The new and improved Deuce is back and almost in effect. We (well, Chimp) still have some tweaking to do but it’s more or less finished. Hopefully the new WordPress layout makes it easier to read and navigate the site.

Chimp and I snuck into the blogosphere three years ago with little fanfare. Since then you readers (shout out to Ross Perot) have helped our lazy asses become a hit with our friends and others we guilt into reading the Deuce from time to time. It was hard to figure out a way to thank all of you for your continued support. Fortunately we found someone who can put exactly what we want to say into song.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the one and only Dolph Lundgren:

Singing. Drumming. Chopping. Blogging. That’s how Dolph and the Deuce roll. Expect more frequent posts as we get up to speed in the new year. We know we’ve said that before but we mean it this time. A special thanks to international action star Dolph Lundgren and good luck with the Expendables.

Former Steelers RB Najeh Davenport shitting out a trail of Cleveland Browns.

It wouldn’t be right if we didn’t note the release of our namesake Najeh Trenadious Monte Davenport. He’s our guiding light. He’s our everything. To us, Najeh is more than a shit joke. Well, that’s not true. He’s mostly a shit joke but he’s also a quite capable backup. Chimp and I as well as the women of Barry University thank him as well as the inspirational power of Strongbow for helping us become who we are today. The Deuce wholeheartedly endorses him to any NFL team looking for consistent, regular leadership and occasional on-field play.

Ay Dios mio. We just stumbled across this…this…abortion dropped by former Manchester United star Andy Cole in 1999. It’s his debut and hopefully last music single called Outstanding. Hopefully, that’s supposed to be ironic. This stinks so bad it could “knock a buzzard off a crap wagon from 100 yards”.

Outstanding didn’t even break the UK Top 40. Hopefully Sir Alex gave him the hairdryer treatment for making others suffer through this.

This video got me wondering what other footballers got their music on and whether they fared better than Andy Cole. I managed to pull some “old and busted” together for you. Thank me later.

First up is Diamond Lights by Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle from 1987. Glenn Hoddle will always have a special place in my heart. I can’t remember if it’s for starting the Chelsea evolution from also-rans to contenders or his views on the disabled.

Diamond Lights charted at No. 12 on the UK charts. “Not a bad song. Not a good song either.” You have to love Hoddle forgetting to lip sync at 2:42.

The next entry is the English Super Bowl Shuffle known as the Anfield Rap. Liverpool recorded this before the 1988 FA Cup Final. I have no idea why teams don’t record FA Cup Final songs anymore. The songs were always shit but good for a laugh especially when you hated the team.

Geordie boys do anything including “suck sickly sausage rolls” according to Gazza. Paul Gascoigne recorded Fog on the Tyne with Lindsfarne. I certainly don’t want to make fun of alcoholism but maybe seeing this had something to do with his incredible decline from being the future of English football to the sad mess he is today.

Who Ate All The Pies lets you compare the original to the Gazzafied version. We have to agree that the Gazza version is actually miles ahead of the original.

Here’s another Geordie offering from Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan. Doubt he’ll ever sing this to Dennis Wise.

Think Alan Shearer’s going to let Gazza and Keegan take all the glory. Hell no. Here’s the former Newcastle captain singing an emotionless All Night Long. I think Lionel Richie’s job is safe. Yeah jambo jambo!!

Los Angeles Galaxy GM Alexi Lalas is more of an acoustic kind of guy. Here he sings Goodnight Moon. I wonder if this was part of his sales pitch to Goldenballs.

I’ll close this post out on a high note with Fulham midfielder Clint “Deuce” Dempsey who happens to be my favorite US player not just because he shares a name with this blog. You might remember his most recent offering on Setanta. Here’s Don’t Tread with Big Hawk. America, fuck yeah.

If these aren’t enough for you, enjoy the musical stylings of Ruud Gullit, Terry Venables (that’s El Tel to you) and Blackburn’s Morten Gamst Pedersen.

** I just came across this Who Ate All The Pies post listing the top 10 rapping footballers. Enjoy.

Clint Dempsey’s got a lot of nerve calling himself Deuce but we wholeheartedly approve. Ollie from Who Ate All The Pies beat us to this piece on Deuce. He’s becoming one of our favorite American players for his game on and off the pitch. Check out his freestyle skills as he flows over an official Setanta beatbox.

Setanta has to get him and The Special One together.