Thank God This Isn’t Another Hulk Hogan Sex Tape

Thursday, March 29th, 2012 at 11:47 pm  
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Years before he received the big boot and a leg drop by his ex-wife’s divorce attorney in court, Hulk Hogan was a mighty athlete that even graced the cover of Sports Illustrated.

But, on the heels of news that Hulk Hogan and Chyna can both be seen having sex on camera, we can rejoice now in learning that finally, a Hulk Hogan tape is being released in DVD format that we not only want to see, but that we may actually pleasure ourselves watching, too.

(record scratch)

I mean take pleasure in watching!

(laughs nervously, kicks bottle of lotion under desk)

That’s right folks, after years of ignoring my letters threatening suicide, Vince McMahon has taken time out from his busy schedule of forcing John Cena down our throats in order to do the greatest thing he has ever done (Wrestlemania 28 is this weekend).

’80s classic movie No Holds Barred will be coming out on DVD on July 3rd for the first time. Ever.

If you don’t remember the “dookie scene” please take this quick refresher.

Feel better? Okay, I’ll let wikipedia take it from here (SPOILER ALERT):

Hulk Hogan plays Rip, a very popular professional wrestler. Although Rip looks and acts like a brute, he is actually a golden-hearted guy. He has a younger brother, Randy (Mark Pellegrino), whose presence in the audience motivates him enough to win his matches.
Rip appears on a television channel which screens all his matches. Thanks to Rip, the channel is highly popular. However, the evil, money-hungry chairman of a rival channel, Brell (Kurt Fuller), wants to convince Rip to join their network. Rip respectfully declines, though Brell has his gang of thugs attempt to beat Rip into submission during the limo ride home from the meeting.
After visiting the No Count Bar, a rowdy establishment featuring a wrestling ring in the center and patronized by drunken, vicious fighters, Brell is inspired to create a new kind of wrestling program, focusing more on violence and sensationalism than Rip’s more moralistic version of the sport. Brell’s new program, Battle of the Tough Guys, is successful after the introduction of Zeus (Tom Lister, Jr.), a violent, seemingly unfazable ex-con who sports a “Z”-shaped patch of hair on his skull. Zeus killed an opponent in the ring after the fight was over, and has been in prison until recently.
Samantha, a beautiful corporate spy (Joan Severance), is sent by Brell to seduce Rip. However, Rip’s good nature and dedication to charity wins her over, and she confesses the truth to the wrestler and turns to his side. After this fails, Brell attempts to have Samantha raped; as usual, Rip foils the plot and dispatches the would-be rapist into a tree trunk. Meanwhile, Brell and Zeus crash an outdoor charity event Rip is appearing at, demanding that Rip prove his honor by fighting Zeus live on Brell’s new show. Once again, Rip avoids violent conflict and attempts to reason with Brell, who leaves in anger.
Randy and a friend decide to check out Zeus for themselves, attending an illegal fight being held in a warehouse. After watching Zeus defeat the monstrous Lugwrench Perkins (Jeep Swenson), Randy foolishly identifies himself as Rip’s brother to Brell and his associates. Randy attempts to defend himself, but Zeus brutally beats him, sending him to the hospital. Finally, after this ultimate insult, a tearful Rip decides to accept Zeus’ challenge.
Before the match, Brell abducts Rip’s friends and threatens to kill them if Rip doesn’t lose deliberately. With the odds against him, Rip wins the match after Zeus falls from a perch into the wrestling ring, collapsing it. Rip turns his attentions to Brell, who accidentally falls into an electrical panel to his demise. With his friends rescued and his brother recovering in the hospital, Rip celebrates his victory.

Finish the Job, LeBron: Go Heel

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011 at 7:34 am  
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As an astute sports fan, I’m disheartened by the most recent round of LeBron James bashing/emasculation. No one is booed more heavily and lustily than Bron: an entire state celebrates his “failure.” Sure, there are a million reasons to rightfully hate him, but the sad thing is, the harder he tries, the more people loathe him. Well, here at the Deuce we don’t do problems, we do solutions. It’s time for the King to take a page out of the old WWE book and embrace the hate. It’s time for Bron to turn heel. Read the rest of this entry

Triple H Found an Even Less-Credible Way to Earn a Living

Tuesday, January 11th, 2011 at 9:30 am  
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Because he’s been so prolific lately, we allowed MMA expert Turd Ferguson drop some knowledge about his first true love: WWE.  At this point, we’re pretty sure it’s the only thing that keeps him off the streets:

As you may know by now, my contributions to this site are related to MMA, a sport that has grown faster than Eddie Murphy’s unrecognized children, or Chris Tucker’s girth (his belly, perverts). Therefore, fair reader: please bear in mind that I speak today in lamentation of the wrestling of yesteryear, and not the MTV garbage that we know today.

Men like the Legion of Doom, the Nasty Boys, the Ultimate Warrior, and Doink the Clown, have been replaced by wannabe models and actors who dance around the ring like a casting call for “The Bachelorette” (note to self: pick up headshots). These days, with guys like MTV’s Real World “The Miz” holding the strap, it’s almost enough to make me want to throw on a sandpaper jimmy hat and hump Snooki. But, that isn’t to say that legends don’t still engage in this sport. Take Triple H for example, a 13-time WWE Champion, which of course has nothing to do with his wife and her role with his employer. Regardless, Triple H has always been a decent wrestler (even after tearing his quadriceps) and seemed like a guy who could make a transition to making crappy movies just like “The Rock” and more recently, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.

After swinging and missing with bigger budget features like “The Condemned” and “See No Evil,” WWE films dialed it back to straight-to-DVD offerings, with budgets that would rival only the wealthiest of porn companies but with acting that falls just below that lofty So-Cal standard.

Be forewarned, fellas, this isn’t exactly Citizen Kane, or even “See No Evil:”

“For Ray Bradstone, no job was too daunting, no job was too dangerous, but one final heist was left, steal back his daughter’s heart…”

At this point in the trailer, 17 seconds in, I downed an entire bottle of unlabeled prescription pills and chased it with a bottle of Drano.

Gouge out my eyeballs and slice off my ears Youtube:

(Editor’s note: By the time T.F. submitted this post, WWE reportedly deemed the trailer so miserable, they pulled it.)

Wow, that spitball that landed on Triple H’s “genetically enhanced” face looked promising at the end. While Triple H is hardly the least charismatic star to make it on screen, probably best to leave this one to the $.99 Wal-Mart bargain bin and late-night Netflix guilt viewings.

In H’s defense, it’s not like the bar has been set particularly high:

Brock Lesnar’s Next Fight May Be Against His Credibility

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011 at 9:25 am  
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In case you haven’t noticed, MMA has been in the headlines lately.  Expect a lot from our resident MMA-Expert Turd Ferguson in the coming days.  Here, T.F. weighs in on the rumored departure of former Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar.

In the 1980’s, professional wrestlers were real-life gladiators, confronting the dual challenges of vanishing scrotums and hairlines against the physical limitations of excessive weightlifting and zero cardio. On any given night, in arenas across the country, well-oiled hot dog-resembling hard bodies would collide for the coveted WWF championship; a gaudy belt that all but guaranteed its owner a bounty of lap dances and boilermakers in all the finest strip clubs and truck stops across the land. His likeness would also adorn only the dirtiest, sweatiest, and tightest cotton t-shirts that trailer-dwellers could purchase. Mock if you must, dear reader, but to the broad array of folks sustaining our mobile home industry, these athletes represented living gods.

Today, like most sports, pro wrestling has evolved. WrestleMania is now a bigger draw than ever, with cities bidding for the right to host it like those dudes in “Hostel.” Every spring, Vince “Clean living” McMahon throws a White Trash Woodstock extravaganza that’s nothing short of a GWAR concert. Please know that WrestleMania is oh, much more than merely a rite of passage for the flyover states, Tea Party activists, and Girls Gone Wild litigants; indeed, it’s more like a monster-truck rally rolled into a porn convention sprinkled with an Insane Clown Posse concert.

Brock Lesnar knows this, but do you?

Famous “journalist” for “non-sports sports” (and probably National Closet-Masturbating Champion) Dave Meltzer, reports Brock “Erik the Red” Lesnar is eyeballing a return to the WWE much like he probably eyeballs a vial of Winstrol just before he takes that big injection in his bum (GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER! I’m talking about ‘roids!).

Meltzer reports Lesnar could pocket $2M to take on “The Undertaker,” who is a whopping 18-0 in Wrestlemania –the greatest fake sports record after Barry Bonds and Wilt Chamberlain. Lesnar’s star is never going to be any brighter, and apparently he wants a big check to step into the squared circle before going back to real fights (and sports).

Of course, we would be remiss if we did not mention the fact that Lesnar is somewhat infamous for his inability to stay in one place for too long, much like myself on Father’s Day or during a certain Christian holiday that demands a sustained presence with your offspring and a gift exchange. Lesnar was a big draw in the WWE from 2002-2004 but left $45M on the table so he could try out for the Los Angeles Minnesota Vikings as a defensive lineman. A motorcycle accident derailed his efforts and led to his eventual release.  Subsequently, Lesnar began his MMA career in 2007.

Still, if Lesnar wants to slip back on the black trunks and boots for a quick payday against the ‘Taker, I say do it. The Rock did this several times while he was off making crappy movies and even over-the-hill athletes like Lawrence Taylor, Pete Rose, Mike Tyson, and Mr. T have stepped into the squared circle and put their lives and reputations on the line. At this point in his career, Lesnar’s situation isn’t much different.