You can’t keep a good ho down especially on her birthday. What does a ho eat on her special day? Hoecakes of course! Jenny “Juici” Thompson, known only for servicing Wayne Rooney for money, celebrated her birthday with a cake commemorating their hotel rendezvous with her friend Helen Wood.

The cake came complete with champagne bottles and cash. Thompson, sorry Juici, loved the cake especially the marzipan Shrek head.

A party attendee said,

“It’s a shame there were no footballers at the party – that would have been the icing on the cake. But Jen had a great night. She looked amazing in a low-cut dress and had dyed her hair red for the occasion.”

Silly customer. He or she should know the footballers only come at the end of the night when hoes are involved. Why would they show up until it’s time for some action? There’s no reason to be around her when she’s off the clock.

Chelsea’s Didier Drogba was not about to be outdone by Shrek. His birthday/ho cake also came with some ladies on it. Since he keeps it classy, it was presented to him by three topless models. Dom Perignon, Cristal and Grey Goose flowed down an ice luge and kept everyone properly lubricated. The models ended up at Ashley Cole’s table so you know lubrication was the word of the night. Just don’t ask him to spell it.

The Sun also reports that Everton’s Jack Rodwell (strong porn name) is attemting to woo Juici by texting her naked pictures of himself. Dude, you’re doing it wrong. She’s a prostitute. Then again maybe he’s old school and wants to court her before he leaves the money on the cabinet after asking her to dress up like a schoolgirl and wear a wig like Fellaini’s. That gets him ready to roast.

** You gotta love our dated references. Since we referenced it, here’s your morning musical interlude.

Natural Born Killers by Dr. Dre and Ice Cube

Great things come in bears. Now guess who comes in whores. If you picked Sen. David Vitter and Peter Crouch, winner winner chicken dinner! Actually Vitter comes in diapers but that’s a story for another time.

The England and Spurs striker was busted by News of the World for picking up a hooker during a bachelor party weekend in Madrid. Of course, she and a hotel insider spilled the story to the rag for an undetermined amount of money.

Crouch handed over cash to petite Monica for a sex act in the back of a taxi and THEN bedded her at a downmarket hotel in the Spanish capital.

In an exclusive interview with the News of the World, Monica told us: “Peter had no hesitation in paying to have sex with me. He wasn’t nervous.

Who knew insects got down like that? It gets better.

* DEMANDED the sex act in the taxi despite knowing passing drivers might see them as they travelled through central Madrid.

* GASPED with desire as he admired Monica’s naked body, crying out, ‘Oh my God… it’s beautiful.’

* INSISTED on taking her mobile number in case he fancied a replay.

* BEGGED hotel staff to strike his name from their records in a bid to cover his tracks.

Needless to say, Crouch’s attempted cover-up went as well as Nixon’s after the Watergate break-in.

The Sun “reports” that Crouch is being forced to sleep on the couch by his fiancee, Abbey Clancy. She ran to John Terry’s wife, Toni for support. Good advice will definitely flow from a woman with no self-respect who lets her man cheat on the regular because he buys her nice things.

“Abbey, get used to it and get yourself something nice like a good WAG. Now get out of here before John gets back. He knows you’re with Peter so he’ll definitely want a shag. Although if he does, I get a trip to Bali… On second thought, come in and have a drink. He’ll be home in 15.”

Have you ever seen a praying mantis do the robot? Click here. Now you have.

The 2010 World Cup in South Africa is quickly approaching. Stadiums are nearing completion. Jacob Zuma is picking out the race of his next love child and WAGs are preparing to play Chickenhead in Sun City while their husbands and boyfriends choke away another chance at everlasting glory.

If there’s one thing South Africa is besides beautiful, it’s hospitable … unless you’re from Zimbabwe or a space alien. South Africans want to make sure visitors take full advantage of everything their country has to offer including whores. The Sowetan was kind enough to give readers a rough guide to Johannesburg’s finest and skankiest houses of ill repute.

Enjoy these high and lowlights of the Sowetan’s “investigation”:

The Diplomat Hotel: “As I walked up the stairs at 8pm I felt my shoes stick to the floor … But I am distracted by women in miniskirts, sitting to stairs with their legs open. They are not wearing underwear.”

The Ambassador Hotel: “…The foyer looks inviting but the inside is disappointing” [like the women and your soul] … The sex workers are sitting around with open legs and smoking. For R15 you will get in but it felt like a huge rip-off. The beers cost the same and sex is R50. The rooms are not that bad.”

The Hillbrow Inn: “Imnandi nge condom (It’s delicious with a condom) is the song that welcomes you to the Inn … Other than sex workers, the place has strippers. It was a sight to behold. Red-blooded men being called on to the stage to help strippers take off their underwear and have sex in full view of the patrons … The DJ encouraged safe sex by providing condoms. [You're still doing it wrong, South Africa]

The Royal Hotel: The Royal Hotel, on Leyds Street in Joubert Park, is more upmarket. You fork out a R50 entrance fee. With the bouncers dressed in black suits, I felt like a king.

The Summit Club: “For a sex worker you will pay R260, but using my birthday status I got away with R180.” [Merry new year! Beef jerky time!]

Don’t fret if you’re on a budget. The Moulin Rouge got you. Cheap rooms and ass. Otherwise expect increased prices during the tournament. Inflation’s a bitch. If you’re lucky, you may find that perfect balance of disease that keeps you healthy like Mr. Burns. Happy STD cocktailin’!