Poor Stevie G. The England and Liverpool midfielder is throwing himself on the mercy of the courts after being charged with affray for beating a bar patron like a rented mule. He should be used to pleading his case. He begs referees for penalties after diving on a weekly basis during the Premier League season.

The facts of the night in question read like an average night in a douchebag bar. The altercation started after the victim, Marcus McGee refused to let Gerrard play some music on a CD player.

Marcus McGee, 34, said he disliked the footballer’s attitude when requesting a card that controlled the stereo. “I would describe it as bad and rude. He was bad-mannered straight away. I acted in proportion to what his attitude was.

“When you see a famous person like that you do not think you are going to have a fight or trouble with them.”

He told Liverpool crown court that Gerrard, 29, said “something to the effect of, ‘Here you are, lad, give me that.’ “

He refused: “It was my job, so I didn’t hand it over.” McGee said the manager of the Lounge Inn in Southport had asked him to be in charge of the music as he wanted to get everyone dancing.

He told the court that Gerrard made a move to try to grab the card off him to take it away and recalls it slipping on to the floor. The footballer walked away.

Gerrard later came back and asked McGee, “What the fuck is your problem?” and it was on like Donkey Kong. After getting up from the stool, McGee was beat down by several people including Gerrard. Bar staff testified that Gerrard walked off in “a huff” after having his music requests turned down before returning to throw some ‘bows. There are only so many times that people want to hear “You’ll Never Walk Alone”.

Gerrard testified that McGee came at him although he admitted calling him a prick after having his music turned down. He thought he was under attack but CCTV footage showed otherwise.

He apologized to the court for his behavior and said that he was mistaken about the course of events.

“I am certainly mistaken in thinking he was coming towards me to throw punches at me. Now I know, obviously, he had been struck, reacted and thought the strike was by me and he came into me and that’s when I reacted.”

No apology for the guido fist pumps? Gerrard and his friends were getting drunk on Budweiser and Jammy Donut shots. That alone should be a crime. No respectable man should drink anything called a Jammy Donut unless he’s on his knees and/or in jail. He later cried when a letter of support from Kenny Dalglish was read before the court. Pull yourself together and have some dignity. Any real Scouser would have taken pride in beating down someone in a bar. He also would have run the victim’s pockets. The jury should begin deliberating tomorrow. Don’t worry, Liverpool fans. He’ll be on the pitch for the first game of the season. He’s no Joey Barton.

UPDATE: Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty Stevie G is free at last. He’s been cleared of all charges. The tear-filled apology worked. Here’s to celebrity justice.

It was one of those matches people will remember where they watched it years from now. Somehow more than the 43,000 person Stamford Bridge capacity will say they were actually at the match. I won’t be one of those people even though I could and should have been there. The last time I missed games like this were Games 1 and 3 of the 2004 ALCS but we won’t discuss that now.

The second leg of the Champions League quarterfinal between Chelsea and Liverpool was a match for the ages. Chelsea came in with a comfortable 3-1 lead and a seemingly easy trip to the semifinals where they would face Barcelona after their first leg demolition of Bayern Munich. Liverpool came in needing to win 3-0 to advance. Anyone with a sense of history knows better than to count them out. Anyone who did was in for a series of mini-heart attacks. I’m pretty sure I lost years of my life watching this match and I’m a black man which means I’m done at 52 like an NFL lineman. Hypertension, high blood pressure, NYPD, crazy white boys. Something will get my ass. Rubbing Tussin on my chest will only help for so long.

The rundown: The worst of my fears were realized when Liverpool jumped out to a quick 2-0 lead. The chicken bones, rum and kwanzaa candles came out. One more goal and Liverpool would be through. The half ended with the visitors up 2-0. On the outside, I was a bit stressed but maintaining my cool. Inside, I was yelling “Lawd jesus, not like this!” I was so much of a stereotype that I could have been an extra in The Color Purple.

Chelsea responded at the start of the second half. Actually Pepe Reina gave a helping hand and made the score 2-1. Six minutes later, Alex equalized. 2-2 became 3-2. All was well and Chelsea was through again. Not so fast, my friend. Out of nowhere, Liverpool came right back and scored two in three minutes to make the score 4-3 in the 83rd minute. One more goal and 5-3 would be enough to take them through on aggregate. At this point, the cool left me and I was visibly shaken. If it were possible for a black man to go pale, it would have happened. Shell-shocked doesn’t begin to describe my slack-jawed appearance. Super Frank to the rescue. 4-4 in the 89th and that would be enough to see Chelsea through.

Sweating as though I played 90+ minutes, I praised every deity out there including Jobu, Jebus and Superman before remembering that Barcelona awaits Chelsea in the semifinals. Barca are unquestionably the team to beat in Champions League this year. However Chelsea’s form of late under Guus Hiddink gives even the most skeptical of supporters hope of getting to Rome. 

Far be it for us to criticize someone for enjoying the sauce. Some of our “best” work has been done after enjoying numerous macrobrews. However we would think twice if we were Liverpool’s Jermaine Pennant. Actually we wouldn’t think at all because he’s a dumbass.

Pennant is determined not to play top flight soccer anymore. That can be the only explanation for getting caught boozing in front of Faces nightclub in the name of Lindsay Lohan. He’s already spent time in jail and worn an ankle bracelet due to incidents caused by his “amateur night” drinking. He was pictured taking hits from a bottle of Jack outside the Essex club last Sunday. The Daily Mail reports that he was there due to the appearance of the Firecrotch. He’s already on thin ice with Rafa Benitez and now it may be impossible to move him to a different club. Who the hell wants this disaster on their hands?

This incident is minor compared to when Pennant was arrested for drunk driving and gave the police the name of his former teammate, Ashley Cole. He was also arrested for smacking his bitch up. He does wrong even when he tries to do right like the time he fell over piss drunk in a pizza place trying to break up a fight.

Pennant is almost out of chances. He’s a perennial benchwarmer and reports say that Benitez has run out of patience with his lifestyle and lack of ambition. He’s blocked moves to other Premiership teams and shows no effort in trying to earn his keep at Anfield. Interested clubs will probably back off after seeing he’s learned nothing from past incidents even though he’s been given chance after chance. Hopefully he’ll like playing for lower league teams like Norwich or Coventry. It’s hard to see another Premiership team taking a shot on him. Worse comes to worse, he can go work for his dad Gary at his crack and heroin den.

Pennant probably wouldn’t have been at the club if Lohan wasn’t there. Even when she’s playing lesbian, Lohan is still figuratively fucking men. Brilliant!

If it’s the Champions League, it’s burglarin’ time in Liverpool. Another Liverpool player was robbed while the team was on CL duty. Come on down, Lucas Leiva! You’re the ninth Liverpool player to be robbed by your own fans!

The Brazil international was relieved of some jewelery and “some very distinctive football and sports memorabilia”. It’ll probably end up on EBay soon so he should be able to buy it back at an inflated price if the coppers don’t find it first. They might want to start with the Beckhams’ hired help.

Just wait until some Liverpool player comes home from a Champions League match and finds his whole house missing. Scousers don’t mess around when it comes to robbin’ and stealin’. Oh yeah, they’re also great at unemployment. Hah! I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

He also eats chicken cause that’s how Surinamers do. With rhymes like those, it’s no wonder Liverpool’s Ryan Babel is in the fat Spanish waiter’s doghouse. He can’t get a start and if he wants to know why, he might start with his rapping.

He’s not mumbling. He’s rapping in Dutch. Here’s your translation:

Rapping is my hobby
Rappers don’t want trouble
I’m the Liverpool star those bitches are loving
I know what time it is - I’ve just bought a new watch
I’ll give you a punchline: eight seconds, you’ll be knocked down
Towel in the ring
My family in the V.I.P
No caviar for us, Surinamers eat chicken
Ya’ll know nothing: this is the Premier League
Representing the G
You can see this nigga with number 19
Ya’ll can fuck off, I fuck with a whole team
Ya’ll can talk, but you don’t get anything with it
Ya’ll can’t be like me, my status is too high
If rappers come to close, I have to take space
People watch YouTube to learn my actions
I have those skills, try some tricks
I was a poor nigga
Now I make fucking money
I went from the Euro to the English pound
I put money in my pocket, now I spend money on nothing
I like it this way, I’m sure you like it
If somebody want beef, well come on
I like it with some pepper, homie
I’m sure in my life
Give me the fucking ball, you lose both legs
And now my competition is past
If you hate me because of that, I say you’re right
If I was you, I would hate me too
I have the shit homie
I can’t even spend all my money
Keep your daughter in sight. or you will be my family
I’ll take your daughter and let her make clean
101 Barz - this is the first time but I came hard!
I came alone, I don’t have a back-up
I came because I mean it
Check it

We shouldn’t come down on him too hard. This isn’t nearly as bad as the abortion spewed out by Andy Cole. Nevertheless he should stick to soccer and leave the rapping to experts like Kobe** and Shaq.

**Sweet baby jesus, this is the first time I’ve seen that Kobe video. That’s a Rwanda-level atrocity.

Damn. Liverpool actually made another good signing. Hopes that last year’s signing of striker Fernando Torres was like a pig finding a truffle went out the window with today’s £20.3 million signing of striker Robbie Keane from Spurs. Grudgingly, I admit that this is a great capture for the fat Spanish waiter. However it’s not just because of his abilities on the field.

If Keane was around during the Craig Bellamy era, there wouldn’t have been unplanned golfing events and Liverpool might have been in Moscow instead of Chelsea. Then again he couldn’t have stopped Riise’s defection to Chelsea. Phil “Big Nose” Thompson knows.

Spain backup keeper Pepe Reina desperately needs his own variety show. Here he is moving the crowd like Rakim at Spain’s celebration after winning the Euro. Be afraid, Don. Be very afraid.

13:45 and counting. No more bullshit. Manchester United is through. One semifinal left. Chelsea vs. Liverpool. 2:45 EST. Only one genre has the words. Yacht Rock.

Far be for us to make fun of Liverpool and their fans but even we have to ask what the hell is going on at Anfield these days. You haven’t heard? Liverpool’s a clusterfuck these days. Allow us to catch you up. Watch your valuables.

Do You Know What Nemesis Means?

Nemesis is a hard word for Steven Gerrard but there’s no way he’ll ever forget what that word means for the rest of his life.

G’s father, Paul informed a court by letter that Stevie was being blackmailed and harrassed by Liverpool gangster George “Psycho” Bromley. He was placed under police protection but Psycho was still able to ambush him outside his flat as well as vandalize his car and chase him home from practice. We forgot to mention that Psycho threatened to shoot Gerrard in his legs and cripple him.

Paul Gerrard decided to get some outside help and hired “underworld fixer” John Kinsella to sort out Psycho.

“We were at our wits’ end when we were introduced by a family friend to John Kinsella. I told him about the ongoing threats and violence. John then reassured me and my family he would resolve our nightmare.

Kinsella testified that he simply “spoke” to Psycho and the harassment stopped after Psycho decided to “take his advice”. Oh Kinsella was in court as he’s accused of being a part of a gang that carried out a £41,000 robbery and led police on a 130 mph chase. He’s claiming he was only in the area of the robbery “in his role as an underworld enforcer”.

Liverpool Fans Are Learning What Texas Rangers Fans Already Know

Tom Hicks is a donkey. This is the same guy that signed A-Rod to a ridiculous contract that handicapped the team. He also signed Chan Ho Park. Now he’s trying to destroy Liverpool and he’s taking no prisoners.

A seemingly permanent rift has opened between Hicks and partner George Gillett over the sale and direction of the club. Tensions are enough where they asked to sit separately at the Liverpool’s last Champions League match. He blocked the sale of Gillett’s shares to a Dubai interest who were willing to buy.

Hicks unsettled the team but approaching Jurgen Klinsmann about taking over for manager Rafa Benitez. The team’s fall from the title race seemed to start around that time. Rafa and the players haven’t recovered from the turmoil. Hicks also did this without the knowledge of Gillett.

Now he’s demanding that chief executive Rick Parry step down because he feels that he’s in Gillett’s camp. To his credit, Parry told Hicks to fuck off (at least he should have) and that he’s not going anywhere.

As much as we (fine, I) like to rip Liverpool, this is a bit much. Hicks is slowly destroying a team with a long tradition and supporters with sticky fingers. Things won’t get better until he is forced out.

Guess Who Thinks Liverpool Sucks As Much As He Does

Andrei Voronin, come on down! You’re the next Liverpool player to get robbed!

Wait until Liverpool fans see what the “striker” had to say about their city of culture.

- “Compared with Germany, England is far behind in terms of comfort and culture”

- “Steve Gerrard was burgled recently so a police patrol car comes into our compound fairly often. We hear police sirens all the time. Leverkusen, by contrast, was so much quieter.”

- “The medical services here are poor. When I was in Germany, there were lots of good clinics and doctors. It is nothing like that here - when our child had a skin allergy we waited hours for the doctor to see him. When we finally got to see a doctor, he said he didn’t know how to treat children and to try rubbing in this ointment. That was it. I was stunned. As a result my wife had to go back to Odessa with him and took a full set of tests there.”

- “But English isn’t the main problem. The main thing is to learn to understand the local players like Gerrard and Carragher. They speak with some peculiar local accent and sometimes I have absolutely no clue what the guys are saying.”

I’m sure Voronin will be pleased to know that Liverpool fans think he’s just as useless. He’s been nothing but a flop since arriving in Scouse Country. He should rest comfortably knowing that he’ll be leaving as soon as the season is over.

The scousers should have seen this coming. All they had to do was take a look at how Hicks has wrecked the Texas Rangers. Two names: A-Rod and Chan Ho Park.

Hell he even admitted he’s going to screw them on video (starting around 10:20).