Atlanta Falcons Archives

There’s a little sumthin’ sumthin’ for everyone thanks to Falcons tight end Tony Gonzalez, his wife October and PETA. The couple posed nude (SFW) for the organization’s “Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign. They join such luminaries as Dennis Rodman, Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson. We can’t wait until for the Carrot Top and Charo photos.

“We should be protecting animals, not sacrificing their lives for the sake of fashion or luxury,” says Tony Gonzalez. “October and I have changed many of our habits in light of the inhumane treatment of animals that occurs not only in the fur industry but also on factory farms.”

Raiders quarterback Jamarcus Russell heard about the PETA campaign and was inspired to approach Denny’s about doing something similar entitled “I Show You My Moobs For Moons Over My Hammy”. He wanted to pose naked over a huge plate of Moons Over My Hammy while wearing his Raiders helmet. The restaurant chain somehow agreed but the project fell apart during the photo shoot. Russell kept trying to eat the plate of food even though it was fake. Only if he had that kind of drive during football games. He’d never lose the football if it were a sandwich.

Now try to go back to your breakfast after picturing Carrot Top, Charo and Russell.

“White power, white power!”

Somehow I don’t think Billy Ocean meant for people to take him literally when he said, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” If that were the case with “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car”**, Chester the Child Molester would be using that song as his script when cruising in his cargo van at 2:30 PM Monday through Friday.

Petrino took to the podium during SEC media days and gave excuses so good that Nick Saban might have shed a tear if he had anything but coal and greed in his heart. When asked about his new job as Razorback head coach and his departure from the Falcons, the b.s. started to flow like the runs.

“Yeah [the Falcons situation] was [the most difficult time he endured as a coach],” he said. “It was a trying situation. But everybody there worked as hard as they could to do the best job they could. … The whole situation, the timing was bad, no question. With the Falcons, and with Arkansas, it was really the only way it could play out.”

Three games left in the season. Oh I don’t know. Maybe he could have finished the season then resigned to pull a Rodney Dangerfield. Maybe he could have addressed his team and the organization face to face instead of sneaking out like a Mayflower truck (not that I’m still bitter about the Colts or anything). Maybe he could have been straight up with owner Arthur Blank instead of lying to his face.

In Atlanta, Petrino found himself handcuffed by the dog-fighting controversy that surrounded quarterback Michael Vick. He said one the primary attractions of joining the Falcons was the opportunity [to] coach Vick.

After Vick was suspended by the league and eventually sentenced to federal prison, Petrino said much of the attraction was gone.

“They had a quarterback at that time that I thought could be real special, so that played a lot into it,” he said. “But, you know, it was a difficult season. You always try to look back and really try to reflect on what I could have done better here and what we could have done better.”

Billy Ocean says Petrino is very bad man. At least that’s what I think he would say. I imagine he sounds like Jar Jar Binks or Screwface when he talks unless he fakes it like Lennox Lewis.

Arkansas must be pleased to know that when things get hard, Coach Bobby will have one foot out the door. I can understand wanting to run away from the worst QB in NFL history but the city and rest of the team had no choice. Do players and fans need to worry about his commitment if they hit a rough patch or lose some of their top players to injury, arrest or ineligibility?

I can’t wait until his press conference in the fall of 2009 when he takes the Valley High job. “I love high school football. I was asked earlier what it is I like about high school football. And really the answer is everything.”

** You can’t tell me that “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car” isn’t a stalker anthem. Listen to the lyrics and don’t be distracted by the awesome animation and choreography. Every Breath You Take and Invisible could also be included on a compilation album. “Is that Stalker Rock? Well turn it up!”

Did I just admit I know a Clay Aiken song? Shit, it must be the Malibu talking. Wait, I swear someone just told me as I was writing this. I thought it was Nick Lachey. That’s better? Right? Please tell me I’m not a douchebag … Hello?

Joey Touchdown Finally Gets His Due

After years of sweat and perseverance, Joey Harrington has finally reached the top. has named him the worst quarterback in NFL history.

Chase Stuart twists the knife:

…No QB has performed so far below the league average for so long as Joey Harrington. To be clear, Joey Harrington probably isn’t the worst quarterback of all time in an absolute sense. But in terms of being so far below average, but far enough above miserable to earn more playing time, Joey Harrington hurt his team more than any other QB in NFL history. If Harrington had been worse, he would have played less, and he wouldn’t have set back the teams he played on. To put it another way, if you had the choice of getting Joey Harrington for 2,538 attempts, or Roger Goodell for 9 attempts you would certainly choose Goodell. At least after he’s gone, your team has a chance.

The Chick-fil-A tomahawk chopping cow should give Joey a 21-chop salute at the Braves’ next home game.

Bobby Petrino: The Missing Link

Who would have thought the missing link would be in Arkansas? Fine, we’ve all thought that at some point in our lives. What you didn’t know is that there are several missing links. You have the one between man and ape. You have “Jammin” Joe LaRue who is the missing link between man and god. Then you have the missing link between man and ostrich. Bobby Petrino.

Petrino, head football coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks, gave his sob story to the media about being unaware of the fallout from his cowardly exit from the Atlanta Falcons job to take the Arkansas job.

Petrino said that he threw himself into the Arkansas job and was not aware of the media beating he was receiving.

“It was hard on my family. It was hard on my wife and my kids, but I didn’t hear a lot of it,” Petrino said. “That was probably good.”

For months Petrino declined to be interviewed except for the local media that covers Arkansas football. But when he arrived at the SEC meetings he agreed to meet with the media contingent that regularly covers the league.

Petrino was pressed on whether, in hindsight, he could have handled his departure from Atlanta differently.

“Not that I know of,” he said. “Because of the timing of it and both sides of the fence, that is kind of how it worked out. It was a situation where you have no other choice.”

Sometimes a weasel gotta be a weasel, playboy.

Alabama head coach Nick Saban was unavailable for comment as he’s locked away in his office trying to figure out other ways to get around NCAA recruiting guidelines.

Don’t be surprised if you see Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank roaming the aisles of your local Home Depot mumbling, “I can’t quit you, Ron” while huffing glue like a Brazilian street kid. What other reason could he have for talking about the redemption of Michael Vick?

Blank spoke with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution’s Steve Wyche in an interview about the state of the Falcons. He admitted that he has been in touch with Vick and that they have written each other several times.

Q: Have you been in touch with Michael Vick?

A: Michael has written a couple times. I’ve written him back. We have that kind of relationship. Despite the mixture of frustration, anger and disappointment in him, I believe in second chances and redemption. I would love to see Michael pay his debt to society and come out and play again in the NFL. I think he could also be a big help to … speak to people about some of his choices.

Q: Would you welcome him back to the Falcons?

A: I would not say yes. I would not say no. At this point, Michael is in a federal penitentiary [on a dogfighting conviction] and is suspended from football. We have to move forward. We are moving forward. We have to assume he’s not coming back. I do wish him well. I’d love to see him play again. It would be good for the NFL.

Of course Vick should get another chance in the NFL once he’s served his sentence however one has to question the possibility of Vick returning to the Falcons. The Falcons’ acceptance of him would almost be equivalent to the battered wife taking back the abusive husband. He had plenty of chances and burned the team at every turn. The team is a wreck in large part because of him. Let’s also give Bobby Petrino his props.

The Falcons need to make a clean break and start fresh. Let some other team like the Bengals make Vick their redemption project. We can’t imagine Blank would seriously consider taking him back but someone might want to check the glue stock in case.

Everyone knows Michael Vick left Virginia on Monday and headed out to Leavenworth Prison in Kansas to carry out his drug treatment program. Did you know, however, that he is not the first NFL player to be incarcerated in Leavenworth? Let us go into the wayback machine and remember the infamous Bam Morris.

Byron “Bam” Morris had numerous scrapes with the law, but the biggest was in 2000 when Bam pleaded guilty to federal drug trafficking. He admitted attempting to distribute more than 220 pounds of marijuana in the Kansas City area between Jan. 1, 1998, and May 10, 2000. He was sent to Leavenworth and served his sentence, being released two years later, but those two years were no picnic in federal “pound you in the ass” prison says Bam,

“The federal is like a Cadillac where you have televisions, phones, air conditioning,” said Morris. “You watch movies on the weekends. The only thing you are missing is your freedom. You have longer visiting hours.”

But another fact of life in prison was that Morris was a target because he was a celebrity.

“I had guys wanting to fight me. I had to fight,” said Morris. “People wanted to fight me because I was an ex-football player. They told me I lost them money in the Super Bowl. They were fighting me over that. Others told me how stupid I was. I always had to defend myself.”

Boy, Vick might want to watch out, there have to be a ton of people in the prison that lost a lot of money on him over the years. I know i lost a few bucks on that poor excuse for a quarterback. Anyway, after Leavenworth Bam was convicted of violating his parole of a previous plea bargain in Texas and was sent to jail again, getting released in 2004.

But who says there are no second chances after Leavenworth? According to Bam’s Wikipedia page,

“In January of 2006, Morris was signed by the Orlando Predators of the Arena Football League. The NFL reinstated his eligibility as a player on January 13, 2006. Morris quit Predators training camp the following day stating that he hoped to win a contract with an NFL team. A mere two months later, on March 9, 2006, Morris signed with the Katy Copperheads of the National Indoor Football League.”

So see, it might not be too long before we see Vick follow in Bam’s footsteps and, at the very least, play some fun Arena ball…just as long as he doesn’t get the crap kicked out of him in jail.

Petrino Joins Exclusive Club

By now you’ve all read that Bobby Petrino has quit 13 games into his first season as an NFL coach to go become the head coach at Arkansas. This got me wondering, what other NFL coaches had quit in the middle of his first season as an NFL head coach…that list was small.

Since the AFL/NFL merger, only one coach quit in the middle of a season, Lou Holtz. Coincidentally, Lou went to go coach Arkansas after quitting just 13 games into his first season as a NFL head coach (for the Jets). Lou fared pretty well with the razorbacks, going 60-21-2 with 6 bowl games. After getting fired and going to Minnesota, then moving on to Notre Dame, well, people forgot that he was a quitter in the NFL.

So the question is, will that happen with Petrino?

Well, Petrino was a pretty good head coach at Louisville, but he has only been a head coach for 4 years at the collegiate level and about two thirds of a pro season. Holtz, on the other hand, coached 7 years in college at two schools before his job in the NFL, where he quit with just one game left. Edge goes to Holtz on this one, he was a pretty established coach already. Petrino just had one recruiting cycle to prove himself and he didn’t do anything in the pros to show he could coach on much more balanced playing field.

Coaching skills aside, the real reason Petrino will never be seen as anything more than a quitter is that he is really lacking is some personality. Holtz had (and still has) that in spades. Some people describe Petrino’s personality as “that of a doorknob“…that doesn’t bode well in the rewriting of his history. The media and fans will eat him faster than his former players did. Who wants to consider Petrino’s side of the story when no one can stand the guy? He might always be “a quitter”.

Bobby Petrino has pretty much shot himself in the foot. He will be adored only by Arkansas fans, but only if he wins. If he loses he will be castigated there like he currently is throughout the nation and it might very well end his career as a head coach. Nick Saban hasn’t recovered from his quitting the Dolphins one year removed from doing so and it will be awhile before people forget that. This looks to be way worse. If he doesn’t win in Arkansas, he is probably done.

(note, if my 5 seconds of research on this issue is wrong, do let me know!)

Steely McBeam Gets All The Women

A poll was conducted recently that set out to find which NFL team has the highest percentage of female fans. The surprising results were:

1. Steelers
2. Packers
3. Bills
4. Bengals
5. Chiefs
6. Jacksonville
7. Ravens/Patriots
9. Broncos/Buccaneers/Redskins

Strangely enough Favre or Brady weren’t enough to get either of their teams into first place. The only answer for the Steelers being on top MUST be the ultra-manly Steely McBeam. I mean they have twice the amount of female fans than the league average! Steely, you hunk of blue collar man meat, the women love you.

I really must wonder why the Bills are in the top three of the NFL? Why is anyone a fan of that team, let alone fan enough to place them in the top 3 of teams that females root for? Just doesn’t make sense. What does make sense and not at all surprising is that the Falcons didn’t make the top 10. Michael Vick’s troubles add yet another blow to the team’s fan quotient. It is awesome that the Dallas Cowboys were nowhere to be found in the top 10…my conclusion is that since most women do not root for Dallas, women are smarter than all Dallas fans…or find Jerry Jones to be just as smarmy as I do.