I knew someone in DC years ago who would crumple up dollars and throw them at strippers while they were working. He did this several times during a birthday party for a friend who was dating one of the strippers at Camelot or some other spot on M Street. I asked the guy, who worked for my friend, why he did that. It was a bit uncouth even if we didn’t know the strippers. Yes I know. He replied, “That’s just my style”. I shrugged and said, “Hey sometimes” and went about my business. Did I mention he also had “Chevy Chase” tattooed across his stomach in Gothic letters? He wasn’t honoring the actor from Nothing But Trouble but the DC suburb ranked among the 10 wealthiest in the nation. He couldn’t even afford to think about living there. There’s no point to that story so don’t bother looking for it.
I wonder if Alton gets down like Richard Quarles when he’s in the champagne room. Bet he dresses up as Colonel Bob Boatwright and leaves a trail of broken strippers and hookers in every city except for the time things went horribly wrong when he tried to “set her free”. I’m going to assume so until I hear otherwise.
Luther Campbell, better known as Uncle Luke, may have slowed down since his 2 Live Crew days but he still runs Miami. He still knows where and how to roll. He was a major booster of the University of Miami football program at its height. Their players had more pull than any other athletes in south Florida. Dolphins players had to beg Hurricanes to get them into clubs otherwise they had to wait on line with the common folk.
Campbell now wants to impart some wisdom to LeBron James and Chris Bosh as they move to Miami. He wrote up a list of rules which should go up on their fridges. If they’re smart, they’ll listen to him and stay out of trouble. Here are a few examples:
Do not drive your own car when you go to South Beach. Just because you got keys to the city doesn’t mean the police are not waiting for you to get drunk and behind the wheel to lock your ass up. Part of Miami Beach’s publicity campaign is to put superstar athletes and celebrities in jail. And get yourself a white driver if you go through Overtown unless you want the police to shoot you for DWB (driving while black).
Do not buy a house in Dwyane Wade’s neighborhood because thieves will jack your car’s rims. And avoid Star Island at all costs. Some wild, rich sex orgies be going up in there. You don’t want to get caught up in a scandal. Shaq bought a house on Star Island, and he ended up in a messy divorce. Find a nice place in Broward, like Southwest Ranches, where Udonis Haslem lives.
Do not go to the strip club without me. I’ll be able to tell you which girls are the true exotic dancers and which ones are the skanky hoes. I took D-Wade to the strip club when he first got here. I schooled him so he never got jammed up with any strippers. And when going to venues like LIV and the 400 Club, be on the lookout for gold diggers masquerading as models. Those places are a gold diggers playground.
This is knowledge for life. No way LeBron and Bosh would get this information from Will Smith. He’d just try to convert them to Scientology or give them some useless dating advice from Hitch.
Some of you might not know how Luke got down at his height. Watch out for gold diggers and enjoy. NSFW language.