An alarming trend is increasing in English soccer. We’re not talking about roasting. That goes back to the days of the Magna Carta. We’re talking about players getting on the mic and thinking they have skills. We last brought you the manatee-ish warblings of Cristiano Ronaldo covering Julio Igelsias. Don’t worry, Man U fans. You still have Rio Ferdinand. He may be shit on the pitch lately but at least his skills on the mic haven’t faltered … Um never mind.
Fergie should bench him for this abomination. Never mind his crap form for United.
Speaking of Ronaldo, we can’t leave you without letting you know about his new collaboration. The Portuguese walrus of love is reportedly collaborating with Joe Jackson to put an end to George Foreman’s reign as the king of grills. The two are teaming up to release a line of grills shaped like soccer balls called “Goalie Grills”.
If there’s anyone who knows how to work a grill, it’s the guy pictured above. You know I could go with the boxer but I’m gonna go with the effeminate soccer player with the short shorts and pink shirt. Hopefully the grill plays his new jam whenever it’s opened. How long until your guests find a way to impale you with a spatula or spork?
Joe Jackson is claiming this story is true so it’s probably not since we haven’t heard from the tikka-tinged one. If this project is legit, it’ll end with Joe beating Ronaldo to a pulp. “Always be selling, fancy boy!” Tito will be in the corner crying, “That’s what daddy did to Michael when he took my syrup! Mama, make him stop!” while Katherine screams, “Joe, stop beatin’ that girl! Joe, stop beatin’ that girl!”*
Douche Unlimited is the new Love Unlimited. If you’ve been waiting for one more reason to hate on Cristiano Ronaldo, your wait is over. You’ve seen him dive on the pitch like the Kursk. Now witness his musical dive as he covers Julio Iglesias’ Amor Mio.
Amor Mio is just one of the songs that Ronaldo agreed to cover as part of an advertising campaign for Portuguese bank Banco Espírito Santo. They apparently also trample Barry White’s legacy in the name of more deposits. If you hear about Sea World walruses losing their shit in the next couple weeks, you’ll know why. Expect human collateral damage. No one disrespects the Walrus of Love and gets away with it.
I know everyone was waiting with baited breath about what former world champion sprinter Carl Lewis had to say about the man/woman runner Caster Semenya, well wait no futher. Carl weighs in on the issue and lays all blame at the South African Federation for allowing her to run in the first place.
Yeeeeaaaah…personally, I like it better when Carl isnt talking and is singing. Who doesn’t remember this classic?
It’s not too long ago that Manny Pacquiao was beating Oscar de la Hoya like he owned him. Most think he beat Goldie down for the money but there might have been something else behind it. There’s more to Pacquiao than meets the eye and the two are more similar than one might think.
Pacquiao, who is immensely popular back in The Philippines, is a bit of a showman and a potential future president**. He named his daughter Queen Elizabeth and attempted to seek her approval in person when in England promoting his May 2 fight against Ricky Hatton.
In addition to giving his kid a stupid name, Pacquiao has a one-man 70s style variety show as well as a music career that would make de la Hoya jealous. You might remember Goldie’s attempt at a music career. Here’s a reminder in English and Spanish in case you didn’t know or tried to forget. Manny is not impressed.
Let’s hope that pictures of Pacquiao in fishnets turn up on the internets soon so he can complete his Single White Female eclipse of de la Hoya. Maybe he’ll even take the wife and Golden Boy Productions like when James Woods stole Peter Griffin’s life.
** Freddie Roach could also be president of the Philippines. He polls a close second in popularity behind Pacquiao.
Where is Right Said Fred when you need them? Former French international Youri Djorkaeff obviously misses them. That has to be the only excuse for the atrocious tribute dug up by the Guardian yesterday. Djorkaeff is best known here for bailing on the New York Red Bulls (then known as the Metrostars) to go to a World Cup match while claiming he had “unexpected, serious family matters” in France. Hanging with Carl Winslow and Stefan Urquelle is no excuse. Just ask Charles Barkley.
Those pants. Why don’t I have a pair of those? You know Carl Winslow would love to Boss Sauce in those pants. This video screams for a couple of Congolese backup dancers and Grace Jones. Like the Jason Kidd video posted earlier this week, Jerkoff’s video is bad but it still doesn’t beat Andy Cole’s Outstanding. This song and video were released in 2006. Could this have been the reason why he went AWOL? If so, the team should sue him immediately.