Damn that post title was forced but I got it in there like a boss. Can I still say that or is that over like welp and yolo? Solid.
It’s one thing when scousers rob the houses of their favorite soccer players and managers but it’s another when they go straight Mexican cartel. Alder FC might want to get Billy Blanks to join their team for protection after things got a bit Zeta before a game.
Alan Jopson, an amateur league player for Alder, was warming up for their match against Allerton FC when someone who took offense to his stretching routine and made sure there wouldn’t be a repeat performance.
An amateur footballer was gunned down by a gangland hitman in front of 150 spectators as he was warming up for a match with teammates.
Alan Jopson, 27, was doing stretch exercises just before kick-off at a playing field in Liverpool when the masked gunman calmly jogged on to the pitch and shot him in the legs.
The victim was hit three times in both legs and lay reeling in agony as the would-be assassin fled in a silver getaway car.
I imagine the gunman’s getaway looked a little something like this.
Police determined that the victim was the intended target but don’t have a motive. Well now they do. What’s the lesson here? Don’t freeball it while stretching in Liverpool. They’ll shoot ‘em if they can’t steal ‘em.
Poor Stevie G. The England and Liverpool midfielder is throwing himself on the mercy of the courts after being charged with affray for beating a bar patron like a rented mule. He should be used to pleading his case. He begs referees for penalties after diving on a weekly basis during the Premier League season.
The facts of the night in question read like an average night in a douchebag bar. The altercation started after the victim, Marcus McGee refused to let Gerrard play some music on a CD player.
Marcus McGee, 34, said he disliked the footballer’s attitude when requesting a card that controlled the stereo. “I would describe it as bad and rude. He was bad-mannered straight away. I acted in proportion to what his attitude was.
“When you see a famous person like that you do not think you are going to have a fight or trouble with them.”
He told Liverpool crown court that Gerrard, 29, said “something to the effect of, ‘Here you are, lad, give me that.’ “
He refused: “It was my job, so I didn’t hand it over.” McGee said the manager of the Lounge Inn in Southport had asked him to be in charge of the music as he wanted to get everyone dancing.
He told the court that Gerrard made a move to try to grab the card off him to take it away and recalls it slipping on to the floor. The footballer walked away.
Gerrard later came back and asked McGee, “What the fuck is your problem?” and it was on like Donkey Kong. After getting up from the stool, McGee was beat down by several people including Gerrard. Bar staff testified that Gerrard walked off in “a huff” after having his music requests turned down before returning to throw some ‘bows. There are only so many times that people want to hear “You’ll Never Walk Alone”.
Gerrard testified that McGee came at him although he admitted calling him a prick after having his music turned down. He thought he was under attack but CCTV footage showed otherwise.
He apologized to the court for his behavior and said that he was mistaken about the course of events.
“I am certainly mistaken in thinking he was coming towards me to throw punches at me. Now I know, obviously, he had been struck, reacted and thought the strike was by me and he came into me and that’s when I reacted.”
No apology for the guido fist pumps? Gerrard and his friends were getting drunk on Budweiser and Jammy Donut shots. That alone should be a crime. No respectable man should drink anything called a Jammy Donut unless he’s on his knees and/or in jail. He later cried when a letter of support from Kenny Dalglish was read before the court. Pull yourself together and have some dignity. Any real Scouser would have taken pride in beating down someone in a bar. He also would have run the victim’s pockets. The jury should begin deliberating tomorrow. Don’t worry, Liverpool fans. He’ll be on the pitch for the first game of the season. He’s no Joey Barton.
UPDATE: Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty Stevie G is free at last. He’s been cleared of all charges. The tear-filled apology worked. Here’s to celebrity justice.
It was one of those matches people will remember where they watched it years from now. Somehow more than the 43,000 person Stamford Bridge capacity will say they were actually at the match. I won’t be one of those people even though I could and should have been there. The last time I missed games like this were Games 1 and 3 of the 2004 ALCS but we won’t discuss that now.
The second leg of the Champions League quarterfinal between Chelsea and Liverpool was a match for the ages. Chelsea came in with a comfortable 3-1 lead and a seemingly easy trip to the semifinals where they would face Barcelona after their first leg demolition of Bayern Munich. Liverpool came in needing to win 3-0 to advance. Anyone with a sense of history knows better than to count them out. Anyone who did was in for a series of mini-heart attacks. I’m pretty sure I lost years of my life watching this match and I’m a black man which means I’m done at 52 like an NFL lineman. Hypertension, high blood pressure, NYPD, crazy white boys. Something will get my ass. Rubbing Tussin on my chest will only help for so long.
The rundown: The worst of my fears were realized when Liverpool jumped out to a quick 2-0 lead. The chicken bones, rum and kwanzaa candles came out. One more goal and Liverpool would be through. The half ended with the visitors up 2-0. On the outside, I was a bit stressed but maintaining my cool. Inside, I was yelling “Lawd jesus, not like this!” I was so much of a stereotype that I could have been an extra in The Color Purple.
Chelsea responded at the start of the second half. Actually Pepe Reina gave a helping hand and made the score 2-1. Six minutes later, Alex equalized. 2-2 became 3-2. All was well and Chelsea was through again. Not so fast, my friend. Out of nowhere, Liverpool came right back and scored two in three minutes to make the score 4-3 in the 83rd minute. One more goal and 5-3 would be enough to take them through on aggregate. At this point, the cool left me and I was visibly shaken. If it were possible for a black man to go pale, it would have happened. Shell-shocked doesn’t begin to describe my slack-jawed appearance. Super Frank to the rescue. 4-4 in the 89th and that would be enough to see Chelsea through.
Sweating as though I played 90+ minutes, I praised every deity out there including Jobu, Jebus and Superman before remembering that Barcelona awaits Chelsea in the semifinals. Barca are unquestionably the team to beat in Champions League this year. However Chelsea’s form of late under Guus Hiddink gives even the most skeptical of supporters hope of getting to Rome.
Now for Arsenal on Saturday which I will also miss. I don’t know why I bother trying to go to live sporting events anymore. Saying that, let’s hope I can get my hands on some Chelsea-Barca tickets.
Far be it for us to criticize someone for enjoying the sauce. Some of our “best” work has been done after enjoying numerous macrobrews. However we would think twice if we were Liverpool’s Jermaine Pennant. Actually we wouldn’t think at all because he’s a dumbass.
Pennant is determined not to play top flight soccer anymore. That can be the only explanation for getting caught boozing in front of Faces nightclub in the name of Lindsay Lohan. He’s already spent time in jail and worn an ankle bracelet due to incidents caused by his “amateur night” drinking. He was pictured taking hits from a bottle of Jack outside the Essex club last Sunday. The Daily Mail reports that he was there due to the appearance of the Firecrotch. He’s already on thin ice with Rafa Benitez and now it may be impossible to move him to a different club. Who the hell wants this disaster on their hands?
This incident is minor compared to when Pennant was arrested for drunk driving and gave the police the name of his former teammate, Ashley Cole. He was also arrested for smacking his bitch up. He does wrong even when he tries to do right like the time he fell over piss drunk in a pizza place trying to break up a fight.
Pennant is almost out of chances. He’s a perennial benchwarmer and reports say that Benitez has run out of patience with his lifestyle and lack of ambition. He’s blocked moves to other Premiership teams and shows no effort in trying to earn his keep at Anfield. Interested clubs will probably back off after seeing he’s learned nothing from past incidents even though he’s been given chance after chance. Hopefully he’ll like playing for lower league teams like Norwich or Coventry. It’s hard to see another Premiership team taking a shot on him. Worse comes to worse, he can go work for his dad Gary at his crack and heroin den.
Pennant probably wouldn’t have been at the club if Lohan wasn’t there. Even when she’s playing lesbian, Lohan is still figuratively fucking men. Brilliant!
If it’s the Champions League, it’s burglarin’ time in Liverpool. Another Liverpool player was robbed while the team was on CL duty. Come on down, Lucas Leiva! You’re the ninth Liverpool player to be robbed by your own fans!
The Brazil international was relieved of some jewelery and “some very distinctive football and sports memorabilia”. It’ll probably end up on EBay soon so he should be able to buy it back at an inflated price if the coppers don’t find it first. They might want to start with the Beckhams’ hired help.
Just wait until some Liverpool player comes home from a Champions League match and finds his whole house missing. Scousers don’t mess around when it comes to robbin’ and stealin’. Oh yeah, they’re also great at unemployment. Hah! I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
