I meant to get to this story a month ago but I was distracted by the Black Keys’ Patrick Carney trolling all the Bieberites or whatever they call themselves.

Gareth Paisley of Los Campesinos! decided to have some fun with people who rely on Twitter for Premier League transfer news. He assumed the persona of the Daily Mail’s Martin Samuel on January 31st and went to work dropping last minute transfer garbage on Twitter.

Pepe Reina to Arsenal? Anyone with sense would have picked up on the discrepancy between the name and Twitter handle. Relying on Martin Samuel and the Daily Mail for facts is the equivalent of doing the Harlem Shake in front of an industrial fan with your dick hanging out. Needless to say, people were not happy when they found out they had been tooken back like Ghostface.

STATS: over 2,500 RTs. Trending #1 (Reina to Arsenal) and #9 (Martin Samuel) in the UK, #4 Worldwide. Gained over 2,000 (temp) followers

— Gareth David (@grthdvd) January 31, 2013

Let’s think about this. Arsenal has the steadiest keeper they’ve had since David Seaman. Arsene Wenger may be many things but he surely wouldn’t be foolish enough to bench Wojciech “Kenny” Szczesny for Pepe Reina who seems to be evolving into the next coming of David “Calamity” James by the season.

We need more Twitter trolling by musicians. Wait until Babyface and Ralph Tresvant start trolling fools. It’s gonna be so sensitive.

H/T to Noisey Music

If the digital age has taught us anything its that athletes are complex individuals; often capable of trenchant, thought-provoking, musings over forums like Facebook, and especially Twitter.  Over…dong shots.  We can only wonder, then, why so many of them choose to employ publicists, agents, and armies of people to protect their precious images.

Rebound relationship and Cleveland Cavaliers rookie guard Kyrie Irving told police yesterday that a 24-year-old model and Bronx resident was harassing him via twitter.

Irving, 19, filed a harassment complaint against Jessica Jackson, a 24-year-old Bronx resident who he met on Twitter under the username @MissHawaii, police said.

The basketball star told police that Jackson, a model, contacted him via Twitter earlier today, violating the no contact order issued by West Orange Municipal Judge Margaret Pavovano on Tuesday.

According to the police report, Irving said he received “terroristic threats” from Jackson between March 22 and May 17. He filed a harassment complaint May 17.

Blacksportsonline is now reporting that Miss Hawaii, real name Jessica Jackson, may actually be a call girl (bow tie spins, eyes pop out of head).  She claims she has video of Kyrie flogging the bishop, too.  Wait, you mean to tell me that a professional athlete was associating with a person reportedly in the sex trade!?

The site also reports that Miss Hawaii sent a series of threatening messages to Irving, and even made comments about his deceased mother. I usually just ask them to walk me around like I’m a pony and put cigarettes out on my tongue.

“Like to thank the fans who booed me off the pitch. Where’s that going to get you! I hope you all die.”

Guess who tweeted that. If you guessed Chris Brown, you’re wrong. No homophobic references or threats to beat up women. Ronnie Turiaf or Matt Barnes? Nope. Obviously not referring to a Twitter prostitute who they want to shut up because she’s bragging about sucking them off. However you’re getting close. It is an athlete. Oh wait, the picture and post title probably gave it away.

Marvin Morgan just joined the pantheon of athletes who screwed themselves by going overboard on Twitter. He was booed off the pitch after being substituted in a match against Hereford on Monday. He responded on Twitter with the message above and his team, League Two’s Aldershot dropped the bomb on him.

Morgan was suspended, fined two weeks’ salary and put on the transfer list. The club’s statement reads as follows:

“The player accepted that his conduct was totally misguided and inappropriate and he accepts that his actions were incorrect and ill disciplined.

“Accepting that his actions had been foolish he explained that they had been made in the heat of the moment and apologised for the distress he had caused.

“The football club are satisfied that the player meant no malice with his comments. However they were completely irresponsible and contrary to the values of Aldershot Town Football Club. The player has also undermined the good work that he and his colleagues have done servicing the local community.

“The club is also of the opinion that careful consideration is required for all future use of social networking sites by players and staff as a means of communication.

“The hearing decided to fine the player the maximum two weeks’ penalty during which time he will be absent from the club. He has also been placed on the transfer list.”

Several teams are already interested in the Twitter Killer. Sky Sports is reporting that League One Dagenham and Redbridge appear to be the team who will take him on loan for the rest of the season. By the way, their nickname is The Daggers. How convenient is that? Now Morgan doesn’t have to wish death on Aldershot fans. He can make it happen like Mariah Carey. He’ll get to work on that when he gets the ceremonial dagger that I assume is presented to all new Daggers players. It’s stabbin’ time!