs a job soon before Deuce Bigalow becomes a documentary. Bonus points for Stallone if he kills off Dredd and his annoying sidekick.

The demise of Dirty Harry got us thinking. What if athletes resumed their careers just so they could go out in a blaze of glory? We tried to keep this to players are currently retired but no reason why it can’t involve active players. This probably won’t work but I’m not turning back now.

Michael Vick

Vick is released from jail and has to return to football in order to pay off his debts. He makes a team as a reserve running back only to be called into action as QB when the starter and backup both get injured. He throws for 275 yards and four touchdowns. He also runs for 89 yards and one touchdown. He becomes the new starter and his team makes a successful run to the playoffs. Vick wins Comeback Player of the Year. Meanwhile a cure for herpes is found and PETA forgives him for his past transgressions. Everything’s coming up Mexico. Vick invites his teammates to his modest house to celebrate their first-round bye. A neighbor in his cul-de-sac is washing his F-150 in his driveway. His dog jumps in the driver’s seat after smelling the Snausages his owner was eating under the seat. It inadvertently knocks the truck into drive. It rolls down the driveway and picks up speed on the decline. It flies onto Vick’s lawn and nails him just as he’s giving a toast proclaiming he’s king of the world again.

Mark Chmura

After several years out of the game and having to hear Brett Favre constantly go back and forth about coming back, Chewie decides to make his own comeback as a way to make people forget about his molestiness. He talks his way into a tryout with the Packers and somehow makes the team when every starting tight end in the NFL comes down with Ebola after a Oxfam charity trip to the Congo. The worst part is none of the Congolese know what the NFL is and keep asking the TE’s if they can give up Dikembe Mutombo’s number. Chewie’s contributions end up helping Aaron Rodgers and the Packers make the NFC Championship game. They win the game in overtime and Chewie shows up big time. He pays for some teammates to hit Acapulco with him to celebrate. While they’re down there, they get separated and he runs into a cute underage girl. He can’t resist the urge and convinces her to come back to his room with her. He makes them some drinks and the next thing he knows, he wakes up in a hot tub full of ice and missing a kidney. To top it off, he suffers frostbite and has to have his foot amputated.

Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds

Roger Clemens comes back to some desperate team. Barry Bonds who just came back after finally being signed kills him with a line drive to the face only to then be killed by Mark McGwire who just came back and in a ‘Roid rage fit crushes his skull when Bonds fails to tag home base after a home run. McGwire is then killed by Sammy Sosa who just came back and injects McGwire with antifreeze because Miguel Tejada told him it will make him huge, who then kills himself by accidentally shooting himself while sneezing. Fin.

Chin up white peop…I mean hard-working American people. Damn you for infecting me so fast, Hillary. While your jobs are being shipped overseas and given to bloodthirsty, whore-loving illegal immigrants thanks to NAFTA, corporate America is having a grand old time at your expense. The Bush administration is bailing out the banks while screwing homeowners. Guess what? You aren’t the only ones they’re trying to screw like a penguin.

The US is forcing Mexico pay Canada some serious loonies. Ron Mexico a.k.a. Michael Vick has been ordered to pay a Canadian bank $2.4 million dollars for defaulting on a loan.

The Royal Bank of Canada sued Mexico after he pled guilty to the dogfighting charge that eventually landed him in Leavenworth. The bank claimed the plea amounted to a default as laid out by the terms of the loan.

This is a bloody outrage. Another judge said Vick could keep his $20 million in bonuses earned from 2004-2007. That’s because the judge understood what freedom is all about. If you have money, you get to keep it.

Canada is just going to use that money to finance their end of the NAFTA superhighway which will ease Mexico’s eventual takeover of the US. It’s a c-o-n-spiracy.

I don’t know why Rev. Al’s wasting his time with Sean Bell. He needs to remember what the struggle’s about and put on that sweatsuit with some fat chains. Get your Tawana-lovin’, permed ass to Kansas. America and Mexico need saving.

Don’t be surprised if you see Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank roaming the aisles of your local Home Depot mumbling, “I can’t quit you, Ron” while huffing glue like a Brazilian street kid. What other reason could he have for talking about the redemption of Michael Vick?

Blank spoke with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution’s Steve Wyche in an interview about the state of the Falcons. He admitted that he has been in touch with Vick and that they have written each other several times.

Q: Have you been in touch with Michael Vick?

A: Michael has written a couple times. I’ve written him back. We have that kind of relationship. Despite the mixture of frustration, anger and disappointment in him, I believe in second chances and redemption. I would love to see Michael pay his debt to society and come out and play again in the NFL. I think he could also be a big help to … speak to people about some of his choices.

Q: Would you welcome him back to the Falcons?

A: I would not say yes. I would not say no. At this point, Michael is in a federal penitentiary [on a dogfighting conviction] and is suspended from football. We have to move forward. We are moving forward. We have to assume he’s not coming back. I do wish him well. I’d love to see him play again. It would be good for the NFL.

Of course Vick should get another chance in the NFL once he’s served his sentence however one has to question the possibility of Vick returning to the Falcons. The Falcons’ acceptance of him would almost be equivalent to the battered wife taking back the abusive husband. He had plenty of chances and burned the team at every turn. The team is a wreck in large part because of him. Let’s also give Bobby Petrino his props.

The Falcons need to make a clean break and start fresh. Let some other team like the Bengals make Vick their redemption project. We can’t imagine Blank would seriously consider taking him back but someone might want to check the glue stock in case.

The Seven Deadly Sins Of Sport

Since Pope Benedict XVI has decided to come up with seven new sins out of freakin thin air, I think its only fair that someone should come up with a set of Seven Deadly Sins specifically geared towards the world of sport. Here goes nothin’ and may God have mercy on my soul:

1) Thou shall not get caught using performance enhancing drugs.
- See, its ok to use them, its ok to give them to your teammates, its ok to shoot them in other’s rear ends, its even ok that you sell them and supplement your already hefty income that was unjustly given to you because you aren’t naturally that good…just do not get caught doing any of it. Its the ultimate don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t get caught. Don’t get caught, and you’re a hero like Albert Pujols, not sayin’ just sayin. Get caught and you’re vilified…unless you’re Shawne Merriman.

2) Thou shall not get caught cheating
- Ok, so everyone cheats in sport. To paraphrase the famous quote is if you aren’t cheating you aren’t trying to win. If you get caught cheating however, you are found breaking the sin and of course the torches start getting lit and you begin a slow march towards execution.

3) Thou shall not create a rap/rock/blues/jazz/etc. album
- You are an athlete. You are not a musician. No one cares that you think you have talent besides playing a game. You don’t. Stop trying or you shall be mocked and ridiculed for all of eternity.

4) Thou shall use prophylactics when engaging in sexual behavior.
- For this, its ok to be a womanizer, it’s your birthright as the ultimate alpha-male, just do it right and don’t spread your seed. For every Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry (not his actual kids in the picture…least he doesn’t think they are) or Elijah Dukes that is spat on there’s a Wilt Chamberlain who does it right and is praised for it. Don’t be a dork, cover your pork.

5) Thou shall not get caught harming animals for fun.
- No one knows this rule better than Michael Vick, Tripp Isenhour, Pedro Martinez or Qyntel Woods. Pedro gets a bit of a pass because he did it in a country where its legal, but pretty much any athlete who does anything cruel to an animal meets a pretty unfortunate sports demise. The Lord looks down on those who harm the lesser species. We’ll see what happens with Pedro this season.

6) Thou shall not get caught gambling.
- Tim Donaghy, Pete Rose, Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Michael Jordan’s mysterious retirement for baseball all have some ties to gambling and all have never be the same. The easy solution is to wait til you’re out of sport like Charles Barkley here to publicly gamble away all your money. People find that kind of gambling far more light hearted, but if you do it while you’re active in sport you shall have a pall cast upon you…and you might get forced to run a team in Charlotte named after a guy called Bob for all of eternity.

7) Thou shall not beat on your lady, get caught, arrested, and have a mugshot taken like this
- Sports, by their nature, are very aggressive. It takes an aggressive person to participate at the highest of levels of sport. The problem some have is leaving that aggression on the field or court of play. Those who choose not to will forever be branded WIFE-BEATER and those scarlet 2 words will follow you until your death…Jason Kidd.

Everyone knows Michael Vick left Virginia on Monday and headed out to Leavenworth Prison in Kansas to carry out his drug treatment program. Did you know, however, that he is not the first NFL player to be incarcerated in Leavenworth? Let us go into the wayback machine and remember the infamous Bam Morris.

Byron “Bam” Morris had numerous scrapes with the law, but the biggest was in 2000 when Bam pleaded guilty to federal drug trafficking. He admitted attempting to distribute more than 220 pounds of marijuana in the Kansas City area between Jan. 1, 1998, and May 10, 2000. He was sent to Leavenworth and served his sentence, being released two years later, but those two years were no picnic in federal “pound you in the ass” prison says Bam,

“The federal is like a Cadillac where you have televisions, phones, air conditioning,” said Morris. “You watch movies on the weekends. The only thing you are missing is your freedom. You have longer visiting hours.”

But another fact of life in prison was that Morris was a target because he was a celebrity.

“I had guys wanting to fight me. I had to fight,” said Morris. “People wanted to fight me because I was an ex-football player. They told me I lost them money in the Super Bowl. They were fighting me over that. Others told me how stupid I was. I always had to defend myself.”

Boy, Vick might want to watch out, there have to be a ton of people in the prison that lost a lot of money on him over the years. I know i lost a few bucks on that poor excuse for a quarterback. Anyway, after Leavenworth Bam was convicted of violating his parole of a previous plea bargain in Texas and was sent to jail again, getting released in 2004.

But who says there are no second chances after Leavenworth? According to Bam’s Wikipedia page,

“In January of 2006, Morris was signed by the Orlando Predators of the Arena Football League. The NFL reinstated his eligibility as a player on January 13, 2006. Morris quit Predators training camp the following day stating that he hoped to win a contract with an NFL team. A mere two months later, on March 9, 2006, Morris signed with the Katy Copperheads of the National Indoor Football League.”

So see, it might not be too long before we see Vick follow in Bam’s footsteps and, at the very least, play some fun Arena ball…just as long as he doesn’t get the crap kicked out of him in jail.

Steely McBeam Gets All The Women

A poll was conducted recently that set out to find which NFL team has the highest percentage of female fans. The surprising results were:

1. Steelers
2. Packers
3. Bills
4. Bengals
5. Chiefs
6. Jacksonville
7. Ravens/Patriots
9. Broncos/Buccaneers/Redskins

Strangely enough Favre or Brady weren’t enough to get either of their teams into first place. The only answer for the Steelers being on top MUST be the ultra-manly Steely McBeam. I mean they have twice the amount of female fans than the league average! Steely, you hunk of blue collar man meat, the women love you.

I really must wonder why the Bills are in the top three of the NFL? Why is anyone a fan of that team, let alone fan enough to place them in the top 3 of teams that females root for? Just doesn’t make sense. What does make sense and not at all surprising is that the Falcons didn’t make the top 10. Michael Vick’s troubles add yet another blow to the team’s fan quotient. It is awesome that the Dallas Cowboys were nowhere to be found in the top 10…my conclusion is that since most women do not root for Dallas, women are smarter than all Dallas fans…or find Jerry Jones to be just as smarmy as I do.

From SI.com