Overrated light heavyweight PPV viewer spoiler and washed up porn-star repository Tito Ortiz managed to overcome enormous odds to defeat Ryan Bader in just 146 seconds at UFC 132, indirectly contributing to the black eye that Turd’s roommate received after a drunken tussle over who finished the Cookie Crisp, the cereal of the gods.

Not content to ruin just our PPV-viewing lives; Ortiz is now feeling bold; specifically crashing his fancy Rolls Royce Phantom into…some other car.

I gotta be honest, I didn’t even read this article:

It all went down near a Denny’s restaurant Sunday afternoon. It’s unclear who was at fault, but Tito was seen shaking hands with one of the people involved in the wreck moments after the collision.

A short time later, Tito tweeted about the crash — and when asked if insurance would cover the damages, he replied, “Nope, it will come out of my pocket. Sucks.”

He added, “I cried a little because it’s my favorite car but it will be new in no time.”

I think the biggest story in all of this is that Ortiz is indeed a crier.

Until two weeks ago, when Ortiz beat the shit out of Ryan Bader, the only fights Tito Ortiz could win were against his wife, who has some skills of her very own from spending most of her career at full guard (raises eyebrows, chomps on cigar).

But now, because casual fans who don’t really watch UFC but want to convince their girlfriends that they do, we get Tito Ortiz against Rashad Evans in a rematch from their bout at UFC 73 in July 2007, instead of a fresh fight for Evans against a legitimate contender. For those of you keeping track, Rashad Evans was originally set to fight Jon “Bones” Jones, but Jones pulled out due to injury. Then Jones’ replacement, Phil Davis, had to pull out also due to injury. After reports that both Lyoto Machida and Ortiz had turned down the fight, Ortiz said “Just playin!” Now Ortiz is squaring up against Evans in the main event at UFC 133 on August 6 in Philadelphia, where undoubtedly this won’t be the only fight in the city that evening (it’s dangerous out there!).

Taste the sad, MMAWeekly.com:

Ultimately, Ortiz has opted to accept the fight and will rematch Rashad Evans in Philadelphia. Still riding the high from his last fight and win over Ryan Bader, Ortiz says he’s far from being done.

“Hopefully everybody will be happy. I’m happy; my camp’s happy. The future will hold great things for me, and this Cinderella story is not over yet,” said Ortiz.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say “I hope you’re wrong.”

By all accounts, UFC 125 was a spectacular success, top-to-bottom the card was solid, and the fights were more exciting then when two chicks in the ghetto are going at it. We’re talking nails, hair extensions, and eventually gun fire.

Despite this, however, UFC fans of all ages wept for their beloved sport late Saturday evening as Tito Ortiz, previously 0-4-1 in his last five bouts, managed to pull out an impressive win against a legitimate up-and-comer in Ryan Bader.  We also had to watch Wanderlei Silva, one of the most exciting fighters to ever battle in the UFC, fold like a cheap card table against Chris Leben. Your humble correspondent had to be put on “suicide watch” and was successfully coaxed off a ledge. We can all now look forward to at least two more fights with Ortiz talking more trash then Rex Ryan, and then coming up shorter then the Chargers in the postseason (god I miss football!).

Although it was bad enough that Ortiz got the victory over somebody not named Ken Shamrock, but this just makes it a little bit worse.

Ortiz, who was a 5-1 underdog, would have been cut had he not won. The former champ, though, not only submitted Ryan Bader, but he won a $75,000 bonus for the Submission of the Night when he caught Bader in a guillotine choke after dropping him with a right hand.

(chugs Drano, swallows huge pill bottle, lies on couch, applies lipstick)

Glorified punching bag Tito Ortiz has been provided a forum at ESPN to lie about defend his record and provide much-needed perspective on his legendary career. ESPN green lights bad decisions all the time, so why would this situation be any different?

Follow us down memory lane, ESPN:

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Overrated loser Tito Ortiz made his career pummeling UFC legend Ken Shamrock in the twilight of a fine career, he literally hasn’t been anybody else since Shamrock. Their fights drew huge numbers on PPV and Ortiz was a made man after that. After losing badly to Lyoto Machida (some may dispute this because of the triangle choke Ortiz almost sunk in, but before that Machida dominated) in his first farewell to the UFC, Ortiz briefly resurfaced in Elite XC before crawling back to Dana White after the promotion crumbled.

His big “comeback” fight was against Forrest Griffin (decision); his next comeback fight was Matt Hamill (decision) He pulled out of a fight with Chuck Liddell at the culmination of the Ultimate Fighter television show last year to have back surgery and probably because Liddell already beat him, too.

He still talks just as much shit as he did when he was winning fights; so naturally, the “worldwide leader in sports” has given Ortiz a platform to voice his opinions on…himself.

Dismissively wank for me, ESPN:

But people need to look at the big details to know what’s been happening in these fights. I’ll never be someone who accepts second place — never — but, honestly, I feel I have won some of these fights.

FORGET WHAT THE RECORD SAYS, FOLKS, I AM A WINNER!

After Chuck Liddell beat me in December 2006, I took on Rashad Evans, who went on to be a world champion and has lost only once since. And I beat him. It was only a “draw” because I got a point taken off for the one, single time when I grabbed the fence. It was a draw, but I was the better fighter in the cage. I won.

Then I fought Lyoto Machida, a great fighter who also went on to win the world title. I almost caught him in a triangle and tapped him out. He admitted he thought he was going to pass out. I lost and it sucked, but I was competitive.

Next was a rematch with Forrest Griffin, whom I beat earlier in our careers. I didn’t get the decision this time, but a lot of people felt I won two rounds to one. Again, I was more than competitive with a top-5 guy.

Conceding his point about Evans and (maybe) Machida, I completely disagree about Griffin. Ortiz looked slow, and old in that bought. He looked just as bad, probably worse, against Hamill. Ryan Bader may have to go for a jog after this fight just to get a real workout in.