Why the hell not? Americans don’t give a damn. Congress and state legislatures are populated by assclowns on both sides of the aisle. No one cares about qualified candidates anymore. In fact, being qualified for office is a disadvantage. “Oh you got you some book learnin’. The other guy said he’ll burn books. I like fire.” You better be against a whole lot of things and not know why. It’s amazing how cavalier people are when it comes to voting. Imagine if they were that nonchalant about their doctors. “She got a doctor coat on and said there’s something wrong with my neckbone. Sound legit to me. Apply gravy every four hours? Got it.”

I don’t know whether Carl Lewis is qualified for office but I don’t care. You don’t either. All you care about is whether you can have a steak and beer with him. Well you can’t. He’s a vegan. That should be a campaign killer especially in a Republican-leaning district but he’s likely running for state senate as a Democrat anyway.

Forget Lewis’ policies. Most voters don’t pay attention to the ones that really affect them. If they do, they don’t expect their representatives to have a firm grasp of the issues let alone address them in an intelligent or mature manner. If they did, our legislative bodies would look very different. Candidates just tell you what they think you want to hear anyway. Right, Mitt? People grab the superficial because it’s easier so that’s what they get. Let’s go to the video and see whether he can measure up to the tough standards of the New Jersey voter.

The 8th Legislative District leans Republican so whoever runs better not just love America. You better think we’re exceptional and God blesses us and no one else. What better way to show you love freedom than singing the national anthem.

It’s going to be tough going for Lewis running as a Democrat in the 8th. Being a vegan is not going to help him either. His opponents will compare him to Dennis Kucinich who at least has a hot wife (although no one knows how). Winning a couple gold medals isn’t going to do it. He better show that he’ll fight for his constituents.

A state senator who keeps his pimp hand strong is attractive. None of this limp wrist bullshit. Working out is good as well. Remember how former governor Corzine attacked Gov. Christie about his weight? No worries about that with a former Olympic gold medalist however the leotard and bubbles…

You’re set if you live in the 8th Legislative District. Forget the speeches, campaign fliers and debates. Everything you need to make an quick, uneducated decision is in this post. The Deuce does not offer political endorsements besides Luther Campbell for Miami-Dade County mayor so you’ll actually have to do some of this on your own. Pop pop that ballot! Breakdown!

It just warms my heart when a rapper christens some part-time sucka’s head with a champagne bottle as if it was a new ocean liner. Puff Dad…Puffy…P. Didd..whatever he calls himself these days would be thrilled with Iowa’s Graham Valdes.

Valdes, a member of the track team, was arrested and charged with assault causing bodily injury after cracking a man in the head with a champagne bottle as if his name was Steve Stoute.

According to a criminal complaint, Iowa City police were called to Sauce, a liquor store at 108 E. College St., at 1:53 a.m. Saturday for a report of a man hit with a bottle. Upon arrival, officers found a man “bleeding profusely” from the top of his head and a shattered champagne bottle at his feet. The victim had a large cut on the top of his head and nose which required stitches and further medical attention, the complaint said.

The victim told police a tall, red-headed man hit him with a bottle as he was trying to leave the store after his friend had urinated in the store. The alleged attacker was still on scene and matched the description from the victim, police said.

Valdes alleged the man was “pushing past people to exit the store and he felt threatened”. He was scared because the guy wanted to leave the store? Why not get out of his way and let him go? Oh I’m sorry. No real G would move out of someone’s way. You think Da Brat or Juvenile would have avoided confrontation? Move, bitch! Get out the way! Come get some Moet upside that beady ass head, nucka!

A liquor store called Sauce? Pure genius. At this rate, Iowa may move to the SEC. They can definitely compete with Florida and Tennessee when it comes to crime.