Las Vegas awarded the keys of the city to Ron Artest for his charity work dealing with mental health issues. The LA Times’ Lakers Blog reports:

He’s earning recognition at the Mirage Hotel for … his work with Xcel University, which works with community centers and schools to identify high-risk students, and the Mental Health in Schools Act, which would provide $200 million in grant funding to support mental health issues should it pass Congress when it’s reintroduced in February 2011.

Oh good lord, Vegas. What have you done? There’s the issue of what Artest should do with the keys now that he has them. He’s undecided so far but he does have some ideas.

Giving them to Kobe Bryant or Derek Fisher is a nonstarter. Kobe would just break into hotels and sexually assault homely staff members while Tiger Woods watches. Think of Charlie Murphy in the Mad Real World. He might also consider starting a one man Vegas show to showcase his rapping skills. No one wants that.

Derek Fisher would probably do something for charity. That’s laudable but not epic enough for our purposes. If Artest wants to amuse us and continue to give back, he should give Oliver Miller the keys when he goes to sleep so he can after hours every buffett on the strip.

“I’ll probably just walk in everybody’s home,” Artest said after practice Tuesday at the Lakers’ facility in El Segundo. “I’ll go to Floyd Mayweather’s house first and put on some of his jewelry.”

If Artest wants to walk around with jewelry, he should stay the hell away from Javon Walker if he wants to keep it.

Pacman Jones seems to have rehabilitated himself. Maybe he should hold on to the keys to show that he’s a changed man. He can also let himself out of handcuffs or jail when he’s detained or arrested for something he didn’t do.

Forget a duet with Celine Dion. R Kelly already did that and she probably smells like piss and Kuma’s now. You know how The R rolls. What? He probably bats above the Mendoza age of consent once in a while. How about Cher? She/He could sing the hook on one of his tracks although her voice might be a little deeper than his. That won’t do much for the street cred.

We should convince him to take out Frank Caliendo. That would be worthy of the keys to Burning Man at the least.

H/T to the Lakers Blog.

Ron Artest Is The Sleeper Cell

Anyone who saw the fight known as Malice at the Palace between the Pacers and Pistons in 2004 wondered what the hell was going on in Ron Artest’s head that night (as opposed to other nights). A popular theory is that he went off when a drink was thrown at him. That’s just lazy. How about an alternative theory that goes back around 15 years prior to that fateful night in Auburn Hills? Yeah you’ll bite.

The FBI released threatening letters sent to the 1989-1990 Detroit Pistons and coach Chuck Daly. Apparently fans of opposing teams weren’t impressed by the Bad Boys’ “scrappy” play.

“God made me realize that YOU, not Laimbeer, Mahorn or any of the others are the one possessed by (Satan),” the author [from Cleveland] wrote in [a] one-page handwritten letter addressed to “Mr. Chuck Daly.” Daly, a Hall of Famer who died in May at the age of 78, gave the letter to team officials, who in turn notified NBA security. The league advised the Pistons to turn it over to the FBI.

Another letter, this one typewritten and postmarked Royal Oak, Mich., on Feb. 16, 1990, also was addressed to Daly and claimed the Pistons didn’t “know the meaning of the word ‘sportsmanship’ ” and would “pay dearly.”

None of the threats were acted upon while the Pistons beat teams up like rented mules. It’s common knowledge that the melee in Detroit that resulted in record fines and suspensions. However that wasn’t the end of  it.

Detroit haters realized that unleashing Artest on Detroit players and fans was a bit too overt. They decided to take the Bad Boys down one by one. Don’t believe us? Note the following:

Isiah Thomas - Seduced by the siren-like authoritativeness of Anucha Browne Sanders. He was quickly exposed as a fraud and clueless NBA executive.

John Salley - Hosted a show with Chris Rose. (He must know what Sideshow Bob felt when he was getting rakes in the face)

Bill Laimbeer and Rick Mahorn - Coaching in the WNBA.

Fennis Dembo - Distracted long enough to not remember to change his name back to Dennis Fembo. He eventually moved back in with his mom after his career ended.

Dennis Rodman - ‘Nuff said

Chuck Daly - Passed away from pancreatic cancer last year.

There’s some bad mojo around this team. Don’t be surprised if Screwface has a role in this conspiracy.