Bart Simpson was right. Everything is backwards in Australia. Teams are forcing players to take injections against their will even to the point of forcing them to get them at “off-site” locations. It’s almost as if teams are renditioning their own players to black sites and pumping them full of “vitamin boost” injections.

The teams, which include two other Melbourne-based Aussie Rules teams besides Essendon, claim the injections contain vitamins B or C are legal. Players and anti-doping authorities suspect that they are actually taking peptide GHRP-6 which is similar to HGH and banned by the Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority.

Some players insist the injections were nothing but vitamin supplements which helped them sleep at night and recover from injury. However other players were suspicious of the forced treatments. Some including current Essendon players met with the AFL Players Association after being forced to sign consent forms and confidentiality agreements.

That’s bad enough however the scandal goes from Aussie Rules through rugby league to organized crime syndicates. The Australian Crime Commission just concluded a year-long investigation and found the following:

Despite being prohibited substances in professional sport, peptides and hormones are being used by professional athletes in Australia, facilitated by sports scientists, highperformance coaches and sports staff. Widespread use of these substances has been identified, or is suspected by the ACC, in a number of professional sporting codes in Australia. In addition, the level of use of illicit drugs within some sporting codes is considered to be significantly higher than is recorded in official statistics.

The ACC has also identified that organised crime identities and groups are involved in the domestic distribution of PIEDs, which includes peptides and hormones. If left unchecked, it is likely that organised criminals will increase their presence in the distribution of peptides and hormones in Australia.

The ACC has identified significant integrity concerns within professional sports in Australia related to the use of prohibited substances by athletes and increasing associations of concern between professional athletes and criminal identities.

The entire report can be read here in PDF form. An HTML version should be available by February 15 as noted on the ACC website.

Several other substances besides GHRP-6 were named in the report as being discovered in the investigation however one name is a constant with every team caught up in the doping scandal.

Steven Dank is referred to as a “sport science guru” or scientist who advised Essendon as well as several rugby league teams. He has no medical degree however managed to work with several teams across different sports. He is also tied to a convicted drug dealer and biochemist Shane Charter who also goes by the name of Dr. Ageless. Charter, who personally worked with several AFL stars, supplied Dank with supplements illegally imported from China.

Essendon denies Charter had any involvement with the club but other sources informed The Age that his role and association with Dank was known.

Federal police warned AFL clubs about the increasing presence of hormones and peptides prior to the Essendon scandal investigation.

A federal policeman told AFL chief executives that peptides and human growth hormone or its equivalents were ”flooding” into Australia and were often associated with gymnasiums with questionable connections.

The ACC report notes the infiltration of organized crime into unregulated markets as well as “legitimate businesses, contractors and consultants”. Drugs obtained through these connections which in turn might have led to the possibility of “match-fixing and manipulation of betting markets“.

Home Affairs and Justice Minister Jason Clare made a statement on the ACC report this morning.

There’s no telling what the fallout will be from this scandal which almost makes Victor Conte and BALCO look like AAA ball. The number of players and teams caught up in this could rock Australian sports to its core. There’s the possibility that teams wouldn’t be able to field full squads due to the amount of players who may be penalized for doping. The organized crime element takes the investigation to a new level especially if it moves towards match-fixing. Stay tuned.

If you’re pissed at the NFL and NBA for using acts such as the Black Eyed Peas or Faith Hill for their theme music, blame the NRL. Australian rugby league has been using mediocre music since the late 80s to promote their brand. Several months ago, we brought you the homoerotic Tina Turner joint that introduced the 1989 NRL season. Bear down even.

Since that debacle, the NRL hasn’t been able to pump anyone up for what is legitimately one of the toughest sports in the world. The league has used artists such as Tom Jones, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Hoodoo Gurus, Chumbawumba and “racing car noises” in the past. 2011 is no different. Enter Bon Jovi with “This Is Our House”.

That’s one step above Tracie Spencer’s “This House“. That song doesn’t make you think bonecrushing tackles and concussions being handed out like food at a soup kitchen. It makes you think of, well American sports. Let’s find the most non-threatening, milquetoast music that will make people who aren’t watching or interested tune in. “I always hated football but now that Faith Hill is singing the theme song to Sunday Night Football, I’ll tune in. That Joan Jett original was too controversial and she’s a lesbian anyway.” The PR and marketing people for Aussie Rules must be chuckling as they seek out Megadeath and DMX.

I was going to stick to Bon Jovi but I decided to actually look up NRL theme songs from the artists I mentioned. Check them out after the jump but I warn you they aren’t much better.

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Rugby in Australia has everything from bestiality to quokka chucking. Let’s not forget punching people at Korn concerts and pissing people like R Kelly on a 15 year old girl. Add rampaging through Hong Kong like Godzilla drunk on Four Loko to the list of favorite Rugby League pastimes.

Several players from the Western Bulldogs are having their arses handed to them in a sack after being filmed on a drunken rampage in Hong Kong last November. As the late, great George Michael would say, let’s go to the tape.

Let’s see Turbo and Ozone bust the worm over a taxi. The flashing pink bunny ears are a sweet touch.

Past Bulldogs players called the incident a case of boys being boys but the team isn’t having it. It’s “[working] with the individuals who are probably most prominent in it”. Whatever that means.

Notice the lack of dogs in the area. They learned their lesson from Joel Monaghan. He’s just one guy. Imagine a whole crowd of drunken Australian rugby players….

The video above doesn’t do the scene any justice. Here’s the full length video. Break out a case of XXXX and enjoy!

I just realized the Black Eyed Peas are playing in the background. So that’s what caused the players to lash out. No one can stand being forced to listen to the Black Eyed Peas. Anyone who says they can needs to be renditioned to Egypt so our new boy Suleiman can sort them out. I would have given anything to be Helen Keller during the Super Bowl halftime show. She didn’t know how good she had it. The only mistake these guys made was not getting into the cabs and leaving the scene before they were driven to madness. “Riot in the middle of the street“.

Where my dogs at? Not in Warrington if they can help it. Joel Monaghan just moved to town and he’s looking for some service.

You might remember Monaghan from such episodes as getting his dick sucked by a dog and filming it. He quit playing for his Canberra team and hid for two months while avoiding the internet and newspapers.

The canine lothario eventually fled to England where he joined rugby league Warrington Wolves. However don’t think his new team isn’t giving him a hard time.

It was a slightly surreal interview today as in the background Lee Briers, who remains in denial of his role as one of Warrington’s elder statesmen, was barking at regular intervals, and later wondered aloud why the club’s media officers had not played Who Let the Dogs Out before Monaghan’s press conference.

Monaghan has another thing coming if he thinks that it’s going to be any easier for him. He scored a try in his first game this past weekend. No idea how he did with the local dogs afterwards. However if he wants to score with the dogs, we hear Newcastle is the place to go. Hope his pick up lines are better than DMX’s.

If you know or have audio of any Leigh songs referring to Monaghan, pass them along.

Bet you didn’t think you would see anything more homoerotic than the Top Gun beach volleyball scene or the race between Rocky and Apollo in Rocky III outside of porn. Tina Turner and Australia have something to say about that. Check out this 1989 Australian rugby league promo. Talk about hitting all markets in one money shot.

Who knew Freddie Mercury played rugby? No fat-bottomed girls for him today. He likes his men like he likes his paper towels. Burly with a mustache.

Aussie Rules could have gone down the same path and gotten Elton John or Cher to do their ads. Hell no. AC/DC all the way.

The NFL and major networks could learn something from the Australians. Give the people what they want and stop trying to force feed us crap like the Sunday Night Football theme by Faith Hill.

No way we’re posting the real thing. Do they really think viewership will go up with Hill doing the intro? I’ll say it now. I’ll take John Tesh over that milquetoast bullshit every time. I’d give NBC a little more leeway if they had Joan Jett sing it but she’s a lesbian and they can’t have that. We also can’t show players getting blown up because people’s feelings will get hurt and no one will think of the children. Douche rock doesn’t count, ESPN. That’s no better. You want to get me hype for a game? Give us players getting lit up and making ridiculous catches to X Gon Give It To Ya by DMX or Assassin by Muse.