The celebrations right after Real Madrid’s 1-0 Copa del Rey win over Barcelona must have been something else. Imagine all that champagne, greasy hair and tanning product in one locker room. How else can you explain Sergio Ramos dropping the trophy off the open-top bus during the parade? If that’s not good enough for you, stick around for the bus running over the trophy after he drops it.

This is the type of situation that one expects from Stanley Cup winners. It’s almost disappointing when you don’t hear some story about that trophy being used as a hat, toilet, drinking utensil or weapon. Imagine what Real will do to the Champions League trophy if they win it. My money’s on Ronaldo giving it the herpes he picked up from banging Paris Hilton.

Lionel Messi may not line the ladies up against a wall, ask for 40 condoms and go to work like Robinho but that’s cool. He doesn’t need to go through all that cause he can make the pants drop like a Jedi knight.

What’s more embarrassing? A grown ass man chasing a kid half his age around an airport for some love or that his pants drop while he’s doing it?

So that’s how Real Madrid felt when Barca whupped them 5-0 earlier this season.

Paris Hilton is not the mother of Ronaldo’s baby and it hasn’t contracted herpes despite him coming into contact with her nether regions … as far as we know. That’s good. Unfortunately the mother of his child, who he paid off for full custody, wants to reestablish contact with the kid. That’s bad…for him.

If you thought Ronaldo was a massive jackass before today, it’s time you find an adjective that describes a state bigger than massive. British tabloid The Mirror “reports” that the mother of his child wants to meet the baby she gave away for £10million.

Until now the lothario football star has kept secret the name, age and even nationality of the mother after she gave up her rights to the child in exchange for a £10million payment.

However, the Sunday Mirror can reveal she is a woman aged 20 who now bitterly regrets her decision and phones ex-Manchester United ace Ronaldo regularly in tears begging for a chance to meet her baby.

And the mother – who became ­pregnant after a one-night stand with Ronaldo – claims she is even prepared to give his millions back, insisting she has changed her mind about the deal.

Ronaldo’s not having it. It’s finders keepers as far as he’s concerned. However don’t think that he’s doing this because he doesn’t trust her or he loves the kid too much. Here comes the douche.

But despite doting on his son, he has flatly refused to change a single nappy, saying: “I will leave my mum and sister to raise him for the first few years.”

“Cristiano is the ultimate mummy’s boy, so he was never going to be getting up in the night to feed his son. But somehow the child’s mother has managed to get in touch with him and is hounding him to see the baby.

Instead of ignorning her calls or referring her to his legal representation, he answers her calls so he can mock her.

When she asks to see her son, Ronaldo is said to taunt her by telling her he may consider her requests… if she repays some of the money.

A source close to the woman said: “She’s often calling him late at night. She cried down the phone to him and pleads with him. He shouldn’t even be in contact with her, but they have got into a twisted sort of routine.

“She even calls him after matches to congratulate him on how he played, hoping that one day she can appeal to his better nature, but he simply leads her on and teases her about Cristiano Jr.

There’s a reason why he’s one of the most hated players in the world. His Real Madrid teammates hate him already besides Pepe.

I suppose the mother should take some blame for selling her baby no matter the price but this story is just further confirmation of what most people already think of Ronaldo. £10million is one hell of a transfer fee for a kid you didn’t even pay for. Most Football League teams would kill for anything close to that. However, knowing Ronaldo will be the father is a burden one has to carry for life. Giving birth to the Douche’s spawn has to weigh on her. Now the world will be subjected to the human version of Scrappy Doo. They both must be destroyed. The power of Christiano compels you.

Do I need to make a stolen car joke as well? We’ll be here all week.

Great things come in bears. Now guess who comes in whores. If you picked Sen. David Vitter and Peter Crouch, winner winner chicken dinner! Actually Vitter comes in diapers but that’s a story for another time.

The England and Spurs striker was busted by News of the World for picking up a hooker during a bachelor party weekend in Madrid. Of course, she and a hotel insider spilled the story to the rag for an undetermined amount of money.

Crouch handed over cash to petite Monica for a sex act in the back of a taxi and THEN bedded her at a downmarket hotel in the Spanish capital.

In an exclusive interview with the News of the World, Monica told us: “Peter had no hesitation in paying to have sex with me. He wasn’t nervous.

Who knew insects got down like that? It gets better.

* DEMANDED the sex act in the taxi despite knowing passing drivers might see them as they travelled through central Madrid.

* GASPED with desire as he admired Monica’s naked body, crying out, ‘Oh my God… it’s beautiful.’

* INSISTED on taking her mobile number in case he fancied a replay.

* BEGGED hotel staff to strike his name from their records in a bid to cover his tracks.

Needless to say, Crouch’s attempted cover-up went as well as Nixon’s after the Watergate break-in.

The Sun “reports” that Crouch is being forced to sleep on the couch by his fiancee, Abbey Clancy. She ran to John Terry’s wife, Toni for support. Good advice will definitely flow from a woman with no self-respect who lets her man cheat on the regular because he buys her nice things.

“Abbey, get used to it and get yourself something nice like a good WAG. Now get out of here before John gets back. He knows you’re with Peter so he’ll definitely want a shag. Although if he does, I get a trip to Bali… On second thought, come in and have a drink. He’ll be home in 15.”

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