There’s a little sumthin’ sumthin’ for everyone thanks to Falcons tight end Tony Gonzalez, his wife October and PETA. The couple posed nude (SFW) for the organization’s “Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign. They join such luminaries as Dennis Rodman, Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson. We can’t wait until for the Carrot Top and Charo photos.

“We should be protecting animals, not sacrificing their lives for the sake of fashion or luxury,” says Tony Gonzalez. “October and I have changed many of our habits in light of the inhumane treatment of animals that occurs not only in the fur industry but also on factory farms.”

Raiders quarterback Jamarcus Russell heard about the PETA campaign and was inspired to approach Denny’s about doing something similar entitled “I Show You My Moobs For Moons Over My Hammy”. He wanted to pose naked over a huge plate of Moons Over My Hammy while wearing his Raiders helmet. The restaurant chain somehow agreed but the project fell apart during the photo shoot. Russell kept trying to eat the plate of food even though it was fake. Only if he had that kind of drive during football games. He’d never lose the football if it were a sandwich.

Now try to go back to your breakfast after picturing Carrot Top, Charo and Russell.

“White power, white power!”

Somehow I don’t think Billy Ocean meant for people to take him literally when he said, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” If that were the case with “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car”**, Chester the Child Molester would be using that song as his script when cruising in his cargo van at 2:30 PM Monday through Friday.

Petrino took to the podium during SEC media days and gave excuses so good that Nick Saban might have shed a tear if he had anything but coal and greed in his heart. When asked about his new job as Razorback head coach and his departure from the Falcons, the b.s. started to flow like the runs.

“Yeah [the Falcons situation] was [the most difficult time he endured as a coach],” he said. “It was a trying situation. But everybody there worked as hard as they could to do the best job they could. … The whole situation, the timing was bad, no question. With the Falcons, and with Arkansas, it was really the only way it could play out.”

Three games left in the season. Oh I don’t know. Maybe he could have finished the season then resigned to pull a Rodney Dangerfield. Maybe he could have addressed his team and the organization face to face instead of sneaking out like a Mayflower truck (not that I’m still bitter about the Colts or anything). Maybe he could have been straight up with owner Arthur Blank instead of lying to his face.

In Atlanta, Petrino found himself handcuffed by the dog-fighting controversy that surrounded quarterback Michael Vick. He said one the primary attractions of joining the Falcons was the opportunity [to] coach Vick.

After Vick was suspended by the league and eventually sentenced to federal prison, Petrino said much of the attraction was gone.

“They had a quarterback at that time that I thought could be real special, so that played a lot into it,” he said. “But, you know, it was a difficult season. You always try to look back and really try to reflect on what I could have done better here and what we could have done better.”

Billy Ocean says Petrino is very bad man. At least that’s what I think he would say. I imagine he sounds like Jar Jar Binks or Screwface when he talks unless he fakes it like Lennox Lewis.

Arkansas must be pleased to know that when things get hard, Coach Bobby will have one foot out the door. I can understand wanting to run away from the worst QB in NFL history but the city and rest of the team had no choice. Do players and fans need to worry about his commitment if they hit a rough patch or lose some of their top players to injury, arrest or ineligibility?

I can’t wait until his press conference in the fall of 2009 when he takes the Valley High job. “I love high school football. I was asked earlier what it is I like about high school football. And really the answer is everything.”

** You can’t tell me that “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car” isn’t a stalker anthem. Listen to the lyrics and don’t be distracted by the awesome animation and choreography. Every Breath You Take and Invisible could also be included on a compilation album. “Is that Stalker Rock? Well turn it up!”

Did I just admit I know a Clay Aiken song? Shit, it must be the Malibu talking. Wait, I swear someone just told me as I was writing this. I thought it was Nick Lachey. That’s better? Right? Please tell me I’m not a douchebag … Hello?

After years of sweat and perseverance, Joey Harrington has finally reached the top. Pro-Football-Reference.com has named him the worst quarterback in NFL history.

Chase Stuart twists the knife:

…No QB has performed so far below the league average for so long as Joey Harrington. To be clear, Joey Harrington probably isn’t the worst quarterback of all time in an absolute sense. But in terms of being so far below average, but far enough above miserable to earn more playing time, Joey Harrington hurt his team more than any other QB in NFL history. If Harrington had been worse, he would have played less, and he wouldn’t have set back the teams he played on. To put it another way, if you had the choice of getting Joey Harrington for 2,538 attempts, or Roger Goodell for 9 attempts you would certainly choose Goodell. At least after he’s gone, your team has a chance.

The Chick-fil-A tomahawk chopping cow should give Joey a 21-chop salute at the Braves’ next home game.

Who would have thought the missing link would be in Arkansas? Fine, we’ve all thought that at some point in our lives. What you didn’t know is that there are several missing links. You have the one between man and ape. You have “Jammin” Joe LaRue who is the missing link between man and god. Then you have the missing link between man and ostrich. Bobby Petrino.

Petrino, head football coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks, gave his sob story to the media about being unaware of the fallout from his cowardly exit from the Atlanta Falcons job to take the Arkansas job.

Petrino said that he threw himself into the Arkansas job and was not aware of the media beating he was receiving.

“It was hard on my family. It was hard on my wife and my kids, but I didn’t hear a lot of it,” Petrino said. “That was probably good.”

For months Petrino declined to be interviewed except for the local media that covers Arkansas football. But when he arrived at the SEC meetings he agreed to meet with the media contingent that regularly covers the league.

Petrino was pressed on whether, in hindsight, he could have handled his departure from Atlanta differently.

“Not that I know of,” he said. “Because of the timing of it and both sides of the fence, that is kind of how it worked out. It was a situation where you have no other choice.”

Sometimes a weasel gotta be a weasel, playboy.

Alabama head coach Nick Saban was unavailable for comment as he’s locked away in his office trying to figure out other ways to get around NCAA recruiting guidelines.

Don’t be surprised if you see Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank roaming the aisles of your local Home Depot mumbling, “I can’t quit you, Ron” while huffing glue like a Brazilian street kid. What other reason could he have for talking about the redemption of Michael Vick?

Blank spoke with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution’s Steve Wyche in an interview about the state of the Falcons. He admitted that he has been in touch with Vick and that they have written each other several times.

Q: Have you been in touch with Michael Vick?

A: Michael has written a couple times. I’ve written him back. We have that kind of relationship. Despite the mixture of frustration, anger and disappointment in him, I believe in second chances and redemption. I would love to see Michael pay his debt to society and come out and play again in the NFL. I think he could also be a big help to … speak to people about some of his choices.

Q: Would you welcome him back to the Falcons?

A: I would not say yes. I would not say no. At this point, Michael is in a federal penitentiary [on a dogfighting conviction] and is suspended from football. We have to move forward. We are moving forward. We have to assume he’s not coming back. I do wish him well. I’d love to see him play again. It would be good for the NFL.

Of course Vick should get another chance in the NFL once he’s served his sentence however one has to question the possibility of Vick returning to the Falcons. The Falcons’ acceptance of him would almost be equivalent to the battered wife taking back the abusive husband. He had plenty of chances and burned the team at every turn. The team is a wreck in large part because of him. Let’s also give Bobby Petrino his props.

The Falcons need to make a clean break and start fresh. Let some other team like the Bengals make Vick their redemption project. We can’t imagine Blank would seriously consider taking him back but someone might want to check the glue stock in case.