If you’re anything like the average American, you haven’t had a day off in a quite awhile. President’s Day was the last “official holiday,” but that one sucks because a) not many people get that day off, and b) it’s smack-dab in the middle of February — quite possibly the worst month of the year. The next respite might come in the form of Memorial Day, which is a) about four weeks away, and b) is traditionally a weekend reserved for weddings and/or mattress sales. If that wasn’t enough, your allergies are probably killing you as it’s been raining for what seems like four out of every five days. Well, the Deuce feels your pain. We’re right there with you. And you aren’t the only ones who could use a break. Here are five athletes/coaches that feel your pain:

1. Derek Jeter: After spending an entire winter seething over the way the Yankees dealt with his free agency, Jeter spent Spring Training dodging questions about his new swing and pay cut. One month into the season, Jeter’s hitting a paltry .242 with a Juan Pierre-esque .263 slugging percentage. His teammates are lapping him in most offensive categories as his arch nemesis, Alex Rodriguez, is enjoying somewhat of a comeback season. Jeter’s also hasn’t homered in his last 350+ plate appearances and there are stirrings that he will be dropped in the lineup. Granted, he’s going home to Minka with $17M a year, but for a guy who prides himself on being the best, the calls will only be louder for him to consider hanging it up should his struggles continue.

2. Bruce Boudreau: Down 0-2 and headed on the road, the Washington Capitals coach could be manning his last few games behind the bench. Sure, things were swell when the Caps knocked off the Rangers in five, but losing two straight games at home as the number 1 seed against a 41 year-old journeyman goalie with a sub-.500 career record doesn’t bode well for a team that has become perennial playoff doormats. An 0-2 deficit is hardly a death sentence in the NHL, but a continued failure on the power play (0-11 in the series so far) and repeated elementary mistakes like bad line changes merits a changing of the guard if the Caps lose this series.

If the Caps lose... Well, in the words of the Hawk: he gone.

3. Atlanta Braves: Picked by many to make the playoffs this season, the Braves’ 2011 campaign held a lot of promise. Thirty-plus days into the season, well, things fall apart. As of last night, the team was below .500 and five games out of first place. Pitching coach Roger McDowell, doing all he can to destroy the credibility he earned for his “Seinfeld” cameo, was just suspended two weeks for making a homophobic ass out of himself. Derek Lowe was so excited for “Fast and the Furious 5,” he decided to get loaded and do a little Tokyo Drifting of his own, much to the chagrin of the local po-po. Dan Uggla is off to a rough start, hitting .194. Things are looking up, however: manager Fredi Gonzalez has finally come to his senses and is no longer batting Jason Heyward sixth.

4. Jimmy Clausen: Last year, Clausen was a draft day steal. Coming to a team with a 20-12 record from ’08-’09 that had practically dumped all reasonable QB competition (if you can call Jake Delhomme “reasonable competition”), Clausen was basically handed the starting job. Well, to say he struggled was an understatement: so much so that the three-win Panthers drafted the unproven and intangible-challenged Cam Newton at number one overall just 365 days later. Adding insult to injury, Cam also happens to wear Jimmy’s beloved #2. When asked if he would give it up for the ballyhooed Heisman winner, Clausen seemed insulted. Judging by how Clausen played last year, we’d advise Cam to hold out on giving the kid anything. Not that dad Cecil Newton needs any negotiating help, anyway…

5. Mark “The Machine” Hominick: I don’t like to traverse into other people’s playpens, but seriously, this dude looks like how I felt the morning after my 21st birthday. The next time you think your job sucks, the cost of gas is too high, your friends are lame, or wondering why Erin Andrews was in town but wouldn’t return your calls, well, it could always be worse:

For baseball fans, like Duke Jackson, spring training is an exciting time for baseball junkies to examine their team and predict their fortunes for the coming season. For the “Worldwide Leader in Sports,” it’s a time for round-the-clock Yankees and Red Sox coverage, squeezing every ounce of news value out of predictable, innocuous, and even, laughable concepts. Thus, in addition to hearing about how Derek Jeter’s ego is bruised for getting $51 million last offseason to keep turning in declining production, we are also treated to the annual pastime of examining Alex Rodriguez’ personality veneer.

Oh, but, dear reader, you are in for a treat this season! Alex Rodriguez, 35, is ready to unleash his true personality upon the baseball world. Why, he’s relaxed, he’s funny, he’s engaging, and…he’s basically a Dominican Tom Cruise. Oh, and he’s not at all upset about the Super Bowl image of him and his brother eating at the Super Bowl.

Feed me popcorn while I watch the show, ESPN:

Rodriguez made light of his Super Bowl appearance in which he was shown on TV being fed popcorn by his girlfriend, actress Cameron Diaz. Rodriguez said that a report that he went “ballistic” at Fox for showing him was false.

“That was pretty humorous,” Rodriguez said. “Absolutely not, but five or six years ago I probably would have come out with some bogus statement.”

This confirms it. Rodriguez has definitely changed. Of course, in an industry of increasingly image-conscious media personalities, Rodriguez is king. This guy will do absolutely anything to steer the perception people have of him. He’s basically the Wizard of Oz in pinstripes.

Ten years ago, Derek Jeter was on top of the world — fresh off his fourth World Series title (and perhaps his best season), Jeter had just inked a ten year, $189.1M contract. Feeling flush, he purchased a fully-functional babe lair in the Trump World Tower for $12.6M.  The shortstop had it all: he was the King of New York with four rings, tens of millions of dollars, and the city wrapped around his finger.

And the rout was on. Read the rest of this entry

I used to work in a grocery store when I was sixteen.  After a few weeks bagging groceries, the manager moved me inside where I eventually ended up at the customer service desk answering phones and having customers berate me for six hours a shift complaining about how bad their food tasted or how some cashier didn’t give them correct change.  The customer service desk also sat out in front of the office where the shift managers would congregate in between cigarette breaks.  They were mostly miserable 40 year-old women who were in some sort of broken relationship and hated their lives.  They took this out on me on a daily basis.

Prior to the start of every shift I contemplated quitting.  One day, the general manager pulled me aside and told me he was giving me the Employee of the Month award.  I was pretty happy; this was a large store and was a nice recognition of all the crap I had put up with.  Well, until one of my co-workers came up to me in the break room and told me that he’d heard I only received the award because the GM felt sorry for me.  Happiness: crushed.

I couldn’t help but think of this story when I read the remarks surrounding Tuesday’s Gold Glove announcement.    Read the rest of this entry

There were two major events this week that really kind of threw me for a loop.  One was covered quite extensively and the other got barely a mention.  They are completely unrelated, but thought provoking nonetheless.  Neither of them had anything to do with Derek Jeter (but we’ll get to him in a second). Read the rest of this entry