A Public Service Announcement From The Deuce

Allow us to take a small break from our infrequent blogging to bring some important news that you want to hear. The McRib sandwich is coming back on November 2nd. Don’t act disgusted. There are plenty of you who ate the Double Down or Hardees Chicken Fried Steak and Gravy Biscuit Sandwich. The only reason you haven’t eaten that Friendly’s Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt is that you can’t find a Friendly’s.

Many of you McRib vets know that the sandwich can’t be found at every McDonald’s. You have to be in the know or get lucky. Thanks to the Wall Street Journal, you can find out where the McRib be at. Behold the McRib Locator.

We finally have a useful Google Map. It gives the location and approximate time of the last McRib sighting at a particular location. We’re pretty sure he wasn’t referring to this but in the words of Ming Tsai, “Peace and good eating.” If you eat too many McRibs, there won’t be any peace in your general vicinity.

“The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.”

That message probably isn’t as funny to sumo wrestlers as it is to Simpsons fans. One can only imagine the struggle they go through when trying to call an ambulance due to a 5th heart attack. Imagine not being able to order dolphin or blue whale from your favorite delivery spot because you can’t dial the number. Cheer up, yokozuna. Wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care like our friend pictured above. Steve Jobs and Apple have the solution to your problems.

The Japan Sumo Association will begin giving iPads to wrestlers to resolve their issues with regular sized cellphones. Apparently their fingers are too large for standard cellphone keypads. Go figure.

The association also wants to improve communication by preventing wrestlers from missing calls or messages because they can’t use their phones. It’s the iPad or oversized Jitterbugs. Now they can throw matches and bet on snow monkey wrestling instantly. General Tojo would be proud.

Ron Artest Is The Sleeper Cell

Anyone who saw the fight known as Malice at the Palace between the Pacers and Pistons in 2004 wondered what the hell was going on in Ron Artest’s head that night (as opposed to other nights). A popular theory is that he went off when a drink was thrown at him. That’s just lazy. How about an alternative theory that goes back around 15 years prior to that fateful night in Auburn Hills? Yeah you’ll bite.

The FBI released threatening letters sent to the 1989-1990 Detroit Pistons and coach Chuck Daly. Apparently fans of opposing teams weren’t impressed by the Bad Boys’ “scrappy” play.

“God made me realize that YOU, not Laimbeer, Mahorn or any of the others are the one possessed by (Satan),” the author [from Cleveland] wrote in [a] one-page handwritten letter addressed to “Mr. Chuck Daly.” Daly, a Hall of Famer who died in May at the age of 78, gave the letter to team officials, who in turn notified NBA security. The league advised the Pistons to turn it over to the FBI.

Another letter, this one typewritten and postmarked Royal Oak, Mich., on Feb. 16, 1990, also was addressed to Daly and claimed the Pistons didn’t “know the meaning of the word ‘sportsmanship’ ” and would “pay dearly.”

None of the threats were acted upon while the Pistons beat teams up like rented mules. It’s common knowledge that the melee in Detroit that resulted in record fines and suspensions. However that wasn’t the end of  it.

Detroit haters realized that unleashing Artest on Detroit players and fans was a bit too overt. They decided to take the Bad Boys down one by one. Don’t believe us? Note the following:

Isiah Thomas - Seduced by the siren-like authoritativeness of Anucha Browne Sanders. He was quickly exposed as a fraud and clueless NBA executive.

John Salley - Hosted a show with Chris Rose. (He must know what Sideshow Bob felt when he was getting rakes in the face)

Bill Laimbeer and Rick Mahorn - Coaching in the WNBA.

Fennis Dembo - Distracted long enough to not remember to change his name back to Dennis Fembo. He eventually moved back in with his mom after his career ended.

Dennis Rodman - ‘Nuff said

Chuck Daly - Passed away from pancreatic cancer last year.

There’s some bad mojo around this team. Don’t be surprised if Screwface has a role in this conspiracy.