It’s been a minute since we’ve thrown a soccer roundup at you so let’s get to it. Get your proper soccer news and analysis elsewhere. Here come the dirt and gossip.

Nobody Circles The Whores Like Ashley Cole

You have to hand it to Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole. He may be as dumb as a sack of tar balls but he certainly knows how to get over a nasty breakup. Just do what got you in trouble in the first place.

Cole’s ex-wife, Cheryl filed for divorce after repeated incidents of cheating by the star. That wasn’t going to keep him down. If he can’t have Cheryl, he’ll take the next best thing. A stripper who looks like Cheryl. Check and mate, woman.

“[Sarah Purnell] hasn’t got a bad word to say about him and has defended him when people have tried to have a go about Cheryl or the end of his marriage.

…Ashley has not done anything sleazy at all and has been extremely charming with her. He seems to really care for Sarah.

“He even told her she looks the spitting image of Cheryl but she’s getting used to that.”

Oh you stupid, stupid woman. Have fun with that and stay classy, Cashley. Every woman wants to hear that she looks exactly like an ex.

Adidas Strikes Back

Most people, even those who don’t follow sports religiously like we do, have seen the Nike “Write The Future” ad starring Nike’s impressive roster of soccer stars. Adidas came back with their version of the cantina scene from Star Wars. It may not have as many big soccer names as Nike’s ad but they make up for it with a strong lineup of musical heavyweights. See how many you can pick out, my nizzles.

Buffoona Buffoona Has Room For Benni McCarthy

Ashley Cole’s woman problems certainly haven’t hurt his form or place on the England squad in South Africa. Too bad the same can’t be said for West Ham and former South Africa striker Benni McCarthy.

McCarthy was cut from the South African national team (also known as Bafana Bafana) because he was overweight and physically out of shape. However, that wasn’t the only problem. It turns out he was also “entertaining girls” during training camp. Manager Carlos Parreira found out and bounced him and keeper Rowan Fernandez from the squad. The upside is McCarthy will now have plenty of time to entertain the ladies and have them stuff his face with bunny chow.** Winner winner bunny dinner.

**Bunny chow isn’t made from bunnies although we suspect that P.W. Botha and F.W. de Klerk demanded baby rabbits in their chow.

Let’s Take Another Opportunity To Laugh At Dimitar Berbatov

Or what? You’ll release the sharks? Or the robbers? Or the sharks with robbers in their mouths and when they open their mouths they shoot robbers at you? This could happen to you if you’re not careful in South Africa.

There have been numerous warnings about crime in South Africa in advance of the World Cup which are frankly overblown. However the latest news regarding DANGER! in the host country has caused me to reconsider my trip there this summer.  Reports have emerged that security will be stepped up along the South African coastline during the tournament due to Great Whites targeting foreign tourists. That would be sharks not Boers or the band.

Today Sharks Board spokesman Harry Mbambo said teams of trained spotters would patrol the waters near beaches throughout the World Cup to alert fans to the killer beasts.

He said: “There is often a lot of shark activity around South Africa and we were concerned for the safety of foreign football fans who come here for the World Cup.

“We have taken extraordinary action to increase our shark security and to ensure that bathers are kept safe from harm.”

How the hell can Great Whites differentiate foreign tourists from locals? Do they have a Tourists of the World guidebook? Did they combine forces with the Boers and get human intel in order to maximize havoc in June?

“Ok, we’ll take the water. You take the land. We’ll split everything down the middle after P.W. Botha and Jaws get their cuts.”

There ain’t no diplomatic immunity in South Africa this summer.

Since we referenced the band, here you go:

Where else can you get Blazhay Blazhay and Great White in the same post?

The 2010 World Cup in South Africa is quickly approaching. Stadiums are nearing completion. Jacob Zuma is picking out the race of his next love child and WAGs are preparing to play Chickenhead in Sun City while their husbands and boyfriends choke away another chance at everlasting glory.

If there’s one thing South Africa is besides beautiful, it’s hospitable … unless you’re from Zimbabwe or a space alien. South Africans want to make sure visitors take full advantage of everything their country has to offer including whores. The Sowetan was kind enough to give readers a rough guide to Johannesburg’s finest and skankiest houses of ill repute.

Enjoy these high and lowlights of the Sowetan’s “investigation”:

The Diplomat Hotel: “As I walked up the stairs at 8pm I felt my shoes stick to the floor … But I am distracted by women in miniskirts, sitting to stairs with their legs open. They are not wearing underwear.”

The Ambassador Hotel: “…The foyer looks inviting but the inside is disappointing” [like the women and your soul] … The sex workers are sitting around with open legs and smoking. For R15 you will get in but it felt like a huge rip-off. The beers cost the same and sex is R50. The rooms are not that bad.”

The Hillbrow Inn: “Imnandi nge condom (It’s delicious with a condom) is the song that welcomes you to the Inn … Other than sex workers, the place has strippers. It was a sight to behold. Red-blooded men being called on to the stage to help strippers take off their underwear and have sex in full view of the patrons … The DJ encouraged safe sex by providing condoms. [You're still doing it wrong, South Africa]

The Royal Hotel: The Royal Hotel, on Leyds Street in Joubert Park, is more upmarket. You fork out a R50 entrance fee. With the bouncers dressed in black suits, I felt like a king.

The Summit Club: “For a sex worker you will pay R260, but using my birthday status I got away with R180.” [Merry new year! Beef jerky time!]

Don’t fret if you’re on a budget. The Moulin Rouge got you. Cheap rooms and ass. Otherwise expect increased prices during the tournament. Inflation’s a bitch. If you’re lucky, you may find that perfect balance of disease that keeps you healthy like Mr. Burns. Happy STD cocktailin’!