George Steinbrenner must be thanking Satan that he’s dead and gone from New York. Imagine what Carmelo Anthony would do to him upon learning that the former Yankees owner was a snitch.

The New York Times’ Richard Sandomir reports that Steinbrenner worked with the FBI on several cases in the 1970s and 80s. He “cooperated with the Federal Bureau of Investigation on national security cases and was willing to let it stage an organized-crime raid at Yankee Stadium”. President Reagan granted him a pardon in 1989 for his convictions for illegal contributions to Richard Nixon’s 1972 presidential campaign as well as obstruction of justice.

Find the FBI documents here.

Steinbrenner began helping with “a matter of vital interest” in the late 1970s. He quickly moved up to involving himself in thwarting terrorist plots that put him and his family in danger. I assume, without further details, that the situation was similar to Munich where he played the Ehud Barak role.

It gets better. World collide. Sandomir also notes that Steinbrenner attempted to get a pardon using the vaunted “Was That Wrong” excuse.

“Applicant stated that he would not have allowed the $25,000 corporate contribution if he had known it was illegal,” the memo said. It said that he had contributed $75,000 personally to Nixon’s campaign and would have made it $100,000 if he knew he could not make the corporate contribution.

Eat that, Costanza. Steinbrenner finally got his pardon but at what cost? American hero or rat-faced snitch? What would Billy Martin have said? Wait a minute. What do we really know about the night he died? He kept coming around. Maybe he heard too much. Watergate, terrorists, Billy Martin arresting people who try to piss during the 7th inning stretch. The next time you talk about conspiracies involving the Yankees, you can tell everyone it’s not jealousy. It’s the truth.

Ron Artest Is The Sleeper Cell

Anyone who saw the fight known as Malice at the Palace between the Pacers and Pistons in 2004 wondered what the hell was going on in Ron Artest’s head that night (as opposed to other nights). A popular theory is that he went off when a drink was thrown at him. That’s just lazy. How about an alternative theory that goes back around 15 years prior to that fateful night in Auburn Hills? Yeah you’ll bite.

The FBI released threatening letters sent to the 1989-1990 Detroit Pistons and coach Chuck Daly. Apparently fans of opposing teams weren’t impressed by the Bad Boys’ “scrappy” play.

“God made me realize that YOU, not Laimbeer, Mahorn or any of the others are the one possessed by (Satan),” the author [from Cleveland] wrote in [a] one-page handwritten letter addressed to “Mr. Chuck Daly.” Daly, a Hall of Famer who died in May at the age of 78, gave the letter to team officials, who in turn notified NBA security. The league advised the Pistons to turn it over to the FBI.

Another letter, this one typewritten and postmarked Royal Oak, Mich., on Feb. 16, 1990, also was addressed to Daly and claimed the Pistons didn’t “know the meaning of the word ‘sportsmanship’ ” and would “pay dearly.”

None of the threats were acted upon while the Pistons beat teams up like rented mules. It’s common knowledge that the melee in Detroit that resulted in record fines and suspensions. However that wasn’t the end of  it.

Detroit haters realized that unleashing Artest on Detroit players and fans was a bit too overt. They decided to take the Bad Boys down one by one. Don’t believe us? Note the following:

Isiah Thomas – Seduced by the siren-like authoritativeness of Anucha Browne Sanders. He was quickly exposed as a fraud and clueless NBA executive.

John Salley – Hosted a show with Chris Rose. (He must know what Sideshow Bob felt when he was getting rakes in the face)

Bill Laimbeer and Rick Mahorn – Coaching in the WNBA.

Fennis Dembo – Distracted long enough to not remember to change his name back to Dennis Fembo. He eventually moved back in with his mom after his career ended.

Dennis Rodman – ‘Nuff said

Chuck Daly – Passed away from pancreatic cancer last year.

There’s some bad mojo around this team. Don’t be surprised if Screwface has a role in this conspiracy.