Las Vegas awarded the keys of the city to Ron Artest for his charity work dealing with mental health issues. The LA Times’ Lakers Blog reports:
He’s earning recognition at the Mirage Hotel for … his work with Xcel University, which works with community centers and schools to identify high-risk students, and the Mental Health in Schools Act, which would provide $200 million in grant funding to support mental health issues should it pass Congress when it’s reintroduced in February 2011.
Oh good lord, Vegas. What have you done? There’s the issue of what Artest should do with the keys now that he has them. He’s undecided so far but he does have some ideas.
Giving them to Kobe Bryant or Derek Fisher is a nonstarter. Kobe would just break into hotels and sexually assault homely staff members while Tiger Woods watches. Think of Charlie Murphy in the Mad Real World. He might also consider starting a one man Vegas show to showcase his rapping skills. No one wants that.
Derek Fisher would probably do something for charity. That’s laudable but not epic enough for our purposes. If Artest wants to amuse us and continue to give back, he should give Oliver Miller the keys when he goes to sleep so he can after hours every buffett on the strip.
“I’ll probably just walk in everybody’s home,” Artest said after practice Tuesday at the Lakers’ facility in El Segundo. “I’ll go to Floyd Mayweather’s house first and put on some of his jewelry.”
If Artest wants to walk around with jewelry, he should stay the hell away from Javon Walker if he wants to keep it.
Pacman Jones seems to have rehabilitated himself. Maybe he should hold on to the keys to show that he’s a changed man. He can also let himself out of handcuffs or jail when he’s detained or arrested for something he didn’t do.
Forget a duet with Celine Dion. R Kelly already did that and she probably smells like piss and Kuma’s now. You know how The R rolls. What? He probably bats above the Mendoza age of consent once in a while. How about Cher? She/He could sing the hook on one of his tracks although her voice might be a little deeper than his. That won’t do much for the street cred.
We should convince him to take out Frank Caliendo. That would be worthy of the keys to Burning Man at the least.
H/T to the Lakers Blog.